Chapter 15 - Archie takes forever to recognize the obvious

The next morning after he finished his paper route, Archie made an appointment with a professional jeweler to have some of the treasure examined, to verify its authenticity and value. The appointment was for three o'clock in the afternoon, the earliest one he could get that day.

I'm sure the jeweler will think there's nothing suspicious about a twelve-year-old boy with a bunch of bags' worth of jewels suddenly showing up to get them appraised. It's not like he'll assume that they're all stolen, and maybe call the police or something.

In the meantime, he planned to work on solving another, lesser problem - trying to find his valuable wristwatch, which he had somehow frustratingly lost the day before.

How come this is the first time we've ever heard about this wristwatch? Why did it never exist before now?

Lemme guess... it's gonna serve some plot purpose, right?

He thought about his activities and whereabouts the previous day. Then he remembered he had taken the watch off yesterday in the main tunnel, just before he and the boys began digging for the box.

Aha! So he "lost" his suddenly existing wristwatch in the tunnels, around where the boxes were located. And so this is the author's transparent excuse to bring Archie back there for some reason.

"That's it! That's where I left it!" he said to himself. "I left it in that tunnel, behind the wooden crate."

Who is this book written for? Kindergarteners? This dialog is totally inane, repetitive, and merely restates the obvious.

Archie calls Billyhank about the three o'clock jewelry appointment, and he agrees. Then Archie asks him to come along back to the tunnel to serve as a lookout for neighbors, at which point Billyhank unexpectedly splits into two characters. Hank says his ankle is too injured from yesterday, while Billy agrees to come along. Finally, something to separate the two, even if it has nothing to do with personality.

Billy says he'll come at 1:30 PM because he has chores to do. Two sentences later, it's 1:30 PM, and Billy shows up. But before the two have a chance to leave Archie's house, they see police cars pull up in front of Amanda's house.

Two of them were unmarked police cars, indicating that police detectives had been called to the scene.

I honestly wonder if that detail is accurate. If so, then that, and the tunnel construction, are the only two things in this entire book that the author has any knowledge or understanding of whatsoever.

Amanda's mom comes to the front porch, crying, and shows the police a note. The police then enter her house with her.

It turns out that Amanda's family had been robbed by the gang of jewel thieves in the area, who have now kidnapped Amanda.

Gee, I wonder who the jewel thieves are, and where they might have taken Amanda? Maybe Archie will find out on the way to retrieve his missing wristwatch.

"Wow! This is hard to believe!" Billy said. "Amanda Dawson, kidnapped! That's incredible!"

"Sure is!" Archie said. "And it happened only two doors away from me! That's something! Don't know if I feel safe around here anymore!"

And they go from talking like kindergarteners to talking like an elderly couple. Wow.

Soon afterwards, Archie and Billy head back to the tunnels so Archie can get to the pressing business of retrieving his wristwatch that spawned into existence this chapter. Archie tells Billy to stay behind and "just stay hid behind a bush" - exact typo. And to put the slate over the hole if he spots trouble, so if Archie spots the slate, he'll know to wait before coming up. This doesn't explain what Billy should do if, say, it takes longer than a few minutes before it's safe to come up. Or if he spots trouble but it would take too long to put the slate back over the hole, or it would be unsafe to do so. But whatever.

Archie then climbed down the metal ladder, flashlight in hand. Once down inside the main tunnel, he made his way quickly toward the end of it, where the three wooden crates were located. Upon nearing the crates, however, he suddenly began hearing a noise, a kind of humming noise.

"Ummm-Ummm-Ummm!"

Who could be humming down here, in the dark with all the crates?

This happens at the bottom of page 117. Remember that for later.

The noise sounded like a sort of muffled moan to him. It scared him. He froze for a few seconds, in fear. Then he inched a little closer, shining his flashlight all around. But he saw no one there.

Okay, considering Archie just learned about Amanda's kidnapping by the jewel thieves a few minutes ago and even made a big deal about it, he'd have to be a colossal fucking idiot to not be able to figure out the obvious.

Seriously, the clues are all here:

There are jewel thieves in the area who have been mentioned repeatedly in the news, and Archie is aware of that.
The kids overheard adults talking overhead while they were down in the tunnels. (The book mentioned that the voices were muffled and the kids couldn't make out what was being said, but the very presence of people in this area is still an obvious hint)
The kids found jewels inside the tunnels.
Someone had to have built those tunnels. Archie even notices evidence that they were built recently and appeared to be still maintained.
Amanda was just kidnapped.
Archie is in the tunnel where the jewels were found, and is hearing what sounds like a "muffled moan".

