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Mr. Burns: Who's that man on pink shirt?
Smithers: That Mr. Simpson, my boss.
Mr. Burns: This man get fired.
Episode 1

Lissa: I don't eat the pig!
Marge: Here is some cold soup instead of the animal!
Episode 1

Live from Springfield News. Bullies and people are not learning the environment, because of Principal Skinner is the head of the school. Live at news Hommer has caused the issue at the nuclear plant with Mr. Burns as his boss.
Kunt Brockman, Episode 1

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D'oh! Maggie is dead of slept!
Hommer:, Episode 1

Hommer, your little girl is in heaven because you have done so much wrong.
ManMole:, Episode 2

D'ooooooohhhhhhhh. Oooooooowwwwwwww. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ohhhh. They will never catch me now.
Hommmer as he mutilates himself in the bathroom, Episode 2

Bart, you are crying in the purse mart when it should be the happiest time of your life.
ManMole:, Episode 2

Hommer, I can't hold it in!
Bart Simpson:, Episode 2

Marge: Hommie, let's snuggle.
(Hommer blows on Marge's armpit. Marge moans)
Episode 2

Live from news. Hommer has been trialed for the crimes in Springfield court of law. In other news, today is the commemoration of Apu's death.
Kunt Brockman:, Episode 3

Rev. Lovejoy: Hommer, is it true that the baby Simpson dead in your house?
Hommer: Yes.
Rev. Lovejoy: Hommer, the baby is dead in your frame?
Hommer: No, she is with God now.
Judge: I sentence Hommer Simpson to 18 years of hard labour for the murder of a child Simpson.
Episode 3

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There's no jail worse than the jail that is my guilt.
Hommer:, Episode 3

ManMole: Hommer, I am given you a new identity and you will be safe. You will go home and your name is Mr. Thompson. When I say "Hello, Mr. Thompson", you say "Hello". Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Hommer: Hello.
Episode 3

Hi, I'm Troy McLarry! Going to drink this beer! (takes a sip, vomits) This is some bog! You need a Doif!
Troy McLarry in a Doif commercial, Episode 3

Bart Simpson boards the school bus; William Van Houten is behind the wheel
William Van Houten: Welcome to the bus, Bart Simpson.
Bart Simpson: Hello, William.
William Van Houten: (haltingly) Get on the bus right now or else. It's time to drive to school to do it for ourselves.
Episode 3

Look, the beer on my shop is the one you have the drink! Thank you very much!
Mo:, Episode 3

Advertisement:
Today in...sex education...you have two babies and...the children you must procreate...with the penis...and the girl-hole. Buuut...you can't do this until you're 23. I'm warning you kids: bad, bad things happen when this is done. Oils and icky oozing and birth of babies...I'm telling you this to save you from sex! To demonstrate, I will peel an orange.
Ned Flinders, Episode 3

Hommer: Do you have the Doif, Mo?
Mo: (over phone) Hommer, there is no more Doif. You can't drink the Doif in this town now.
Hommer: I will not be stopped.
Episode 3

Now Maggie will play with the unborn Simpson in heaven.
Hommer:, Episode 3

(Principal Skinner has red eyes and the word VIETNAM written on his forehead)
I'm not going back there! Don't even fucking try! Armin Tamzarian! (Gouges Mrs. Skinners eyes) Armin Tamzarian...
Principal Skinner under the influence of Armin Tamzarian, Episode 3

Um, hello. Please. This show will harrass you with scares. If your children are watching, please put them in a bed and clear the airway. Enjoy the show.
Marge:, Episode 4

(singing) Lissa, stop getting old. It's your birthday. You should stay a young girl.
Bart Simpson:, Episode 4

When Stuart first met the bird from Stuart Little 2, he started to notice some changes in his body. Acne, lower voice, and an urge to put himself in the bird. He asked the bird about this and it expressed similar feelings. So, with permission from the dad Hugh, he experimented with feathered friend in the sex. It was very distressing, uncomfortable experience. Stuart cried and bled.
Narrator of Stuart Little's Guide To You Know What, Episode 4

Carl: Hi, my boss.
Mr. Burns: Uh, the beard, Carl. Explain.
Carl: Beard?
Mr. Burns: You come in here cowabunga dude?! Not in this workplace! Beards are not the company policy!
Carl: I don't have a beard.
Mr. Burns: (stares at Carl, his eyes flickering red)
Carl: (robotic) Very well sir.
Episode 4

Quietly...and with dignity
Carl as he shaves off his lips, Episode 4

Little boy Hommer,
Sit right here
Sit next to the fire
Mountains so cold
Hommer my boy
You're here with your dad
I love you, small Simpsons child
You're homely as a mule's butt.
The old Simpson sings a Homm Grumm lullaby, Episode 4

Lenny: Springfield, Springfield, he's a hell of a cat! Springfield, Springfield!
Springfield: Garfield is that-a-way, man
Lenny: Thanks, kid!
Narrator: Lenny's job he was given for having a lovely purse. His purse is so full because he's a rich guy now. Now he is the actor of Jon with Cat Springfield.
Lenny: Uh, Springfield, why do you hate Mondays and lasagna?
Springfield: Lenny, there are things that have to be said, but not now because I'm eating the lasagna, dammit.
Lenny: God damn it how Springfield hates normal!
Springfield: Jon, you're Breckin Meyer heart.
Lenny: God damn it Springfield hates normal! My name's Lenny, thanks for watching this show!
Episode 4

