All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

Mahora students. Which would generally not be a surprise on the Mahora campus, but at this hour there shouldn't have been so many out. Nor should so many have been club champions, nor of such grim or wrathful mien, nor all headed straight for me.

“Okay,” said Torako once a goodly number had gathered. “Would anyone like to explain why we are suddenly reenacting Zekado's Children?”

“I have been summoned,” said Kitsu, “and I assume this applies to the others, by a text claiming that I could find proof that our beloved local detective and her lackey were behind the recent attacks if I came here.”

“And here it is!” crowed Sunada, hefting an old-fashioned dictation machine aloft. “I managed to record them talking before they caught me, listen.”

When she hit play, it produced a fairly good imitation of Torako saying, “You're certain this next one will cement our hold on the school?”

“Oh yes,” another voice, which I assumed resembled how I sound to other people, agreed. “They'll flock to our office in terror afte- What's that?” At this point the recording cut off.

“You see?” cried Sunada. “This outsider in our midst has been attacking innocent students to try and create a climate of fear in which she'll thrive, but now she's been found out.” Her smirk may have been the single most punchable expression I've seen off the face of Governor-General Godel.

The crowd was getting ugly, an impressive feat from Mahora's unusually photogenic student body. “Am I not to be allowed a chance to defend myself?” I asked. There was a general subsiding among the mob that I took for assent, but it looked less than inclined to actually listen to anything I had to say. Better surprise it, then. “Let me prove my innocence with the truth of battle!”

Yep, that surprised the assemblage. Even Torako simply dropped her captive, and she should be used to my ways by now. “Are you seriously offering to prove you didn't beat up a couple people by beating up a person in front of us?” asked Kitsu, who seemed to have been designated unofficial mob spokesperson.

“Of course not,” I replied. “I'm proposing to duel a champion of your choosing to help make my case. If after I've presented my defense you still don't believe me, you're free to engage in vigilante justice as normal. All that changes is that one of you gets a chance to attack me before the rest.”

I doubt there were any present who didn't realize there was a trick. There had to be a trick. People didn't say the sort of things that I just had without there being a trick. But what were they supposed to do about it? They couldn't simply deny me what sounded like a reasonable request on the grounds that they were pretty sure that I was doing something unspecified but underhanded. Not and still feel like the good guys. So the assemblage spent some time futilely attempting to discern what I was playing at, and some more time selecting Shirogami as their champion, and yet more time after that girding her in the finest accoutrements they could provide. All the while, I was leaning against the wall, drinking my For Getting Serious potion and preparing to cast a single spell.

At last, they deemed their chosen ready. I felt a sudden burst of school pride as I beheld Shirogami standing there before me. She had talismans to protect her from magic, engineering club gear to keep her safe from electricity, and she'd even let herself be injected with some mysterious glowing fluid, the brave girl. It was almost a shame how badly I was about to trounce her.

“Any last words?” she asked as Kitsu declared battle joined.

“Can you hear me?” I returned.

“Of course.”

“Your mistake,” I said, and slammed my staff into the ground. The spell I cast was technically the thunderclap trick I used to get people's attention. After I'd pumped all the juice my potion and native form could provide into into boosting its power and focusing it where Shirogami was standing, it bore as much resemblance to its normal form as a flamethrower does a lighter. That wasn't a battlefield trick, not unless I found a battlefield where I was going to have plenty of time unmolested to focus my energies on hitting an enemy located at a spot known to me from when I started focusing and without any allies who could take advantage of my mana-depleted state afterwards. Which, what do you know, were just the circumstances that had been provided.

Shirogami's talismans didn't protect her against the perfectly mundane, albeit magically generated, noise. None of her armament did. Anything that could have defended her against that blast of sound greater than the inner ear was meant to withstand would have prevented her from hearing me. Shirogami collapsed to her hands and knees, vomiting from the vertigo. Sonic weaponry may be less lethal than most conventional alternatives, but it's no picnic being on the receiving end.

It had been the usual sort of day. Nekane had decided that shopping was in order, and tried to drag me along. I grabbed both SCM and Megadark with the reassurance to Nekane that they needed to be out of the house anyway. The fresh air would do them both good.

Magey needed to be out of the house if only to be away from a cranky Anemoi, who was repairing something that Magey had broke/blown up/whatever. I only knew it involved the sink in the bathroom nearest Magey's bedroom. Full details would be something I would likely hear about after the repairs were completed, especially if Magey had indeed done something that annoyed Anemoi.

Mega had been in the kitchen when I grabbed him and promised him decent food instead of whatever he had been about to eat. That was at least enough to encourage him to tag along.

