| 1 | [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/experiment-log-914-hub The testing logs for SCP-914]] are by ''far'' the most extensive on the entire SCP Foundation wiki, so naturally, there are a lot of hilarious moments with the Clockworks… especially since [[{{Troll}} it seems to be screwing with the people testing it on purpose]]. |
| 2 | |
| 3 | ''Because of the sheer number of entries, all tests on this page will be identified with and sorted by their test number, as shown in the experiment logs on the SCP Wiki.'' |
| 4 | |
| 5 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 6 | |
| 7 | [[folder:General]] |
| 8 | * [[TooDumbToLive Researcher Isaac Darby]] generates a new CMOF (and [[AmusingInjuries a new grievous injury]] and [[DeathAsComedy dead D-Class]]) every time he shows up. [[note]][[EscalatingPunchline Eventually.]] His first several appearances are far more mundane (he's subject to a minor HumiliationConga and has law enforcement come looking for him, but is otherwise treated largely like any other tester in his first several appearances); he first shows up in the 0200-0299 experiment logs, but doesn't truly become a RunningGag until midway through the 0400-0499 logs. Even more amazing, he doesn't die and lasts all the way to session 1521 before he is transferred.[[/note]] Other researchers who become {{Running Gag}}s include Dr. Calloway (who is relentlessly {{troll}}ed), Dr. Nukea (who has a bizarre obsession with ''[[Film/SeventeenAgain2009 17 Again]]'', to the point where it becomes an OverlyLongGag (and SCP-914 quickly gets sick of dealing with him)), Maintenance Technician Johnson (who SCP-914 ''tries'' to be nice to, [[UnwantedAssistance but ends up doing so in a way that breaks Foundation protocol]] [[note]]and in one case, makes him into a GaryStu (which he doesn't appreciate)[[/note]], and it also [[CargoShip possibly has a crush on Johnson]]), and Professor Wren (who SCP-914 develops a fondness for, but [[TheGadfly it still isn't above screwing with her from time to time]]). |
| 9 | * As the logs go on, SCP-914 takes a liking to some researchers and a disliking to others, and there starts to be a level of consistency to what each researcher gets. This reaches a head when Professor Wren (one of the researchers that SCP-914 ''likes'') keeps getting outputs that are related to the number 19, causing everyone to suspect that something big (and probably bad) will happen on her 19th test. [[AntiClimax The actual result of her 19th test?]][[labelnote:Test #]]0725[[/labelnote]] |
| 10 | -->"[[ParanoiaGambit Paranoia test concluded.]]" |
| 11 | [[/folder]] |
| 12 | |
| 13 | [[folder:Unsorted]] |
| 14 | * The researcher behind this one should be thankful that it didn't turn out worse: |
| 15 | -->'''Items Used''': One (1) block of concrete, 12x one (1) foot lengths of steel rebar, One (1) can of Krylon brand spray paint, One (1) picture of SCP-173\ |
| 16 | \ |
| 17 | '''Input''': Contents stated above\ |
| 18 | '''Setting''': Fine\ |
| 19 | '''Output''': Thirty (30) miniature replicas of SCP-173, all animate and extremely [[strike:cute]] hostile[[note]]but unable to harm anyone because they are too small[[/note]]. They cannot move within direct line of sight. Objects are reported to attack by bumping into the legs of personnel and are extremely resistant to being moved. |
| 20 | * Fun with alcohol. |
| 21 | -->'''Name:''' Agent Smithers\ |
| 22 | '''Date:''' 8/19/████\ |
| 23 | '''Total Items:''' Two (2) bottles of mass-produced supermarket beer and two (2) bottles of microbrewed, hand-crafted beer.\ |
| 24 | \ |
| 25 | '''Input''': One (1) bottle of high-quality beer.\ |
| 26 | '''Setting''': Very fine.\ |
| 27 | '''Output''': A small glass orb filled with a glowing gas. Mass is identical to the beer bottle. Later testing revealed that physical contact with the orb produces an inspirational effect on the subject. D-8742, upon contact with the object, requested a sheet of paper, which he folded into a paper [DATA EXPUNGED].\ |
| 28 | ''Update: It's been five months since D-8742's termination, and that thing is still in the air. Possible SCP classification?'' |
| 29 | * A little bit of Fridge Humour: If you put a copy of ''VideoGame/ETTheExtraterrestrial'' in 914, and set it to Fine, it returns a boxed copy. As in, [[TakeThat it's better as a collector's item or shelf decoration than as a game]]. |
| 30 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]1504[[/labelnote]] [[Webcomic/{{Homestuck}} =>914: have fun with Magic 8-Balls.]] |
| 31 | -->Input: One magic 8-ball\ |
| 32 | Setting: 1:1\ |
| 33 | Output: A physically unchanged magic 8-ball. The output hurled itself out of the output booth at ██ km/h straight at JR Boneka, who reflexively caught it in her hands. Upon catching the object, the phrase “SWEET CATCH!” was vocalized from the 8-ball. Aside from this, it still functions like a standard magic 8-ball. No further changes are noted.\ |
| 34 | [[/folder]] |
| 35 | |
| 36 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 0100-0199]] |
| 37 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0109[[/labelnote]] SCP-914 does not appreciate tax forms. Inputting an IRS 1040 form on "Fine" results in the SCP using all the blank space available on the paper to curse out the concept of taxation in five different languages, and putting in the form on "Very Fine" produces a tax form filled out by [[UsefulNotes/{{Caligula}} Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus]]. |
| 38 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0111[[/labelnote]] This bit is an amusing piece of MundaneUtility... well, "utility" might not be the right word: |
| 39 | -->"Yes, I've been playing TabletopGame/{{chess}} with 914. Yes, I'm aware it's supposed to be non-sentient, but that hardly explains why it's winning." [[labelnote:Note 1]]The observant chess players among you might notice that 914's opening two moves is a clear attempt to play a Scholar's Mate.[[/labelnote]] [[labelnote:Note 2]]Later tests (mainly Test #0921) indicate that SCP-914's ELO is somewhere between 500 and 800, so Professor "Q" apparently [[{{Noob}} stinks]] at chess.[[/labelnote]] |
| 40 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0112[[/labelnote]] A print of ''[[TheTreacheryOfImages Les trahison des images]]'' by René Marguite inserted on Very Fine becomes a blank piece of paper that makes everyone who sees it believe it's a pipe. The paper is destroyed by a doctor who sets it on fire thinking he's lighting a pipe. |
| 41 | * SCP-914 is not a fast food station: |
| 42 | -->'''Test 914-0116'''\ |
| 43 | '''Name:''' Dr. ██████\ |
| 44 | '''Date:''' ██/██/20██\ |
| 45 | '''Total Items:''' Three (3) sheets of 8.5x11 in printing paper with varying instructions\ |
| 46 | \ |
| 47 | '''Input:''' A sheet of 8.5x11 in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████\ |
| 48 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 49 | '''Output:''' A single sheet of 8.5x11 in paper, with the words “I would like a Whopper. No Ketchup, No Mustard. Small order of onion rings, and a medium Coke”\ |
| 50 | \ |
| 51 | '''Input:''' A sheet of 8.5x11 in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████\ |
| 52 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 53 | '''Output:''' A stack of US counterfeit currency, composed of standard paper and printed with #2 pencil lead. The currency totals to the exact cost of the requested order, plus tax.\ |
| 54 | \ |
| 55 | '''Input:''' A sheet of 8.5x11 in printing paper with the instructions “I would like a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. No pickles, no onions. Large order of fries, and a medium Pepsi” handwritten in #2 pencil by Dr. ██████\ |
| 56 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 57 | '''Output:''' A single sheet of 8.5x11 in paper, with a series of symbols inscribed upon it which do not correspond to any known system of writing. Subjects viewing the symbols describe a sudden and intense desire for a cheeseburger. |
| 58 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0118[[/labelnote]] Having already made SCP-427 in an earlier test, SCP-914 once again proves itself capable of producing SCP-classifiable items: |
| 59 | -->'''Input''': 1 (one) ██████ brand 'Super-Duper Bouncy Ball'\ |
| 60 | '''Setting''': Very Fine\ |
| 61 | '''Output''': One ball, that appears unchanged from the input. There is, however, a difference in its [REDACTED] properties, exhibited when dropped by Dr Brown. [[HyperDestructiveBouncingBall [REDACTED] forty five casualties, twelve injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] forty-five casualties]], and reached escape velocity. Currently thought to be orbiting Mars.[[note]]These are essentially the same qualities as SCP-018, though perhaps to a lesser degree.[[/note]] |
| 62 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0124[[/labelnote]] Applying 1:1 to the [[MadeOfExplodium Samsung Galaxy Note 7]] results in... a grenade. |
| 63 | -->''Note from Dr. Sutherland: I did this out of curiosity and because I wanted to prevent my phone from exploding in my pocket. Apparently SCP-914 has a sense of humor, and keeps up with current events.'' |
| 64 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0129[[/labelnote]] One test creates a miniature copy of SCP-682 made out of cooked bacon. It's still [[AbsoluteXenophobe hostile to all forms of life]] like the original, but it's unable to hurt anyone because it's five inches tall and made of bacon. A request to classify the statue as [[{{Pun}} SCP-682-BAC]] is denied. |
| 65 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0133[[/labelnote]] After 914 produces a legitimately-fortune-telling Magic 8-Ball, one of the doctors decides to consult it: |
| 66 | -->''Note: I asked it if I would have any girlfriends for the next two years. The answer is more depressing than I thought. - Dr. Wittig'' |
| 67 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0134[[/labelnote]] Putting a stress ball in SCP-914 turns out to be a terrible idea: |
| 68 | -->'''Input:''' One (1) of the above-mentioned "stress balls"\ |
| 69 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 70 | '''Output:''' [[strike:An unaltered stress ball.]] A stress ball that, at random intervals between a minute and five minutes in length, hurls itself at the face of the person in closest proximity to it. If the face is covered or otherwise protected, it will alternatively aim for the stomach [[GroinAttack or crotch]]. Object secured and destroyed.\ |
| 71 | ''Note: I'm guessing [[LiteralGenie it took the idea of a "stress" ball very literally]]. Ouch. - Dr. Hadian'' |
| 72 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0136[[/labelnote]] Apparently, 914 hates crosswords, despite its questionable sentience: |
| 73 | -->'''Input''': An unsolved crossword puzzle\ |
| 74 | '''Setting''': Fine\ |
| 75 | '''Output''': A brief typed letter requesting the meanings of various short phrases. Examination shows that they line up with the "clues" given in the crossword.\ |
| 76 | \ |
| 77 | '''Input''': An unsolved crossword puzzle\ |
| 78 | '''Setting''': Very Fine\ |
| 79 | '''Output''': [[RageQuit A crumpled-up piece of paper. The output was launched at high velocity and trailed smoke.]]\ |
| 80 | ''Note: Yeah, I never really liked those things, either.'' |
| 81 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0147[[/labelnote]] After a speaker turns into something that [[SensoryAbuse loudly]] (150db, [[BrownNote more than enough to deafen people]]!) blasts whatever the person has in mind: |
| 82 | -->''Note: I can't believe the last thing I ever heard was Barry Manilow. [[TakeThat We couldn't have found a D-Class with better music taste?]] -Dr. Maguire'' |
| 83 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0155[[/labelnote]] SCP-914 + Skateboard Wheels = Bad Idea: |
| 84 | -->'''Input:''' One (1) wheel (green)\ |
| 85 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 86 | '''Output:''' One (1) bearing, suspended by an invisible outer wheel of unknown material. Although invisible, the outer wheel physically exists and appears to use higher-dimensional translations to redirect the force of gravity and propel the object forward at at about half the speed of free fall. The wheel can be easily stopped at low speeds, but gains momentum quickly while unhindered. Prospective researchers should note that under the influence of gravity, the wheel will always retain a 1/4mg horizontal force, even while at rest.\ |
| 87 | \ |
| 88 | ''Note 1: And they say you can't reinvent the wheel. - Dr. Collins''\ |
| 89 | ''Note 2: Following [[TooFastToStop the collision of a Class-D personnel with Dr. ████ at ██ mph]], [[WhyWeCantHaveNiceThings all human testing has been suspended until Dr. ████ can come up with a procedure that isn't idiotic]].'' |
| 90 | * Poor, poor Dr. Mason; just when he thinks he’s made a breakthrough… well, just read for yourself. |
| 91 | -->'''Test 914-0159'''\ |
| 92 | '''Name:''' Dr. Mason\ |
| 93 | '''Date:''' 07/06/2017\ |
| 94 | '''Total Items:''' Five (5) realtime location beacons, standard Foundation issue.\ |
| 95 | ''Note: The area above and around SCP-914 was set with receivers before this test. In this test, all directional notation is relative to the central "Intake" and "Output" booths, i.e., a subject standing at the mainspring is facing "North".''\ |
| 96 | \ |
| 97 | '''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\ |
| 98 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 99 | '''Output:''' Small amounts of various scrap metals and other composite materials of tracking beacons.\ |
| 100 | '''Path:''' Within the first 0.15 seconds, the signal was traced to move 3.41 meters "North" before turning exactly ninety one (91) degrees. Signal was lost after another 0.3 meters.\ |
| 101 | \ |
| 102 | '''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\ |
| 103 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 104 | '''Output:''' One (1) tracking beacon, with battery and transceiver unit removed. No other visible damage.\ |
| 105 | '''Path:''' While again initially traveling "North" for 3.41 meters, the tracking device remained functional for almost twice the amount of time as the first trial. This path appeared to follow the outer edges of the rectangular main body of SCP 914 before the signal was lost.\ |
| 106 | ''Note: I wonder if there are set paths that each setting follows. - Dr. Mason''\ |
| 107 | \ |
| 108 | '''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\ |
| 109 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 110 | '''Output:''' One (1) unlabeled tracking beacon consistent with those used by Canadian counterterrorism groups.\ |
| 111 | '''Path:''' "North" for 3.41 meters. Signal then moves towards one of the "Southwestern" outer segments of SCP-914, where it repeatedly follows an equilateral triangle for 0.13 seconds before losing signal. Analysis of received signals shows a new signal retracing a path back to the booths.\ |
| 112 | ''Note: Seriously, though. What is that first bit Northward for? I've checked the recordings, it does that in every test. [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Every. Single. One.]] - Dr. Mason''\ |
| 113 | \ |
| 114 | '''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\ |
| 115 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 116 | '''Output:''' One (1) apparent tracking beacon, components consistent with Foundation-specific requirements. Tracking beacon is smaller than standard, with certain unknown components. Testing revealed it to be fully operational, although signal was lost mid-test, as the output ran a different operating system.\ |
| 117 | '''Path:''' "North" for 3.63 meters. "South-southeast" for 0.7 meters. Accelerates in the opposite direction for four (4) meters before signal cutoff.\ |
| 118 | ''Note: So, I was talking to a colleague about my testing, and they said that the Fine output sounded familiar. Turns out the smaller beacon and the new OS are both prototypes right now. Guess we end up using them. - Dr. Mason''\ |
| 119 | \ |
| 120 | '''Input:''' One (1) tracking beacon\ |
| 121 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 122 | '''Output:''' One (1) thin strip of translucent film, shown to be attachable with static cling. Discovered to be remarkably resilient for its size when D-1126 tore a fingernail pulling it off of the wall of the Output Booth. Currently unreadable.\ |
| 123 | '''Path:''' "North" for 3.41 meters. Subsequently appears to reach all parts of SCP-914, although high speeds prevented receivers from accurately tracking the path.\ |
| 124 | ''Note 1: Well, that was disappointing. At least I got a strip of fancy tape. Hopefully I'll be able to get something out of the prior results. - Dr. Mason\ |
| 125 | Note 2: So, turns out if you let that tape stick itself to your hand, you can draw the paths of whatever it recorded. You also draw a legend, and what appears to be a menu screen. I'm going to try to get this put onto a D-Class to preserve my wrists. - Dr. Mason\ |
| 126 | Note 3: Wow. So, not only did the new tracker record its own movements, it somehow recorded ALL of the movements. Of EVERYTHING that 914 has worked on over the last 3 months. [[TemptingFate I think I've finally gotten 914 to work with us]], albeit with a lot of analysis involved. This is amazing. - Dr. Mason\ |
| 127 | Note 4: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]. [[YankTheDogsChain I thought it would make sense for ONCE.]] But no, [[{{Troll}} it had to be messing with us again]]. One of my interns - [[FreudianSlip sorry, Junior Researchers]] - found out that, if you superimpose all the paths from the tracker, you get a 3D image of the Foundation logo. It's pretty for art drawn in GPS, but [[ShaggyDogStory it still makes this whole project meaningless]]. Piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] doesn't follow set paths. [[HeroicBSOD It does whatever it wants.]] - Dr. Mason\ |
| 128 | Note 5: Dr. Mason [[RageQuit has been placed on psychological leave due to apparent stress]]. Junior Researcher Chen has taken over. Analysis of the object paths taken will continue. - O5 Command'' |
| 129 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0181[[/labelnote]] Dr. Hertz put in a CD of his own self-recorded guitar music set to Very Fine. The machine returned a CD with silent tracks and copies of books for beginner's singing, songwriting, and guitar playing. Dr. Hertz [[CantTakeCriticism did not take kindly]] to the implication of being a DreadfulMusician and had to be dragged out [[DisproportionateRetribution when he attacked the machine]]. |
| 130 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0185[[/labelnote]] An attempt to analyze a computer virus known as "Creeper" doesn't go as planned. |
| 131 | -->'''Input:''' Creeper source code on USB drive.\ |
| 132 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 133 | '''Output:''' A metallic figure, [[VideoGame/{{Minecraft}} green in color and vaguely phallic]]. The object self-destructed upon being removed from SCP-914, in a manner comparable to a commercial firework. The remains have shown no anomalous properties.\ |
| 134 | ''Note: Well, that was anticlimactic. - Dr. Manheim'' |
| 135 | * SCP-914 doesn't think highly of Nazis. |
| 136 | -->'''Test 914-0189'''\ |
| 137 | '''Name:''' Researcher M. Inselmann\ |
| 138 | '''Date:''' 04/12/2018\ |
| 139 | '''Total Items:''' Three copies of 'Literature/MeinKampf,' by UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler. Text in the original German.\ |
| 140 | \ |
| 141 | '''Input:''' A copy of Mein Kampf\ |
| 142 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 143 | '''Output:''' A book titled 'How to Make Friends, Influence People, and then Murder Them,' subtitled 'How to be a Dickhead for Dummies.' Text mostly consists of [[ClusterFBomb hyperbolic German profanity]].\ |
| 144 | \ |
| 145 | '''Input:''' A copy of Mein Kampf\ |
| 146 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 147 | '''Output:''' [[TakeThat A pile of ashes.]]\ |
| 148 | \ |
| 149 | '''Input:''' A copy of Mein Kampf\ |
| 150 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 151 | '''Output:''' [[AdolfHitlarious An animate 45-centimeter tall origami caricature of Adolf Hitler.]] Object does not appear to be sapient, [[BoisterousWeakling but is able to vocalize a non-stop stream of threats and boasts]]. Voice confirmed to be that of the original Adolf Hitler. Object also noted to often clumsily fall over or bump into walls while goose-stepping about. Object is harmless, and [[HealingFactor mildly regenerative]] (the origami will refold if disrupted), and can be kicked by researchers as a form of [[CatharsisFactor stress management]] at their discretion.\ |
| 152 | ''Note: '''Outside''' of the testing area, please. I should not need to specify that. - Dr. Veritas'' |
| 153 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0196[[/labelnote]] SCP-914 manages to produce the one thing SCP-999 ''doesn't'' like: |
| 154 | -->'''Input:''' 500mL sample of SCP-999\ |
| 155 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 156 | '''Output:''' A small, spherical blob of translucent, azure-colored slime roughly 12cm in diameter, with a strong garlic-like odor. Found to be mobile and sentient, and capable of making gurgling, chirping vocalizations similar to SCP-999 but at a much deeper pitch. The entity, designated "E-999-A", [[EvilKnockoff was immediately hostile to all staff]], attempting to either leap upon researchers' faces or "headbutt" their shins via rolling across the floor at high speed, though its small size and mass prevented it from doing more than mild bruising.\ |
| 157 | E-999-A was eventually contained and presented to SCP-999, with the assumption that this was its "offspring", and that SCP-999 could teach it to become more docile. SCP-999 instead reacted with immediate hostility, attacking E-999-A with its pseudopods while E-999-A rolled around SCP-999, emitting loud "growling" and "snarling" noises while dodging. SCP-999 finally eliminated E-999-A roughly two minutes later via engulfing it with two pseudopods, rapidly dissolving E-999-A inside its body similar to how SCP-999 digests its meals.\ |
| 158 | No change in SCP-999's color or demeanor following the incident has been noted, however, [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness it is the first and thus far only time that SCP-999 has ever reacted to anything with hostility or violence]]. Further research involving SCP-999's slime is temporarily suspended save for researchers with at least Level 3 clearance, and any experiments involving SCP-999 and SCP-914 are completely prohibited. Mentioning E-999-A to SCP-999 [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain results in it immediately "ignoring" whoever speaks to it]], often by wandering off to play with a nearby object or person.\ |
| 159 | ''Note: Prof. Snider is currently facing disciplinary action due to violation of biological safety protocol. The next one I catch is losing their clearance indefinitely. - Dr. Veritas.'' |
| 160 | * Fun with credit fraud: |
| 161 | -->'''Test 914-0199'''\ |
| 162 | '''Name:''' Dr. Naismith\ |
| 163 | '''Date:''' 18/04/2018\ |
| 164 | '''Total Items:''' One credit card and one piece of paper.\ |
| 165 | \ |
| 166 | '''Input:''' Dr. Naismith’s credit card\ |
| 167 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 168 | '''Output:''' A similar credit card covered with a series of unidentified corporate insignias and the phrase “RANK-ALEPH INFINITE MONEY PRIVILEGES.”\ |
| 169 | ''Dr. Naismith, I didn’t think I need to remind you that SCP-914 is not to be used for personal financial gain, but it seems I was wrong. Consider this an official warning. -Dr. Coltrane''\ |
| 170 | \ |
| 171 | '''Input:''' A printout of the above note from Dr. Coltrane\ |
| 172 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 173 | '''Output:''' A printout of a note reading “Dr. Naismith, I didn’t even think of using SCP-914 for personal financial gain, but that seems like a solid idea. Consider this official permission to reap the fruits of your labor. -O5-11”\ |
| 174 | ''Note: Guess I have no choice but to keep the new card. I have written permission on file if anyone has any questions. -Dr. Naismith'' |
| 175 | [[/folder]] |
| 176 | |
| 177 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 0200-0299]] |
| 178 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0212[[/labelnote]] Testing lightbulbs eventually leads to the creation of an anthropomorphic light bulb that claims to be Thomas Edison and won't stop talking about its "[[KnowNothingKnowItAll grand scientific achievements]]". It quickly annoys the researchers to the point of requesting that it be destroyed. |
| 179 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0214[[/labelnote]] Transmuting old keys eventually leads to a surprise. And by "a surprise", we mean "ready-made identity fraud". |
| 180 | -->'''Input:''' The former access key to the janitors' closet\ |
| 181 | '''Setting:''' Very fine\ |
| 182 | '''Output:''' One metal credit card, VISA #4███████████████8, belonging to JP. B████ the CEO of Amazon.\ |
| 183 | ''Note: I guess money can buy you access. - Kurt''\ |
| 184 | ''Note: [[NoJustNoReaction You're not keeping that.]] - Chief Security Officer Wright'' |
| 185 | * Even on the lower settings, putting sunglasses through SCP-914 has weird results: |
| 186 | -->'''Test 914-0217'''\ |
| 187 | '''Name:''' Researcher Blais\ |
| 188 | '''Date:''' 05/05/2018\ |
| 189 | '''Total Items:''' Two pairs of standard UV protection sunglasses.\ |
| 190 | \ |
| 191 | '''Input:''' One pair of sunglasses.\ |
| 192 | '''Setting:''' Rough.\ |
| 193 | '''Output:''' One tinted pane of glass Dimensions 50x50x3 mm. When pointed at a light and looked through, the pane [[MushroomSamba generates extreme hallucinations]] from the light source. Such hallucinations have included "dragons and smoke monsters" to "birds with blue flaming wings and horns like a goat". Hallucinations vary from subject to subject and seem to have no correlation to the viewer's mental state or personality. When the pane is turned away from the source, the hallucinations immediately cease and "reset" until turned back to the light.\ |
| 194 | ''Note: Multiple D-class subjects have reported seeing a "Deer with enormous antlers and crazy floating orbs" when looking through the pane of glass. Investigation into a possible connection to SCP-2845 is underway.''\ |
| 195 | \ |
| 196 | '''Input:''' One pair of sunglasses.\ |
| 197 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 198 | '''Output:''' One pair of aviator style sunglasses with mirrored lenses. Memetic effects occur when a person views another individual wearing the sunglasses. Subjects will exclaim and persist that the glasses are the most “extremely stylish” and “hip” they have ever seen. Further testing is in order.\ |
| 199 | ''Note: Definitely the most sexy pair of sunglasses I’ve ever seen in my life. I have to keep them if I’m ever going to get a date. - Researcher Blais''\ |
| 200 | ''Note: [[SarcasmMode Sure Blais, of course I'm going to let you keep an anomalous object for your personal gain.]] I stored it in the anomalous item wing for study. Don't ask where, I'm not telling you. - Dr. Veritas'' |
| 201 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0219[[/labelnote]] Experimenting with tabletop games eventually takes a turn into pseudo-VR disaster: |
| 202 | -->'''Input:''' 1 character sheet for the tabletop roleplaying game Dungeons & Dragons, 3.5th Edition, filled out by Researcher Thompson.\ |
| 203 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 204 | '''Output:''' A sheet of paper promoting the non-existent tabletop roleplaying game Fear in the Foundation, 1st Edition. The paper repeatedly makes claims about the fun factor of the game but gives little information as to its actual content. Upon reading the entirety of the paper, subjects undergo an out-of-body experience in which they perceive themselves to exist in the game world. Based on subject’s reports, elements of the game are taken from several different tabletop roleplaying games. The game is also noted to contain several Foundation and SCP-related characters, items, and locations. Subjects will exit this state upon either dying in the game, or defeating the final villain.\ |
| 205 | \ |
| 206 | ''Note: "I gave this a try, and [[CriticalFailure ended up seeing SCP-096's face after rolling a 1 on stealth]]. If you don't hear from me within 5 minutes, [[BetterToDieThanBeKilled I've blown my brains out]]." -Researcher Jacobson''\ |
| 207 | ''Note: "Researcher Jacobson was later found dead in the anomalous item storage wing. Access to 'Fear in the Foundation' now requires supervision of at least one armed member of site security in case of visual hazards." —O5-6'' |
| 208 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0221[[/labelnote]]Dr. Hazard uses 914's "Rough" setting to shred an AP Calculus textbook. Dr. Veritas is unimpressed with him [[MundaneUtility using the SCP as a paper shredder]] and threatens to [[ReassignedToAntarctica reassign him to a Site in Antartica]] if he's caught doing it again. |
| 209 | -->''Note: [[DefensiveWhat What?]] Don’t look at me like that, school’s over. - Dr. Hazard'' |
| 210 | * SCP-914 does ''[[OhCrap not]]'' want to make ''[[TheDreaded any]]'' contact with [[MechanicalAbomination SCP-882]]. In fact, it doesn't even want to be reminded that it ''exists''. [[labelnote:Why is SCP-914 afraid?]][[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-882 SCP-882]] is a conglomeration of gears [[TheAssimilator that consumes all metal objects that it comes in contact with]], so if SCP-914 was actually introduced to SCP-882 for real, the encounter would likely end with 914 being eaten and [[KilledOffForReal neutralized]] (and 882 getting a ''lot'' bigger).[[/labelnote]] |
| 211 | -->'''Test 914-0232'''\ |
| 212 | '''Name:''' Dr. Stern\ |
| 213 | '''Date:''' 08/06/2018\ |
| 214 | '''Total Items:''' Four A4 printed photographs of SCP-882\ |
| 215 | \ |
| 216 | '''Input:''' One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882\ |
| 217 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 218 | '''Output:''' [[BigNo One 200x148mm piece of paper in the shape of a zero or letter O. One similarly-sized piece of paper in the shape of a capital letter N or Z.]] Several hundred 5-10mm triangular scraps of paper. [[BringMyBrownPants One small puddle of brownish ink.]]\ |
| 219 | \ |
| 220 | '''Input:''' One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882\ |
| 221 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 222 | '''Output:''' One A4 sheet of paper, [[NoJustNoReaction printed with the word "NO" in 83 different languages, taking up approximately one-half of the page]]. The rest of the page was occupied by angular pictograms arranged seemingly at random, which were reported as producing "a feeling of trepidation and discomfort". Subsequent investigation revealed these symbols to be a minor cognitohazard, and the sheet of paper was put into containment.\ |
| 223 | \ |
| 224 | '''Input:''' One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882\ |
| 225 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 226 | '''Output:''' One inked origami model of a human in a kneeling position, hands raised to its head. When picked up, the model abruptly unfolded, giving Dr. Stern a shallow cut across the tips of three fingers and the thumb. [[ImpliedDeathThreat The unfolded model resembled a human body torn into four pieces.]]\ |
| 227 | \ |
| 228 | '''Input:''' One A4 printed photograph of SCP-882\ |
| 229 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 230 | '''Output:''' ''Although planned, [[KnowWhenToFoldEm this test was cancelled on request from Dr. Stern]].'' |
| 231 | * An ill-advised test causes Dr. Veritas' blood pressure to spike. |
| 232 | -->'''Test 914-0236'''\ |
| 233 | '''Name:''' Researcher Jed\ |
| 234 | '''Date:''' 30/06/2018\ |
| 235 | '''Total Items:''' One gear from SCP-914\ |
| 236 | \ |
| 237 | '''Input:''' One gear from SCP-914\ |
| 238 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 239 | '''Output:''' [[EpicFail Failed to operate. Gear destroyed.]] A replica was made and is currently being installed.\ |
| 240 | ''Note: A vote by the O5 suspended Researcher Jed from testing for one year. SCP repaired as of 07/05/2018.''\ |
| 241 | \ |
| 242 | ''Note: [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe He did]] '''[[BigWhat what?!]]''' - Dr. Veritas''\ |
| 243 | ''Notice: In an effort to preserve SCP-914's structural integrity, and [[EnragedByIdiocy for the sake of Dr. Veritas' blood pressure]], I strongly caution against personnel using its own parts in testing. Thank you. - Dr. Gears.'' |
| 244 | * The stupidity continues ''immediately''. |
| 245 | -->'''Test 914-0237'''\ |
| 246 | '''Name:''' Researcher Wood.\ |
| 247 | '''Date:''' 07/05/2018\ |
| 248 | '''Total Items:''' One vial of [[HollywoodAcid corrosive slime]] recovered from [[HumanoidAbomination SCP-106's]] containment chamber.\ |
| 249 | \ |
| 250 | '''Input:''' One aforementioned vial.\ |
| 251 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine.\ |
| 252 | '''Output:''' Before the refining process could begin, the test was interrupted by security personnel and Researcher Wood was restrained. The vial of SCP-106's slime was disposed of.\ |
| 253 | \ |
| 254 | ''Note: I think I need to re-iterate. Feel free to test at your own discretion, but for Christ's sake, use common sense. [[TranquilFury I swear, when I find Wood]], I'm going to [[[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon REDACTED]]]. Dr. Smith.''\ |
| 255 | ''Note: Due to his failure to follow basic guidelines, as well as [[TooDumbToLive to preserve his own safety]], Researcher Wood has been [[PutOnABus transferred off-site]].'' |
| 256 | * SCP-914 is not a beautician. Or, at least, it ''shouldn't'' be one.[[note]]Keep in mind that biological testing with SCP-914 is '''''[[SeriousBusiness strictly]]''''' prohibited, since the biological tests conducted so far have ultimately ended in either {{Squick}}, NightmareFuel, or a potential (or actual) containment breach.[[/note]] |
| 257 | -->'''Test 914-0240'''\ |
| 258 | '''Name:''' Junior Researcher Summers\ |
| 259 | '''Date:''' 23/07/2018\ |
| 260 | '''Total Items:''' [[ProfessorGuineaPig Junior Researcher Summers]]\ |
| 261 | \ |
| 262 | '''Input:''' Junior Researcher Summers\ |
| 263 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 264 | '''Output:''' Junior Researcher Summers, with noticeably clearer skin, longer hair and a better figure. She was very disoriented, but otherwise unharmed. Junior Researcher Summers was apprehended upon output.\ |
| 265 | \ |
| 266 | ''Note: [[BlatantLies She told us she just wanted to try with her hair clip.]] By the time we realized what she was actually doing, it was too late to stop her. Needless to say, she's since been terminated, and I ''hope'' I don't need to tell you all to '''not do it again.''' - Dr. Veritas''[[note]]This doesn't really qualify as DisproportionateRetribution, as the results could have been far, ''far'' worse.[[/note]] |
| 267 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0241[[/labelnote]] Dr. Veritas tests the replacement gear by processing some thermometers. The final test is… ''interesting''. |
| 268 | -->'''Input:''' One digital thermometer.\ |
| 269 | '''Setting:''' Very fine.\ |
| 270 | '''Output:''' An intricate instrument with several digital dials that change when exposed to different temperatures and directions. One of the dials seemingly moves without purpose. The symbols do not correspond to any known mathematical object to count or measure.\ |
| 271 | \ |
| 272 | ''Note: Found out what the last dial did. It responds to minor changes in the orbital trajectory of Mercury. [[LamePunReaction Mercury, like what we used in traditional thermometers. Hilarious.]] After four years of working with the damned thing, [[{{Troll}} it's still taunting me]]. Carry on, people. The next person that takes out a part of the machine [[FedToTheBeast gets fed to the first thing with large teeth I can find]]. - Veritas.''\ |
| 273 | ''Note: After some concerns raised, we should mention that Dr. Veritas is not authorised to feed his colleagues to anomalous objects. We do, however, approve of his… request to refrain from using parts of SCP-914 in testing. - Site Director Hackett.'' |
| 274 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0245[[/labelnote]] Dr. Anton's testing with Rubik's Cubes goes horribly wrong: |
| 275 | -->'''Input:''' One Rubik’s cube.\ |
| 276 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 277 | '''Output:''' A “hypercube” space anomaly. When Dr. Anton tried to rotate it, the cube sucked his hand into the rift, breaking several of his hand's bones.\ |
| 278 | ''Note: Firstly, [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction ow]]. Second, I am not surprised at this result, a hypercube. Third, [[SkewedPriorities does anyone know how to solve it?]] - Dr. Anton''\ |
| 279 | ''Note: Anton, we try to solve spacetime anomalies '''after''' we get out of the hospital wing. - Veritas'' |
