Awesome: Paul Heyman

  • Pretty much anytime the man has a mic.
  • Trolling Chicago after CM Punk left.
  • RAW, April 7, 2014. The night after Wrestlemania 30, Paul Heyman cuts this promo aimed at addressing an irate crowd that is angry over Brock Lesnar breaking the Undertaker's streak:
    Heyman: My name is Paul Heyman and it is the greatest privilege of my career to serve as the advocate for the Beast Incarnate, Brock Lesnar, the Conqueror of the Undertaker's Streak. A Streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century, a quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of Brock Lesnar. I understand how you feel; you're in shock, which shows me your lack of intelligence, because we hate to say we told you so but ladies and gentlemen, we told you so!!!

    My client stood before you in this shirt. Here it is. Now, I know how difficult it is for you to read but it says (points at the words on Lesnar's shirt) 'Eat. Sleep. Break the Streak.' And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports entertainment history, Paul Heyman, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in WWE ever, Brock Lesnar. Hey, let's get one thing straight: Brock Lesnar is not here to put smiles on people's faces. Brock Lesnar is here to shock the WWE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children.

    But now that you know all the headlines, let's go a little bit off page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at Wrestlemania, the Undertaker collapsed. And as all the para... oh, I know, you don't want to hear this story do you? It's a little too real for you. So as all the paramedics and the doctors are panicking and there's chaos backstage, the most ruthless man that's ever had the pleasure of meeting me, the Chairman of the Board, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, left Wrestlemania and rode to the hospital with the Undertaker. The Undertaker is being treated today to a severe concussion. He came this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull. And the greatest thing the Undertaker ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F-5 because if he did, he would have had a broken neck. Brock Lesnar would have cracked his skull. Brock Lesnar was prepared to beat on the Undertaker to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight because Brock wasn't done until the Streak was dead.

    Here's what really gets to me: when the match was over, John Bradshaw Layfield and those two other things that call themselves announcers, stood up and gave a standing ovation along with 80,000 other people in the Superdome—Superdome, Hogan, not Silverdomenote —and gave a standing ovation to the Undertaker. Gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here's what I don't understand: Brock Lesnar always taught me in every fight there's a winner and a loser. Well, last night Undertaker was a loser. And the winner, whether you like it or not, was Brock Lesnar!!!.

    But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered. Because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that WWE locker room. You're all a bunch of wannabes. When Brock Lesnar walked through that curtain last night, nobody gave him a standing ovation. Everybody looked down. You know why? Because nobody respected Brock Lesnar, which is fine for Brock because Brock respects nobody. He barely tolerates me! And he certainly doesn't respect someone who is going to fly in from around the world to sit here on the Monday after WrestleMania trying to get noticed on worldwide TV!

    So notice this, okay. There are a lot of people in the back who sit here and say, "I could have been the one to jump from the ring to the Octagon". But Daniel Bryan never fought in an Octagon. John Cena never fought in an Octagon. The Undertaker never fought in an Octagon. You know why? They're all wannabes. Brock Lesnar is the one! There are a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division 1 heavyweight champion, the Ultimate Fighting champion, the undisputed WWE champion. The Rock never pulled that off; Hulk Hogan never pulled that off; "Stone Cold" Steve Austin never pulled that off. Know why? They're all wannabes. Brock Lesnar is the one!

    And then you got a bunch of guys in the locker room last night coming up to me saying, "Hey Paul, I could have been the one to break the Streak; I could have beaten the Undertaker." So why didn't you? Randy Orton didn't break the Streak; Shawn Michaels didn't break the Streak; Triple H didn't break the Streak. Know why? They're all wannabes. Brock Lesnar is the one. Because Brock Lesnar is the one in twenty-one and one.

    (Crowd starts a "WHAT?! chant) I'm sorry. Are you saying 'WHAT' to me? Oh, I forgot who you are. So I'll say it slowly for you: Brooooooooooooooock Lesnarrrrrrrrrrrrr issssssssss theeeeeeeeeee oneeeeeeeeee innnnnnnnnn twenttttttty oneeeeeeeee aaaaaaaand oneeeeeeeeeee.

    Ladies and gentlemen, there are WWE Hall of Famers, there are legends, and there are WWE superstars, and the key to that is that they're all plural. They're all lumped together. And then there's only one that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own. There's only one beast incarnate. There's only one conqueror of the streak! And there's only one Brock Lesnar!!!
  • Again trolling Chicago at Payback.
  • On August 11, 2014, where he lays down a "The Reason You Suck" Speech to John Cena in the form of some positively sick (albeit spoken-word) rhymes:
    Heyman: He’s a 15-time champ, and he likes to have his fun,
    but not at your expense, so let us school you, son.

    No, we’re not from West Newbury, no we can’t “hip-hop” like you,
    my client is the conqueror; I’m just Brock’s advocating Jew!
    You see, my name is Paul Heyman, and my client is The Beast,
    and on the 17th of August, on your title he shall feast!

    You don’t like Paul Heyman Guys, you think their attitudes too smug.
    You gonna beat Brock’s ass ‘cuz you the doctor of the thugs?
    I mean, you’ve beaten all the best, but now Lesnar’s on your plate.
    You say your time is now, Brock says your calendar’s out of date.

    So here’s some free advice, with SummerSlam drawing near:
    Get it out your damn system when you say, “The Champ is here!”
    Because we’re six days away from the West Coast’s biggest arena,
    where my client Brock Lesnar will conquer John Cena.
  • The August 18, 2014, edition of RAW also saw Heyman deliver another critically acclaimed promo, the night after Lesnar crushed John Cena at Summerslam to win the WWE World Championship. It began:
    Heyman: I'm the one behind the one who conquered the one who thought he was the one to beat the one in 21:1. Last night at Summerslam my client didn't just beat, didn't just victimized, my client conquered the titleholder which efforts me, Paul Heyman, the opportunity to proclaim myself the advocate for the brand new reigning, defending, undisputed WWE Heavyweight Champion of the world, BROCK LESNAR!
    • In essence, Heyman called Lesnar unbeatable and that Cena's mantra of "Hustle, Loyalty, Respect" was meaningless as Lesnar dominated Cena. "My client is not a man, my client is a beast who will lay wreckage to any man that tries to take the title away from him," Heyman said as the audience booed heavily, before outlining the concept of Basic Brockanomics: "Eat, sleep, suplex, repeat, suplex, repeat, suplex repeat…" (16 suplexes). Several reviewers said that what might come off as a ramble was done perfectly and more than effectively built up Lesnar as an invulnerable monster whom no one can match, even so much as even cause him to be hurt.
  • A non-kayfabe moment, or a sting of events, Heyman helped run the infamous Studio 54 around 1985. At first being a photographer, then having a minor management position, among other things he helped save Boy George's life after he started foaming at the mouth after taking some bad ecstasy.