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A Perfect Cliche Storm: Let's Read Adventurers Wanted
Fantasizing: An Introduction
(gets equipped with Spork, Lulz Goggles)

You may snark when ready. :>)
WillyFourEyes
Sounds like prime lulzblog material. I'll be interested in seeing where this goes.
SapphireBlue
The "adventure company" takes the cake for me. It sounds so contrived!

And Extruded Book Product is a trope that I created! *pats self on back* Though I didn't come up with the name.
BonsaiForest
Great opening blurb! Freezair, you so funny.

This sounds like it's going to be dreadful... ly fun! :D
Ronka87
I see you've decided to join us, Ronka. I hope you've got time; this is a long'un. XD
FreezairForALimitedTime
Would You Like Some Toast With Your Milk?
ADVENTURERS WANTED! INQUIRE WITHIN! GREAT ADVENTURES! REASONABLE PRICES! APPLY TODAY! sounds like something I'd expect from a comedy!! And this is in a dead serious work? It sounds so far like a blend of cliches from serious stories and light-hearted ones that just don't mix together!

Alex's Establishing Character Moment establishes him as not a character, but the author's pawn.
BonsaiForest
Admittedly, the concept might have had some potential...in the hands of a wittier writer with more lively prose. This is as dry as it gets. I'm just hoping he doesn't go off to "Adventurer Heaven" at some point.
Cliche
I'm with Bonsai Forest here; the whole concept of paying to have a fantasy adventure sounds like something from a parody of high fantasy. Yet this book seems to have no self-awareness at all.
Idler20
This could have made an awesome parody. Unfortunately, it seems to be taking itself seriously. That's just too bad.

I lol'd at the wonderfully typical elf and dwarf as well. I'd assume we'll be getting some other fantasy archetypes joining his group later on? Probably some kind of magic user, maybe a Lovable Rogue or something along those lines.

You're doing a great job making fun of this thing so far. I'll definitely keep an eye on this liveblog.
SapphireBlue
I'm reminded of the Landover series. It manages to do the "Purchase yourself a fantasy adventure" thing with equal amounts of comedy and drama, since while it is no doubt funny (especially the state of the kingdom), the protagonist's reasons for doing so are kind of sad (he feels he has nothing left on Earth since his wife's death).
FreezairForALimitedTime
BREGNEST THE PREGNANT! This is probably the funniest Mondegreen I've heard in a long, long time. (See also my comments on Page 3 of this mess.) And I really liked the house of Playboy thing.

Also, being a crypto-chemistry geek, the noble gas joke made me laugh out loud the first time I read it. Good show!
lee4hmz
And now, reading this LB nearly two years after I first read it? Wow, the plot twists are so not shocking that it kind of hurts anyway. Everything is so predictable; even the "paying to go on the adventure" thing isn't so much a twist as it's an odd plot device that sounds like it shouldn't be here.
lee4hmz
Evil Detecting Elf
"If Dwarfbeard was being logical—or thought at all like a normal person—he'd probably note that most of the people Slathbog stole from are dead. But, no. I have a feeling we're going to be seeing this Adventurer's Handbook a lot. Page 57 clearly states, You Kill It You Bought It."

...what? I thought this was a real adventure, not a Dungeons and Dragons game.
Cliche
I have my suspicions that that's where this thing began, though.
FreezairForALimitedTime
But who is the comic relief?!
Myrmidon
I am! :P
FreezairForALimitedTime
Survey says... [DING!]

Number one answer!
WillyFourEyes
Really liking this liveblog so far; Mr. Pregnant makes me crack up every time he's mentioned now, for reasons that have nothing to do with the story, of course. "Mr. Pregnant, the gravid superhero! Watch out for his Wave O Babies!"