| 280 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0252[[/labelnote]] Jr. Researcher Pals learns the hard way that when it comes to 914, anything that sounds TooGoodToBeTrue is '''absolutely''' not trustworthy: |
| 281 | -->'''Input:''' Two bottles of hand sanitizer\ |
| 282 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 283 | '''Output:''' A large bottle of hand sanitizer, mass equivalent to initial input. On the front is a sticker that reads as follows: |
| 284 | --->'''NEW DELUXE EXTRA LARGE SCP-914 HAND SANITIZER! KILLS 199.8% OF GERMS!''' |
| 285 | -->''Note: [[TemptingFate Could it be? Has 914 made something useful for once?]]\ |
| 286 | Scratch that. Apparently 914’s idea of what “germs” are also includes '''human skin''', so now I have chemical burns.\ |
| 287 | \ |
| 288 | Note: Frankly, I think you walked right into that one. -Junior Researcher Beatrice'' |
| 289 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0258[[/labelnote]] Dr. Xerial attempted to see what 914 would do with various pictures of SCP objects. The final test: |
| 290 | -->'''Input:''' One (1) picture of SCP-173. |
| 291 | -->'''Setting:''' 1:1 |
| 292 | -->'''Output:''' [[YouAreAlreadyDead One (1) picture of SCP-096.]] |
| 293 | -->''Note: [[OhCrap Oh shit.]] - Dr. Xerial'' |
| 294 | -->''Note 2: Xerial's remains ([[NotEnoughToBury what was left]]) have been disposed of. Someone write up the cause of death as "[[TooDumbToLive natural selection]]". - Dr. Veritas'' |
| 295 | * Using thaumatology on SCP-914 backfires ''immensely''. |
| 296 | -->'''Test 914-0261'''\ |
| 297 | '''Name:''' Dr. Devant. Thaumatology researcher.\ |
| 298 | ''[[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor I hope to find answers]] where Dr. Mason only found SCP-914 [[{{Troll}} messing with him.]] - Dr. Devant''\ |
| 299 | '''Date:''' 03/10/2018\ |
| 300 | '''Total Items:''' 5 Thaumatologically crafted letters (acting as tracking beacons) in envelopes that will remotely write the path taken on an associated paper sheet outside of SCP-914. These letters are also sealed closed with special trigger symbols in sealing wax that, when traversing boundaries of realities or alternate universes, will trigger the associated wax candles outside of SCP-914 to light themselves.\ |
| 301 | \ |
| 302 | '''Input:''' 1 tracking envelope.\ |
| 303 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 304 | '''Output:''' A small pile of cinnabar, a tiny beeswax honeycomb structure, scraps of paper, and a small pile of glitter (presumed to be the thaumatological writing from the letter).\ |
| 305 | '''Notes:''' The candle did not light, an outline of a human face was drawn on the paper sheet.\ |
| 306 | ''[[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong Yes! We're getting somewhere. No way this drawing could form the Foundation logo.]] - Dr. Devant''\ |
| 307 | \ |
| 308 | '''Input:''' 1 tracking envelope.\ |
| 309 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 310 | '''Output:''' 1 unfolded envelope (no visible markings), one letter with SCP-3669-2 notation in glittery black ink. One unbroken wax seal with the stylized initials C.F. stamped on it.\ |
| 311 | '''Notes:''' The candle did not light, the paper showed a zig-zagging pattern being drawn across it.\ |
| 312 | ''The arrows on the letter do not match the chaotic movement on the paper. I'll have the letter analysed by another department. - Dr. Devant''\ |
| 313 | \ |
| 314 | '''Input:''' 1 tracking envelope.\ |
| 315 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 316 | '''Output:''' A punch card labeled "FORTRAN STATEMENT" wherein 688 of the 800 positions were punched. Each of the punched holes had a shape of thaumatological significance. The surface of the card feels "waxy" and has a slight glitter-like glint to it. The nature of the program on the card is being analysed by the anomalous computing dept.\ |
| 317 | '''Notes:''' The candle produced a small puff of smoke, but did not light. On the sheet of paper, a pair of human eyes were drawn.\ |
| 318 | While the results of the candle were inconclusive, SCP-914 seems to be drawing a human face.\ |
| 319 | ''[[ThisIsGonnaSuck I'm beginning to believe that my plan has already failed.]] - Dr. Devant''\ |
| 320 | \ |
| 321 | '''Input:''' 1 tracking envelope.\ |
| 322 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 323 | '''Output:''' 1 origami helicopter (modeled after a Bell UH-1 Iroquois), the windows are painted on with glittery black ink, the engine compartment is made of red sealing wax. After manually winding the blades, the helicopter can fly a short distance in a random direction.\ |
| 324 | '''Notes:''' The candle produced a small spark and puff of smoke. A pair of human ears, a human nose, & voluptuous lips were drawn on the paper.\ |
| 325 | ''I'm not quite sure what the candle is signaling here, it should just light itself when the seal traverses to another reality, this effect needs further investigation. The face drawn on the tracking papers is too crude to do any facial recognition on, [[TemptingFate let's see if the Very Fine setting helps]]. - Dr. Devant''\ |
| 326 | \ |
| 327 | '''Input:''' 1 tracking envelope.\ |
| 328 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 329 | '''Output:''' 1 wax sealed envelope, addressed to the high school nickname of Dr. Devant, the seal was stamped with a heart symbol. Inside the envelope was a letter of rejection to Dr. Devant, written in black glittery ink. This letter is currently being investigated for cognitohazardous effects.\ |
| 330 | '''Notes:''' The candle was lit. The paper had random scribbles all over. When all five outputs on the papers were overlaid, it produced a sketch of [[TheLostLenore ████████ ████████████ (now deceased)]], a helicopter pilot and former high school romantic interest of Dr. Devant. Dr. Devant [[DespairEventHorizon has been placed in the psych ward]] after [[InelegantBlubbering excessive sobbing]] and [[DrivenToSuicide showing of suicidal tendencies.]]\ |
| 331 | ''This one's odd to me. All my experiments so far have conformed to the belief that SCP-914 works via associations of the operator. Unless the good Doctor can tell me otherwise, that doesn't seem to be the case here. I would suggest against using thaumaturgy on 914, it's already weird enough as is. -Researcher K. Midaeus'' |
| 332 | * Dr. Einen is a nerd: |
| 333 | -->'''Test 914-0265'''\ |
| 334 | '''Name:''' Dr. Einen\ |
| 335 | '''Date:''' 01/05/2018\ |
| 336 | '''Total Items:''' One container filled with 20mg of tears. One clay doll resembling [[VideoGame/TheBindingOfIsaac a wide-eyed child]].\ |
| 337 | \ |
| 338 | '''Input:''' Both previously mentioned items\ |
| 339 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 340 | '''Output:''' Object has the appearance of the original doll, but with the capability to move around. When agitated, it appears to be able to shoot out 'tears' from its supposed eyes. Object neutralized after being exposed to a small wooden replica of a cross.\ |
| 341 | \ |
| 342 | ''I just wanted to know what would happen, [[VideoGame/TheBindingOfIsaac the game is damn fun]]. - Dr. Einen\ |
| 343 | Again, please try not to create anything that might become living. [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I’m not saying that you were intentionally trying to create █████,]] but really? -Dr. Nome'' |
| 344 | * Test #0277's final result is quite silly when you think about what it must look like in-universe. |
| 345 | -->'''Input:''' One IPK\ |
| 346 | '''Setting:''' Very fine\ |
| 347 | '''Output:''' One platinum weighing mass with tapered handle & ornate embossments of the phrase "1 kilogram" in various languages. X-ray imaging of the device showed an internal space filled with iridium metal parts moving continuously and chaotically. Its anomalous effect is made apparent when the "weight" is placed on the surface of an object that is not fastened to the ground in some way, [[GravityScrew this object will now weigh exactly one kilogram regardless of local gravity or acceleration]]. The object behaves like a regular weighing mass when used on a balance scale.\ |
| 348 | ''I recommend using magnetic boots when carrying this weight, walking whilst weighing only one kilo has proven to be very difficult. Dr. Lefèvre‑Gineau'' |
| 349 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0280[[/labelnote]] Researcher Darby picks up his first injury via inputting a Batman comic and a kilogram of iron filings on the Very Fine setting and getting attacked by the resulting [[Characters/BatmanTheJoker Joker]] toy: |
| 350 | -->Object successfully neutralized with only minor injuries and the loss of Researcher I. Darby's pride. |
| 351 | * An attempt to improve a tracking device gets taken too far. |
| 352 | -->'''Test 914-0286'''\ |
| 353 | '''Name:''' Researcher Daniel\ |
| 354 | '''Date:''' 18/11/2018\ |
| 355 | '''Total Items:''' One Standard Foundation Tracking Device, Six (6) AA Batteries\ |
| 356 | ''Note: Before the test, subject D-4936 was given these devices, which were receiving signals from tracking devices near [=SCPs=]. The intention for this test is to try and create an SCP tracker.''\ |
| 357 | \ |
| 358 | '''Input:''' One Standard Foundation Tracking Device\ |
| 359 | '''Operator:''' D-4936\ |
| 360 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 361 | '''Output:''' One Improved Tracking Device. When loaded with batteries and pointed at an SCP, it will emit a beeping noise that will speed up with proximity. The batteries go flat after five minutes of operation.\ |
| 362 | ''It actually worked, albeit for short periods. [[TemptingFate Attempting to improve.]] -Researcher Daniel''\ |
| 363 | \ |
| 364 | '''Input:''' One Improved Tracking Device, Three AA Batteries\ |
| 365 | '''Operator:''' D-4936\ |
| 366 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 367 | '''Output:''' One Improved Tracking Device. Battery life increased to thirty minutes.\ |
| 368 | ''Still too short. Let's try one more time. [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong I don't understand why so many people are complaining about 914.]] -Researcher Daniel''\ |
| 369 | \ |
| 370 | '''Input:''' One Improved Tracking Device, Three AA Batteries\ |
| 371 | '''Operator:''' D-4936\ |
| 372 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 373 | '''Output:''' [[GoneHorriblyRight One Improved Tracking Device.]] Upon the Output booth opening, it attached itself to the booth wall and [[SensoryAbuse made a loud blaring noise]]. The object was unable to be removed from the wall of the booth. Attempts to destroy the object without causing damage to SCP-914 resulted in failures. Despite not being able to remove it, the tracker could be slid along the walls. The object was then slid out of the Output booth, across SCP-914, and into the Intake booth.\ |
| 374 | \ |
| 375 | '''Input:''' One Improved Tracking Device\ |
| 376 | '''Operator:''' D-4936\ |
| 377 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 378 | '''Output:''' Burnt pile of metal and plastic\ |
| 379 | ''Finally shut that thing up! -Researcher Daniel\ |
| 380 | Note: Researcher Daniel was reprimanded for his carelessness and admitted to the medbay for an aspirin. -Senior Researcher Brad\ |
| 381 | Note: [[SurroundedByIdiots Why am I surrounded by complete imbeciles?]] - Veritas'' |
| 382 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0287[[/labelnote]]An attempt to give 914 a tune-up ends in an unexpected fashion: 914 thanks Maintenance Technician Johnson by creating a statue of him that makes viewers want to give Johnson a promotion/pay raise. He is not amused by the implications of the statue's effects. |
| 383 | -->''Note: Now every pay raise or promotion I could ever possibly receive is going to be treated as a possible containment breach. [[UnwantedAssistance Great.]] - Maintenance Technician Johnson'' |
| 384 | * Dr. Day and [[RainbowSpeak his amazing technicolor pens]]: |
| 385 | -->'''Test 914-0298'''\ |
| 386 | '''Name:''' Dr. Day\ |
| 387 | '''Date:''' 30-11-18\ |
| 388 | '''Total Items:''' 4 broken pens.\ |
| 389 | ''Note: I'm getting pissed off at all my pens breaking. -Day''\ |
| 390 | \ |
| 391 | '''Input:''' 1 broken pen\ |
| 392 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 393 | '''Output:''' A mechanical pencil with what appeared to be a plastic cartridge. melted into ink when Dr. Day tried to retrieve it.\ |
| 394 | ''Note: God dammit, [Data Smudged] hands [Data Smudged] with ink -Day''\ |
| 395 | \ |
| 396 | '''Input:''' 1 broken pen\ |
| 397 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 398 | '''Output:''' A pen that is always activated. [[RainbowSpeak Changes to a new color every time the button is pressed.]]\ |
| 399 | ''Welp, the pen I was using to write this report broke. Hopefully 914 made this one indestructible as well. -Day''\ |
| 400 | \ |
| 401 | '''Input:''' 1 broken pen\ |
| 402 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 403 | '''Output:''' An ornate fountain pen. The ink is imbued in the outer case. Ink cartridge is empty.\ |
| 404 | ''Note: Great job, great freaking job, 914. -Day''\ |
| 405 | \ |
| 406 | '''Input:''' 1 broken pen\ |
| 407 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 408 | '''Output:''' A pen that will write down everything that is said in the general vicinity, of about 3 meters.\ |
| 409 | \ |
| 410 | ''Note: This is great! Now I don't have to write! Hey, Dayman, you can't use that, we don't know what properties it has.\ |
| 411 | But all my pens are broken!\ |
| 412 | I will see if we can get you some more pens, Dayman.\ |
| 413 | Can't I use it to finish writing this report first? And don't call me Dayman. Wait, did it just record everything we said? Yes, apparent- -Pen'' |
| 414 | [[/folder]] |
| 415 | |
| 416 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 0300-0399]] |
| 417 | * Fun with personnel files. |
| 418 | -->'''Test 914-0307'''\ |
| 419 | '''Name:''' Dr. Anton\ |
| 420 | '''Date:''' 10/12/18\ |
| 421 | '''Total Items:''' Several Personnel Files, 5 200 g iron cubes\ |
| 422 | \ |
| 423 | '''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. S. Pider, 200 g iron cube\ |
| 424 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 425 | '''Output:''' A bingo card, containing several marks on it, including a "bingo" configuration. Several iron balls, engraved with numbers, some of which correspond with the marks on the card.\ |
| 426 | \ |
| 427 | '''Input:''' Personnel File for Maintenance Technician Johnston, 200 g iron cube\ |
| 428 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 429 | '''Output:''' [[BrickJoke One small metal and paper statue of Maintenance Technician Johnson holding a wrench and standing in a gallant pose. Statue has memetic properties leading to viewers gaining an intense urge to give M.T. Johnson either a promotion or a pay raise, whichever would lead to him getting paid more. This effect lasts for an average of two hours after viewing.]]\ |
| 430 | ''Note: [[DidntWeUseThisJokeAlready This again!?]] - MT. Johnson''\ |
| 431 | \ |
| 432 | '''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Veritas, 200 g iron cube\ |
| 433 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 434 | '''Output:''' Documentation for SCP-914, level 3 clearance. Test logs not included.\ |
| 435 | ''Note: …No comment. - Dr. Anton\ |
| 436 | Note: To whoever gave Anton my personnel file: [[TranquilFury Pray that I don't find out who you are.]] - Veritas.''\ |
| 437 | \ |
| 438 | '''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Day, 200 g iron cube\ |
| 439 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 440 | '''Output:''' [[strike:no change]] The document has significant changes, and a memetic effect where talking about them [[RainbowSpeak changes the color of text]]. Main changes include [DATA EXPUNGED]. Cube has a purple tinge.\ |
| 441 | \ |
| 442 | '''Input:''' Personnel File for Dr. Anton, 200 g iron cube\ |
| 443 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 444 | '''Output:''' An iron gear, and an apology note. Upon reading, Dr. Anton burst into tears and had to be removed by security personnel. |
| 445 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0319[[/labelnote]] A test with various measuring devices leads to a BrickJoke. |
| 446 | -->'''Input:''' One wristwatch, one thermometer\ |
| 447 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 448 | '''Output:''' One wristwatch without markings. The hour hand appears immobile at first. Further testing indicates that it moves albeit extremely slowly; it completes one full round every 1407.5 hours.\ |
| 449 | ''That's the sidereal rotational period of ''Mercury.'' [[LamePunReaction Son of a…]]'' |
| 450 | * The restrictions on biological testing are in place for a ''reason''. |
| 451 | -->'''Test 914-0325'''\ |
| 452 | '''Name:''' Junior Researcher Murray\ |
| 453 | '''Date:''' 22/09/19\ |
| 454 | '''Total Items:''' Four 8GB [=SanDisk=] 8GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single [=FAT32=] partition with the file ''monika.chr'' from the 2017 parody horror visual novel "VisualNovel/DokiDokiLiteratureClub", developed by Team Salvato.\ |
| 455 | \ |
| 456 | '''Input:''' One memory stick\ |
| 457 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 458 | '''Output:''' Melted heap of silicone, metal and plastic, equal to mass, volume and weight of input product. Data likely lost.\ |
| 459 | \ |
| 460 | '''Input:''' One memory stick\ |
| 461 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 462 | '''Output:''' Memory stick disassembled into its separate components. [=FAT32=] partition has been corrupted.\ |
| 463 | \ |
| 464 | '''Input:''' One memory stick\ |
| 465 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 466 | '''Output:''' One Kingston [=DataTraveler=] G4 USB 3.0 8GB flash drive containing a single [=ExFAT=] partition with one file on it; analysis reveals to be all of the dialogue, in-game sprites, and a compilation of fan art of the character "Sans" from "VideoGame/{{Undertale}}", a game created by Creator/TobyFox in 2015.\ |
| 467 | \ |
| 468 | '''Input:''' One memory stick\ |
| 469 | ''Note 2: Upon closer inspection of security camera footage, it appears that Junior Researcher Murray had also placed a large bucket's worth of stolen human tissue (from the medical department) into the input chamber.''\ |
| 470 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 471 | '''Output:''' [DATA EXPUNGED], promptly terminated after breaching the walls of SCP-914's containment. Junior Researcher Murray, showing an almost memetic attraction to the entity, was also terminated after [[TakingTheBullet trying to shield said entity from the bullets of the guards' assault rifles]].\ |
| 472 | ''Note 3: Alright, [[TooDumbToLive who else wants to create]] a [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] sentient [[RealityWarper reality bender]] waifu with SCP-914? For those that fail, your prize will be [[MindRape Class E amnestics]]. - Senior Researcher ██████'' |
| 473 | * A military mishap in the making: |
| 474 | -->'''Test 914-0326'''\ |
| 475 | '''Name:''' Dr. Anker\ |
| 476 | '''Date:''' 27/11/19\ |
| 477 | '''Total Items:''' Three completed ‘Revell’ plastic models consisting of one German Battleship Bismarck 1:350, one British Aircraft Carrier Illustrious 1:700, and one German Cruiser Prinz Eugen model 1:720. This is along with one completed ‘Trumpeter’ model of British Battlecruiser Renown 1:700.\ |
| 478 | \ |
| 479 | '''Input:''' One completed ‘Revell’ German Battleship Bismarck model, 1:350.\ |
| 480 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 481 | '''Output:''' A completed ‘Revell’ German Battleship Tirpitz model, also 1:350.\ |
| 482 | \ |
| 483 | '''Input:''' One completed ‘Revell’ German Cruiser Prinz Eugen model 1:720\ |
| 484 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 485 | '''Output:''' A completed 1:720 model of German Aircraft Carrier Seydlitz. ‘Revell’ and ‘Revell of Germany’ have both never made a model of Seydlitz, carrier or cruiser, and in fact, Seydlitz was never finished as either.\ |
| 486 | ''Note: This will be a fine addition to my collection. - Dr. Anker''\ |
| 487 | \ |
| 488 | '''Input:''' One completed ‘Revell’ British Aircraft Carrier Illustrious model 1:700\ |
| 489 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 490 | '''Output:''' A completed 1:700 model of British Aircraft Carrier Illustrious which was found to be functional. The planes were able to drop miniature bombs which were painful but non-lethal. They flew towards Dr. Anker and he was admitted to the infirmary for minor burns after the planes subsequently attacked him. Item placed in secure storage.\ |
| 491 | ''Note: This is why I prefer boats. - Dr. Anker''\ |
| 492 | \ |
| 493 | '''Input:''' One painted ‘Trumpeter’ British Battlecruiser Renown 1:700 put back into the box.\ |
| 494 | ''Note: I got bored, so I painted it, but I remembered it was for the test, so I put it back in.''\ |
| 495 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 496 | '''Output:''' A painted in-box ‘Figma’ of British Battlecruiser Renown from the mobile game ‘VideoGame/AzurLane’. ‘Azur Lane’ is about girls being made from weaponry, in this case, ships. ‘Figma’ has never released an item related to Azur Lane.\ |
| 497 | \ |
| 498 | '''Input:''' One completed 1:350 model of German Battleship Tirpitz\ |
| 499 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 500 | '''Output:''' When the door opened, a full-size artillery shot killed █ and severely injured Dr. Anker. [The model] escaped containment and was observed as ‘floating in midair’. It was [[SelfDamagingAttackBackfire terminated due to a weapons malfunction]] around 24 minutes after, with total casualties estimated at ██ caused by both it and the breach of containment caused by it.\ |
| 501 | ''Note: [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction Ow.]] - Dr. Anker\ |
| 502 | Note: To the next genius that decides to test model military equipment: This is why you don't do it. - Veritas.'' |
| 503 | * [[SchmuckBait It's not long]] before [[HereWeGoAgain Researcher Murray's mistakes are repeated]]: |
| 504 | -->'''Test 914-0328'''\ |
| 505 | '''Name:''' Junior Researcher Altdamm\ |
| 506 | '''Date:''' 04/01/19\ |
| 507 | '''Total Items:''' Two 4GB [=SanDisk=] 4GB Cruzer Blade USB 3.0 memory sticks, each containing a single NTFS partition of the .apk file of the 2.0223_274 version of ''VideoGame/GirlsFrontline''; one X-Sponge; one 1:10 model of the ''Girls Frontline'' character Grizzly [=MkV=]\ |
| 508 | \ |
| 509 | '''Input:''' One USB and one X-Sponge\ |
| 510 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 511 | '''Output:''' One X-Sponge which automatically redacts all information not related to the game ''Girls Frontline'' in any form. ███████ ███████ ████ ██ ████████ ███████████ ██████████ ██ ███ ████ ██ ███████ ███████ ██.\ |
| 512 | ''Note: [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong ██████ ██, ████ ███ ████ ██ ████ ████████ ██ ████?]] -Altdamm''\ |
| 513 | \ |
| 514 | '''Input:''' One USB and one model of Grizzly [=MkV=]\ |
| 515 | ''Reviewing security footage has shown that [[HereWeGoAgain Junior Researcher Altdamm inserted a box full of human tissue stolen from a deceased D-class personnel in the Medical Department]], including said personnel's clothing.''\ |
| 516 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 517 | '''Output:''' An entity resembling the Girls Frontline character Grizzly [=MkV=], as well as a fully loaded Kel-Tec PMR-30 automatic pistol. Initially disoriented, [[TurnedAgainstTheirMasters the entity grabbed the pistol and shot Junior Researcher Altdamm six times in his abdomen and chest]], before surrendering itself to Foundation authorities. Junior Researcher Altdamm himself died of blood loss.\ |
| 518 | ''Note: [[OhNoNotAgain Again? Seriously?]] The next person caught [[PerverseSexualLust attempting to create a reality bender waifu]] with 914 [[ShootTheDangerousMinion will be rewarded with a bullet in the head]]. -Senior Researcher ██████\ |
| 519 | Addendum: When cleaning up 914, a clock was found at the output booth. The hour hand always points at Dr. Veritas, the minute hand always points at Dr. Cleveland, and the second hand always points at Maintenance Technician Johnson. The clock would also constantly rotate such that the "V" marking always points towards the entity resembling Grizzly [=MkV=]. Security footage has shown that the entity used 914 at the "Very Fine" setting [[IAmNotAGun in an attempt to alter the automatic pistol]].'' |
| 520 | * The Foundation's security seems to be lapsing: |
| 521 | -->'''Test 914-0348'''\ |
| 522 | '''Name:''' Detective Brandt\ |
| 523 | '''Date:''' 16/1/2019\ |
| 524 | '''Total Items:''' A photograph of Researcher I. Darby and an arrest warrant for said Researcher.\ |
| 525 | \ |
| 526 | '''Input:''' Above Mentioned\ |
| 527 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 528 | '''Output:''' A Photograph of Researcher I. Darby that shows his actions, no time of reference is included so no information can be granted from said photograph. Arrest warrant has been folded in shape of a small german shepherd and is completely animate.\ |
| 529 | ''Note: [[TheGuardsMustBeCrazy First off, HOW THE HELL DID A POLICEMAN GET INSIDE THE FACILITY?! Second, why did you let him walk out of here after using 914?]] - Security Overseer Brundon\ |
| 530 | Note: How this man managed to enter this facility aside, given the arrest warrant, will someone please do a background check on Researcher Isaac Darby? The last thing we want is a criminal in charge of these experiments. - Dr. ██████\ |
| 531 | Note: The detective was administered amnestics. I would also really appreciate it if you yelled at the Human Resources instead. - Dr. Veritas'' |
| 532 | * Dr. Xerial turns out to ''not'' be the bottom of the barrel in terms of common sense: |
| 533 | -->'''Test 914-0353'''\ |
| 534 | '''Name:''' Dr. Harvey\ |
| 535 | '''Date:''' 02/03/2019\ |
| 536 | '''Total items:''' A picture of SCP-096.\ |
| 537 | \ |
| 538 | '''Input:''' A picture of SCP-096\ |
| 539 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 540 | '''Output:''' A picture of SCP-690\ |
| 541 | ''Note: Thank goodness -Dr. Harvey.\ |
| 542 | Note: No one looked at the photo and it was upside down the entire time.\ |
| 543 | Note: What the hell? [[WhatWereYouThinking What made you think this was a good idea?]] Didn't you learn from the test I performed earlier this year? This isn't a game! Requesting Dr. Harvey be reviewed for disciplinary actions. Count yourself lucky it didn't decide to kill you all. - Dr. Ricardo'' |
| 544 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0354[[/labelnote]]Dr. Harvey is more than a little bitter over getting chewed out for using a photo of [[DontLookAtMe SCP-096]] as input material and gets caught using SCP-914's "Rough" setting to destroy Dr. Ricardo's belongings. |
| 545 | * 914 doesn't care to follow patterns: |
| 546 | -->'''Test 914-0364'''\ |
| 547 | '''Name:''' Assistant Researcher Erickson\ |
| 548 | '''Date:''' 23/01/2019\ |
| 549 | '''Total Items:''' One Bugle, three cubes of brass (Varying sizes)\ |
| 550 | \ |
| 551 | '''Input:''' The aforementioned bugle, One small cube of brass.\ |
| 552 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 553 | '''Output:''' One piccolo trumpet.\ |
| 554 | \ |
| 555 | '''Input:''' The aforementioned trumpet, One medium sized cube of brass.\ |
| 556 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 557 | '''Output:''' One trombone.\ |
| 558 | ''If I'm correct, the next one should be a tuba. - Assistant Researcher Erickson''\ |
| 559 | \ |
| 560 | '''Input:''' The aforementioned trombone, One large cube of brass.\ |
| 561 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 562 | '''Output:''' One brass statue of Rick Astley. [[JustForFun/{{Rickroll}} Statue played the song "Never Gonna Give You Up" nonstop from an unidentifiable source.]]\ |
| 563 | ''This goddamn machine… I can't deal with this. -Assistant Researcher Erickson\ |
| 564 | The statue was melted down to scrap in the site incinerator as instructed, but [[ItWontTurnOff it's still playing the F*CKING song]]. -Agent Alyson'' |
| 565 | * This is why you don't play with weird devices: |
| 566 | -->'''Test 914-0369'''\ |
| 567 | '''Name:''' Jr. Researcher Stan\ |
| 568 | '''Date:''' 26-01-2019\ |
| 569 | '''Total Items:''' One solid-state USB drive with a capacity of 128 GB. Drive is empty and unformatted.\ |
| 570 | ''Note: I wanted to see if 914 could write information onto a drive, and if so what it might put in there. I have a Windows computer on a closed system with no internet or system access. This will be tested with the drive. - Stan''\ |
| 571 | \ |
| 572 | '''Input:''' One SSD, empty\ |
| 573 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 574 | '''Output:''' One SSD with a USB compatibility. Appears to be a different model than the input device. The drive has a small switch on the top, with the activated position marked with an engraved 'X'. The computer appeared unable to recognize the drive when plugged in, disallowing any manual transferring of files. When the switch was pushed to the 'X' position, the computer malfunctioned. Upon further testing, it appears the drive deletes "[=System32=]" off of any computer running Windows OS when the switch is activated. Item has no effect on non-Windows operating systems.\ |
| 575 | \ |
| 576 | ''Note: Later that day, a researcher wearing a plastic Guy Fawkes mask entered secure storage using proper security clearance and stole the drive. All Windows computers connected to the Foundation system later came under malware attack despite foundation security software and were disabled via deletion of [=System32=]. The researcher responsible was identified through the records of the security card scanner. The researcher has been fired and amnesticized.\ |
| 577 | Note: I don't think he realized that all of the important Foundation computers run SCP OS. -Stan'' |
| 578 | * 914 knows who holds the cards: |
| 579 | -->'''Test 914-0372'''\ |
| 580 | '''Name:''' Dr. Calloway\ |
| 581 | '''Date:''' 29/01/2019\ |
| 582 | '''Total Items:''' 1 note, labeled "Best Researcher ever".\ |
| 583 | \ |
| 584 | '''Input:''' 1 note, labeled "Best Researcher ever".\ |
| 585 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 586 | '''Output:''' 1 note, labeled "Veritas"\ |
| 587 | ''Suck up. -Dr. Calloway'' |
| 588 | * SCP-914 seems to carry a torch for Johnson: |
| 589 | -->'''Test 914-0381'''\ |
| 590 | '''Name:''' Maintenance Technician Johnson\ |
| 591 | '''Date:''' 30/01/2019\ |
| 592 | '''Total Items:''' 3 abridged copies of MT Johnson's personnel file, which have been scrubbed of all sensitive information\ |
| 593 | ''Note: Since 914 partially operates by intent of the operator, let's see what happens when I create some feedback by putting in information about myself.''\ |
| 594 | \ |
| 595 | '''Input:''' 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file\ |
| 596 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 597 | '''Output:''' A copy of the mission statement of the Department of Maintenance, an obscure department which is responsible for the upkeep of SCP containment enclosures.\ |
| 598 | ''Note: If no one's heard of us, then that means we're doing our jobs correctly. - MT Johnson''\ |
| 599 | \ |
| 600 | '''Input:''' 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file\ |
| 601 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 602 | '''Output:''' One large origami wrench embossed with the words "Secure, Maintain, Protect"\ |
| 603 | ''Note: About what I expected, but that's not the Foundation's actual slogan. Perhaps it's my perception of it? - MT Johnson''\ |
| 604 | \ |
| 605 | '''Input:''' 1 abridged copy of MT Johnson's personnel file\ |
| 606 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 607 | '''Output:''' [[BrokenRecord The file now contains several pages of the word "maintain" handwritten over and over in printer ink.]] Writing confirmed as identical to that of MT Johnson. [[MadnessMantra Writing starts out normally but gets rougher and rougher as it progresses, as well as containing an increasing number of capital letters. By the end, it is barely legible as well as being entirely capitalized.]] The folder has what appears to be an emblem made up of a pair of crossed wrenches pressed into its front and back as well.\ |
| 608 | ''Note: This feels like it's from the typewriter scene from Film/TheShining. I'm just going to leave this in secure storage and [[BrainBleach try to forget that this ever happened]]. - MT Johnson'' |
| 609 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0389[[/labelnote]] A test with a shovel has a very strange ending: |
| 610 | -->'''Input:''' One standard-issue military entrenching tool, as produced by SCP-914.\ |
| 611 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 612 | '''Output:''' An anomalous military entrenching tool that, when held, prompts the subject to attempt to exchange it for cheap goods and services, regardless of whether the recipient is willing to accept it.\ |
| 613 | ''Note: The remainder of the test postponed while I go see if anyone wants a duplicated shovel. - Dr. Hadian\ |
| 614 | Note: Dr. Hadian has been sent to the antimemetics department for treatment by Dr. Veritas, or to use his words: "No, I don't want a [[PrecisionFStrike [REDACTED]]] spade." - Security Officer Schwartz'' |
| 615 | ** It becomes more hilarious when you realize it's a reference to [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nWG-kqUc40 this!]] |
| 616 | * A test with amnestics goes bad quickly. |
| 617 | -->'''Test 914-0392'''\ |
| 618 | '''Name:''' Dr. Range — Medical Department\ |
| 619 | '''Date:''' 05/02/2019\ |
| 620 | '''Total Items:''' 1 Class-B amnestic, small tablet.\ |
| 621 | ''Note: Attempting to see if 914 can create more powerful amnestics. A low level one was used for obvious reasons.''\ |
| 622 | \ |
| 623 | '''Input:''' Class-B amnestic tablet\ |
| 624 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 625 | '''Output:''' Visually unchanged tablet. Anyone within a five meter radius of this tablet appears to suffer from short-term memory loss, which is removed once outside the range.\ |
| 626 | ''Note: Took a while, but eventually tablet was incinerated. Every time someone tried to move it, they'd take two steps, forget why they had it, and set it down. -Dr. Range'' |
| 627 | [[/folder]] |
| 628 | |
| 629 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 0400-0499]] |
| 630 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0400[[/labelnote]] Archivist Morgan's request for 914 to stop making weird shit is not appreciated. |
| 631 | -->'''Input:''' One handwritten note reading "Please stop producing anomalous items."\ |
| 632 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 633 | '''Output:''' One paper with a [[BigNo big "NO"]] written in the center that was floating in the air, spinning, and playing "Yakety Sax" from no apparent source\ |
| 634 | ''Note: [[NoJustNoReaction …No. Nope. I've had it.]] I'm done. No more. I quit! [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Where's the medical bay, I'll take whatever amnestics I need to to get out of here!]] - Archivist Morgan\ |
| 635 | \ |
| 636 | Note: To site security: I would like to report that there is [[FreakOut a mental breakdown in progress]] in the general area of the 914 testing area. His name is Archivist Morgan and he's heading for the medical bay in order to amnesticize himself. Please stop him, I don't trust his ability to regulate himself in his current state. He is identifiable by being the guy running through the hallways screaming "[[RageQuit I quit]]" at the top of his lungs. Thank you. - Archivist Hansen\ |
| 637 | [[AndAnotherThing Note:]] I've seen 914 archivists [[HeroicBSOD melt down]] before, but this is the most entertaining one I've seen yet. Usually they just start crying on their desks, which is kinda underwhelming. - Archivist Hansen'' |
| 638 | * Dr. Hadian has weird tastes: |
| 639 | -->'''Test 914-0404'''\ |
| 640 | '''Name:''' Dr. Hadian\ |
| 641 | '''Date:''' 11/02/2019\ |
| 642 | '''Total Items:''' Three copies of an adult graphic novel, title [REDACTED]\ |
| 643 | ''Note: I know it's not professional, but frankly I'm surprised nobody's tried it yet.''\ |
| 644 | \ |
| 645 | '''Input:''' A copy of the aforementioned book\ |
| 646 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 647 | '''Output:''' A book of diagrams indicating how to fill out an unidentified form, written in Japanese. Cursory translation suggests that the form is financial in nature, and references details such as the owner's age, date and location of birth, marital status, star sign, personality type, and various other personal details.\ |
| 648 | \ |
| 649 | '''Input:''' A copy of the aforementioned book\ |
| 650 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 651 | '''Output:''' A catalog of land vehicles, food items, and firearms, arranged without a clear pattern.\ |
| 652 | \ |
| 653 | '''Input:''' A copy of the aforementioned book\ |
| 654 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 655 | '''Output:''' A graphic novel in a similar style. Those handling it have reported an immediate spike in their libido upon picking it up.\ |
| 656 | ''Note: While that last outcome was more or less as anticipated, I have to wonder about the first two. Perhaps 914 is configuring them to the preferences of the operator? - Dr. Hadian\ |
