I don’t think I have to explain what happened last part. But I think I have to. Jesse gains Laser-Guided Amnesia while all his family members become more ambiguous behind their smiles.
The burning nears its climax.
So they go over to the Burkes house where it’s revealed that, daaaaw, Leslie loved Jesse. In what way is for the fanfics to decide, but if they managed to make Kyouko and Sayaka into lovers based on one or two scenes alone, then they might as well interpret it as love. You want more proof that Jesse has amnesia? This is what he says to Ms. Edmunds.
Jesse: Next time, we should invite Leslie to go. She’d like that.
I’d say he’s cuckoo for coco puffs, but I actually believed as a kid that they were pulling a Disney Death. Makes sense, right? It’s Disney after all. 9 times outta 10 they’d save the character that was supposed to be dead, and those that stay dead either come back in some way or form or they were villains. There has been exceptions, but from what I was thinking, this was the likely outcome. I mean, who would be stupid enough to lie to kids about this movie being a fantasy movie only to put them through one of the most traumatic deaths this side of Bambi?
Then again, who would be stupid enough to believe that garbage at this point? Well, I guess I’m that answer. So the only logical answer is that Jesse apparently forgot his best friend died. So he goes to school where the bus driver apologizes for his friend’s death (you should also apologize about that whole “hit the road” incident but whatever) and then... Really, bully? Making a snarky comment to a guy who lost his best friend? You deserved to get hit long ago for that panties comment, but right now, you deserve more. PWNED!
Seriously, it’s worth every scolding from the Sadist Teacher. Wait... She’s giving him a little speech about loss? Erm... Okay. Well, at least the loss of her husband is a sort of justification to her Sadist Teacher attitude. I guess... I mean, if the loss of Gus’ wife is enough to make him and Buckybuster jerkasses, imagine what it would be for Ms. Myers... Imagine what it would be for Jesse... Fuck.
Skip singing montage. And... WHAT THE FUCK!? Okay, they fucking skipped a scene here. The two generic bullies beat on Jesse, and so Janice beats on them, giving one of them a nose bleed. However, we see like... one scene of them pushing Jesse (do they have anything better to do than do shit like this?) and then Janice looks at them. Cut to the bus and we see one of them walking in the background with a bleeding nose. What the fuck? You can show Jesse beating up the bully but not Janice? What is this double standard? Fuck it, I blame the movie being a Compressed Adaptation like I did with Madoka.
Jesse then goes to investigate the rope and notices it snapped. Oh, and there’s a log that is right next to the rope. Why the fuck did they decide that the easily snappable rope was better than the sturdy log anyways? That would have saved a life damn it. He then goes to the rusty car where he takes the jingling little chimes that Leslie earlier alluded to the prisoners shaking their bindings, and when he did that, Leslie calls out to him. Yes, I shit you not. Leslie is alive. I was like “FUCK YES! YES! GO! GO JESSE! GET OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE OF DEPRESSION AND SEIZE THE FUTURE!” It was to the point where I imagined happy orchestral music playing.
Behold my anger when the person is revealed to be the stupid fucking Bratty Half-Pint!
Clementine: Hey! Stop that!
But it’s true! Jesus Christ! May-Belle’s been doing nothing but drag Jesse down. Taking the keys into Terabithia, saying how non-believers will go to hell, and now giving us a Hope Spot only to smack us in the face! I know that she’s labelled as moe, even by the main leads, but the point of being moe is that they garner sympathy and a desire to protect them. Would I want to protect some whiny Bratty Half-Pint!?
But... I don’t really have as much anger to her as I did when I was a kid or on my second viewing. I didn’t have as much anger as I thought I would when giving this a third look over, even if this was the scene that pissed me off so hard that I was talking about before. But it still stands that I am not really fond of May-Belle, especially for raising my hopes and smashing them down, all while sounding annoying. And Jesse isn’t fond of her either, pushing her off and going “this is our place, go home!”, causing her to cry.
We then spend some time looking at pissed off Jesse as he decides to pollute the river. Somewhere out there, Captain Planet is crying. But it seems the Dark Master has arrived. Guess he’s dark and edgy Captain Planet. We then have a chase scene where he’s running from the Dark Master. Actually, from the close ups of him, I think the Captain Planet angle makes sense. He looks like he came from the vines of a tree.
And then we find out who the Dark Master really is... {pulls off the mask}
Jack Aarons!? Yes folks! That’s right! It was the T-1000 the entire time! See, his real business is that he had a stash of pot over at Terabithia and was making a fortune, but then those meddling kids came into the picture, and he had to get rid of ‘em somehow. He wanted to scare them away, however. The Troll failed, the ambush failed, but the rope trick finally got one of them, though not in the way he expected. He felt remorse for what he did, and so in his human form, he tried to reconcile with Jesse, but Jesse didn’t want any of it.
He was also a man of nature. He preserved his pot in such a pristine condition that you could literally get high from smelling them, though only a minor one compared to smoking it. That’s why the kids have those vivid imaginations. However, his man of nature aspect was also his weak spot, as when Jesse polluted the river, he had to kill him. But when he got to him, he was reminded of how he was his son, regardless of if he polluted the river or not. And so, he overridden his own programming and became the father that his son wished he had.
Or, you know, it’s all Jesse’s imagination and he just thought his dad was the Dark Master. But seriously, if this was a fantasy, they’d probably do something like this and have the Dark Master be his father. And probably pulled it off a bit better than what I’m doing. And it would be epic.
Jesse: It’s all gone...
“I know, but I had to burn the stash. If the cartels’ immigrants get to me, I’m screwed!”
Jesse: Is it like the bible says?
... They did it.
... They actually did it.
... Next time on Game Grumps, we finish this. Starting off with a beating of one of the most stupidest messages this movie has to offer.
Comments
