Mush-Rumors
We begin somewhere in the countryside with a little girl asking the immortal question, “Are we there yet?” A family is on a trip to “Wild Waldo's One of a Kind Amusement Park.” I should note that this is a “Real World” family, and they are in the “Real World.” They drive into a tunnel, and we hear the classic Mario “go into a pipe” sound effect. The station wagon then drives out of a very large sideways laying pipe in the Mushroom Kingdom. So, somehow, the people who built the road had to construct a tunnel, but apparently never realized it lead into another dimension? How is that even possible? Maybe they did realize it leads into another dimension, but they never bothered to do anything about it? The mother points out the funky scenery and asks where they are. The father answers, “We're not in Kansas anymore. Maybe we're in Iowa.” The boy looks out his window at the typical Mushroom Kingdom landscape and declares, “This is cool!” The girl looks out her window, which is still showing Kansas countryside, and declares, “This is freaky!”
The dad takes his eyes off the road for a second and smashes right into a pile of blocks that are smack dab in the middle of the road for some reason. Instead of coming to a stop like any normal person, the dad keeps driving, even though smoke is now coming out of the hood of the car and blinding him. The car nearly runs over a mushroom citizen fishing by a river, and crashes into another wall of blocks at the river's edge. Who gave this guy his license? While the dad is trying to fix the engine, the mushroom guy sees him through the engine smoke and immediately assumes he's an alien from another planet. He then runs off screaming “The aliens are coming!” No way is this guy jumping to conclusions.
Not far off, Hip and Hop place a mirror up to a wall, hoping to trick someone into thinking there isn't a wall there and running into it. Wouldn't painting a tunnel on the wall be better? The kids aren't even that confident in their plan, thinking aloud, “Is anyone dumb enough to fall for a prank like this?” We get a scene change, and watch as the mushroom guy from earlier bounces off an offscreen object and falls to the ground. I guess someone was dumb enough to somehow not notice their reflection and smash into a mirror. Given that it's this guy though, I can't say I'm surprised. Hip and Hop show up to gloat, as is Koopa custom, but the mushroom guy just screams about aliens, saying that they have four eyes and breath fire. I think we just found the stupidest character to ever appear on this show. Hip and Hop take the guy at his word and run off.
At Kastle Koopa, the twins run into Bully and inform him of an alien invasion. Bully then tells the same thing to Kooky, who tells Bigmouth, who tells Kootie Pie, who tells dad. Oddly, no one bothers to tell Cheatsy. Thing is, every time someone gets told what's going on, the one telling the story makes it more ridiculous than the version they had heard, till Kootie Pie's story involves spaceships and lasers. Koopa decides to attack the aliens before they get attacked. Have these guys had an alien problem before? Because no one seems to question the fact that there are aliens invading. I guess there was that one time in Mario & Luigi: Partners in Time.
Back in the Mushroom Kingdom, pretty much the same thing is happening. The idiot Mushroom shouts “alien” at one group of people, who all run off screaming at more people. This thing spreads faster than the plague. Finally, Mario and Luigi arrive on the scene and point out that no one has actually seen any of these aliens. The idiot mushroom then runs up and tells of the hideous thing he saw that had, wait for it... hair! Yeah, hair sure is gross right Mario? Mario concludes that these aliens are from the “Real World,” because there is so much travel between there and here in this show.
The Doomship magically appears in the sky over the Mushroom Kingdom, and Koopa orders the ship to open fire on the station wagon. How did they know where the station wagon was? All they ever heard was “aliens!” Mario and Luigi arrive on the scene and realize that, yes, the aliens are just humans. Though they are technically from another dimension. At least I think it's technically another dimension. The Marios move in and take a raft off the top of the car and put it in the river. Then they push the car onto the raft and float downstream. Mass? Buoyancy? What are those? The Doomship continues to fire, managing to miss with every bullet bill and bob-omb. Despite their poor aim, the crew aboard the Doomship can see the “aliens” clearly, and assume they've disguised themselves as humans to trick the Marios into helping them. I swear, these people... Koopa fires chain chops into the water, and their blocks sink to the bottom while the heads eat away at the raft and the car's tires, while the song “Frog Suit” plays. The brothers dive underwater and find a chest. Mario sifts through a bunch of junk, including one of Toadstool's dresses, until he finds a pair of frog suits. At this point the chain chomps are trying their darndest to pull the car to the bottom of the river, but are having a hard time because it's so buoyant. Guys? Listen to me carefully. Cars do not float! Mario leaps out of the water and breaks three blocks with one jump, discovering a starman in the process. He then easily defeats the chain chomps and the car floats to the surface. Unfortunately, Koopa nabs the whole car with a big ol' magnet and flies away.
