Seven years ago, one incredible story blew up the Internet… Twenty-three years after those events… the story continues…
The Machine is a 2023 action comedy film based around the stand-up comedy routine by comedian Bert Kreischer. It is directed by Peter Atencio (Keanu) and stars Kreischer As Himself, Jimmy Tatro, Jessica Gabor, Iva Babić, and Mark Hamill.
Kreischer’s routine follows him as a young man on a class trip to Russia in 1999 where he finds himself partying with Russian gangsters in a what he would consider the best summer ever, culminating in his involvement in a train robbery. The film picks up in the modern day when he and his father (Hamill) are abducted by dangerous people wronged by Kreischer during that fateful summer and are brought back to Russia to atone for his crimes. Now Kreischer must live up to his old nickname of "the Machine" if he and his old man are to make it home alive.
The film released on May 26, 2023.
Previews: The original routine
, Trailer 1
The Machine features the following examples:
- Accidental Murder: Bert tries to shoot Irena's brother in the leg, only to accidentally shoot him in the head, causing him to shoot one of his henchman, who shoots another man.
- Actual Pacifist: Bert's father swore an oath to never use a weapon for violence, something that's a noticeable hindrance during the various fights. In the climax, he forsakes his oath, insisting his son is more important.
- Adaptation Expansion: The film depicts the events of Kreischer's Russian field trip in more detail before delving into fictional modern day events resulting from it.
- All for Nothing: Subverted. Irena succeeds in getting her father's pocket watch back, but her father refuses to let her lead the family because she's a woman. Then she kills him and takes over the family anyway.
- As Himself: Bert Kreischer plays a fictionalized version of himself.
- Attack Its Weak Point: While fighting Alexei, Bert makes a point of hitting him in his fresh stab wound, staggering the man each time.
- The Backwards Я: Randomly shows up in subtitles when Russian is spoken as well as multiple location subtitles.
- Bad Boss: Irena smacks her bodyguard, crushes a man's groin for questioning her, and kills that same man because they have one more passenger than their paperwork claims.
- Batman Gambit:
- Bert throws Alexei off their trail temporarily by claiming they came to the train to pick up the watch everyone's after and points at a random man who keeps giggling. Things quickly turn violent with everyone drawing guns on each other as Bert, his father, and Irena flee.
- Igor reveals to Bert that he introduced him to the train gangsters to keep his class safe. While Bert did help them rob everyone on the train, no one got beaten or murdered because Bert's antics kept them so entertained.
- Big "SHUT UP!": After Irena kills their father, Alexei tries to plead that they can work together, only for her to scream "Shut the fuck up" at him.
- Black Comedy: After killing her father, Irena turns to Bert and his father and says "Did I do that?"
- Book Ends: The first and last words of the movie are strikingly similar though under vastly different circumstances. At the start of the film, Irena's father hears the start of Bert's "The Machine" story on TV. At the end, Bert uses a similar start to explain to his therapist how he made up with his father.TV Bert: When I was 22 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia. Here's how it happened.
Bert: When I was 48 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia. Here's how it happened. - Cain and Abel: Irena and her brothers all want to rule the family and all of them are perfectly willing to kill each other over it.
- Cassandra Truth: Kreischer's father doesn't believe his story about the train robbery... until the mobsters actually show up.
- Commonality Connection: Irena and Bert eventually bond over the fact both of them just want their fathers' approval.
- Contrived Coincidence: Bert and Irena fall off a train traveling from St. Petersburg to Moscow and manage to be found by Igor, who not only recognizes Bert but also has the pocket watch they've been after.
- Didn't Think This Through: With his father's encouragement, Bert drinks a bottle of vodka, takes off his shirt, and squares off against a group of Russian gangsters, only to remember they're all toting machine guns. Fortunately, he's a Drunken Master and he manages to take them out anyway.
- Drunken Master: Bert becomes far more dangerous when he's drunk, going from barely able to throw a punch to taking down multiple gun toting Russian gangsters by himself.
- Entertainingly Wrong: Alexei was told that The Machine was the ultimate man and built himself up to be even better. In reality, Bert was just a drunk college student who was in way over his head.
- Even Evil Has Standards:
- Irena is initially dismissive of Bert accidentally getting his daughter arrested for a minor crime until she learns he drunkenly livestreamed the event, causing her to express disgust at his actions.
- Even though he's a gangster himself, Igor thinks the train gangsters are really bad news. He makes a point of setting things up so they don't kill any of Bert's class for fun.
