Funny / In Bruges

• "If I grew up on a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me. But I didn't, so it doesn't."
• The hotel sequence at the end.
• Also, Ray taking a dwarf down with a swift chop on the shoulder.
  Ray: Back off, shorty!
• Ray and Ken have been ordered to stay at the hotel to await instructions but Ray is out when the call finally comes. Ken then has to pretend that Ray is still there and then pretend to send him out complete with opening and closing doors and giving instructions out loud. All while Harry keeps asking questions of varying relevance.
  Harry: (thinking Ray is in the toilet) Is he having a wee or a poo?
• Harry's expletive-filled message, left in full detail by the woman who'd answered the phone.
  Harry: Number one, why aren't you in when I fucking told you to be in? Number two, why doesn't this hotel have phones with fucking voicemail on them, so I don't have to leave messages with the fucking receptionist? Number three, you better fucking be in tomorrow night when I fucking call again, otherwise there'll be fucking hell to pay, I'm fucking telling you.
  • And capping it is The Stinger.
  Note: I'm not the receptionist, I'm the co-owner with my husband Patrice. - Marie
  • "Jeez, he swears a lot, doesn't he?
• Ray tries to break the news to Ken that he has a date and won't stay in. He hums and nervously bites his nails until Ken finally gives in.
• "YOU'RE an inanimate fucking object!"
  • "I'm sorry for calling you an inanimate object. I was upset."
• Just the fact that not only does Ralph Fiennes play a character called "Harry", but the film ends with him killing himself.
• "Exactly when did all skinheads become poofs? Used to be you were a skinhead, all you had to do was go around beating up Pakistani twelve-year-olds. Now it seems a prerequisite to be a fucking bumboy!"
  • When said bumboy, Chloe's ex-boyfriend, catches them tumbling in bed and points a gun at Ray's head, Ray doesn't help himself much:
  Ray: I hadn't fucked her, anyway! Ask her! I'd only put me hand on it!
• The bottle as deadly weapon/lollipop man/karate conversation on the bridge
• "You have no idea how much shit I get from black midgets!"
  • "That's... undeniably true."
• The way Ray says "Being a sad old ugly little man!" to Ken. He then gives a top-speed account of his date:
  Ray: My date involved two instances of extreme violence, one instance of her hand on my cock and my finger up her thing, which lasted all too briefly - isn't that always the way? - one instance of me stealing 5 grams of a very high quality cocaine and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead, so, all in all, my evening pretty well balanced out...fine.
• Ray trying to be rude to the dwarf and his prostitute while on cocaine.
  Ray: Where are you from?
  Girl: Amsterdam.
  Ray: Amsterdam's just full of bloody prostitutes!
  Girl: Yes, that's why I came to Bruges. Thought I'd get a better price for my pussy here.
  Ray: (beat) Huh? You two are weird. Would you like some cocaine?
  • Taken over the top by Ken returning from snorting a gram of his own and looking down at the pair from over Ray's shoulder with what can only be described as O_o.
  • Ken's assessment of the evening:
  Ken: Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf. I think I'm heading home.
• As dark and depressing as it gets afterward, the initial reaction of both Ken and Ray when Ken realizes Ray was about to shoot himself and that Ken was about to kill Ray is surrealist hilarity.
  Ken sees Ray about to shoot himself as he approaches with a silenced pistol
  Ken: Ray, don't!
  Ray: (Stands, surprised.) FUCKIN' HELL! Where the fuck did you come from?
  Ken: I was behind the thing...what the fuck are you doing Ray?'
  Ray: (Stares at Ken.) What the fuck are YOU doin'?
  Ken: Nothin' (Hides his pistol behind his back very obviously and slowly.)
  Ray: Oh my god.... You were gonna kill me!
  Ken: No I wa—you were...gonna kill yourself!
  Ray: What? I'm allowed.
  Ken: No you're not!
  Ray: What, I'm not allowed to, but you are? How is that fair?
  • Harry's reaction upon hearing it later was perfect, given the fact that it would have solved all of their problems with minimal fuss.