And Halfdan? What kind of name is that? Aside from the fact that I can't say it out loud without laughing...
lee4hmz
The most frightening thing about that is that there actually is a superhero like that; sort of. Mother of Champions. And good golly gosh is she creepy.
FreezairForALimitedTime
-googles it-

Oh, okay, she's from Fifty Two, which I've heard of (yeah, Linkara again) but not actually read. And yeah, Wave O Babies is pretty much on point. O_O
lee4hmz
See, if I were doing this, these new guys would be Skaar, son of Hulk, either Tony Yayo or Mars Blackman, Lieutenant Dan, and Holly Goodhead. But maybe that's just me.

And clearly Freezair hasn't read the Great Ten miniseries. Mother of Champions is pretty hardcore.

Also, I'm beginning to suspect that this book is meant as a parody of a JRPG. The easily swayed, completely neutral hero was my first hint.
EponymousKid (edited by: EponymousKid)
That's just not my bag, baby!
Some things should just be handwaved or simply accepted, rather than trying to explain them. Alex mentioning that it's possible to sleep inside a Bag Of Holding and the lame explanation why he can't only makes readers wonder just why he doesn't?

A better explanation might have been "because goblins could pick up the bag and throw it in the water, and you'd drown." Or "it's impossible to climb back out of a bag of holding. It's not meant for living things." Or better yet, Alex should have just not asked the question. Wait, why did he ask a question anyway?
BonsaiForest
You actually can go inside the Bags of Holding in this universe; they are meant to be traveled into by people. Which just makes the excuse all the lamer, especially when it seems like a perectly reasonable question.
FreezairForALimitedTime
I'm betting on Andy as the most likely Wizard canidate. Him or Alex.
Myrmidon
Actually, having the group sleep in a Bag Of Holding is a pretty ingenious idea. Just have one person outside the bag on lookout duty, and rotate every hour or so.

It honestly would've been better in this case if Alex hadn't asked the question at all. Then we wouldn't have gotten the stupid answer.
SapphireBlue
This could be made interesting if: Any actually was that old. So old in fact that he can't tell the difference between a few years and a couple of centuries. He's actually a God in Disguise or an Eldritch Abomination masquerading as a charming human youth, but not doing so well at it, so he's gotten into the habit of adventuring, so that he doesn't spend enough time in one place to get notice, and so that if people do notice, he can kill them and it will look like an accident...
vifetoile
Ha. "Now we are eight" is a The Magnificent Seven reference. Also, good to know that Scald, Tayo, and Olaf are fair-haired Aesir from the North, I guess.

I think one thing you're having a hard time keeping in mind is that Tropes Are Tools. A sword is considered the standard, most common weapon in this setting, and Alex is a Standardized Hero. It flows fairly naturally that he would have a sword - and that his would be special since he's The Hero. Besides, would you really like this book any more if Alex had an oak club or a pickaxe or something?
EponymousKid
Actually, yeah, I probably would, since it'd be at the very least a glimmer of originality.

I know that Tropes Are Tools, but imagine you were using your tools to build a birdhouse. If you wanted to learn how to build one, you'd look in a guidebook, and follow the "basic birdhouse" pattern to the letter. That'd be fine. But if you want that birdhouse to win a competition, following the book pattern exactly won't endear you to anyone because it is basic, unadorned, and nothing anyone's never seen before.

This book follows every template as to-the-letter as it gets, and without anything like unique (or even lively) characterization, fascinating worldbuilding, or well-crafted prose, there's nothing worth looking at except for the So Bad Its Good factor.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Eh, fair enough. Sorry, I'm a compulsive Devil's Advocate. Still, despite running straight into some of my pet peeves, I really do like this LB. Keep up the good work.
EponymousKid
Micro-Installment: Seeing Is Believing
You know, one of The Stanley Family books had multiple noticeable typos - although a good book, it had so many I wondered how they could be missed. It's not like they're published by a no-name publisher either.

