Pannic Reads Stuff He Hates

After this I'm gonna huff some laughing gas.

Hey! Guess what, everyone! Have you guessed it? No? Oh. Okay. Well, I'll tell you: that story about Idiot in a Costume updated.

The other day I left a lengthy post on the story, explaining why it wasn't very good. I should also point out that I used much more measured language in the comment than I do on this blog, because generally a comment I make on a fic itself is going to be aiming less to be funny.

But that bit of serious out of the way, let's proceed and see if this fourth chapter is any improvement over the last!

Joker groaned as he began to see the red-ish glow of a light through his eyelids. He also felt what was unmistakably an adhesive bandage on a wound on his head. He knew it was a wound because he could also feel a bit of dried blood underneath the bandage.

He is not the Joker. He is an idiot in a costume. Also, I don't think that dried blood under a bandage is something you can feel.

Maybe everything that had happened yesterday, or however long he'd been unconcious for had been some kind of highly realistic dream... after all, there was no such person as the Clown Prince of Crime, right? There wasn't actually a Joker, was there? He was merely a comic book character, one of the first to ever truly be a mainstay villain, right?

That last clause seems utterly irrelevant to me. His thought process much be one that gets easily distracted.

So, when he opened his eyes, he expected to see either a hospital room or his bedroom.

Instead, he saw that he appeared to be lying down on a bed in someone's house. As he sat up and looked around, he noticed that his coat had been hung up and his items had been placed on a bedside table, including-

Uhh, author? You are aware that Ponyville does have a hospital, right?

"The snow globe," whispered Joker, carefully reaching for the snow globe... only for absolutely nothing to happen when grabbed it. Examining it, he saw that there was a music box crank on the bottom. Deciding that he'd look at it later, Joker took a look at his surroundings, noting that there were various party supplies and various cookbooks stowed away on shelves in the room. That gave him a pretty good idea of who's house he was in.

Sure enough, Pinkie Pie's head poked through the door. "Oh, you're finally up, Mr. Sleepyhead!" she said as she entered the room, a wide grin on her face. "My name's Pinkie Pie! Do you like parties? What's your favorite kind of ice cream? Mine's banana brickle! I gotta say, I don't think I've seen you around before-"

Oh...

So why is he in Pinkie Pie's house?

Anyway, there's a boring conversation meant to facilitate shipping.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Pinkie, cool your jets. I just woke up, you know, and my head is killing me," said Joker, holding his head.

"Oh... sorry," said Pinkie, who began to look a little down. Joker, seeing that he may have hurt Pinkie's feelings, decided to try to cheer her up. "Hey, don't be down, Pinkie. If it's one thing I cannot stand it's someone with a frown on their face. So, come on and smile," he said.

Pinkie gave a small smile.

"Oh, come on, Pinkie, I think we can do a little better than that... would it help if I said I was sorry for snapping at you and told you a joke?" asked Joker.

"Maybe a little..." said Pinkie.

"Well, I'm sorry for snapping at you. And now for the joke: a pony walked into a bar and said 'Ow,'" said Joker. Pinkie Pie tilted her head in confusion. "Huh?" she said.

"A pony walked into a bar, as in, a metal pole, and said 'Ow,'" explained Joker.

"Oh... hee hee! That actually is pretty funny," said Pinkie, giggling a little bit.

It's funny, because this video

is apropos.

So far the prose doesn't have any glaring things that make me groan. I'm just bored.

You know, one problem with the whole conceit that this character is the Joker (apart from the obvious deal about him just being an Idiot in a Costume) is that he doesn't act like the Joker. Y'know, the Joker being a homicidal maniac? This guy is completely harmless and hasn't displayed a penchant for anything but buffoonery and boring pranks. Or boring prank. He's just been an annoying twat. So you can't pass it off as him having had his personality overwritten by the character (I haven't played Arkham Origins, but the Arkham games being the Arkham games, well), so it's just that the character is an impressionable idiot.

Guh. Back to the bad dialogue.

oker smiled. "I knew I could get you laughing," he said. "After all, you are my favorite Element of Harmony." "What do you mean, 'your favorite Element of Harmony?' And how do you know my name? Have you been following us? Who else has been following us? WHO IS IN YOUR RING OF SPIES?!" yelled Pinkie, grabbing Joker by his vest and shaking him.

