Onward and forward. The world hasn’t ended, and thus I still have responsibilities.
This chapter is dubbed “Snowball’s Chance”. Oh, goody. A pun.
>Saturday is always followed by Sunday,<
Except for that one weird week in August of 2005.
>and the Kids Next Door spent the beautiful morning on the patio of the Powerpuff Girls' house, where the two teams sipped hot chocolate and ate powdered mini-donuts.<
No joking, this actually makes me a little nostalgic. After a certain point, you miss the quieter parts of your childhood.
>The Kids' wounds from the battle with Fuzzy had pretty much healed,<
Amazing what ball lightning can do.
>and it was time to get back to business<
Actually, they’re trading information. The PPG recap that episode where Princess made crime legal in Townsville, and Numbah Two takes an opportunity to ruin any suspense this story could have:
>"It's like what Lotus said," said Numbah Two. "Villains have brains like tapioca."<
So don’t expect any cleverness or danger from the villains in this fic – Brian loves to make his heroes all-powerful over the forces of evil.
>"And all of them have their distinct weakness," said Numbah One. "I remember this guy who gave us a lot of trouble. It all started when Numbah Three went to the candy store and..."
Suddenly, a beeper went off on his watch.<
“Oh, right, that bomb Numbah Three put on my balls that blows up if I talk about it.”
No, actually, they’re getting a message on their vehicle’s communicator:
Numbah 65.3 appeared on the screen.
>"Kids Next Door reporting for duty," said Numbah One.
"Well it took you long enough," said 65.3.<
“What the- Screw you, boss!”
>"You and your team are in Townsville, right Numbah One.
"Yes," said Numbah One. "We had to..."<
He stopped, stunned by the sheer grammar pile-up.
>"I'm not interested in why you're there in the first place, Numbah One," said Numbah 65.3, "the point is we need a team there now. As you know, the last time a group of operatives took down Knightbrace, he was incarcerated by the dental establishment again..."
"Yeah," said Numbah One. "I really wish they did a better job of hanging onto him the first time. But what do you expect from a bunch of adults?"<
It might be required by the strictures of canon, but damn, the constant whining about adults gets tiresome. Then again, given that the KND in this story murder and imprison children without pity, I guess Numbah One’s disdain for proper legal procedure is understandable.
>"Well anyway," said Numbah 65.3, "he escaped again last night, but this time we were prepared. While he was being held, we sent a spy into the place and put a tracer on him. Thank goodness he didn't find it.<
“And R&D thought I was nuts for requesting a suppository tracer.”
You get the feeling Numbah 65.3 is as sick of the random adult-hate as we are?
>According to the tracer's positioning, he's in Townsville right now. We need you to grab him... then we can make sure he's put somewhere where he can't break out of.<
Guess I was wrong; he just wants Numbah One to get to it and drag Knightbrace off to permanent confinement without trial.
Numbah 65.3 sends the KND and PPG the program needed to lock onto the tracer’s signal and sends them out with a warning about the Delightful Children’s possible involvement. Bubbles asks who Knightbrace is, but Numbah One postpones answering:
>A view of the city came up, and a blinking light centered on a building.<
But what good will Missile Command do us?
>"Girls, what building is that?" asked Numbah One.
"Townsville Museum," said Buttercup.
"Why would Knightbrace be at a museum?" pondered Numbah Four.
"Even stranger, why would he be in Townsville?" said Numbah Two.
"Numbah Five doesn't like this," said Numbah Five. "That kook led us into a trap once before, and this may be a trap again."
"Ooh!" said Numbah Three, holding her mouth. "My teeth still hurt from last time!"
"Who's Knightbrace?" said all three Girls at once.<
Cue the Nostalgia Critic yelling, “JUST EXPLAIN!”
The KND decide to explain en route, and they fly off, someone following their ship from the ground.
SCENE CHANGE:
>"You're kidding!" said Blossom, as they flew into the city.<
“THAT many hookers?!?”
Actually, we’re given yet another lengthy backstory bit on Knightbrace. That’s actually one of the episodes I’d seen, funny enough. Short version: expelled from dental school for being too obsessive about it, forced to work in the family candy business, snapped and turned into a dental vigilante.
>"Numbah Three," called Numbah One. "Any luck with finding any taffy in there?"
Numbah Three was searching in the refrigerator.
