Emperor Uriel Septim VII: I was born 87 years ago. For 65 years I've ruled as Tamriel's Emperor. But for all these years I have never been the ruler of my own dreams. I have seen the Gates of Oblivion, beyond which no waking eye may see. Behold, in Darkness a Doom sweeps the land. This is the 27th of Last Seed; the Year of Akatosh 433. These are the closing days of the 3rd Era, and the final hours of my life.
I hate that spoiler tags apparently don't work in the liveblog system. Oh well, spoilers ahoy! If you want to watch the opening before we get into things, you can do so here
Oh my god my dreams are messed up. Have I been wanting to kill the Emperor? I must have, because what do you know, I'm in prison. I can't even remember my name, time to think of something awesome to call myself... I shall call myself... Lord Death Firedoom. Yeah... that's awesome.
Oh my god, I can't believe that fit.
◊ I need to experiment with longer names.I see that asshole Valen Dreth across the hallway. I hate that prick. He's always going on about how "I'm getting out of here in a few weeks but you're going to be all dead 'n' shit." Blah blah blah. Man, if I ever break out of here, I'm going to come back and kill that jerk. Probably with something enchanted. Maybe he'll catch fire when I do. That'd be just the most pleasant thing ever. Oh great, he's started up again. Something about me never swimming again. Hey now, racial stereotypes that suggest my race are nothing but amphibious waterdwellers is just... okay it's one hundred percent true, but I still think Dreth's a jerk.
By the NINES, he will not. shut. up. ever. And this is why I hate elves.
Well, actually, I hate everyone. That's probably why I'm here... I hear voices.
No really, I hear voices coming down the hallway. It sounds like some Imperials and... Is that the Emperor? Oh god oh god oh god. I've got to repress my natural urges to kill the guy. Quick, think about killing Dreth.
Okay, I'm better now. And apparently I'm not supposed to be here, and this cell is supposed to be off limits blah blah blah who freakin' cares, The Nine-damned Emperor is waltzing into my cell like it's nothing. Okay, act cool, you can do this Firedoom, you can do this. Just act like you don't notice and it'll all...
Emperor Uriel Setptim VII: You... I've seen you.
DAMMIT. He's got my scent now. This is almost as bad as being caught having sex with several women in the middle of the Merchant District. Man, I hope that's what I'm in here for. That would be frickin' amazing to brag about. "Oh hey, what're you in for?" "Having a Nine-damned orgy in the middle of town and not giving a rat's ass about it." "Daaaaaaaamn."
Yeah, that'd be BOSS.
Yeah, going to be using some less than fantasy-ish slang. Like I said, I'm going for silly, not serious.Oh wait, The Emperor's talking to me. He's going on about how I was in his dreams or something, which brings up a rather large amount of questions. I probably shouldn't ask them with these armed guards just standing here. You know how slap-happy some of those legion types can get. "Accidentally tried to break into someone's house eight times? STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM."
Okay, so big man on campus finally shuts up and WHOA. There's been a door there this entire time. I could've just waltzed on out of here at any moment. Man, I need to learn to poke every brick in every house EVER. You never know what's going to be in there. Oh well, looks like it's time that I got pardoned.
Don't mind me, heavily armed personal bodyguards, I'm just going to sit back and let you guys do all the... oh.
Some guys in some freaky looking armor come out of nowhere and kill the broad with them. Oh well, I won't miss her. She was kinda frumpy. I'll just try and [trip] ow.
What the hell are people just leaving OH MY GOD IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
◊ Don't get me wrong, the dinky shortsword would've probably got me out of here without any problems, but this is an honest-to-god katana! It's like all of my horrible, insensitive-to-sentient-life prayers have been answered.
And then those jerks just decide to leave me behind... great. Wait, what's that crumbling noise?
It's a rat! I hate rats! It also doesn't make me feel any better that it broke down a stone wall to get to me. Fine then, Worthy Opponent, we shall do bat... it's dead. This katana rules.
So apparently there's a cave system beyond here and hello bow and arrows. I'll be taking those and... are those some lockpicks I spy? They are! It's almost as if this place was set up to facilitate my eventual escape. Awww, they're all rusty. This is no good, I'll have to get another one. I guess it'll do for now.
Okay, gotta keep moving if I want to get out of here, which I do. I haven't finished doing all the incredibly exorbitant things I want to do, like buying stupid armor for a horse I'll never ride.
Okay, locked door, I can do this. All I gotta do is slide this lockpick in here and... oh, here's the key. Convenient.
