So in the last chapter, Archie, Billy and Hank (in that order, probably) realized they're darn near trapped out here on the river, because they made the downright stupid mistake of taking an inflatable boat onto a river on a day where it was overcast and looking like it was going to rain hard. When the clouds burst and the rain poured forth, our three idiots got caught up in the river.
Chapter 10 begins with some surprisingly decent writing for a change:
Slightly stiff, but a surprisingly competent paragraph of action drama.
A few paragraphs later, it regresses to this:
Annnd, we're back to clinical, almost medical descriptions of action. It just doesn't work.
Let's put it this way. Picture someone who went camping in the woods and got attacked by a bear. How do you think that person would describe the incident? A regular person might describe it like this:
"So I was camping, and this bear attacked me! I was sitting at the campfire, listening to music, when I heard this growl. And since my music was real loud, I thought it was just part of the music, you know? I was listening to death metal. But then I saw it out of corner of my eye. And the bear jumped on me and my head hit the ground before I even knew what happened. The bear's face was like right in front of mine, and I was like 'Holy crap, I'm screwed', and it started clawing at my face and..."
If that person was the author of this book, they'd describe it like this:
"While camping, as I was sitting at the campfire and listening to music, the sound of a growl was made about twenty feet to the right from where I sat. However, due to the loud sound of my music, I originally mistook it for part of the soundtrack. This is because I was listening to death metal, whose loud sounds are indistinct at times. Therefore, I didn't initially recognize the bear. Five seconds later, the bear jumped on top of me and knocked my head into the dirt in a painful manner. I thought 'Darn me, I'm in trouble now!' The bear's face was two inches from mine, and it swiped its claw across my face multiple times..."
Which sounds like a more exciting story? I think our author should, at the very least, have read other books' action scenes if he was going to write one of his own.
Anyway, back in Gifford Bailey's story, the kids spot
Archie comes up with a way to avoid it, and the book comes up with more explanations for what they're doing while they're doing it, while describing things as exactly as possible.
How do you mangle an action scene so badly? See my above example of the camper and the bear. While that person's storytelling style is very unprofessional, it would be a lot more exciting than what we get here.
"Yeah!" both Billy and Hank hollered.
Now you see the spot you're headed for? What does that even mean? "Now we're finally reaching the place that we're going to go to! See it?" "Yeah!" They didn't even plan to go this way, so what is he even talking about with the whole "spot we're heading for" thing?
Also, another Billyhank uniquote.
Next, we get more exact descriptions of measurements:
I get that the author is probably trying to imagine in his head how the scene would work, and that explains the exact size measurements. Still, that doesn't make for exciting writing. He should instead think in terms of how a person who survived a situation like this would actually describe it, then transplant such a description to a third-person narrator.
Really, it would be a disaster? You sure? Needless to say, if writing adds nothing to the scene, it should be removed.
The boat continues to have hard times with the water.
"I sure do hope the situation with the boat crashing and us getting swept away downriver doesn't occur!"
I'd like to know also just how the rain turned this harsh so quickly. Never mind the idiocy involved in planning to use a boat when it's dark overhead and threatening rain the whole day; I'd like to know how the river got so threatening so quickly.
After a few more paragraphs, they manage to get under the bridge.
"Alright!" both Billy and Hank yelled, as they lay partially sprawled underneath Archie. "Alright!"
I'm picturing Billy and Hank laying sprawled on the boat, both yelling "Alright! Alright!" at the exact same time. It looks more undignified in my imagination than the writing makes it sound.
What is this, a cartoon??? A video game animation? What would this even look like? Did they get up, take turns shaking each other, then sit up, and go shift into their exact original spot and position?
The rain begins to subside, and soon, they spot something in the distance that looks like a lake.
"That's where the river must end, then!" Hank reasoned. "It must go into the reservoir!"
Hank uses his reasoning skills to realize that anything Archie says is always right.
The boat continues heading towards the reservoir, and only when they're very close do they notice the waterfall.
It could be a drop, or it could be a waterfall, which I believe is what it's called when water drops.
They realize they're probably going to go over the waterfall, fight against it, then realize that they're definitely going to go over the waterfall and there's nothing they can do about it. So they just take it.
Those were the last words uttered before the boat raced out over the waterfall, and descended some forty feet down into the reservoir. All three boys were thrown from the boat almost immediately. They each plunged down into the deep water, feet first. But all three boys survived the impact, and, being good swimmers, surfaced seconds later near one another.
You just can't separate these three. They do everything in unison, no exceptions. They get thrown from the boat in unison. They all land in the water, feet first, in unison. Heck, they're such identically perfect swimmers, that they surface near each other at the same time. I mean, you could easily rewrite that paragraph to refer to a single character. Watch. I'll do it.
"Archiebillyhank was thrown from the boat almost immediately. He plunged down into the deep water, feet first. But he survived the impact, and, being a good swimmer, surfaced seconds later."
Still not good writing, but it makes more sense since it's referring to one character, not three who act totally in unison.
I thought they were good swimmers?! Now suddenly they switch to doggy paddling. I wonder how much actual "swimming" they did. When they fell in the water, did they actually swim back to the surface, or just float to the surface? I guess doggy paddling is equal to swimming in the author's mind.
Then they began looking around for the paddles, which were buoyant. They spotted both of them floating about fifteen yards away from the boat, and retrieved them.
Yes, describe to us why they need the boat to survive. You could just have said that they were exhausted first, and then describe how they're likely to pass out from exhaustion and drown, and make the search for the boat more exciting. In fact, I'm realizing that if the explanations for things were shown first, and then the action, the story would flow better.
Exciting flip boat over action! The story doesn't even show their attempts, or try to make it exciting. It just tell us "they had to do this. After a few tries, they did it." Heck, even a single sentence like "After several attempts, they managed to flip the rubber boat right side up, and then climbed in" would work better.
In the end, the piece of paper with the lock combination number was no longer in Archie's pocket. But good thing the boys still remember the combination number: 5-31-18. Yes, all three remembered it. It's not like they're separate characters, with separate abilities, such as having better or worse memory, or anything.
And this chapter ends.
Billyhank hive mind dialog count: 10
Crushing something on someone's head count: 4½
Total victory celebration length: 32 minutes
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