"Lessee," she said. "Caramels, lollypops, Milky Ways, Skittles, tuna fish, milk, leftover spaghetti..."
"Uh, don't touch that, Numbah Three, I'm saving that!" said Numbah Four.<
Why the hell do they keep their candy in the refrigerator? Frozen Skittles are terrible.
No taffy is forthcoming, so they resolve to beat up Knightbrace the hard way. They land at the museum, and we SCENE CHANGE inside.
>Inside the museum, a dark shape was watching out the window. He took out a special cell phone.<
Is the “special phone” one that can make conference calls without ridiculous billing rates?
>"Knightbrace to Delightfuls," he said. "They've just arrived!"
"Splendid," said the quintet of voices on the other end. "Are the Powerpuff Girls with them?"
"Depends," said Knightbrace. "Do the Powerpuff Girls look like pink, blue, and green pixies with big, cute eyes?"<
“Kind of like pudding in dresses?”
>"That's them," said the Delightful Children. "You know what to do, Jelly. Just remember you owe us for busting you out of that joint."
"I always pay my debts," said Knightbrace.<
“Haven’t missed a tax return yet.”
>He hung up, and lifted a tiny device.
"Those fools didn't think I knew about this tracer they planted on me," he said. "Well, I didn't until the Delightful Children told me about it... but little did those cavity covered brats know, I wanted them to find me."<
“Five hours with that probe extractor up my ass, I need to work off some anger!”
>He threw down the tracer and stomped on it.
"Now, I'm gonna give them a treatment like none other!"<
“OW! Plastic sliver!”
SCENE CHANGE:
>As the Girls and the Kids Next Door walked into the building, a tall shape watched them.
Maybe, thought the figure, if I go in there to lend some support, they won't be so quick to judge...
The figure crept up to the door.
Wait! What if they get the wrong idea? What if they attack me? Those Girls have a reason to hate my kind!<
Two steps forward, two steps back, two steps forward, two steps back… You get the feeling she’s done this for an hour now.
>The figure looked towards the door.
This is your last chance Snowball, thought the figure.<
“If you miss, you have to wait for next winter!”
>You've been putting this off for months. Now, you can either go through that door and meet them, or you can walk away and be miserable for the rest of your already miserable life!
The first option is hard, thought Snowball, the second would be easy...<
“The third option involves meringue.”
>Two large eyes stared at the door and quivered.<
Which was creepy, as they weren’t attached to anything.
>The figure stood up straight.
"When faced with two paths," said Snowball, "the true warrior always chooses the harder! And, I've always been a warrior!"
The figure dashed through the doorway.<
She then recoiled, clutching her head, and cursed herself for not opening the door first.
SCENE CHANGE to five minutes earlier:
>The eight children immediately noticed that something was amiss in the museum. It was only one o'clock. The museum should be open to the public. But the lights were off, and not a soul was around.
"Where is everybody?" said Numbah Four. "Don't museums usually have visitors? And guards?"<
>Blossom listened carefully.
"I hear several people breathing," she said. "Two rooms to the north."
The team drew their weapons, and the Girls followed them, as they slowly went from one room to the next.
They gasped at what they saw.<
People were voluntarily watching a Setzer and Friedburg movie.
>Four security guards, and at least ten guests were there, unconscious. They had apparently been glued to the wall by a gooey pink substance.
Numbah One went up to one of them, and smelled the stuff.
"Toothpaste," he said. "Emphasis on 'paste'."
He tasted it. "Extra minty..." he said.<
“Numbs my tongue… it’s got a hint of cocaine.”
>"We got a conscious one here!" said Numbah Five.
They all went up to a woman who was in a half-sitting position against the floor. She looked like she was just waking up.
"What happened here?" said Blossom.
"A lunatic with protective headgear," she said. "Sprayed everyone with sleeping gas..."<
“And what he did next I don’t want to think about.”
>"Sleeping gas?" said Numbah Four.
"More like laughing gas," said Numbah Two. "Nitrous oxide. Dentists use it to sedate patients for dental surgery."<
I’ve had multiple crowns put in. They used nitrous to supplement the Novocain. Wouldn’t enough to knock you out for a significant period be enough to kill you?
Before the woman went under, she heard Knightbrace state he was heading for the Ancient Egypt exhibit, and our heroes pursue.
SCENE CHANGE to the exhibit:
>In the ancient Egyptian exhibit, Knightbrace, was sadly looking over the mummified corpses in the glass cases.
