Welcome to Part 3 of the Bratz Mega liveblog! Today we watch Bratz Rock Angelz, the movie that was a huge success and thus sealed the deal on many more direct-to-DVD CGI Bratz movies (Though as of late they have been missing and they don't seem to be ready to announce any more). It chronicles the adventures of Cloe, Sasha, Yasmin and Jade running Bratz magazine and this is considered the start of the main Bratz "canon" (The CGI movies + The TV series, which I might liveblog if I somehow find DV Ds or something).
We begin with the Bratz girlz rocking out to 'Me & My Girlz', one of their many, many songs which never got released on an album or digital download (most eventually ended up on the bare-bones Bratz Fashion Pixiez CD), we have an extra redheaded Bratz girl named Roxxie (Who I promise you is not a prostitute or stripper or anything) with us today, she's one of the first edition Twiinz (Note to self: for Christmas send MGA Entertainment a dictionary), her twin later shows up in the TV show but right now she's just rocking with the Bratz. They're also apparently managing to wash a car as they shake those creepily tiny bodies of theirs.
Sasha of course, is being OCD as usual and tells them they have to get ready for their concert that's in an hour by cleaning their car instead of getting there and doing sound=check and practicing. The radio suddenly stops and the DJ says it's time for the #1 hit, so the Bratz have at least 2 positions on the charts that week and they've basically claimed 1 & 2 already, how not Mary Sue of them.
This is the first time somebody says they;re "rockin' hot and rockin' your world" (Second time is at the end-of-movie concert and if you're concerned about spoilers what are you doing reading this anyways? I already gave away that Roxxie has a twin who doesn't show up!). Yasmin kisses the either extremely dirty or soapy mirror and has so much lipstick on that the mirror is covered in a perfect lip shape yet she has lost none. Of course, the girls celebrate (Jade is so surprised that they're playing their song when they were just playing another one a minute ago!) and play their guitars, except not really. Sasha shouts out to Roxxie about them nabbing #1, but she's way too cool to care and merely joins them in pretending to play their guitars.
We're also introduced to 50% of these girls word-usage, "Rockin'" "Slammin'" and "Scorchin'", I'm pretty sure this is where the phrase "Bitchin'" came from, so the next time you're being cool on the internet be sure to thank the girls with a passion for fashion.
Okay, they are way too into the fake guitar playing. Cloe asks us if we want to know how they became rock stars and despite me telling her it was because the marketing department demanded an 'edgy' doll line (Pretty 'n Punk was like, exactly a year before this) and somebody thought a CGI movie was the best form of advertising, she whisks us off to the actual movie.
As they are teenagers, every important life changing event happens in teenage mecca, the mall. The theme music to the TV show starts up in the background and we're taken to the set of 3/4th's of the Bratz girls lives, Stiles Mall. As the scene zooms in, lets go over the characters yet again:
- Cloe: Still generic girl, still in love with Cameron in a Will They or Won't They? Every One Can See It way.
- Yasmin: No longer obsessed with Journalism, here she's a Granola Girl who loves to read and write scripts. Is no longer a sociopath, which saddens me greatly.
- Sasha: Still a control freak, still black and therefore still obsessed with hip-hop. She also gains Jade's self-importance.
- Jade: The fashion obsessed one. No longer sounds like a stoner (She's Punky Brewster!), still lacks brainpower and has gained a level of hyperness.
- Cameron: No longer fixes cars, here he sounds like a stoner and likes to skateboard.
- Dylan: Still Metro but he doesn't really show it too much since his outfits suck. Dylan over the course of the last three films has gone from white to black to latino, so he's probably some sort of supernatural figure or something.
- Eitan: Yasmin's love interest, showed up for seven seconds in Starrin & Stylin with no personality, here he gets the added bonus of being personalityless and having the ability to make smoothies!
As I've been going on and on about the Only Six Faces thing plaguing the CGI canon, I'll try my best to point out the most obvious cases of it in every scene, so prepare for a liveblog seven times as long as last time.
The girls are skimming through scientific journal "Your Thing" magazine and reading about constellations (Their horoscopes) and Cloe is so excited, her horoscope says she's way outgoing and a great friend and she'll meet a prince! Despite this horridly gushy horoscope, none of them seem to realize that they're written so they'll buy more "Your Thing" and not because of any magical abilities, so Sasha grabs the magazine, shooting down Cloe because she'd never touch a horse. Cloe does not deny it, but says she'd endure it for a hot enough guy. Sasha also reads more of the horoscope and in her quest to prove she's no drama queen, Cloe freaks out about an arterial explosion, I wonder if she even knows what those are. Yasmin's horoscope says she's strong sensitive, a little secretive and has a super-scorchin guy in her future at which point Eitan suddenly shows up. How subtle.
