Funny / Major Payne

  • After a one-man assault on the enemy forces, Payne gets the jump on the enemy's leader and has him at gunpoint. However, he is quickly surrounded by enemy troops and this exchange occurs:
    Guerilla Leader: You had better give up, señor. You cannot kill us all.
    Major Payne: Nope. (shoves gun between leader's buttcheeks) But I can clean your colon out quicker than one of them burritos with extra guacamole sauce.
    • They wisely surrender to him.
  • When Payne's told his service has come to an end with the military:
    Major Payne: General, you tryin' to tell me that in this man's military, there is no room left for a trained weapon of destruction?
    General Decker: The fighting is no longer done on the battlefield, Payne. Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress. Warriors like us are becoming dinosaurs.
    Major Payne: There gotta somebody that needs some killing.
    General Decker: Sorry, Major. There's no one left. You've killed them all.
  • When Payne learns one of his recruits is deaf, he asks if he can read lips and knows sign language. He the proceeds to speak slower and clear whilst using sign language in order to convey the threat of putting his foot in the recruit's ass should he step out of line.
    • "DUR YES DUR!!!"
  • "I'm glad to see you've got a sense of humor. So do I. Heh, heh, heh."
    Emily: Major Payne, can you please help me to understand why you shaved the children bald?
    Major Payne: Oh, that's my little incentive program. These boys have to earn their due...their hair-do, that is. Heh, heh, heh."
  • Payne shows his "nurturing" side when he confronts the alleged monster in Tiger's closet.
    Major Payne: He in there? (riddles closet with bullets) If he's still in there, he ain't happy.
    Emily: (coming upstairs) What was that?!
    Tiger: Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice!
  • Major Payne imagines an idealistic life with Emily as his wife, Tiger his son, and even a nice white picket fence. His family barbecue is suddenly interrupted by a Vietcong assassin and Payne has to dispatch him using the BBQ grill. Then he tosses his body into the kiddie pool, prompting a casual "Oh you!" reaction from Emily. They all laugh. At no point does the tone or music change.
  • The ending scene when Payne meets his new recruits, one of whom is a blind student.
    Payne: You know, there's no pets allowed on these here premises.
    Student: Yeah, well maybe that don't apply to me; he's my blind seeing-eye dog.
    Payne: ...What in the world would anybody want with a blind dog?
    Student: The dog ain't blind, I'm the one that's blind, you idiot. (dog barks at Payne)
    Payne: Looks like you and Cujo got a little attitudinal problem needs some readjustin'. I'ma fix that up quick, fast and in a hurry.
    • We then cut to the blind kid feeling his shaved head. Then he reaches down...and feels his dog's shaved head.
  • Payne putting his cadets through push-ups and teaching them how he "rhymes military style."
    Payne: One! Don't you feel dumb?! Two! Look at you! Three! Don't you never make no jokes about me behind my back again otherwise I'll stomp all your heads into the ground!