"Man," said Knightbrace. "Those Egyptians sure mistreated their teeth..."<
Actually, the ancient Egyptians had very good dental care.
>"Anyone ever tell you that you're an obsessed lunatic?" said Numbah One's voice.
Knightbrace turned and saw the Kids Next Door and the Powerpuff Girls at the doorway.
"Congratulations, Knightbrace," said Numbah One. "You are about to make dental history!"
"How so?" snarled Knightbrace.
"You are going to be the first person to repair over twenty-five cracked and chipped teeth," said Numbah One.
"All of them being your own!" said Buttercup.<
This is actually a pretty good bit, in my opinion – even if it’s only because one of the more famous shots in Powerpuff Girls is the slow-mo pan over a villain getting hit, teeth flying everywhere.
>"I don't think so," said Knightbrace.
He whipped off his protective headgear.<
Thereby exposing himself to the lingering gas and knocking himself out. What’s on Fox?
>"Now brace for impact!"
He hurled the weapon, and the team ducked.
"You used that dumb joke the first time we met!" said Numbah Four. "It wasn't funny the first time! Besides, you missed!"<
And destroyed priceless artifacts.
No, actually, he was aiming for the Powerpuff Girls, who got nailed in the gut. The heroes attack, and Knightbrace makes terrible dentist jokes while dominating the fight. We get this nice little number:
>He swung the lethal brush five times, and the five operatives fell over.<
Not because they got hit, they just fell over. Untied shoelaces, maybe?
The KND end up glued to a wall with toothpaste, and the PPG take over the fight:
>Knightbrace flicked a switch on his brush, and a stream of long strands shot out from the tip, ensnaring the girls!
"Dental floss?" said Buttercup.
"If you think this will hold us for long..." said Blossom, starting to strain against it.
"It doesn't have to!" said Knightbrace, pointing the other tip of the brush at them. He hit a switch, and a spray of gas covered them!
"His nitrous oxide!" said Bubbles.
"Getting weak..." said Buttercup.<
Wait, wait, wait… Why would that even affect them? Their blood is made out of Chemical X. Would it even process oxygen the same way as a human’s?
If it looks like I’m rushing through the fight scene, it’s because I am. Brian still can’t write fight scenes, and I’m trying to save space because of the upcoming wall of text that closes out the chapter.
Knightbrace locks the PPG into dentist chairs and pulls a drill from his belt, to the KND’s horror:
>Up in the rafters, two large green eyes were watching.<
No one was sure how the disembodied eyes had gotten up there.
>It's now or never! thought their owner. And if there's one thing I'm never nervous about, it's fighting!<
“That and macramé.”
>As Knightbrace laughed, he never imagined that another enemy was aiming a kick for his face. Thus, when a figure leapt down from the ceiling and knocked him prone, it came as a complete surprise.
"Okay Knightbrace," said the figure. "Let's see you pick on someone your own size!"<
When he went over and started taunting the mummy, she realized that she could have phrased that better.
>The Girls were shocked into awareness, and the operatives were just as amazed. They didn't know who this character was, but she was clearly not human.
About five-foot-six and female in shape, she resembled nothing less than a humanoid cat with a shining white coat of fur. Her head was entirely, cat-like, except for a long mane of blonde hair. Her eyes were large, slited, and green, and her teeth were slightly fanged. She had a long tail, and no clothing to speak of except a fancy gold necklace, but that hardly mattered.<
BLATANT THEFT ALERT! Does this sound familiar? If it does, you’ve seen the old Dexters Laboratory segment “Justice Friends”. This is White Tiger with a sex change and a blonde wig!
>"You want them," she said. "You're going to have to play with me first!" she said. She reached out with her hands, and long claws sprouted from them.
"Well, this is unexpected," said Knightbrace. "But I'll take you down too, kitty!"
He removed his headgear and hurled it at the creature...
But she deftly caught it in midair. She bent it in half and dropped it on the floor.<
Consider this to stand for the rest of the fight – Snowball (like it’s a surprise who this is) basically stomps Knightbrace over and over just to make clear that Brian’s original characters are OMG AWESOME.
Also:
>But when he tried to fire again, he found that his toothpaste reserves were empty.
"Aw," said the cat. "No more buwets?"<
I told you that line would come back. It’s no less irritating than before.