I just wanted people along to help thwart Nekane's tendency to start grabbing clothing from department stories and “encouraging” us to try them on, “just to see what it looks like on you.” Just because a truce had been declared after the incident in which both Nekane and myself had been made over didn't seem to stop Nekane from doing such against lone targets. I had learned quickly that being by myself on a shopping run with Nekane resulted in being dragged into random department stores. Since Marq, Magey, and Nobody had also grumbled about it happening to them, I decided to increase the numbers on my side.

We arrived at the shopping mall and wandered towards Nekane's store of choice. However, Magey happened to see something in the window of the electronics store that he had to check on. Mega and I followed to make sure he stayed out of trouble, while Nekane took a seat on a nearby bench and brought out a book to read.

Apparently we spent too much time in there, judging by the number of pages from Nekane's bookmark to where she had been reading when we came out, all but dragging SCM behind me. “Sorry Nekane. Someone asked the salesman too many questions for him to answer easily.”

“It's not my fault that he didn't know the difference... Gah!” Magey jumped back as he turned to face Nekane.

That earned him three curious looks as he peered at Nekane's book, “Evil!”

I peered at the book then, “It's only Anne Rice. Calm down will you?”

“It is still evil,” Magey insisted.

“Oh please. The only thing really awful about the Anne Rice vampire novels is that they are too full of angst.” I sat by Nekane as I continued, “You never saw Dracula complaining about his existence in the Bram Stoker book after all.”

“Angst?”

I nodded at Nekane, “Oh yes. I think she was trying to make vampires more sympathetic, but it falls flat for me.” I went into Full Ham mode as I grasped Nekane by the shoulders, peered into her eyes, and said, “I'm a beast that must feed on the blood of others. Oh woe is me. If there were any other way to survive, I would not hesitate to do so. But alas,” I placed my hand on my head in dramatic fashion, “I am a cursed being, forever to never have friends, to never feel the warmth of the sun, to never acquire the acting skills of William Shatner or Rowan Atkinson.”

Magey rolled his eyes while Nekane giggled. I glared at him, “Don't give me that look. You know as well as I do that the Hammer films made Dracula the romantic figure he gets portrayed to be. All of those Brides wearing the not-quite-see-through cloth, whatever that was, standing around and following his every word. Seriously, those movies make him look like an undead Cassanova. Being bitten is almost a sexual thrill. Anne Rice merely added to that. Dracula created Brides. Anne Rice's vampires create angsty undead, too worried about their own existence to be taken seriously. The only way it could be taken less seriously would be if someone wrote a story about a vampire otaku.”

“A what?” Megadark asked.

I went into Full Ham mode again as I turned to Nekane, “Oh! You very kawii! I imagine you in Catgirl Maido. Let me make cosplay bride of you. Omnomnom.” I pretended to bite at Nekane's neck as she started to beat me with her book.

Nekane blinked. "You... have an Evangeline shrine?"

Uber snapped his fingers. "Oh, right, I'd almost forgotten about that. He's obsessed with Evangeline. Yes, that Evangeline."

At Nekane's disbelieving look, SCM shrugged defensively. "What? Some people join Scientology, others become lawyers, I admire the Apostle of Destruction In The Form Of A Child. There's no stigma to it!"

"Only because most people consider it insane or go full vampire after they do so," Megadark said dryly.

Nekane still seemed to be trying to process the revelation. "W-what could you possibly admire about the Dark Evangel?" she asked disbelievingly.

"She's got great legs," SCM said promptly. "Cute ass. Can really pull off wearing a frilly dress. Good taste in umbrellas. Plus she has a robot maid."

Nekane blinked. "A... robot maid?" she said faintly.

"Don't you know? all great vampires have robot servants. Dracula even has a moon base." SCM frowned thoughtfully. "I wonder if she sneezed just now while I was talking about her?"

"Doubtful," Uber said dismissively. "This isn't one of your sneeze happy fics. This is real life."

"Magic, vampires, demons and all?" SCM said flatly.

"..." Uber said. "My point still stands!"

In Japan, Evangeline, indeed, had sneezed.

It had been the usual sort of day. Nekane had decided that shopping was in order, and tried to drag me along. I grabbed both SCM and Megadark with the reassurance to Nekane that they needed to be out of the house anyway. The fresh air would do them both good.

Magey needed to be out of the house if only to be away from a cranky Anemoi, who was repairing something that Magey had broke/blown up/whatever. I only knew it involved the sink in the bathroom nearest Magey's bedroom. Full details would be something I would likely hear about after the repairs were completed, especially if Magey had indeed done something that annoyed Anemoi.

