With trembling fingers, I take Silverado out of the DVD drive, and put in the abomination. The computer monitor looks at me, unblinking, daring me to watch. DVDPlay freezes. I start to smile. It unfreezes. Flashes black, then white, twice, and I begin to think the movie is so bad it killed the computer.
Then... A copyright warning. Seriously? I mean, I noticed one on the back of the DVD case, but... if I had the copyright to this movie, the last thing I would do is defend it, because that means I would have to admit owning it.
The menu offers "Play Feature," "Scene Selections," "Trailer," and "Photo Gallery." I know I promised to blog the credits, but the trailer has got to come first.
Voltan: You've found the power which is... ... ... ...rightly mine!
(I put that sad face in there, but the only way to truly represent the way Jack Palance mugs in that scene is .[ which is the awesomest smiley ever and I will use it from now on when I am being upset.)
Narrator: (about Hawk) He had a secret weapon: the ancient power... of the Sword of Mind.
Okay, guys? About this "secret weapon" thing? It's only a secret if he hides it.
Voltan: The-last-thing-you-will-ever-see-is-the-woman-you-loved! In my arms.
.[ Even Jack seems to be rushing to get this shit over with now.
Witch: (whispered, like all her lines) I am ready.
I am not.
OHGOD, CROW'S HORRIBLE JUMPCUT ARCHERY IS FEATURED IN THE TRAILER!
Narrator: Two brothers. Two armies.
Wait, are we talking about the same movie here? I don't remember much in the way of armies, thankfully.
Narrator: Voltan's army: the Devil's army. And Hawk's.
Again with the screaming Hawk. Even the logo is horrified by this shit.
Wait, they're counting the witch as part of their army? I don't... wait... um... Oh god, I just remembered the magic missile scene, somebody shoot me now.
More jump-cut archery. With the crossbow, it isn't as noticeable, but, damn, couldn't they have hired Mike Jittlove to add some motion blur to Crow's hands or something?
Oh, look, they're showing the magic missile scene.
Narrator: Two blood brothers with only blood between them.
Holy SHIT, that is a much better tagline than "Two brothers locked in deadly combat till the end of time."
And checking the "Photo Gallery" shows a bunch of stills from the movie. That's it. Because we just watched the only promotional material this movie deserves.
Next: BlackWolfe runs out of ways to stall and actually starts the movie.