Only an idiot wouldn't be able to figure out what had happened here.

Let's see how long it takes Archie to figure it out.

"What the heck was that?" he mumbled to himself.

I don't know, Archie. Amanda was kidnapped earlier in the day by jewel thieves, and you're down in their hideout where they kept their jewels. I can't figure it out.

He paused for a few seconds and listened once more, continuing to shine his flashlight all around. Then he heard the muffled moan again, then again and again.

"Ummm-Ummm-Ummm! Ummm-Ummm-Ummm! Ummm-Ummm-Ummm!"

Is that the sound of someone eating? Maybe the sound of someone who wants to say something, but is uncertain about what they want to say?

Immediately, he now determined the moan was coming from one of the nearby crates. It was the large rectangular crate, with the golf ball-sized holes all around it. The moan coming out of it sounded like it might be a human moan, so he figured there might be somebody inside the crate. Consequently, he got right next to it and shined his flashlight directly on it, trying to see inside one of the holes. Right then, the crate began to shake violently, and the muffled moan gew louder and more intense.

A human moan, huh? You don't say. I wonder if there might be somebody inside the crate.

How violently is that crate shaking? I mean, if it's shaking that violently, it really must be a pretty weak crate.

"Ummm-Ummm-Ummm!!! Ummm-Ummm-Ummm!!! Ummm-Ummm-Ummm!!!"

Oh sheeeet. Three exclamation points now! You know it's serious!!!

Archie now was certain there was a person inside the crate.

No, really? You think?

There had to be. He was instantly petrified. He thought about what he should do. Should he open the crate and let the person out, or should he run out of the tunnel and go get help? For a few seconds he was undecided. Then he head the muffled moan again.

"Ummm-Ummm-Ummm!!! Ummm-Ummm-Ummm!!! Ummm-Ummm-Ummm!!!"

Hmm, I wonder if he should open the crate and let the person out. Anyway, I'm quoting the entire passage verbatim because it's just so god damn stupid that I can hardly believe it. Well, I can believe it, but barely. Why was this written this way?

Archie failing to recognize the obvious.

The moan sounded like a desperate moan to him, as if the person needed to get out really badly, perhaps because they could not breathe.

Way to kill the suspense there with more matter-of-fact writing. And way to state the obvious. Seriously, these sentences could be much more easily condensed. Just imagine it being written like this: The moan sounded increasingly desperate, as if whoever was inside the crate couldn't breathe. There, isn't that much better? The whole book could have benefited from an editor who, if nothing else, could rewrite the adventurous parts to be more exciting.

He thought for a few more seconds, continuing to hear the moan.

My hero. Stand around and take your sweet time, Archie. I'm sure Amanda will appreciate it. Assuming that's Amanda inside the crate. Maybe the author will pull a surprise for once and have it be Hank or something. Maybe Hank heard about Amanda's kidnapping and decided to try to rescue her himself, only to get caught? That would, if nothing else, at least be unexpected.

Then he decided he had better open the crate, even though he was scared. He grabbed hold of the top of it and yanked up on it. However, it would not come open. He tried again and again, pulling harder each time. But still he met the same result.

If the crate was that easy to open, I bet whoever was inside would have gotten out by now. If this story took place in the real world, at least. But it takes place in Archie Reynolds world, so hey, anything could happen.

"Darn! What's holding this thing down?" he said to himself. He shined his flashlight all around the top of the crate. Then he saw it was taped down in several spots. "That's what's holding it down! It's the tape!"

Who are you talking to, Archie? The audience? We're not stupid. The narrator could tell us what Archie's thinking. The viewers? This isn't a TV show, and if it were, this is Nick Jr. dialog. Like something Dora the Explorer might say to the audience. "What's holding the crate down? Look! It's the tape! The tape is holding the crate down!

He began peeling the tape back with his fingers. It was coming loose, but much too slowly. He needed to get it done faster. So he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his house key, hoping the tip of the house key might be sharp enough to sever the tape. He then cut at the tape with his key. It worked. In about a minute, he was able to get all of the taped areas severed.

Okay, the use of a house key to cut tape actually makes sense and is a smart move. I suppose that's the third bit of knowledge I can credit the author with, along with his knowledge of tunnel construction and the fact (if it's even true) that police detectives use unmarked cars.

"Alright!" he said to himself, "now I'm going to let this person out, whoever it is! Then I'm going to grab my watch, hightail it down to the other end of the tunnel as fast as I can, and get out of here!"

Great job announcing your plan to whoever's inside the crate. I hope s/he wasn't listening. And how can you not tell who the mysterious person in the crate is, you dumbass?

