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Funny: Bill Cosby
  • The entire "To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With" routine from the album of the same name. It's a 22-minute routine on nighttime hijinks involving an undersized bed (on which he and Russell keep fighting over sides), a grouchy father, and tall tales about who broke the bed. Their father continues to threaten to come in with the belt to spank them both, which will "rip the meat off of their bodies" should it hit them. Realizing that neither boy will go to sleep, the father forces them both to stand up on the floor until morning. The skit ends with, "I don't want you touching me on my side of the floor, either."
  • Also, what has popularly become known as "the Noah routine". Actually three short skits, riffing off what would actually happen were Joe Random Citizen one day asked by the Lord to build an ark (for one thing, his neighbor would be really cranky when it blocked his driveway...) Please, if you're currently blank-faced, go listen to this thing right now.
    • The routine starts with a bewildered Noah being commanded to build the ark; Noah's lines are audibly delivered with a big "This is a joke, right?" grin (and, when Cosby performed this sketch on television, he was indeed wearing just such a grin to deliver Noah's lines):
      There's a fella by the name of Noah, built an ark, everybody knows he built an ark, you say, "What'd Noah do?", they say, "Well, he built an ark." But very few people know about the conversation that went on between the Lord and Noah. You see, Noah was in his rec room, sawing away, he was making a few things for the home, there, he's a good carpenter... (imitating saw) VOO-ba, VOO-ba, VOO-ba, VOO-ba...
      (ding!)
      Noah.
      "... somebody call?" (beat; resumes sawing) VOO-ba, VOO-ba, VOO-ba...
      (ding!)
      Noah.
      "Who is that?"
      It's the Lord, Noah.
      "... Riiight. Where are ya? Whaddaya want, I've been good!"
      I want you to build... an ark.
      "... Riiight. What's an ark?"
      Get some wood. Build it. Three hundred cubits by eighty cubits by forty cubits.
      "... Riiight. What's a cubit?"
      Let's see, a cubit, I used to know what a cubit was, uh... well, don't worry about that, Noah, when you get that done, go out into the world, collect all of the animals in the world by twos, male and female, and put them into the ark.
      "... Riiight. Who is this really? What's goin' on? How come you want me to do all these weird things?"
      I'm going to destroy the world.
      "... Riiight. Am I on Candid Camera?... How ya gonna do it?"
      I'm gonna make it rain for a thousand days and drown 'em right out.
      "... Riiight. Listen, do this, you'll save water. Let it rain for forty days and forty nights, and wait for the sewers to back up."
      ... Riiight.
    • Later, Noah has an argument with his next-door neighbour, who can't get to work because the ark is blocking his driveway:
      I was just wondering, what would be the effect of an ark on the average neighbour? Now here's a guy goin' to work, seven o'clock in the morning, Noah's next-door neighbour, he sees the ark.
      "(whistles, trails off) ... HEY! Noah, up there!"
      "Whaddaya want?"
      "What is this!?"
      "It's an ark!"
      "Uh-huh. You wanna get it out of my driveway?! I gotta get to work! Listen, what's this thing for, anyway?"
      "I can't tell you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."
      "Well, I mean, can't you give me a little hint?"
      "You want a hint?"
      "Yes, please!"
      "How long can you tread water? Ha ha ha ha ha."
    • Later still, Noah has finished building the ark and is struggling to get the animals into it. A return visit from the Lord causes him to snap and unleash an epic rant - until the rains begin:
      'Course, Noah had a- had a heck of a job, really. He had to go out and collect all of the animals in the world by twos, two mosquitoes, "Male or female?", and, uh, he had to keep telling the rabbits, "Only two. Only two! Only two." So we find Noah pulling up the last two animals, two hippos, and he's really in a hurry to get 'em up because he's afraid that the Lord's gonna call him and ask him to do something else and his nerves are shot, this is one heck of a job for a man 600 years old! So we find him pulling up the last two hippos, and of course, the Lord does call him there.
      "Come on, fat hippos, hurry up! Come on, will ya, please?"
      (ding!)
      Noah.
      "WHAT!? What do you want?!"