| 657 | Note: Who the fuck gets off on paying their taxes? - Researcher Jenkins'' |
| 658 | * Yet another security breach: |
| 659 | -->'''Test 914-0405'''\ |
| 660 | '''Name:''' [[PaperThinDisguise Researcher Mi Sicx]]\ |
| 661 | '''Date:''' 11/02/2019\ |
| 662 | '''Total Items:''' One Warrant for Researcher I. Darby, 5 platoons of SCP-705\ |
| 663 | \ |
| 664 | '''Input:''' One arrest order for Researcher I. Darby, 5 Platoons of SCP-705\ |
| 665 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 666 | '''Output:''' 5 Platoons of SCP-705 wearing thick paper SWAT armor, dyed black from printer ink.\ |
| 667 | SCP-705 disappeared during the confrontation of Researcher Mi Sicx and are presumed to be loose in the ventilation shafts. Robot sweepers are to be sent into ventilation to collect rogue SCP-705 Elements.\ |
| 668 | ''Note: What's the status of that background check? First police and now UsefulNotes/MI6 are attempting to arrest Researcher I. Darby, also bring him to my office when you are able - Chief Brandt to staff\ |
| 669 | Note: Created instances of SCP-705 have been destroyed and relevant members of [=MI6=] have been administered amnestics. I have no idea who let them in, but Director Hackett is absolutely furious and I advise the one responsible to stay far away from his office for a while. - Senior Security Officer Schwartz and Dr. Veritas'' |
| 670 | * Calloway has no luck with musical things: |
| 671 | -->'''Test 914-0406'''\ |
| 672 | '''Name:''' Dr. Calloway\ |
| 673 | '''Date:''' 12/02/2019\ |
| 674 | '''Total Items:''' 1 copy of '[[VideoGame/BattleBlockTheater Battleblock theater]]'.\ |
| 675 | \ |
| 676 | '''Input:''' 1 copy of 'Battleblock theater'.\ |
| 677 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 678 | '''Output:''' 1 plastic cube. The song [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwZISypgA9M 'It's a secret']] from the game 'Battleblock theater' appears to be playing anomalously from the cube, [[ItWontTurnOff with no end]].\ |
| 679 | ''[[IncessantMusicMadness Someone make it stop.]] -Dr. Calloway'' |
| 680 | * Remember, safety first! |
| 681 | -->'''Test 914-0429'''\ |
| 682 | '''Name:''' Jr. Researcher Stan\ |
| 683 | '''Date:''' 19/02/2019\ |
| 684 | '''Total Items:''' One squeezable plastic pouch of instant drink mix, fruit punch flavored\ |
| 685 | \ |
| 686 | '''Input:''' Drink mix\ |
| 687 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 688 | '''Output:''' A similarly shaped pouch to the original. The label read "'''Bomb'''astic Explosive Flavor!" with no nutrition information or ingredients.\ |
| 689 | ''Note: We've decided to test this in a reinforced chamber with a remote arm. [[StuffBlowingUp I think you know why.]] -Stan''\ |
| 690 | ''Results: A technician operated the remote arm from behind reinforced glass with Jr. Researcher Stan. The remote arm poured the mix into a glass of water. Drink mix was shown to be colored bright red. Upon fully diffusing into the water, it began to violently react and created a small explosion, destroying the glass and sending shards throughout the room. Remote arm and drink pouch were unharmed.''\ |
| 691 | ''Note: I was expecting something more grenade-like, but it was awesome anyway. [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong We got permission to break open the pouch over a 20-liter tub.]] -Stan''\ |
| 692 | ''Results: Remote arm was used to crush the pouch, spilling most of its contents into the tub. After roughly five minutes, the water in the tub began to react, bubbling and spilling its contents, making loud gurgling noises. A loud bang is audible as the camera feed cuts out. Later inspection shows the camera was destroyed when a piece of the tub impacted it and broke it open, allowing water to damage the circuitry. The remote arm was also destroyed by a mixture of blunt force damage, shrapnel, and water.\ |
| 693 | Note: [[BringMyBrownPants Anybody got some clean pants I can borrow?]] -Stan'' |
| 694 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0430[[/labelnote]] Researcher Calloway hasn't gotten the memo that testing with amnestics is a bad idea. |
| 695 | -->'''Input:''' 1 vial of aerosol amnestic solution.\ |
| 696 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 697 | '''Output:''' A colorless, odorless gas. Detection methods proved unable to detect the gas, so the chamber was declared empty, and several researchers, including Calloway, were affected. The gas proved to be anomalous, with the effect of making all subjects who inhale it speak and write backwards for an unknown length of time.\ |
| 698 | ''Note: .sruoh flah a dna eerht rof siht ekil kcuts neeb ev'I ,em pleh enoemoS [[labelnote:Translation]]Someone help me, I've been stuck like this for three and a half hours.[[/labelnote]] -Researcher Calloway\ |
| 699 | Note: We're going to let him sit this one out for the duration of the effect [[WhatWereYouThinking to allow him to ponder the question]]: [[TooDumbToLive Is testing of mind-affecting substances through unpredictable anomalous objects a good idea?]] No one tell him the answer; he'll have to come up with it on his own. - Dr. Veritas.'' |
| 700 | * '''The very next test''' makes the same mistake: |
| 701 | -->'''Test 914-0431'''\ |
| 702 | '''Name:''' Dr. Tsubasa\ |
| 703 | '''Date:''' 21/02/2019\ |
| 704 | '''Total Items:''' One vial of Y-909.\ |
| 705 | \ |
| 706 | '''Input:''' See above.\ |
| 707 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 708 | '''Output:''' [REDACTED]. Object seems to emit a pulse of an unknown energy that renders all who view it [[DeathOfPersonality to immediately revert to a vegetable-like state]]. Object was terminated by several members of the amnestics division.\ |
| 709 | \ |
| 710 | ''Note: Oh thank god I wasn't there to see it, I needed to take a [REDACTED]. -Dr. Tsubasa\ |
| 711 | Note: [[LampshadeHanging .sekatsim ym morf denrael evah dluohS]] [[labelnote:Translation]]Should have learned from my mistakes.[[/labelnote]] -Sr. Researcher Calloway'' |
| 712 | * The best candidate for Darby's "[[EstablishingCharacterMoment Moron Event Horizon]]" is probably his "dihydrogen monoxide" test: |
| 713 | -->'''Test 914-0433'''\ |
| 714 | '''Name:''' Researcher Darby\ |
| 715 | '''Date:''' 20/02/2019\ |
| 716 | '''Total Items:''' One 2-Liter Tub of water (Labeled Di-Hydrogen Monoxide), One pamphlet describing the dangers of Di-hydrogen Monoxide;\ |
| 717 | ''This test is to see if SCP-914 can fall for the same "Tricks" as we can''\ |
| 718 | \ |
| 719 | '''Input:''' One Di-Hydrogen Monoxide Pamphlet\ |
| 720 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 721 | '''Output:''' One Pamphlet describing the dangers of Pollution\ |
| 722 | ''The Framework has been set, now to see what it does to "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"''\ |
| 723 | \ |
| 724 | ''The bucket of water was carried in a sealed container by four men in haz-mat suits as if it was an incredibly dangerous liquid.''\ |
| 725 | '''Input:''' One 2-Liter Tub of "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide"\ |
| 726 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 727 | '''Output:''' One 2-Liter Tub of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide\ |
| 728 | ''[[TemptingFate It did nothing?]] I was expecting it to super heat it or destroy it in some way, well, better deal with this water and [[LethallyStupid dispose of it properly]]. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 729 | \ |
| 730 | '''''[[EpicFail Site-19 has been put into Quarantine]] until the "Di-Hydrogen Monoxide" can be flushed out of the drainage system and affected areas. SCP-914 apparently turned the bucket of water into a bucket of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide, this change was only detected when Researcher Darby was put into the medical bay approximately two hours after drinking from the bucket. All reported claims of Di-Hydrogen monoxide as stated by the pamphlet are revealed to be the case as reported by medical staff's examination of the researcher.'''''\ |
| 731 | ''Note: Please, please, test everything that comes out of 914 if it looks unchanged. This was quite annoying to deal with… - Dr. Range - Site 19 Medical Department\ |
| 732 | Note: He actually drank from the ██████ bucket? I'm signing a disclaimer right now, not to be the one responsible for cleaning up his corpse when [[TooDumbToLive the idiot inevitably gets himself killed]]. - Dr. Veritas'' |
| 733 | * An attempt to defictionalize [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 Bonk! Atomic Punch]] goes exactly how you'd expect. |
| 734 | -->'''Test 914-0436'''\ |
| 735 | '''Name:''' Dr. Artium\ |
| 736 | '''Date:''' 20/02/2019\ |
| 737 | '''Total Items:''' One copy of the game "Team Fortress 2", One "Scout Picture", One aluminum can filled with drink mix\ |
| 738 | ''With multiple video game-related tests conducted with 914, I thought that I would test results with this game due to the high number of random objects that appear in the game, this may help determine what 914 would determine as worthy of "fine" and "very fine". -Artium''\ |
| 739 | \ |
| 740 | '''Input:''' All of the above items\ |
| 741 | '''Setting:''' very fine\ |
| 742 | '''Output:''' One full can of "Bonk Atomic Punch". D-Class personnel performed a test to review if it had the same effect as in-game ''Atomic Punch''. After a single sip, D-41241-WA [[HollywoodHeartAttack immediately grabbed their chest in pain and collapsed]]. On conduction of an autopsy, medical staff confirmed the cause of death to be a heart attack, along with toxic amounts of plastic and wood pulp forming in the stomach and liver, presumably the remains of the game and the picture.\ |
| 743 | \ |
| 744 | ''Note: It appears that the drink's total amount of sugar [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome conformed to reality]], so instead of [[SuperSpeed making a person able to move impossible speeds]], their heart rate elevated impossible speeds. -Artium.\ |
| 745 | Why are you letting '''UNRESTRAINED''' D-Class test this in the first place? They could escape if the effect had been to speed them up rather than blow their hearts with sugar! - Researcher [[PunnyName Al Catraz]]'' |
| 746 | * Testing with data storage devices ends terribly for Darby: |
| 747 | -->'''Test 914-0450'''\ |
| 748 | '''Name:''' Researcher Darby\ |
| 749 | '''Date:''' 28/02/2019\ |
| 750 | '''Total Items:''' One Calendar for the year 2019, Map of the world circa 2019, [[strike:One Set of Handcuffs,]] One copy of the Voyager II disk, One 2 Terabyte Hard-drive\ |
| 751 | \ |
| 752 | '''Input:''' One Calendar circa 2019\ |
| 753 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 754 | '''Output:''' One Calendar circa 9102\ |
| 755 | ''Well, now we know the day [[WorldWarIII WW3]] started, there's a memorial for it on [REDACTED].''\ |
| 756 | \ |
| 757 | '''Input:''' Map of the world circa 2019\ |
| 758 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 759 | '''Output:''' [[ApocalypseHow Paper mache Nuclear mushroom]]\ |
| 760 | ''[[{{Understatement}} That's worrying.]]''\ |
| 761 | \ |
| 762 | '''Input:''' Voyager II disk copy\ |
| 763 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 764 | '''Output:''' [[strike:Unchanged]] '''Unknown'''\ |
| 765 | ''Staff have no memory of taking disk out of output booth, but it cannot be found and several researchers are reporting symptoms similar to amnesiac victims.''\ |
| 766 | \ |
| 767 | '''Input:''' One 2 Terabyte hard drive\ |
| 768 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 769 | '''Output:''' [[strike:Unchanged]] Hard Drive now acts as a matter containment device, device specifications (Storage: 500 Meters[[superscript:2]]) has been inscribed on packaging along with the Apple logo.\ |
| 770 | ''Note: Researcher Darby was [[TooDumbToLive absorbed through contact upon picking up device with bare hands]]. At this time, Researcher Darby still has not been recovered, though several attempts have been made and tests are ongoing.\ |
| 771 | Note: If he doesn't survive this time, let it be known that I called it. - Dr. Veritas'' |
| 772 | * This may be 914's Greatest TakeThat yet: |
| 773 | -->'''Test 914-0465'''\ |
| 774 | '''Name:''' Dr. Viridine\ |
| 775 | '''Date:''' 03/09/2019\ |
| 776 | '''Total Items:''' One Blu-ray copy of the full series of Film/{{Twilight}}, one printed copy of the "Fanfic/MyImmortal" fanfiction\ |
| 777 | \ |
| 778 | '''Input:''' Blu-ray disk containing all Twilight movies.\ |
| 779 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 780 | '''Output:''' A blu-ray disk containing the entire [[Film/Underworld2003 Underworld]] series. Upon further examination, a note within the case of said disk reading "[[BigNo NO]]" was found in the place of a printed digital download code.\ |
| 781 | ''Note: Me too, 914. Me too. -Dr. Viridine''\ |
| 782 | \ |
| 783 | '''Input:''' Printed copy of "My Immortal" fanfiction.\ |
| 784 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 785 | '''Output:''' A hardcover copy of a book titled simply "HOW TO WRITE". Pages completely blank. Experimentation revealed that if a reader viewed each page within the book, they were suddenly compelled to write. Several D-Class subjects were instructed to read the book, and each produced within several hours a full draft of a fictional story with an incredibly detailed plot. Permission of further research on book and possible classification as an anomaly of its own requested.\ |
| 786 | ''Note: I think even 914 is disgusted by that fic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a completed manuscript to email to my publisher. -Dr. Viridine'' |
| 787 | * Darby pisses off a terracotta army: |
| 788 | -->'''Test 914-0469'''\ |
| 789 | '''Name:''' Researcher I. Darby\ |
| 790 | '''Date:''' 18/03/2019\ |
| 791 | '''Total Items:''' 5 Terracotta Soldiers\ |
| 792 | ''Note: These were obtained in a completely "Legal" manner''\ |
| 793 | \ |
| 794 | '''Input:''' Terracotta Soldier\ |
| 795 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 796 | '''Output:''' Pile of clay shards and dust\ |
| 797 | ''Note: My intern said he heard screams, [[ItsProbablyNothing I think he's imagining it]] so I'm sending him to get the components for my next experiment from storage.''\ |
| 798 | \ |
| 799 | '''Input:''' Terracotta Soldier\ |
| 800 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 801 | '''Output:''' Neatly disassembled and arranged on floor of booth\ |
| 802 | ''Note: Put straps on those pieces and you could wear it like armor.''\ |
| 803 | \ |
| 804 | '''Input:''' Terracotta Soldier\ |
| 805 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 806 | '''Output:''' Egyptian Anubis statue (Shrunk to size)\ |
| 807 | ''Note: What? Why? How? [[FridgeBrilliance Oh wait]], the soldiers guard the Emperor in death and the statues guard the tomb.''\ |
| 808 | \ |
| 809 | '''Input:''' Terracotta Soldier\ |
| 810 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 811 | '''Output:''' Terracotta Soldier\ |
| 812 | ''Note: The soldier has been cleaned and refurbished as if it was brand new.''\ |
| 813 | \ |
| 814 | '''Input:''' Terracotta Soldier\ |
| 815 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 816 | '''Output:''' Animate Terracotta Soldier, exited output booth with a confused expression until seeing Researcher I. Darby. It then moved in an aggressive manner while yelling early Chinese; upon reaching Researcher I. Darby, [[NoHoldsBarredBeatdown it proceeded to assault him]] until it was crippled by security personnel and put into containment. Researcher I. Darby suffered several broken bones and has been sent to the infirmary while the Terracotta soldier is interrogated.\ |
| 817 | ''Note: Audio translation of Chinese; '''You devil! You killed the Emperor! [[IllKillYou NOW I WILL KILL YOU!]]'''\ |
| 818 | Note: I caught a few junior researchers taking bets on Darby's demise, how long he has and in which manner he'll get himself killed. Take that outside of my testing area and [[NotSoAboveItAll put 50 bucks on 12 months for me]]. Crushed by a large object. - Dr. Veritas'' |
| 819 | * Test #0472 is gut-busting, but sadly cannot be transcribed here because of [[PaintingTheMedium the unbelievably chaotic formatting]]. Long story short, computer viruses and incompetence were involved. |
| 820 | -->''Thanks for the extra work, buddy.'' -Rosen |
| 821 | * [[https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-743 SCP-743]] would be proud: |
| 822 | -->'''Test 914-0477'''\ |
| 823 | '''Name:''' Researcher I. Darby\ |
| 824 | '''Date:''' 20/03/2019\ |
| 825 | '''Total Items:''' 3 Mech Blueprints, 3 Tons of Steel, 3 AI Cores, Box of Chocolates\ |
| 826 | \ |
| 827 | '''Input:''' 1 Mech Blueprint, 1 Ton of Steel, 1 AI Cores\ |
| 828 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 829 | '''Output:''' 1 Blueprint of Site-██, .90 Ton Pure Iron, .05 Ton Diamond, .05 Ton Unidentified, 1 AI Core of a different model.\ |
| 830 | ''Note: Can I sell those diamonds? I need the money. - Researcher Darby\ |
| 831 | Note: [[HaHaHaNo That's hilarious, Darby.]] - Veritas''\ |
| 832 | \ |
| 833 | '''Input:''' 1 Mech Blueprint, 1 Ton of Steel, 1 AI Cores\ |
| 834 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 835 | '''Output:''' 1 Steel Cube with Paper accents, (AI Core implanted inside)\ |
| 836 | ''Note: Scrapping this, you can't even use the AI as it has no outlet.''\ |
| 837 | \ |
| 838 | '''Input:''' 1 Mech Blueprint, 1 Ton of Steel, 1 AI Cores\ |
| 839 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 840 | '''Output:''' 1 Unarmed [[HumongousMecha Automatic Mech]]\ |
| 841 | ''Note: Once I finish this next test I'll send it to MTF Command to be used containing anomalous objects. - Darby\ |
| 842 | Note: Yeah, they're not exactly subtle. If we were to use these, we're limited to using them only in Transformer cosplay events. - MTF Captain Niles.''\ |
| 843 | \ |
| 844 | '''Input:''' Box of Chocolates\ |
| 845 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 846 | '''Output:''' Miniature feminine humanoid produced entirely from chocolate.\ |
| 847 | ''Upon output booth opening, Object rushed at Researcher Darby and proceeded to feed him chocolate until he fainted from inability to breath through the chocolate. Then the Object avoided Security Personnel attempts to contain it and accessed the Mech from the previous test, which it used to enact a massive Containment Breach until MTF forces took it down with a AT weapon. Researcher Darby is in ICU due to Medical Personnel taking longer to reach him due to Containment Breach.'' |
| 848 | * Researcher Darby plays RussianRoulette with 914: |
| 849 | -->'''Test 914-0481'''\ |
| 850 | '''Name:''' Researcher I. Darby\ |
| 851 | '''Date:''' 22/03/2019\ |
| 852 | '''Total Items:''' Can of Onion Powder\ |
| 853 | ''Note: Researcher I. Darby is out of ICU on probation and feels well enough for a small test''\ |
| 854 | \ |
| 855 | '''Input:''' Can of Onion Powder\ |
| 856 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 857 | '''Output:''' Tear Gas Grenade\ |
| 858 | ''Note: Uhh, no one touch anything until I grab a gas mask.''\ |
| 859 | \ |
| 860 | '''Input:''' Output From Previous\ |
| 861 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 862 | '''Output:''' Mustard Gas Grenade\ |
| 863 | ''Note: [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong That's not good, but I'm going to see how far this will go.]]''\ |
| 864 | \ |
| 865 | '''Input:''' Output From Previous\ |
| 866 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 867 | '''Output:''' CS Gas Grenade\ |
| 868 | ''Note: That's better than the last output, but still dangerous.''\ |
| 869 | \ |
| 870 | '''Input:''' Output From Previous\ |
| 871 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 872 | '''Output:''' Agent Orange Grenade\ |
| 873 | ''Note: I'm going to go and grab a NBRC Haz-Mat suit.''\ |
| 874 | \ |
| 875 | '''Input:''' Output From Previous\ |
| 876 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 877 | '''Output:''' Incendiary Grenade\ |
| 878 | ''Note: At least it's not a Gas Grenade, [[TemptingFate going to run it one last time]].''\ |
| 879 | \ |
| 880 | '''Input:''' Output From Previous\ |
| 881 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 882 | '''Output:''' White Phosphorus Grenade ([[SomebodySetUpUsTheBomb Ring Pulled]])\ |
| 883 | ''Note: [[OhCrap EVERYBODY OUT NOW!!]]''\ |
| 884 | \ |
| 885 | ''Incident Report: Researcher I. Darby was severely wounded by White Phosphorous in his attempt to force his Assistant Personnel and Security Escort out of the SCP-914 Containment Area. SCP-914 was not damaged, but its Containment Area requires cleaning and minor repair. Researcher I. Darby has been returned to the ICU and has been banned from using SCP-914 until he is fully healed. - Site Manager\ |
| 886 | Note: Maybe SCP-914 is still on the Fritz after that panel got taken off. - Jr. Researcher Norton\ |
| 887 | Note: [[TooDumbToLive Every test this guy does is a spit in Darwin's face.]] It's a miracle that he survived this long, I have half a mind to have him classified as an anomalous object. [[INeedAFreakingDrink Someone get me a bloody aspirin.]] - Veritas'' |
| 888 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0497[[/labelnote]] 914 has unique taste in knock-knock jokes. [[note]]Bonus points for this being the second appearance of Professor Wren, who is explicitly trying to test 914's sense of humor.[[/note]] In summary: "Knock knock. Who's there? Peak hatch. Peak hatch who?" [[note]]Extra bonus points for Professor Wren realizing where the joke is headed at "Peak hatch" and having a LamePunReaction.[[/note]] |
| 889 | -->The note card is now folded into the shape of a rodent-like creature, confirmed to be the mascot of the ''Franchise/{{Pokemon}}'' franchise. Upon the creature's name being uttered, [[{{Rimshot}} the sound of 2 snare drums and a cymbal were heard from an unknown location]]. |
| 890 | [[/folder]] |
| 891 | |
| 892 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 0500-0599]] |
| 893 | * SCP-914 has no patience for IKEA products: |
| 894 | -->'''Test 914-0505'''\ |
| 895 | '''Name:''' Guest Researcher Prof. Wren\ |
| 896 | '''Date:''' 03/04/2019\ |
| 897 | '''Total Items:''' One "Stuva" loft bed manufactured by IKEA (unassembled and still in box)\ |
| 898 | ''Note: We've seen this machine work miracles in the past. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren''\ |
| 899 | \ |
| 900 | '''Input:''' The aforementioned box with all proper contents inside.\ |
| 901 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 902 | ''Note: For about 14 minutes after I turned the key, nothing happened. I'm pretty sure I heard lots of clanging and banging from in there, though. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren''\ |
| 903 | '''Output:''' A heavily damaged cardboard box, multiple furniture pieces assembled in a shape vaguely resembling a giraffe with others strewn around the floor, [REDACTED] origami throwing stars later determined to be made from the assembly instructions. The paper stars were clocked exiting the "Output" booth for a duration of 48 seconds at speeds of up to 526 kilometers per hour and struck Prof. Wren in multiple locations, including multiple strikes to the face and groin. No serious injuries were reported.\ |
| 904 | ''Yeah, can't blame you there, 914. Gotta say, though, the origami game is definitely on point. Pun fully intended. -Guest Researcher Prof. Wren.\ |
| 905 | Note: A copy of the security footage has been made available with the professor's permission for anyone who wishes to view it.'' |
| 906 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0514[[/labelnote]] Fun with… cannons?! |
| 907 | -->'''Input:''' 1 Howitzer, 1 Log, 1 Copy [of [REDACTED] paperwork]\ |
| 908 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 909 | '''Output:''' 1 Test Log Cannon, upon booth doors opening the cannon proceeded to wheel itself out. When Researcher Darby exited his control booth to examine the object, it proceeded aim itself at Researcher Darby and fire with no discernible trigger. The projectile appeared to be a small (6cm) log of compressed SCP-914 experiment logs and it exited the barrel of the cannon at a relatively low speed for a cannon. However, the velocity was still enough to put Researcher Darby in the infirmary for severe blunt force trauma.\ |
| 910 | ''Note: I think I'm getting a flak vest, or maybe a suit of armor - Researcher Darby\ |
| 911 | Note: Money changing hands due to bets made on Darby's injuries can be done '''outside of my testing area.''' -Veritas'' |
| 912 | * SCP-914 appears to have a lot of respect for Bob Ross: |
| 913 | -->'''Test 914-0527'''\ |
| 914 | '''Name:''' Researcher Lombardi\ |
| 915 | '''Date:''' 06/04/2019\ |
| 916 | '''Total Items:''' One canvas, easel, and a selection of oil based paints. One VHS containing a selection of 'The Joy of Painting' Episodes.\ |
| 917 | ''Note: 914 has been encouraged to do creative acts before - let's see if adding instruction helps. - Lombardi''\ |
| 918 | \ |
| 919 | '''Input:''' One canvas, easel, and a selection of oil based paints. One VHS containing a selection of 'The Joy of Painting' Episodes.\ |
| 920 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 921 | '''Output:''' As above. The paints have been mixed to more closely match the colors commonly used by Bob Ross. The contents of the VHS has been altered to contain different episodes of 'The Joy of Painting' - all of which have been verified identical to existing broadcast episodes.\ |
| 922 | ''Note: 914 has locked onto the theme at least. Now we will test if upping the setting results in a painting of the given style. - Lombardi''\ |
| 923 | \ |
| 924 | '''Input:''' Output of previous test\ |
| 925 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 926 | '''Output:''' A VHS case formed out of the canvas, easel, and plastics of the paint containers. Case has a grayish brown color, created by mixing all of the paints together. VHS now contains episodes of 'The Joy of Multidimensional Manipulation'. Each episode depicts Bob Ross operating 914 to produce fantastical and anomalous creations.\ |
| 927 | Ross demonstrates a great deal of skill and familiarity with the device, explaining why he places a given item into 914, along with other factors that influence its output. These include specific thoughts or visualizations in his mind, temperature and humidity levels of his studio, and amount of light shining upon 914. These explanations do not provide insight into 914's operation, as they are offered as a means to an end. Example: ''"I've turned it up to the 'fine' setting now. I want super-cooled fiber optic sheets, so while I turn this key [[ARareSentence I of course need to think about my grandparents driving along a busy highway discussing their taxes.]]"''\ |
| 928 | Each episode follows a similar format: |
| 929 | --->• Bob Ross declares what sort of creation he will be making during the show. |
| 930 | --->• He wheels out a series of bins containing common household objects. |
| 931 | --->• He begins refining them on various settings - frequently switching between 'very fine' and 'coarse' to create some advanced piece of work and then break it down safely into component parts. |
| 932 | --->• Frequently he will manually combine or alter items outside of the device, usually to cause some sort of expected chemical change. |
| 933 | --->• In cases where an output is hazardous, he has appropriate safety gear on site both for himself and for viewers. This can take the form of censoring of video or muting of audio if output contains a memetic hazard. |
| 934 | --->• Has a similar arc to most 'Joy of Painting' episodes in that the creations seem to progress steadily towards the desired output, regress considerably halfway through the process, only to come together perfectly at the end. |
| 935 | -->The tape contains the following episodes: |
| 936 | --->• 'A crystalline trumpet that emits music notes of pure energy' |
| 937 | --->• 'Anti-gravity rollerskates' |
| 938 | --->• 'Edible stars' |
| 939 | --->• 'A rainbow that can be molded like clay.' |
| 940 | -->''Note: Of course Bob Ross makes it look easy. - Lombardi'' |
| 941 | * SCP-914 doesn't seem to know what to make of SCP-682... or maybe it knows ''[[TheDreaded exactly]]'' what to make of it: |
| 942 | -->'''Test 914-0536'''\ |
| 943 | '''Name:''' Doctor Sheath\ |
| 944 | '''Date:''' 09/04/2019\ |
| 945 | '''Total items:''' Five incomplete test logs, with the input as "SCP-682."\ |
| 946 | ''Note: Don't lie, we’re all curious what would happen. Hopefully 914 can fill in the gaps for us. -Dr. Sheath''\ |
| 947 | \ |
| 948 | '''Input:''' One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Rough."\ |
| 949 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 950 | '''Output:''' One incomplete test log, with input "Rough" and setting "SCP-682."\ |
| 951 | ''Note: No, not quite, 914. Try again.''\ |
| 952 | \ |
| 953 | '''Input:''' One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Coarse."\ |
| 954 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 955 | '''Output:''' One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "[[{{Pun}} course]]." Included at the bottom is a childlike doodle of SCP-682 in a racecar driving along a race course.\ |
| 956 | ''Note: I'm not sure it understands what I'm going for.''\ |
| 957 | \ |
| 958 | '''Input:''' One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "1:1."\ |
| 959 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 960 | '''Output:''' One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-1" and setting "682:682."\ |
| 961 | \ |
| 962 | '''Input:''' One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682" and setting "Fine."\ |
| 963 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 964 | '''Output:''' One incomplete test log for Experiment Log T-98816-[=OC108/682=], detailing an attempt to kill SCP-682 [[FastballSpecial by throwing SCP-914 at it]].\ |
| 965 | \ |
| 966 | '''Input:''' One incomplete test log, with input "SCP-682” and setting “Very Fine."\ |
| 967 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 968 | '''Output:''' One piece of paper, with a cognitohazardous symbol on it. Those who look at it fall into a dreamlike state where they imagine a titanic SCP-682 ruling over something. No two dreams have been the same thus far.\ |
| 969 | ''Note: The paper has been incinerated at the request of many. All I saw was 682 burning down the entire planet. Apparently I got lucky. Some researchers witnessed it eating a galaxy, others [[ForcedToWatch saw it killing individual family members]], and at least two [[NoYay saw it try to seduce them]].'' |
| 970 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0538[[/labelnote]]Dr. King tries to get Researcher Devyn to produce a catalytic generator with 100% efficiency by using SCP-682. The output consists of several dozen tiny generators that supposedly have the cognitohazardous property of looking like [[RunningGag apple seeds]] when viewed directly, and [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial certainly weren't initially mistaken for appleseeds]]. |
| 971 | -->''Note: Dammit, should have known this would happen…also, what the hell are you people talking about? Those are clearly [EXPLETIVE DELETED] apple seeds. -Researcher Devyn'' |
| 972 | * Fun with quantum mechanics: |
| 973 | -->'''Test 914-0540'''\ |
| 974 | '''Name:''' Researcher Darby\ |
| 975 | '''Date:''' 10/04/2019\ |
| 976 | '''Total Items:''' 5 Papers on Quantum Theory, 5 small balls of steel, 4 beef Ramen bowls;\ |
| 977 | ''Note: Who took that last bowl of beef ramen? Also, don't ask what the point of this is because I have no answer. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 978 | \ |
| 979 | '''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel;\ |
| 980 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 981 | '''Output:''' Shreds of Paper and Steel fragments;\ |
| 982 | ''Note: Not surprised - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 983 | \ |
| 984 | '''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;\ |
| 985 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 986 | '''Output:''' Paper, Steel, Plastic, and Ramen neatly separated along with a puddle of ink;\ |
| 987 | ''Note: Again, standard coarse reaction to input. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 988 | \ |
| 989 | '''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;\ |
| 990 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 991 | '''Output:''' Paper on Planetary Physics, Steel Cube, Chicken Ramen bowl;\ |
| 992 | ''Note: In my opinion 914, turning a perfectly good bowl of Beef Ramen to a bowl of Chicken Ramen is regression, not equivalent exchange. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 993 | \ |
| 994 | '''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;\ |
| 995 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 996 | '''Output:''' Paper describing 7th Dimension travel, Steel bull, Cooked beef Ramen, [[MindScrew Researcher Darby]];\ |
| 997 | ''Note: I'm looking at myself watching me write this note…. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 998 | \ |
| 999 | '''Input:''' Paper on Quantum Theory, Ball of Steel, Beef Ramen bowl;\ |
| 1000 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1001 | '''Output:''' Animate Steel Beetle with Ramen and Plastic Legs and Paper Wings. Upon exiting output booth, it charged at Researcher Darby's control booth and forced him to enter the Input booth. Researcher Darby's Intern attempted to rescue Researcher Darby, but was stopped by a burst of ink from the Beetle and the Quantum Darby holding him back. Once Researcher Darby was fully inside the Input booth, the Beetle initiated SCP-914 (on Very Fine) and managed to slip inside the input booth before it closed. When 914 finished refining, security personnel attempted to rescue Researcher Darby, but instant examination of the Output booth showed that both Researcher Darby and the Beetle were gone.\ |
| 1002 | ''Note: It had to happen. Otherwise, we would be stuck in a [[TimeParadox paradox]], and nothing gets done. I would also like my Researcher status restored, as I am Researcher Darby and not a Quantum Anomaly. - Quantum Darby\ |
| 1003 | Note: Darby, are you stealing my beef Ramen bowls through some sort of quantum shenanigans? Cause if you are, then I would appreciate if you would stop, as the Ramen is the food for my mug cat. Also, try asking Rosen if he can help you with the status problem. Also, where are you? -Intern Lunar.\ |
| 1004 | Note: Apparently I don't exist anymore, I'd tell you my location but I'm not even sure where that is. - Researcher Darby'' |
| 1005 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0548[[/labelnote]]Dr. Matism tries inputting a note that says [[TemptingFate "Don't expose me to a cognitohazard please"]] and gets back a note with symbols that induce extreme cravings for Mexican food. This would be the end of it... except somebody puts the note in the site cafeteria on pizza Wednesday, resulting in everyone refusing to eat. |
| 1006 | * Should have seen this one coming.[[note]]Keep in mind that SCP-914 is explicitly stated to follow conservation of mass; however much matter goes in is the exact same amount of matter that goes out.[[/note]] |
| 1007 | -->'''Test 914-0552'''\ |
| 1008 | '''Name:''' Dr. V█████\ |
| 1009 | '''Date:''' 11/04/2019\ |
| 1010 | '''Total items:''' One toolbox containing one each of the following: A flathead screwdriver, a Phillips screwdriver, a claw hammer, a ballpeen hammer, a 16' measuring tape, a hacksaw, needle-nose pliers, vice grips, a crescent wrench adjustable to up to 2-1/2", a set of metric Allen wrenches, and a set of standard Allen wrenches.\ |
| 1011 | ''Note: [[TemptingFate If all goes well with this test]], this will create the perfect multi-tool, suitable for any task. Then [[FreudianSlip I…er, the Foundation, rather]], can reverse-engineer it and market it for millions! -Dr. V█████''\ |
| 1012 | \ |
| 1013 | '''Input:''' The toolbox.\ |
| 1014 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1015 | '''Output:''' A large, multi-limbed arthropodal creature made of plastic and metal. Its abdomen and head resembled the toolbox. At the end of each limb was the end of one of the tools. Immediately upon the "Output" booth opening, the creature attacked Dr. V█████ and smashed his head in with its hammer-appendages, killing him instantly. Security personnel moved in and destroyed the creature.\ |
| 1016 | \ |
| 1017 | ''Note: [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong "If all goes well with this test?"]] He seriously said that? Since when has that '''ever''' happened with anything involving 914, especially on the Very Fine setting? I've only been here a few weeks and even I know better than that. -Prof. Wren\ |
| 1018 | Note: If he was trying to do this for profit, you could say [[{{Pun}} he was being a tool]]. Also, yeah, don't think Very Fine is going to do what you want. -Intern Lunar\ |
| 1019 | Note: Why is the body count in my testing area on par with bloody 682's termination record? Am I not strict enough in security measures or [[SurroundedByIdiots are half of my research staff just drooling imbeciles?!]] - Veritas'' |