But this is pretty in your face. I actually thought that was a paragraph break or something at first when I saw that pic.
BonsaiForest
I had to shrink it a little to make our image uploader accept it, but in the full size, the fact that that's a comma is pretty hard to miss.
FreezairForALimitedTime
I would say the guy has pretensions of being the next e.e. cummings, but I doubt he's talented enough for that.
lee4hmz

65.49.136.86
Pretty bad, but not the worst I've seen. In my copy of Starlight, a sci-fi novel of dubious quality I was reading, one of the pages had lines printed in the wrong order. I still can't piece it together. Thankfully, it wasn't anything important-just three chapters of watching an ice wall veeeeery slooooowly advance toward our heroes.
moseythepirate
Fallen Arches
"Swords? Sounds fine. Magic? That's cool. Horses? Wait, did you say HORSES??! But I've never ridden a horse!!"
BonsaiForest
This could be made interesting... if Arconn had wizards back in his family line, but he himself never had the gift, but he kept the book out of sentimental value, and his giving it to Alex (there are too many 'A' names) is his way of saying "I trust you enough to give you this item of great power and sentimental value, don't doodle in it, and it's symbolic of the fact that I consider you family."

But we won't go the interesting route, will we?
vifetoile
That would be interesting, even if a bit more Plug N Play Friends-y than usual. But this seems to be an "elves and dwarves are just inherently magical" universe. So even that feels odd.
FreezairForALimitedTime
HORSE!

Um, I mean, wow this book is bad amirite.
Idler20
So far, so good...I really like the "Here's the thing about fantasy" interludes, since they're interesting (especially to someone like me who hasn't read a lot of fantasy), and because I can't help but hear "Pizzicato Playtime" in my head when you're doing them. :D

Also, Alex/Andy/Sharee OT 3! omgtheirluvissocliche...
lee4hmz
Oh, great. Now that you mentioned it, I can't unhear it. I may even have to link that next time I do one. But it's nice to know I'm actually being educational! I've read a lot of fantasy, so I know the ins and outs of the genre pretty well. Enough to know the common pitfalls, too. :P
FreezairForALimitedTime
Bwahahahaha, I knew I'd spread that particular Ear Worm at some point tonight. :D

lee4hmz
Every time I read the elf's name, I see "Acorn." Fits with the nutty story.

"Story" is being too generous, because so far we're four chapters in and, like, even though there's a quest and characters and shopping, it feels like nothing has happened. It's "series of events" syndrome, where characters move and settings change but nothing interesting is going on. You're right about this needing conflict— even the dwarves and elf aren't fighting. What's the point?
Ronka87
Acorn and Pregnant. This is a promising team!
FreezairForALimitedTime
I Don't Think He's Happy to See You!
"Inferno!" (fire appears) "Quench!" (fire disappears) All while reaaally thinking about fire?

With a magic system like that, it sounds like it would be easy to cast spells by accident just by having a conversation about something you're thinking about.

And there goes a Compressed Vice: the fear of horses. "I'm afraid of horses!" "How could I have ever been afraid of horses?" The end.
BonsaiForest (edited by: BonsaiForest)
How does setting something on fire + putting out the fire = freezing it solid? That makes no sense!
Idler20
Well, this book's motto so far seems to be "It's magic. I don't have to explain it!", so your guess is as good as mine.
lee4hmz
Girl, I am disappoint about that troll not having a trollface. Also - it's certainlt possible a troll's legs aren't so touch. After all, they need three of them. Maybe not to the degree your drawing suggests, and I bet it's not mentioned in the book, but...

Bonsai: Let me try to justify it with fanon! The characters aren't speaking English, but the spells are English - and this takes place on distant future Earth!

...Of course, if I'm going that far to justify it I might as well just write my own novel.
EponymousKid (edited by: EponymousKid)
I can't draw trollface very well, which is ironic, considering it's already badly-drawn. Although it's the kind of badly-drawn you have to be a good artist to pull off.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Well, most people would copy and paste. I'm impressed that the idea appears to have not crossed your mind, by the by. Good job not taking the easy way out.
EponymousKid
Little Known Fact: The "var-gland" is right below the pituitary and releases hormones of pure eeeeeevil in fantasy populaces.