"Hey, easy, Pinkie, my dear. There's a whole toy company following you, making a mint off of your adventures, recording every single detail of them, I might add, all while selling everything from toys to lunchboxes... although, you girls do seem to be a bit more bipedal than I remember... weird Anyways, I'd advise against telling your friends about it. They might think you've gone crazier than usual!" said Joker with a laugh.

"More bipedal than I remember" is about as close as we seem to get to an acknowledgement that this is different.

"Hee! You're funny! Say, I almost forgot to ask... what's your name?" asked Pinkie.

"My name... is Joker."

"Joker? You mean, like the playing card?" asked Pinkie.

No, like the dude from Full Metal Jacket. Or anyone who tells jokes.

"Yep," said Joker.

"That is... THE MOST EPICALLY FUNERIFIC AWESOME POSSUM SUPER-COOL NAME EVER!" squealed Pinkie.

Not really...

Sigh. How long is this chapter? 2,442 words? It feels longer... You know, partway through this I stopped to go play Dota. That's how boring this is.

"Wait right there, I've got something to show you!" With that, Pinkie Pie zoomed downstairs, leaving Joker to wonder just what she was up to. Not even a minute had passed, however, before she was back with a familiar-looking wagon.

Uh-oh, it's the Welcome Wagon... my clothes will be ruined! Oh, well, sounds like an excuse to go meet Rarity! thought Joker as Pinkie Pie turned on her wagon and began her welcome song.

"Excuse" sounds like it sums up most of what happens in this fic.

"Welcome welcome welcome! A fine welcome to you! Welcome welcome welcome! I say how do you do? Welcome welcome welcome! I say hip hip hurray! Welcome welcome welcome to Ponyville today!" sang Pinkie. "Wait for it..."

Just as Joker anticipated, when the song came to an end, out of the Welcome Wagon's oven came a blast of confetti, and out of the confetti cannons came globs of cake batter, covering the room, Joker, and Pinkie.

"Whoops! I guess I put the confetti in the oven and the cake batter in the confetti cannons! Again!" said Pinkie, before she cleaned herself off with one impossible lick of her tongue.

You know, the reason I'm bored isn't because this isn't funny. It's because there's really nothing driving the story. Idiot in a Costume has no goals or motivations, so this scene is meaningless. It's not a breather in between plot beats, because there are no plot beats, and for that matter, it doesn't serve as a plot beat itself.

Joker, meanwhile, wasn't quite so lucky. His face was shrouded in cake batter, as were parts of his outfit and coat. At least my gadgets are okay, thought Joker. "Hey, Pinkie, do you think Rarity can help me figure out how to get my clothes cleaned up? I mean, I just got to this world via snow globe yesterday, and-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up a moment! Did you say that you came here from another world?!" said Pinkie Pie, a look of the utmost shock on her face as her hands covered up her mouth.

"Yes... and?" said Joker.

"But, then that must mean... you don't have a home! No money! No clothes except the ones on your back! No food! And worst of all, NOT A SINGLE FRIEND IN THE WORLD!!!" screamed Pinkie as she tackled Joker in a backbreaking hug.

"Pinkie! You're crushing my spine! Can't breathe!" gasped Joker in pain.

Pinkie let go of the hug, looked Joker right in the eye, and said, "I have GOT to throw you a party, and get you some friends! But, first, let's see what Rarity can do about your wardrobe!" And with that, Pinkie grabbed Joker by the hand and pulled him along, allowing Joker just enough time to grab his overcoat.

Ah, yes, good old boring Human in Equestria cliche #6: the boring protagonist goes to meet each of the mane 6, by rote.

Sigh. There's a scene break.

As Pinkie Pie and Joker made their way to the Carrousel Boutique, several ponies gave them odd looks, and Joker was highly certain that the coating of cake batter on them wasn't really helping with anyone's impressions. When they finally got to Rarity's store, Pinkie pounded away on the door. "Rarity! Rarity! We have a fashion emergency on our hands!"

It's not really a fashion emergency. It's more of an "I need more clothes" emergency.

Rarity opened the door, looking exhausted and a little irritated. "Pinkie, whatever do you- WAHAHA HA!" she cried in horror upon seeing The Joker's chalk white skin, ruby red smile, and green hair, all of which had cake batter all over.

