Funny / Johnny English

King Johnny is not amused.

• When Johnny accidentally plays footage of himself dancing in his underwear to an ABBA song on live international television.
  • Even better is the moment when a horrified Johnny briefly mouths along to the lyrics.
• Tempting Fate as only Johnny English can.
  Pegasus: Everything in order, English?
  Johnny English: I think you'll find it's rather more than just in order, sir. You are now entering the most secure location in the whole of England. (The most secure location in the whole of England explodes. Cue a very awkward dead silence, broken only by the mooing of a cow.)
• Any time English's gun malfunctions.
  • Special mention goes to the bit in the opening credits when he puts a gun together, but somehow manages to do it without putting in the trigger.
  • Or when it falls apart right after he boasts about his level of technical expertise.
  • Or when he tries to shoot Sauvage as a way of Taking You with Me only for the gun to squirt out poop after he crawled through the sewers.
• English attempting to throw his coat onto the coat rack, but misses and throws it out the window. Cue the screech of car tires. Then he fiddles around with a ballpoint pen that contains a knockout dart, accidentally tranquilizing the secretary. He stands in front of her body to hide her when Pegasus comes in, then spends the following debriefing dividing his time between Pegasus's mission directive and the paramedics removing her in the other room, taking great pains to ensure Pegasus never even notices.
  • Next time we see the secretary, she's in a wheelchair. She shoots a glare at English as she wheels by.
• Any time Bough accepts silly excuses to let English save face.
• English accidentally mixes up his serum rings, causing him to inject a guard in the hallway with truth serum, and the henchman who was supposed to get the truth serum ends up getting muscle relaxant. It would be funny if it wasn't so pupleeblbblb.
  Bough: He's talking gibberish, sir.
  English: Yes I can hear that, Bough.
  [The man collapses onto Bough.]
  Bough: He's collapsed onto me, sir.
  English: Yes I can see that, Bough!
  • Inevitably, Johnny accidentally injects himself with the muscle relaxant.
    English: Bough, take flibve.
    Bough: Take what Sir?
    English: Flibve. Flibve!
    Bough: I'm not quite getting that second word Sir?
    English: Fliiibve!
    Bough: [Handing English a pen] Write it down sir!
    Henchman: Fliiibve!
    English: [Slurred] Yes! See, he knows, fliiibve! Look!
    [English tries and fails to write "five".]
    Bough: "C"? "C"? "A"? Uh, "car" take the car! We didn't come by car Sir, we came by plane...
    Henchman: [Slurred] Oh, gimme that pen!
    English: [Slurred] No, bugger off! It's mine!
  • While Johnny is spasming on the floor, two more henchmen show up and prepare to shoot them ...and are knocked out by Lorna with a fire extinguisher. She then gives an exasperated reaction of "What is it with you two?" before assisting Bough with getting Johnny to his feet.
  • "WE HAVE TO REPORT TO FEGASIS!"
  • As they're escaping, they run into the guy that Johnny dosed with the truth serum. Bough immediately takes advantage of the prior slip-up by asking the guy to truthfully tell them how they can get out of there without being seen.
    Henchman: Okay. Left by the water fountain, right by the fire exit, then to the elevator at the end.
    Bough: Thank you.
    Henchman: [Realizes what he's said] Oh my god- [Bough pistol-whips him unconscious.]
  • At the party, the slap given to him by the Foreign Secretary (and his grunt of pain during the slap) somehow tops this.
• English saying "May your daughters be born with small penises!" when he's toasting Lorna at the Revolving Sushi restaurant. The subtitles incorrectly translated it as "three bottoms".
• "They've taken some of my blood." "Bastards!"
• English pretends to confront and defeat a (non-existent) assailant, to shift the blame from himself after accidentally knocking out the head of security with a wine bottle.
  • "Don't come in Bough... The man is a maniaaaaa!"
  • From the look on his face, Bough knows it's a distraction job. Because you'd have to be an utter barn door to fall for those incredibly fake karate noises.
  • Following that up is when he "describes" the "assailant" to a profiler, using only a fruit bowl as inspiration.
    Pegasus: Well, we need to get those jewels back, English, and fast! [English is momentarily distracted by the sight of Pegasus's secretary (who he accidentally tranquilized earlier) scooting past the doors outside in a wheelchair, glaring at him.] Now tell me about this assailant. Because when they searched the room later, there was no sign of him.
    Johnny English: Well, the man was clearly a professional. He must have escaped while the Queen was being sedated.
    Pegasus: But he's the only lead we've got, English! We have to find him. [A man with a laptop walks into the room.] Oh, come in. This is-this is Roger from Data Support. He'll produce a likeness based on your description. So tell us, what did this man look like?
