Fan Fic / How Hogwarts Became A Nudist Colony
humor Fan Fic
) authored by Slinky-and-the-BloodyWands
After spending two weeks battling Voldemort, Harry returns to Hogwarts only to find, as the title suggests, that it's a nudist colony now. Additionally, the school houses have been abolished and Draco Malfoy is now quite chummy with the ex-Gryffindors. Harry is understandably outraged and immediately takes on the Only Sane Man
role as Dumbledore cheerfully explains what happened while Harry was away
. As it turns out, the situation arose from a nude protest Hermione made for house-elf rights.
Can be differentiated from Hogwarts Exposed
by the fact that it runs on Rule of Funny
. The author created two illustrations
for the story.
- Bold Inflation: Standard caps-lock key equating to loudness. Lampshaded.
Draco: Oh, here comes 'caps-lock Harry'. So predictable.
- Everybody Has Lots of Sex: Yes, yes, they do. After Hogwarts goes nudist, it quickly turns into a free-love commune. The sex is not really shown, however, and is mostly just implied.
- Draco in Leather Pants: Played with. Draco is portrayed as your standard fanon!Draco. However, Draco not being his canon self is one of the things Only Sane Man Harry is enraged about.
- Felony Misdemeanor: At one point after going nudist, Hermione tells a lie to Professor McGonagall. When the narrative returns to the present, Dumbledore, Ron, and Draco act surprised that Harry isn't more outraged about Hermione lying to a teacher.
Harry did indeed look amazed. "I'm at a bloody school filled with bloody nudists, and my friend telling a lie—the same friend who started this bloody nudist rally for house elf rights—is suppose to shock and amaze me?! I'm way past SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT right now, thank you very much, straight-Malfoy!"
- Framing Device: Dumbledore tells Harry the story of how... well, read the title.
- Freudian Excuse: Voldemort is evil because he's allergic to chocolate.
- Girl-on-Girl Is Hot: Ron and Draco think so when Ginny and Pansy get into a naked (of course) Cat Fight. When Harry asks certain questions about this, Dumbledore assures him that "Mr. Weasley's ardor was fueled strictly by the sight of Miss Parkinson's assets."
- Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?: Draco is straight now.
"Now?" Pansy asked, aghast.
- How We Got Here
- I Know You Know I Know: "Or at least we don't think that he knows what we know about what you know about what he knows."
- Leaning on the Fourth Wall:
- Loophole Abuse: Turns out the school handbook requires robes to be purchased by all students, but says nothing about actually wearing them.
- Naked People Are Funny: The whole premise, really
- I Was Just Joking: Snape put the idea of streaking for house-elf rights in Hermione's head, most emphatically not expecting her to actually do it.
- Only Sane Man: Harry, until the end when he succumbs to the madness. Or sees the light, depending on your interpretation.
- Raging Stiffie: Snape gets one while Hermione is helping him put makeup over his Dark Mark. He tries to hide it with a pillow, but she eventually realizes what's happening and seems very into it too. At the point, a very Squicked Harry interrupts the story and demands that Dumbledore skip this part, which he reluctantly agrees to do. Later on, Snape refers to "makeup" in a way that implies that this incident, um, lead to something.
- Retcon: The story about the night Harry's parents died is changed rather dramatically from the original series.
- Hint: I Spy, with my little eye, something yellow.
- Running Gag: The author uses a Framing Device in italics whenever Dumbledore prepares to tell the next part of story - it usually includes the place the events occurred and a precise measurement of how much time has passed since Hermione began the nude rebellion, but always referring to the event with an amusing Unusual Euphemism.
The Dungeons. Exactly six hours, thirty-seven minutes, and fifty-four seconds after initiation of project Birthday Suit.
The Great Hall. Eight hours, sixteen minutes, forty seconds after Hermione became a Demi Moore fan.
Ten hours, forty-three minutes, and twenty-seven seconds since the de-invention of pockets.
- Scenery Censor: A rare literary version in the first chapter where all of the male character are coincidentally carrying broomsticks in front of them, the hut where Hermione is working has just recently built a new fence, and Dumbledore is happily ensconced behind his desk.
- Suspiciously Specific Denial: "Not with your sister in the broom closet, that's for sure."
- That Came Out Wrong: Harry and Voldemort are forced to fight the Final Battle with giant spoons, causing Voldemort to say "Potter, I will spoon you to death if it's the last thing I ever do."
- Teacher/Student Romance: Hermione and Snape have a great deal of sexual tension throughout the story and are implied to have had a sexual encounter of some kind when she took him aside to put makeup over his Dark Mark.
- Too Much Information: Harry's reaction to some parts of the story.