Snowball finishes using Knightbrace as a demo piece for “Why Nobody Can Defeat a Brian Corvello OC” and he surrenders. After the KND secure him, the PPG note that they’ve had bad luck with mutant cats:
>"Yes, I know Girls," she responded. "A while ago you encountered an evil kitten who brainwashed your father into doing his bidding. That fiend was a stain on all feline life.
"And as for the adult thing, Numbah One... I'm only four years old..."
"Huh?" they all said at once.
"Well, in human years, admittedly," she said. "In cat years, I guess that makes me about... twenty-eight. But I hate conversion years! I'm four years old! Four calendar years!"<
Actually, the cat-to-human conversion rate is closer to four-to-five years. So she’d be more like twenty.
>"Look," said Bubbles, "do you have a name?"
"The only name I've ever had was the one that the Professor gave me," she said. "Snowball."
The Girls stared in surprise.<
“Oh, crap, you’re another OC, aren’t you?”
The team return to their transport for an exposition session. SCENE CHANGE to Snowball eating as she explains how she got shoehorned into canon. TIME FOR BACKSTORY!:
>"When you first met that evil kitten," said Snowball, "there was a very good reason why the Professor didn't want you to keep it initially... it brought back a painful memory... memory of a pet who had run away...
"It all began before you three were even born. As you know, Professor Utonium had a mischievous lab assistant, a monkey he named Jojo, who would one day become your archenemy Mojo Jojo...
"But he wasn't the Professor's only companion.
"He also had a pet cat, a white cat named Snowball, whom he adored. That cat was me.<
Notice the contrast here. Unlike Jojo, whom we were shown in canon to be a thorn in Professor Utonium’s side, Snowball was THE PERFECT LOVED PET.
>Jojo hated me back then, always playing cruel pranks on me, stealing my food, booby-trapping my litter box..."
"Eww," said Numbah Four.
"Here we go, tuna," said Numbah Five.
"Thanks," said Snowball. "Anyway, the turning part in my life came about three months before you Girls were born. <
So in other words, in a part of the timeline conveniently not shown in the flashback episode.
>Jojo and I were in the Professor's lab while he was at the store, when Jojo played his meanest prank yet. I do believe he wanted to kill me that day.<
“Why, it gave me the vapors.”
>He grabbed a bottle of a chemical, and threw at me from a shelf above.
"I would later learn that what he threw at me was none other than Chemical X.<
I’d make a comment here, but canon shows us that the Professor really is that careless with volatile chemicals. That’s why the PPG exist.
>"I was soaked with the stuff, and it burned! I had never felt such agony. Feeling sure that I wouldn't survive, I fled from the house. The Professor never knew what became of me."<
I haven’t seen that episode in years, but I seem to recall Jojo turning into Mojo Jojo with minimal trouble. And of course, the Girls just poofed into existence. I get the feeling Brian only did this so we could have a OH THAT POOR LITTLE KITTEN moment.
>"Poor kitty..." said Numbah Three.<
Yeeeeeeeeeeeep.
>"That night was a long one. I curled up in an alley, almost sure that I wouldn't live to see morning. The pain was great, but I also felt woozy, and I soon fell asleep.
"When I woke up, I was alive... and then some. I found that I had doubled in size! Also, my front paws had turned into hands, ones with opposable thumbs.
"But this was just beginning. It was slow, but over the next month, I continued to grow, and change. My mind changed too... I was getting smarter. I hid in alleys, learning how to talk by observing people. Like any alley cat, I survived by catching mice and eating leftovers. After a month, I had assumed the form you now see.<
Jojo transformed instantly. Care to explain the discrepancy, Brian?
>"Three months after the accident, I tried to go back to the Professor's house, and when I peeked into his basement window I saw it... I saw the three of you being created. I watched for several days, how the Professor now had daughters to care for.<
Oh. It’s to explain why Snowball is conveniently not part of canon. I could play a drinking game with the convenient events in this backstory, but I’d rather not have to stagger home tonight.
>"I tried hard to hate you at first, feeling jealousy... but instead, I slowly started to develop love... sort of seeing you as kindred spirits. I decided to make it my career to watch you, and help out when I could..."
"Help out?" said Blossom.<
Brace yourselves, folks.
>"Yes," she continued, "but my first attempt was a failure. As you know, when Mojo Jojo enacted his first master plan for world dominance, you foiled it, and sent him to prison... but as you also know, no prison can hold him for long. When he first escaped, I confronted him in his lair, determined to destroy him for good.