Mega had been in the kitchen when I grabbed him and promised him decent food instead of whatever he had been about to eat. That was at least enough to encourage him to tag along.

I just wanted people along to help thwart Nekane's tendency to start grabbing clothing from department stories and “encouraging” us to try them on, “just to see what it looks like on you.” Just because a truce had been declared after the incident in which both Nekane and myself had been made over didn't seem to stop Nekane from doing such against lone targets. I had learned quickly that being by myself on a shopping run with Nekane resulted in being dragged into random department stores. Since Marq, Magey, and Nobody had also grumbled about it happening to them, I decided to increase the numbers on my side.

We arrived at the shopping mall and wandered towards Nekane's store of choice. However, Magey happened to see something in the window of the electronics store that he had to check on. Mega and I followed to make sure he stayed out of trouble, while Nekane took a seat on a nearby bench and brought out a book to read.

Apparently we spent too much time in there, judging by the number of pages from Nekane's bookmark to where she had been reading when we came out, all but dragging SCM behind me. “Sorry Nekane. Someone asked the salesman too many questions for him to answer easily.”

“It's not my fault that he didn't know the difference... Gah!” Magey jumped back as he turned to face Nekane.

That earned him three curious looks as he peered at Nekane's book, “Evil!”

I peered at the book then, “It's only Anne Rice. Calm down will you?”

“It is still evil,” Magey insisted.

“Oh please. The only thing really awful about the Anne Rice vampire novels is that they are too full of angst.” I sat by Nekane as I continued, “You never saw Dracula complaining about his existence in the Bram Stoker book after all.”

“Angst?”

I nodded at Nekane, “Oh yes. I think she was trying to make vampires more sympathetic, but it falls flat for me.” I went into Full Ham mode as I grasped Nekane by the shoulders, peered into her eyes, and said, “I'm a beast that must feed on the blood of others. Oh woe is me. If there were any other way to survive, I would not hesitate to do so. But alas,” I placed my hand on my head in dramatic fashion, “I am a cursed being, forever to never have friends, to never feel the warmth of the sun, to never acquire the acting skills of William Shatner or Rowan Atkinson.”

Magey rolled his eyes while Nekane giggled. I glared at him, “Don't give me that look. You know as well as I do that the Hammer films made Dracula the romantic figure he gets portrayed to be. All of those Brides wearing the not-quite-see-through cloth, whatever that was, standing around and following his every word. Seriously, those movies make him look like an undead Cassanova. Being bitten is almost a sexual thrill. Anne Rice merely added to that. Dracula created Brides. Anne Rice's vampires create angsty undead, too worried about their own existence to be taken seriously. The only way it could be taken less seriously would be if someone wrote a story about a vampire otaku.”

“A what?” Megadark asked.

I went into Full Ham mode again as I turned to Nekane, “Oh! You very kawii! I imagine you in Catgirl Maido. Let me make cosplay bride of you. Omnomnom.” I pretended to bite at Nekane's neck as she started to beat me with her book.

"Vampire Otaku?" SCM said. "Is that some kind of crack about my Evangeline shrine?"

Nekane paused in pummeling me to blink at SCM. "You... have an Evangeline shrine?"

I snapped my fingers, "Oh, right, I'd almost forgotten about that. He's obsessed with Evangeline. Yes, that Evangeline." Then I realized something, “Wait, you have a shrine?”

At Nekane's disbelieving look, SCM shrugged defensively. "What? Some people join Scientology, others become lawyers, I admire the Apostle of Destruction In The Form Of A Child. There's no stigma to it!"

"Only because most people consider it insane or go full vampire after they do so, " Megadark said dryly.

Nekane still seemed to be trying to process the revelation. "W-what could you possibly admire about the Dark Evangel?" she asked disbelievingly.

"She's got great legs, " SCM said promptly. "Cute ass. Can really pull off wearing a frilly dress. Good taste in umbrellas. Plus she has a robot maid."

Nekane blinked. "A... robot maid?" she said faintly.

"Don't you know? All great vampires have robot servants. Dracula even has a moon base." SCM frowned thoughtfully, "I wonder if she sneezed just now while I was talking about her?"

"Doubtful," I said, waiting to bring up the issue that Chachamaru hadn't been built just yet until later. "This isn't one of your sneeze happy fics. This is real life."

"Magic, vampires, demons and all?" SCM said flatly.

I debated the issue internally for a full second before replying, "My point still stands!"

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In Japan, Evangeline, indeed, had sneezed.