What's the point of a three legged troll, anyway? Other than... the obvious... joke...

Love the drawing, by the by.
Ronka87
Trololo
Explaining the birds and the bees to someone who should already know? Yeah, if you have to explain it to the readers, this isn't the place to do it. If you don't, why bother?

And the thing with the treasures turning to stone - so Gifford isn't the only author who has characters forget things they learned 2 pages ago! Or forget what he himself wrote several chapters ago (i.e. hiding inside the magic bag).
BonsaiForest (edited by: BonsaiForest)
I'm actually okay with the trolls molting like that. I can handle DND trolls having insane regeneration powers, and this isn't too far from that. Now if this story were making any effort to be realistic, it would be a different matter.
Myrmidon
Oh come on. Tolkien's trolls turned to stone in daylight, Discworld trolls are sentient rocks with silicon brains - why does this bother you so much?

Bonsai Forest: Hey, this is a fantasy setting. A very small number of people are expected to be educated in even the most basic of concepts. Besides, are there even sex ed classes (or compulsory schooling of any kind) in this world? Wouldn't your level of knowledge hinge entirely on the quality and degree of your parenting? I imagine most if not all of our party is illiterate. And not to put too fine a point on it, but I'm guessing Scald was either Raised By Wolves or has some learning disability and thus didn't know this stuff when he was Alex's age.

Sorry. I don't mean to sound like I think this is a good book, but you're finding the strangest stuff to complain about.
EponymousKid
Because it snaps my suspension of disbelief, is why. Turning to stone by daylight doesn't bother me, but the "split in two" thing does. Also, because it is never actually used to explain why the troll has three legs, or how it truly works—sort of a misapropriated Show Dont Tell.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Tiny Hamburgers or Bust!
...So, like, what's your secret? Why is your liveblog good and successful and mine neither of those things?
EponymousKid
I dunno. Maybe just practice. I did several L Bs of movies before this one, so I know how to pace myself. Also, I read a few chapters ahead of what I post.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Oh, well that's hardly "live", then, isn't it? But you're clearly doing something right, so who am I to judge?
EponymousKid
Well, basically, I read ahead and sort of take mental notes on things to point out. Then I skim while I'm posting an LB and both transcribe the full thing and point out the things I noted before.
FreezairForALimitedTime
The implied pedophilia and the munchie attacks are one thing, but I have a story to tell...there was this one time, in 1999, where some friends went to pick up some White Castle for a party we were having, and the clerk there allegedly said something like "Want some trees, man?" We all thought that was hilarious.

Oh yeah, and the "geeb" sounds like something The Management insisted should be there because "it tested well". :P
lee4hmz
Three-Legged Troll Goes Where?!
YAY I MADE IT THROUGH THE WHOLE THING SO FAR

The names for Shnookypoo the Love Mare just get funnier and funnier. And the implied threesome, the Ho Yay...is there something you want to say, dear author, or should we just continue giggling at you? (I vote for the latter, obviously.)

And I know it's a bit late for this, but: Iownam? Seriously? My tongue is currently hating that word with a passion, since I just can't seem to say it properly (I've been reading these out loud, because I'm weird I just like doing that). Then again, it's also nearly 3 AM here, and I'm kind of slurring my words anyway.
lee4hmz
I agree very much that something that's boring is much worse than something that's hilariously bad. I had the same problem with parts of Archie Reynolds. It was a lot more fun when it was interestingly bad, not dully bad.

Personally, I prefer the name Rothgar to Olaf. Both sound cheesy, but Olaf just makes me think of vikings. Rothgar sounds more "fantasy" to me. In fact, it's the only fantasy name I like so far. I don't care for the names Skeld (though his random behavior is hilarious) or Arconn or Iownam. But Rothgar sounds a lot better.
BonsaiForest
True. But according to Skeld, Bregnest is this world's equivalent of Scandanavian, so a Vikingy name like Olaf might just fit!

