The Adventure of Failure Shepard or How Not to Play the Mass Effect Trilogy

Thessia

All caught up.

The Asari Councillor asks Fail Shep to meet her on the Citadel. It turns out the asari have some sort of artifact on their homeworld of Thessia that can be used to locate the Catalyst, Unforunatly, she is only telling Fail Shep this because Thessia is under attack by the Reapers.

As Fail Shep departs the Citadel for the Normandy, he is approched by Wrex, who has been told of the genophage cure sabotage by his other moles in the STG. Now he wants revenge.

Luckily, this all takes place in a cutscene, so Fail Shep dodges Wrex's shotgun at point blank range. But Fail Shep cannot bring himself to kill his BFF. Bailey has no such compunctions though and Wrex falls through a window to his death. Goodbye Urdnot support. Wrex's body gets spaced since there isn't a large enough coffin on the Citadel for him. The fight is covered up. As far as the galaxy knows, this was just another case of a psychotic krogan trying to kill an innocent bystander.

I feel dirty.

The asari military doctrine involve having small but skilled armies. Sadly, this doctrine doesn't work against Reapers, so Thessia gets its asskicked. The artifact is in the Temple of Athame, which is a good distance away from the landing zone. The asari, believing that this is going to be the end of the war, sacrifice themselves en masse to clear the way for Fail Shep.

The temple is revealed to be home to a Prothean beacon that the asari have been keeping hidden for millennia so they can have a technological advantage over the other races. This is a huge violation of galactic law.

Fail Shep activates the beacon and speaks to its VI, Vendetta. Vendetta reveals that the Crucible is not actually a Prothean design, it is the combined work of every species that has ever fought the Reapers. He also shares the Prothean speculation that the Reapers are being manipulated by something.

Before Vendetta can explain what the Catalyst is, he shuts down because Kai Lame has arrived and he doesn't want to catch teh suck. Lame puts Fail Shep in contact with TIM. TIM and Fail Shep have another argument and it becomes pretty obvious that TIM is indoctrinated. When Fail Shep refuses to give TIM Vendetta, he orders Lame to take it from him.

After a rather generic boss fight, Kai Lame suddenly turns into Kai Leng, the uber-badass Combat Pragmatist from Retribution. Leng has his gunship bomb the temple's structural supports. While Fail Shep struggles to not fall to his death, Leng swipes Vendetta, marches out of the temple like a boss and reverts back to being Kai Lame for the rest of the game.

Fail Shep and co. escape the temple just in time to listen to their asari forces get slaughtered by the Reapers. Ordinarily, this is one of the saddest scenes in the game. But Fail Shep tends to fail so hard that this isn't anything special.

Back on the Normandy, Wrex sends a letter from beyond the grave. A big ass bomb went off, killing "too many" krogan. Aside from Aralakh Company, I have no krogan war assets.

EMS: 894

Death List:

Countless Mooks and civilians
Jenkins (Squadmate, Plot)
Nihlus (Plot)
Fist
Stirling
Anoleis
Gianna
Ventralis
Benezia (Plot)
Rachni Queen
Peak 15 Scientists
Talitha
Conrad
Jeong
Zhu's Hope Colonists
Fai Dan (Plot)
The Thorian (Plot)
Shiala
Tonn Actus (Mission)
Wayne
Toombs
Kirrahe
Menos Avot (Plot)
Droyas (Plot)
Ganto Imness
Ashley (Squadmate, Love Interest)
Saren (Plot)
Sovereign (Plot)
Pressly (Plot)
Fail Shep (Plot, Resurrected)
20 Normandy Crewmen (Plot)
Wilson (Squadmate, Plot)
Prazza (Plot)
Whitson
Jaroth (Plot)
Garm (Plot)
Jentha (Plot)
Tarak (Plot)
Kuril (Plot)
Jedore (Plot)
Okeer (Plot)
Daniel
Abducted Horizon Colonists (Plot)
Kal'Reeger
Kureck (Mission)
Aresh
Niftu Cal
Wasea (Mission)
Nassana (Mission)
Niket (Mission)
Enyala (Mission)
Weyrloc Guld (Mission)
Maelon
Rael'Zorah (Plot)
Talid
Legion (Squadmate, Sort of Resurrected)
Thane (Squadmate)
Garrus (Squadmate)
The Original Crew of the Normandy SR-2, including:
- Kelly (Quasi-Love Interest)
- Gardner
- Ken and Gabby
Jacob (Squadmate)
Mordin (Squadmate)
Grunt (Squadmate)
Miranda (Squadmate)
Tali (Squadmate)
Collector General (Plot)
Zaeed (Squadmate)
Feron
The Shadow Broker (Plot)
The Boy (Plot)
Primarch Fedorian (Plot)
Dr. Eva (Plot)
Aeian T'Goni
Rana (Plot)
Charr (Plot)
Dagg (Mission)
Wreav
Eve
Padok
Valern
Udina (Plot)
Kaidan (Squadmate)
Kahlee
Tashya Porae (Plot)
Rila (Mission)
Samara (Squadmate)
Falere
Dorn'Hazt (Plot)
Koris
Legion (Plot)
Gerrel
Xen
Danna
Veetor
Raan
Urdnot Wrex (Squadmate)
Kurin (Plot)
Talon 5 (Plot)