Hello. It’s me again. The ‘square’. And…I’m scared. Really scared. I’ll tell you why, of course, but it’s probably best if I talk about the events that led up to it. Let you know that I’m not some psychopath.
So I get in the elevator, and just like last time, and all the times before that, there’s a lady telling me that I should do five things to change my life. But this time, I start to actually consider what she’s been saying. Five things…if all I need to do is change five things about my life to get out of this rut, it doesn’t sound all that bad. I try to talk myself out of it, wondering if the change will be worse than the monotony I’ve become accustomed to throughout the years. But I realize that I don’t have to do everything at once. I can take it as slow as I want to, and it doesn’t even have to be a drastic change. As the elevator descends, I come up with a list of constants in my life that I could probably change if I try.
- I always put on the same suit, and blend in with my colleagues at work. I don’t think that I have a different outfit, though…maybe just go in my underwear? That…sounds stupid. Like, really, really stupid, even in a dream. If I decide to do that, may as well save it for last.
- I always rush right to the parking lot. Granted, I’m told I’m late for work, but it’s not like my job’s on the line for a single bad day. Maybe I should try walking to the subway for a change.
- When I drive to work, the only time I stop is if the car in front of me puts on its breaks. Maybe I should put on the breaks and explore a little? …Actually, it sounds stupid to walk out in the middle of traffic. Hopefully I’ll come up with a better idea later on.
- Whenever I reach my workplace, there’s that tree with the single orange leaf fluttering in the wind. I always wonder if it’s going to get blown off, but since I’m so close to my destination, I always hurry on ahead without finding out the answer.
- The dream always starts over when I get to my cubicle. But what if I went beyond that? At the end of the hall, I can see a door leading to the roof; it’s not real, but perhaps stepping out for some air would do me a world of good.
The elevator doors open, and I’m outside again. I decide that I should try out some of the things I’ve come up with, and improve my life…tomorrow. Today, I may as well go to work. Better to do this whole ‘life-changing’ thing when I…no! I warn myself that if I don’t start now, I’m going to have this same dream every day for the rest of my life! Besides, it’s just a dream…one where I’m aware that I’m not awake, but a dream nonetheless.
Still, I decide that I should probably start small, just to be on the safe side. First the parking garage…then the road to work…then the rush inside…then the boss…and then ‘the walk’. But I don’t want to stop at my cubicle this time. For once, I want to keep walking. I always come to work and go straight TO work. I never take breaks, or socialize…though all of the ‘me’ clones seem too focused on their own jobs to talk to me. But I want to…pardon me if I wax poetic, or whatever the phrase is, but…I want to break free from this cruel and unforgiving cycle of alienation and labor. And if that can be done by stepping outside and enjoying the view for once, so be it.
So I get to the roof, and…wow. Just, wow. All the years I’ve worked in this building, and I never realized just how much you could see from it. It was really quite exhilarating, looking down from above and marveling at all the things we’ve done in the world. Curiosity gets the better of me, and I approach the guardrail to get a better look. But then, it feels like something takes control of me. I set down the briefcase I’ve been carrying all this time, not giving a care if it landed in seagull droppings or what have you. I climbed on top of the guardrail, and then I extended my arms. You want to know what happened next?
I jumped.
I don’t know what came over me. But it happened. And right before I hit the pavement, I was back in my apartment. And now you know why I’m scared. Why did I do it? Was the monotony really so soul-crushing that, in that instant, I just wanted to get away from it and end my miserable existence? I just don’t know.
…But it’s just a dream, right? A dream that, for once, wasn’t the same as every other dream I’ve ever had. And it was…well, interesting, to say the least. I decide that, next time I dream, I’m going to make another change and see how it feels. I just hope that I don’t die next time. After all, I have too much to live for in real life, and I don’t want some nightmare to convince me otherwise, right? …Right?