I actually don't mind Rothgar so much either, but it does sound very "fantasyish."
FreezairForALimitedTime
i promise you from the bottem heart
8-9 months is plenty of time to learn a whole new language and become fluent in Elfin. If Eragon can do it, why not Alex?
BonsaiForest
"I was told there'd be a promise! You lied to meeeee!"

At least we weren't told there'd be cake; we'd get shepherd's pie instead.
lee4hmz
Oh, and "Moon Slayer" totally sounds like a My Little Pony name. A bit on the dark side, sure, but it fits the pattern. :lol:
lee4hmz
I think this is why Lewis Carrol invented the word "vorpal"
YAY YOU USED MY SUGGESTION :D

Also, "plotstipation" is my new word of the day. I laughed out loud at that.

Also, for the hero's morals? Yeah, I wasn't expecting much from this already, but the author just keeps digging himself deeper, doesn't he?
lee4hmz
I actually used "plotstipation" in the previous installment, but hey. If it gets a laugh, no complaints here. :P

Put down the shovel, Author!
FreezairForALimitedTime
Too Smart For Strangers
I think that horrible drink Alex that chokes on might be the first non-good food in the story.

I'm thinking it would be funny if the old man actually is evil. If he is, we could say it's predictable and a "no duh" moment. If he isn't, then it's another example of this story being bland and straightforwardly boring. I guess it just can't win either way!
BonsaiForest
At least if COG turns out to be evil, it'll be a twist... sort of. If it's not considered a spoiler, there are actually three more chapters after the one called "Slathbog," so there's plenty of a chance for COG to show his true colors, if he has them!
FreezairForALimitedTime
Well we have to leave something for the sequels, obviously.
Myrmidon
Man, the Ho Yay keeps coming hard and fast in this novel! (And you can kill me for the Hurricane Of Puns later. :P)

I really don't have much else to add.
lee4hmz
Hints Only $35
How will a back door be useful? Does Slathbog have guards? Because if it's just the dragon, you're going to be fighting him either way.
Myrmidon
I think you're reaching when you mock the name "Eric von Tealo" when there are millions of people with far sillier names. Like my real name, Dillon Lowther. What is that, some Scottish ghost town? Not everybody can be named Joe Smith. That said, why you'd create a character in a fantasy setting with a perfectly realistic goofball name is beyond me.
EponymousKid
I just think the last name "von Tealo" is kind of silly. Or at least, the "Tealo" part. It puts me in mind of 50's slang.
FreezairForALimitedTime
By the way, I feel you should know that the eighteenth chapter of this book—as visible in the very Table of Contents itself—is called "The Wall."

Foreshadowing destroyed by the spoiler. Any book that has a table of contents runs into that risk.
BonsaiForest (edited by: BonsaiForest)
This is why it is important to think about your chapter titles.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Heh, 50s slang. I have "Zoot Suit Riot" (because I don't know any BBVD songs x.x) stuck in my head now.

And the author really, really didn't think this through enough, did he? In fact, I'm starting to wonder if he was just making up as he went along...
lee4hmz
Aaaaand looking at it now, I think "Eric von Tealo" could work just as well in a Smash Mouth song circa Fush Yu Mang. It just screams Raygun Gothic.
lee4hmz
Elfy Elfy Dwarf
Heigh Ho!!!!!!
Myrmidon
Now I'm imagining someone singing "dwarf dwarf dwarf dwarf" to the tune of the Meow Mix song. ARGH GET IT OUT GET IT OUT...

