"I'm not a scientist, and I'm not a diplomat either. I'm a soldier, plain and simple. You point me at a battlefield, I will give you a victory. This is what I do, Admiral. This is what I do."
— Captain Kanril Eleya
"Shakedown Shenanigans"
is a Star Trek Online fanfic by StarSword, written for Unofficial LC #4: "The Return of the Revenge of the Unofficial LC of DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!" on the STO forums.
In August 2409, a freshly promoted Captain Kanril Eleya travels to the Vulcan system to collect her new command, the Galaxy-class starship USS Bajor. Hilarity Ensues as she settles in.
Tropes:
- Alliterative Name: Dr. Warragul Wirrpanda's middle name is "William".
- Archaic Weapon for an Advanced Age/Enhanced Archaic Weapon: At this point the Galaxy-class is fifty years old. The Bajor's construction series is mentioned to be a limited run of upgraded hulls to replace combat losses from the ongoing Federation-Klingon War. Ablative armor has been added, the superstructure has been technobabble-reinforced, the firepower, range, and speed have been increased, and the ship carries quantum torpedoes instead of photons.
- Armchair Military: When a Starfleet Science admiral observing the launch complains about Eleya going gallivanting off to rescue a freighter instead of letting somebody who isn't on a shakedown cruise handle it, Eleya notes his academic record (quite impressive, actually, author of 32 papers and winner of a Nobel Prize), then pointedly asks him if he's ever had to fire his service weapon outside the range.Eleya: I’m not a scientist, Admiral, and I’m not a diplomat, either. I’m a soldier, plain and simple. You point me at a battlefield, I will give you a victory. This is what I do, Admiral. This is what I do.
- Broad Strokes: The end of the fic incorporates a truncated version of the early Fed mission "Stranded in Space".
- Call-Back:
- Rear Admiral Taurik, the commandant of 40 Eridani A Starfleet Construction Yards, is the same Vulcan who appeared in TNG: "Lower Decks".
- The fic references the launch of the Enterprise-B in Star Trek: Generations about halfway through, in the context of how stupid it was to launch the ship before it was fully finished. Eleya sarcastically asks Rear Admiral Taurik if the remaining quantum torpedoes are
going to be delivered Tuesday, and then tells him get her a full load by launch or she's not leaving port. Taurik thinks she's paranoid but she points out that over 350 people died in that incident because San Francisco Fleet Yards was dragging its feet. When the inevitable happens, the ship is fully armed, and fully fueled thanks to Eleya bribing the shipyard's fueling manager with booze offscreen.
- Call-Forward: T'Var mentions to Eleya that she's scheduled to take the promotion exam next month and that she's finished some command-level courses. This refers back to her leaving the ship in Bait and Switch to take her first command.
- Chekhov's Gun: Eleya's customs declaration when she arrives at Vulcan includes three cases of springwine. One bottle is used in the launch ceremony, and one case was used to bribe the shipyard fueling manager into giving the Bajor a full tank before launch.
- Court-martialed: Captain Kanril mentions in passing that she was court-martialed for the loss of her previous command the USS George Hammond, but she was cleared.
- Don't Call Me "Sir": A Running Gag in the Bait and Switch-Verse at this point. Eleya has to correct people to call her "ma'am" or "Captain" three times on-screen.
- Dream Intro: This story and the original storyBait and Switch both open in Captain Kanril Eleya's recurring Flashback Nightmare of her being near-fatally stabbed defending her ship against a boarding action ten years earlier.
- Epigraph: A line from Isaac Asimov's Foundation Series that apparently appears on the Bajor's dedication plaque."To succeed, planning alone is insufficient. One must improvise as well."
- Fantastic Racism: The old Elves Versus Dwarves rivalry between Vulcans and Andorians rears its head when a Vulcan customs agent decides to be obstructive.Tess: Damn pointy-ear’s probably jealous we’re headed for the front lines.
Eleya: Vulcans don’t get jealous, Tess.
Tess: Pfft. Oh, yes, they do. Don’t ask me how I know, though. - Flashback Nightmare: Eleya's recurring dream about being stabbed fending off an Orion Boarding Party makes a reappearance.
