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05/22/2019 23:17:17 •••

Assassins Creed 2016 is the Worst Movie Ever, and Anyone Who Tells You Otherwise is Wrong

By the time I finished watching Assassin's Creed I was so bored and tired I ended up nodding off during the next movie in my schedule, Gun City. So now I have vague memories of mustachioed gangsters punching union workers but no goddamn context as to why, and now all the important bits have been spoiled. I've seen plenty of bad films in my time, but managing to make other, unrelated films worse is a unique achievement.

What makes Creed so bad is the casting. The movie combines Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard, two talented and overqualified actors, with Jeremy Irons, who survives on a steady diet of sci-fi/fantasy movie scenery. Any one of these actors could have transformed the movie if they put in the slightest bit of effort, but they're all working at 10%, looking absolutely bored stiff with the script they've been given.

What makes Creed so bad is the cinematography. This film has exactly two colours; grey and brown. The story takes place either in an entirely concrete secret base owned by a futuristic Illuminati type organisation, or in a perpetually dusty medieval Andalusia. The games prided themselves on giving sweeping vistas and beautiful architecture, but the movie represents the same sort of locations with unconvincing, dingy panoramas. Worse still, the movie seems weirdly proud of these ugly creations, sweeping the camera past a murky CGI skyline with bombastic music and screeching eagles - lots of screeching eagles.

What makes Creed so bad is the story. Fassbender is a prisoner of a shady society who want world power to ensure "security", and trying to stop them is the Assassins, who prefer everyone killing each other all the time in the name of "freedom". Considering how many people Fassbender butchers and orphans, I can't help but sympathise with the bad guys who just need everyone to stop this nonsense for a bit. At no point are you given a reason to care for Fassbender, his cause, or any of the other characters.

What makes Creed so bad is the action. Fassbender's assassin protagonist annihilates scores of faceless soldiers whilst galloping across endless CGI scenery. He can free run across the roof of a cathedral, as nimble as a cat, and he still is somehow caught out by yet another gang of soldiers who have magically found their own path to cut him off. In that respect I suppose its a completely faithful recreation of the games, though it turns out to be far more boring to watch than to play.

05/22/2019 00:00:00

I think you\'re just feeding the beast by writing this review.

...

God, the dialogue in this film was so bad.


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