Oh boy, more rats. I shall use this problem-solver I know as a bow and fire some problem-solving arrows into those problem-causing rats. That'll learn them some manners and IS THAT A ZOMBIE? I knew it. They were keeping us in the prison because the apocalpyse has started and we're infected. That means Dreth's a zombie and I'd be doing him a favor by coming back to kill him. That sucks, I wanted it to be vengeful. Ah, I don't know, maybe I'm just thinking to far into it.
Just a little further, I think. At least I'm not having to crawl through sewage to get to the outside world. That would be both unsanitary and a bad alternative to just waiting to die. I don't want elf shit on me.
And suddenly goblins. Great. I love goblins. I love them almost as much as I love Dreth. That's a shame, I'll just have to use my kickass archery skills to pin some of these jerks to the wall and THAT ONE SHOT LIGHTNING AT ME. Man, if ANYONE's going to shoot FRICKIN' LIGHTNING at anything, it's going to be ME, dammit! That's a bad goblin, trying to usurp the overlord. When I get out of here, I'm going to genocide me some goblins. Y'hear that you dead jerk? Because of your impertinence, I'm going to kill your entire race. Okay, so we've got some more lockpicks, some more arrows, it really is like my birthday!
Oh hey, I can see that pale blue light that's indicative of the catacombs I could've been walking through earlier if those asshole Blades hadn't told me not to follow them. Oh... they're here too.
◊ Fantastic.
And here comes the Emperor and his dreams again. He asks me what sign I was born under... this guy is totally hitting on me. I really just... what? I mean, he's running for his life, yet he can find the time to try and hook up with some male Argonian prisoner boo-tay? This guy clearly doesn't have his priorities in order, like at all. Oh well, I guess I'll tell him. I was born under the sign of the Thief, because I'm a damn Ninja. I actually death-punched my way out of the spawning pool. It's true, I'm just that amazing. I was basically a tadpole with a fist for a head, and that's why I don't have any family.
Emperor Uriel Septim VII: The signs I see show the end of my path...
Oh fantastic, he's going to get all mopey because some stupid stars told him he was going to die. C'mon now, you're, like, nearly ninety years old. I could've told you that you were going to bite it soon. Oh hey Bau... Bow... Baw... guy. What's that? You want me to carry a torch? Hell no. Y'see, that torch is symbolic. I'd be carrying your pampered asses out of here if I carried that torch. I'm not anyone's lapdog, okay? I do what I want.
Well, this room is particularly quiet, What's-his-face wants to check for traps. I could probably do it better, I mean, is there not a thing on this planet I can't do? Probably not, I mean, I am pretty awesome. Looks like that door is locked, but I'll wait for Doctor Blade-guy's diagnosis... what do you know, it's a trap. See, this is why I didn't assassinate the Emperor. I would've just run up to him somewhere and stabbed until my stabbing arm got tired. Then I would've switched arms. Bau... Baw... Boo... that jerk just put me in the same room with the Emperor. It's like they want him to hook up with me, because we all know he's just going to ask me some other question about myself, I mean... oh he's dead. Well, okay, let's take care of the guy who's trying to put sword marks in my sexy face. That shouldn't be too hard, I mean look at him, he's just the same as every other cultist I've come across in here. Bam, dead. God I'm awesome.
Oblivion Crashed right around here, forcing me to play back up to this point.Oh come on, now, Baa... you. Buck up, the Emperor told me that there was one final bastard child of his somewhere around here. Look, he even gave me the Amulet of Kings. It's worth a lot, so it might not get to where it needs to go, but it's safe with me. At least until I sell it, anyway.
He wants to know my job... Well, truth be told, I used to be a bum before I got sent to prison for what I presume was either mass murder or that one crazy orgy in the streets. I'll just go with what sounds coolest. Let's see... Archer would be pretty cool, because I like shooting stuff, but maybe... Ooh, I know! I'll be an Assassin! Assassins kick ass, and so do I, it's like I was made for that job.
Baa Baa black sheep thinks he wasn't that far off. Let's be fair, he wasn't. He just went for petty non-violent thief, whereas I am clearly a metal ultraviolent thief. Anyway, I've got his key now, I should get out of here before the legion notices that I'm gone. Okay, right through this door and we're home... in the sewers. Dammit, I wanted to get through here without having to crawl through sewage! Now I'm going to get out of here smelling like the collective ass of everyone in the Imperial City. This day sucks, well sort of. I mean, on one hand I'm getting out of prison, on the other I just got hit on by the now-deceased Emperor, who told me to go find his son, and now I'm trekking through the sewers, The Nine are laughing at me right now. Well, at least this little expedition was short, there's the exit. Time to taste the sweet air of free... SWEET MERCIFUL NOCTURNAL MY EYES! I haven't seen daylight in months! It's like I'm seeing burning!
Okay... okay... just gotta let my eyes adjust... I'll just sit down here and wait it out...
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