- Face–Heel Turn: Irena's father was an honest businessman until the police refused to help when he got robbed by The Mafiya, causing him to decide rules and order were worthless and set out to become a powerful mafia head.
- Famed In-Story: Even twenty-three years later, everyone in Russia remembers The Machine.
- Fire-Forged Friends: Irena first appears threatening to kill Bert and his daughter. By the end of the movie and all the crap they went through, she gives him a hug and a car to drive back to the airport so he can go home.
- Germans Love David Hasselhoff: In-Universe. American sitcoms are incredibly popular over in Russia. Irena is notably a huge fan of Family Matters, which she uses to give Bert some life advice.
- Heel–Face Turn: At some point in the past, Igor left The Mafiya, having realized he didn't like being a criminal.
- Heel Realization: While robbing the train, Bert realizes how horrible a person he's become, particularly when he robs Alice, a girl who'd shown romantic interest in him. When he hears how his actions that night resulted in Irena's father becoming a gangster himself, Bert realizes he's "her origin story."Bert: Everyone dreams about being Batman. No one ever thinks they'll be the guy who killed Batman's parents.
- I Have Your Wife: Irena has Bert's daughter followed and tells him she'll be killed if he does anything but get Irena back her father's watch.
- Kick the Dog: One of Irena's brothers casually punts a small dog out of a window just to show "he means business".
- A Lighter Shade of Black: Irena has no problem with killing innocents to advance her goals or killing her own men for being inconvenient. But she's better than her brothers, one of whom punts a dog out window for no reason and another who is even more ruthless than Irena is.
- Made of Iron: Alexei gets stabbed in the chest and quickly shrugs off the injury, getting into a fist fight with Bert mere minutes later.
- The Mafiya: The stand up routine depicts a college-aged Kreischer falling in with Russian mobsters. The plot is about Irena, the daughter of one of the men he robbed, kidnapping Kreischer and his father.
- Massive Numbered Siblings: In the present, Igor has roughly a dozen children.
- Mistreatment-Induced Betrayal: Sponge betrays Irena for her brother due to her being such a Bad Boss.
- My Greatest Failure: Bert eventually confesses to Irena why his daughter hates him. When she was fifteen, he got really drunk and made her come give him a ride home, then when she got pulled over for running a stop sign, he livestreamed her getting arrested. The video went viral almost instantly, he got a misdemeanor, and she can't get her license until she's eighteen. It's the event that made him realize he couldn't be the drunken party boy that is The Machine anymore.
- My Hovercraft Is Full of Eels: What causes Bert to become known as the machine is him mispronouncing a sentence while introducing himself to Igor and his friends. Rather than say "I'm badass" (Я мушина), he says "I'm the machine (Я машина)." He realized later that he should have said "mushina" instead of "mashina."
- The '90s: The movie places Kreischer's fateful class trip in 1999.
- Parental Sexuality Squick: While high on speed, Bert's father talks about how a young Russian woman is much kinkier in bed than his wife was. Bert refuses to let him forget about it, stating it's the kind of sentence that "burns itself into your brain."
- Politically Incorrect Villain: All of Irena's family, minus the woman herself, are misogynists who oppose her running the family, despite being the oldest, simply because she's a woman.
- Pop-Cultural Osmosis Failure: Exploited by past Bert, who brought up random bits of pop culture such as Beavis And Butthead and Austin Powers and claimed they were his.
- Pre Ass Kicking One Liner: After taking off his shirt and downing an entire bottle of vodka in the climax, Bert tells a group of gun toting gangsters, "Now, you gotta party with me" before kicking their asses.
- "The Reason You Suck" Speech: While present day Bert is tripping off a pot brownie he ate, his younger self appears as a hallucination and chews him out for how much he's screwed up his family life.
- Running Gag:
- People comment on Bert’s weight and how it makes him have noticeable breasts. In Russia, it leads to mockery bordering on transphobic slurs.
- Albert putting up his hands when confronted by someone with a gun.
- Small Role, Big Impact: Ashley, one of Bert's college classmates, has only a couple minutes of screentime, but her betrayed response when he helps the train gangsters rob her is what truly solidifies his Heel Realization.
- So Proud of You: Implied. Irena's father gives a proud smile after she shoots him.
- Time-Shifted Actor: Kreischer's college-aged self is played by Jimmy Tatro.
- Unknown Rival: During his Motive Rant, Alexei explains that he grew up on stories of "The Machine" and built himself up to be stronger, tougher, and all around better than him. Bert, who hasn't been in Russia since the nineties, has no idea who he even is.
- Villains Want Mercy: Alexei begs for his life after Irena shoots their father and takes control of the family.
