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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 11th 2012 at 9:22:52 PM
So, Ci-L is just... in the class now? No, like, backstory or anything? No Tookie reacting to finding out, yeah, she's being tortured and mistreated? She's just... there now? ...Yeah.
Gante Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 11th 2012 at 9:59:32 PM
Ewww, I just had an awful thought. That bizarre thumb-sucking scene might be a sort of PG-rated blow job.

DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 12th 2012 at 12:53:11 PM
The scene with Bravo is extra nasty for me because I can't stop picturing him as Johnny Bravo. I want to sue Tyra Banks for murdering my childhood. I really wish the story would go back to Myrracle and the cool people making their way through the divide.
Jergling Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 14th 2012 at 1:25:56 PM
I still don't get that thumb thing. What could he have possibly expected to do by sticking his thumb into her mouth? If she had wood chips in there, she could have spit them out.
Sharysa Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 14th 2012 at 6:16:11 PM
"You will learn how to use words to convince, to charm, to soothe, and to strike and DESTROY the arguments of anyone standing in your way! And I don't mean the way thespian dames do, ladies, just reciting lines from cue cards and crying on command. I mean doing so with Modelland CONVICTION!"

What.

Actors do not use fucking CUE CARDS. THEY MEMORIZE THE ENTIRE FUCKING SCRIPT. If there is still a book in your hand after one week, guess what? YOU ARE FIRED AND REPLACED.

FDKLSAJVKLFDJASBHIJIEORAHNKLD;AKLBVCSL;DJFAKGIADFLNKB
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 15th 2012 at 7:18:58 PM
I just realised something. Part of the reason why Tyra made this world heavily dependent on fashion and models and adding the overtone of actress rascism is that she is trying to make job look awesome.

This obviouslyis going terribly.

Also these classes suck. So far, They have nothing interesting in them. At least the classes in Hogwarts have some sort of importance due to the fact that both aspects of of society are seperated and magic has been around long enough to know these things. Here, in this pathetic waste of a book, the classes have practical job/life skills.
Sharysa Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 18th 2012 at 9:59:34 AM
What makes it even worse is that one of my friends is a model/aspiring actor, and the parts of his work that he tells people on Facebook is REALLY interesting. Modelling is very much like acting, since you audition in and have to wait a few weeks praying desperately to get the job, but even more of your first impression is staked on a good photo/headshot and instead of going to rehearsals, you go to photoshoots.

He also pokes fun at the dumb-model stereotype and the gay-male-model stereotype, and his most recent photo-shoot ended up giving him food poisoning. Also, he took up modelling due to long-term body issues. Literally every other Facebook status has him complaining about his diet/appearance/how he wishes he had my inability to gain weight, and I'm always a little worried that he means it.

I see none of this in Modelland.
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