Sasha's says music is her thing (BLACKNESS), her style is off the hook and she has commitment issues ("When you're this gorgeous why should you [commit to one guy]", Sasha honey, GET HELP). She's also a control freak.
After this sad attempt at characterization (Creepily accurate horoscopes, really?) Jade shows up, saying she got 'it'. Instead of telling her to go to the nearest clinic to get that checked, they ask her if she means the latest Crash (Roxxie's band, this will be important later) CD. She says no, she got an internship at Your Thing magazine. Super scorchin' Jade, super freaking scorchin'.
Wait, did she just say she's now the Editor's assistant? Do internships work like that? Her friends are super excited for her, she gets to go to all the runway shows, see all the supermodel meltdowns (Maybe Yasmin is still psychotic...) and go to all the happenin' concerts. Jade is so psyched because it's her dream come true.
Suddenly we see two twin girls in head-to-toe pink gossiping. Sasha takes time off from congratulating Jade to talk to the audience, those are Kirstee & Kaycee, also known as the tweevils due to their ability to be twins and evil at the same time. She calls it a 911 Mean Girl alert and then proceeds to call the human beings 'things', who'se mean here, you or them? They also have tiny hearts, so I wonder why they don't treat them better as they could die at any moment. Kaycee had three nose-jobs and has a bandage over her-
Wait a second, did they just mention nosejobs in a G rated movie? Why not just have Cloe start stripping to make a living? Seriously?
Oh, flying objects (Which I'm assuming are just being thrown at her nose because everybody hates her) are just drawn to it. It's supposed to be funny because they're evil, but they just seem kind of dumb. I feel bad for them for having to deal with the Alpha Bitch clique (also known as the Bratz).
The guys show up. Cloe stops the movie to explain that the blonde guy is named Cameron and she's known him since second grade and that she sort of likes him or something.
Dylan spills his drink on the Tweevils, which leads them to cry and the Bratz to laugh at them. Dylan apologizes but gets called a Skater Boy (Once again, they just seem very dumb). Dylan performs some boring skater moves and Sasha calls them extremely sweet, Cloe decides to take a round too and blows Dylan out of the water. Cameron asks her to show him her moves and she says she's got a lot of them, the soundtrack comes to a halt as if this is an American Pie movie and I weep for any other under-10s who've seen this movie.
The girls tell them about Jade's internship, but as they're males, they don't know anything about Your Thing and Dylan gets a magazine thrown at his head. Moving on...
We know anything that happens in this scene won't end well as the music is classical and the Bratz are all about the hip-hop thang (Sasha's own words), we see the extremely egotistical Burdine shout and some poor shoe provider about pink peony pumps and Jade arrives. Burdine wears a crown on her head as she's the self-appointed reigning queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen of fashion and her catchphrase is "Mother of Pink!", so you know she's evil and not at all based on Barbie. Jade is psyched to be working at Your Thing and has a ton of ideas. Jade honey, you're a high school intern, people go to school for this stuff.
Burdine humors her and she suggests a quiz fest and seeing what's taking off at clubs (Because the 16 year old is allowed in?). Before she gets arrested for child endangerment, Burdine shuts her down and tells her Your Thing is hers and Jade is basically non-existent. The other interns take this moment to arrive, guess who? The Tweevils. Jade gives us an impromptu news report "This day is not going well." Despite their resemblance, Burdine doesn't seem to be related to the Tweevils. She gives Jade a long list of things to do while the Tweevils get a single piece of paper. "Burdine is the villain!" the writers seem to be screeching at the top of their lungs. Burdine takes her sickly dog out to shop and leaves them to their work.
Burdine has given the Tweevils a fashion assignment and Kirstee asks Kaycee and Jade to model for her, Kaycee of course is a horrible model but Kirstee manages to catch Jade in a moment of weakness (while she's applying her lipstick, how much of this stuff do these girls use anyway?). The tweevils Tween Pop x Eurobeat leimotif is playing in the background in this scene, I forgot how Ear Worm-ey it was.
Jade asks the Tweevils for help but all she gets is an NOP (Not our problem!). Another song starts playing as Jade works through the list with the Tweevils trying their best to make her miserable. As an 'intern', she basically becomes a Janitor/Filing clerk/Maid because that's how that works. She sits on the floor, tired of cleaning up with one of Burdine's crowns stuck to her head and hears the Tweevils badmouth Burdine. Once again plastic surgery comes up and I'm starting to think the writers don't realize what the target audience is. On the other hand, I wouldn't be surprised if this was the cause of all the Real Housewives shows becoming popular.
They say Burdine reminds her of the fashion doll Kirstee used to hit Kaycee with when they were 3, so not!Barbie.