He then pulled the top of the crate off and shined his flashlight directly down into the crate. Inside was what appeared to be a young girl. She was lying on her back, face up, with a blindfold over her eyes. Her hands and feet were bound by rope, and she was gagged around the mouth, thus explaining the muffled moan.

Yeah, that would probably explain the moan alright. I thought whoever was in the crate was eating and didn't want to be disturbed, but much to my surprise, it's someone who's bound and gagged instead. A young girl? Who could this girl be? I bet she's someone we've never heard of before.

Archie leaned down and worked the blindfold away from the girl's eyes. Then he shined his flashlight directly into the face of the girl. In an instant he recognized her. It was Amanda Dawson!!!

OH MY GOD! What a twist!! Amanda was the one tied up in the crate held in the tunnel that previously held a bunch of hidden jewels! I'm sure this is in no way related to Amanda's kidnapping by jewel thieves mentioned earlier in the chapter. Wow. I'm floored.

This is page 120 now, btw. That means that nearly three pages were spent on Archie taking forever to recognize the obvious. This could have been accomplished in one page, but instead, it was drawn out for "suspense".

"Holy cow!" Archie mumbled to himself, in utter confusion. "How did she get in here?"

I'm guessing the readers knew before he ever did.

Then, in a split second, Archie remembered that Amanda had just been kidnapped from her house, and that the kidnappers were the band of jewel thieves who had been burglarizing homes all over town.

All it took was a split second for Archie to realize all that. He should have realized it, like, way before he rescued Amanda.

"Oh, no!" Archie said to himself, shaking nervously. "Those crooks must live here, in this old house! This must be their hideout! That's how Amanda got here! They must have just brought her here to hold her until they got the ransom!"

Really? The crooks live in this old house? I think we would have known that many chapters back. Maybe when you first discovered the jewels, for instance?

He thought quickly about the men's voices he and the boys had heard yesterday, out in the yard above. "Those weren't neighbors," he said to himself. "They must have been the crooks. Good grief!"

Charlie Brown finally figures it out.

He now realized he was in serious danger. He had to get himself and Amanda out of the tunnel as quickly as possible, before the crooks came out of the brick-shingled door to check on her. First, though, he had to tell Amanda who he was, because she could not see him in the darkness behind the flashlight.

No, but I'm pretty sure she heard him, considering how much talking Archie has been doing.

"Amanda!" Archie whispered in her ear, kneeling down. "It's Archie! Archie Reynolds!" He shined the flashlight on his face. "See! It's me! Recognize me?"

Archie, you are a condescending jackass. She's twelve, not three.

Though surprised, Amanda nodded her head yes.

"We're in the crooks' hideout!" Archie continued. "It's a tunnel behind an old house, down the street from where we live! I just found you down here by accident! Now I'm going to get you loose so we can both get out of here! Don't cry or scream, alright?"

Now, here's my question. If the jewel thieves found out that their jewels had been stolen from their hideout, then why on earth would they kidnap a kid and stash her in the same place as their recently stolen jewels???! Did they not stop to consider that if someone knows where their hideout is, then this person might return later on? They could have hardly chosen a more obvious place to hide Amanda if they tried.

Archie then began peeling the tape that covered Amanda's mouth. When he got it completely off, he pulled a ball of cloth out of her mouth that the crooks had put there to serve as a gag.

These kidnappers are brutal! But I question how Amanda was able to say "Ummm" in that condition. I mean, "Ummm" has a vowel in it. I'd imagine it would be kind of impossible to say.

Archie quiets Amanda after she expresses her relief, then uses the tip of his house key to pick apart the ropes on her hands and feet. Now that I find more questionable, though the book does say it took several minutes.

Archie then grabs his watch from behind one of the other crates and heads off.

When they reach the ladder, the stone slate is covering up the hole, so Archie recognizes that it means trouble. But he climbs up the ladder to listen, and they hear vibrations from above.

And that's chapter 15. Pretty much entirely dedicated to Amanda's kidnapping and Archie's standing around and being a huge dumbass before he eventually rescues her. It's loaded with stupid.

Now that I think about it, this is where the Idiot Plot all comes together. What is an Idiot Plot? It's a plot that can only work if every character in the story acts like an idiot. That is to say, their idiocy specifically has to drive the plot.

Let's analyze. I'll list each stupid action that drove the plot (not simply occurred within it, but drove it), and what it enabled.

