Funny: Jeff Dunham

  • From the Christmas special, everything between Achmed, Jeff and Guitar Guy. Jeff and Guitar Guy trying not to laugh, and accidentally combining scoliosis and polio due to a slip of the tongue.
    Achmed: What the fuck is poliosis?! "Help, I'm twisted and I can't get up!"
    • "Poliosis" is an actual disease, though it obviously has nothing to do with scoliosis or polio.
  • The "Jingle Bombs" song.
    Achmed: I~ used to be a man / But every time I cough / Thanks to Uncle Sam / My nuts keep falling off
    (music stops as Jeff and Guitar Guy stare at Achmed, and try to have a look for themselves)
    Achmed: Stop staring, you perverts!
  • Peanut on Jeff and Guitar Guy: "You are so cute!"
    Peanut: Which one of you is the girl? The one with the guitar or the one who has the dolls?
  • Guitar Guy's Death Glare to Peanut:
    Peanut: Do you know how I know you're on drugs? You're looking at me and you honestly think I'm looking back.
  • "They say that women age like fine wine." "...My wife's aging like milk."
  • From the Controlled Chaos special: Marnell using duct tape to hold Achmed's repeatedly dislocated leg in place.
    • "Marnell! Come back! (beat) My arm is stuck in my pelvis, you asshole!"
      • The introduction, where Jeff relives his childhood through several photographs. "I must have walked into the store and asked, 'Do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?'"
  • Melvin on Catwoman:
    I dated Catwoman for some time, but I ended up with something I had to take medicine to get rid of. Boy, does it itch! AND NOW IT BURNS WHEN I FLY!
  • During a live show in South Dakota, Jeff's routine kept getting interrupted by planes flying overhead prompting this outburst-
  • One of the few instances where Dunham doesn't use his puppets - relating the story of the small dog his wife and daughter recently adopted. The dog was quite dumb, with the particular incident cited being carrying a stick longer than its body in its mouth length-wise. While running and carrying the stick like this, the dog angled its face toward the ground and wound up pole-vaulting. While his wife and daughter rushed to help, Dunham was laughing his ass off.
    "Then I thought, 'Damn, if it had been going a just little bit faster, I'd have a new puppet: a chihuahua on a stick!'"
  • During one skit with Walter, a random guy from the crowd gets up to take a bathroom break. Walter decides that he's not getting away with that and shuts the show down to wait for him.
  • Walter on arguing with his wife:
    My mom always told me that if I ever got into a bind, I should ask "What would Jesus do?" So I tried turning her into a fish. Begone, Satan! Hello, Shamu.
    • There's also the burning followup to that: "At least Shamu only has one blow hole."
  • For the Halloween Special, the puppets all dressed up as the thing they fear the most (save for Bubba J, who dressed as a vampire, because he, like vampires, hang out with people who have red necks, and Peanut and Jose, who were parodies of Batman and Robin, called Batnut and Ruben). Walter was a parody of Frankenstein's monster, called Crankenstein, and Achmed was an American woman. That is all.
    • However, many of the puppets wanted to dress as something else, but couldn't for various reasons. For example, Walter originally wanted to dress as a Catholic priest but decided against it because "everybody gets mad when [he] offend[s] the Mexicans." Bubba J originally wanted to dress as a ghost, but decided not to when someone backstage told him that a redneck in a white sheet was not a good idea. And Jose originally wanted to dress as "an ugly whore" but couldn't because he "could not find a mask that looks like [Peanut's] sister."
  • Bubba J taking a gun safety course: "Got it. Don't aim it at anyone that you like."
  • Peanut's idea of how a business analyst does their job.
    Peanut: How the hell does that work? Do you go to a business and go "Mm mm mm mm... you are a business.".
  • The very first scene of Spark of Insanity, showing most of Jeff's puppets in bed with him and his ex-wife, Paige:
    Walter: (in his sleep) Aw, these kids with their hipping and hopping and ... Pull up your damn pants, ya morons!
    Jeff: (in his sleep) Second Comedy Central special. It's gonna be great! No, Mommy, I don't wanna wear the pink bow!
    Peanut: He even does this in his sleep! What a freak!
    Paige: (annoyed) Would you idiots give it a rest?
    Jose: (to Paige) Would you like to see my steek?
    (Paige screams)
  • Walter making fun of Jeff owning a blue Prius. Apparently when it drives past, it goes "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm gay!"
    Walter: And when it's idling, it goes "Homohomohomohomohomohomo."
  • Peanut's use of the Jeff-fa-fa DunHAM dot com gag in Spark of Insanity, after he asks Jeff "Am I pissing you off-fa-fa?"
    Peanut: You know, the funny thing is I actually AM pissing him off. And he would like to kill me! But he will not kill me because that would be a form of suicide!
  • Peanut's point about how From a Certain Point of View, all of his puppets have slept with Jeff's wife. When Jeff's wacky and having a good time, that's Peanut, when Jeff's pissed off and regretting marrying her, that's Walter. When he's so angry that he wants to kill her, that's Achmed the Dead Terroist. Jeff's also a sick man for asking what Jose Jalapeno on a Stick is.
