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Live Blog Let's Watch BlackWolfe Watch ''Hawk the Slayer''!
BlackWolfe2010-12-10 18:22:10

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Artie is told of A HERO!

Voltan calls out to his masters for help. Jack Palance is such as Large Ham it makes his scenes almost watchable. His eye does not heal. Even the demon he works for can do nothing for it.

I think they're implying here that the demon is torturing him For the Evulz and isn't even trying to heal him, but if so, they're failing at conveying that. Instead, we get magical Lazik surgery.

The terrycloth nuns prayers are interrupted by Voltan. Voltan repeatedly refers to the abbess as "Old Woman" despite being almost twice her age. And Artie falls victim to Voltan's throwing dagger. It's a wonder the man carries a sword around at all, he uses the dagger so much. He kidnaps the Abbess.

Voltan: Go tell them for 2000 pieces of gold they can buy her freedom!

He then demonstrates what will happen if the ransom is not paid: he cuts a loaf of bread in half with his sword. So, if they don't pay the ransom, he'll... cater their next meal?

At this point, my roommate walked in and refused to help me pick this movie apart because "it's too easy, I want a challenge." Fucker.

Artie advises the Sisterhood of the Towel to pay the ransom, but the Church has decreed that no ransom will ever be paid for anyone of their order. Artie decides to go for help, and is sent to the Holy Fortress to speak to the High Abbott.

The Holy Fortress is an obvious, though not bad, matte painting. The High Abbott is vaguely familiar, but refuses to pay because SLIPPERY SLOPE!

However, he says there is one who could help, who has helped in the past, and gives Artie a token to give to the person, who we are unsurprised to find is Hawk.

We cut to Hawk, riding at a very slow pace through woods filled with fog, stage swamp, and a snake that's probably one of the producer's pets. He hears a scream, and the next scene is so EPIC that it gets its own update!

Next: Hawk rescues a woman who could only be brought into this movie blindfolded.

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