      Gotta take one of those hippos out and bring in another one.
      "What for!?"
      'Cause you got two males down there and you need to bring in a female.
      "I'm not bringin' nothin' in! You change one of 'em!"
      Come on, you know I don't work like that.
      "Well, I'm sick and tired of this, I've had enough of this stuff, I've been working all day, working on it for days and days, I'm sick and tired of this!"
      Noah?
      "Yeah?"
      How long can you tread water?
      "Yeah, well I got news for you, I'm sick and tired of this whole mess! The whole neigbourhood's out there laughing at me, they're all having a grand time at good old Noah there, I went out there and got my best friend Larry, I said 'Larry, listen, I've been talking with the Lord!' Larry said, 'Oh really?' 'Yeah, yeah! Lord, Larry! Larry, Lord!' You walked off laughing and I hear 'em all laughing at me, you know I'm the only guy in this neighbourhood with an ark? People around here laughing, picket signs walking up and down, I'm sick and tired of this stuff here! People walking around here, 'How you doing Tarzan? How's everything up there?' Sick and tired of this mess here, you're supposed to know all and see all, you let me go out there and bring in a pregnant elephant, you give me no manual for delivery or nothin', never told me the thing was pregnant, there's good old Noah waitin' underneath the elephant there, BROOOOM! Right on top of me! Sick and tired of this mess here, had enough of all this stuff for you runnin' around, you're supposed to know all and see all like I said before, you let me go out there and do all this stuff here, you never even looked in the bottom of that ark, have you looked down there? NO! Who's gonna clean up that mess down there!? Not me, I'll tell you that! I've had enough of this stuff! I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm letting all these animals out, (thunderclap) and then I'm gonna burn down this ark, and I'm going to Florida somewhere 'cause you haven't done nothin'! (sound of heavy rainfall) I'm sick and tired of all this mess, you're foolin' around, and you haven't done nothing, (trails off) and you got it... rainin'... it's not a shower, is it? Okay, Lord, me and you, right, 'cause I knew it all the time..."
  • The "Noah routine" became the world's longest Brick Joke when Bill hosted a Kids Say The Darndest Things special. He asked a little boy what his name was. When the boy said "Noah." Bill looked at the audience, smiled and said "Riiiight!"
  • The dentist skit for its exaggerated portrayal of going to a dentist. He makes some priceless facial expressions as well.
  • The infamous "It's True, It's True!" routine, wherein Bill relates the time he was in Japan and decided to see for himself whether the rumors about those "wonderful baths" were true... but his wife walked in on him.
  • The routine on "Go-Karts," which features a multitude of great sound effects, as well as a Call Back to an earlier routine about Cryin' Charlie, and a Brick Joke involving the cops.
  • The fernet branca routine, wherein bitter liquor saves the day after he accidentally orders barbecued sparrow at an Italian restaurant while trying to impress his wife.
  • Every sketch involving Fat Albert.
  • Breathing "macho style" with his wife in Lamaze class. It builds to the point where he's getting so into it that he imagines them going to parties and being asked to do their routine for impressed audiences...
    Ladies and gentlemen, the breathing Cosbys!
  • "Natural childbirth means that no drugs will be administered into the female's body during the delivery. The father can have all he wants."
  • "Carol Burnett probably put it best when she described how labor pains feel. She said, 'Take your bottom lip, and pull it over your head.'"
    • ...which is exactly what happens to him when his wife goes into labor and is hit with a contraction:
    "My wife stood up... in the stirrups... grabbed my bottom lip... and said, 'I! WANT! MORPHINE!!' I said, 'But dear...' (tries to breathe macho style) She said, 'YOU SHUT UP! YOU DID THIS TO ME!' And on the next contraction, she told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married!"
    • After the child is born, he thinks she looks...weird. He walks over to his wife, kisses her and says "I love you so much. You've just had...(beat) a lizard."