| 1020 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0553[[/labelnote]] Testing with painkillers has intriguing results. |
| 1021 | -->'''Input:''' One of the above mentioned vials.\ |
| 1022 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1023 | '''Output:''' Prescription Vial of 12 unmarked pills, each of which are the equivalent to the mass of two pills. Official Site-██ Prescription Sticker on front of vial now says "914 brand Pain Killers. Take one every 24 hours for instantaneous pain relief." D-Class testing reveals that all previous sensations that could be defined as uncomfortable are immediately alleviated for exactly 24 hours. No negative side effects have been witnessed at this time.\ |
| 1024 | ''Note: After having it tested for anomalous tendencies, I'm going to bring this to the lab for possible reverse-engineering. Lord knows that you people could use these. -Doctor S.''\ |
| 1025 | \ |
| 1026 | '''Input:''' One of the above mentioned vials\ |
| 1027 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1028 | '''Output:''' One Plastic Prescription Vial of 24 unmarked pills. Official Site-██ Prescription Sticker on front of vial now says "914 brand Pain. [[SchmuckBait Take one every 12 hours for instantaneous pain.]]" Within three seconds of being consumed by D-Class, subjects fall to ground screaming in agony. Within 1 hour, subjects stopped screaming due to loss of voice, but continued to roll of ground in agony for 2 more hours before being administered a "914 brand Painkiller" to test which drug is more powerful. Subjects state there was still a dull throb of pain across their entire body after being administered pain killer. A physical evaluation of subjects reveal no lingering damage to internal organ structure or bodily functions.\ |
| 1029 | ''Note: I guess 914 doesn't care much for "Do No Harm" -Doctor S.'' |
| 1030 | * Mixing soda and hot sauce in SCP-914 proves to be a bad idea: |
| 1031 | -->'''Test 914-0556'''\ |
| 1032 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren\ |
| 1033 | '''Date:''' 11/04/2019\ |
| 1034 | '''Items:''' Three 12-oz. bottles of homemade soda, 1 8-oz. container of fruit salad, 1 bag of Earl Grey tea, 1 packet of hot sauce.\ |
| 1035 | ''Notes: As disgusting as I'm sure that Passion Fruit-Ranch stuff 914 made a can for the other night, it did give me a couple of ideas. If these pan out, we might be able to market them on a front company for increased revenue. Or at least serve them in the break room. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 1036 | \ |
| 1037 | '''Input:''' 1 bottle of soda, 1 container of fruit salad.\ |
| 1038 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1039 | '''Output:''' One 20-oz bottle of carbonated beverage. The label shows a variety of fruit made entirely out of bubbles.\ |
| 1040 | ''Note: Tried a bit after it was cleared of hazards. As expected, it's soda with a mixed variety of fruit flavors, most prominently apple, grape, and strawberry. Marketability level: 8.5/10. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 1041 | \ |
| 1042 | '''Input:''' 1 bottle of soda, 1 tea bag.\ |
| 1043 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1044 | '''Output:''' One 12-oz bottle of brown liquid, warm to the touch, and 2 small cubes later identified as pure cane sugar. The label shows the Union Jack made entirely of bubbles.\ |
| 1045 | ''Note: Tried a bit after it was cleared of hazards. Basically, it made carbonated tea and stripped the sugar I used to make the stuff out entirely. Yuck. Marketability level: 1.0/10. -Prof Wren''\ |
| 1046 | \ |
| 1047 | '''Input:''' 1 bottle of soda, 1 packet of hot sauce.\ |
| 1048 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1049 | '''Output:''' One 12-oz bottle of fizzy red liquid, shaking violently. Security footage showed the label to have nuclear hazard symbols around the edges with the word "CAUTION!!" repeated over and over in between. Bottle [[MadeOfExplodium exploded]] shortly after the "output" booth opened, spraying the booth with liquid and glass shards while lodging the cap in the ceiling. No indication of NBR hazards were found; explosion thought to be caused by the liquid being superheated. Cleanup crews cleaned the "output" booth of soda spray and shattered glass without incident.\ |
| 1050 | ''Note: I thought this one might be a bad idea going in, but I didn't think it'd be THAT bad. Marketability level: -∞/10. -Prof. Wren'' |
| 1051 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0567[[/labelnote]] More fun with credit cards: |
| 1052 | -->'''Input:''' One [=MasterCard=].\ |
| 1053 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1054 | '''Output:''' The card appears unchanged. When used, it seemingly pays with money from a random person's bank accounts, even if they don't own a credit card.\ |
| 1055 | \ |
| 1056 | '''Input:''' One [=MasterCard=].\ |
| 1057 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1058 | '''Output:''' The card appears unchanged. When picked up by Researcher Luke, it began materializing money in the output booth. During the process, a sudden drop in Researcher Luke's bank account balance was noticed and is proportional to the money created by the object. Anomalous activities ceased when the object was dropped. The object was moved to anomalous objects-storage and the money was returned to Researcher Luke.\ |
| 1059 | ''Note: [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh boy]], one day this thing's gonna ruin my existence. -R. Luke'' |
| 1060 | * Darby and Calloway collaborate on a test. Disaster ensues. |
| 1061 | -->'''Test 914-0559'''\ |
| 1062 | '''Name:''' Researchers Calloway and Darby\ |
| 1063 | '''Date:''' 12/04/2019\ |
| 1064 | '''Total Items:''' 15 kilograms of steel, 15 capacitors, 2 hard drives, 2 notes with smiley faces\ |
| 1065 | ''Note {Darby}: I am missing a hard drive due to someone forgetting which way goes up in transit and breaking it. Also I have had my Researcher status restored on probation, they still don't believe I'm the same Darby that went into 914 and came out [REDACTED] years prior to that test.''\ |
| 1066 | \ |
| 1067 | ''Note: These next two tests were performed by Researcher Darby.''\ |
| 1068 | \ |
| 1069 | '''Input:''' 6 kilograms steel, 6 capacitors, hard drive\ |
| 1070 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1071 | '''Output:''' 6 1-kilogram Steel cockroaches run by AA batteries (presumably what the capacitors transformed into), 1 control module with mini USB female port.\ |
| 1072 | ''Note {Darby}: I can plug this into my laptop, let's see what it does. Oooh, it controls the cockroaches. Apparently they locate nearby electronics and do something. Maybe R&D can use this or… maybe not, the cockroach just ate Calloway's laptop and is making a duplicate of itself from the mass it gained.\ |
| 1073 | Note {Calloway}: Just… keep those things away from me.''\ |
| 1074 | \ |
| 1075 | '''Input:''' Note with smiley face\ |
| 1076 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1077 | '''Output:''' Note; however, the smiley face has been replaced by a Soviet Hammer and Sickle. Viewing of note affects the viewer, causing them to believe they are Russian spies infiltrating the SCP Foundation. Researcher Darby was apprehended and administered anti-memetics after attempting to send Top Secret documentation about SCP-914, Site 19, Dr. Veritas, SCP-682, and others to the current Russian Spy Agency.\ |
| 1078 | ''Note {Darby}: [[GratuitousRussian Я НЕ КОММУНИСТ 914 ПОЧЕМУ ВЫ ЭТО ДЕЛАЕТЕ ДЛЯ МЕНЯ! Теперь я не могу перестать говорить по-русски, и все это параноид от меня.]][[labelnote:Translation]]I'M NOT A COMMUNIST 914 WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME! Now I can't stop speaking in Russian, and everyone is paranoid of me.[[/labelnote]]''\ |
| 1079 | ''Note: Someone keep him on amnestics for a while before he hurts himself, or more importantly, my equipment. -Veritas''\ |
| 1080 | \ |
| 1081 | ''Note: These next two tests were performed by Researcher Calloway.''\ |
| 1082 | \ |
| 1083 | '''Input:''' 6 kilograms steel, 6 capacitors, hard drive.\ |
| 1084 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1085 | '''Output:''' A steel device, which acts as a sort of "human hard drive", allowing the downloading and uploading of memories and thoughts via a cerebral device. Upon use on D-Class Personnel, all memories were erased, excepting those relating to SCP-914.\ |
| 1086 | ''Note: Nice try, 914. -Researcher Calloway''\ |
| 1087 | \ |
| 1088 | '''Input:''' 1 note, with a smiley face drawn on it.\ |
| 1089 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1090 | '''Output:''' 1 note, with an anomalous symbol drawn on it. When viewed by a subject, all personnel viewing the subject will become convinced that it is SCP-096 for fifteen minutes.\ |
| 1091 | ''Note {Calloway}: The only reason I didn't get stuffed into a containment chamber faster than you can think is that we got a Class-D to get the test item. There were containment breach alarms going off everywhere, and we panicked, of course. Until it wore off, and we let the poor Class-D out of the containment chamber.''\ |
| 1092 | \ |
| 1093 | ''Note: These tests were performed by both Researchers''\ |
| 1094 | \ |
| 1095 | '''Input:''' 3 kilograms of steel, 3 capacitors, Note {Calloway's}\ |
| 1096 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1097 | '''Output:''' Twisted mass of steel, copper, and paper in the shape of an Archaic rune. Study reveals that had the rune been on paper, [[HatePlague it would have imparted a blind rage upon viewers, causing them to attempt to terminate any living being nearby]].\ |
| 1098 | ''Note {Darby}: I did not expect 914 [[EpicFail to fail that bad at killing us]], Calloway, [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong want to do another test with my note instead?]]''\ |
| 1099 | \ |
| 1100 | '''Input:''' 3 kilograms of steel, 3 capacitors, note {Darby's}\ |
| 1101 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1102 | '''Output:''' Metal cube with paper symbols on the sides, the symbols [[WhatDoesThisButtonDo compel the viewer to press a large glowing button on the cube]]. Upon both Researchers [[SchmuckBait pressing the button]], it sent out a wave of energy throughout the entirety of Site [REDACTED], [[DisasterDominoes disabling most security and containment systems and causing a Major Containment Breach]]. Thankfully, the [=SCPs=] that escaped containment were drawn to Researcher Darby and Calloway and attempted to eliminate them, causing massive casualties to personnel in their way. The effect of the cube lasted for 3 hours, upon which the [=SCPs=] were contained and repairs began.[[note]]This sets up a few {{Brick Joke}}s later on, as a few researchers were caught up in the rampage, but largely ignored by the escaped [=SCPs=]. Lombardi notes that he got to "experience the joy of getting trampled by what felt like every damn skip in this facility" but only suffered a few broken ribs, while MT Johnson is surprised that he's still alive (and confused as to why the rampaging [=SCPs=] completely ignored him (as well as why he's being followed by a guard with a water gun, which references a later entry on this list)).[[/note]]\ |
| 1103 | ''Note {Darby}: I couldn't resist it, [[ThisIsGonnaSuck looks like my researcher status is again in question]]. I'm going to my room[[superscript:Cell]] until Veritas figures out what to do with me.\ |
| 1104 | \ |
| 1105 | Note: This was a major disaster, we had 34% of D-Class, 18% of Research Staff, 30% of my Security Forces, and my secretary killed by the Containment Breach and we still have not re-contained all of them. Thank God for fail-safes or it could have been worse. - Security Chief Brandt\ |
| 1106 | Note: Dr. Veritas' request to reassign Researcher Darby and Calloway to the mobile Site orbiting Mars has been denied. His request to [[ReassignedToAntarctica reassign Darby and Calloway to the Research base in Antarctica]] is currently under review. - Site Director Hackett'' |
| 1107 | * 914 isn't ready to stop tormenting Darby and Calloway yet: |
| 1108 | -->'''Test 914-0565'''\ |
| 1109 | '''Name:''' Researcher Z. Larua\ |
| 1110 | '''Date:''' 13/04/2019\ |
| 1111 | '''Total Items:''' 1 note, 1 pencil\ |
| 1112 | ''I'm hoping I can get some insight into more direct and efficient testing if I can somehow determine what this machine has an affinity for. -Larua''\ |
| 1113 | \ |
| 1114 | '''Input:''' 1 note that reads "What do you desire, 914?", 1 pencil\ |
| 1115 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1116 | '''Output:''' A cognitohazardous note with '''"DARBY-CALLOWAY"''' burned into it. Upon viewing the paper, Researcher Larua [[MadnessMantra began muttering "I must deliver them" continuously]].\ |
| 1117 | \ |
| 1118 | ''Incident Report: Researcher was then detained by faculty staff and escorted to the med-bay for amnestic administration. Prior to reaching the med-bay, Researcher Larua had escaped and was later found in Dr. Veritas' office. He was attempting to coerce the doctor, in a monotone voice, to redact his ruling to send Darby and Calloway to Antarctica.\ |
| 1119 | Note: We've ascertained in the past that 914 isn't sentient in the past, at least not as we understand it. Starting to wonder, then, if those two aren't anomalies themselves… given how many of Darby's experiments end in [[StuffBlowingUp stuff going]] '''[[StuffBlowingUp KABLOOEY]]''', I'd suggest Keter classification. -Prof. Wren\ |
| 1120 | Note: I'm not giving either of them the satisfaction, Wren. The only two anomalous things are [[UnluckilyLucky their stupid luck]] and my patience. -Veritas\ |
| 1121 | Note: Fair enough, boss, but if they do another collab like this, [[DontAskJustRun I'm evacuating the premises and would suggest everyone else do their best to keep up]]! -Prof. Wren'' |
| 1122 | * Fun with music: |
| 1123 | -->'''Test 914-0566'''\ |
| 1124 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren, accompanied by D-4884\ |
| 1125 | '''Date:''' 13/04/2019\ |
| 1126 | '''Total Items:''' One CD ("Queen: Greatest Hits")\ |
| 1127 | ''Note: Sacrilegious, I know, but [=CDs=] are on their way out anyway, and this copy's scratched badly enough that "Bicycle Race" and "Fat Bottomed Girls" don't even play, so what good is it really? As for the D-Class… I plan on using Very Fine today, so I'm taking precautions. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 1128 | \ |
| 1129 | '''Input:''' The "Queen: Greatest Hits" CD\ |
| 1130 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1131 | '''Output:''' A new CD, "Muhammad Ali's Greatest Hits," showing a green silhouette of the legendary boxer against a yellow background on the cover art. No tracklist supplied.\ |
| 1132 | ''Note: D-4884 was supplied with headphones and a CD player, and instructed to listen to the album. D-4884 described it as an announcer detailing a match between Ali and George Foreman, shortly after which his body jerked violently as if struck by a hard punch. This continued for nearly █ minutes before D-4884 was terminated by a violent twist of the head focused at the jaw, breaking his neck. Analysis of the placement and timing of the perceived blows coincided with footage of the "Rumble in the Jungle" match between the two aforementioned boxers in 1974. The album is being transferred to anomalous object storage.\ |
| 1133 | Note: "[[LiteralMinded Greatest Hits]]" indeed. [[ThatsGottaHurt Ouch.]] Stuff like this is why we should tread cautiously with the Very Fine setting, guys. -Prof. Wren'' |
| 1134 | * Larua isn't done probing 914: |
| 1135 | -->'''Test 914-0570'''\ |
| 1136 | '''Name:''' Researcher Z. Larua\ |
| 1137 | '''Date:''' 13/04/2019\ |
| 1138 | '''Total Items:''' 1 note, 1 pencil\ |
| 1139 | ''Note: I was going to test to see what this machine had an affinity for, but I was informed I already performed it. Dr. Veritas also told me not to do it again. Sternly. So instead of the prior test, let's examine what this machine is incompatible with. -Larua''\ |
| 1140 | \ |
| 1141 | '''Input:''' 1 note that reads "What do you wish to avoid, 914?", 1 pencil\ |
| 1142 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1143 | '''Output:''' A pencil that is completely worn all the way down to the eraser head, and one note that seems to be completely coated in graphite. Upon closer inspection with a microscope, the paper has the phrase "17 Again" written continuously from corner to corner on the front and back. When viewed at a certain angle in light, the shading on the graphite seems to display the name "NUKEA".\ |
| 1144 | ''Note: I'm afraid to ask. -Larua\ |
| 1145 | Note: Well, sorry. I have too many copies of 17 again. -Nukea'' |
| 1146 | * 914 doesn't grasp the concept of "peace" or "reconciliation": |
| 1147 | -->'''Test 914-0573'''\ |
| 1148 | '''Name:''' Probationary Researcher Darby\ |
| 1149 | '''Date:''' 13/04/2019\ |
| 1150 | '''Total Items:''' One Twenty-three page peace treaty covering any possible situation, One Pen\ |
| 1151 | ''Note: Maybe 914 will accept this - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1152 | \ |
| 1153 | '''Input:''' Above Mentioned\ |
| 1154 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1155 | '''Output:''' Signed Peace Treaty\ |
| 1156 | ''Note: [[TemptingFate Does this mean that 914 will stop trying to kill me?]] - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1157 | \ |
| 1158 | ''Note: Researcher Darby was found nearly dead this morning after the Peace Treaty he signed transformed into a paper assassin and attempted to kill him. He was found by security personnel bleeding out, covered in papercuts, and suffering from poison derived from the Ink. The assassin has not yet been found and guards equipped with water guns have been assigned to Researchers Darby, Calloway, Nukea, Wren, Stan, Lombardi, and any other Researcher that has had negative interactions with 914 within the past 6 months. [[note]]While not listed here, MT Johnson also gets a guard following him around with a water gun, and he’s not the only one to be confused by it. Just like the Darby/Calloway collab, this incident sets up a bunch of {{Brick Joke}}s where several researchers take notice of the water-gun-armed guards and wonder why they're following them around.[[/note]] - Security Chief Brandt\ |
| 1159 | Note: My porcelain cat mug got it. I think it rolled over spilling the tea I had in it and then shredded it with its claws. I found the paper assassin's head and torso struggling to get out of the cat mug's mouth. I was going to rip it up and incinerate it but the cat ate it. If it weren't for the fact that that cat has shown nothing but kindness towards people, I would get rid of it. -Intern Lunar'' |
| 1160 | * Who? |
| 1161 | -->'''Test 914-0575'''\ |
| 1162 | '''Name:''' Junior Researcher Kenwol\ |
| 1163 | '''Date:''' 14/04/2019\ |
| 1164 | '''Total Items:''' 1 slip of paper\ |
| 1165 | \ |
| 1166 | '''Input:''' 1 slip of paper with the words "Please don't assassinate me"\ |
| 1167 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1168 | '''Output:''' 1 slip of paper that reads "Who", that when read, every other word spoken or written becomes "who"\ |
| 1169 | \ |
| 1170 | ''Note: I who to who it who fine [[labelnote:(Probable) Translation]]I meant to set it to fine[[/labelnote]] - Junior Who Kenwol\ |
| 1171 | Note: Junior Researcher Kenwol was later found putting the paper in the incinerator, saying "Who"\ |
| 1172 | Note: I don't… someone get the Site Psychiatrist of Amnestics specialist for Kenwol, he's doing… something he's not supposed to do. -Veritas'' |
| 1173 | * A janitor attempts to use 914 to destroy Jeff, Intern Lunar's mug cat. 914 does not approve. |
| 1174 | -->'''Test 914-0580'''\ |
| 1175 | '''Name:''' Janitor Svede\ |
| 1176 | '''Date:''' 14/04/2019\ |
| 1177 | '''Total Items:''' 1 Mug Cat\ |
| 1178 | ''Note: This Cat spilled my water all across the mess hall, [[DisproportionateRetribution Ashes to Ashes and all that]] - Janitor Svede''\ |
| 1179 | \ |
| 1180 | '''Input:''' 1 Mug Cat\ |
| 1181 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 1182 | '''Output:''' [[TheCatCameBack 1 Mug Cat, unchanged]]\ |
| 1183 | ''Note: [[BigWhat WHAT?]] Is it not supposed to destroy things on Rough? - Janitor Svede''\ |
| 1184 | \ |
| 1185 | '''[[OverlyLongGag Tests 2-68 Removed for Brevity]]'''\ |
| 1186 | \ |
| 1187 | ''Note: Maybe if I try on another setting, it will work. - Janitor Svede''\ |
| 1188 | '''Input:''' 1 Mug Cat\ |
| 1189 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1190 | '''Output:''' [[TheThingThatWouldNotLeave 1 Mug Cat]], patterned differently from input\ |
| 1191 | ''Note: Janitor Svede [[CornerOfWoe was found crying in a corner]] moaning about "Mug Cats" and "[[{{Troll}} The Gears were laughing at me]]". He has been sent to psychological counseling and reassigned to a different section of the facility. - Site Director Hackett\ |
| 1192 | Note: [[SurroundedByIdiots I oversee a testing department consisting of blubbering petty children and clumsy disasters in the shape of research personnel.]] I don't get paid enough for this crap. -Veritas\ |
| 1193 | Note: You get paid plenty, Lucius. Plus, I let you yell at them all you want. You can't buy that kind of stress reliever. - Site Director Hackett\ |
| 1194 | Note: {{Touche}}. - Veritas\ |
| 1195 | Note: Don't steal my mug cat, please. Its claws are comparable to ceramic knives. I've lost several mouse pads to its claws. Also, don't cry over spilt liquids. -Intern Lunar'' |
| 1196 | * Using rope in 914 leads to having a bad time: |
| 1197 | -->'''Test 914-0588'''\ |
| 1198 | '''Name:''' Dr. Matism\ |
| 1199 | '''Date:''' 15/04/2019\ |
| 1200 | '''Items:''' One 8 meter strand of hempen rope.\ |
| 1201 | ''Note: I'm going for an unbreakable rope.''\ |
| 1202 | \ |
| 1203 | '''Input:''' The 8 meters of rope\ |
| 1204 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1205 | '''Output:''' A hempen ambush noose. When approached by a human, [[AttackOfTheKillerWhatever it lunges at them in an attempt to wrap itself around its neck and strangle them]].\ |
| 1206 | ''Note: Dr. Matism has been hospitalized due to a ruptured airpipe. Object incinerated by orders of Facility Manager ███████.\ |
| 1207 | Note: It's official, this skip doesn't like me - Dr. Matism\ |
| 1208 | Note: [[DeadpanSnarker Your power of deduction is shocking.]] - Veritas'' |
| 1209 | * It continues on the very next test: |
| 1210 | -->'''Test 914-0589'''\ |
| 1211 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren\ |
| 1212 | '''Date:''' 15/04/2019\ |
| 1213 | '''Total Items:''' One 8-meter strand of hempen rope, one katana.\ |
| 1214 | ''Note: I'm testing Dr. Matism's hypothesis on his relationship with 914 while simultaneously seeing if using the same inputs with the same settings can yield different results. [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong Textbook definition of insanity, I know, but what isn't with this thing?]] -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 1215 | \ |
| 1216 | '''Input:''' The rope.\ |
| 1217 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1218 | '''Output:''' A hempen chihuahua. The dog lunged at, and bit down on, Prof. Wren's ankle upon approach; it fell to the floor and went inert upon being slashed to pieces. Further testing revealed the rope no longer contained any anomalous properties. Rope incinerated as a precautionary measure.\ |
| 1219 | \ |
| 1220 | ''Note: And '''that's''' what the katana was for. Not sure how this bodes with Dr. Matism's hypothesis, though. I mean, this wouldn't be the first time 914's attacked me (see footage of IKEA experiment for details… and laughs), but it could just be that 914 saw the same stuff as before and responded as if it were the same tester? Maybe 914 just doesn't like hemp? Either way, don't think I'm gonna be doing a three-peat of that experiment. -Prof. Wren\ |
| 1221 | I [[PrecisionFStrike [EXPLETIVE]]] hate chihuahuas. Soulless bastards. - Dr. Matism\ |
| 1222 | Note: If he can bring a Katana to work, can I bring weapons to defend myself? - Researcher Darby\ |
| 1223 | Note: You're a walking disaster as it is, Darby. Wren didn't get his [=PhD=] slashing everything resembling danger up. You should be glad that Hackett took pity on you and you're not [[ReassignedToAntarctica in Antarctica right now]]. - Veritas\ |
| 1224 | Note: Perks of being on good terms with security, Darby, even if I did have to file some paperwork to get clearance for it… and agree to let them keep the [[{{BFG}} H2O-9000]]. They'll probably get better use out of it anyway, especially for fire control situations. '''EDIT:''' By the way… "He?" "His?" [[SamusIsAGirl I would have thought the C-cups were a giveaway.]] Ah well. -Prof. Wren\ |
| 1225 | Note: Umm, [[StupidSexyFlanders now that explains a lot]]. - Researcher Darby'' |
| 1226 | * Well, it ''is'' an apt comparison… |
| 1227 | -->'''Test 914-0599'''\ |
| 1228 | '''Name:''' Researcher Z. Larua\ |
| 1229 | '''Date:''' 16/04/2019\ |
| 1230 | '''Total Items:''' Ice skates\ |
| 1231 | ''I honestly really want to see if I can get another one of those perpetual motion rods. -Larua''\ |
| 1232 | \ |
| 1233 | '''Input:''' One pair of ice skates\ |
| 1234 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1235 | '''Output:''' A single rod of metal, about 1 meter in length and 0.5 meters in diameter. When a D-Class was sent in to retrieve the rod, a blast of steam shot out from all openings on their uniform the moment they touched the rod. Once the steam dissipated, all was that was left was a completely dehydrated corpse. It is assumed that D-Class expired instantly upon touching the rod. Hazard personnel were called to retrieve the rod. Upon examination, the metal was revealed to be pure potassium with anomalous properties. Any water that touches the metal, the water will instantly vaporize instead of the potassium reacting. Should any biological entity touch the rod, all water within them will instantly vaporize without causing any physical damage to the body.\ |
| 1236 | \ |
| 1237 | ''Note: [[FamilyUnfriendlyDeath That went horribly]]… for that D-Class. This rod, however, will give me yet more interesting research to perform. I'm just happy that 914 didn't output some kind of other anomalous alkali metal that would've literally exploded in my face. I wonder how well this potassium rod would work against 682? -Larua\ |
| 1238 | Note: DON'T. From what I can tell, we don't want [[PowerCopying a contact-killing 682]] from that. -Intern Lunar\ |
| 1239 | Note: Well, it already kills everything in its path. - Dr. Matism\ |
| 1240 | Note: [[FridgeBrilliance I just realized]] that 682 is the SCP version of Franchise/{{Kirby}}. - Junior Researcher Kenwol\ |
| 1241 | Note: A VERY ANGRY Kirby, no less. -Intern Lunar'' |
| 1242 | [[/folder]] |
| 1243 | |
| 1244 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 0600-0699]] |
| 1245 | * Fun with viruses (if your definition of "fun" is synonymous with "mayhem", anyways): |
| 1246 | -->'''Test 914-0603'''\ |
| 1247 | '''Name:''' Dr. Engelhart\ |
| 1248 | '''Date:''' 17/04/2019\ |
| 1249 | '''Total Items:''' A virus used by the Foundation to hack anomalous websites, stored in a USB.\ |
| 1250 | ''Note: I want to see what it could do to improve an already high quality virus, and what it thinks actually could be improved. - Engelhart''\ |
| 1251 | \ |
| 1252 | '''Input:''' Above mentioned USB\ |
| 1253 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1254 | '''Output:''' Once plugged into a computer, there are no changes of note until 5 minutes in, [[GoneHorriblyWrong when every website last visited in the last 24 hours abruptly shuts down]]. This effect has lasted from 5 minutes, up to 10 months.\ |
| 1255 | \ |
| 1256 | ''Note: What did I really expect from SCP-914 honestly. Whelp, goodbye Website/{{Reddit}}. - Dr. Engelhart\ |
| 1257 | Note: DAMN YOU VIRUS, it killed my favorite game site. - Researcher Darby\ |
| 1258 | Note: Excuse me? Every page from [[Website/TheOtherWiki Wikipedia]] and Wikileaks, to Website/{{Deviantart}} and Pixiv, to CNN and KMBC 9 News, all the way to Platform/{{Steam}}, Website/{{Twitter}}, Apple Inc., and even two of our internal network servers [[DisasterDominoes got shut down within ten minutes of that experiment]]. I was told that Site Director Hackett threw an entire experiment log folder across the room after he heard the news. Consider yourself lucky that there were no severe containment breaches during the two hours when our network servers went down (and Site-17 was still cleaning up the mess caused by an SCP-953 containment breach attempt). Engelhart, you better fix this mess, fast. And don't expect Veritas to not revoke your testing permits. - Cleveland\ |
| 1259 | Note: Damn it Engelhart, I have Hackett yelling at me from one line and Rosen from another. I don't know what the hell you did, but you're washing dishes and cleaning testing areas until either your hair turns grey or some skip puts you out of your misery! -Veritas\ |
| 1260 | Note: This just came in. Thanks to Engelhart's computer virus, [[FromBadToWorse two more containment breaches occurred within the first three hours]]. One of SCP-4560 in Site-64; and another of SCP-1591 in Site-79. While the former only affected one individual (a D-class, no less); a systems failure in the latter caused the fallen star to brighten by 67.1 million lux, in addition to causing the disintegration of 23 personnel, five of which were research doctors. To quote Director Edgar Holman of Site-64, "[[OhCrap We're buried under a ████load of troubles.]]" - Cleveland'' |
| 1261 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0609[[/labelnote]] Professor Wren's tests with T-shirts lead to an amusing potshot at Darby's expense: |
| 1262 | -->'''Input:''' 1 shirt.\ |
| 1263 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1264 | '''Output:''' Same shirt, but now with a logo printed on it via lightly-singed cotton. The logo reads "I Survived The Darbypocalypse AndAllIGotWasThisLousyTShirt."\ |
| 1265 | \ |
| 1266 | ''Note: Testing had to be suspended for 5 minutes due to [[ActuallyPrettyFunny uncontrollable laughter]] on the part of Prof. Wren and several other staff members present at the time. Laughter was determined not to be caused by any anomalous properties of the shirt.\ |
| 1267 | Note: "Darbypocalypse"? I'm not that dangerous or destructive, right? - Researcher Darby'' |
| 1268 | * Engelhart's efforts to fix his mess lead to disappointment. |
| 1269 | -->'''Test 914-0610'''\ |
| 1270 | ''Note: After hours of pleading with Veritas, I got permission to run this test to try to get the servers back online. - Dr. Engelhart''\ |
| 1271 | \ |
| 1272 | '''Name:''' Dr. Engelhart\ |
| 1273 | '''Date:''' 17/04/19\ |
| 1274 | '''Total items:''' One USB containing a virus that is used to bring websites online, in the case that we would need to bring an anomalous website online, one 100mg vial of luck, and a post it note saying, “[[AintTooProudToBeg please have mercy]] and don’t let me be fed to SCP-682”.\ |
| 1275 | \ |
| 1276 | '''Input:''' Above mentioned items.\ |
| 1277 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1278 | '''Output:''' A USB with a plastic casing, discovered to be the same mass as the vial, and a post it note with a cognitohazardous symbol that causes the viewer to be convinced that they’re being eaten by SCP-682. When the USB is plugged in, [[HopeSpot it recovers all afflicted websites]], except it only works for 5-300 minutes, and then the websites all shut down again.\ |
| 1279 | ''Note: Since this is your fault, you’re on recovery duty. - Veritas\ |
| 1280 | Note: Still better than being eaten by 682. - Engelhart\ |
| 1281 | Note: Don't give me any ideas, I can think of worse. - Veritas'' |
| 1282 | * 914 continues to subvert expectations: |
| 1283 | -->'''Test 914-0616'''\ |
| 1284 | '''Name:''' Dr. Matism\ |
| 1285 | '''Date:''' 17/04/2019\ |
| 1286 | '''Total Items:''' 1 Class-F amnestic vial, 1 Foundation recruitment poster\ |
| 1287 | ''Note: I'm trying to make [[FakeMemories an "amnestic"]] that can rewire the brain [[HeelFaceBrainwashing to [make people] believe they are Foundation personnel]].''\ |
| 1288 | \ |
| 1289 | '''Input:''' Each of the above\ |
| 1290 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1291 | '''Output:''' A substance composed of Class-F amnestics and ██████████████. When injected into a Class-D personnel, symptoms of Class-F amnestics were noticed. Soon after, the Class-D believed himself to be a Foundation recruitment poster and attempted to glue himself to a wall.\ |
| 1292 | ''Note: [[SarcasmFailure Oh.]] - Dr. Matism'' |
| 1293 | * Well, at least he's gracious about it… |
| 1294 | -->'''Test 914-0620'''\ |
| 1295 | '''Name:''' Dr. Engelhart (Test performed by D-18392 while communicating via walkie talkie due to injuries from previous experiments)\ |
| 1296 | '''Date:''' 17/04/19\ |
| 1297 | '''Total items:''' 5 Bottles of assorted essential oils.\ |
| 1298 | \ |
| 1299 | '''Input:''' The oils\ |
| 1300 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1301 | '''Output:''' A small glass trash can with what looks like the oils inside. It also has the anomalous effect of making anyone within a 2-meter radius of the trash can vomit instantly at 3-5 second intervals.\ |
| 1302 | ''Note: Oh dear God I am so sorry maintenance crew for making you clean that one up. - Dr. Engelhart'' |
| 1303 | * 914 expresses its opinions through roleplaying: |
| 1304 | -->'''Test 914-0621'''\ |
| 1305 | '''Name:''' Dr. Engelhart (Test performed by D-27917 while communicating via walkie talkie due to injuries from previous experiments)\ |
| 1306 | '''Date:''' 17/04/19\ |
| 1307 | '''Total items:''' A file of all [=SCPs=] Dr. Engelhart has access to, and a [=DnD 5e=] handbook.\ |
| 1308 | \ |
| 1309 | '''Input:''' All of the previously mentioned items\ |
| 1310 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1311 | '''Output:''' A Labs and [=SCPs 1e=] handbook.\ |
| 1312 | \ |
| 1313 | ''Note: I did some reading, and turns out this is one huge insult. Here are some pre-made player excerpts.'' |
| 1314 | --->Dr. Engelhart: An ignorant buffoon that can't for the love of God, cause a containment breach less than once per week. -3 to intelligence and -1 to wisdom. When rolling for any type of hazard they have x1.5 the chance to get it.\ |
| 1315 | M.T. Johnson: A incredible hero to all of mankind and totally still deserves a pay raise. [[MasterOfAll +10 to Strength +10 to Dexterity +10 to charisma +10 to intelligence +10 to wisdom and +10 to constitution.]] 0% chance for all hazards to reach [[BiasSteamroller this hero among men]].\ |
| 1316 | Dr. Calloway: An idiot that can't stop getting cognitohazards. Used to come to SCP-914 frequently but doesn't anymore due to past events there. Cannot enter 914's room because of this. -5 intelligence +1 constitution. Has a x2 chance to roll for a cognitohazard. |
| 1317 | -->''Note: I think you get the idea. Still a great game if you can get past the bias and [[ObviousRulePatch tweak a few things to even it out]]. - Dr. Engelhart\ |
| 1318 | Note: And then MT Johnson becomes an in-game ''[[ConversedTrope Mary Sue]]''. What could you expect? - Dr. Cleveland\ |
| 1319 | Note: Am I in here, let's see, aha! 'Dr. Matism: A self conscious, blubbering moron whose own ego gets in the way of his judgement. +1 to intelligence, -1 to wisdom, and -1 strength. Has disadvantage on saving throws.' Wha- no, I'm way better than that! Go to hell 914! - Dr. Matism\ |
| 1320 | Note: In the process of [[GameBreaker making me the best]], 914 also made me totally unplayable. I see it's being [[UnwantedAssistance just as helpful as always]]. - MT Johnson\ |
| 1321 | Note: What am I on this? A Chaotic being with immense luck? - Researcher Darby'' |
| 1322 | * Desperation breeds disaster: |
| 1323 | -->'''Test 914-0624'''\ |
| 1324 | '''Name:''' Physicist James Renwev, Jr. Researcher Ija Rasclon (transcribing).\ |
| 1325 | '''Date:''' 18/04/2019\ |
| 1326 | '''Items:''' One Hydrogen fuel cell, one paper detailing a proposed method of achieving aneutronic fusion.\ |
| 1327 | ''Note: This is being written retroactively. Renwev conducted this test spontaneously during a minor breach of SCP-3199. Both the escaped instance of SCP-3199 and Renwev entered the room during the breach, whereupon Renwev conducted the test for defensive purposes. -Jr. Researcher Rasclon.''\ |
| 1328 | \ |
| 1329 | '''Input:''' See above.\ |
| 1330 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1331 | '''Output:''' A detonation which dented the output door of SCP-914, flash-blinded the instance of SCP-3199 and P. Renwev, and moderately injured Renwev. After this, water began condensing on the walls of the test chamber. A mangled, burnt combination of paper and metal was found in the output chamber.\ |
| 1332 | \ |
| 1333 | ''Note: MTF arrived while the instance of 3199 was disoriented, and contained it. Current working theory is that 914 switched the paper of the research and the hydrogen in the fuel cell, causing a rapid rise in pressure which led to the hydrogen combusting. As a side note, has anyone created the SCP Foundation Darwin Awards yet? I have an entry. -Jr. Researcher Rasclon.\ |
| 1334 | Note: I'm entering Calloway right off the bat. - Veritas\ |
