Fanfic / Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around

Legolas; chapter thirteen

Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around, written by crazyroninchic, is a parody of Mary Sues that frequently come up in Lord of the Rings Fan Fics. It begins when several of the characters (which includes Legolas, Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, and Gimli) discover an unusual book and begin to read. They soon realize, to their horror, that the book is a Mary Sue Fan Fic titled "Tales of a Dream Come True." During the forty-five chapters of the fic, minds are scarred, sanity is lost, and more characters join in on the fun. And it is hilariously awesome.

Two sequels were written by crazyroninchic, Starr Struck and I TOLD You to Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around. The former is a sequel to "Tales of a Dream Come True," in which one of Starr's daughters makes it her mission to turn Middle-earth back to normal. The latter is more of a midquel, with Arwen having a flashback to a previous incident with Mary Sue Fan Fics.

Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around can be read here; the sequels can be read here and here.

Never Leave Fanfiction Lying Around provides examples of:

  • Absurdly Youthful Mother: Starr was 13 when she came to Middle-Earth, and became pregnant within a few months.
  • Adaptational Attractiveness: Inverted. Arwen and Éowyn, both very beautiful women, are ugly in Tales of a Dream Come True.
  • Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: When Pippin reads part of a sex scene out loud, the others "shouted various exclamations, about tricksy hobbits and gross mental images and Pippin's mother."
  • Author Catchphrase: In-Universe- the Suethor seems to like using 'vision of loveliness' to describe the Sues.
  • Babies Ever After: Tales of a Dream Come True ends this way.
  • Berserk Button: Pippin really doesn't like it when Starr steals his song in chapter ten.
    • Faramir is highly upset when Suefic!Boromir sacrifices himself for Starr, since Starr could be resurrected anyway.
    • Neither Arwen or Éowyn like the Suefic's constant insulting of them.
  • Beware the Nice Ones: Merry shows quite a scary side at times.
  • Big "NO!": The readers do this quite a few times over the course of the fic.
  • Break the Cutie: Legolas does not take being Starr's love interest well.
  • Cut His Heart Out with a Spoon: Arwen imagines herself disemboweling Celeste with a dull spoon.
    • Earlier, in chapter fifteen, everyone imagines eviscerating Starr with a toothpick.
  • Cuteness Overload: Pippin's insistence that he'd worked hard on the song Starr stole causes Arwen and Éowyn to swoon.
  • Death Is Cheap: Whenever Starr dies, she's resurrected by the Fairie.
  • Department of Redundancy Department:
    Legolas was at the archery practice field, practicing his archery.
  • Derailing Love Interests: This is what happens to both Suefic!Arwen and Suefic!Éowyn in order to make Starr and Celeste look better. The real Arwen and Éowyn are not impressed, and neither are Aragorn and Faramir.
  • Deus ex Machina: The fairie from Tales of a Dream Come True shows up whenever she's needed for the plot to give Starr something she normally couldn't. She brings Starr (and later Celeste) into Middle-Earth, revives them after they die, and turns them into elves at the end so they can live forever.
  • Did I Just Say That Out Loud?:
    Legolas just muttered something, knowing what would come of the fictional Legolas being in Starr's room at night when she is 'vulnerable.' Honestly, he was not a lech, he wouldn't take advantage of a distraught female!
    "Apparently you would." Elladan said without looking up from the book.
    Legolas blushed. Whoops. Did he say that out loud?
  • Doomy Dooms of Doom:
    Sam gulped and took his place in the Chair of Doom, picked up the Book of Doom, flipped one of many Pages of Doom, and began to read the word of The Spawn of Morgoth…and Doom.
  • Dude, Not Funny!: In-Universe. Absolutely none of the readers are amused at Starr's mean-spirited jokes at Gandalf's expense.
  • Embarrassing First Name: The Suethor's real name is revealed to be Murtle.
  • Embarrassing Nickname: Legolas, Aragorn, Faramir, and even Gimli are bestowed these during the Suefic.