Burdine shows up and they're back to working. She asks to see the fashion Do's & Don'ts assignment, which consists of an eagle pose Kaycee as a 'do' and a pre-primp Jade as a 'don't'. Jade is so shocked she scoffs, Burdine declares it 'Perfection!'. If this is the Bratz quality reading I wonder what grades they get. Also, the anorexic dog hates Jade.
Later in the bathroom Jade is crying in the mirror about how she's a fashion don't (Recycled Script much?) and calls Cloe, who tells her to hang in there, but oh no! The Tweevils were listening in on her! How horrid! Jade rushes out in embarrasment!
Burdine asks Jade for her mail, to which Jade starts rattling off all the events she'd like to attend. Burdine calls them all trash and tells Jade to throw them out. Instead, Jade puts them in her purse for plot purposes. She also tells Jade to get her shoes polished and grab her lunch.
Burdine answers the phone, lo and behold people finally realized this magazine sucked and sales have dropped. Jade, being an idiot, asks the two girls who just 'embarrassed' her what Burdine likes for lunch, they say they'll phone in the order and Jade can pick it up at whatever deli.
They nod at each other evilly and... have a dance party with a disco ball/strobe-lights in the middle of the room to their leimotif while Burdine's back is turned to celebrate?
Jade's back with the sabotaged lunch, which is a Burger. Burdine hates carbohydrates as they'll make her fat (And nutritionally balanced) and fires her, her children, grandchildren and everyone she ever loved forever from all magazines. The burger is thrown to the anorexic dog, who almost has a heart attack after seeing actual food and not artificial vegetables.
Jade is devastated! She just got fired from the best job ever after only three hours! In the mall the girls tell her how awesome she is and try to comfort her. But the only way they know how is spending lots of their parents money. They walk out of a store wearing their 'Treasures' costumes (Jade is wearing Roxxi's and Yasmin is wearing Meygan's while Sasha's is unique to the movie, hence the shorts instead of skirt), giving a roadside fashion show to a song about something being their "Girl Thing" (???). Jade is overjoyed at this, WAY too overjoyed for somebody who shopped to feel better. I can just hear the credit cards of her future zipping through machines every time a guy dumps her or somebody even looks at her the wrong way. Creepy huh? She tells them they're the best as they've helped her so much (I can't tell if she's talking to the girls or their shopping bags) but before they can have lots more fun the Tweevils show up.
So they've been shopping from the time Jade was fired to the time after the Tweevils got off work? Wow. The tweevils confront them and call them "Faux-pas", Yasmin asks them in french (in a heavy americanized accent) if they can speak French and Kaycee replies "Perfesemente", I'm even not sure that's a word in any language.
Kirstee asks Jade what she's going to do now that her career in fashion is so over, prompting Sasha to say (in a mocking tone) that it's actually just beginning. The tweevils make a dumb comment and leave.
We're back at the girls initial smoothie bar table where they trash your thing and call it "So Yesterday". Aside from ruining that Hilary Duff song for me forever, they also forget that they were reading it yesterday! Another thing is that it includes a lot of official Bratz merch as a sort of Product Placement, are those things 'so yesterday' too?
Yasmin muses about them having their own magazine and Sasha scoops up the idea, calling it "Scorchin'". Cloe suggests an advice column by hers truly "Dear Cloe, FASHION EMERGENCY!", Yasmin says she can write about trends. "Where to hang, where to work it and where to learn the latest poses". That sentence practically snarks itself. Work what though? Sasha suggests being Editor before getting shot down, she picks herself up and says she'll be the music editor. Due to being black, she is the most qualified. She also jumps on the smoothie bar table and begins to dance to a non-existent beat as she's black. Did we mention the colour of her skin? Jade says she'd be the Lifestyle Editor, because I'd trust my life with the sixteen year old girl who got fired in three hours. The idea takes life of it's own and the girls are now all for it. While they talk about starting the magazine, let me bring your attention to the absolutely empty mall (aside from Eitan), do they just hang out there after hours?
Cloe tells them (While hyperventilating as she's a drama queen) they can't afford it, but of course Sasha is rich or her parents sell illegally breed dogs or whatever and she tells her she's on it!
Will Cloe ever stop hyperventilating? Will Eitan ever have any lines? Will the magazine work out? When do they become rock stars? Are we really only 16 minutes in? Find out next time here on the Bratz Megaliveblog!
Comments
where said mommy does indeed get a nose job. The Internet hates it.
If Buffy the Vampire Slayer is anything to go by, at least some clubs will let 16-year-olds in, but they presumably would have to get a red X on their hands.
Wow, I'm being a real devils advocate here.
How do you get fired from an internship? The whole point of an internship is that you're not working for the company, you're just getting experience.
The French word for perfectly is actually parfaitement. Interestingly enough, perfesement gets 0 hits on Google, and I tried both Irish and French Google. Google Bomb!
Though I'm sure that wasn't what she was going for.