"He recognized me immediately, and was very happy to see me... as if. When I attacked, he got the drop on me and blasted me with a powerful weapon. Thinking I was dead, he flushed me into the sewer...
"But I wasn't dead. Mojo had only destroyed one of my nine lives. With eight remaining, I knew from that point on, that if I was to help you, I'd have to do so carefully, from the shadows."<
…I would compliment Brian on actually having her fail miserably instead of some sort of “THE ONLY REASON YOU CAN BEAT MOJO IS BECAUSE OF ME” idea, but this is just to make us lower our guards.
>"I've tried my hardest," said Snowball. "Your names are on dozens of hit lists. But I learn about every planned assassination and take down the would-be attacker by ambush long before he or she can strike. I get the information any way I can, through favors or intimidation, and often through deceit – I've gained a few connections. I've snuck into Mojo's and Princess's lairs several times and sabotaged their best equipment before they have gotten a chance to use it. A hundred times now, I've taken care of disasters that you would have had to take care of if I hadn't gotten to them first – saving you time and hopefully injuries. Few people even know that a cat-lady exists in Townsville... I've never been truly seen undisguised by anyone whom I target until it's too late, and when the police come for them, they never want to admit that a cat took them down."<
And there we go, folks. It’s worse than just “YOU COULDN’T BEAT MOJO WITHOUT ME”. No, the only reason the girls can do anything is because Brian’s magical catwoman is sneaking around and doing all the hard work for them.
…Did Brian even realize what he was doing? By having Snowball run around without the PPG knowing it and softening up all the villains and hitmen, he’s basically saying, “The canon heroes! Ha! Losers! They’re only alive because my OC is the REAL hero!”
I used up all my rage on Lotus, so I’ll just give this one some cold hate and the Evil Eye.
>"And if they did, who'd believe them?" said Numbah Four.
"Exactly. Princess and Mojo have suspicions, but they haven't caught me yet.
"In the meantime, I've kept busy. I taught myself how to read using discarded newspapers and old books. I have enough survival skills to live off the land. But all this time, I've wanted with all my heart to actually meet you... I was just too scared of being rejected..."
"Snowball," said Bubbles, "we aren't like that!"<
“We’re full of hate, but we’ll at least hate you to your face!”
>"Why would we have rejected you?" said Buttercup.
"I'm a five-foot-six humanoid cat," said Snowball. "Certainly I'm not something the average person sees every day. And you make your living fighting monsters..."
"We've seen stranger," said Blossom.<
“We’re kindergarteners with Superman’s power set. We are stranger.”
>"If I may chime in," said Numbah One.
"Yes?" said Snowball.
"Seeing as you are only four calendar years old, despite appearances (there are no rules on Global Command's books for animal conversions), and you did save us from Knightbrace, I'd like to extend my thanks... I hope we can consider you a potential ally of the Kids Next Door."<
I’ve seen the sequel. She becomes a KND agent. If you’re thinking the sequel is shaping up to be even worse than this, you’re getting the hang of Brian Corvello’s work.
Also, how do you talk in paratheses?
Snowball finishes her tuna and slinks back into the shadows all angsty-like:
>"Think we'll ever see her again?" said Blossom.
"I'd say there's much more of a snowball's chance," said Numbah One.<
SCENE CHANGE to Knightbrace contacting the Delightful Children:
>"You mean to tell us you couldn't handle a cat?" said the Delightful Children.
"This was a BIG cat!" said Knightbrace. "A big cat who talks! She calls herself Snowball, and she's helping the Powerpuff Girls!"
"That is indeed unfortunate," said the Delightful Children.<
“It’s an OC. We may not survive.”
The Delightful Children destroy Knightbrace’s phone, effectively firing him for his failure.
SCENE CHANGE to their mansion:
>In their manor, the Delightful Children paced. Finally, Cree and Mojo walked in.
"Very well," said Mojo. "I have done my part, and I can only assume that it is time for this armor-clad teenager to reveal her plan for actually making it work, because there is only so much I can do towards making it work."
"Don't worry, Mojo," said Cree. "Tomorrow, we start a plan that will put the respective thorns in our sides out of our misery once and for all!"<
Big words, but I doubt it.
Snowball: bringing the Terrible Brian OC Count to 2.