| 1335 | Note: It's a close call, but [[CallBack Xerial's Escapades of Evolutionary Expedition]] are just narrowly beaten by Ranwev trying to create nuclear fusion in 914. Let's all just be glad it can't do transmutation, or that might have worked. -JR. Rasclon.'' |
| 1336 | * The deadliest game… of catch: |
| 1337 | -->'''Test 914-0629'''\ |
| 1338 | '''Name:''' Dr. Matism\ |
| 1339 | '''Date:''' 18/4/19\ |
| 1340 | '''Total Items:''' One Aerobie Pro™ frisbee\ |
| 1341 | \ |
| 1342 | '''Input:''' The frisbee\ |
| 1343 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1344 | '''Output:''' The frisbee, but the edges are lined with an anomalous glowing material. Testing of this item shows that only Dr. Matism can catch the frisbee. Anyone else who attempts is shattered into a pile of glowing shards approximately 2 cm[[superscript:3]] each.\ |
| 1345 | ''Note: Ok, now 914 is blatantly ripping off the Film/{{Tron}} light disk. This isn't the first time it's done something like this. [[{{Pun}} Rest in pieces D-13992.]] - Dr. Matism\ |
| 1346 | Note: If 914 ever makes another one of these, can we have competitive disk wars? I'll collaborate with Kain to make the armor - Dr. Matism\ |
| 1347 | Note: No thanks, I choose life. - JR. Stan\ |
| 1348 | Note: The next time Engelhart causes a containment breach, I know what weapon I'm using. [[IKnowMaddenKombat Did I mention I was in my college's ultimate frisbee club?]] - Dr. Matism'' |
| 1349 | * Jr. Guard Romanio [[ThrewMyBikeOnTheRoof decides to spice things up]]: |
| 1350 | -->'''Test 914-0633'''\ |
| 1351 | '''Name:''' Dr. Matism\ |
| 1352 | '''Date:''' 18/04/19\ |
| 1353 | '''Items:''' One air conditioning condenser\ |
| 1354 | ''Note: My A/C is broken''\ |
| 1355 | \ |
| 1356 | '''Input:''' One condenser\ |
| 1357 | '''Setting:''' [[strike:Fine]] Very Fine (Attending Jr. Guard Romanio was seen on security footage switching the setting to Very Fine)\ |
| 1358 | '''Output:''' One condenser, when placed into an air conditioning unit, the air conditioning unit produces cold water instead of cold air by rapidly condensing water vapor present in the atmosphere.\ |
| 1359 | ''Note: Well, there goes all my important papers. [[DisproportionateRetribution I'm coming for you with my frisbee, Jr. Guard Romanio.]] - Dr. Matism\ |
| 1360 | Note: This is why Veritas replaced your frisbee with a well-made replica. Good luck against those rubber bullets. - N.C.E.\ |
| 1361 | Tell that to Romanio - Dr. Matism'' |
| 1362 | * Darby causes a ruckus with alcohol: |
| 1363 | -->'''Test 914-0638'''\ |
| 1364 | '''Name:''' Researcher Darby\ |
| 1365 | '''Date:''' 19/04/2019\ |
| 1366 | '''Total Items:''' 1365 bottles of Vodka, 230 bottles of Scotch, 47 Boxes of various teas;\ |
| 1367 | ''Note: I'm back and ready for business, and hopefully 914 will make something I can give to Veritas as a peace offering. Maybe if I can not blow up the facility or anything else bad, I won't get [[ReassignedToAntarctica banished to Jupiter]]. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1368 | \ |
| 1369 | '''Input:''' 1000 Bottles of Vodka\ |
| 1370 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1371 | '''Output:''' 750 Gallon jugs of Premium Vodka\ |
| 1372 | \ |
| 1373 | '''Input:''' 200 Bottles of Scotch\ |
| 1374 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1375 | '''Output:''' 200 Bottles of Irish Whiskey\ |
| 1376 | \ |
| 1377 | '''Input:''' 40 Boxes of various teas\ |
| 1378 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1379 | '''Output:''' 40 Boxes of coffee\ |
| 1380 | ''Note: Not an improvement 914, not an improvement in the slightest - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1381 | \ |
| 1382 | '''Input:''' 365 bottles of Vodka, 30 bottles of scotch, 7 boxes of tea.\ |
| 1383 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1384 | '''Output:''' Upon drinking any of the output, the drinker gains a reportedly hilarious accent and actions according to the type of drink. Drinking of Vodka causes a Russian or a similar accent and actions consistent to stereotype of drunk Russians. Drinking tea or scotch imparts the same effect with the difference of either a British or Scottish accent.\ |
| 1385 | ''Note: I'm so glad I didn't drink any of the scotch. Also, did I complete a test without anyone dying from anything? - Researcher Darby\ |
| 1386 | Note: That Vodka was tested with a few D-Class personnel, who proceeded to attempt a revolution down in their cells, which killed two of them. I was on surveillance and saw when they broke out. They surprised two guards and managed to lock them in their cells. Then they took the D-Class that didn't drink the vodka and started accusing them of spying for the capitalists before shooting them. [[EpicFail So no, you did not manage to run a test without casualties.]] - Security Chief Brandt\ |
| 1387 | Note: On another note, however, Veritas seems to like that coffee you gave him. A lot. He has gone through 5 cups. With the help of said coffee, Darby managed to avoid whatever Veritas was going to do to him by employing the "avoid eye contact and back away slowly" technique. I recommend all personnel to maintain a distance of a least ten meters from the SCP-914 testing area for the next three days or so. - Security Chief Ozark'' |
| 1388 | * Fun with chocolate bunnies and clockworks: |
| 1389 | -->'''Test 914-0639'''\ |
| 1390 | '''Name:''' Intern Lunar, Dr. Cleveland, Researcher Jane Cho, Researcher Darby, JR. Rasclon, MT Johnson, Junior Researcher Stan\ |
| 1391 | '''Date:''' 23/04/2019\ |
| 1392 | '''Total Items:''' 35 ███████ brand chocolate bunnies, 7 pocket watches.\ |
| 1393 | ''Note: Since Veritas has stopped twitching whenever any of us go near the testing area, we’ve starting testing back up. To start, we wanted to see scientifically whether or not 914 is capable of holding grudges, and has opinions of specific people. To do this, every test will use the same input and setting. 5 chocolate rabbits and a hand watch is the input, partially just as arbitrary complex objects for 914 to project meaning onto, and partly in keeping with the holiday spirit. Fine is the setting, chosen because it has more variance than the other options, but is less likely to kill people than Very Fine. We also have a '''lot''' of security and medical personnel on standby, due to [[TheChewToy 914’s repeated attempts on… certain researchers’ lives]].''\ |
| 1394 | \ |
| 1395 | ''Note: The following test was performed by Intern Lunar.''\ |
| 1396 | '''Input:''' 5 Chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.\ |
| 1397 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1398 | '''Output:''' 1 chocolate dog with a watch set into it, the wrappers read “what goes tick tock woof.”\ |
| 1399 | ''Note: It’s a “watchdog”. - Intern Lunar''\ |
| 1400 | \ |
| 1401 | ''Note: The following test was performed by MT Johnson.''\ |
| 1402 | '''Input:''' 5 Chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.\ |
| 1403 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1404 | '''Output:''' One chocolate and plastic bunny sculpture that can be mounted on a wall. It contains clockwork components and makes bunny noises at passersby. It can also wiggle its nose and move its ears. It possesses the anomalous property that people who look at it feel amused instead of what they were originally feeling. The effect fades almost immediately after viewing of the object ceases and no after effects whatsoever have been noted. The effect is strongest on MT Johnson and does not affect Researcher Darby at all. Instead, the sculpture makes aggressive bunny noises towards him.\ |
| 1405 | ''Note: It’s a chocolate clockwork wall bunny that makes you feel happy. It’s good for at least briefly cheering someone up when they feel down. It’s also slightly anomalous in that it can react to outside stimulus, but that’s about it. 914 still seems to like me. - MT Johnson''\ |
| 1406 | \ |
| 1407 | ''Note: The following test was performed by JR. Rasclon.''\ |
| 1408 | '''Input:''' 5 chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.\ |
| 1409 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1410 | '''Output:''' An anomalous, semi-solid lump of chocolate and metal which is capable of slow movement. When moving, it emits faint ticking sounds reminiscent of clockwork. This mass can be controlled by the last person to have interacted with it, moving exactly opposite to how the controller intended. This was seen to be consistent among all personnel who operated it.\ |
| 1411 | ''Note: When Researcher Darby touched it, it immediately shaped into a form with many sharp edges and points, and began moving towards him in a hostile manner. It was easily stopped by a security guard, due to its slow speed. Darby later said the only thing he had tried to make it do was to not kill him.\ |
| 1412 | Note: This thing is really unintuitive. It’s like playing a video game with reversed controls, only with a 3-dimensional form. Still, it’s possible to control once you get the hang of it. I’d like to apply to keep and study it, after putting it through every level of hazard testing I can find, of course. -Rasclon.''\ |
| 1413 | \ |
| 1414 | ''Note: The following test was performed by Dr. Cleveland.\ |
| 1415 | Note: Let's see what I would get - Dr. Cleveland''\ |
| 1416 | '''Input:''' 5 Chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.\ |
| 1417 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1418 | '''Output:''' 1 pocket watch made of chocolate, and one intricate robot bunny. Testing on the former showed that while edible, the chocolate will not melt under a heat of ████K, has a Vickers hardness of 14100, and is compatible with standard pocket watch components. The latter has no anomalous properties.\ |
| 1419 | ''Note: That means it is brittle. Like diamond. I'll keep the bunny. - Dr. Cleveland''\ |
| 1420 | \ |
| 1421 | ''Note: The following test was performed by Researcher Jane Cho.''\ |
| 1422 | '''Input:''' 5 Chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.\ |
| 1423 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1424 | '''Output:''' 8 animate chocolate bunnies, smaller and rounder in appearance, tied to a small 5-wheeled clockwork machine via metal chains. The machine is composed of a large center wheel connected via axles to a structure with 4 legs, each with a small wheel at the bottom. While the center wheel rotates, it plays a repeating tune via a mechanism similar to a music box. The chocolate bunnies are compelled to pull the machine indefinitely and will only stop when tired. Occasionally, some of the bunnies may fall asleep while the others are still pulling the machine.\ |
| 1425 | \ |
| 1426 | ''Note: The following test was performed by Researcher Darby.\ |
| 1427 | Note: I am the last one to do this test. [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong Hopefully all goes well.]] - Researcher Darby\ |
| 1428 | Note: Don’t worry, we've got 7 security guards & 3 medical doctors on standby if things do go wrong. - Dr. Clockworks\ |
| 1429 | Note: [[TemptingFate Famous last words]] -Intern Lunar''\ |
| 1430 | '''Input:''' 5 chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.\ |
| 1431 | '''Setting:''' [[strike:Fine]] Very Fine (The identity of the person [[HereWeGoAgain who let Jr. Guard Romanio into 914’s testing area again]] is currently unknown)\ |
| 1432 | '''Output:''' One large chocolate rabbit whose eyes have been replaced by a singular large metallic gem-like protrusion with clockwork decorations. Upon sighting Researcher Darby, it charged forwards and [[EnergyWeapon shot beams of energy from its gem]] at security personnel. After dealing with the local security personnel, [[NoHoldsBarredBeatdown it proceeded to attack Researcher Darby with its claws]], leaving major wounds. Reserve personnel arrived and began firing at the Rabbit, causing it to explode into liquid chocolate, leaving a large puddle of red-coloured chocolate and the gem-like object.\ |
| 1433 | ''Note: The energy rays produced by the gemstone, upon contact with living organisms, accelerates entropy to a point that immediately after being hit, the affected region becomes unresponsive and blackens as if from a major burn. After several minutes, if the affected region is not treated by amputation, the effect spreads to the whole body and death is observed after several hours. The gemstone has been sent to secure storage for containment and possible future study. - Medical Director Candon\ |
| 1434 | Note: Okay, so that's not how this works. Who wrote ''energy ray''? Gemstones are not power sources either. That's a laser, it's concentrated light. From what the lab boys tell me, the rabbit used some sort of chemical reaction from the chocolate and used the materials from the watch to create an optical amplifier. I personally think that they're making something up because they can't figure out how it works exactly, but with 914's track record, I don't blame them. - Veritas\ |
| 1435 | Note: I knew this would happen. Veritas, can you [[ReassignedToAntarctica send Romanio to Antarctica]]? - Dr. Matism\ |
| 1436 | Note: And you didn't warn me or your colleague? I'm not in the mood for smartasses, get out of my testing area or you'll be the one going. And it's Dr. Veritas for you. - Veritas'' |
| 1437 | * SCP-914 does not appreciate being used as a proofreader: |
| 1438 | -->'''Test 914-0648'''\ |
| 1439 | '''Name:''' Junior Technical Writer Natascha Wright\ |
| 1440 | '''Date:''' 23/04/2019\ |
| 1441 | '''Total Items:''' One halfway-corrected copy of the 914 test logs, two copies of a 6-page document detailing various grammatical rules, two dictionaries, one pair of reading glasses.\ |
| 1442 | ''Note: I've just been assigned to ensure that these documents conform to Foundation writing standards and guidelines. I've read enough of the logs to know that [[TemptingFate this is probably a bad idea]], but it's gotta be worth a shot, right?''\ |
| 1443 | \ |
| 1444 | '''Input:''' The copy of the 914 test logs, one grammar document, one dictionary.\ |
| 1445 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1446 | '''Output:''' A stack of paper the combined size of the three inputs. The first page is stylized to look like the cover of a standard composition notebook, with the title "Do your own work: A comprehensive list of people who answer to you." written in JTW Wright's handwriting in the designated space. All other pages are blank.\ |
| 1447 | ''Note: [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Laughed my ass off.]] Touche, 914. Okay, one more try. Perhaps I can get something that will at least highlight needed fixes for me? -JTW Wright''\ |
| 1448 | \ |
| 1449 | '''Input:''' One pair of reading glasses, one grammar document, one dictionary.\ |
| 1450 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1451 | '''Output:''' A pair of reading glasses, as well as the two input documents. When the reading glasses are worn, a cognitohazardous effect causes the wearer to become incapable of recognizing any errors in written word. This effect persists for five hours after taking off the glasses.\ |
| 1452 | ''ntoe: screw you 914, im gonna lose a while days work thnks to you. -JTW Wright'' |
| 1453 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0664[[/labelnote]] A test with amnestics produces a sorely-needed result. |
| 1454 | -->'''Input:''' 1 Bottle of Class-B amnestics\ |
| 1455 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1456 | '''Output:''' 1 Bottle of Class "Darby" amnestics. One dose allows you to forget the existence of Researcher Darby for approximately 1 hour. Contains 200 doses, according to the label. Bottle was given to Veritas for personal use.\ |
| 1457 | ''Note: And he better thank me for it. Everyone on site would love to own that bottle, myself included. -Dr. Beiderman\ |
| 1458 | Note: I don't remember why, but I wrote a note to myself to give you a raise next time we evaluate your contract. Must be a good reason. - Veritas'' |
| 1459 | * More fun with amnestics: |
| 1460 | -->'''Test 914-0667'''\ |
| 1461 | '''Name:''' Dr. Beiderman\ |
| 1462 | '''Date:''' 25/04/2019\ |
| 1463 | '''Items:''' 3 bottles of Class-A amnestics\ |
| 1464 | ''Note: Given the rousing success of the tests with the Class-B amnestics, I have decided to move onto something stronger. - Dr. Beiderman''\ |
| 1465 | \ |
| 1466 | '''Input:''' 1 Bottle of Class-A amnestics\ |
| 1467 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1468 | '''Output:''' 1 Bottle of Class-Z mnestics\ |
| 1469 | \ |
| 1470 | '''Input:''' 1 Bottle of Class-A amnestics\ |
| 1471 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1472 | '''Output:''' 1 Bottle of Dar-Be-Gone. Appears to have similar chemical composition to most insecticides.\ |
| 1473 | ''Note: Ethical ramifications of use on Darby currently in discussion with the Ethics Committee. - Dr. Beiderman''\ |
| 1474 | \ |
| 1475 | '''Input:''' 1 Bottle of Class-A amnestics\ |
| 1476 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1477 | '''Output:''' [DATA EXPUNGED]\ |
| 1478 | ''Note: [[NoodleIncident I don't remember what happened, but it was bad. 17 casualties among Site security. If anybody locates my left ear, please put it in ice so they can save it.]] -Dr. Beiderman\ |
| 1479 | Note: I found it in Jeff with ice cubes in him, I'm concerned that the cat can read and somehow has access to this testing log. -Intern Lunar'' |
| 1480 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0669[[/labelnote]] A paper person proves to be TooDumbToLive. |
| 1481 | -->'''Input:''' Literature/StarshipTroopers\ |
| 1482 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1483 | '''Output:''' One large Origami Soldier identifying himself as "Juan "Johnny" Rico". Sadly destroyed when given a cigarette and a lighter upon asking for one. His ashes have been given to Researcher Fa Ke for burial.\ |
| 1484 | ''Note: He was really something wasn't he, 914 can do some cool stuff - Researcher Fa Ke\ |
| 1485 | Note: I'm unclear on why you thought giving that thing a lighter wasn't a poor idea. - Veritas'' |
| 1486 | * Fun with mnestics meets fun with alcohol. |
| 1487 | -->'''Test 914-0670'''\ |
| 1488 | '''Name:''' Dr. Beiderman\ |
| 1489 | '''Date:''' 25/04/2019\ |
| 1490 | '''Total Items:''' 3 bottles of Class-Y mnestics. One group photograph of the site-12 research team, prior to Incident [REDACTED].\ |
| 1491 | ''Note: Just to cover all my bases. -Dr. Beiderman''\ |
| 1492 | \ |
| 1493 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-Y mnestics\ |
| 1494 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1495 | '''Output:''' One bottle of Class-B amnestics.\ |
| 1496 | \ |
| 1497 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-Y mnestics\ |
| 1498 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1499 | '''Output:''' One bottle containing a neon substance. Testing proved this to be a "super mnestic". It is probable that nobody who has been sprayed with this can ever be forgotten.\ |
| 1500 | ''Mabye we colud use tis to remember 055! - Dr. Beiderman\ |
| 1501 | Note: There is no 055, Beiderman. Have you been drinking? - Security Chief Ozark''\ |
| 1502 | \ |
| 1503 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-Y mnestics, One Photograph.\ |
| 1504 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1505 | '''Output:''' One empty bottle of Class-Y mnestics, One photograph of the members of Site 12 prior to incident [REDACTED]. The photograph cannot be destroyed, and produces a memetic effect causing viewers of the photograph to have awareness of who each person present is, how they died, and why they were unusual. Dr. Beiderman has been allowed to keep the photograph for aesthetic purposes.\ |
| 1506 | ''Note: To those jolluy oled suols, may thay rest in peice! Godd sped, gentts! -Dr. Beiderman\ |
| 1507 | Note: If anybody would like to talk to Dr. Beiderman, he can be found sobering up in the Site drunk tank. I understand his pain, but alcohol is not the solution. That said, anybody want these two kegs of lager I confiscated from him? - Security Chief Ozark\ |
| 1508 | Note: Veritas might. -Intern Lunar\ |
| 1509 | Note: I'd rather have Beiderman's testing clearance for a while. I'm suspending amnestics testing for the time being. I'd like to avoid the scenario where we all wake up without knowing where and who we are. The only reason that I haven't kicked him out yet is previous test results. - Veritas'' |
| 1510 | * More fun with alcohol. |
| 1511 | -->'''Test 914-0672'''\ |
| 1512 | '''Name:''' Junior Researcher Stan\ |
| 1513 | '''Date:''' 25/04/2019\ |
| 1514 | '''Total Items:''' One bottle of red wine, one jar of moonshine\ |
| 1515 | ''Note: Doing a test to see what alcohols commonly associated with countries will result in. Not sure what the cheap wine will do, but it should be interesting. Don’t ask where I got the moonshine. - Stan''\ |
| 1516 | \ |
| 1517 | '''Input:''' Bottle of wine\ |
| 1518 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1519 | '''Output:''' Seemingly unchanged bottle of wine. When investigated, the label claimed that the wine had been “aged 100 yeers. (sic)” The wine appeared to have been rapidly fermented during the transformation. Samples showed that the yeasts had become toxic and the wine was unsafe for consumption.\ |
| 1520 | ''Note: I was hoping for an ancient Greek or maybe a French joke. - Stan''\ |
| 1521 | \ |
| 1522 | '''Input:''' Jar of moonshine\ |
| 1523 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1524 | '''Output:''' Seemingly unchanged bottle of moonshine. Lab testing could not find anything toxic or potentially dangerous about it. (Excluding the extremely high alcohol content)\ |
| 1525 | ''Note: Knowing 914, anything that is “Seemingly” unchanged is generally more dangerous than the more obvious outputs. To determine what was changed, we’re going to have a D-Class take shots of extremely powerful alcohol, because caution was thrown to the wind long ago. - Stan\ |
| 1526 | D-3568 was placed into a testing room with a table holding five shot glasses of the output moonshine. D-3568 smelled the contents of the shot glasses and became visibly more excited and willing to continue with the test. Subject was then instructed to drink one shot and showed signs of mild intoxication after 15 minutes. D-3568 continued to drink the moonshine and became further intoxicated. The subject was noted to begin speaking in a slurred southern United States accent which intensified as the subject’s blood alcohol content increased. Once all of the shot glasses had been consumed, the D-Class went on to yell and rant about the Foundation in a stereotypical “southern” accent, using many mannerisms they previously did not use. This behavior went on for roughly 10 minutes, at which point the subject vomited, attempted to sing “Country Roads”, and blacked out. After recovery, D-3568 retained a slight accent and continued use of a few mannerisms and slang.\ |
| 1527 | Note: Even though half of his arguments were [[AdHominem ad hominems]] or unintelligible, he made [[DumbassHasAPoint a few good points]]. - Stan\ |
| 1528 | Note: The jar has gone missing. Anyone caught talking like a Texan will face disciplinary action, specifically the ones not being raised Texan. - Veritas\ |
| 1529 | Note: mah darn cat spilled that moonshine on this here keyboard, and now I need a gosh darn new one. -Intern Lunar\ |
| 1530 | Note: I got a new keyboard and it looks like the cat steals stuff. Don't leave out liquids you don't want being moved. If someone wants 25 kazoos back, tell me. -Intern Lunar'' |
| 1531 | * 914 continues to produce whimsical gadgets. |
| 1532 | -->'''Test 914-0675'''\ |
| 1533 | '''Name:''' Dr. Terren\ |
| 1534 | '''Date:''' 26/04/2019\ |
| 1535 | '''Total items:''' One handgun and a Samsung smart fridge.\ |
| 1536 | \ |
| 1537 | '''Input:''' One handgun\ |
| 1538 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1539 | '''Output:''' A handgun. If fired at a person, all of their mass will be transformed into a bubble.\ |
| 1540 | ''Note: None of the D Class said they didn't like it. That's because they all popped before I could get their opinion. -Terren''\ |
| 1541 | \ |
| 1542 | '''Input:''' One Samsung smart fridge\ |
| 1543 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1544 | '''Output:''' A machine labeled “Darby Regeneration Center.”\ |
| 1545 | ''Note: The Darby Regeneration Center has been put in storage for now. If we want to test the Darby Regeneration Center, then it would risk losing Darby. -Terren.\ |
| 1546 | Note: Or we could see what happens using a skin sample -Intern Lunar\ |
| 1547 | Note: Absolutely not. [[BrickJoke I ran out of the stuff that Beiderman gave me]] and we have no guarantee that that thing won't function as a clone bay or something. I moved it to anomalous storage. Don't ask where, I'm not telling you. - Veritas\ |
| 1548 | Note: [[BeyondTheImpossible You ran out?! How did you manage that? That had two hundred 1 hour doses! It’s been two days!]] - Beiderman'' |
| 1549 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0678[[/labelnote]] Testing with the Bible has unexpected results: |
| 1550 | -->'''Input:''' 1 Bible\ |
| 1551 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1552 | '''Output:''' The Bible. Exposure to it causes anyone who reads it to have [[TooMuchInformation advanced knowledge]] of the Catholic Church, including [[ContentLeak undisclosed Vatican secrets]].\ |
| 1553 | ''Note: [[NoJustNoReaction No, just no.]] I didn't need to know what they're actually doing with the Notre Dame money. - Dr. Matism'' |
| 1554 | * Using the Dar-Be-Gon has unanticipated consequences. |
| 1555 | -->'''Test 914-0679'''\ |
| 1556 | '''Name:''' Researcher Festiv\ |
| 1557 | '''Date:''' 25/04/2019\ |
| 1558 | '''Item:''' One note reading "what happened to Darby?"\ |
| 1559 | ''Note: We used the Dar-Be-Gon on Darby after realising that if he does die for good, we can just use the Darby Regeneration Center. When we sprayed him with it, he just dissipated into thin air; this is to see if we can get a response from 914 as to what happened to him. Not expecting much, though… -Researcher Festiv''\ |
| 1560 | \ |
| 1561 | '''Input:''' The note\ |
| 1562 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1563 | '''Output:''' Extremely faded Product Recall notice for "Dar-Be-Gon", on the back of the notice was a drawing of 914's dial switched to very fine\ |
| 1564 | ''Note: Okay… I'll go grab it - Researcher Festiv''\ |
| 1565 | \ |
| 1566 | '''Input:''' "Dar-Be-Gon"\ |
| 1567 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1568 | '''Output:''' "Dar-Be-Ceen", when Researcher Festiv picked up the bottle, it was yanked out of his hands by an unseen force and proceeded to release its content in the air, creating a cloud of cleaning solution. When the cloud cleared, it revealed Researcher Darby standing there holding the bottle and covered in chemical burns from the extreme acidity of the reaction between "Dar-Be-Ceen" and "Dar-Be-Gon". Researcher Darby was sent to the ICU for chemical burns and the "Dar-Be-Ceen" has been destroyed.\ |
| 1569 | ''Note: I don't know what was in that "Dar-Be-Gon", but I couldn't touch anything, say anything, or interact in any way. It's like I was a ghost but I couldn't haunt anyone, I think I may need some personal time after that. - Researcher Darby\ |
| 1570 | Note: I suggest in the future we refrain from '''actively murdering''' researchers just because we have an untested machine we think will clone them. -Lombardi\ |
| 1571 | Note: I have to agree with Lombardi on this one. At this point I am going to run out of [[CallBack "914 Brand Pain Killers"]] to give Researcher Darby and I don't entirely know if they are non-addictive. -Doctor S.'' |
| 1572 | * 914's feelings about Professor Wren ''may'' not be entirely wholesome: |
| 1573 | -->'''Test 914-0681'''\ |
| 1574 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren\ |
| 1575 | '''Date:''' 26/04/2019\ |
| 1576 | '''Total Items:''' 5 ███████ brand chocolate bunnies, 1 pocket watch.\ |
| 1577 | ''Note: Seemed like a neat experiment, thought I'd see what my results were. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 1578 | \ |
| 1579 | '''Input:''' All of the above.\ |
| 1580 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1581 | '''Output:''' A small clockwork octopus.\ |
| 1582 | ''Note: Upon the booth opening, [[NaughtyTentacles a number of long, thin chocolate "tentacles" erupted from the device and attempted to ensnare Prof. Wren]]. She responded by smashing the device under her heel, stating that [[MemeticMutation she'd "seen enough hentai to know where that was going"]] before doing so. Upon its destruction, [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything the device erupted a sizable quantity of chocolate all over her]].\ |
| 1583 | Note: Dr. Veritas, I am formally requesting deletion of the security footage of this test and amnestics for anyone who saw it. [[CoveredInGunge Also, a towel.]] -Prof. Wren\ |
| 1584 | Note: [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain Way ahead of you, Wren.]] - Veritas'' |
| 1585 | * [[MindScrew Your guess on how this happened is as good as ours]]: |
| 1586 | -->'''Test 914-0685'''\ |
| 1587 | '''Name:''' Jr. Researcher Ija Rasclon (thrice), D-3127\ |
| 1588 | '''Date:''' 26/04/2019\ |
| 1589 | '''Items:''' Two iron cubes, measuring 3cm on each side. JR. Rasclon (twice).\ |
| 1590 | ''Note: This is an experiment I've been itching to try. I want to test the projection of ideas into 914's input, and how that differs from placing objects in it. I'll start with generic, meaningless objects for now. -JR. Rasclon''\ |
| 1591 | \ |
| 1592 | '''Input:''' One iron cube, mental image of iron cube projected by D-3127\ |
| 1593 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1594 | '''Output:''' One iron sphere, of the same mass and volume as the cube. D-3127 reported their mental image changed into a sphere as well, without being told of the physical result prior. They also reported a feeling of mild nausea due to this.\ |
| 1595 | ''Note: So far, it seems that the image will change in the same way as the object, at least on 1:1. Let's test on higher settings. -JR. Rasclon''\ |
| 1596 | \ |
| 1597 | '''Input:''' See previous input.\ |
| 1598 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1599 | '''Output:''' One iron sphere, of the same mass and volume as the cube. D-3127 reported a feeling of distress and an inability to discern between cubes and spheres, with all cubic objects in their sight and mind appearing as spheres. This effect was neutralised by amnestics.\ |
| 1600 | ''Note: Fine seems to have made additional "improvements" to the mental image of the cube, rather than the cube itself. Interesting. Tentatively going for Very Fine next. -JR. Rasclon''\ |
| 1601 | \ |
| 1602 | ''Note: The next test [[OffTheRails happened spontaneously]] after the dial on 914 was set to Very Fine. Both the input and output emerged simultaneously from their respective booths. JR. Rasclon from up to this point in the test will now be referred to as Rasclon 1.''\ |
| 1603 | '''Input:''' Jr. Researcher Ija Rasclon, hereafter referred to as Rasclon 2. Rasclon 2 was unable to keep their balance and began to crawl away from 914, seemingly repelled from the object by some kind of force.\ |
| 1604 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1605 | '''Output:''' Jr. Researcher Ija Rasclon, hereafter referred to as Rasclon 3.\ |
| 1606 | ''Note: What? -Rasclon 1\ |
| 1607 | Note: [[OhNoNotAgain .niaga siht ton ,sdog hO]] [[labelnote:Translation]]Oh gods, not this again.[[/labelnote]] -Rasclon 2\ |
| 1608 | Note: To reiterate, '''what?''' -Rasclon 1\ |
| 1609 | Note: Rasclon 3 proceeded to grab Rasclons 1 and 2, and shove them both into 914, stating "Not explaining, you'll figure it out when you're me in about 30 seconds."\ |
| 1610 | Note: ?!tahW ?tahw -ni tahW [[labelnote:Translation]]What in- what? What?![[/labelnote]] -Rasclon 2''\ |
| 1611 | \ |
| 1612 | '''Input:''' Rasclon 1.\ |
| 1613 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1614 | '''Output:''' Rasclon 2.\ |
| 1615 | ''Note: Once 914 was activated, both Rasclons 1 and 2 disappeared. Rasclon 3 later admitted herself to the infirmary, giving the reason "Cause and effect is fucked and I have a migraine." Due to the absence of an acting researcher, the remaining test was suspended indefinitely. Rasclon 3 will now return to being referred to as Jr. Researcher Ija Rasclon.\ |
| 1616 | Note: 914 reversed my direction of travel through time. Twice. Is putting living organisms through 914 still an issue if I'm doing it to stop [[TimeParadox the timeline from screwing itself?]] You know what, I don't care. The consequences of my - do they count as actions? [[MindScrew The possible consequences of my maybe-actions]] can find me in the infirmary, but I maintain that [[NeverTheSelvesShallMeet everything I did was temporally necessitated by 914]]. Time travel is bullshit. -Rasclon'' |
| 1617 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0689[[/labelnote]] Professor Wren continues with her musical experiments: |
| 1618 | -->'''Input:''' 1 guitar, 1 amp.\ |
| 1619 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1620 | '''Output:''' A large chest colored like the Stratocaster. Chest is kept shut by a combination lock styled after the amp's control knobs. Upon being opened, a DVD labeled "Sing, Cover, Perform" was found inside. Analysis of the disc found an anomalous property wherein a purely instrumental version of whatever song the person who presses Play is thinking of at the time will start, complete with on-screen lyrics as needed. Additionally, whoever induces the anomaly will find themselves compelled to sing the song in question; no improvements in singing ability have been documented.\ |
| 1621 | ''Note: Good lord. Compulsory karaoke… I honestly don't know whether to be pleased or mortified. -Prof. Wren'' |
| 1622 | * A bout of tabletop maschochism: |
| 1623 | -->'''Test 914-0692'''\ |
| 1624 | '''Name:''' Researcher Gailen\ |
| 1625 | '''Date:''' 27/04/2019\ |
| 1626 | '''Total Items:''' Three copies of the [[TabletopGame/DungeonsAndDragons D&D]] module Tomb of Horrors [=3.5th=] edition.\ |
| 1627 | ''Note: I finally made some more testing time. Also, I request that the guards be equipped with water guns and the water gun sniper rifle from a previous test in the case of the module animating into a paper gargoyle or something like that. -Researcher Gailen''\ |
| 1628 | \ |
| 1629 | '''Input:''' One Tomb of Horrors module\ |
| 1630 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1631 | '''Output:''' One Tomb of Annihilation module\ |
| 1632 | \ |
| 1633 | '''Input:''' One Tomb of Horrors module\ |
| 1634 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1635 | '''Output:''' One origami figurine of each species of monsters in the Tomb of Horrors, excluding Acererak, made from the pages of the module.\ |
| 1636 | ''Note: Requesting to keep all of these, the attention to detail is amazing and I'd like to use them in an actual campaign if possible. -Researcher Gailen''\ |
| 1637 | \ |
| 1638 | '''Input:''' One Tomb of Horrors module\ |
| 1639 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1640 | '''Output:''' Upon the output booth door opening, an animate origami recreation of Acererak the Demi-Lich from the Tomb of Horrors module emerged. The figure began [[EvilLaugh laughing maniacally]] before raising its hands and drawing in every piece of paper in the room towards itself, absorbing them upon contact. Security personnel in the room began shooting it with water guns, causing visible damage to Acererak. The figurine, estimated to be 1.5 meters tall at this point, turned towards the guards and began turning pieces of paper into several slivers of paper, which were then hurled at the guards and Researcher Gailen before being shot in the head by a guard using the water gun sniper rifle. Minor paper-cuts were dealt to 3 Security Personnel and Researcher Gailen.\ |
| 1641 | ''Note: Acererak's quest for knowledge spanned to this world as well, albeit momentarily. A terrifying thing to behold even if it's only paper. Also, ouch. -Researcher Gailen'' |
| 1642 | * Another nerdy researcher has a round with 914. |
| 1643 | -->'''Test 914-0695'''\ |
| 1644 | '''Name:''' Dr. Artium\ |
| 1645 | '''Date:''' 29/04/2019\ |
| 1646 | '''Total Items:''' One copy of "VideoGame/{{Borderlands}}", One copy of "VideoGame/{{Borderlands 2}}", One copy of "Tales From the Borderlands", Three ███████ brand laptops\ |
| 1647 | ''Note: It has been a while since my last test with 914. I decided to continue with a similar string of tests involving video games with multiple random and different items to test possible 914 outputs. - Dr. Artium''\ |
| 1648 | \ |
| 1649 | '''Input:''' One copy of "Borderlands", One ███████ brand laptop\ |
| 1650 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1651 | '''Output:''' An small animate figure of the character "[=CL4P-TP=]"; upon exiting the output booth, it greeted Dr. Artium by saying "Hello Traveler!!" it then proceeded to speak with Dr. Artium for two minutes before deciding to dance. Upon further examination of the output booth, several components of the original laptop have been left apart, most likely considered by 914 to be unnecessary.\ |