The jewel thieves dig a tunnel underground but hide the entrance to the tunnel with a very obvious stone slate in the backyard of an abandoned house.
- This allows Archie and friends to find it.
The thieves hide a chest with their stolen jewels in it underneath some crates, and even lock it with a combination lock. However, they put the instructions on how to get the combination on a piece of paper on the back of the chest (also, how does the paper not get destroyed under all that dirt while being dug up?).
- This makes it easy for Archie and friends to find the combination.
Archie and friends fail to pay any attention to the darkly overcast sky on the way to the graveyard.
- This causes them to have a wild ride through the river and over a waterfall on the way back.
Archie and friends fail to recognize that the people talking over their heads when they're in the tunnel are obviously the bad guys.
- This results in them coming back to the tunnels, not realizing the danger.
The jewel thieves kidnap Amanda and keep her in a crate in the same spot they'd hidden their jewels.
- This allows Archie to rescue her.

If not for the idiocy - primarily, believe it or not, of the bad guys - the plot could not have occurred. At least, not the way it did. It would have to be totally rewritten in order to make more sense.

The rest of the book is going to be stupid, but the actual Idiot Plot (that is, the plot itself being driven by idiot behavior) has pretty much stopped there. Stay tuned nonetheless; we've only got two more chapters to go! And you're not gonna believe what happens in the next one.

Billyhank hive mind dialog count: 17

Times Archie's wristwatch saved the day: 1

Crushing something on someone's head count: 5½

Total victory celebration length: 2 hours 52 minutes

Comments

Valiona Since: Dec, 1969

Nov 30th 2014 at 11:18:40 AM

I've noticed that in any story involving a conflict between two factions, the losing faction will inevitably have to make a mistake at some point to bring the conflict to an end, and even the winning faction will likely make a few missteps to preserve dramatic tension.

Of course, said mistakes have to be believable. If they're not, the former might bring a sudden and contrived defeat to the faction that was doing well for most of the story. The latter might end up prolonging the conflict or, worse, make you wonder why the winning side ended up coming out on top.

And, of course, it's worst of all when the plot can't exist without idiotic mistakes, as the only reason that Archie and the others learned about the jewel thieves was because of a few mistakes they made. It's significantly worse than writers accidentally writing themselves into a corner and getting out by making a character do something stupid, since it's there from the start and affects the entire work.

As such, the main problem with something having an Idiot Plot is that it becomes hard to care about what happens or take it seriously if everyone not only is unbelievably stupid, but has to be for the plot to work. I thus have little confidence in the author writing an interesting and believable resolution to this, but I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on it.

Ellowen Since: Dec, 1969

Nov 30th 2014 at 11:15:49 AM

at this point I'm not sure who has the lowest IQ: archie, the crooks, or the so called author. good gravy.

MetaFour Since: Dec, 1969

Nov 30th 2014 at 11:35:41 AM

Who closes a crate with tape? These guys use an actual combination lock to secure their jewels (which aren't actively trying to escape) but just tape on a kidnapping victim?

BonsaiForest Since: Dec, 1969

Nov 30th 2014 at 4:07:29 PM

@Valiona: In real life, any conflict between two sides tends to end when one side makes a mistake, assuming that it isn't a matter of one overpowering the other through sheer force.

The author's resolution for this story isn't believable, but let's just say I found it amusingly interesting indeed.

Tuckerscreator Since: Dec, 1969

Dec 1st 2014 at 10:39:23 AM

I honestly wonder if that detail is accurate.

It is

. I'm amazed that this dumb-as-a-brick kid somehow knows about this.

MetaFour Since: Dec, 1969

Dec 1st 2014 at 3:20:27 PM

@Tuckerscreator: Maybe that's just one of those things you pick up on when your dad's a mobster.

AccidentalHermit Since: Dec, 1969

Feb 28th 2015 at 8:56:25 PM

Still feeling pretty convinced that this is a point-and-click adventure game put into the form of a book.

BonsaiForest Since: Dec, 1969

Apr 16th 2015 at 11:39:32 AM

@Hermit: It is certainly looking that way more and more. Ironically, if a point-and-click adventure was made this way, with this exact same plot and exact same solutions, it would probably be considered a classic of the genre.

Live Blogs A return to ''The Room'' of kids' books - The Adventures of Archie Reynolds! - a truly special kind of awesome awfulness BonsaiForest2014-12-04 12:18:36

Billyhank hive mind dialog count: 17

Times Archie's wristwatch saved the day: 1

Crushing something on someone's head count: 5½

Total victory celebration length: 2 hours 52 minutes

Comments

Live Blogs A return to ''The Room'' of kids' books - The Adventures of Archie Reynolds! - a truly special kind of awesome awfulness
BonsaiForest2014-12-04 12:18:36