Also, yeah, the author likes to treat us like we're stupid when it comes to things like mithril and bags of holding, doesn't he? "Show Dont Tell, dude! I can't believe I'm having to play editor here!"
lee4hmz
I think a refresher course on what mithril and a bag of holding are isn't a bad idea, as long as it's very short. I didn't even know what mithril was, so a sentence or two would suffice. If it's reinventing them into a new form, then a long explanation would work.
BonsaiForest
I don't really think it's that necessary, personally. If you've never heard of mithril, then it's the story's job to make clear that it's something akin to the ultimate metal. The same with a bag of holding. Don't act like nobody's heard of it before, just use it in the story and let us read it.
EponymousKid
The problem is, the "long explanation" is what it does and it doesn't reinvent it. I have no problem with "refresher courses," as I stated waaaay back in Chapter 3, but one of the big problems here is that he treats the standard cliches like great revelations without truly bothering to put his own spin on them.
FreezairForALimitedTime
You might say he was... sacked. B) YEAAAAAAAAH!
Now I have this mental image of a dwarf on The Price Is Right jumping up and down shouting "ONE THOUSAND!" or some such at whoever's playing the pricing game. :D

Also, yeah, if I were Alex I'd want to share some of my wealth, too. This sort of enforced Gary Stu-ism would just rub me the wrong way.
lee4hmz
Oh god, now I can't unsee that, either. And I kind of love it.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Not That Nazgullible
Even Harry Potter stopped at "You lie!"
Cliche
I see that line and all I can think of is "Your STUPID minds! STUPID! STUPID!" Then again, considering this author is probably as far in over his head as Ed Wood was, it certainly seems to fit.
lee4hmz
I'm just going to leave this here.
Idler20
And now I'm looking at that line and thinking "YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, COLD VOICE!!!!!" Hehehehe.
lee4hmz
That's What I'm Tolkein About!
Bwahahaha, Shareeloveypoo's true form! I fell over laughing (well, sort of) at that. :D

And yeah, Calypso's advances would be a little creepy even as an adult...
lee4hmz
At least she's hitting on someone closer to emotionally mature then. :P
FreezairForALimitedTime

lee4hmz
Dragon and On and On (With Special Guest Star)
I am so looking forward to a Wicked/Grendel style prequel with Slathbog.
Myrmidon
Myr: YES. I Heartily approve of this.

I loved this page. O)ur first full-on "Combine Harvester" moment! Also, I've noticed that this book just went from a Cliche Storm to a Cliche Supertyphoon. Here's hoping it doesn't become a Cliche Big Red Spot.
lee4hmz
Dragon's Bane, the perfect thing to stop a dragon. Good thing Alex discovered it just in time, here in Chapter 17 - Name of Villain.

This is probably one of the biggest Ass Pulls in history.
BonsaiForest (edited by: BonsaiForest)
And it doesn't—even—stop—the—villain! It doesn't—even—stop him!

Also, Lee, I am legitmately LO Ling over here. You just made both the extreme weather fan and the astronomy geek in me squee.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Yaaaay! I figured you'd appreciate the joke, but I didn't know I'd make you squee. [waii]
lee4hmz
And on top of all this...YAY CORA! I hadn't read Always a Hero when I first went through the LB, so I remember being a little lost at this point, but I loved that scene this time around. XD
lee4hmz
Novels, everybody! The man reckons himself a novelist!
Yay, Pink Floyd references! Yay, Eternal Darkness! Boo, horrible writing!

I know I've probably referenced Linkara way too much in my comments so far, but I keep thinking about what he said in the Countdown To Final Crisis review. If I may paraphrase: "It's like the author is playing keep-away with us!" He actually seems like he can do pathos well, but then he has to blow it with the dreadful pacing (not to mention adding more plot holes).
lee4hmz
I would do anything for live(blogs), but I won't do that
"You like me! Right now! You like me!"

Okay, enough of that. Alex/Shahreepoo is still the best couple ever (by which I mean the creepiest), and YAY ONLY TWO MORE CHAPTERS LEFT.

And again, the author forgets what Show Dont Tell is. It probably would have been cool to see just how Techen transformed, but not this time!
lee4hmz
It has a "reading guide" in the back of the book? Wow. Like it's supposed to be "educational"?!