    Johnny English: Well, he was... big.
    Roger: Hair colour?
    Johnny English: Umm... [looks around the room for ideas and spots a fruit bowl] ...orange.
    Pegasus: [Skeptical] Orange?
    Johnny English: Mmh. And curly. Well, frizzy, actually. Frizzy sort of thing.
    Roger [Writing down into his laptop] Frizzy.
    Johnny English: An eye patch. Broken nose. Very few teeth. Two, I would say at the most. And a scar on his cheek... in the shape... of a banana.
    Roger: Which cheek?
    Johnny English: Both cheeks. They sort of... met in the middle. [The profiler finishes creating the sketch, and hands the laptop to Pegasus.]
    Pegasus: Are you sure about this, English?
    [With a Scare Chord, we cut to the computer screen to see just what exactly Johnny's "description" has resulted in: a cross between a toothless pirate and a clown.]
    Johnny English: [Pretending to sound surprised] Ah yes. That's him. An uncanny resemblance. Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.
  • Then there's the "assailant"'s Brick Joke appearance in the credits.
• Johnny shutting his jacket in his front door while wearing it.
• Lorna preparing to jump Johnny in the chateau after he emerges from the toilet pipe, only to be beaten back by the stink. Then seconds later...
  Johnny: Look, pull yourself together! It's only a bit of poo!
  • Lorna will have none of it, and shoves him into a shower, fully-clothed no less.
• Johnny and Lorna infiltrating Pascal Sauvage's lair:
  Johnny: You're young, Miss Campbell, and inexperienced. What you seem to have forgotten is that... [unknowingly over speaker system] nobody knows we are here. At our disposal we have the vital element of surprise. Now, my plan is simple but effective. I shall drop from the gallery at this end of the room and take Sauvage prisoner. You will then enter from the far door, cutting off any means of escape. Then, using Sauvage as a hostage, we'll get the hell out of here. Clear?
  • Also Sauvage sinking into a chair with a resigned expression and his hilariously over the top reaction to Johnny "taking him by surprise".
• Related to the page image, when Johnny is accidentally crowned king and has Pascal arrested, Handel's "Zadok the Priest" kicks back in with "God save the king!" as everyone applauds/cheers.
• Johnny hits the ejector seat button for his car's passenger seat with his elbow at the end. With Lorna sitting in it. Cue an Almost Kiss, and a Curse Cut Short from Johnny.
• Johnny pantsing the real Archbishop of Canterbury, believing that he's the fake, on live international television. The next scenes are of shocked murmurs from all witnessing... and the Australian farmers pissing themselves laughing.
  Johnny: Do you or do you not have tattooed on your bottom the words "Jesus is coming. Look busy."?!
  [Beat]
  Archbishop: [Positively aghast] Are you insane?!
  • Even better is Sauvage's brief quizzical look to the Archbishop, as if to say "Wait, what? DO you have a tattoo on your butt? This is certainly news to me!"
  • And when he bends the Archbishop over and exposes his ass, EVERYONE viewing this display is staring in abject horror with gasps abound... Except for the Australian farmers who are laughing their asses off.
• The tow truck vs. funeral hearse car chase.
  • At one point, while English is in the car on the back of the tow truck and it's hoisted in the air, he gets photographed by a speed camera. English thus does what every speeder has wanted to do: he fires one of the car's onboard rockets backwards to blow up the camera.
• English crashes the wrong funeral, and Bough comes to his aid by passing him off as an escaped mental patient.
  • "Real tears! Do you get paid extra for that?"
  • "...Fwebib! ...Fwebib!"
• After the parking garage fight, Johnny tells Bough, "You mustn't dwell on your mistakes. You learn from them, then move on." This is coming from the guy who accidentally attacked his assistant (thinking he was an assailant), knocked out the head of Royal Security, nonchalantly paralyzed his boss's secretary, and crashed an elderly man's funeral that he thought was a cover-up....
• Johnny giving a superior-sounding speech to the investigators about the need to find out how the criminals got in not seeing the tunnel behind him that those men have already found, and which he nearly falls through after saying how a tunnel is the only way that they probably didn't come in.
• A radio disc jockey is heard talking about how in preparation for their first French king in hundreds of years callers are encouraged to dial in with ten things they love about the French, then admits that no one has called so far.
• Sauvage's Villainous Breakdown. It starts with Johnny swiping the crown before it's placed on Sauvage's head. Sauvage screams for Johnny to give him the crown. This leads to the French Jerk delivering a hilariously childish temper tantrum.
  Sauvage: Shut up! All this stupid little country has to do is stand in line and do what it's told for one miserable day! But can it do that?! [turns and shows his backside] My fragrant French ass, it can!
  • "MERDE!"

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