  • Even Beggars Won't Choose It: Aragorn says that even Grima wouldn't touch the Mary Sue.
  • Fridge Logic: In-Universe, Faramir wonders how Starr could be an expert on hard drinking despite being a teenager.
  • Gratuitous Foreign Language: Celeste's last name is Sakurablossom. 'Sakura' is Japanese for 'cherry'.
  • Hypocrite: In chapter thirty-four, Celeste calls Arwen a hussy...and this is after Celeste has cheated on Aragorn with both Pippin and Faramir!
  • Improbable Age: Starr is completely sexually developed (and supposedly mature enough to romance Really 700 Years Old elf), an expert at kickboxing, and has participated in drinking contests before. The epilogue reveals that she was 13 years old during all of this.
  • I Need a Freaking Drink: Arwen expresses this sentiment in chapter fourteen, and Éowyn pours herself "a liberal glass of wine" in chapter thirty-four.
  • Informed Attribute: Starr and Celeste's intelligence and kindness in Tales of a Dream Come True.
  • Loads and Loads of Characters: The initial group of readers consist of Elrohir, Elladan, Faramir, Legolas, Arwen, Gimli, Merry, Aragorn, Éowyn, and Pippin. Glorfindel, Éomer, Sam, Haldir, and Thranduil eventually become readers.
  • May–December Romance: Legolas (age unknown but is presumably centuries old) and Starr (13). To a lesser extent, Aragorn and Celeste.
  • Minor Injury Overreaction: Celeste, towards having her hair cut.
  • Obfuscating Stupidity: As it turns out, Prettyprettyprincesssweet 16 is not just some idiotic fangirl, but an agent of Sauron who wrote "Tales of a Dream Come True" in an attempt to drive everyone insane.
  • Oh Crap! There Are Fanfics of Us...: This is the premise. The characters find a Suefic, with themselves as characters.
  • O.O.C. Is Serious Business: Everyone completely freaks out when Faramir utters the sentence, "U r sooo rite" (and yes, the misspellings are intentional), none more so than Faramir himself.
  • Parody Sue: Tales of a Dream Come True is about two of them. First there's Starr, who romances Legolas and is the focus of most of the story. Later on, she adds her friend Celeste, who romances Aragorn.
  • Purple Prose: There's very liberal amounts of it in Tales of a Dream Come True.
  • Rapunzel Hair: Both Sues.
  • Really Gets Around: Both Sues.
  • Retcon: Some time in between chapter seven and chapter nineteen, crazyroninchic apparently changed her mind on whether or not Haldir is supposed to be dead.
  • Rouge Angles of Satin: Happens occasionally during the Suefic, the prime example being in the first chapter when Legolas "whiskered" Starr off her feet.
  • Rule of Funny: This fic lives off it, which could explain the Retcon mentioned above.
  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here!: Thranduil escapes out the bathroom window after reading his two chapters.
  • Senseless Sacrifice: In Tales of a Dream Come True Boromir dies taking an arrow for Starr, who can (and has) come Back from the Dead. Faramir is furious.
  • Sickeningly Sweethearts: Starr and Suefic!Legolas. Also Celeste and Suefic!Aragorn, to a certain extent.
  • Tastes Like Diabetes: Tales of a Dream Come True.
  • There Should Be a Law: Thranduil's reaction to the Three-Way Sex mentioned below between himself, Starr, and Legolas.
  • Three-Way Sex: Happens multiple times in the Sueverse and sometimes with more then three. Most notably between Legolas, Thranduil, and Starr. Much to the disgust of the former two.
  • Too Dumb to Live: In the final chapter, Starr and Celeste finally die; one of the two possible reasons that are given for this is that "their miniscule brains were no longer smart enough to remember to breathe."
  • Trauma Conga Line: The entire Sueverse fiction is made of this for everyone involved.
  • Traumatic Haircut: Celeste acts as if having to cut off some of her hair when it gets tangled up in something is this.
  • Troubled Fetal Position: Seen from multiple characters, but Legolas most of all.
  • Uncanny Valley: When the Sues appear in the real world, they look like this. Their descriptions were mostly correct, but their features were so exaggerated that it looked horrific.
  • Your Cheating Heart: Both of the Sues are happy to sleep around outside of their relationship. And then accuse Arwen and Éowyn of being hussies.