| 1652 | ''Note: With permission, I would like to keep this with me in my office for reasons of testing, excitement, and to maintain everyone's sanity. -Dr. Artium\ |
| 1653 | Note: Artium, I'm telling you what I tell everyone. You can keep it, but don't complain [[TurnedAgainstTheirMasters when that thing starts shooting up your office on day 19]]. - Veritas''\ |
| 1654 | \ |
| 1655 | '''Input:''' One copy of "Borderlands 2", One ███████ brand laptop\ |
| 1656 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1657 | '''Output:''' A mask resembling the face worn by the main antagonist of the game, "Handsome Jack". Like the last test, upon examination of the output booth, there were multiple extraneous computer parts belonging to the original laptop.\ |
| 1658 | ''Note: Jack was always my favorite video game villain, neat. Request to keep this in my office after examination of potential anomalous abilities? -Dr. Artium\ |
| 1659 | Note: Read above. - Veritas''\ |
| 1660 | \ |
| 1661 | '''Input:''' One copy of "Tales From the Borderlands", One ███████ brand laptop\ |
| 1662 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1663 | '''Output:''' A replica and seemingly working version of the "Echo Eye" used by the character "Rhys" throughout the game. Strangely though, there was also an unfinished prosthetic arm belonging to said character.\ |
| 1664 | ''Note: My colleagues, it is my intention to test this "Echo Eye"; however, I intend on being the subject. While this may seem unprofessional, I believe that the possible abilities that one could gain from the device makes it far too dangerous to implant into a D-Class subject, I have learned my lesson from the punch. I will write a report on the effects and abilities as soon as I can. -Dr. Artium\ |
| 1665 | Note: Two hours after the conclusion of Doctor Artium's tests with 914, the "Echo Eye" was implanted into his left eye. Over the course of two weeks, Dr. Artium has made significant progress in running tests on the potential benefits of this new technology. However, as of ██/██/██, Dr. Artium said that he has started seeing the character "Handsome Jack", most notably from the second game in the "Borderlands" franchise.\ |
| 1666 | Note: I will admit it has been a surreal experience so far, especially now having Handsome Jack in my head. Surprisingly, I am able to at the very least tolerate him, and he has been some help in recalibrating the eye when a small error occurred. For right now, I have no intentions of removing the "Handsome-AI" from the "Echo Eye". -Dr. Artium'' |
| 1667 | [[/folder]] |
| 1668 | |
| 1669 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 0700-0799]] |
| 1670 | * Fun with poetry: |
| 1671 | -->'''Test 914-0727'''\ |
| 1672 | '''Name:''' Dr. Tanger\ |
| 1673 | '''Date:''' 01/05/2019\ |
| 1674 | '''Total Items:''' Three copies of ''Where the Sidewalk Ends'' by Shel Silverstein.\ |
| 1675 | ''Note: I want to see if 914 understands simple poetry. If it does well on this test, we might move on to more advanced writing. - Dr. Tanger''\ |
| 1676 | \ |
| 1677 | '''Input:''' One item mentioned above\ |
| 1678 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1679 | '''Output:''' One copy of ''It's Raining Pigs and Noodles'' by Jack Prelutsky\ |
| 1680 | \ |
| 1681 | '''Input:''' One item mentioned above\ |
| 1682 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1683 | '''Output:''' One copy of ''The Foundation's Follies'' by Alexander Tanger, detailing the major failures of the Foundation in poetry form.\ |
| 1684 | ''Note: Why is this machine trying to get me fired? - Dr. Tanger''\ |
| 1685 | \ |
| 1686 | '''Input:''' One item mentioned above\ |
| 1687 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1688 | '''Output:''' A plain-looking paperweight / [[EnslavedTongue That changes the linguistic state]] / Of the author to write / Anything that they might / In a poetry form that they hate.\ |
| 1689 | ''Note: [[RageQuit A break is what I need now]] / If Veritas would ever allow / 914 has me done / So I have to run / Limerick poems are horrible - wow. - Dr. Tanger'' |
| 1690 | * Dr. Clocks decides to experiment with literature: |
| 1691 | -->'''Test 914-0729'''\ |
| 1692 | '''Name:''' Dr. Clocks, D-07431\ |
| 1693 | '''Date:''' 01/05/2019\ |
| 1694 | '''Total items:''' Five copies of Theatre/{{Macbeth}}\ |
| 1695 | ''Note: Due to the whole 'cursed' nature of the aforementioned play, I've naturally sent a D-Class in for cover, just so I don't turn into another Darby. -Dr. Clocks''\ |
| 1696 | \ |
| 1697 | '''Input:''' One copy of Macbeth\ |
| 1698 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 1699 | '''Output:''' Lumps of leather alongside piles of shredded and burnt paper.\ |
| 1700 | \ |
| 1701 | '''Input:''' One copy of Macbeth\ |
| 1702 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 1703 | '''Output:''' One standard white paper cup filled with a reddish type of liquid. Chemical analysis shows it to be a sample of 'bad luck'.\ |
| 1704 | ''Note: This is exactly what I was expecting with this test. [[TemptingFate Let's just hope it doesn't get any worse.]] -Dr. Clocks''\ |
| 1705 | \ |
| 1706 | '''Input:''' One copy of Macbeth\ |
| 1707 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1708 | '''Output:''' One copy of Theatre/TitusAndronicus.\ |
| 1709 | \ |
| 1710 | '''Input:''' One copy of Macbeth\ |
| 1711 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1712 | '''Output:''' One altered copy of Macbeth titled ''[='=]Clocks[='=]''. Analysis reveals it to be almost identical to the original play aside from several assets being changed and the characters being replaced with Foundation personnel. Macbeth has been replaced with Dr. Clocks, Lady Macbeth has been replaced with Prof. Wren, and King Duncan has been replaced with Veritas.\ |
| 1713 | ''Note: Weird. I get what 914 was going for, but why am I married to Wren? I'd also like to notify that the characters '[=MacDonald=]' and 'The Thane of Cawdor' have been replaced with Researcher Darby and Dr. Nukea. Both of whom have been killed off in the play beforehand. -Dr. Clocks''\ |
| 1714 | \ |
| 1715 | '''Input:''' One copy of Macbeth\ |
| 1716 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1717 | '''Output:''' Three miniature models of what appeared to be witches made entirely out of paper and slight traces of leather. When Dr. Clocks approached them, they yelled out 'Hail thee, █████ Clocks, Senior Researcher.', 'Hail thee, █████ Clocks, Site Director.' and finally 'Hail thee, █████ Clocks, Foundation Administrator here on out!' before being immediately being terminated by security personnel.\ |
| 1718 | ''Note: [[NoJustNoReaction No, just no. I've already had a rough day, so no.]] -Dr. Clocks'' |
| 1719 | * 914's latest gadget has a high affinity for faces: |
| 1720 | -->'''Test 914-0737'''\ |
| 1721 | '''Name:''' Researcher A. Dross[[note]]probably not ''[[VideoGame/StarFox that]]'' [[VideoGame/StarFox Andross]][[/note]]\ |
| 1722 | '''Date:''' 05/05/2019\ |
| 1723 | '''Total items:''' One VR headset, several high quality tablets, and a graph paper drawing of a 'protogen'.\ |
| 1724 | \ |
| 1725 | '''Input:''' Aforementioned items.\ |
| 1726 | '''Setting:''' Very fine\ |
| 1727 | '''Output:''' A black, somewhat triangular object that attached itself to R. Dross after an attempt to remove it from the output booth. The object promptly turned on, displaying what appeared to be the eyes, mouth, and nostrils of the protogen.\ |
| 1728 | No adverse effects observed during and after attachment.\ |
| 1729 | \ |
| 1730 | ''Note: Despite efforts by medical personnel to get the visor off, it cannot be removed. Further attempts are discouraged, due to it now being R. Dross's face.\ |
| 1731 | Note: Researcher A. Dross retains the ability to breathe, eat, and see through anomalous means. Additionally, emotions such as anger and sadness display emoticons on the visor.'' |
| 1732 | * Darby returns and has wised up... ''somewhat''. Unfortunately, 914 perceives [[CrazyPrepared precautions against its shenanigans]] as a dare to [[OutGambitted take them up a notch]]. |
| 1733 | -->'''Test 914-0740'''\ |
| 1734 | '''Name:''' Researcher Darby\ |
| 1735 | '''Date:''' 07/05/2019\ |
| 1736 | '''Total Items:''' Six Boeing 737 jet engines\ |
| 1737 | ''Note: I obtained military grade blast shields, so hopefully if things go wrong, I will not get hurt - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1738 | \ |
| 1739 | '''Input:''' One Boeing 737 engine.\ |
| 1740 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 1741 | '''Output:''' One mangled and scorched Boeing 737 engine.\ |
| 1742 | \ |
| 1743 | '''Input:''' One Boeing 737 engine\ |
| 1744 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 1745 | '''Output:''' Several piles of engine components and a bucket of fuel.\ |
| 1746 | ''Note: Did I forget to flush the fuel from the engines? Well, it's too late at this point anyway. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1747 | \ |
| 1748 | '''Input:''' One Boeing 737 engine\ |
| 1749 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1750 | '''Output:''' Two Rolls Royce engines.\ |
| 1751 | \ |
| 1752 | '''Input:''' One Boeing 737 engine\ |
| 1753 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1754 | '''Output:''' One liquid fuel booster (bell nozzle).\ |
| 1755 | \ |
| 1756 | '''Input:''' One Boeing 737 engine\ |
| 1757 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1758 | '''Output:''' One Steel mannequin dressed in heavy plate armor reminiscent of medieval German armors. Mannequin is armed with several blades arrayed around its body and is posed as if to ambush whoever enters the booth.\ |
| 1759 | ''Note: Thankfully, it is not animate, I don't think there's enough Security Personnel to contain it if it was. I do like that it is completely anatomically correct, it even has fuel for blood. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1760 | \ |
| 1761 | '''Input:''' One Boeing 737 engine\ |
| 1762 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1763 | '''Output:''' Seven miniature jet fighters that, upon SCP-914's output door opening, flew out and attacked Researcher Darby to no effect due to crashing into Researcher Darby's blast shield. Inside the output booth, 13 more planes were found. They seemed inoperable until Researcher Darby attempted to collect them, upon which they self-destructed, fracturing several bones of both Darby and surrounding security personnel.\ |
| 1764 | ''Note: I think maybe I'll try something simpler next time, like a teddy bear, or a log. That can't possibly hurt me, right? - Researcher Darby\ |
| 1765 | Note: The log (if wood) would probably explode giving everyone splinters, and the bear probably would find some magical way to hurt someone. Why not try a mug? It couldn't be that bad, right? -Intern Lunar\ |
| 1766 | Note: What about a plastic bottle full of oxygen? Surely that couldn’t harm Darby if it was refined… right? -Dr. Clockworks\ |
| 1767 | Note: Darby got really lucky this time. Normally such an outcome would result in at least one death. - Dr. Cleveland\ |
| 1768 | Note: I'm glad that you are taking more precautions towards your safety, Darby. This should be an example for everyone and will definitely help with lowering the amount of pain killers I've been prescribing to this research unit. -Doctor Starr.\ |
| 1769 | Note: Darby, maybe a battery next test. It might make something compatible with this stupid thing on my face. - Researcher A. Dross.\ |
| 1770 | Note: [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh. Darby's back. Fantastic.]] - Veritas'' |
| 1771 | * Yet more fun with alcohol: |
| 1772 | -->'''Test 914-0753'''\ |
| 1773 | '''Name:''' Dr. Mensa\ |
| 1774 | '''Date:''' 09/05/2019\ |
| 1775 | '''Total Items:''' 3 crystal wine glasses\ |
| 1776 | ''Note: These were expensive, this better be good. -Dr. Mensa''\ |
| 1777 | \ |
| 1778 | '''Input:''' 1 Wine Glass\ |
| 1779 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1780 | '''Output:''' 1 crystal pint glass\ |
| 1781 | ''Note: the “pint” glass is considerably smaller than a regular pint glass -Dr. Mensa''\ |
| 1782 | \ |
| 1783 | '''Input:''' 1 Wine Glass\ |
| 1784 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1785 | '''Output:''' A crystal statuette of a sobbing boy.\ |
| 1786 | ''Note: Despite the terrible pun (whining), the statuette itself is quite exquisite. Permission to keep it in my office? -Dr. Mensa\ |
| 1787 | Note: Granted. You have a weird taste in decoration, Mensa. - Veritas''\ |
| 1788 | \ |
| 1789 | '''Input:''' 1 Wine Glass\ |
| 1790 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1791 | '''Output:''' [[strike:Unchanged.]] When D-23546 went to retrieve the glass, she immediately started acting like she was intoxicated. Proceeded to attempt seducing Dr. Mensa, who was visibly uncomfortable. Upon guards attempting to retrieve D-23546, she became very agitated and attempted to attack a guard, after which she was terminated. Output was later moved to anomalous item storage. |
| 1792 | * Fun with gemstones: |
| 1793 | -->'''Test 914-0769'''\ |
| 1794 | '''Name:''' Researcher Jane Cho\ |
| 1795 | '''Date:''' 12/05/2019\ |
| 1796 | '''Total Items:''' 0.1kg arkose sandstone, 0.1kg shale, 0.1kg limestone, 0.1kg chert, 0.1kg laterite, 0.1kg anthracite coal\ |
| 1797 | ''Note: I'm putting the same things in again, but this time on Very Fine. I’m only putting in one tenth of what I put in last time because it might get dangerous. Also, I’m having D-99823 take care of the output, just in case. - Jane Cho''\ |
| 1798 | \ |
| 1799 | '''Input:''' Arkose sandstone\ |
| 1800 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1801 | '''Output:''' A roughly octahedral mass of arkose sandstone that is capable of vocalization. The sandstone proceeded to engage in a conversation (recorded below) with D-99823 before being taken out of the output booth by security personnel. |
| 1802 | --->[BEGIN LOG]\ |
| 1803 | '''Sandstone:''' Hello!\ |
| 1804 | '''D-99823:''' Aah!\ |
| 1805 | '''Sandstone:''' I’m Sandy!\ |
| 1806 | '''D-99823:''' Oh. (To security guards) [[UnusuallyUninterestingSight It’s a talking rock. I think it’s safe.]]\ |
| 1807 | '''Sandstone:''' I come from the planet of SAND!\ |
| 1808 | '''D-99823:''' Uh… Actually, you were made by this clockwork machine.\ |
| 1809 | '''Sandstone:''' I’m Sandy!\ |
| 1810 | '''D-99823:''' Huh?\ |
| 1811 | '''Sandstone:''' I come from the planet of SAND!\ |
| 1812 | ''D-99823 pauses for a few seconds, and then proceeds to take the object out of the output booth.''\ |
| 1813 | '''Sandstone:''' ([[CuteButCacophonic At 110 decibels]]) SAND!\ |
| 1814 | ''[[SensoryAbuse D-99823 became stunned by this]] and was unable to take the object out of the output booth. Security staff was able to remove the object successfully via use of earplugs. Object currently in storage.''\ |
| 1815 | [END LOG] |
| 1816 | -->''Note: Apparently, [[WelcomeToCorneria the 4 phrases it vocalized during the incident are the only things it can say.]] Object presumed to be not sentient. - Jane Cho''\ |
| 1817 | \ |
| 1818 | '''Input:''' Shale\ |
| 1819 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1820 | '''Output:''' A rectangular object with a small circular cavity on one side and a similar sized circular protrusion on its top. Touching the circular protrusion causes light to be emitted from the cavity. When projected onto a canvas, it shows real-time footage of shale being formed.\ |
| 1821 | \ |
| 1822 | '''Input:''' Limestone\ |
| 1823 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1824 | '''Output:''' The same limestone, however with the words “SUPER LIMESTONE” engraved onto it. All subjects viewing it will be persuaded that it is superior to all other limestone, and will praise it for being high-quality.\ |
| 1825 | \ |
| 1826 | '''Input:''' Chert\ |
| 1827 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1828 | '''Output:''' A levitating toroid made of silica. When in the vicinity of a rock composed of >90% silica, the object will emit a beam of light and attempt to destroy it. All attempts are unsuccessful.\ |
| 1829 | ''Note: Thank goodness I wasn't in there when it came out of the output booth. That thing shot at my phone while being carried away because of the amethyst bunny keychain. - Jane Cho''\ |
| 1830 | \ |
| 1831 | '''Input:''' Laterite\ |
| 1832 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1833 | '''Output:''' A small ruby on a dark red pedestal. Upon being removed from the pedestal, the ruby emitted a bright flash of light, and caused all personnel on-site to compliment Intern Lunar whenever they were in his vicinity. This effect lasted for 5 hours.\ |
| 1834 | ''Note: [[CallBack I have a feeling that I’ve seen this one before.]] Also, I duct-taped the ruby to the pedestal and put it in a box so it doesn’t activate again. - Jane Cho\ |
| 1835 | Note: Those that gave me gifts can take them back now if you want. I don't think I should have a Level 3 access card. -Intern Lunar''\ |
| 1836 | \ |
| 1837 | '''Input:''' Anthracite coal\ |
| 1838 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1839 | '''Output:''' Very fine coal powder\ |
| 1840 | ''Note: Wait, what? - Jane Cho\ |
| 1841 | Note: 914 going literal, huh? The world has gone mad. - Veritas'' |
| 1842 | * Darby cannot even experiment with ''teddy bears'' without nearly getting killed by 914! |
| 1843 | -->'''Test 914-0777'''\ |
| 1844 | '''Name:''' Researcher Darby\ |
| 1845 | '''Date:''' 15/05/2019\ |
| 1846 | '''Total Items:''' 511 teddy bears\ |
| 1847 | ''Note: My tea tasted really fishy this morning, so when I’m done with this I’m going to the infirmary. Luckily I found five-hundred eleven teddy bears so I have something to experiment with. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1848 | '''Input:''' One hundred teddy bears\ |
| 1849 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 1850 | '''Output:''' A pile of cotton fluff and ripped fur completely filling the output booth.\ |
| 1851 | ''Note: A teddy bear holds a surprising amount of fluff inside. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1852 | \ |
| 1853 | '''Input:''' One hundred teddy bears\ |
| 1854 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 1855 | '''Output:''' Neatly separated piles of Cotton, folded sheets of fur, and plastic components.\ |
| 1856 | ''Note: That pile of eyes gave me the creeps, [[BeingWatched I think it was watching me.]] - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1857 | \ |
| 1858 | '''Input:''' One hundred teddy bears\ |
| 1859 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 1860 | '''Output:''' Fifty pairs of stuffed toys in many different species, such as Lions, Tigers, Bears, Penguins, Elephants, Pigeons, Deer, Moose, Dogs, Humans, and many more.\ |
| 1861 | ''Note: It's like Noah's Ark in here, permission to keep a penguin, Dr. Veritas? - Researcher Darby\ |
| 1862 | Note: Fine. - Veritas''\ |
| 1863 | \ |
| 1864 | '''Input:''' One hundred teddy bears\ |
| 1865 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1866 | '''Output:''' One hundred polar bear stuffed animals, noticeably cleaner and of finer make than the input.\ |
| 1867 | ''Note: I was not expecting something like that. I would have expected a reaction like that on a setting such as 1:1. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 1868 | \ |
| 1869 | '''Input:''' One hundred teddy bears\ |
| 1870 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1871 | '''Output:''' [[strike:Wall of Fur]] [[strike:A giant humanoid bear that left the output booth and proceeded to hug Researcher Darby into unconsciousness]] A large parasitic and animated Fur-suit that forcibly knocks potential hosts unconscious and puts itself on them. Replaces Host's skin within 24 hours and forcibly overwrites host consciousness within 12 hours. Researcher Darby was recovered successfully and the suit was sent for examination, [[BrainBleach Researcher Darby has requested that he be given amnesiacs to forget the event.]]\ |
| 1872 | ''Note: I am never going to do tests with anything fur related again and am giving the remaining 11 Bears to other personnel, starting with Prof. Wren. - Researcher Darby\ |
| 1873 | Note: [[EpicFail Darby, how, just how, did this manage to occur.]] - Researcher Dross.\ |
| 1874 | Note: Where on earth did you find five hundred eleven teddy bears? - Dr. Hort\ |
| 1875 | Note: I was just lucky, I guess. - Researcher Darby\ |
| 1876 | Note: Well, that sounded like it was supposed to be an explanation. - Veritas'' |
| 1877 | * Fun (read: fiascos) with food: |
| 1878 | -->'''Test 914-0780'''\ |
| 1879 | ''Note: The following test was authorized after a formal request was put in from the kitchen crew.''\ |
| 1880 | \ |
| 1881 | '''Name:''' Asst. Chef Barkley\ |
| 1882 | '''Date:''' 14/05/2019\ |
| 1883 | '''Total items:''' Five 20kg bags of various spices.\ |
| 1884 | ''Note: We're seeing if maybe we can use this to liven up the menu choices a bit, seeing as our site doesn't have an infinite pizza box like some locations. -Barkley\ |
| 1885 | Note: They don't actually use it there. It's an SCP, so eating from it for no reason is against the rules. - Jane Cho\ |
| 1886 | Note: Oh yeah, using the machine in an attempt to create better condiments, [[WhatCouldPossiblyGoWrong this cannot possibly go wrong]]. - Veritas''\ |
| 1887 | \ |
| 1888 | '''Input:''' 20kg bag of cinnamon.\ |
| 1889 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1890 | '''Output:''' A 1kg statue of the Egyptian sun deity ''Amon'', made entirely of cinnamon, wearing clothes and jewelry made from the bag. The statue possesses an anomalous quality wherein [[HypnoticEyes looking into its eyes]] compels the viewer to commit some variety of immoral acts. [[note]]In other words, a [[{{Pun}} Sin Amon]].[[/note]]\\ |
| 1891 | ''Note: Well that wasn't anything close to what I was hoping for. Maybe the next one will do something better? -Barkley''\ |
| 1892 | \ |
| 1893 | '''Input:''' 20kg bag of oregano.\ |
| 1894 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1895 | '''Output:''' Five 4kg bags of oregano. No anomalous qualities or other dangers detected. Taste-testing by D-class revealed each cube to have a different taste to them.\ |
| 1896 | ''Note: Huh. Interesting, but not sure how well these will be received. -Barkley''\ |
| 1897 | \ |
| 1898 | '''Input:''' 20kg bag of thyme.\ |
| 1899 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1900 | '''Output:''' None. Testing halted for 20 minutes while attempting to assess what happened to the input.\ |
| 1901 | ''Note: [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh man, I'm not gonna get in trouble, am I?]] -Barkley''\ |
| 1902 | \ |
| 1903 | '''Input:''' 20kg bag of sea salt\ |
| 1904 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1905 | '''Output:''' A 20kg bag of a salt-like crystalline powder and a 20kg bag of thyme, matching the input from the previous experiment. [[note]][[{{Pun}} Time-traveling thyme!]][[/note]] The salt-like product was confirmed to be sea salt, but with an intensely stronger flavor. D-class was ordered to stop consuming the salt but refused; D-class terminated moments later after rapidly going through dehydration and desiccation.\ |
| 1906 | \ |
| 1907 | ''Note: Asst. Chef Barkley was escorted to medical for psychological screening and administration of amnestics. Remaining item and bags of oregano were returned to the kitchen staff.\ |
| 1908 | Note: Can I still punish him for something he can't remember? - Veritas\ |
| 1909 | Note: I'll talk for the main Chef for you, Lucius. Somehow, I think I'll be able to get the message across at a lower volume. - Site Director Hackett'' |
| 1910 | * In a world full of {{Brown Note}}s, having SuperSenses is [[BlessedWithSuck extremely dangerous]]: |
| 1911 | -->'''Test 914-0785'''\ |
| 1912 | '''Name:''' Researcher Lombardi\ |
| 1913 | '''Date:''' 15/05/2019\ |
| 1914 | '''Total Items:''' One wooden door with attached frame, one remote exploration drone.\ |
| 1915 | \ |
| 1916 | '''Input:''' Wooden door with attached frame\ |
| 1917 | '''Setting:''' Very fine\ |
| 1918 | '''Output:''' One wooden door with attached frame. Resulting door is square, thinner, and with a much larger surface area. Object emerged diagonally to fit within the output booth. The door reveals a spatial anomaly when opened. From the front, a darkened, metallic enclosure can be made out. When viewed from behind, no anomaly is seen.\ |
| 1919 | ''Note: Obviously light can reach us from the other side of the anomaly, but that is no guarantee that solid objects will be able to travel both ways. We are going to send in an exploration drone to map out the area and give us some GPS coordinates of its location. - Lombardi''\ |
| 1920 | \ |
| 1921 | '''Input:''' One remote exploration drone\ |
| 1922 | ''Note: We have determined that the spatial anomaly leads to the input booth of 914. - Lombardi''\ |
| 1923 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1924 | '''Output:''' A spherical object resembling a cybernetic eye. Object is rough 30 centimeters in diameter. Both sides of the device are equipped with touch interfaces in the shape of stylized hand-prints. Testing has revealed the device grants the operator the ability to observe a volume of space centered around their location, through all sensory means. Initial tests recorded below. |
| 1925 | --->[BEGIN LOG]\ |
| 1926 | '''Lombardi:''' D-87273, please pick up the object in front of you.\ |
| 1927 | ''D-87273 picks up the cybernetic eye, placing her hands on the touch interface in the process.''\ |
| 1928 | '''D-87273:''' Woah. I can see the entire room.\ |
| 1929 | '''Lombardi:''' Please elaborate.\ |
| 1930 | '''D-87273:''' It's like I can see and hear everything at once and it's not overwhelming — I'm inside and outside of the room at the same time. I am everywhere. Like — all of you are clothed but I see your bodies as well. I can even see inside them. Brains, guts, everything.\ |
| 1931 | '''Lombardi:''' Are you able to control where your vision extends?\ |
| 1932 | '''D-87273:''' Yeah, it's like the device is responding to my thoughts. I bet I could see this entire building if I wanted to.\ |
| 1933 | '''Lombardi:''' [[OhCrap I]] ''[[OhCrap strongly]]'' [[OhCrap advise you not to-]]\ |
| 1934 | ''D-87273 suddenly shrieks and collapses, presumably from [[BrownNote observing every memetic and cognitohazard contained within site-19 simultaneously]]. D-class slowly rises, [[GoMadFromTheRevelation babbling]] and showing signs of [[BodyHorror rapid body mutation]]. On-site security quickly terminate and incinerate subject.''\ |
| 1935 | [END LOG] |
| 1936 | -->''Note: The eye has been confiscated and moved to anomalous item storage. As for the remote-input door, we're keeping that contained until we determine if its utility outweighs the inherent risk, and if we would even able to destroy it without damaging 914. - Lombardi\ |
| 1937 | Note: God damn it, Lombardi, I'm already up to my neck in janitorial complaints and the Security Chief calling me daily, you just '''had''' to add the memetic containment department to that list as well. - Veritas\ |
| 1938 | Note: I see a mandatory training seminar for "Effective management of D-class" has been added to my calendar. Point taken. - Lombardi'' |
| 1939 | * 914 still doesn't appreciate being used as a job aid: |
| 1940 | -->''Note: After hearing about prior experiments involving 914 producing potentially monatizeable products, the Site-19 Head of Funding, Mrs. Sally █████, ordered us to see if we can replicate previous results.''\ |
| 1941 | \ |
| 1942 | '''Test 914-0791'''\ |
| 1943 | '''Name:''' Site-19 Accountants Lawrence and Dan.\ |
| 1944 | '''Date:''' 17/05/2019\ |
| 1945 | '''Total items:''' One post-it note, reading: ''"Make us something useful, 914."'', one set of five 5 kilogram cubes, each made out of steel, chromium, copper, silicon and gold respectively, 5 plastic boxes containing 10 kilograms of [=PCBs=], 5 tanks of ██-Brand printer ink, one of A4 paper.\ |
| 1946 | \ |
| 1947 | '''Input:''' Above mentioned\ |
| 1948 | '''Setting:''' [[strike:1:1]] Very Fine, unintentionally turned past 1:1.\ |
| 1949 | '''Output:''' A rectangular device with a single red switch and a commercial printer. Upon the activation of said switch, the Site administration printing press stopped functioning. The printer printed a cognitohazardous symbol that caused those affected to slap any Foundation accountants they see, telling them to ''"Do their own jobs."''\ |
| 1950 | ''Note: Printer and switch incinerated, cognitohazard ceased. Testing licenses revoked. - Veritas'' |
| 1951 | [[/folder]] |
| 1952 | |
| 1953 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 0800-0899]] |
| 1954 | * 914 is asked to present more of its opinions: |
| 1955 | -->'''Test 914-0807'''\ |
| 1956 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren\ |
| 1957 | '''Date:''' 23/05/2019\ |
| 1958 | '''Total Items:''' 3 blank VHS tapes with pictures of various research personnel on the labels.\ |
| 1959 | ''Note: We've seen some… I suppose "interesting" is the word?… results regarding photos. Let's see what happens here. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 1960 | \ |
| 1961 | '''Input:''' A VHS tape labeled with a photo of Researcher Darby.\ |
| 1962 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1963 | '''Output:''' A VHS tape labeled "Foundation Daze: Seriously Crazy Pratfalls." Footage on the tape shows accidents throughout the SCP Foundation, including personnel injuries, containment breaches, and [[NoodleIncident [REDACTED]]], all set to a laugh track and voiced over by Tom Bergeron. All depicted incidents confirmed to have never happened.\ |
| 1964 | ''Note: Suggest making this available to everyone, because some of these were pretty funny. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 1965 | \ |
| 1966 | '''Input:''' A VHS tape labeled with a photo of Dr. Veritas.\ |
| 1967 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1968 | '''Output:''' A VHS tape labeled "Dr. Veritas' Circus Calamitus." Footage on the tape shows various 914 research personnel performing multiple circus acts, such as Researcher Darby juggling knives on a tightrope, with Dr. Veritas [[SurroundedByIdiots visibly struggling in his role as ringmaster]] while trying to keep the acts from ending in disaster. Footage ends 23 minutes in [[EpicFail with the circus tent bursting into flames]].\ |
| 1969 | \ |
| 1970 | '''Input:''' A VHS tape labeled with a photo of Dr. Nukea.\ |
| 1971 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1972 | '''Output:''' A VHS tape labeled as a copy of 17 Again. Footage on the tape is a continuous 5-hour "TV Color Test" overlayed with the sound of the Emergency Broadcast System.\ |
| 1973 | ''Note: What surprises me about this is exactly how '''unsurprising''' it is. -Prof. Wren'' |
| 1974 | * 914 gets to work on electric fly swatters, with amazing results: |
| 1975 | -->'''Test 914-0810'''\ |
| 1976 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren\ |
| 1977 | '''Total Items:''' 3 electronic fly swatters, designed to run on 4 AA batteries.\ |
| 1978 | ''Note: For those who don't know, these are basically bug zappers shaped like tennis racquets. [REDACTED] was having a clearance sale on them, so I figured, why not? For all we know, this might wind up creating something that can kill SCP-682 or something. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 1979 | \ |
| 1980 | '''Input:''' A swatter.\ |
| 1981 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1982 | '''Output:''' At first glance, an unaltered swatter. Switching it on, however, causes the head of the swatter to glow blue and produce a low hum, producing varied noises when swung or switched off. [[TooDumbToLive D-class testing the device expired touching the head against orders and suffering a fatal electrical shock.]] Device instantly switched off afterwards due to the batteries being drained.\ |
| 1983 | ''Note: What he thought was going to happen from touching what was effectively the blade of Maria Sharapova's lightsaber is beyond me, but I guess this is why we '''have''' these guys. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 1984 | \ |
| 1985 | '''Input:''' A swatter.\ |
| 1986 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 1987 | '''Output:''' The same swatter, but with the wires forming the "strike zone" of the head missing. Objects passing through the now-empty hoop while it is active are exposed to a localized electromagnetic pulse contained completely within the "strike zone." EMP is strong enough to completely destroy unprotected electronics.\ |
| 1988 | ''Note: Well, that's just useless. Okay, time to wrap this test up with a VF run. Heads up, everyone. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 1989 | \ |
| 1990 | '''Input:''' A swatter.\ |
| 1991 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 1992 | '''Output:''' A "swatter-drone" with 2 wings comprised of the head split down the middle (forming 2 full heads at half thickness) and attached to the handle. Drone hovers in the air via electromagnetic propulsion. Drone appears to hover in place, moving only when pushed, unless a flying insect enters within a vicinity of approx. 20 meters of it, at which point it will fly directly at the insect at a clocked air speed of 35 km/h and [[HighVoltageDeath slap its wings together, electrocuting the insect and reducing it to ash]]. Wings are otherwise safe to the touch. D-class suffered 3rd-degree facial burns during testing when a gnat landed on his nose.\ |
| 1993 | ''Note: This will be handy if we can just get it to quit swatting bugs while they're on people. Sweet. -Prof. Wren\ |
| 1994 | Note: As of time of writing, the drone has remained in air for 7 hours 43 minutes; means of the batteries producing the power for this not yet known, likely an effect of running the batteries through on the "Very Fine" setting.\ |
| 1995 | Note: Due to its method of levitation, the floor of SCP-914’s testing chamber is now heated to over 100 degrees Celsius. Object has been deactivated and put in anomalous storage. Personnel are prohibited from entering the room until it cools off. - Security Chief Sedna\ |
| 1996 | Note: Okay, so that's two design flaws. My bad. Shouldn't be too difficult to install a remote on/off function directly inline with the power supply, though. Now if you'll excuse me, my ears are still ringing from getting an earful from Dr. Veritas, and I have a security manual to re-read. -Prof. Wren'' |
| 1997 | * Asking 914 to be artistic is just asking for trouble: |
| 1998 | -->'''Test 914-0812'''\ |
| 1999 | '''Name:''' Researcher Loki\ |
| 2000 | '''Date:''' 25/05/2019\ |
| 2001 | '''Total Items:''' 100 Kilograms of modeling clay, 1 bucket of yellow paint, several tubes of other colored paint\ |
| 2002 | ''Note: I shall unlock SCP-914's artistic talent, and then I will sell it for millions like they do for zoo animals. - Researcher Loki''\ |
| 2003 | \ |
| 2004 | '''Input:''' Above mentioned\ |
| 2005 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2006 | '''Output:''' Life-size model of SCP-173. Researcher Loki was transferred to the medical bay due to [[OhCrap dangerous levels of adrenaline in his blood]]. |
| 2007 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0836[[/labelnote]]Professor Wren runs a test with electric keyboards and video game consoles, taking care to have everyone wear hearing protection because the Playstation X they're using has a very loud startup sound and 914 might produce something that involves said noise. [[ProperlyParanoid Sure enough]], the PSX test makes a keyboard /CD player hybrid that plays the first note/20 seconds of music so loudly, it produces [[GaleForceSound a sonic blast of sound]] that kills the D-class who tested it. |
| 2008 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0837[[/labelnote]] Testing with a spoon leads to [[ShoutOut an obvious reference]] to ''Film/TheMatrix'': |
| 2009 | -->'''Input:''' 1 metal spoon\ |
| 2010 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2011 | '''Output:''' 1 bent metal spoon.\ |
| 2012 | ''When Assistant Researcher Erickson viewed the input booth, he appeared extremely confused, repeatedly stating “The booth is empty” and “there is no spoon”. Upon picking the object up and handing it to him, it phased through his hands. It appears that he is unable to interact with or perceive the spoon.- Researcher Graymont'' |
| 2013 | * Trying to refine cleaning supplies in SCP-914 ends disastrously. |
| 2014 | -->'''Test 914-0841'''\ |
| 2015 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren, Assistant Janitor Wakowski\ |
| 2016 | '''Date:''' 31/05/2019\ |
| 2017 | '''Total Items:''' Five 25 liter containers of "industrial purple" multi-surface sanitizer/cleaner, purple in color with a typical "cleaning fluid" smell.\ |
| 2018 | ''Note: Wakowski put in a formal request a few days ago, hoping to use 914 to make something to better keep the facility clean with. While his request was denied, I've gotten him clearance to observe this test and offered to run it myself. Personally, I'm kinda hoping at least one of these [[GoneHorriblyWrong goes horribly wrong]] so that people will stop getting the idea of using an unpredictable SCP to make their jobs easier. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2019 | '''Input:''' 1 container.\ |