Back at Kastle Koopa, the scaly family is trying to interrogate the “Real World” one. The mom tells Koopa that, if he is Wild Waldo, then his amusement park sucks. Kootie Pie whines to dad that the aliens aren't changing back to their true form. Kooky happens to have an invention that will read their minds. Then they'll know their invasion plans and they can use them to conquer the Mushroom Kingdom. So we cut to the lab, where the family is wearing a bunch of contraptions on their heads. Kooky gets a readout from his machine just as the Marios break down the castle wall with raccoon tails. They fly in and turn off the machine, then free the family. Kooky appears to have vanished from the scene by this point, as he doesn't do anything to stop them, nor is he shown running away. Mario says they left the station wagon running so they can get away quickly. Dude, that car was underwater, you'd be lucky to get it running in a week.
The family drives the car back through the warp pipe to Kansas. The idiot mushroom from earlier sees the car leave and begins running around screaming “The aliens are gone!” Well, at least he's good for something. Back at Kastle Koopa, King Dad is ready to use the alien invasion plans himself, but Kooky informs him that the family really were “Real Worlders.” Koopa asks who started the rumour that they were aliens, and all of the kids point at each other. Back in the “Real World” the little girl asks “Are we there yet?” Both dads finish by facepalming.
The Trojan Dragon
We begin this episode in a cave, where a nerdy dragon named Stoop attends to a golden dragon egg, coaxing it to hatch. Dragonlord comes running in, and in true villain fashion begins berating his subordinate. He demands to know why the golden dragon hasn't hatched, but the little guy says there isn't enough heat to hatch the egg. Have you tried using a funeral pyre? It worked for Daenerys Targaryen. I should probably take this opportunity to properly introduce our villain for this episode. Dragonlord
◊ is a big red dragon who appeared in the season one episode “Three Men and a Dragon.” That episode and this one are based off the game Dragon Warrior, the American name given to the first game in the Dragon Quest franchise. In that game, Dragonlord was a wizard who turned into a dragon halfway through the fight with him, or was slain and then had his pet dragon step up to avenge him. It depends what version you're playing. According to the narrator however, this episode is set on a world called “Dragon's Den,” which, based on the establishing shot, is a red coloured planet. Stoop has a brainstorm and plans to steal the Sun Stone from The Palace of Power to hatch the egg. I'd like to point out that this is the first and last episode that will ever make mention of the Sun Stone.
At the Palace of Power, we see Simon try to show off his whip skills as Game Boy spawns gerutas from his screen. Kevin then tells Game Boy to give him five. So Game Boy shoots five 5's at him. That's not him being cute, that's apparently exactly what Kevin wanted. Game Boy is also plugged into a wall socket because it will be a plot point in a minute. Stoop shows up with two other dragons and has them burn through a big thick cable that's hanging up near the top of the palace. This causes the lights to go out and Game Boy overloads, spewing out more gerutas for some slapstick with Simon. Mega Man gets a jetpack and flies up to see what the problem is. As he does, Stoop's two friends fly in the same door Mega Man just came out of and soon fly out again with a glowing sphere. Then, instead of making a clean getaway, Stoop stops and in a shot where they aren't carrying the Sun Stone, orders his friends to shoot fireballs at Mega Man. Then they fly off and Mega Man is left knowing exactly who they are and what they were doing. We cut to the assembled N Team where Game Boy announces that because of the power surge he has enough power to power the Palace's defense systems for twelve hours. I don't know what defense systems they're talking about, because bad guys have been able to come and go from the palace as often as they please.
Back on Dragon's Den, the sun stone is placed next to the golden egg and the egg begins pulsing. The Sun Stone itself looks kind of like a globe with the landmasses glowing a bright gold colour. Dragonlord is stoked that the egg is going to hatch soon, so he tells Stoop to summon all the dragons from Dragon's Den to his mountain. He intends to conquer Dragon's Den as soon as the egg hatches.
In another part of the world, The N Team, sans Game Boy, arrives. The group are immediately attacked by a group of slimes. Even if you know nothing about Dragon Quest, you're probably familiar with the slime.