That's one hell of a chapter. I can imagine there are some people who'd probably like that, if they found the characters interesting. Like walking around in Earthbound after beating the game and talking to everyone, which was a cool idea. But still, a super long chapter to wrap it up? Like what does the author think this is, Lord Of The Rings?
BonsaiForest
The Earthbound epilogue was at least optional. But no, the "true" end is still hidden after all this stuff.

And I extend your skepticisms about the "reading guide" to Shadow Mountain (this book's publishing company) in general, as it seems to be en vouge for them to stick them at the end of every book they publish, and other books have started doing it, too.
FreezairForALimitedTime
This Too Shall Pass
Yeah, I kinda feel the same way. You'd think that after all the crap this author has put us through, he'd at least screw up the ending so we can snark on it better. What a gyp!

Oh well, Shahreepoo's in her stable, all's right with the world, I suppose. :D
lee4hmz
Learning to be a "real wizard" when he already is a perfectly fine one. Dwarfbeard must have low standards.

But what Mary Sue doesn't have low standards?
BonsaiForest
Things have happened in this book; I'm not saying they haven't. But it feels like nothing was achieved— it's just generic fantasy tropes happening in sequence, and then it ends. It might not end on a low note, but overall it's as unsatisfying as a salad at a steakhouse.

It's not a wallbanger book, more like a facepalmer. Like, "Author, how did you get published?"
Ronka87
At the very lest, if this can get published, I'm sure I can.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Bonus Material Part 1: The Reading Guide
Oh man, the reading guide. I didn't think this book could go from just plain mbad to smarmy and self-serving, but it somehow managed it! Good on you for hitting it with both barrels. :D

And I'm looking forward to the essays, myself. I enjoy picking things apart (whether they be computer programs, electronic gear or writing), so it should be interesting.
lee4hmz
<i>Nominate Slathbog's Gold for Book of the Year in your state</i>

Now that's brazen.

The questions in the reading guide are just sad. They sound really condescending, and also very generic, the sort of questions you could ask about practically any book. It's not like this book sounds like it hits on any important life themes or anything, and the guide is trying to make it sound like a big deal, like "you could apply this to your life!"

Looking forward to the essays!
BonsaiForest
Bonus Material 2: Liveblog Postmortem
Awesome. I see you took some inspiration from my liveblog! :P

So Adventurers Wanted doesn't even qualify for a "Why It's Still Awesome". From the sound of it, it just seems very boring. I'm not into fantasy all that much, so I don't have as much experience as you do in that field and therefore wouldn't recognize the sheer Cliche Storm. But the whole thing just sounded totally boring to me! A book I wouldn't even have fun laughing at!

The lack of personality really sounds like it kills Alex. I can handle characters with limited personality if their interactions are still believable and/or the plot is interesting. But neither is the case here! And I can handle an uninteresting or unlikeable main character if the supporting cast is good. But not even that is the case! I tend to agree with you - if at least one of these things was good - plot OR character, there could have been an enjoyable story, considering I was able to enjoy stories that did well in one but failed in the other. Hell, I also was able to enjoy stories that had both unrealistic characters and a flawed plot, that managed to be fun because they were at least interesting!

Glad you, the fantasy expert, read this and not me. It sounds so painfully bland!

Looking forward to seeing what you come up with to improve it in the next part.
BonsaiForest
I did warn you I would. :P But thanks for the ideas! I also wanted to include the book Otto And The Flying Twins, but didn't because at the time I was for some reason incapable of recalling the name of the author (though I remember now it's Charlotte Haptie). Think it's too late to edit it back in?

Honestly, I think Alex is the thing that really killed this story for me. A lot of my ideas for fixing it (which will come up sometime tomorrow, I think) revolve around giving him a personality infusion one way another. I also slice down the main cast and—but ah, I don't want to give it all away.

