Welcome back.
Previously, Taliana was rescued, and we have no idea who she is. Why? She switched sides for...no reason at all. And after many Wooden Ducks, she proposed to Ronan, Sakura, and Mandy. Ronan, true gentleman that he is, cruelly shot her down...but one day later, he said "yes".
Yeah.
So let's move on with...
The Author's Note has Jake stating that Katie's going to post a fic on the site...and that, even though he's proud of her, she can't write as well as he. I am dead serious. Really, Jake, a fucking first-grader would write better than you. And likely write more of a cohesive story.
And said Note still has him act like a child. Why am I liveblogging this segment?
The chapter begins with the strangest weather ever. The sky's yellow-purple, and it's both sunny and rainy at the same time. Dammit, can Groudon and Kyogre continue the battle—wait, not only am I referencing the wrong series, but Pokemon deserves both a better treatment and a better reference than this.
Regardless, they're mad because Madara plans to crash the wedding. Yeah, Ronan, you and Taliana can just...curb-stomp him without any problems, right? So what do they do in order to calm down? Do drugs, apparentally. Or that's what I'm guessing, since it's stated that they do coke.
Then Madara shows up—dude, I thought you were going to crash the wedding!—and kidnaps Sakura and Mandy. Yawn. Seriously, is that all the villains do? Kidnap the women? And, in fact, why are the women not fighting back? Seriously, it gets tiring to write the same damn things!
Oh, and Taliana isn't captured. She switches sides once again, stating that she works for Madara. Oy...you know, for one thing, it's dumb to reveal your evil plan to the hero. Secondly, in a well-written story, she could have just...been kidnapped herself and then reveal that she's working with Madara. Namely, after the hero arrives to save the girls. Cliched? Yes. But it's a lot better than what we're getting.
Thirdly. Didn't the prophecy state that she and Ronan would kill Madara? Is that not the perfect time to do so? Truly, this story makes no sense.
That being said, Ronan weeps manly tears, determined to—and I am not kidding here—save the sluts. Truly, our hero. And so he goes off to find Madara yet again.
In the lair, Madara continues to use butchered(e) English(e) as he states that the girls will die. And so he tortures them by shocking them. Meanwhile, Ronan walks through the forest—dude, don't you have your speshul teleportation powers?—and hears the girls' screaming. So he goes over to the castle and finds them.
Okay, okay. How can Ronan hear the girls screaming? Why doesn't he use his teleporation powers?
Screw it, this fic raises a hell of a lot more questions than answers in an attempt to make everything look awesome.
Oh, and it turns out that Taliana, now 12 feet tall and clad in leather and...platinum (don't ask), isn't really on Madara's side. He made her switch sides. At this point, I really don't believe her for a nanosecond unless if there's a plausible explanation for the constant side-switching.
Ronan stabs Madara, and then the villain uses a...oh, God...self-destruct sequence. Not only do the villains look like incompetent fools, but they're cliched. Also, how did he find the time to make a self-destruct sequence thingie?
Shinobi--er, "mystical Japanese spells"--did it.
Regardless, the women are saved, and they get into, I swear I am not making this up, a "mystical Japanese Hummer Limo". Yes, apparentally, in the Naruto world, there exists a car that is a hybrid of a Hummer and a limo.
I'm starting to get a headache from reading this. But I must press on.
The next day, they head to a mall. Jake takes his own sweet time to state about how boring shopping is. And insults women and gay people. So why are they in the mall? To look for wedding dresses.
Eventually, they find their dresses. Which happen to be magic. Which also happen to make their already-monstrous-chests larger. Good God. So what happens?
Wooden Duck #19. Okay, question. Did they do the Wooden Duck after they find their dresses and paid for them? Otherwise, it would just look terribly awkward. Furthermore, why the hell are they doing it in public? They could get arrested for—
Wait. You know, I hope that they all get arrested for this.
Actually, turns out that there's a guy who watched them have the Wooden Duck all along. No, sadly, he's not a police officer. Nor a store owner who would likely be like, "what the fuck is this? Get out of my store!". No, he asks if he wants to...at the sake of keeping this a light R, fall in love with Ronan.
Of course, Ronan goes berserk. So he kills him. O...kay...awkward~
And his lesbian friend shows up...and, because of Ronan's glorious sexuality, she wants to love him. And this cures her lesbianism. I am dead serious.
Then again, judging by Wooden Duck #20, the lesbianism isn't really cured after all, as they also start to love the other women as well. I'm pretty much going to call bullshit on these moments, because...any form of gayness cannot be cured. Ever. It's not a fucking disease, it's a lifestyle choice some people make.
Of course, I'm asking too much from the guy who thinks that lesbians are a-OK and other forms of gay people are not.
But all of that's rendered irrelevant anyway, because for no reason at all, the mall explodes. I would make a Michael Bay reference, but it would likely be too crass. Why? Because everyone but Ronan, Sakura, Mandy, and Taliana are dead.
The chapter ends with the women asking for Ronan's protection, and they go home. Why? The wedding's the next day. Quickest. Wedding preparations. Ever.
