We stopped around 8:50 the last time I checked. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggmOeBnbyXI)
So, the last time we met our wart-skinned heroes, they had just recently transformed from pathetic middle school losers to lame-choreographing amphibians with powerful fists and feet known only as THE BATTLETOADS!!! As the Battletoads, they manage to prevent the Dark Queen and her evil Barnyard animals from kidnapping the princess in a supermarket. And with that, our story continues...
During the aftermath of the historical “Battle of Stop-N-Scarf”... yes, that was the actual name of the supermarket. Space Princess, in gratitude, decides to christen the Battletoads with the “ancient names of honor”. Morgan is now Zitz, Dave is now Rash, and George is now Pimple.
- Dave: Those are the most totally rude, disgustomatic names I’ve ever heard... I like ‘em.
Well, Dave certainly has some taste in names.
Anyway, T. Bird reveals that the Battletoads forms aren’t permanent and thus, can transform back and forth between humans and toads whenever they like. This delights our heroes.
- Rash: Psychotronic!Zitz: Incredible!Pimple: Cosmariffic!
God, I loved the ‘90s and their “hip slang”.
So, the Battletoads turn back into their normal human selves. The gang decide the best place to hide a Space Princess and a Talking Bird Scientist is at the home of the gang’s favorite teacher, Mr. Thorbit... who makes his first appearance in this scene. Yeah, no establishing moments or anything, they decide to introduce Mr. Thorbit with some exposition at the moment when he is most necessary. Seriously, they could have tried to include him during the junior high school humiliation scenes to show their lives weren’t complete crap. It wouldn’t have been that difficult, writer. Anyway, Mr. Thorbit believes this is all just a joke... despite the Space Princess and Talking Bird BEING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! Don’t they look realistic to you, Mr. Thorbit, do you think they’re just cosplayers in on the joke? In order to convince this Flat-Earth Atheist of a teacher, the three boys decide to turn into the Battletoads right in front of him.
After transforming, the teacher panics at the sight of these abominations and then, calls the government to have them all examined and being used for strange experiments... The End! What a happy end-okay, you knew I was just kidding. Yeah, the teacher was just comically spooked by their presence... and then, Mr. Thorbit says he is fine with having strange creatures he’s never had personally experience with and have turned his students into hideous reptilian creatures stay in his house. Wow, he is really is a cool teacher... although, a little too naive. And then, Mr. Thorbit leaves the scene never to be seen again. Well... that kind of made the character pointless. It seemed his only real role in the story was to supply a place for the Battletoads and their Intergalactic Pals to stay in seclusion from society... and even that whole thing gets thrown out the window, later in the episode. Seriously, he just supplied a contrived and kind of pointless helping hand in the plot for a brief moment.
In fact, it becomes pretty clear as the episode moves on... that this plot is a lazy mess. Seriously, they are a lot of pointless conflicts introduced that have no bearing on the main plot and major plot conveniences that come straight out of nowhere. It is seriously like the writer was just making this plot as he goes along without any thought of reason. You know despite the writer being David Wise, he ended up writing something pretty stupid. Hahaha... Beat... the story is crap.
Anyway, the three boys end up giving the “essentials” they need for their new environment (really just useless crap that ‘90s teens would found very essential) that includes a useless car that has three flattened tires. However, this car will actually become important later in the plot (in a weird way).
- George: Now, there is just one other item that is essential to survival in Oxnard.Morgan: Money. I’m afraid one of you is going to have to get a job.
Because they need money... even though, they are staying at their teacher’s place, whom already has a job... making this another pointless conflict. Anyway, Space Princess ends up getting a position working at a donut place... where she wears a rather skimpy uniform for this kind of job. The animators were probably just bored and lonely. Meanwhile, at the chucked teacher’s place, T. Bird is fixing up that shitty car the boys brought while expositing about the Smash Hits I mentioned in the last post. However, they get interrupted when Lamb Chop’s Warriors come out of the WASHING MACHINE to fought off our heroes. It makes logical sense. So, our heroes get ready for battle and chant the epic phrase that will transform them into toads.
- The Toady Trio: Let’s get warty!*The three friends turn into the Battletoads*Battletoads: Toads Rule!
WOW! LET’S GET WARTY! AMAZING! JUST AMAZING! I am already see that line selling T-shirts.
- That Bull Guy: Alright! It’s time to POP a Zit and SQUEEEZE a Pimple and SCRATCH A RASH!!!
Seriously, I couldn’t make dialogue this corny even if I tried.
So, the Farmed Fighters use their satellites of doom (what the hell?) to “stomp those toads”... oh, and those satellites shoot Frickin' Laser Beams. However, the Battletoads decide to use their Smash Hits to fight back. Rash uses his “full-metal earmuffs” (they’re actually just crash symbols) to crash the pig’s satellite, while Zitz completely owns one of the mooks with his giant fists. That Bull Guy ends up literally shaking T. Bird down to try to get Space Princess’s whereabouts. He ends up getting that teleporting stick from T. Bird and he reveals this was actually the Dark Queen’s property. Then, the Battletoads continue to smash the satellites of doom (seriously, they didn’t just bring guns?). It looks like the Battletoads are going to win another battle.
But then, a “Meanwhile” banner passes through the screen and transitions to Space Princess at the donut place... why did they feel that was more necessary than a simple transition? Were they trying to make it like a comic book or something because they never do anything like that, again? And... I’m just harping on a dumb transition... moving on.
The Dark Queen and her Animal Wrestlers come STRAIGHT OUT of an oven... seriously, does the teleporting stick just have the power to transport the users through machinery? Ratty Savage and Wolf Hogan (...I’m sorry) manage to easily capture the Space Princess and the Dark Queen teleports them all away... while one of the rats brings along a bunch of donuts. They’re probably saving them as snacks for the long trip of warping through galaxies.
The Dark Queen tells General Slaughter (a.k.a. That Bull Guy a.ka. Not-That-Famous-Wrestler) to call off the attack on the Battletoads as they already have the Princess. General Slaughter decides to retreat... but not before destroying T. Bird’s teleporting stick (with a skull-and-crossbones rising for extra detail). But wait a second, if the Dark Queen knew about the Space Princess’s whereabouts... then, why did Slaughter try to interrogate T. Bird about her whereabouts? You know what... I’ve stopped caring.
Anyway, the Battletoads believe they have come out victorious but T. Bird reveals all of this was a diversion. Then, they realize that they’ve captured the Princess and that she is probably in another galaxy. The Battletoads wonder how they’ll be able to get their without that teleporting stick. Then, The Alleged Car becomes the Chekovs Gun that I mentioned earlier as T. Bird has modified the useless machine to become a teleporting spaceship. Yeah, I'd told you it'd be weird.
- T. Bird: Besides, where we’re going we don’t need tires.
And with that Back To The Future reference, I think it’s time we close this installment for today.
Will the Battletoads be able to save Space Princess from the Dark Queen? Will the Dark Queen reveal her evil plan? Will this story start making sense? I’m not sure about the last one but those other questions will definitely be revealed in the next installment. Stay tuned, folks.
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