    • Said daughter vs. the second:
    "Now the first one, Erica, she was beautiful. She came out and said ding! "My name is Erica. I love you both. Mommy, what time in the morning would you like to get up?" We said "Oh, eight-thirty...." "Well I won't wake up until nine, and even if I am wet I will not even cry, and when I wake up in the morning, you won't even hear me make a noise, I'll just say 'ohlalolo...leeleelalala...' My name is Erica and I love you both." ding! I looked at my wife and said "Look, this is great! Like, we gotta have another one right away. Before we lose whatever we've got going for us." So we did. Now this second one...Beelzebub...she came outta the chute a month early, champagne in one hand, cigarette in the other, "All right, who's in charge here? You, the ugly guy, what are you doing here?" "I'm your father." "Get rid of him, Momzie!...Time you been gettin up in the morning?" "Oh, eight-thirty...." "Well would you believe - THREE THIRTY! For no particular reason. And this is the way I cry: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! How's that shake up your spinal cord?"

  • His mother's hypocritical parenting: "Day and night, night and day, work my fingers to the bone, for WHAT?!" "I don't—" "SHUT. UP! Now when I ask you a question, you keep your trap shut! Do you think I keep talking just to myself talk?! ANSWER ME!!!"
  • "You know what my father's favorite game was? 'Come over here and pull my finger!!'" And, of course, from earlier, we have what Bill thought his name was thanks to his dad's swearing.
  • The entire Chocolate Cake for Breakfast routine.
    "I'd always heard about people having a conniption, but I'd never seen one. You don't want to see one."
  • The entire "Tonsils" routine, particularly after his operation, when the doctors try to make him swallow.
    Hello, brain? Yes, this is throat. Yeah, you better get some work done down here; somebody killed a kid or something.
  • Recalling a college football game where their coach gave a Rousing Speech that soon had everyone spouting Angrish and ready to kick some ass on the field...and then found the door was locked.
  • Three words - THE CHICKEN HEART.
  • In Bill Cosby: Himself, "The Same Thing Happens Every Night". "Thing" referring to the kids getting a whupping for misbehaving. Cosby begs his kids not to goof off, to which they reply:
    Cosby: (as kids) "Dear man, thank you for your kindness, and your wonderful attitude about this whole situation, but you don't understand. We cannot sleep through the night, unless we've had a good beating!"
    • After his wife beat the kids with a yardstick:
    Cosby: My wife comes downstairs with a broken stick. She throws it on the table and begins to talk out loud to... NOBODY! "Gonna tell me that you're not going to do something when I tell you to do something. I mean you MOVE when I say move! Think I carried you in my body for nine months so you can roll your eyes at me? I'll roll that little head of yours down on the floor. You don't know who you're fooling with. I'll beat you until you can't grow anymore!
  • The climax of his "Revenge" routine is the height of hilarity. He talks about Junior Barnes hitting him in the side of the face with a slushball, chasing Junior and not being able to catch him. So Bill makes a perfect snowball, inscribes Junior's name on it, takes it home and puts it in the freezer. And waits till July. He and Junior are shooting the bull on Bill's front porch.
    "And I said, 'Junior Barnes, I'm goin' in the house and get an orange soda for us. You just wait right here. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You gunky.' And I walked in the house, and opened that freezer door, and my mother had thrown the snowball away. So I went back outside and I spit on him."
  • "What is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful? And he said, 'Well, it intensifies your personality.' And I said, 'Yes, but what if you're an asshole?'"
  • This:
    Cosby: I know a pain that only men suffer that's so far above labor pains you can't even find it on the pain chart. We don't even talk about it. There is no pain greater than the pain a man gets when a he goes out on a date, puts his date down in the seat, in the movie, puts his arm around the chair, in the movie, and leaves it there for two-and-a-half hours. The blood from his fingertips drains to the center of his chest.
  • In Bill Cosby: Himself, his bit about how parents sound crazy when they have to repeat everything multiple times to inattentive kids:
    Cosby: Come here, come here, c'merec'merec'merec'mere!!! Sit sit sitsitsitsitsitsit!!! No no nonononononononono!!! Here here here here HERE!!! Stop it stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit!!!
  • Bill Cosby on Prejudice: Bill takes on the role of a ridiculously irrational bigot.
Jasper CarrottFunny/Recorded and Stand-Up ComedyJeff Dunham

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