The Author's Note has Jake stating to us women that this chapter's getting us all...to use my words, hot and bothered. No. No, it doesn't. It's sick. And it ends with him telling us to be prepared for the next chapter of the, and I quote, "awesome cool shitty". I'll give Jake credit for admitting that the story is shit, though.
...yeah, if you haven't noticed, I haven't had the time nor brainpower to make snarky comments on the chapter's titles. Because this...is draining me.
Anyway, blah blah, Author's Notes, Jake remains immature as ever. And the story's based on how he and Katie made passionate love. In the janitor's closet. I'm pretty sure that it's illegal. And he got drunk. Keep in mind that he's 13 years old.
Please grab the Brain Bleach on your right.
The chapter begins with the weather being all sunny. And the girls clad in their wedding gowns. First, they head to an In n Out, and Jake takes the time to state how awesome those burgers are in comparison to every other burger joint.
I will hope that this won't be as Product Placement-y as The Prayer Warriors.
Then the wedding begins, and do they walk down the aisle to the Wedding March? Pfft, no. They walk down to several tunes, including a song by Prince. Dude, what did Prince ever do to you?
Also, there's no priest. Not even a "mystical Japanese priest" or some shit. Why? All of them are not Atheists, and the ones who are married...are Atheists. And Jake takes the time to demean those who believe in a God that they should all go to an island or space.
...okay, remember one of the central themes of The Prayer Warriors, about how the series makes Christians look bad? This story is the opposite (kind of). It makes Atheists look bad. And come to think of it, you know how this story is compared to the series as "evil twins"? That's not far from the truth, as you can plainly see, because the things that they have in common are...
- Demeaning women and making them weak.
- Having main characters who are total douchebags.
- Bashing gays.
- The total curb-stomping going on.
- Said douchy main characters having POWER, UNLIMITED POWERRRRRRRRRRR!!
- Characters dying and coming back to life.
- The authors bitching about their personal life. At least Tommy Boy doesn't go NSFW-levels, nor does he go on about it. Most of the time.
Anyway, after they say "I do", Wooden Duck #21 happens. Yes. During a wedding. Okay, who does that? Who makes love right in the middle of a fucking ceremony?
This story and reality don't often meet.
Everyone is happy for them, and someone cheers for Ronan. Apparentally, this is a stand-in for one of Jake's friends. And the girls get hot and bothered, and so Wooden Duck #22 occurs.
...has there ever been a chapter when there aren't any Wooden Ducks? And why are the wives not objecting to this bullshit?
After the two Wooden Ducks, the wedding party celebrates...with rock music. Because the bands he lists are his favorites. Okay, I like Motley Crue, Guns 'n' Roses, and all that, but...are they even appropriate for a wedding? Especially the choices of songs?
Then, true to form, Madara shows up. Well, we have one part of the bullshit prophecy checked off, why not go for two?
Oh, wait, no. After congratulating on the marriage...he takes a bazooka. And he shoots the married...quartet. Normally, I would comment on how this is bigamy, but considering the other story that had that...and the confusion and utter horridness that's going on...bleh.
Anyway, after shooting the quartet...Madara vanishes. Yes. Running away like a punk. Why is he still the villain? Seriously, he does his "muhwahahahaha!" bullshit and then...
Oh. Oh, wait. Turns out that the bazooka is so powerful...Ronan is dead.
First, allow me to get this out of the way. Why did Madara not use the fucking bazooka when he had the chance? Seriously, we'd have a shorter story! Second, where did he get the bazooka? A mystical Japanese gun store or some shit?
Oh, well, who cares, because the misogynist is dead! WHOO-HOO! We can finally end the story, right? I don't have to liveblog it anymore?
The girls weep over Ronan's body, and they also, apparentally, fart on it. Weirdest thing to do to a dead body ever. After stating about how much of a monster Madara is...oh, no. Please, don't...
His dead body glows blue. And thanks to the power of Love (and, I guess, farting counts)...Ronan is revived.
...
........................
..........................................................................
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH—
(I start to throw things and scream incoherently, and I grab a random axe and start to chop things. In the middle of the insanity...)
SHOULD I KILL YOU NOW?! (laughs insanely as I continue to chop things up)
(...hours later...)
...sorry. This fic...brings me to bad places.
Anyway, after Ronan is revived...he grows to 69 feet tall. And had the audacity to laugh at the incredibly pathetic, childish pun. Fuck, even LMFAO have a shred of human fucking decency than this little fuckwad!
After eating the wedding food (don't ask), Ronan flies away, and we get this piece of fucking stupidity.
NO! FUCKING! SHIT! FUCKING SHERLOCK!! God, I HATE this fucking fanfic SO FUCKING MUCH!
So Madara gets fucking punched, wonders why Ronan's alive, and then Ronan fucking shoots him. With a fucking magical Japanese machine gun. Which probably means that the "mystical Japanese gun store" guess isn't far from the fucking truth. And Madara gets blown into oblivion.
OR IS HE?
Regardless, the end of this fucking chapter has Wooden Duck #23, and the wedded quartet heads home. Good God.
P.S. Jake? This story is not becoming neater, it's getting a lot worse.
God. That's it for this installment. How would Ronan adjust to married life? Will Madara be revived? And when will the madness end?
Now, Forward! To the next liveblogging of Naruto Veangance Revelaitons!
Comments
