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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 1st 2011 at 7:40:45 PM
Presumably, with the name Tookie, Tyra Banks was looking to make a... shall we say, callipygian impression. Instead, all together, it feels more like "pasty white fatty ass."

Where the hell is Gowdee, anyway?
ShieldOfDoom Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 1st 2011 at 9:38:16 PM
I can't get over the "feet the size of snowshoes." She should barely be able to walk with those!
snowfoxofdeath Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 2nd 2011 at 3:03:50 PM
Is it just me, or does "Theophilius Lovelace" sound like a Shout Out to Xenophilius Lovegood?
SapphireBlue Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 2nd 2011 at 3:13:28 PM
This book sounds horrible. D: Good luck with the liveblog, though - should be plenty to make fun of.
Nyarly Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 2nd 2011 at 6:52:12 PM
When I first heard of this book (which was just some minutes ago), I just thought "...what?". Now, I'm thinking "WHAT THE FUCK?".

But it's grade A snark bait and I think I'll follow Ass Cream's "adventure" further.
MrAHR Since: Dec, 1969
72.200.79.116 Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 5th 2011 at 4:56:54 PM
Bonus WTF: Methane gas is actually odorless. It needs sulfur compounds added in to have any smell at all.
Neo_Crimson Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 10th 2011 at 9:44:09 AM
I think Tyra Banks is trying to make her own language. And failing. Seriously, this book looks like the ramblings of an unmedicated schizophrenic.
68.5.145.53 Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 24th 2012 at 2:22:55 PM
well i absolutly lovvved!!!! the book modelland!!!!!!!!

68.5.145.53 Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 24th 2012 at 2:26:59 PM
the person who said she shouldnt b able to walk with tht size feet...its called a metaphor, u should really do more research before critisizing the way tyra banks writes

ElmeraMidas Since: Dec, 1969
Jun 14th 2012 at 8:53:04 AM
That isn't a metaphor. It's a poorly executed simile.
KhymChanur Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 23rd 2013 at 12:29:37 AM
eyes "three centimeters too far apart"

Is that even possible without a person having a congenital deformity? I mean, wouldn't that place her eyes nearly in her temples?
sailoralkaline Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 10th 2016 at 11:37:21 AM
SMIZE is Tyra's stupid way of saying "to smile with your eyes". I know this because ANTM is my guilty pleasure.
Nop666 Since: Dec, 1969
Dec 13th 2019 at 2:23:49 AM
For those unfamiliar with Metric, 3cm is more than an inch, so yeah, we\'re talking about a major deformity here. Imagine Dren from Splice, only even wider: https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fi.ytimg.com%2Fvi%2F2g7MZJfmBA4%2Fmaxresdefault.jpg&f=1&nofb=1
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