1. Stop quoting lines from the show unless the context necessitates it. 2. Author, I told you the infodump descriptions were bad. Just say "clown covered in cake."

You know, I just realized - the description made this seem like it was going to be a Sparity fic first with "eventual" Idiot in a Costume/Pinkie Pie. But so far there's been no Sparity at all and the focus is on Idiot Pie.

Recover from her shock,

Oops, I accidentally forgot my conjugations.

Rarity grabbed Joker by the hand and pulled him into the Boutique's fitting room and pushed him into a chair.

"First off, we have to clean up that cake batter and that repulsive clown makeup," said Rarity, grabbing a washrag and a bucket.

"Uh, actually, Miss Belle-"

Nobody calls her that. The only time I've seen anyone call her that was in Sereg's An Earth Pony's Guide to Magic, and that had context in that the protagonist was big into genealogy and made a point of calling everyone by their full name. The fic in question established that it was her name through proper context and exposition. The author here didn't do that. He just called her that and assumed we'd be on board.

Blah blah blah, Rarity is unable to remove the makeup.

"I must say, that's quite some makeup you've got on there, Mr..." said Rarity.

"Joker. My name is Joker

No it isn't. Your name is Jerome, and you're a dipshit.

So he says that it isn't makeup, it's his face.

"What? Why, whatever do you mean?" asked Rarity, apparently confused.

"Yeah, what DO you mean?"

Joker and Rarity looked towards the doorway and saw Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy,Spike, and Pinkie Pie standing there, interested looks on their faces. Well, Fluttershy's expression was more nervous than interested, but the others looked interested.

"Praytell, how in the wide, wide, world of Equestria did you get there?" asked Rarity.

Wrong question. A better question would be "What brings you here?"

Instead, Rarity asks a question to which the answer is very obvious: they came through the fucking door.

"I brought them here! I wanted to invite Applejack too, but she refused to come... something about something Joker said and not trusting him because of it, but, seriously, who couldn't trust him! He's a clown!" said Pinkie with a huge grin.

"Honestly, I could think of a few ponies," Rainbow whispered in Twilight's ear.

Twilight ignored her and approached Joker. "So, your name is Joker... I wonder, could you by any chance be Mr. J, the one who left that present in the library?" she asked Joker.

"Let's not forget that he Joy Buzzed me into unconsciousness," added Spike.

"Yep, that sounds like me," said Joker.

"So, YOU were behind that box that punched me IN THE FACE?!" yelled Rarity.

"What, you girls can't take a joke? I got you the Elements, didn't I?" said Joker defensively.

I thought in the show it was indicated that they didn't clearly remember what went on while they were discord'd.

You know, looking at the comments, someone called this "Joker" a pansy (specifically in the context of a 'pansy-pacifist'). Well... he kind of is.

"Um, excuse me, Mr. Joker, I think you were going to tell us about how your face ended up looking like that... if it's not too much trouble," said Fluttershy.

"No, no, no, it's no trouble at all, Bats-"

Oh. Oh no.

"Um, actually, my name is Fluttershy."

"I know," said Joker. "Well, to be honest, I hardly remember what happened myself. When I woke up in the hospital, they told me that I'd been trying to catch a bat when I fell into a vat of chemicals at the plant where I worked. When they held a mirror up to my face, this is what looked back at me... because of my accident, well... let's just say not a lot of people want to hang around a guy who looks like this, let alone date them."

Nnnnno, you're an idiot who put on a costume.

Joker knew instantly that he'd won over every pony in the room. Rarity and Fluttershy's eyes filled up with sympathtic tears, Twilight had her hand over her mouth, Rainbow seemed to be at a loss for words, and Pinkie began to openly wail and tackled Joker in a big hug.

I'm sorry, but no.

You know what I've noticed about this chapter? That nothing has happened in it. It's just the standard HIE cliche of the character going around to meet the mane six, and there's one character who doesn't like it because that's as close as this story gets to conflict.

Once Joker could finally breathe again, he finished his story. "Yeah, life's been pretty cruel to me. Then, in another bizarre twist of fate, I went to this huge comic book convention, and bought a snow globe. Next thing I know, I'm here, and well, there you go."

