Fanfic: Hermione's Talent
is a Harry Potter
fanfic in which, according to the summary, Hermione demonstrates her titular talent of singing
(!) to prove that Muggles can be just as good as wizards
. Then the angst lands and Hilarity Ensues
Hermione's Talent contains examples of:
- Alpha Bitch: This fic's version of Hermione is one. Yes.
- Anachronism Stew: None of the songs that Hermione sings had been released when she was at Hogwarts. Also, the war is over but Dumbledore is somehow alive.
- Back from the Dead: Dumbledore, apparently. We never learn how or why.
- Beige Prose: The entire fic consists of dialogue, internal monologue and copy-pasted song lyrics, with no actual descriptions of anything or anyone.
- Chickification: Hermione, of course.
- Cluster F-Bomb: Almost all the dialogue.
- Collateral Angst: Draco's response to the Drama Bomb.
- Contemplate Our Navels: Hermione does a lot of this when she's singing.
- Crapsaccharine World: It looks at first glance like a cute fluffy fic in which Hermione sings the author's favourite songs to her classmates and teachers. It isn't.
- Cuteness Proximity: Hermione, when faced with Merlin the kittennote , does a very good impersonation of the XKCD strip illustrating that page.
- Department of Redundancy Department: Hermione repeatedly refers to the day on which she caught Ron cheating with Lavender as their "one-year anniversary"; for all there are probably people who'd refer to a first anniversary that way, Hermione is not one of them.
- Diabolus ex Machina: Dolohov appearing in the Forbidden Forest.
- Did Not Do the Bloody Research: The author doesn't seem to realise that "git" is a very mild insult in British English and contrasts sharply with the general tone of the rest of the dialogue.
- Distressed Damsel: Hermione.
- Drama Bomb: The plot consists entirely of standard-issue teen angst. Then Antonin Dolohov appears in the Forbidden Forest, kills Ron and rapes Hermione.
- Dropped a Bridge on Him: Ron.
- Fantastic Racism: The original premise was of Hermione demonstrating that Muggles were just as good as wizards, but this got overshadowed very quickly.
- Featureless Plane of Disembodied Dialogue: See Beige Prose.
- Gratuitous Rape: Happens to Hermione, and is apparently the favourite hobby of Death Eaters in this universe. Because they weren't evil enough already, clearly.
- Happily Ever After
- How Do I Used Tense?: The author seems averse to the past perfect tense, resulting in some rather awkward constructions.
- IKEA Erotica: When Draco and Hermione get back together at the end of part 2, they have what Draco tells us is the best sex ever. The description doesn't convey this.
- Karma Houdini: Dolohov, via What Happened to the Mouse?.
- Lifetime Movie of the Week: In Potterfic form.
- Murderers Are Rapists: This appears to be the characterisation of the Death Eaters in this fic.
- No Indoor Voice: Hermione, Ron and Lavender hold entire conversations in ALLCAPS.
- Obligatory Swearing: Hermione, who doesn't say anything stronger than "arse" in canon and that was her equivalent of a Precision F-Strike, is now saying "fuck" every other word.
- Obvious Beta: Those parts of the fic that aren't copy-pasted from azlyrics.com appear to be somewhere between an outline and a first draft.
- Out of Character: Everyone.
- Pretty Fly for a White Guy: Neville. Yes, Neville.
- Present Day Past
- Product Placement: The author's username.
- Rape Is a Special Kind of Evil: Now the Death Eaters were definitely not the most pleasant folks in canon, what with the Nazi allegory and the like. Still, they weren't, y'know, rapists!
- Redemption Equals Death: Ron's death is presented as this in-universe, but it's closer to Stuffed into the Fridge.
- Replacement Goldfish: Draco buys Merlin for Hermione to replace Crookshanks, but he only appears in the scene where he's introduced.
- Rouge Angles of Satin: Constantly. Most notably, the official title is actually "Hemione's Talent".
- Show, Don't Tell: Very much averted.
- Slut Shaming: Hermione tells Lavender that she's worse than Ron, even though he's the one who actually betrayed her, because she's a "slut". Lovely.
- Song Fic: Several times over.
- Soundtrack Dissonance: Perhaps best epitomised by this WTFFanfiction post, but none of the songs are a particularly good fit for anything to do with Harry Potter.
- Spiritual Successor: "Karaoke Night" by the same author isn't a sequel, but is a Hermione/Draco fic with a very similar premise but no horribly misjudged Gratuitous Rape (yet). The karaoke is still anachronistic and accounts for most of the wordcount, the plot still consists entirely of a Hermione/Draco/Ron/Lavender/"Astroia" love pentagon at an unspecified Hogwarts party and everyone still indulges in more ALLCAPS swearing than Karkat Vantas.
- Stuffed into the Fridge: Crookshanks never appears in the story and we later learn that he died for no apparent reason. Ron's fate could also count.
- Suspiciously Apropos Music: Hermione tries to invoke this in her choices of songs, especially early in the story.
- Unintentional Period Piece: A disproportionate number of the songs in Hermione's Talent (especially part 2) were new when it was written in 2010-11, placing its Present Day Past firmly in early 2011.
- Unusually Uninteresting Sight: How Harry and Ginny react (or rather, don't react) to Hermione dating Draco.
- We All Live in America: Even aside from the anachronism, a lot of the musical choices are not well known in the UK. To say nothing of how the characters talk.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Lavender becomes a Death Eater (!) but then disappears from the story. As does Dolohov after Draco punches him. Merlin the Replacement Cat appears in all of one scene.
- X Meets Y: My Immortal as a Lifetime Movie of the Week. Alternatively, My Immortal meets Jerry Springer meets Glee.
- Your Cheating Heart: Ron cheating on Hermione with Lavender is what starts the plot off. Draco also cheats on Hermione with "Astroia" but they were "on a break" (in those exact words) so it's okay.