Bingo! It's our man, diddle-doo!
Ned Flinders, episode 4

Ned Flinders: Howdy, Mr. Plow!
Durf: It's Durf.
Ned Flinders: Durf, we need the snow plowed.
Durf: What?
Ned Flinders: Please plow all this snow.
Durf: I'm here to plow chicks, not snow.
(Durf drives away)
Ned Flinders: (looking out window) Can't you see the snow, Durf? (exterior shot of the house reveals that there is not a flake of snow on the ground) Please tell me you can see the snow.
Episode 4

Hommer: Are you the one they call Armin Tamzarian?
Armin Tamzarian: (looks exactly like Hommer at the end of Episode 1, with red eyes, "VIETNAM" written on his forehead, and "MAGGIE" on his chest). I am.
Hommer: What do you want with me?
Armin Tamzarian: I am the guilt that surfaced after what you did to her.
Hommer: I did it. I killed them all.
Episode 4

(Hommer sees a still-living Maggie in her crib)
Hommer: (tearful} My baby...
ManMole: You have a choice, Hommer: kill yourself or kill Maggie.
Armin Tamzarian: Kill Maggie! Kill the baby! Armin Tamzarian!
ManMole: Do the right thing, Hommer. (holds up wrench) Kill yourself with this tool. Die for Springfield, Hommer.
Episode 4

Thanks for the framed baby Simpson, Hommer. I hung it on me wall!
Ringo Starr, Episode 4

My name is Hommer Simpson. I am fifty-six years old. Marge Bivilac will be my girl in marriage, my teenage bride. Gonna fuck her later.
Hommer, episode 6.

Hommer: Ohhh...not now...not now.
Rev. Lovejoy: You wanna get married? You take her in the bride's name. You two are in love and will (he is distracted by something)...oh my...
(Hommer has a visible erection)
Hommer: D'oh, bonner, not now. Have it later.
(The wedding guests gasp)
The old Simpson: Ay carumba!
Rev. Lovejoy: Take a cold shower, dude.
Auto: Dick is tiny, man.
Marge: (crying) How could you, Hommer? I'm so ashamed!
Hommer: Here we go again!.
Episode 6

Carl: Who gives Crimby the purse money?
Mr. Burns and Smithers: Who is the Stonecutters today?
Carl, Burns, Smithers and Lenny: We do!
Lenny: (a la Apu in Who Needs The Kwik-E-Mart) IIII doooooooooooooo!
Episode 6

Killed my husband, cut off his lips, weird things will happen, crazy people everywhere! famine! disease! murder! all the beautiful children gone! for what!? profit! greed! get out of Springfield Bart! and never drink the town water! Drink a Doif instead!
The Cat Woman, Episode 6

So you see the number...you want some crackers, Hommer? You know where to go. Hommer. Turn up at the cracker factory. Bazinga!
Voice on phone, Episode 6

Barney: Old man on the TV in my dream. He speaks to me and I feel so scared, guys. I can't live like this any longer.
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I dunno, something about being gay. Gaaaayyyyy...
Episode 6

Wendell: I'm a cracker to be. I'm a cracker to be. And I'm hoping that they'll utilize me.
Troy McLarry: Ha ha! There's a lot of children who have got too much freedom,
I want to make it legal for Stonecutters to eat them!
'Cause there's limits to morality!
And I'll make Hommer pay!
If he fights back,
(demonic) I'LL KILL HIS MAGGIE!
Because, you see, eating a child is a lot like a successful marriage.
Off camera voice: Just eat the damn children! (applause; video fades)
Hommer: Marge was a cracker factory. Bart and Lissa as white as Stuart.
Episode 6

Kunt Brockman: Live from news. Hippies who smell have stolen some plans, and Burns says "Get some deodorant". Burns will stop at nothing to stop thugs. This reporter's opinion? (pause) And now here's Artie Pie in the sky with the weather.
Artie Pie: Well, Kunt, it looks like —
Kunt Brockman: (interrupting) WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
The old Simpson: And that's why footballers deserve their salaries!
Episode 6

Hommer. The plant is sick. Your mama is gonna die. You could wake up dead tomorrow, Hommer. Nuuuuclleaarr pooooweeerrr....
ManMole, Episode 6

Hommer: What are you doing?
The old Simpson: We're going Homm Grumm!
Hommer: Where's mom?
(a beat)
The old Simpson: Curiousity killed Scratchy, son.
Episode 6

Lessons teaching his little boy to drive. Hommer, you're the mule and twice if a stranger wants to drive, I say let them!
The old Simpson, Episode 6

My name is Herb H. Simpson. The H stands for Hans in case you wanted to know. We live at 742 Evergreen Terrance, right here in the Bonerland suburbs. My wife Selma and I have 3 kids. Elisa grew up to be a columnist for the Reader's Digest, Lester became a Silicon Valley entrepreneur and Magaggie will grow up to be anything she dreams of and no harm will come to them. This is the way things should've been all along, innocence preserved, nothing in the world to fear. I feel strange in this house. Happy, but strange. Everything feels familiar, but looks completely new and the town doesn't smell like burning tires anymore. Leaving the house would be a bad idea...there's something out there I don't wanna see. I have a good heart. I know I will be a good father again. I only wish that crying would stop
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