Oh, for fuck's sake, he's either been overwritten by the Joker or he's a twat in a costume. I know I just said that he was an idiot in a costume and here he's acknowledging that, but it's so fucking inconsistent. It also makes him even more of a twat because he's appropriating a fictional character's backstory for sympathy points.

So Twilight asks Idiot in a Costume (I can't believe I actually typed 'Joker.' I feel a deep sense of shame at this slip) to come to the library for tests later, and the Idiot decides to go for a tour of Ponyville with Pinkie Pie.

As Pinkie and The Joker left, Rarity muttered to the others, "A bit eccentric, that Joker character, don't you think?"

"I don't know, Rarity... we'll have to wait for those test results before we know just how eccentric he REALLY is," said Twilight.

He's not eccentric. He's an unfunny dipshit with lame pranks and a skin condition.

Meanwhile, at Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack was in her bedroom with tear-soaked eyes, gazing at an old photograph. In it was a red stallion with a blonde mane and tail, wearing a flannel shirt, overalls, cowboy boots,

I think the author didn't read my comment at all.

and what looked like Applejack's hat, a young colt who looked like a younger version of Big Macintosh, a younger Applejack, and a mare with a cream yellow coat and a red mane and tail wearing a plaid dress and heels who was holding a baby who looked just like her.

Applejack smiled at the photo, remembering how happy she and her siblings had been before their parents had been taken from them...it just wasn't fair, and now some mysterious clown was dancing on their graves... how could she possibly come to like or even trust someone so cruel and insensitive?

You know, I'm no expert on how people deal with grief, but given her parents' absence in Cutie Mark Chronicles, I'm led to believe that her parents probably died when she was very young. Being reminded that they're dead might not be something that drives her to tears. From what I've seen of Applejack's character, what with her sense of pride and stubbornness, I'd think that if she were to come across someone making snide remarks, she probably wouldn't break down crying because they were a meanie-pants. She'd probably be more prone to getting up in their face and demanding they take it back.

Now, I suppose that a good writer could justify making her more sad than angry in such a context; after all, emotions are complicated things. Joker the Hedgehog, however, is not a good writer, so he can't sell it.

Someone knocked on the door. "Sis? Ya'll okay in there? Granny Smith's gettin' worried," said the voice of a young teenage girl.

"Ye-yeah, Ah'm fine, Apple Bloom... just thinkin' 'bout some things," said Applejack.

Apple Bloom's voice rang out again, this time with the impression that she was walking through a minefield. "Is it 'bout Ma an' Pa?"

Applejack didn't reply. Apple Bloom seemed to take this as a yes.

"Okay, Ah'll just leave ya be, then."

I thought Apple Bloom didn't know. Also, Apple Bloom circa season 2 isn't a young teenager. She's younger than that. She's like a grade-schooler.

So this is the longest chapter in the story yet. In it, nothing happened.

Comments

KuroiTsubasaTenshi Since: Dec, 1969

Aug 12th 2015 at 3:24:51 PM

I'm still of the opinion that this sounds like a greentext story. All that's missing are the gratuitous second-person sex scenes.

IcyShake Since: Dec, 1969

Aug 13th 2015 at 7:20:39 AM

And how do you know my name?

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that this question isn't a result of the author making a joke, but forgetting that Pinkie told him her name.

Uh-oh, it's the Welcome Wagon... my clothes will be ruined! Oh, well, sounds like an excuse to go meet Rarity! thought Joker as Pinkie Pie turned on her wagon and began her welcome song.

See, this looks like one of those cases where you'd expect a difference because everyone is a clothes-wearing biped who couldn't just hose off or whatever.

It's not really a fashion emergency. It's more of an "I need more clothes" emergency.

But at bottom, it's a "Pinkie Pie is terrible" emergency.

He's not eccentric. He's an unfunny dipshit with lame pranks and a skin condition.

And more than that, he didn't seem to do anything eccentric, or even dipshitty, in that scene. From what I could tell, it was a normal conversation. I guess it's possible to just be commenting on the older events, but I'd expect it to be more along the lines of "that asshole who assaulted us seems nicer by comparison once you get to talk with him."

Side note: I really dislike that spelling of "ya'll," which doesn't match either the etymology or the phonetics I've ever heard.

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Live Blogs Pannic Reads Stuff He Hates
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