• Ray calling the snub-nose revolver he acquired 'a bloody girl's gun' while wiggling it between his thumb and forefinger.
• Harry's entire interaction with Eirik and Yuri, beginning with him walking in, seeing Eirik looking sullen and wearing an eye patch, and saying cheerfully "Aye-aye". Then:
  Yuri: I also have some durm-durms. You know this word, "durm-durms"? The bullets that make the head explode?
  Harry: Dum-dums. Yeah.
  Yuri: Would you like some of these durm-durms?
  Harry: [as if he's being offered a chocolate] I know I shouldn't. ... But I will. [takes the whole box]
  Eirik: [muttering to himself] Motherfucker.
  Harry: Is he talking to me?
  Yuri: No. Eirik's on your side, Mr Waters. Your young friend blinded him last night.
  Harry: Ray did?
  Eirik: [with great bitterness] I was trying to rob him. And he took my gun from me. And the gun was full of blanks. And he shot the blank into my eye. And now I cannot see from this eye, ever again, doctors say.
  Harry: Well, to be honest, it sounds like it was all your fault.
  Eirik: What?!
  Harry: I mean, basically, if you're robbing a man and you're only carrying blanks, and you allow your gun to be taken off you, and you allow yourself to be shot in the eye with a blank, which I assume the person has to get quite close to you, then... yeah, really it's all your fault for being such a poof. So why don't you stop whingein', and cheer the fuck up.
  [Eirik stands up, angry]
  Yuri: Eirik. I really wouldn't respond.
  [Harry smiles pleasantly at Eirik. Eirik calms himself down.]
  Eirik: I thought you wanted the guy dead.
  Harry: I do want the guy dead. I want him fuckin' crucified. But it don't change the fact that he stitched you up like a blind little gay boy, does it? ... Thanks for the gun, Yuri.
• "I don't wanna come back and find you hiding in a cupboard!" Harry's accent makes it even funnier. "'idin' in a cah-bahd!"
  • The entire scene with the pregnant landlord interrupting the shoot-out, really.
• Ray trying to tell a group of overweight American tourists that climbing the tower might be a bad idea because the stairway is very narrow. When they don't pick up on his hints, he finally gives up and tell them they are "a bunch of fookin' elephants".
  • Soon after Ray calls them elephants, the leader of the group awkwardly tries to grab him and Ray just darts and shifts around, yelling "Leave it Fatty!" until the man is winded after only a few moments. When Ken comes up (unaware of what happened) and politely mentions to the family about how the tower is "really narrow", one of the women yells "Screw you motherfucker!", with Ken's eyes widening in shock and asking Ray what that was about.
• Probably a bit dark, but the bit near the end with Harry and Ken trying to get up to the tower. One, the guard mentions that an American had a heart attack going up the stairs, and then a few seconds later when Harry starts beating the shit out of the guard, the guard makes a weird noise as he's being hit that's kind of hard to explain in writing.
  • Harry had just tried to bribe the guard with a 100 Euro note. The guard instead crumpled the note, threw it back in Harry's face and proceeded to repeatedly poke him in the forehead. All the while Harry has a blank stare on his face. Ken has a look of “Well, you fucked up” on his face before walking away from the beating.
  • Made extra funny because it's the same obnoxious jobsworth who refused to take Ken's change to enter the tower in the beginning. He realises too late who he's bullying the second time around.
• Funny in a very Meta kind of way, is Matt Smith in a Deleted Scene, a flashback depicting him as young Harry, walking into a police station and decapitating the cop who killed Ken's wife.
• Yuri's obsession with alcoves.
• After Chloe bails Ray out of jail:
  Ray: And I'll get you all your acid and ecstasy back.
  (The officers perk their heads up upon hearing this.)
  Chloe: (looking at them nervously) English humour.
• And an extreme Mood Whiplash bit where Ken has thrown himself from the top of a tower so he could warn Ray that Harry was in Bruges, and to give him his gun. Unfortunately, because of this, the gun is absolutely demolished.