| 2020 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2021 | '''Output:''' A 25 liter container of "landfill lime" multi-surface sanitizer/cleaner, now green in color and smelling like rotting garbage.\ |
| 2022 | ''Note: Yeah, needless to say, this one went '''straight''' in the incinerator. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2023 | \ |
| 2024 | '''Input:''' 1 container\ |
| 2025 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2026 | '''Output:''' 2 2.5-gallon containers of "agricultural yellow" sanitizer/cleaner, now yellow in color and smelling like fertilizer.\ |
| 2027 | ''Note: Wakowski asked that we try a higher setting, since clearly 1:1 was getting nowhere. I wholeheartedly agree; these previous test results stink in every sense of the term. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2028 | \ |
| 2029 | '''Input:''' 1 container\ |
| 2030 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2031 | '''Output:''' A plastic, pump-action water rifle with a 25 liter capacity, filled with the "industrial purple" solution. Pumping the handle shoots a spray of roughly 207ml of fluid over a distance of less than 2 meters.\ |
| 2032 | \ |
| 2033 | '''Input:''' 1 container\ |
| 2034 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2035 | '''Output:''' A large plastic disc filled with 25 liters of the "industrial purple" solution. No means of removing the solution without destroying the disc has been found.\ |
| 2036 | ''Note: Well, those were kinda useless. Wakowski wanted to try Very Fine on the last one, so be warned. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2037 | \ |
| 2038 | '''Input:''' 1 container\ |
| 2039 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2040 | '''Output:''' A small plastic container with a plastic cap on top. Container found to contain 25 liters of the "industrial purple" solution under extreme pressure.\ |
| 2041 | ''Note: D-class testing the device was terminated upon removing the cap, which caused the container to explode, strike him with high-velocity plastic projectiles, and scour much of his face off with high-pressure chemical spray.''\ |
| 2042 | \ |
| 2043 | ''Note: I suspect Wakowski and I are both going to get our asses chewed for that one, but hopefully this gets the point across to the rest of the Site staff. Silver lining, at least the cleanup crew got a head start on this one. -Prof. Wren\ |
| 2044 | Note: Half of the testing area walls are purple and the other half of the walls are [[{{Gorn}} smeared with D-21392's remains]]. The cleanup crew will have a head start on the job because the two of you will be doing most of it. - Veritas'' |
| 2045 | * In the wise words of WebVideo/JonTron: Nope nope nope nope nope nope [[NoJustNoReaction sooooooo much nope]]! |
| 2046 | -->'''Test 914-0858'''\ |
| 2047 | '''Name:''' Dr. Clocks\ |
| 2048 | '''Date:''' 09/06/2019\ |
| 2049 | '''Total Items:''' Three sets of short stories written by Creator/HPLovecraft\ |
| 2050 | \ |
| 2051 | '''Input:''' One set of Lovecraftian stories\ |
| 2052 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2053 | '''Output:''' One altered set of stories written by Lovecraft. Writing now is more up to date, events in the book take place in more modern areas and times and leading characters are more varied with characters ranging from all sorts of backgrounds and ethnicities.\ |
| 2054 | \ |
| 2055 | '''Input:''' One set of Lovecraftian stories\ |
| 2056 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2057 | '''Output:''' One stack of SCP files, each with clearance level 3. Confiscated by Dr. Veritas.\ |
| 2058 | ''Note: It is funny to see what 914 did here. Then again, most of these monsters that we keep locked up could definitely work in some [[CosmicHorrorStory Cosmic Horror stories]]. -Dr. Clocks''\ |
| 2059 | \ |
| 2060 | '''Input:''' One set of Lovecraftian stories\ |
| 2061 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2062 | '''Output:''' One hardback covered book. The front cover of said book depicts [[BlackSpeech a language currently unknown in origin]]. Before proper analysis was taken into place, Dr Clocks almost instinctively removed the book from the testing area and placed it into the incinerator.\ |
| 2063 | ''Note: [[GenreSavvy Look, we all how this would have ended.]] We've all read Lovecraft and we know [[GoMadFromTheRevelation exactly what will happen]] when we read it. -Dr. Clocks\ |
| 2064 | Note: Good call. - Veritas'' |
| 2065 | * 914 only respects one man[[note]]okay, ''maybe'' two men[[/note]]… much to his chagrin: |
| 2066 | -->'''Test 914-0869'''\ |
| 2067 | '''Name:''' Junior Researcher Jimson\ |
| 2068 | '''Date:''' 17/06/2019\ |
| 2069 | '''Input:''' One typed note reading "Hello, 914. I have been recently assigned to work with you. I am interested in us working together as effectively as possible."\ |
| 2070 | \ |
| 2071 | '''Input:''' Above mentioned\ |
| 2072 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2073 | '''Output:''' A typed, one-page brochure entitled "How to effectively work with 914". Aside from the title and some generic black-and-white graphics, the brochure is blank. A cognitohazardous effect when viewing the output causes the viewer to have the overwhelming urge to find and speak at length to MT Johnson on the subject of the intricacies and good strategies of equipment repair. Output incinerated and JR Jimson along with two security guards were administered amnestics after being escorted to the infirmary by a very irritated-looking MT Johnson.\ |
| 2074 | ''Note: Aside from the cognitohazard and being administered amnestics on my first test at this facility, I'd say this first test went as well as it could. On a related note, my future tests in this series will be run on settings no higher than 1:1; less chance of producing anomalous effects that way. - JR Jimson'' |
| 2075 | * Fun with literature: |
| 2076 | -->'''Test 914-0880'''\ |
| 2077 | '''Name:''' Junior Researcher Jimson, D-49918, D-49919\ |
| 2078 | '''Date:''' 22/06/2019\ |
| 2079 | '''Total Items:''' 5 old texts acquired from a local book sale.\ |
| 2080 | ''Note: Between cognitohazards and oil baths, I've decided using a D-class is the only smart thing to do.''\ |
| 2081 | \ |
| 2082 | '''Input:''' A copy of the Encyclopædia Britannica Vol. 11 dated 1952\ |
| 2083 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 2084 | '''Output:''' A pile of shredded paper and book covering. Some parts appear to have been singed while others appear to be torn. No cut marks were noted.\ |
| 2085 | \ |
| 2086 | '''Input:''' The complete works of William Shakespeare.\ |
| 2087 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 2088 | '''Output:''' A book titled "A Complete Anthology of [[Literature/TheHitchhikersGuideToTheGalaxy Vogon Poetry]]". Upon retrieval from the output booth, D-49918 took it upon himself to open the book and read some poetry. Upon doing so, [[BrownNote his brain activity immediately ceased]]. Book was incinerated.\ |
| 2089 | ''Note: While I'm curious what combination of words could possibly lead someone's brain to stop functioning, I've read The Hitchhiker's Guide and know enough to not find out for myself. I thought burning the book would be doing the universe a service.''\ |
| 2090 | \ |
| 2091 | '''Input:''' One copy of Merriam-Webster's English dictionary\ |
| 2092 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2093 | '''Output:''' One copy of the Oxford English dictionary.\ |
| 2094 | \ |
| 2095 | '''Input:''' One Physician's Desk Reference dated 1977\ |
| 2096 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2097 | '''Output:''' One Physician's Desk Reference dated 2063. Result sent for study and possible usage by the medical staff on-site.\ |
| 2098 | ''Note: Nice! If it's real, then that should have some new tricks to make our doctors happy.\ |
| 2099 | Note: It would be, [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome but the text references instruments that don't actually exist, as well as some unknown anatomical terms]]. - Veritas''\ |
| 2100 | \ |
| 2101 | '''Input:''' One text entitled "The Complete World of Greek Mythology" by Richard Buxton\ |
| 2102 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2103 | '''Output:''' One ornate hard, paper box with a hinged lid clasped shut. On the top of the box was inscribed the words "Jimson's Box". A note was found next to the box that read "Do not open". Given the myth concerning Pandora's Box, D-49919 was terminated by security forces on JR Jimson's order when attempting to open the box after retrieval from the output booth. Output placed in secure storage locker while awaiting approval for further testing.\ |
| 2104 | ''Note: Why "Jimson's Box"? Am I supposed to open it? [[SchmuckBait Is it weird that I'm very tempted to see what's inside?]] I'd like to request permission to study the contents of this box in a controlled setting to determine its potential value to society. -Junior Researcher Jimson\ |
| 2105 | Note: Denied. [[DontTouchItYouIdiot Opening something with even a slight resemblance to the mythical object sounds like a poor idea.]] - Veritas'' |
| 2106 | * Fun with coffee: |
| 2107 | -->'''Test 914-0883'''\ |
| 2108 | '''Name:''' Researcher Laskenta; D-46931\ |
| 2109 | '''Date:''' 25/06/2019\ |
| 2110 | '''Total Items:''' One metal mug, filled with coffee; One (cleaned) coffee machine\ |
| 2111 | ''Note: After a conversation with Intern Walker about coffee, where I seemed to be harsher than I anticipated, I've decided to try and create a coffee generator as a recompense. -Laskenta''\ |
| 2112 | \ |
| 2113 | '''Input:''' One filled mug; One coffee machine\ |
| 2114 | '''Setting:''' Very fine\ |
| 2115 | '''Output:''' The mug has been welded on top of the coffee machine, [[GoneHorriblyRight and will be constantly filled to the top with coffee. If the coffee is removed without drinking it directly from the mug, it will be replaced with a sharp metal dust, as soon as it enters a human digestive system, which will result in severe abdominal pain for the drinker]]. The coffee machine will work as expected, but upon making coffee everybody within close range of the machine will feel a strong sense of guilt.\ |
| 2116 | ''Note: This will not do for the break room. I will disassemble the output. I am just happy that Very Fine didn't result in… something like 3023. -Laskenta''\ |
| 2117 | '''Addendum:''' Upon separating the mug from the coffee machine, both items grew metallic limbs and attacked everybody in sight with hot coffee. Both items were quickly disabled and incinerated by security. Result held no anomalous traits afterwards. No casualties, besides first degree burns on the hands and torso of Researcher Laskenta, who separated the items.\ |
| 2118 | ''Note: I need coffee and a day off. Sorry Walker, maybe next time. -Laskenta\ |
| 2119 | Note: I told you it wouldn't work, and now look. You wasted so much perfectly good coffee. And we need a new coffee machine. - Walker\ |
| 2120 | Note: The one I have in my room (brought from home) will be used as a compensation in the break room until I buy a new one. -Laskenta'' |
| 2121 | * An attempt at alchemy with 914 ends [[EpicFail the only way such an experiment could possibly go]]: |
| 2122 | -->'''Test 914-0893'''\ |
| 2123 | '''Name:''' Guest Researcher Dr. Alex [=McDermott=]\ |
| 2124 | '''Date:''' 01/07/2019\ |
| 2125 | '''Total Items:''' One each of the following: Honda Silverwing scooter, 2.5kg block of lead, [[BloodMagic 256oz. jar of Dr. McDermott's blood]]\ |
| 2126 | ''Note: Dr. [=McDermott's=] request only noted the use of the scooter for this test. Additional items were stowed within the scooter and were not authorized to be brought in.''\ |
| 2127 | \ |
| 2128 | '''Input:''' The lead block and jar.\ |
| 2129 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2130 | '''Output:''' The jar, now filled with a heavy, dense, gold-colored fluid.\ |
| 2131 | ''Note: I've done it! The secrets of alchemy have at last been uncovered!''\ |
| 2132 | Note: Jar was inadvertently dropped and shattered after the test; the fluid within it then leapt straight at Dr. [=McDermott=], covering his body and entering through multiple pores and orifices, terminating him within moments. Autopsy revealed the fluid had returned to his arteries and become regular blood again; cause of death was determined to be lead poisoning across all of his organs. No further anomalous properties detected from within his remains.'' |
| 2133 | [[/folder]] |
| 2134 | |
| 2135 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 0900-0999]] |
| 2136 | * Another attempt to make coffee in 914 just leads to a series of {{Mind Screw}}s. |
| 2137 | -->'''Test 914-0901'''\ |
| 2138 | '''Name:''' Researcher Laskenta; D-46931\ |
| 2139 | '''Date:''' 22/06/2019\ |
| 2140 | '''Total Items:''' Four metal mugs, filled with black tea\ |
| 2141 | ''Note: We had many tests lately with uncommon inputs. So I will just try to make coffee. -Laskenta''\ |
| 2142 | \ |
| 2143 | '''Input:''' One mug of black tea.\ |
| 2144 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2145 | '''Output:''' One mug, filled with green tea.\ |
| 2146 | \ |
| 2147 | '''Input:''' One mug of black tea.\ |
| 2148 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2149 | '''Output:''' One metal mug, filled with water; a small cluster of tea leaves.\ |
| 2150 | ''Note: D-46931 and I checked if the dial was on Coarse. It was not. - Laskenta''\ |
| 2151 | \ |
| 2152 | '''Input:''' One mug of black tea.\ |
| 2153 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2154 | '''Output:''' One tea mug, filled with metal. Result collapsed instantly. No anomalous traits detected.\ |
| 2155 | ''Note: Output booth cleaned by myself. The metal will be used for another mug when I got time. - Laskenta''\ |
| 2156 | \ |
| 2157 | '''Input:''' One filled mug\ |
| 2158 | '''Setting:''' [[strike:1:1]] Fine\ |
| 2159 | '''Output:''' One mug, filled with [[labelnote:strike]]coffee[[/labelnote]]. The same mug with [[labelnote:strike]]another fluid[[/labelnote]]. The fluid in the mug can only be described as normal coffee, which it is. Result incinerated. The output was the same mug filled with [[labelnote:strike]]coffee[[/labelnote]]. It is [[labelnote:strike]]coffee[[/labelnote]]. The tea in the input booth was not [[labelnote:strike]]put into 914 without[[/labelnote]] change[[labelnote:strike]]ing it beforehan[[/labelnote]]d.\ |
| 2160 | ''Note: I slipped on a bit of tea that I missed and accidentally turned the dial to Fine. Not describing the [[labelnote:strike]]coffee[[/labelnote]] and then using the words, was the only way to describe it. I will get myself a coffee without effects that imitate me.[[note]]SCP-426[[/note]] -Laskenta'' |
| 2161 | * This could have ''very'' easily turned out worse. |
| 2162 | -->'''Test 914-0904'''\ |
| 2163 | '''Name:''' Dr. Steph, D-63924\ |
| 2164 | '''Date:''' 05/07/2019\ |
| 2165 | '''Total Items:''' One copy of Nintendo's "VideoGame/SuperSmashBrosUltimate."\ |
| 2166 | ''Note: Just to be safe, I'm having a D-Class personnel do the dirty work. -Dr. Steph''\ |
| 2167 | \ |
| 2168 | '''Input:''' The aforementioned item.\ |
| 2169 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2170 | '''Output:''' The inputted item, but upon opening the box, proceeded to [[LightEmUp blast the D-Class personnel with an extremely bright stream of light]], before quickly closing the box again. Item has been stored in anomalous storage. D-63924 suffered temporary blindness afterwards, but did not suffer any permanent injuries. |
| 2171 | * Communicating with 914 is not easy: |
| 2172 | -->'''Test 914-0908'''\ |
| 2173 | '''Name:''' Researcher Jay\ |
| 2174 | '''Date:''' 05/07/2019\ |
| 2175 | '''Total Items:''' Five 32 GB USB drives, each containing a single empty text document titled "SCP-914's Hopes and Dreams"\ |
| 2176 | \ |
| 2177 | '''Input:''' One USB drive\ |
| 2178 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 2179 | '''Output:''' One USB drive. Disintegrated upon opening of the output booth.\ |
| 2180 | \ |
| 2181 | '''Input:''' One USB drive\ |
| 2182 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 2183 | '''Output:''' The text document is now titled "Jay ███████'s Hopes and Dreams."\ |
| 2184 | \ |
| 2185 | '''Input:''' One USB drive\ |
| 2186 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2187 | '''Output:''' Two small pills with "914 Brand Pain" carved into it made out of metal and plastic. No anomalous effects.\ |
| 2188 | \ |
| 2189 | '''Input:''' One USB drive\ |
| 2190 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2191 | '''Output:''' The document is now titled "914 Brand Dreams." The text file is presumed to contain a cognitohazardous symbol that causes viewers to enter REM sleep.\ |
| 2192 | \ |
| 2193 | '''Input:''' One USB drive\ |
| 2194 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2195 | '''Output:''' The document is now titled "914 Brand Hops." The text file contains a cognitohazardous image that causes effects of intoxication in viewers lasting up to six hours. |
| 2196 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0909[[/labelnote]] Professor Wren decides to test a trio of ''Franchise/{{Transformers}}'' flash drives, each with a copy of [[WesternAnimation/TheTransformersTheMovie the original movie]], that look like the character Ravage. The 1:1 and "Fine" tests only affect the flash drive's contents, [[TemptingFate causing Wren to hope that the next test is similarly pleasant]]. The "Very Fine" setting results in Ravage coming to life, attacking the D-class personnel, and attempting to breach containment... [[CurbStompBattle except it's still the size of a flash drive, so it's quickly thwarted and destroyed]]. |
| 2197 | -->''Still, as horrifying as the thought of creating a real-life Decepticon is, it was almost adorable watching it [[ImpossibleTask trying to dig through a door that had about 8,000x its mass]]. -Prof. Wren'' |
| 2198 | * Wait, what even happened here? |
| 2199 | -->'''Test 914-0910'''\ |
| 2200 | '''Name:''' Doctor Mayo, D-46931\ |
| 2201 | '''Date:''' 08/07/2019\ |
| 2202 | '''Total Items:''' Five wooden statuettes of Keanu Reeves.\ |
| 2203 | ''Note: I've been into whittling for a while and decided with all the recent love for Keanu, I'd have my hand at making some statuettes of him. I have three spare if anyone would like one. - Doctor Mayo''\ |
| 2204 | \ |
| 2205 | '''Input:''' One statuette.\ |
| 2206 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 2207 | '''Output:''' Ash in the shape of Keanu Reeves' face spread on the bottom of the output booth.\ |
| 2208 | \ |
| 2209 | '''Input:''' One statuette.\ |
| 2210 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 2211 | '''Output:''' The statuette has been converted into a wooden action figure of Keanu Reeves and dismantled. The parts were laid out from left to right as; one head, one torso, two arms, and two legs. The joints have been rounded to balls and sockets which fit snugly when reassembled.\ |
| 2212 | \ |
| 2213 | '''Input:''' One statuette.\ |
| 2214 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2215 | '''Output:''' A statuette of Doctor Veritas. The facial expression is stern and stands with arms crossed.\ |
| 2216 | ''Note: The craftsmanship on this is not half bad, actually. It really brings out the fierce look in his eyes. - Doctor Mayo''\ |
| 2217 | \ |
| 2218 | '''Input:''' One statuette.\ |
| 2219 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2220 | '''Output:''' A statuette of an unidentified mountain range. An anomalous affect of a cool breeze is experienced when observing the statuette. All who feel the breeze immediately feel calm and collected.\ |
| 2221 | \ |
| 2222 | '''Input:''' One statuette.\ |
| 2223 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2224 | '''Output:''' [[strike:No change noted to the statuette when the output booth was opened by D-46931]] The statuette walked to the edge of the booth and whispered something to D-46931, who immediately collapsed. An autopsy on D-46931 found that the cause of death was asphyxiation with no physical cause identified.[[labelnote:*]]Perhaps it said, "[[VideoGame/Cyberpunk2077 You're breathtaking!]]"[[/labelnote]] The output has been incinerated. |
| 2225 | * While Test #0920 is mostly heartwarming and tearjerking, the exchange between Veritas and Hackett at the end kind of ruins the moment. |
| 2226 | -->''Note: We're using my testing area for grief counseling now? - Veritas\ |
| 2227 | Note: Give me this one exception, Lucius. - Dr. Hackett\ |
| 2228 | Note: Fine, Dr. Hackett, but normal therapy for your friends next time. - Veritas\ |
| 2229 | Note: Appreciate it. - Hackett'' |
| 2230 | * Apparently, the staff has ''not'' learned from Wren and Wakowski's experiment. |
| 2231 | -->'''Test 914-0938'''\ |
| 2232 | '''Name:''' Doctor Mayo, D-39274\ |
| 2233 | '''Date:''' 23/07/2019\ |
| 2234 | '''Total Items:''' One bottle of [REDACTED] brand glass and steel cleaner, one bottle of [REDACTED] screen cleaner and one can of [REDACTED] brand compressed air.\ |
| 2235 | ''Note: All of my previous tests have been fairly structured with a set of identical inputs on all five settings. I'm specifically going for very fine upgrades of typical cleaning products to see if 914 will do what it has in the past and produce useful outputs. - Doctor Mayo''\ |
| 2236 | \ |
| 2237 | '''Input:''' One bottle of [REDACTED] brand glass and steel cleaner\ |
| 2238 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2239 | '''Output:''' One bottle of "914 brand clear view glass and steel cleaner". The output when used will cause any steel/metallic surfaces to become completely reflective as though observing a mirror.\ |
| 2240 | When used on glass, it causes the glass to be completely transparent. Any attempt to sully the surfaces of the affected materials is met with failure [[AttackReflector and is immediately reflected upon the user]]. The bottle and the liquid has been disposed of.\ |
| 2241 | ''Note: When D-39274 attempted to use a permanent marker on the glass, after a few minutes of using various markers, turned to face me with their front and face completely covered in overlapping lines and drawings. I was planning to have them attempt to break the glass and cut the steel slips, but as it would most likely result in the death of D-39274 before the experiments are concluded, I will come back once the testing is completed. - Doctor Mayo''\ |
| 2242 | \ |
| 2243 | ''Note: I will be skipping the test with the screen cleaner, as I only have Foundation monitors to test with, to avoid any possible damage to the equipment, as I think it may provide a similar output to the glass cleaner. - Doctor Mayo''\ |
| 2244 | \ |
| 2245 | '''Input:''' One can of [REDACTED] brand compressed air\ |
| 2246 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2247 | '''Output:''' One "914 brand air cannon". The can reads: "A cannon in a can, air the nozzle at the offending dirt and [[BlownAcrossTheRoom watch it be blown away]]" The plastic straw used for the normal airflow has been shortened and widened to 5cm in diameter. The testing area was cleared apart from D-39274, who was instructed to fire at a target set up across the room. When D-39274 fired, they were visibly blown backwards and the air pressure in the room was recorded at 12.79 PSI. When the can was retrieved from the remains of D-39274, it was found to still be weighted as though it could be used more than once. The can has been put into secure storage and the maintenance team are working to remove the embedded target fragments from the wall.\ |
| 2248 | ''Note: As the final test resulted in the death of D-39274, I will not be completing the test of destroying the glass and steel slips used in the first set of testing, and placing them into anomalous storage. - Doctor Mayo'' |
| 2249 | * Darby isn't even testing anything, and ''still'' manages to cause chaos. |
| 2250 | -->'''Test 914-0941'''\ |
| 2251 | '''Name:''' Researcher Dan\ |
| 2252 | '''Date:''' 23/07/2019\ |
| 2253 | '''Total Items:''' One airline ticket for Researcher Dan to Hawaii, seven blank airline tickets\ |
| 2254 | ''Note: [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial This is not duplication for personal gain]], it's merely a work field trip for the broke. - Researcher Dan''\ |
| 2255 | \ |
| 2256 | '''Input:''' Above\ |
| 2257 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2258 | '''Output:''' Several small economy airline tickets from Site ██ for Researcher Darby. When Researcher Dan attempted retrieval, they folded into paper airplanes reminiscent to C-130s and attempted to escape containment. Four were captured by staff, two were shot by onsite weapons, namely the H20-9000, and one escaped retrieval by entering the air vents and has presumably escaped. |
| 2259 | * 914 tries its hand at sports: |
| 2260 | -->'''Test 914-0952'''\ |
| 2261 | '''Name:''' Researcher Laskenta; D-40049\ |
| 2262 | '''Date:''' 09/08/2019\ |
| 2263 | '''Total Items:''' Four table tennis bats; Two table tennis balls\ |
| 2264 | ''Note: Junior Researcher Kai and I were talking about table tennis and the physical performance of its players the other day, hence the input of this test. -Laskenta''\ |
| 2265 | \ |
| 2266 | '''Input:''' Two table tennis bats; One table tennis ball\ |
| 2267 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2268 | '''Output:''' A figure representing a plump generic Chiroptera (bat) mostly made out of wood with chunks of celluloid.\ |
| 2269 | ''Note: If one instance of SCP-504 were to be placed between me, the last test result, and SCP-914, could it even choose? -Laskenta''\ |
| 2270 | \ |
| 2271 | '''Input:''' Two table tennis bats; One table tennis ball\ |
| 2272 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2273 | '''Output:''' The same two bats, small missing pieces of red paint. The ball has been coloured with the paint of the bats to represent a tomato. Upon opening the output chamber, all items slowly floated to the center of the room to start a match of table tennis. The ball ricocheted between the bats and where a ping-pong table would have stood; the bats flew around as if they were held by two humanoid players with unnaturally high speed, strength, and constitution. The speed of the ball reached a peak of ~245km/h. After 46 minutes and 33 seconds, the match ended [[CameraAbuse with the ball being shot in the direction of the security camera with a speed of ~220km/h]]. This resulted in the total destruction of the ball and the armoured camera. The bats fell directly to the ground after the ball was destroyed. Results held no anomalous features afterwards.\ |
| 2274 | ''Note to Dr. Veritas: My last pay check and the bill, which already went through accounting, lies on your desk at top of the second "Accidents" pile. -Laskenta'' |
| 2275 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0954[[/labelnote]] Bohemian Rhapsody gets taken up a notch. |
| 2276 | -->'''Input:''' The third album, Queen's ''A Night At The Opera''.\ |
| 2277 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2278 | '''Output:''' Seemingly unchanged album of ''A Night At The Opera'' with the anomalous effect of causing anyone within a 7-meter radius to repeatedly ram their heads on the closest surface during ''Bohemian Rhapsody'''s hard rock section. Researchers within its radius began to complain about sore necks and headaches.\ |
| 2279 | ''Note: I almost threw up after writing this. I don't know whether to incinerate this or keep it to prank people, but I am NEVER doing that again when I'm within this thing's radius. - Assistant Researcher Takahashi\ |
| 2280 | Note: I was passing through the hallway when I heard Bohemian Rhapsody and decided to sing along. Then, I got the worst case of whiplash the medical team has ever seen throughout their tenure at this Facility. If I ever get my hands on that vinyl when I'm back from medical leave in a week, [[CoolAndUnusualPunishment I will give your room an SCP classification with that played on]] '''[[CoolAndUnusualPunishment loop]]'''. - Junior Researcher Kai'' |
| 2281 | * "Terrible testing idea" is probably an understatement: |
| 2282 | -->'''Test 914-0957'''\ |
| 2283 | '''Name:''' Dr. Steph\ |
| 2284 | '''Date:''' 16/08/2019\ |
| 2285 | '''Total Items:''' One cardboard box, 30cm long, 20cm wide, and 25cm high, with a note attached that reads "Schrödinger's cat."\ |
| 2286 | \ |
| 2287 | '''Input:''' The aformentioned items\ |
| 2288 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2289 | '''Output:''' A cardboard origami cat, with the same mass as the inserted box. Note is crumpled up next to the cat. When picked up, it has a 50% chance of instantly killing the person who touched it via cardiac arrest. The cardboard cat killed two guards, but left Dr. Steph alive. Item was collected by D-Class personnel and later incinerated.\ |
| 2290 | ''Note: Dr. Steph is temporarily suspended for gross incompetence, and has 14 days to think about what constitutes as a terrible testing idea. - Veritas.'' |
| 2291 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]0961[[/labelnote]] This serves as a reminder that the [[CannonFodder D-Class personnel]] tend to be TooDumbToLive, even ''without'' being prodded into lethal situations at gunpoint: |
| 2292 | -->'''Input:''' One trident\ |
| 2293 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2294 | '''Output:''' One trident, capable of absorbing minute amounts of bioelectricity within the body and redirecting it as static electricity between the spikes\ |
| 2295 | \ |
| 2296 | ''Note: One of the D-class who tested it tried to use too much of his own bioelectricity [[LeeroyJenkins in an attempt to charge and attack the security personnel]] before suffering from cardiac arrest. This serves as a reminder that your heartbeat is partially controlled by bioelectricity. - Junior Researcher Kai'' [[note]]Even if the D-Class ''didn't'' [[SelfDisposingVillain kill himself by ruining his metabolic integrity]], he was still trying to use ''[[NeverBringAKnifeToAGunFight a melee weapon]]'' [[NeverBringAKnifeToAGunFight to attack]] ''[[NeverBringAKnifeToAGunFight people armed with guns]]'' and trained to use them to lethally dispatch belligerent entities without already being right next to them. In other words, [[EpicFail he would have been shot to death without achieving anything.]][[/note]] |
| 2297 | * 914 tries to write erotic SelfInsert fiction. Hilarity ensues (along with copious amounts of BrainBleach). |
| 2298 | -->'''Test 914-0964'''\ |
| 2299 | '''Name:''' Intern Walker\ |
| 2300 | '''Date:''' 20/08/2019\ |
| 2301 | '''Total Items:''' Three copies of SCP-914's file\ |
| 2302 | \ |
| 2303 | '''Input:''' SCP-914's File\ |
| 2304 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2305 | '''Output:''' A file describing one 'Clockwork-chan'\ |
| 2306 | The file describes a tall, Caucasian female with orange hair and red eyes. She has no booths, instead her mouth [DATA EXPUNGED]. She is described as being snarky, and playing pranks on the researchers that operate her. She is described to have a crush on Maintenance Technician Johnson, and enjoys torturing Researcher Darby, perhaps out of spite. The testing logs seem to have remained the same, save for additional dialogue and [[RuleThirtyFour [DATA EXPUNGED[=]=]]]\ |
| 2307 | Furthermore, [[AllWomenAreLustful the character [DATA EXPUNGED[=]=]]]\ |
| 2308 | \ |
| 2309 | ''Tests 2 and 3 were canceled with extreme prejudice by order of Dr. Veritas, Dr. Hackett, and the Ethics Committee.''\ |
| 2310 | \ |
| 2311 | '''Notes from various personnel:'''\ |
| 2312 | \ |
| 2313 | ''Note: I just read some of the testing logs. Yes, they are similar to the real logs, but it felt like I was reading [[{{Hentai}} [REDACTED[=]=]]] instead of an official Foundation document. I think I'm going to enjoy burning this to ash. - Intern Walker\ |
| 2314 | Note: I read through some of the logs in my free time. [[BrainBleach I'll be back after getting my hands on as many amnestics as possible.]] Afterwards, I'll join Walker in burning those cursed texts. - Dr. Steph\ |
| 2315 | Note: I'll personally see to it that every trace of this is destroyed. [[LetUsNeverSpeakOfThisAgain Failure to cooperate in voluntary amnestic administration will result in termination.]] - Veritas\ |
| 2316 | Note: I've already burned it, sir. I'll gladly take an amnestic, though. - Intern Walker'' |
| 2317 | * 914 is not above engaging in {{slapstick}}: |
| 2318 | -->'''Test 914-0965'''\ |
| 2319 | '''Name:''' Junior Researcher Kai, D-90313\ |
| 2320 | '''Date:''' 22/08/2019\ |
| 2321 | '''Total Items:''' Sixteen feather dusters of █████████ brand, one note with "Be creative!" written on it\ |
| 2322 | \ |
| 2323 | '''Input:''' Sixteen feather dusters, one note\ |
| 2324 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2325 | '''Output:''' One tightly-compressed ball of feathers and one equally-sized plastic sphere\ |
| 2326 | ''Note: D-90313 picked up the ball of feathers and began laughing and shivering slightly. She later described the experience of being "tickled all over the body by feathers" while holding the ball. After picking up the plastic sphere, D-90313 yelled out loud and dropped the ball. When questioned, she claimed to have felt a "sudden hit from a cane-like object". I theorise that the two outputs are the cognitohazardous equivalents of the two non-standard functions of a feather duster — to tickle people with the feathers and to hit people with the handle. I honestly expected the spheres to explode or do something equally dangerous, not to get a tickle ball and a punish ball for children. I’m going to get some Tylenol now for the stress. On a related note, the feather ball has been donated to the break room for recreation purposes. - Junior Researcher Kai'' |
| 2327 | * More fun with amnestics. |
| 2328 | -->'''Test 914-0970'''\ |
| 2329 | '''Name:''' Junior Researcher Kai\ |
| 2330 | '''Date:''' 26/08/2019\ |
| 2331 | '''Total Items:''' Three bottles of Class-A amnestics, three bottles of Class-B amnestics, three bottles of Class-C amnestics\ |
| 2332 | ''Note: I managed to requisition the Class-C amnestics from the medical bay. Thanks, Dr. Veritas.''\ |
| 2333 | \ |
| 2334 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-A amnestic\ |
| 2335 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2336 | '''Output:''' One bottle of vodka, 55% ABV\ |
| 2337 | ''NA symbol of my thanks, Dr. Veritas. - Junior Researcher Kai''\ |
| 2338 | \ |
| 2339 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-A amnestic\ |
| 2340 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2341 | '''Output:''' One bottle of amnestic, labelled "Ordo-α". Spectrometry gave inconclusive results and testing was evaluated to be not worth the risk. Output incinerated.\ |
| 2342 | \ |
| 2343 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-A amnestic\ |
| 2344 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2345 | '''Output:''' One empty bottle, surrounded by a fine mist of amnestic of unknown composition. Junior Researcher Kai attempted to pick up the bottle but failed repeatedly to complete the action. Output retrieved mechanically and incinerated.\ |
| 2346 | ''What? I thought I was going to pick up the bottle? Why is it still in the booth? - Junior Researcher Kai''\ |
| 2347 | \ |
| 2348 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-B amnestic\ |
| 2349 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2350 | '''Output:''' One bottle of Class-Darby amnestic\ |
| 2351 | ''This seems ominous. Someone please check [[PutOnABus where Researcher Darby is currently posted]]. - Junior Researcher Kai''\ |
| 2352 | \ |
| 2353 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-B amnestic\ |
| 2354 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2355 | '''Output:''' One syringe, made of the same plastic as the bottle and filled with unchanged Class-B amnestic. When the syringe is filled with any liquid, the contents are instantly converted via anomalous means to an equal volume of a suspension of Class-B amnestic in a third of the original liquid. Output incinerated.\ |
| 2356 | ''That's useful, but not enough. I don't think the medical team can afford the time and resources to purify the amnestics obtained from it. - Junior Researcher Kai''\ |
| 2357 | \ |
| 2358 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-B amnestic\ |
| 2359 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2360 | '''Output:''' [[strike:One Class-B amnestic of bottle]] One small tablet, determined to have a cognitohazard carved on both sides that induces hallucinations of all pill-shaped objects to be perceived as bottles of Class-B amnestics. Output incinerated.\ |
| 2361 | \ |
| 2362 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-C amnestic\ |
| 2363 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2364 | '''Output:''' One bottle of vodka, 89% ABV\ |
| 2365 | ''Donated to medical bay for sterilisation purposes. - Junior Researcher Kai''\ |
| 2366 | \ |
| 2367 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-C amnestic\ |
| 2368 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2369 | '''Output:''' One [[strike:inanimate]] plastic statue. Later determined to attack any person within a four-metre radius that lies about something. Output incinerated after severe injuries [DATA EXPUNGED] personnel who shouted, "I'm not going to shoot it!" when it attempted [DATA EXPUNGED].\ |