However, these slimes
◊ look nothing like that. The slimes attack by spitting acidic, well, slime, that melts the boulders the N Team are hiding behind. Between Mega Man's not-megabuster and Kevin's zapper, they get rid of the slimes and pick up some coins they leave behind. Up above them they can see a huge flock of dragons all flying towards Dragonlord's place. Well, I say dragons, but it's really the same guy drawn over and over again. Kevin decides to enter Dragonlord's mountain by building a Trojan dragon. He specifically mentions the Greeks entering Troy via a wooden dragon. He also specifically states that their dragon should be made of wood. Kevin, do you think maybe you could build it out of something a little bit less flammable? Lana says that Hyrule has a dragonwood forest, so they should build it there. Not sure what dragonwood is, or why they want to build their dragon out of it. Kevin puts Simon in charge of building the dragon and goes off with Lana to get equipment.
In Hyrule, we see Mega Man pulling the bark off a tree, saying it looks just like dragon's scales. Well, that would explain the name. We see Link and Zelda helping out with the construction, and they mention that Simon left to go get more branches. Not sure how far he needed to wander off considering they're in a forest. Simon, being Simon, manages to walk backwards and stab his butt right on the pointy corkscrew end of a moblin's weapon. The moblin chases him and Simon manages to run right into a giant spider web. This moblin looks much shorter than the ones shown in previous episodes, only coming up to Simon's waist. Simon calls for help and Link shows up to begin fighting the moblin. In a stunning display of, I'm not sure what exactly, Link jumps into the air and cuts off a tree branch. That tree branch falls on the moblin's head like a bucket and he wanders into a tree where he zaps out of existence. Simon looks up and sees a giant spider, no doubt the owner of the web he's stuck in. Zelda then arrives on the scene and kills the spider with one shot from her bow. Simon then crawls out of the web with no problem, begging the question why he needed help in the first place. As production on the dragon continues we get a building montage set to “Into the Mouth of the Dragon.” I have no idea if this is a sound-alike of another song or is an original.
On Dragon's Den, Kevin and Lana arrive at a shop that's sold out of everything except some fairy water. Seems everyone has heard about Dragonlord getting his army ready to attack. Don't worry though, we won't see any of these people helping our heroes. For some reason, the shopkeeper decides Kevin is prime hero material and gives him a map that leads to a flame sword and a silver shield, guarded by an axe knight. Did he think no one else would want the map? We just saw a guy in armour walking out of the shop, so maybe Kevin's the first guy to pop by with the owner's stock empty and he's just taking pity on him. Kevin and Lana show up at said cave, and the axe knight walks out to greet them. Kevin shoots him to no avail, but Lana spots a treasure chest behind the knight, so Kevin uses his D pad to zip underneath the knight. Before he can open the chest, the knight had already turned around and swung again, missing Kevin, but putting a hole in the chest. Kevin decides to stop fooling around and pauses, not by pressing the select button, but the B button. Kevin grabs the sword and shield and unpauses as he exits the cave, leaving the axe knight confused.
Back on Hyrule, the dragon is finished, complete with a furnace, pedal powered wings, and most importantly, a fold down ramp in its crotch for easy access. Mega Man gets to peddling and the dragon takes off with Simon at the helm. Link and Zelda have finished their part for this episode so they get left behind. At the rendezvous in Dragon's Den, Kevin and Lana are waiting for the others. The dragon then flies by and splashes down into a lake. When the dragon pulls itself back onto land, the crotch ramp opens and Simon rushes out to kiss the ground. Kevin decides to take over control and they fly to Dragonlord's mountain. Upon arriving, they overhear Stoop telling a guard that they're planning on hatching an invincible golden dragon. They decide to mingle with the other dragons while Simon stands by stoically with a bucket on his head. A guard stops them and Kid Icarus takes over the dragon's voice to try and talk their way out. Dragonlord is nearby, watching other dragons on the firing range, and calls the N Team dragon over, assuming he's old and therefore experienced. Kid Icarus stokes the fire enough for the dragon to burn the target to a cinder. Kevin and Lana depart again, leaving Simon in charge while they look for a way into the castle. Wait, castle? You're in a mountain, where did you guys see a castle?
