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Funny: Bill Cosby
  • The entire "To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With" routine from the album of the same name. It's a 22-minute routine on nighttime hijinks involving an undersized bed (on which he and Russell keep fighting over sides), a grouchy father, and tall tales about who broke the bed. Their father continues to threaten to come in with the belt to spank them both, which will "rip the meat off of their bodies" should it hit them. Realizing that neither boy will go to sleep, the father forces them both to stand up on the floor until morning. The skit ends with, "I don't want you touching me on my side of the floor, either."
  • Also, what has popularly become known as "the Noah routine". Actually three short skits, riffing off what would actually happen were Joe Random Citizen one day asked by the Lord to build an ark (for one thing, his neighbor would be really cranky when it blocked his driveway...) Please, if you're currently blank-faced, go listen to this thing right now.
    "How long can you tread water? Heh heh heh.."
    • Became the world's longest Brick Joke when Bill hosted a Kids Say The Darndest Things special. He asked a little boy what his name was. When the boy said "Noah." Bill looked at the audience, smiled and said "Riiiight!"
  • The dentist skit for its exaggerated portrayal of going to a dentist. He makes some priceless facial expressions as well.
  • The infamous "It's True, It's True!" routine, wherein Bill relates the time he was in Japan and decided to see for himself whether the rumors about those "wonderful baths" were true... but his wife walked in on him.
  • The routine on "Go-Karts," which features a multitude of great sound effects, as well as a Call Back to an earlier routine about Cryin' Charlie, and a Brick Joke involving the cops.
  • The fernet branca routine, wherein bitter liquor saves the day after he accidentally orders barbecued sparrow at an Italian restaurant while trying to impress his wife.
  • Every sketch involving Fat Albert.
  • Breathing "macho style" with his wife in Lamaze class. It builds to the point where he's getting so into it that he imagines them going to parties and being asked to do their routine for impressed audiences...
    Ladies and gentlemen, the breathing Cosbys!
  • "Natural childbirth means that no drugs will be administered into the female's body during the delivery. The father can have all he wants."
  • "Carol Burnett probably put it best when she described how labor pains feel. She said, 'Take your bottom lip, and pull it over your head.'"
    • ...which is exactly what happens to him when his wife goes into labor and is hit with a contraction:
    "My wife stood up... in the stirrups... grabbed my bottom lip... and said, 'I! WANT! MORPHINE!!' I said, 'But dear...' (tries to breathe macho style) She said, 'YOU SHUT UP! YOU DID THIS TO ME!' And on the next contraction, she told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married!"
    • After the child is born, he thinks she looks...weird. He walks over to his wife, kisses her and says "I love you so much. You've just had...(beat) a lizard."
    • Said daughter vs. the second:
    "Now the first one, Erica, she was beautiful. She came out and said ding! "My name is Erica. I love you both. Mommy, what time in the morning would you like to get up?" We said "Oh, eight-thirty...." "Well I won't wake up until nine, and even if I am wet I will not even cry, and when I wake up in the morning, you won't even hear me make a noise, I'll just say 'ohlalolo...leeleelalala...' My name is Erica and I love you both." ding! I looked at my wife and said "Look, this is great! Like, we gotta have another one right away. Before we lose whatever we've got going for us." So we did. Now this second one...Beelzebub...she came outta the chute a month early, champagne in one hand, cigarette in the other, "All right, who's in charge here? You, the ugly guy, what are you doing here?" "I'm your father." "Get rid of him, Momzie!...Time you been gettin up in the morning?" "Oh, eight-thirty...." "Well would you believe - THREE THIRTY! For no particular reason. And this is the way I cry: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! How's that shake up your spinal cord?"

  • His mother's hypocritical parenting: "Day and night, night and day, work my fingers to the bone, for WHAT?!" "I don't—" "SHUT. UP! Now when I ask you a question, you keep your trap shut! Do you think I keep talking just to myself talk?! ANSWER ME!!!"
  • "You know what my father's favorite game was? 'Come over here and pull my finger!!'" And, of course, from earlier, we have what Bill thought his name was thanks to his dad's swearing.
  • The entire Chocolate Cake for Breakfast routine.
    "I'd always heard about people having a conniption, but I'd never seen one. You don't want to see one."
  • The entire "Tonsils" routine, particularly after his operation, when the doctors try to make him swallow.
    Hello, brain? Yes, this is throat. Yeah, you better get some work done down here; somebody killed a kid or something.
  • Recalling a college football game where their coach gave a Rousing Speech that soon had everyone spouting Angrish and ready to kick some ass on the field...and then found the door was locked.
  • Three words - THE CHICKEN HEART.
  • In Bill Cosby: Himself, after his wife beat the kids with a yardstick:
    Cosby: My wife comes downstairs with a broken stick. She throws it on the table and begins to talk out loud to... NOBODY! "Gonna tell me that you're not going to do something when I tell you to do something. I mean you MOVE when I say move! Think I carried you in my body for nine months so you can roll your eyes at me? I'll roll that little head of yours down on the floor. You don't know who you're fooling with. I'll beat you until you can't grow anymore!
  • The climax of his "Revenge" routine is the height of hilarity. He talks about Junior Barnes hitting him in the side of the face with a slushball, chasing Junior and not being able to catch him. So Bill makes a perfect snowball, inscribes Junior's name on it, takes it home and puts it in the freezer. And waits till July. He and Junior are shooting the bull on Bill's front porch.
    "And I said, 'Junior Barnes, I'm goin' in the house and get an orange soda for us. You just wait right here. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You gunky.' And I walked in the house, and opened that freezer door, and my mother had thrown the snowball away. So I went back outside and I spit on him."
  • "What is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful? And he said, 'Well, it intensifies your personality.' And I said, 'Yes, but what if you're an asshole?'"
  • This:
    Cosby: I know a pain that only men suffer that's so far above labor pains you can't even find it on the pain chart. We don't even talk about it. There is no pain greater than the pain a man gets when a he goes out on a date, puts his date down in the seat, in the movie, puts his arm around the chair, in the movie, and leaves it there for two-and-a-half hours. The blood from his fingertips drains to the center of his chest.
Jasper CarrottFunny/Recorded and Stand-Up ComedyJeff Dunham

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