  • The ending of the Christmas special, in which Jeff tries to read "'Twas the Night Before Christmas", in spite of constant interruptions from Peanut. Example:
    Jeff: "The stockings were hung by the chimney with care—"
    Peanut: And believe me, the room could use some fresh air.
    (Jeff stares)
    Peanut: Seriously, how the hell did that tradition start?
    Jeff: What?
    Peanut: Hanging up dirty laundry, hoping Santa would fill it with goodies? Ewwww!! I'd like to suck on this candy cane, but it smells like dad's feet! Good thing the tradition wasn't jockstraps. "Sally, what's in yours?" "Nuts. And mommy says they're magically delicious!"
    Jeff: You are ruining this story!
    Peanut: Well, you're the pervert eating out of your own jockstrap!
  • During "Arguing With Myself", Jeff stares at Peanut, off which Peanut starts a staring contest:
    Peanut: I will never BLINK!
  • In the midst of a conversation between Peanut and Jose Jalapeno on a Stick (held entirely in Spanish), Jeff interrupts them, claiming to feel left out. Why?
    Jeff: "I don't speak Spanish."
    (Jose and Peanut stop, and stare at one another in shock)
    Jose: "Doo-doo-doo-doo..."
    Peanut: (mimicking Rod Serling) "Picture if you will..."
  • Achmed recalls that he once got drunk but couldn't throw up because he doesn't have a stomach. All he could do was release dusty heaves.
    Achmed: (tries to make a retching sound, but fails) POOF.
  • Several in All Over The Map, like this one where Jeff and Achmed do a show in the United Arab Emirates:
    Achmed: Greetings, infid—er, uh, folks!
  • Also in All Over The Map, there's one where Walter is shocked to learn that, in Iceland, the average life expectancy of a woman is 90-100 years.
    Walter: Send my wife home immediately!
  • Throughout All Over the Map, Achmed answers audience questions like Walter did in Arguing with Myself. In Scotland, one of the questions is from a 'Jackie'. Achmed calls out for Jackie... and a man's voice answers.
    Achmed: Jackie! Lay off the testosterone! You sound like a f***ing guy!
  • Yet another for All Over The Map: in Malaysia, Jeff was told that he couldn't use Achmed the Dead Terrorist during the show for cultural reasons. He relates this message to the audience, saying he would like to keep his word to the Cultural Ministry, but he would also want to give them their money's work; enter Achmed's brother ''Jacques, the French Terrorist'', (Achmed with a beret and moustache speaking Gratuitous French).
    • And his cover is blown when Jeff reads out a question as "Dear Achmed" rather than a more generic opening.
      Achmed: It has been nice knowing you! Koombaya...
  • In Minding the Monsters, Jeff learns that Peanut and Jose, as the superhero duo of Batnut and Ruben, have an archenemy (it is Little Jeff in a Riddler-type green body suit with the letter L instead of question marks all over it; he is called The Loser), and asks them if he can see him. This leads to a lot of confusion and the puppets Comically Missing the Point:
    Peanut: You see him every day.
    Jeff: (confused) What?
    Jose: (loudly) He said, "You see him every day"!
    Jeff: I heard him.
    Jose: Then why did you say "what?"
    Jeff: What?
    Peanut: (yelling) HE SAID, "WHY DID YOU SAY 'WHAT?'"!
    Jeff: Why are you yelling?
    Peanut: Because you keep saying "what"!
    • The puppets then spend a long time talking about why Jeff is saying "what" so much:
      Peanut: He's getting old.
      Jeff: What?
      Peanut: (to Jose) See?
      Jose: He said "what" again.
      Peanut: It's downhill after 50.
      Jose: He's been farting more now, too.
      Peanut: I know, old guys do that.
      Jeff: Excuse me!
      Jose: I think he farted again.
      Peanut: At least he's polite.
      Jeff: You guys!
      Peanut: (loudly) YES, JEFF?
  • In "Spark of Insanity", Walter complains about them doing a show in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Why?
    Watler: Everyone in Ft. Lauderdale looks exactly like me!
    Jeff: Well, I heard that Ft. Lauderdale is where they shoot their "Girls Gone Wild" videos.
    Walter: That's only during Spring Break. The rest of the year, it's "Girls Gone Saggy", then it's "Girls Gone Senile", and then it's just "Girls Gone".
  • In Arguing With Myself, Peanut relates a story about the show they did just before in DC. Five minutes into the show, Peanut notices a member of the audience in the front row, facing AWAY from the stage, and waving his hands in front of his face every time Peanut said anything.
    Peanut: It was a signer. A SIGNER. Think about this for a second, they brought a bunch of deaf people to see the VENTRILOQUIST!
    • They follow this by explaining how they then proceeded to mess with the signer (and, by extension, the deaf people) leading Peanut to conclude, "We're going to Hell, aren't we?"