And sometimes, we fantasy lovers have to take one for the team. But hey, I'm glad to have done so. If I ever liveblog another book, maybe I should try branching out to another genre. The problem is, since my reference pool is mostly fantasy, I only know bad books in that genre! I don't know any horrible, say, adventure stories, or mysteries, or horror novels! Also, being that I'm most familiar with this genre, I know the whiffs of badness better than I do for other ones.

Ah well.
FreezairForALimitedTime
I'm not sure what else I can add to this except to say that you pretty much nailed it this time, too. The bits of dialogue you posted were so dry and lifeless that it wasn't a stretch to read them in Ben Stein's voice ("Bueller? Bueller?").

And to add to the whole cooking metaphor, it's not just that the cook didn't know how the ingredients went together, he didn't even know how to prep them properly, so they went into the mixing bowl shell and all (like that scene from Short Circuit where Number 5 is trying to make pancakes). So you get something that isn't just strange-tasting and oooey-gooey, it's also oddly crunchy and hurts going down.

Finally, I was totally thinking of Suudsu and Chocozuma's Revenge when I first read that part of the analysis. Tasty things that don't really go together, see. :D
lee4hmz
I edited my liveblog entries days after I originally put them up, to fix up mistakes (I showed it to people and realized some things could be written better), so there is no "too late" to edit it!

If Alex had a personality, he certainly would at least have reservations about going on the adventure, or maybe be naively gungho about it - either would resonate with some of the audience and make him human, and color his interactions with other people and perception of what happens, even if the plot elements themselves are cliche. You're very right that his lack of personality is what brings it down.
BonsaiForest
I totally made a cake kind of like that when I was a kid, Lee. Me and my friend Ashley. We put things like sprinkles and peach yogurt in it. Me? I don't know exactly what it was, but that cake grew two huge bubbly mounds right in the center. Being immature little kids, we said the cake had boobs.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Heh! It makes me wonder what this book ended up growing...nested Bags of Holding that You Cannot Grasp The True Form of? The mind boggles.

lee4hmz
Bonus Material 3: Fixing the Book
Honestly, the thing that baffles me the most about this is that it takes the concept of "adventurers for hire" in a Standard Fantasy Setting yet it isn't anything remotely approaching a comedy or parody, affectionate or otherwise.

I mean, come on! The very title implies "lol like how ur always adventurin in D&D" or something like that. Look at, say, the Penny Arcade D&D game (the Jim Darkmagic one), for instance. Or Skullkickers.

Maybe it's just me and the fact that I've been trying to write a novel about assassins, criminals, and mercenaries for hire for about a year now, but there's a potential for, if nothing new, then something that comments on the formula in an entertaining fashion.
EponymousKid
And so it ends. I like what you did with this, and I really like how you turned Alex into an egotistical bastard. And the female dwarf is a nice touch.

But most of all, this version sounds like it'd have actual emotional pull instead of just sitting there, and I noticed I actually cared about the characters instead of just thinking "the author is in way over his head, isn't he?"

Oh, and actually macking on Creepy Girl instead of her just being creepy. YAY!
lee4hmz
Needs to have more open Alex/pony love.
SKJAM
SKJAM: Yes, it does. Author, I am disappoint.
lee4hmz
More seriously, and then at the very end, Alex realizing why his stgepbro has been acting out—can't be easy living with The Ace.
SKJAM
I like your plot, especially The Reveal that Alex is the demons— I mean, the fire. It ties in nicely with the "your father wuz a wizard adventurer, Harry!" bit from the original.

Great job on the liveblog, Freezair! Very enjoyable, especially the "how to make it better" bit. Thumbs way way up!
Ronka87
Thank you, Miss Ronka!
FreezairForALimitedTime
This whole liveblog was really fun to read. Thank you!
AmyJade
Thank you, miss. :D I'm glad to see someone found it anew. I didn't want to bump it for the sake of bumping it, but there's a couple errors in this I wanted to fix, and editing an installment bumps it.
FreezairForALimitedTime
Well done on this. Also: write this book, now.

Just out of interest, would you have any interest in liveblogging The Horn of Moran?
YonTroper
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