• Ray. He is full of guilt and sorrow but he sure hides it behind an amazingly funny nature.
  Eirik: I can't see!
  Ray: Of course not! I just shot a fuckin' blank through your fuckin' eye!
  • Before lamenting, among all the blood and panic and broken glass, that he missed out on having sex.
  Ray: (whining) I haven't had a shag in months!
• Ken's delightful "The Reason You Suck" Speech to Harry:
  Ken: Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a cunt. You're a cunt now. You've always been a cunt. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger cunt. And maybe have some more cunt kids.
  • Harry's reaction is, if possible, even more delightful.
  Harry: Leave my kids fucking out of it, what have they done. YOU FUCKING RETRACT THAT BIT ABOUT MY CUNT FUCKING KIDS!
  Ken: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.
  Harry: Insulting my fucking kids? That's going overboard mate!
  Ken: I retracted it, didn't I? (pause) Still leaves you being a cunt.
  Harry: Yeah, I fucking got that.
• In a deleted scene, Harry very quickly shuts down a chatty train passenger:
  Man: ...off to Belgium on business?
  Harry: If I wanted to have a conversation with a cunt, I'd go to the Have-A-Conversation-With-A-Cunt Shop.
  [Beat]
  [Death Glare]
• Ray's reaction to seeing a dwarf in a school uniform acting out a scene for a movie production. "They're filming midgets!"
• Towards the end of the film, Harry and Ken go into the tower to have a shootout without endangering any civilians. In the tower, Ken sets his gun aside as Harry draws his and Harry is absolutely incredulous at what Ken tells him...up until Harry decides to spare him, but still shoots him in the leg as punishment. Mix of Heartwarming too.
  Harry: What are you doing??!
  (Ken pushes the gun towards him.)
  Harry: (Incredulous) What are you fucking doing??!
  Ken:I'm not fighting anymore Harry.'''
  Harry:...Alright, then I'm blowing your fucking head off (holds gun to Kens head.)
  (Ken nods.)
  Harry: Oh, don't come over all GANDHI, what are you FUCKING doing??! [Beat] Ken, stop messing about, please, (pushes the gun back towards him, still holding his own to Kens head) I know I'm going to beat you anyway 'cause you're a spaz, but....
  Ken: Harry...I'm totally in your debt. Things that have gone between us in the past....I love you unreservedly for all that.'''
  Harry: WHA....?
  Ken: For your integrity, for your honour. I love ya. The boy had to be let go. The boy had to be given a chance. Had to do that. I had to say "Fuck you.And fuck what I owe you. And fuck everything that's gone on between us." And that's what I had to do. But I'm not fighting ya. And I accept totally everything you're gonna do. I accept it. Totally.
  Harry: [Beat] Oh yeah?
  Ken: [Beat] Yeah.
  Harry: Well, if you say all that fucking stuff, I can't fucking shoot you, now can I?
  Ken: It's entirely up to you Harry. Entirely your call. All I'm saying is...I'm not fighting.
  Harry: [Beat] (Shoots Ken in the leg.)
  Ken: FUCKING CUNT!
  Harry: Right, I'm not gonna do nothing to you just because you're standing about like Robert fucking Powell?
  Ken: (In pain) Like WHO?!
  Harry: Like Robert fucking Powell, like Jesus of fucking Nazareth.
  Ken: My FUCKING leg!
• In the restaurant, when a (seemingly) American man gets irritable about Chloe's cigarette smoke.

  Tourist: Fucking unbelievable.

  Ray: (For a moment, you can tell he's trying not to take the bait, not to react. That doesn't last long.) What's "fucking unbelievable?"

  Tourist: You talking to me?

  Ray: (Quietly, just loud enough for the other guy to hear) He pauses, even though he knows he should just hit the cunt. And he repeats- (Louder) Yes, I am talking to you, what's "fucking unbelievable"?

  • WHAM! "That's for John Lennon, you Yankee fucking cunt."
• On their first night in Bruges, Ray is impatient at being stuck in the hotel as per Harry's orders and wants to go to the pub. He gets Ken to stop reading and go out by slyly mentioning how picturesque the city must look at night. He evens gives a little cheer of glee as Ken relents and puts his book down.

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