Funny / Brian Regan

• Him talking about how he wishes he was one of the astronauts who had been on the moon, so he could beat any story anyone brought up at dinner parties.
  Brian: You know, you mentioned driving on the Autobahn, that reminded me. Once I was driving in the Sea of Tranquility. (eats a chip) In my lunar rover. And I, too, was worried about our speed until I remembered, wait, we're the only ones on the moon!
• His describing jury duty as like a game show where people try to get out of jury duty.
• His entire "Stupid In School" bit.
• Brian talks about how he admires flight attendants for being able to put up with people trying to fit items way too big into the overhead compartments. Then he describes how he would be at this job.
  Brian: I would last about 8 seconds at that job, I'd just get up there- Does that look like it's gonna fit?! You have this much room, you have a dead yak!
  • Then he talks about how impatient everyone is to get on board a plane, and he thinks that what the attendants say on the intercom comes out like:
    Attendant: Everybody up, and rush the door. Everyone, immediately try to squish your fat butts simultaneously in the small gate door area. Hurry, push and shove everyone, push and shove. Do whatever you have to do to get on board! THIS IS THE LAST HELICOPTER OUT OF VIETNAM!
• While struggling to get a UPS truck sent to his house to pick up some packages and repeatedly calling them: "Yeah, uh, I have, uh, ten boxes, and- ... N-no, I'm another guy."