Kevin and Lana rush out the crotch ramp and somehow aren't seen by any of the other dragons. They rush down a corridor and come across a door in the shape of a dragon's head whose jaws are opening and closing at an incredible rate. They talk about how they have to time it exactly right even though Kevin can stop time. When they do decide to jump through, the dragon jaws conveniently move much slower than they were a second ago. They then try to float across a lava lake using Kevin's gamepad, but it runs out of power and Kevin drops the sword and shield just before they fall into the lava. Thankfully the pair land on the shield, which apparently floats in lava. The group are able to use it to surf across to the other side. Unfortunately, the fire sword is forgotten about and left to sink to the bottom of the lake.
We cut to the N Team dragon flying through the air while other dragons flick boulders at it with their tails. Simon and the others haven’t been discovered or anything, apparently this is just how dragons get ready for a battle. Simon however has had enough and puts the dragon on the ground. Just as Dragonlord is praising the great flying, Simon opens the crotch ramp and runs outside to kiss the ground again. Dragonlord has the group picked up and calls for the golden necklace. This cursed golden necklace is a magic artifact that can change its size to fit anyone. Only way to remove it is with good magic. The golden dragon is designed to only attack the wearer of the necklace, which actually makes him only so useful if you have to put the necklace on all your targets.
Dragonlord has the three hung up in another spider web, this one hanging right above the chamber with the Sun Stone and the golden egg. Kevin and Lana hear the cries for help and arrive just in time to see the egg hatch into an adorable little dragon. Simon retorts, “You mean that's what all the fuss is about?” thus tempting fate and causing the golden dragon to pick up the Sun Stone and grow into a fully mature and huge dragon that breaks through the web. Simon and the others fall to the floor and everyone starts running. They somehow make it all the way back to their dragon without running into anyone, and take off.
The golden dragon bursts through the floor and we get a shot of the N Team dragon up against the background used for shots inside the wooden dragon. As the N Team dragon flies by we see that the golden dragon is large enough to swallow the wooden dragon whole. Dragonlord shows up and is thrilled that the golden dragon is up and about. Lana then remembers Dragonlord mentioning good magic can remove the cursed necklace, despite her not even being there for the conversation. She uses the fairy water from earlier to remove the necklace from Simon's neck. Kevin pilots the dragon right over Dragonlord and Simon dangles from a rope ladder through the crotch ramp. He throws the necklace onto Dragonlord, where it attaches to his neck. Now with the golden dragon targeting him, Dragonlord freaks out. The fairy water then falls from the wooden dragon and Dragonlord catches it. I'm not sure if the water fell by accident or if one of the N Team threw it to him. Dragonlord uses the water to remove the necklace, then throws it at the golden dragon. As soon as the necklace touches the golden dragon he disintegrates. The N Team dragon flies by, catches the Sun Stone and flies away. When Dragonlord realizes he just destroyed his own dragon, he completely flips out and begins pounding on his head. With the Sun Stone in hand the N Team flies their dragon off into the sunset.
The Ugly Mermaid
Right away we're treated to Koopa's newest toy, the Doomsub. A hunk of metal that looks like a big red plesiosaur with horns. Koopa wants to use it to take over the underwater city of Metropolis. Underwater? Dang, Superman messed up big time. Hip and Hop point out that they're being followed by Mario, Luigi, Toad and Toadstool, who are all wearing frog suits. Koopa orders rocky wrenches to pop out of portholes and throw, well, wrenches at them. I'd like to remind everyone that this is all taking place underwater, so how the Doomsub isn't flooding via the wrench's portholes is beyond me. Also, have you tried throwing a wrench underwater? Not dangerous. Mario and Luigi each catch a wrench out of the air, er, water, and throw them at the Doomsub's propellers, breaking them and causing the sub to spin out of control. Koopa then has the sub start firing lasers in random directions. The lasers hit some blocks and cause them to sink, but when Mario dives in front of a laser headed for the princess, the laser hits him, somehow encasing him in a block of cement, and he starts to sink.
As Mario starts his trip to the bottom of the ocean, a merperson comes out of a warp pipe and answers Mario's call for help. She announces her name as Holly Mackerel, the Mermaid Princess of Metropolis. She says mermaid, but this isn't the human-on-top/fish-on-bottom kind of mermaid. She and all her kind look much more like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Everyone enters the warp pipe and end up inside Metropolis, which is located under a large glass dome. Holly sticks a fishbowl filled with water over her head and announces that she can't breathe air. Okay, Holly? I've got a question. Why is your city filled with air if you can't breathe it? Holly makes it clear that she thinks her new friends are genuine frogs. She also helpfully points out that no one can see clearly with a fishbowl over their heads. No kidding.
