It's time again, my dear friends, it's time to come face-to-face with the Dark Yagami saga, a fanfic so infuriatingly lazy I can't even be arsed to tell you how lazy it is, but I will continue, flag raised high and beard curling against the oppression of bad prose. Today is the time I say "Fanfic.... WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?" Give me a chapter or two more and I'll break out the Giga Snark Breakers. Yeah yeah, on to the chapter itself. This chapter is called "After Night comesTHE DAWN" So, either I've lost track entirely, or there's a new sub-par original character coming up. The author's notes is fairly calming though... oh who am I even kidding? THIS IS THE 30 CHAPTER SO I BEEN WORKING ON IT EXTRA LONG FOR YOU! IT TOOK LIKE A HOLE AFTERNOON TO WRITE SO IT WILL BE GOODER THAN NORMAL! "Gooder than normal" doesn't really say much when it comes to this fic, kid. Well, let's get to it.
The story begins with Sachiko, who apparently have found herself in a noir film of some sort. Just dig it: It was a rainy day and hot and windy and dark and lights mom was walking down the street and smoking and drinking whisky like a defective dude from an old film. Everything was black and white and gray in bits and all the traffic lights looked the same so cars were crashing everywhere I'll just assume Sachiko got herself a "Noir Note" for now and make the best out of everything. Anyway, Sachiko knows that L isn't L (He's K, as the author so helpfully reminds us,) but that the precise details was something only THE BRIANEST DUDE IN THE WORLD. could work out
So, once she's back home, she tells her two sons, Dark and Light, apparently Day is no son of hers, genetics be damned *, that "L" isn't L, but someone else. Their reply? "K mom." Dark sed. Wait... was that clever? Was that the author actually being a little clever? Bu... buh... buh... uh... No, that's impossible. Let's just move on. Anyway, Dark feeds Blud a Blood banana MADE OUT OF BLOOD and notes that even the two smartest dudes in the world couldn't figure this out alone. Christ.. you could try checking the facts FIRST and then give up, guys. Night, however, is back and she has an idea. "COME TO THE CLONING MACHINE BROTHER!" (AN: SEE THE ORIGIN OF DAY YAGAMI FOR THE DEETS OF THE CLONING MACHINE BUT BASICALLY IT'S A MACHINE THAT MAKES CLONES!) Oh... fuck. That said, thanks for reminding us of the insanely stupid reminder, author, it'd be a shame if we'd forgotten THAT stupid plot element, especially when it is as complicated as it is.
So yes, Night and Dark apparently plays mad scientist, as they combine their DNA with lion DNA... well, that won't be a short-lived abomination of nature, not at all. Well, for some reason, they use Light's DNA first, but the mere thought of having the choice between the DNA of two TWINS and their female clone and actually choosing is a bit... yes. Anyway, let's just move on. The Light clones all die because Light's DNA who is, lest you forget, is Dark's identical twin, apparently sucks compared to Dark's completely macho and awesome DNA. Anyway, the machine explodes, creating lighting bolts that reanimate the Light clones as zombies.
Yeah, I know, just roll with it, our heroes face down the zombies in the best action scene since the corridor sequence in Oldboy. Check it. Dark did a clothes line and like twenty lights got hit and their heads went everywhere and bounced like the nerfs. One hit night so she hit with a baseball bat and it killed like a hundred more lights and she got a home run but they came back to life so dark had to punch them all out again because night was just a girl and girls cant kill zombies except some can like in resident evil. But Night cant okay! So why can't girls kill zombies again? Because the plot says so, I'm guessing. I mean... it's not like she's too weak, she kills them, but the zombies have Damage Reduction 50/Males, apparently.
Well, once the zombies are dead, the final, actual clone emerges. He had claws like a lion and hair like a lion and teeth like a lion but the rest of him was normal except the tail which was also a lion. He was a dude like Dark but he had Nights mowhawk and tattoos. So I guess this is the creators fursona? Or the creator's chance to demonstrate that he understands about as much about DNA as he does about writing? You decide. The creature, yet again having a fully formed personality, language and what have you, introduces himself. I am the clone of Dark and Night and I am the double smartest dude in the world! And my name is…….. DARKNIGHT YAGAMI (Get it? It's a joke cos he likes batman!)! So, how's that for characterization people? Well, I know, I know. Even the characters doesn't like the name, which is pretty bad. They call him Dawn instead... yeah, that's so much better.
So far, I know I've been emphasizing Dawn's Marty Stuness, but another one can't hurt, mostly since you just have to read this for yourself. This is about Dawn's clothes He wore a suit like james bond and two robot ties that could be tied together to make a sword that could cut anything. His shoes were black and shiny and they had heels that were fishtanks with fish in them so if he was trapped in a box and nothing to eat he could eat the fish. Right, well, Dawn also instantly knows what the deal is, because he GTAs himself a truck and heads to the police station. Right.
So, back in Wales *, Watari is approached by "L" who is carrying, for some reason, a laser gun. They hug, as one is want to do, and K tells Watari that he'll shoot him, with the aforementioned Laser Gun, if he moves. Despite Watari complying, K shoots him, not perforating himself because he has a bulletproof vest that interestingly enough also stops lasers. Amazing, isn't it? That's it, Watari dies and K goes to America.
Back in the states *, Dawn barges into the police station and into the mourge, where the creepy chick is. Wait, "she" died? I'm guessing that's implying he is who K killed? Does any of this make sense? In the author's head at least? I dunno. Anyway, Dawn's attempt at interrogating said chick falls flat as the creepy one is... well, dead. Dawn, however, has a plan. Since he doesn't know the Creepy One's name, he just can't Life Note him back to life. Dawn, however... takes a page from the light note and puts it in the Royal Death note and... I know I'm abusing this, but just read it. A big rainbow blasted out of one side and an antirainbow with all the evil colors like brown and evil yellow explosioned from the other and the rainbows rapped about Dawn and all his blood became magic! He grew like a mushroom in a mushroom farm and then he was shinigami except he was a clone so he became a double-shinigami. One side of him was good and the other evil and they were green and red like traffic lights and the good side had the word good written on him in Japanish. The evil side needed to stay hidden so that said good also.
Yes, another Shinigami Marty Stu, aren't you glad you're still with us, dear readers? Well, Shinigami!Dawn writes "Creepy Chick" into the Life slash Everything Note, and the chick comes back to life, as an actual chick this time, despite originally being a dude... now that's hilarious. The creepy ex-guy isn't bothered, though, as she doesn't mind being a girl now, especially if there's some sexing to be had from Night. Night sets up the condition that she must tell them what's going on, though, she agrees, but before she can get anywhere, the chapter ends, and the author takes us home with I WILL STOP HERE FOR NOW! BECAUSE I HAVE TO WORK OUT WHAT THINGS TO EXPLAIN. I HOPE THIS WAS GOOD THOUGH BECAUSE THERE WAS SEXINGand ACTION! AND ALSO SOMETHING HAPPENED.
Heh... hehehehe... hehehe... ok, I'm all better now, I'm good, this is the Dark Yagami the way I like it, moronic MartyStus, cheap "sexing" and so blatant author appeal that it hurts. It hurts, but it hurts so good. Seeya in the next chapter folks.
