Funny / Longmire

Almost a Running Gag with Walt's laconic descriptions of his various injuries:

• "What happened to your hand?" "Hurt it."
• "What happened to your nose?" "Started bleeding."
• Lampshaded in later seasons:
  Vic: What happened to you?
  Walt: Got sh-
  Vic: (interrupting) And if you say you got shot, so help me, I'll punch you.

"Pilot"

• Walt and Vic are grilling ranch hands for information on a missing Cheyenne girl:
  Walt: (in his usual dangerous tone) Who were you there with?
  Kid: Nobody. I mean, I went out there alone.
  Vic: Just you and a herd of soft, compliant sheep?

Dogs, Horses and Indians

• Reuben Lamebull and his wife are in an utterly horrible marriage where they both beat each other up. She explains to Longmire and Vic that now that Reuben was going to lose his access to tribal benefits, she’s finally divorcing him.
  Mrs. Lamebull: …And without the money I just don’t see the point of being married to him. Sue me, I’m a gold digger.
  Walt: Darla, you think it’s possible he killed Malcolm Eaglestar?
  Mrs. Lamebill: (now lovingly) You think he killed that guy? Over me?
  • Vic’s reactions are pure comedic gold.

"Sound and Fury"

• When a criminal has Henry as a hostage, he asks Longmire what he is worth to him. Longmire states that he has known him since he was a boy only to state he has $20 on him. Henry can't seem to help but give Longmire a "you can't be serious" look.
  • And then later after disarming the guy, Henry compliments him on his shot. Longmire just comments he couldn't let the guy take his truck.
• In regards to the bit above, Walt specifically says "I got $20 in my pocket." A certain song comes to mind.
• Then there is the time Henry's girlfriend calls him up to flirt with him... while the lines are being listened to by the police.
  Henry: Deena, the police are recording this phone call.
  Deena: I bet they are, 'cause what I wanna to do you is against the law.
• Walt finds out that his daughter Cady has been working at the Red Pony parttime, and he doesn't seem happy about it. But shortly afterwards, Cady finds out that a "hot guy" at a certain table was a potential hitman. The smile on Walt's face when he says "Yeah. These are the kind of people you come across when you work in a bar" is just has such a smartass Take That! to it, given the context.

"A Good Death is Hard to Find"

• When Walt tells Branch that they're going to go see Lucian, the look on Branch's face clearly says "Let's not".
• The cowboy's "poetry" when Walt enters the Red Pony.
  "The ideal woman is like a good cowboy stew-
  Meaty and saucy and easy to chew.
  Her spuds should be yummy without being gummy
  And her scent should never turn your face blue."
• And then, following that, Henry and Lucian's reactions.
  Walt: Lucian, we need to talk.
  Lucian: (Grinning) Good, 'cause this here boy's a few iambs short of a full pentameter anyway.
  Walt: (To Henry) Can we use your office?
  Henry: (Flatly, as he pours a great deal of alcohol into his own glass) And miss all this?

"Ashes to Ashes"

• Walt and Henry are robbing a grave in Denver when the local authorities show up. Walt pretends to be apprehending Henry, when one of the locals notices an inconsistency:
  Cop: Why does he have two shovels?
  Walt: I just asked this smart-ass the same question. Know what he said?
  Cop: No.
  Walt: (to Henry) Tell him what you said.

"Down by the River"

• After Henry has wrestled Walt's rifle away from him and convinced Walt that killing Nighthorse, who is arriving in a small plane, won't fix anything:
  Nighthorse: So, what are you two doing here?
  Walt: (Beat) Customs. Anything to declare?
  Nighthorse: Nope.
  Henry: OK, then. Our work here is done.

"Highway Robbery"

• Walt has stammered his way badly through an attempt to apologize for accusing Donna of dealing drugs:
  Donna: Okay. Thank you, Sheriff.
  (Walt doesn't leave.)
  Donna: Do you want an apology receipt or something?

"The Eagle and the Osprey"

• Henry is tied up and hallucinating that Hector has arrived, to which he apologizes.
  Henry: I am sorry.
  Hector: I chose a violent line of work. Live by the sword, die by the sword.
  Henry: I did not know you knew Aeschylus.
  Hector: Aeschylus? I heard that in a Lil Wayne song.
• To Walt, who is dragging his half-dead body on a sledge across country to get back to his truck:
  Henry: Are we there yet?
• and shortly, after Walt is bitten by a snake:
  Henry: [who is not just on the sledge, but in fact more or less tied to it] I need to get you to a hospital.

"Running Eagle Challenge"

• To Vic, outlining his opinion of talking therapy, but possibly also life in general:
  Walt: Trust me, talking isn't for everyone.

From the novels:

• The second book, Death Without Company, has a streak of (very, very dark) humor running through much of it. For a lot of the middle chapters, trial deputy Santiago Saizarbitoria gets saddled with going through the Victim of the Week's papers—a mix of personal letters,^note largely in Basque, which is why Santiago has to deal with them business correspondence, and poetry—while getting left out of the loop on what everyone else is doing. Finally, he updates Walt and Henry on what he's found:
  Walt: What about the personal stuff?
  (He leaned in a little, and his voice dropped.)
  Santiago: Mrs. Baroja may have had a long-term affair with Sheriff Connally.
  (The Bear and I looked at each other and back to Saizarbitoria; it was Academy Award stuff, but lost on him.)
  Walt: Ancient history... Any mentions of Charlie Nurburn?^note Baroja's late husband
  Santiago: Old, numerous, and not kind.
  Walt: Any mention of the financial relationship between Mari and him?
  Santiago: Some, early on, but he seems to be cut out of the picture by the early fifties.
  (Henry and I looked at each other again, but he was quicker.)
  Henry: You can say that again.
  Santiago: Are you two going to keep looking at each other or are you going to let me in on this?
  Walt: ...A lot of this stuff is local history. If you're going back to Rawlins then you don't need to know it.
  Santiago: I'm in.
  Walt: Mari Baroja cut Charlie Nurburn's throat in 1951.^note Don't worry, he had it coming.
  Santiago: ...Some of the poetry is a little dark.

• In the third book, Kindness Goes Unpunished, Walt and Henry visit Philadelphia and all hell breaks loose. After the dust settles, Walt gets a good-bye kiss from Vic's mother... right in front of Vic.^note This would be very shortly after Walt and Vic take the "U" out of their UST, which doesn't help a bit.
  Vic: Are we fucking interrupting something here?
  Walt: I thought you guys were antiquing.
  Vic: Looks like you were too.
  Henry: It is our last day, and I have not seen the Liberty Bell.

• The sixth book, Junkyard Dogs, is full of Hiaasenesque slapstick and farcical situations, to the point where it's a little jarring when the bad guys' identity and backstory finally come to light.
  • In the opening chapter, Walt is trying to figure out how an Absaroka County resident ended up getting dragged down an icy road behind his granddaughter-in-law's car. As it turned out, he'd anchored himself to the (parked) car with a rope, to keep from slipping off his roof while doing some house work.
    "Gina come around the house and said she was going to the store and did we need anything. I told her no, and then she left... We heard the car door slam and the motor catch, and that's when Grampus and me looked at each other. It was about then that the rope went tight."
  • The climactic car chase takes place in the titular junkyard... at about three miles an hour, between the sheriff on foot, and a tow truck stuck in first gear.