Mario is broken out of his block of cement and has the water pumped out of his lungs. Once Mario is breathing again, Holly makes it plain that she has the hots for him. Seems a fortune teller told her she'd marry a frog prince, and she thinks that's Mario. Mario responds with “Holy Mackerel,” and Holly corrects him by saying that her name is Holly Mackerel, not Holy Mackerel. This is actually the second time they've used this gag, but I didn't include the first instance because I was hoping we'd never hear it again. No dice though. Mario doesn't like freaky fish ladies, so he hops away and Holly chases after him. Mario hides among a bunch of statues, one of which Holly mistakes for her lovely frog, at least until she gets right up to it. Mario tries to let her down easy, then hops away towards the warp pipe. Problem is, as soon as he enters the water-filled pipe he starts flailing about and hops out again. Seems nearly drowning left him with a bit of a water phobia, which is understandable.
Outside, Koopa has pulled out a bullhorn and is shouting that he will destroy the city in twenty minutes unless they surrender. I'd like to point out that he is holding a bullhorn while on the bridge of a submarine which is underwater. I know water carries sound very well, but I don't think Koopa's threats would get through. Just then, King Mackerel appears on the scene, and upon recognizing Toadstool and the others, he promptly asks to be saved. Toadstool, Luigi and Toad hop in the warp pipe, but no matter what he tries, Mario's just too afraid to get wet. Suddenly, a pair of boomerang brothers pop out of the pipe and start throwing their boomerangs around. Toadstool announces that, “Koopa's invading Metropolis,” despite the fact that it clearly hasn't been twenty minutes yet. Also, I don't think two people count as an “invasion.” Mario defies physics by grabbing onto a boomerang as it sails past him and riding it back to the brother who threw it, knocking him out. More boomerang brothers show up, but Toad and Toadstool throw what I guess is supposed to be coral at them. The coral pieces are all in the shape of doughnuts, so they all go perfectly over the boomerang brothers' heads and pin their arms down. Mario and Luigi then hop over and knock them all down.
Despite the first wave not going so hot, Koopa threatens to keep on attacking. Realizing that he wouldn't be much help in the water, Toadstool decides to leave Mario behind and take everyone else to stop Koopa. Holly arrives and somehow mistakes the warp pipe for Mario. The king shows up and talks to Mario, showing that he can see just fine despite the fishbowl on his head. Holly then declares that she's going to marry Mario, picks up the poor sap, and carries him off.
Hip and Hop spot the good guys approaching, and Koopa fires off a series of nets at them. Oddly, they act like regular nets when they hit Toadstool and the others, but when the nets hit inanimate objects they flash yellow as if they're electrified. Inside the city, Holly announces that she's going to invite all of Mertropolis to her wedding. Wait, Mer-tropolis? That is not how you people have been pronouncing the word up until this point. You were all very clearly saying Metropolis. With Toadstool and the others caught in nets and dangling from the Doomsub's horns, we see Koopa observing Holly and Mario through a periscope. He responds by blowing a hole in the dome, causing water to spill in. As water begins to run down the streets, the people all run away fearing they'll drown. ... The what? You people breath water, not air. You can't drown! How do you people get through your day-to-day lives if you're literally too stupid to breathe? You know what Koopa? Destroy the city and everyone in it. You'll be doing us all a favour.
With things looking dire, Mario decides that he can't afford to be afraid anymore and hops into action. As “Never Kiss a Mermaid” plays, Mario fixes the hole in the dome, frees Toadstool and the others, and with Luigi's help, nets a swarm of jelectros and hurls them at the Doomsub. The sub gets a heavy dose of high voltage and swims away. Back in Mertropolis, (the king even calls it that so I'm going with that, plus it makes way more sense,) Holly puts a fishbowl on Mario's head as part of the wedding proceedings. However, as soon as she sees his distorted face in the bowl, she immediately proclaims him the ugliest thing she's ever seen and says she can't marry him. Mario then happily hops into the warp pipe with Toadstool and the others as they swim back to the surface.
“Mush-Rumors” was not one of my favourite episodes growing up. Looking back on it it's very clear that there was a sale on idiot balls before filming began and every character but the Mario Brothers grabbed one. “The Ugly Mermaid” is even worse. There's a city in a dome filled with air under the water, but everyone who lives in it wears a fishbowl on their head because they can't breath air. By comparison “The Trojan Dragon” is a huge step up. In fact I'd say it's one of the better Captain N episodes despite it having so much Simon in it.