- Great Offscreen War: The current 40 Eri shipyard is built on the same site as a Vulcan yard that was destroyed by the Romulans during the Earth-Romulan War 250 years earlier. The ongoing Federation-Klingon War also gets mentioned as the reason for the Bajor's construction but doesn't play a role in the plot.
- I Have Many Names: The fact that Tess's name is different in her native language as opposed to Imperial Andorii causes some problems with a Vulcan customs officer when the name she gives him doesn't match the name on her travel papers.
- Interquel: Set between From Bajor to the Black/"The Universe Doesn't Cheat" and Bait and Switch.
- Location Theme Naming: The Bajor is part of a lot of 28 Galaxy-class starships, all of which are named after Federation homeworlds. Andoria, Cait, Earth, Vulcan, Trill, Coridan, Benzar, and Zakdorn are also mentioned.
- Named After Somebody Famous: The shuttle Al-Birjandi is named after a 16th-century Persian astronomer.
- Patron Saint: Before piloting the Bajor out of drydock for the shakedown cruise, Lieutenant Park Jin-Soo kisses a medallion of Saint Joseph of Cupertino, the patron saint of pilots and astronauts in real life.
- Pronouncing My Name for You: A Bolian warrant officer mispronounces Captain Kanril Eleya's surname as "kan-rile", and she corrects him that it's "kan-rill".
- Properly Paranoid: Downplayed. Taurik thinks Eleya's being paranoid by insisting that the Bajor be 100% operational before leaving dock, calling the fiasco at the start of Star Trek: Generations a very-large-number-to-one occurrence. Eleya's sort of right, but the Bajor technically didn't need to be the ship that responded to the distress call from the SS Azura. Eleya was just stressed and wanted to shoot something.
- Real Award, Fictional Character: Eleya cites Vice Admiral Harnett from Starfleet Science as a 2392 Nobel Prize in Physics recipient, but considers him Armchair Military."Congratulations. Have you ever fired your service weapon outside the range?"
- Screw the Rules, I Have Money!: Offscreen, Eleya bribed Taurik's fueling manager with a case of springwine to get a full tank of fuel.
- Shout-Out:
- When Bynam test-fires one of the impulse engines it lets off a high-pitched squeal that he calls the "baby's cry", saying it'll go away by the end of the shakedown cruise. This is borrowed from The Black Fleet Crisis: Before the Storm.
- At the end of the fic, pleased with the Bajor's performance, Eleya strokes the wall and whispers, "That's my girl. That's my good girl." Borrowed from the end of the Firefly pilot, where Kaylee did that after the dramatic escape from the Reavers.
- Snipe Hunt: A couple of classic US military snipe hunts are borrowed. Somebody got Crewman Apprentice Miq’doh Drohhl to do an "echo check"note on the impulse engine when Bynam was test-firing it, and Eleya refers to a Noodle Incident from when she was in the Militia where a corporal tried to get her to "blow the DCA".note "They had some trouble finding his front teeth after the next sparring session."
- Space Is Cold: Averted. The bottle of Bajoran springwine used in the christening ceremony for the Bajor is said to flash-boil upon shattering against the hull.
- Take That!: Directed at Star Trek: Generations about how stupid it was to launch an unfinished ship.
- Taught by Experience: Eleya openly compares her situation to the Action Prologue of Star Trek: Generations, where the Enterprise-B is launched incomplete with catastrophic results, and takes steps to ensure that doesn't happen.
- Tempting Fate: Lampshaded with a Never Tell Me the Odds! statement from Eleya. She's right.Eleya: Would you like to explain another Enterprise-B fiasco to Starfleet Command? Over 350 people died because the San Fran yard dragged its feet on the final touches.
Taurik: That was a series of freak coincidences. The odds of all the required conditions—
Eleya: Let me explain the Prophets’ sense of humor to you, sir. The higher anyone says the odds are against something happening, the greater the likelihood it is going to happen.
Taurik: (Beat) That is most illogical, Captain.
T'Var: Illogical, but true. - Token Religious Teammate: Bajor conn officer Park Jin-Soo is apparently a Roman Catholic (he kisses a medallion of Joseph of Cupertino before taking the ship out of drydock for the first time) and asks if Eleya has a problem with that. Eleya basically says that'd be hypocritical of her.