| 2370 | \ |
| 2371 | '''Input:''' One bottle of Class-C amnestic\ |
| 2372 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2373 | '''Output:''' One torn page documenting the "Veritas Spell", found to be removed anomalously from SCP-239's "spell book". Upon discovery of this fact, both Site-19 and Site-17 were placed under lockdown and a thorough evaluation of SCP-239's containment procedures was made before it was determined to be SCP-914 that had somehow accessed Site-17's document archives. It is currently unknown how SCP-914 acquired the page, as the original "spell book" was destroyed in the aftermath [DATA EXPUNGED] and virtual access to the surviving copies is only available through the Site-17 intranet database.\ |
| 2374 | A text copy of the page is available as inserted below: |
| 2375 | --->Veritas Spell - Makes people tell the truth!\ |
| 2376 | Simply say Veritas to someone and you will make the person very sleepy and willing to tell the truth! Careful, don't abuse it. |
| 2377 | -->''No more testing with amnestics. Not in a very long time. - Junior Researcher Kai'' |
| 2378 | * Magnets and prosthetics do not mix: |
| 2379 | -->'''Test 914-0978'''\ |
| 2380 | '''Name:''' Senior Researcher Vivic\ |
| 2381 | '''Date:''' 01/09/2019\ |
| 2382 | '''Total Items:''' [[strike:Six]] One electromagnet with a strength of 1.25T\ |
| 2383 | \ |
| 2384 | '''Input:''' One electromagnet\ |
| 2385 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2386 | '''Output:''' [[strike:One unchanged magnet]] When supplied with power, the electromagnet was found to have gained additional magnetic strength anomalously and flew off the testing room floor. It appeared to be drawn only to metals used in biomechanical applications, which caused it to collide with Senior Researcher Vivic's prosthetic left arm at roughly 15m/s, causing moderate damage. The electromagnet then fell to the floor and cracked in half 5 seconds after impact, losing all anomalous and non-anomalous properties. Output incinerated.\ |
| 2387 | ''Note: That was extremely painful. No more magnets and all my other tests have been cancelled. I don't know how it went after the metal in my arm and not 914 itself, so I'll be in the medical bay. - Senior Researcher Vivic\ |
| 2388 | Note: So a researcher with a prosthetic arm was refining an electromagnet? I'm wondering when we can expect prosthetic frontal lobes, to allow researchers like this to have better decision making in the future. - Veritas'' |
| 2389 | [[/folder]] |
| 2390 | |
| 2391 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 1000-1099]] |
| 2392 | * Fun with the UsefulNotes/NintendoSwitch: |
| 2393 | -->'''Test 914-1018'''\ |
| 2394 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren\ |
| 2395 | '''Date:''' 18/09/2019\ |
| 2396 | '''Total Items:''' Three black Nintendo Switch game consoles, 3 games for said console.\ |
| 2397 | \ |
| 2398 | '''Input:''' One console with "VideoGame/SuperMarioMaker2" inserted.\ |
| 2399 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2400 | '''Output:''' One red Nintendo Switch with blue Joy-Con controllers attached, stylized to resemble the uniform worn by franchise mascot Mario. The game's data now includes a level titled "Super Cario Pros 1-1," a perfect copy of World 1-1 from the original Super Mario Bros. NES game done in the game's "dark haunted house" theme.[[note]][[BreakingTheFourthWall This level actually exists now]]: 49B-PYV-M6G[[/note]]\ |
| 2401 | ''Note: Not bad for a first time level design, 914. Love what you did with the console. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2402 | \ |
| 2403 | '''Input:''' 1 console with "VideoGame/SonicForces" inserted.\ |
| 2404 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2405 | '''Output:''' 1 blue console, marked as a "Sega Switch." Joy-Con controllers are red with a white stripe across the center, similar to the shoes of company mascot Sonic the Hedgehog. Data on the game cartridge was completely erased.\ |
| 2406 | ''Note: Well, [[TakeThat can't really say it's not an improvement]]… -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2407 | \ |
| 2408 | '''Input:''' 1 console with "VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaBreathOfTheWild" inserted.\ |
| 2409 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2410 | '''Output:''' A stylized tablet resembling the "Sheikah Slate" from the game. Functions on the tablet include a detailed map of the facility as well as a number of "rune" apps that enable the device to perform various functions. D-class testing the device was terminated upon attempting to use the "Bomb Rune" app; the blue sphere produced by the device was safely dissolved via the device without further incident.\ |
| 2411 | ''Note: Well. '''That''' just happened. Am I correct in guessing this is going straight into anomalous storage? -Prof. Wren\ |
| 2412 | Note: Very correct. - Veritas'' |
| 2413 | * Everyone is here, including the ones who absolutely shouldn't be! |
| 2414 | -->'''Test 914-1020'''\ |
| 2415 | '''Name:''' Dr. Meyer\ |
| 2416 | '''Date:''' 19/09/2019\ |
| 2417 | '''Total Items:''' One disk on key, containing “[[Film/AvengersEndgame Avengers: Endgame]]”\ |
| 2418 | \ |
| 2419 | '''Input:''' One disk on key, containing “Avengers: Endgame”.\ |
| 2420 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2421 | '''Output:''' One Nintendo Switch cartridge, containing “Super Smash Brothers Ultimate”.\ |
| 2422 | \ |
| 2423 | '''Input:''' The Switch cartridge from the above test.\ |
| 2424 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2425 | '''Output:''' One Nintendo Switch cartridge containing what seemed like the title “Super Smash Brothers: Ultimate”. When loaded, it was discovered that the fighters were replaced with [=SCPs=] and multiple Foundation personnel. Result incinerated after [[OhCrap SCP-096’s silhouette appeared in the “Challenger approaching!” screen]].\ |
| 2426 | ''Note: Man, that sucks. That game was better than the original. – Dr. Meyer'' |
| 2427 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]1030[[/labelnote]] Researcher Rare stumbles headlong into a minor '''[[{{Pun}} cat]]'''[[{{Pun}} astrophe]]: |
| 2428 | -->'''Input:''' One SD card [containing a copy of the paper “A Study of the Behavioral Differences between Anomalous and Baseline Felines,” by Samuel Rare]\ |
| 2429 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2430 | '''Output:''' A small, animate cat made of plastic and metal.\ |
| 2431 | ''Note: Interesting. Something new to study. - NT Rare''\ |
| 2432 | '''Addendum:''' The cat has been found to be capable of swapping its voice with that of a human subject. When this occurs, the cat gains the ability to speak in the subject’s voice, and [[EnslavedTongue the subject becomes incapable of making any vocalization other than meowing]]. The cat has been placed in containment until a method of undoing this can be found.\ |
| 2433 | ''Note: Meow! - Researcher Miniwa\ |
| 2434 | Note: Dr. Veritas has discovered a method of counteracting the cognitohazard. Said method involves [[DopeSlap striking the cheek of the subject forcefully]], while vocalising encouragement to "[[GetAholdOfYourselfMan snap out of it]]". While unorthodox, this method has been effective on 100% of the victims so far. - Sedna'' |
| 2435 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]1032[[/labelnote]] Testing with lightbulbs has a strange outcome: |
| 2436 | -->'''Input:''' One lightbulb\ |
| 2437 | '''Setting:''' Very fine\ |
| 2438 | '''Output:''' [[labelnote:strike]]One unchanged lightbulb.[[/labelnote]] One Lightbulb which flew to Intern Scott's head and levitates above his head through anomolous means. Appears to flash morse code which correlates to Intern Scott's current emotion. All writing by Intern Scott anomalously is changed from a informal setting to a formal setting.\ |
| 2439 | ''Note: This [[labelnote:strike]]thing[[/labelnote]] lightbulb keeps flashing SOS in morse code, [[labelnote:strike]]probably[[/labelnote]] most likely because I'm [[labelnote:strike]]freaking out right now.[[/labelnote]] currently feeling distressed in my situation. Please [[labelnote:strike]]get this damn thing off my head.[[/labelnote]] remove this lightbulb off my head. -Intern Scott'' |
| 2440 | * Anyone familiar with the term "Orgasmatron" will have already seen the outcome of this test coming: |
| 2441 | -->'''Test 914-1039'''\ |
| 2442 | '''Name:''' Assistant Researcher King\ |
| 2443 | '''Date:''' 27/09/2019\ |
| 2444 | '''Total Items:''' 3 [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasmatron_(massage_device) Happy's Head Trips]]\ |
| 2445 | \ |
| 2446 | '''Input:''' One Happy's Head Trip\ |
| 2447 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 2448 | '''Output:''' One small metal ball, one 15cm metal rod, six 10cm metal wires, six 8cm metal wires, 30g of plastic\ |
| 2449 | \ |
| 2450 | '''Input:''' One Happy's Head Trip\ |
| 2451 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2452 | '''Output:''' One metal back scratcher\ |
| 2453 | \ |
| 2454 | '''Input:''' One Happy's Head Trip\ |
| 2455 | '''Setting:''' [[strike:Fine]] Very Fine\ |
| 2456 | ''Note: [[OhCrap [EXPLETIVE REDACTED]]] and I had meant to set it to Fine, not Very Fine. This is definitely going into the incinerator. - AR King''\ |
| 2457 | '''Output:''' [DATA EXPUNGED]. Output incinerated.\ |
| 2458 | \ |
| 2459 | ''Note: {{You do not want to know}} what that was. I'm definitely going to be more careful with the selection panel from now on. - AR King'' |
| 2460 | * 914 continues to demonstrate its... ''unorthodox'' ideas: |
| 2461 | -->'''Test 914-1040'''\ |
| 2462 | '''Name:''' Researcher Miniwa\ |
| 2463 | '''Date:''' 27/09/2019\ |
| 2464 | '''Total Items:''' 10 [REDACTED] brand First Aid Kits, 10 canisters of water, 10 canisters of liquid nitrogen, 10 canisters of salt, 10 kilograms of 90% carbon coals, 10 kilograms of aluminium foil, 10 kilograms of magnesium.\ |
| 2465 | ''Note: SCP-914, what's your idea of a "first aid kit"? You have plenty of things here to work with. Make a first aid kit. And I'm not stupid, I'm having a D-class turn the key. - Researcher Miniwa\ |
| 2466 | Note: We're talking to stationary objects now? - Veritas''\ |
| 2467 | \ |
| 2468 | '''Input:''' All above items\ |
| 2469 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2470 | '''Output:''' Ten "SCP-914 First Aid Kits", from input. First Aid Kits cannot be opened, but can be cut through. Cutting through the First Aid Kits immediately causes an explosion and many gasses and liquids to flow out. Despite being labelled "First Aid Kit", it does not appear that it can be used to treat wounds of any kind. Of the ten original "SCP-914 First Aid Kits", two have been cut through (and destroyed) and the remaining eight have been placed in storage to be used for future experiments.\ |
| 2471 | ''Note: Ow. Even with protective gear on, having a metal box explode in your face still hurts. - Researcher Miniwa\ |
| 2472 | Note: Have you considered it's supposed to be absorbed into your chest after being injured like in a video game, Researcher Miniwa? - Dr. Zavalosa'' |
| 2473 | * The [[Manga/JoJosBizarreAdventure JoJokes]] practically write themselves here: |
| 2474 | -->'''Test 914-1044'''\ |
| 2475 | '''Name:''' Dr. Zavalosa\ |
| 2476 | '''Date:''' 28/09/2019\ |
| 2477 | '''Total Items:''' Anime figurine of Star Platinum\ |
| 2478 | \ |
| 2479 | '''Input:''' Above\ |
| 2480 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2481 | '''Output:''' A figurine of Dr. Veritas, [[strike:non-anomalous,]] placed in the break room\ |
| 2482 | '''Addendum:''' During the regular lunch break, Intern Snevets was on the phone with Researcher Darby, discussing [[MadeOfExplodium dioxygen difluoride]]. When Researcher Darby exclaimed to "put it in 914", loud slapping was audible as well as expletive language about "a mini Veritas [[RapidFireFisticuffs slapping the [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] out of me]]". Intern Snevets then went to the break room and found that the figurine of Dr. Veritas had disappeared. The figurine has been recovered by Dr. Zavalosa, when he exclaimed "We should put a live grenade in 914" and the figurine anomalously appeared before him and assaulted Dr. Zavalosa for approximately a minute before becoming inanimate again. Both Dr. Zavalosa and Researcher Darby reported no meaningful injuries.\ |
| 2483 | ''Note: I'd incinerate it, but I have a notion that Dr. Veritas would want to keep this figurine - Dr. Zavalosa\ |
| 2484 | Note: What would Veritas' stand even be called? Karma Police? - Researcher Connolly\ |
| 2485 | Note: I'd suggest "[[Music/WeirdAlYankovic Dare To Be Stupid]]", but Veritas seems to have the exact opposite attitude. - [[EarlyBirdCameo GJTW B██████]]'' |
| 2486 | * You know what they say about loose lips... |
| 2487 | -->'''Test 914-1045'''\ |
| 2488 | '''Name:''' Researcher Miniwa\ |
| 2489 | '''Date:''' 28/09/2019\ |
| 2490 | '''Total Items:''' Ordinary (60cm x 90cm) whiteboard\ |
| 2491 | \ |
| 2492 | '''Input:''' Ordinary (60cm x 90cm) whiteboard\ |
| 2493 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2494 | '''Output:''' [[strike:2m x 3m whiteboard, otherwise identical to input.]] [[strike:2m x 3m whiteboard which, when written on, the text written vanishes.]] 2m x 3m whiteboard. When an SCP-914 researcher speaks aloud something embarrassing in Facility 19-23, it immediately appears on the whiteboard as text. When there is no room for the next embarrassing thing said, the oldest thing vanishes and is replaced by the newest embarrassing thing.\ |
| 2495 | ''Note: Request to hang this up in the break room? - Researcher Miniwa\ |
| 2496 | Note: As it turns out, if no embarrassing thing is said for 1-5 hours, the whiteboard will take a random embarrassing thing from the past. - Researcher Festiv\ |
| 2497 | Note: My current favourites include “there’s no toilet paper”, “If an instruction tells you to put your [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] inside something, you've got the wrong manual”, and a string of expletives about Dr. Veritas. - Dr. Zavalosa\ |
| 2498 | Note: There's a chance this could cause a security breach, information leak, or breach of protocol unless it possesses an automatic redaction system. - SR Vivic\ |
| 2499 | Note: Placed in anomalous storage. - Veritas'' |
| 2500 | * Fun with motivational posters: |
| 2501 | -->'''Test 914-1050'''\ |
| 2502 | '''Name:''' Transfer Researcher Ivanoviv Alaskya\ |
| 2503 | '''Date:''' 30/09/2019\ |
| 2504 | '''Total Items:''' 401 assorted motivational posters\ |
| 2505 | ''Note: A close friend asked me to run a test for him while I was here, so I shall. - Transfer Ivanoviv''\ |
| 2506 | \ |
| 2507 | '''Input:''' 100 Motivational posters\ |
| 2508 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 2509 | '''Output:''' 100 shredded posters.\ |
| 2510 | \ |
| 2511 | '''Input:''' 100 Motivational posters\ |
| 2512 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 2513 | '''Output:''' 100 Degrading posters\ |
| 2514 | ''Note: Posters have cognitohazardous effect causing irrational anger and irritation towards others.''\ |
| 2515 | \ |
| 2516 | '''Input:''' 100 Motivational posters\ |
| 2517 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2518 | '''Output:''' [[TakeThat 100 rolls of toilet paper]]\ |
| 2519 | ''Note: I do not wish to think to deeply of this. - Transfer Ivanoviv''\ |
| 2520 | \ |
| 2521 | '''Input:''' 100 Motivational posters\ |
| 2522 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2523 | '''Output:''' 10 large Extremely Motivating posters that give viewers the enthusiasm and will to accomplish any task, even as little as fully describing an anomalous object that came out of the wonderful machine known as SCP-914.\ |
| 2524 | ''Note: After leaving sight of posters for extended periods of time, viewers suffer extreme hangovers and withdrawal symptoms due to lack of endorphins that the posters flood viewers' brains with. I personally feel like I drunk an army's worth of Vodka and then went a few rounds with Joseph Stalin. - Transfer Ivanoviv''\ |
| 2525 | \ |
| 2526 | '''Input:''' 1 Motivational poster\ |
| 2527 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2528 | '''Output:''' 1 Motivational poster with a cat hanging off a branch on it.\ |
| 2529 | ''Note: No harmful cognitohazards were found in the poster, merely an uplifting of spirits. Poster has been placed in cafeteria and has improved workplace happiness by a large amount. - Transfer Ivanoviv\ |
| 2530 | Further Note: In-depth analysis of the poster reveals a memory erasure cognitohazard targeted at specific memories; what memories have been erased can not be determined due to no-one currently at the site escaping the poster's influence. Poster has been contained in mirrored tube and sent to the cognitohazard laboratories for further study. Anomalous effect ended when poster was covered. - Security Sergeant Brandt\ |
| 2531 | Note: Poster incinerated. The absolute genius that exposed a possibly cognitohazardous object to as many people as possible had their testing licenses revoked. They will also be attending a mandatory cognitohazard safety seminar and doing the dishes for the entire cafeteria to really let this sink in. - Veritas'' |
| 2532 | * A new researcher tries to use 914 to edit some of his prior writing. |
| 2533 | -->'''Test 914-1056'''\ |
| 2534 | '''Name:''' Guest Junior Technical Writer Matthew Bradley\ |
| 2535 | '''Date:''' 09-25-2019\ |
| 2536 | '''Total items:''' 5 Transcend [=StoreJet=] portable hard drives containing the documentation of a rough plan for a fan-made sequel to the video game "VideoGame/EliteBeatAgents", with lists of songs themed around the SevenDeadlySins and SevenHeavenlyVirtues as defined by Roman Catholic theology. The documentation also contains reasoning behind the selection of each song. The songs themselves are also contained on the hard drives.\ |
| 2537 | ''Note: Hello, everyone. I'm eager to work with this machine; I've heard amazing things about it. The portable hard drives I'm testing today contain the data for a project that I've been planning for a ''long'' time. Every song has been carefully chosen, but some were more carefully chosen than others, and I feel that there's still room for improvement. Before I actually present the lists on the [[VideoGame/{{osu}} osu!]] Reddit to recruit help for developing the project, I'd like to use 914 as a sounding board to see which songs I should replace. The main goal of this exercise for this facility is to examine what 914 will do with a sequence of information arranged around a series of themes that are themselves arranged around a single fundamental theme. (Specifically, the information is music, the series of themes is the Seven Deadly Sins and Seven Heavenly Virtues, and the fundamental theme is the importance of morality to the proper function and maintenance of human society and well-being.) [[LaymansTerms To put that in more succinct terminology, I want to see what 914 will do with a multi-layered concept.]] However this turns out, I’m sure that it will be intriguing and inspiring. Heck, if I'm lucky, 914 will do most of the production work for me… it ''is'' familiar with osu!, right? -GJTW Bradley''\ |
| 2538 | \ |
| 2539 | '''Input:''' One portable hard drive.\ |
| 2540 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 2541 | '''Output:''' A smashed portable hard drive. The hard drive no longer functions.\ |
| 2542 | ''Note: I didn't expect anything different from the Rough setting. - GJTW Bradley''\ |
| 2543 | \ |
| 2544 | '''Input:''' 1 portable hard drive.\ |
| 2545 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 2546 | '''Output:''' One physically undamaged portable hard drive. Data is readable but has been rearranged randomly.\ |
| 2547 | ''Note: That's not ''quite'' what I expected, but it's still not too unusual for the Coarse setting. - GJTW Bradley''\ |
| 2548 | \ |
| 2549 | '''Input:''' One portable hard drive (not an output from the previous test).\ |
| 2550 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2551 | '''Output:''' One physically undamaged portable hard drive. All of the songs have been replaced, but each song is roughly equally well-suited to its theme as the song it replaced.\ |
| 2552 | ''Note: Huh. A lot of these were actually ideas that I had briefly considered myself. It looks like 914 can follow a multi-layered theme. But I want to hear ''new'' ideas. Also, I was perfectly happy with most of the songs. Let's try this again. - GJTW Bradley''\ |
| 2553 | \ |
| 2554 | '''Input:''' One portable hard drive (not an output from a previous test).\ |
| 2555 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2556 | '''Output:''' A pair of small plastic and metal statues — one shaped like an angel, the other shaped like a demon — that sing incessantly when a human is close enough to hear them. The angel statue appears to only sing songs associated with the Seven Heavenly Virtues, while the demon statue appears to only sing songs associated with the Seven Deadly Sins. Both statues have cognitohazardous effects — anyone who hears the angel statue sing is compelled to act virtuously, and anyone who hears the demon statue sing is compelled to act sinfully. Both statues' effects last for as long as the subject is exposed, and then continue to linger for three hours after the subject can no longer hear the statue's singing. However, if a subject is exposed to both statues at the same time or is exposed to one statue while the other's effects are lingering, the statues' effects cancel each other out. The statues were placed in anomalous storage.\ |
| 2557 | ''Note: I was hoping that this would be the test that actually gave me useful song replacements, but I forgot that 914 can do weird things on ''any'' of its settings; Very Fine just makes weird things '''more likely'''. [[ThisIsGonnaSuck I'm going ahead with the Very Fine test anyway.]] - GJTW Bradley''\ |
| 2558 | \ |
| 2559 | '''Input:''' 1 portable hard drive (not an output from a previous test).\ |
| 2560 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2561 | '''Output:''' A star-shaped plastic and metal badge that, when worn, compels the wearer to seek out an individual who is stressed and in a crisis situation and then sing and dance for them to "inspire" them to overcome the problem. The actual effectiveness of the "inspiration" is dependent on the wearer's skill at singing and dancing, which is not modified by wearing the badge. The effect ends [[strike:as soon as]] roughly six hours after the badge is removed from the wearer's person. The badge was placed in anomalous storage.\ |
| 2562 | ''Note: Well, ''that'' was embarrassing. Sorry about all the distractions. Hopefully I wasn't too much of a nuisance! - GJTW Bradley\ |
| 2563 | Note: Now that you're done dancing around the building like an idiot, I'd like to see you in my office. -Dr. Veritas'' |
| 2564 | * An attempt to produce [[WebOriginal/ProtectorsOfThePlotContinuum Bleeprin]] goes [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome exactly how you'd expect]]. |
| 2565 | -->'''Test 914-1058'''\ |
| 2566 | '''Name:''' Guest Junior Technical Writer Matthew Bradley, D-956320.\ |
| 2567 | '''Date:''' 01/10/2019\ |
| 2568 | '''Total items:''' 1 L of bleach, 2 bottles of generic aspirin each containing 50 100-mg tablets.\ |
| 2569 | \ |
| 2570 | '''Input:''' The above-listed materials.\ |
| 2571 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2572 | '''Output:''' The aspirin and bleach have been combined into a bottle of 200 100-mg tablets containing a medicine called "Bleeprin". D-956320 was instructed to consume two tablets while concentrating on a sequence of numbers. Upon D-956320 consuming the tablets, they reported having forgotten what they were told to remember. Minutes later, D-956320 quickly came down with an illness and was carted off to the medical bay. The symptoms were found to be consistent with the effects of bleach poisoning and aspirin overdose.\ |
| 2573 | ''Note: Poor guy. The idea was to create a substitute means of amnestics production. - GJTW Bradley\ |
| 2574 | Note: Leave that to the experts, please. - Dr. Sedna'' |
| 2575 | * Researcher Darby is back, and his shenanigans pick up not too far from where they left off. |
| 2576 | -->'''Test 914-1060'''\ |
| 2577 | '''Name:''' Researcher Darby\ |
| 2578 | '''Date:''' 01/10/2019\ |
| 2579 | '''Total Items:''' One airplane ticket, one brand-new suitcase, one arctic parka embroidered with the SCP Foundation logo, three changes of casual winter clothing, one paperback novel “Communications Failure”, five bags of assorted snacks, one pack of gum\ |
| 2580 | ''Note: I just got back from [REDACTED] in the Bering Sea, and for some reason they've reassigned me here. Why, you may ask? I have no clue, but reports of a cognitohazardous poster some Russian put in the cafeteria might have something to do with it.[[note]]Remember the final portion of Test #1050? The memories that got erased were memories of Darby's various screw-ups.[[/note]] - Researcher Darby\ |
| 2581 | Note: "Reassigned"? I don't remember anyone by your name conducting 914 tests. I'll check through the logs. - Researcher Rasclon\ |
| 2582 | Note: I do. I just don't remember him doing many tests. - R.A. Walker''\ |
| 2583 | \ |
| 2584 | '''Input:''' Above airplane ticket\ |
| 2585 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 2586 | '''Output:''' One crumpled paper airplane, examination shows that a standard airplane ticket is unsuitable for use as a paper airplane.\ |
| 2587 | \ |
| 2588 | '''Input:''' Above suitcase\ |
| 2589 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 2590 | '''Output:''' One suitcase that appears to have been dragged through a warzone, being covered in mud and what appear to be bullet holes. No longer usable.\ |
| 2591 | ''Note: That is not actually mud. SCP-914 took material from inside the suitcase and made it look like mud. It is, in fact, a mixture of rubber and plastic that somehow acts like a liquid. Why? Don’t ask me. [[NotThatKindOfDoctor I’m not a materials engineer, I’m a mechanical engineer.]] - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 2592 | \ |
| 2593 | '''Input:''' Above articles of clothing\ |
| 2594 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2595 | '''Output:''' One light rain-jacket with the Foundation logo emblazoned, three large cloth bags, one pile of tags and cotton.\ |
| 2596 | ''Note: That jacket looks nice, but it's a size too small for me. Maybe a smaller researcher wants it? I'll ask Wren, it looks like it would fit her. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 2597 | \ |
| 2598 | '''Input:''' Above food and gum\ |
| 2599 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2600 | '''Output:''' One plate of beautifully displayed fale food, most of the dish originates from Russia.\ |
| 2601 | ''Note: I love Russian food, but that stuff is completely unfit for human consumption. I think 914 was trying to poison me, or at least put me on the toilet. The food I put in stayed as food and would have, in fact, tasted like good Russian food, but intermingled with it was the gum that 914 had somehow poisoned and made incompatible with human biology. Lunar's mug cat liked it, so I gave the food to it when we were done with testing. - Researcher Darby''\ |
| 2602 | \ |
| 2603 | '''Input:''' Above novel\ |
| 2604 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2605 | '''Output:''' One origami flagship, appearing as described in the novel. Attempted to ram Researcher Darby, [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome but had no effect due to having no methods of propulsion and being constructed out of paper]].\ |
| 2606 | ''Note: It would appear that I managed to give 914 a set of inputs of things I want disposed of. I have deduced that while 914 is not sentient, it may have some sort of learning mentality, and it has learned that results that end in my death are desirable. [[CasualDangerDialog However, it has failed to achieve its goal due to the inputs not being suitable or in large enough quantities for its task.]] - Researcher Darby\ |
| 2607 | Note: While Researcher Darby may have survived his test today, Jeff, who has been wandering around the Facility, threw up everything he ate today on Facility Director Hackett's shoes after he ate the food produced by Darby's test. Please do not feed Jeff any of 914's outputs, thank you very much, especially after testing has revealed them to be '''poisoned'''. - Intern Lunar\ |
| 2608 | Note: I searched through the logs for tests conducted by a "Darby". Veritas, I have filed a formal request for enhanced safety measures in 914's chamber, the surrounding Facility, and the anomalous storage wing. I think I know what memories the poster targeted, and why it improved people's moods. - R. Rasclon\ |
| 2609 | Note: Oh, Christ, why did you have to tell me this? - Veritas\ |
| 2610 | Note: I've read through his tests since I don't seem to know him, his actions with 914 in particular. Given the large number of casualties stemming from his tests, this Darby should be overseen by a researcher with at least 4/914 clearance. - Dr. Cleveland'' |
| 2611 | * Kai and Vivic try to make a fursuit: |
| 2612 | -->'''Test 914-1062'''\ |
| 2613 | '''Name:''' Senior Researcher Vivic, Junior Researcher Kai\ |
| 2614 | '''Date:''' 02/10/2019\ |
| 2615 | '''Total Items:''' One pair of synthetic wolf ears, one pair of synthetic wolf paws, one synthetic wolf tail, one synthetic anthropomorphic wolf head\ |
| 2616 | ''Note: We’re going to attend the Alamo City Furry Invasion 2019 two days from now. It's a day-long road trip and we’ve left our letters for unpaid leave on Dr. Veritas’ desk. - JR Kai\ |
| 2617 | Note: We’ll be putting the items in on Fine separately for safety reasons, and also because [[AttackOfTheKillerWhatever we don’t want an anomalous wolf furry to suddenly sprout out of the output booth and try to bite our heads off]]. - SR Vivic''\ |
| 2618 | \ |
| 2619 | '''Input:''' One pair of wolf ears\ |
| 2620 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2621 | '''Output:''' One pair of wolf ears that appears unchanged, but when worn, corresponds to the mood of Senior Researcher Vivic.\ |
| 2622 | ''Note: The wolf ears apparently only works with Vivic. I’m somewhat surprised it hasn’t fused to his hair yet. - JR Kai\ |
| 2623 | Note: "Rough rough!" Get it? - SR Vivic''\ |
| 2624 | \ |
| 2625 | '''Input:''' One pair of wolf paws\ |
| 2626 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2627 | '''Output:''' One pair of wolf paws with retractable claws.\ |
| 2628 | ''Note: This reminds me suspiciously of Franchise/AssassinsCreed. - JR Kai\ |
| 2629 | Note: I love that game. I might just keep these for… scientific research. - SR Vivic\ |
| 2630 | Note: Confiscated and placed in anomalous storage. - Veritas''\ |
| 2631 | \ |
| 2632 | '''Input:''' One wolf tail\ |
| 2633 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2634 | '''Output:''' One wolf tail with a metal prong on the tip where the harness should be. Testing with D-class personnel was aborted after the prong suddenly and anomalously fused with her coccyx upon being moved to her lower back.\ |
| 2635 | \ |
| 2636 | '''Input:''' One wolf head\ |
| 2637 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2638 | '''Output:''' One apparently unchanged wolf head. Senior Researcher Vivic insisted on testing it personally; upon being worn, Junior Researcher Kai noted that Senior Researcher Vivic temporarily began behaving like an actual canine until the headpiece was removed. Post-removal, a cognitohazard was found on the inside of the headpiece that temporarily impresses the mental patterns of the common grey wolf (''Canis lupus'') onto the wearer. During removal, it was noted that a complete and anatomically correct wolf maw was seen through the mouth of the headpiece instead of Senior Researcher Vivic’s face.\ |
| 2639 | '''Addendum:''' The wolf headpiece was determined to not have stuck on Senior Researcher Vivic's head. His reaction was a purely psychological reaction to having a non-human thought pattern temporarily imprinted on him. |
| 2640 | * Fun with photos and some sort of slime: |
| 2641 | -->'''Test 914-1065'''\ |
| 2642 | '''Name:''' R.A. Walker\ |
| 2643 | '''Date:''' 02/10/2019\ |
| 2644 | '''Total Items:''' A framed picture of a few researchers, interns, and other characters from Facility 19-23, a bottle of unknown goo\ |
| 2645 | \ |
| 2646 | '''Input:''' Framed drawing of Jeff the mug cat\ |
| 2647 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2648 | '''Output:''' The following poem: |
| 2649 | --->My naym is Jeff\ |
| 2650 | I am a cat\ |
| 2651 | I hold the drink\ |
| 2652 | But it go flat\ |
| 2653 | I eat the food\ |
| 2654 | And not get fat\ |
| 2655 | I spill the tea\ |
| 2656 | All on your hat\ |
| 2657 | My naym is Jeff\ |
| 2658 | Jeff the mug cat |
| 2659 | -->''Note: ‘On your hat’? [[TemptingFate As far as I know, Jeff’s never spilled on someone’s hat.]]\ |
| 2660 | He got into my room and spilled tea on my favorite beanie. - Intern Snevets''\ |
| 2661 | \ |
| 2662 | '''Input:''' Framed picture of Dr. Zavalosa\ |
| 2663 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2664 | '''Output:''' Framed picture of Dr. Zavalosa. His legs, arms, and torso are made of metal and synthetic materials. He appears to be running from something. [[OhCrap He wears the look of someone who fears for his life.]]\ |
| 2665 | ''Note: Mmm, I don't like this one bit, please incinerate it. - Dr. Zavalosa''\ |
| 2666 | \ |
| 2667 | '''Input:''' Framed picture of R. Vivic\ |
| 2668 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2669 | '''Output:''' A framed picture of a wolf with Vivic's eyes and clothes.\ |
| 2670 | \ |
| 2671 | '''Input:''' Framed picture of R. Jane Cho\ |
| 2672 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2673 | '''Output:''' Framed picture of five cats. Items worn by three of these cats point to them being R. Cho, R. Miniwa, and Intern Lunar. Jeff and a green cat that might be Olive are present as well. They are playing in a cat tree together.\ |
| 2674 | \ |
| 2675 | '''Input:''' Framed drawing of "Olive the Peridot Cat"\ |
| 2676 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2677 | '''Output:''' Framed picture of "Perry the Olivine Cat"\ |
| 2678 | \ |
| 2679 | ''Note: I found some odd-looking goo in the corner. I cannot identify it. [[TemptingFate Perhaps SCP-914 will be of assistance.]] - R.A. Walker''\ |
| 2680 | '''Input:''' Bottle of questionable goo\ |
| 2681 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2682 | '''Output:''' A bottle labelled "94D Amnestic".\ |
| 2683 | ''Note: How the hell did I get here? I was just sprinkling some plastic on my city model. What's this bottle? I don't think it's mine. Maybe give it to Darby? - R.A. Walker''\ |
| 2684 | '''Addendum:''' R.A. Walker was placed in the infirmary to determine whether or not 94D Amnestic has any long-lasting ill effects. After three days, [[WhatWereYouThinking he was lectured about placing unidentifiable things in 914]], then returned to work. It was determined that merely possessing the bottle caused memories to be erased. The bottle was personally delivered to Darby by █████, using a drone to carry it.\ |
| 2685 | ''Note: [[TooDumbToLive Thanks for the model glue, guys.]] - Researcher Darby\ |
| 2686 | Note: Items placed in anomalous storage. Walker was assigned to mandatory hazardous material training and is required to write an essay titled: "[[LethallyStupid Is using unknown, possibly dangerous material with SCP-914 a stupid idea?]]" On my desk by Monday. - Veritas'' |
| 2687 | * 914 has never given straight answers to people's questions before, and it's not going to start now: |
| 2688 | -->'''Test 914-1067'''\ |
| 2689 | '''Name:''' Guest Junior Technical Writer Bradley\ |
| 2690 | '''Date:''' 03/10/2019\ |
| 2691 | '''Total Items:''' Three notes, three pencils\ |
| 2692 | ''Note: I have a lot of tiny pencils that I can hardly use anymore… might as well have 914 use them up. - GJTW Bradley''\ |
| 2693 | \ |
| 2694 | '''Input:''' One note reading "Why are you so hostile to Darby?", 1 pencil\ |
| 2695 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2696 | '''Output:''' A note with [[ItAmusedMe a laughing-face emoticon]] in the middle of a concentric series of rings resembling the WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes logo.\ |
| 2697 | ''Note: So… it's saying that torturing Darby is funny? In other words, [[ButtMonkey Darby is a designated slapstick victim?]] I thought {{slapstick}} was supposed to ''not'' cause serious injury. - GJTW Bradley''\ |
| 2698 | \ |
| 2699 | '''Input:''' One note reading "Why are you so friendly to MT Johnson?", one pencil\ |
| 2700 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2701 | '''Output:''' A note with a crude sketch of MT Johnson and [[CallBack a tall, vaguely mechanical-looking Caucasian female]] engaging in [[RuleThirtyFour [DATA EXPUNGED]]].\ |
| 2702 | ''Note: [[BrainBleach I did]] ''[[BrainBleach not]]'' [[BrainBleach need to see that.]] - GJTW Bradley''\ |
| 2703 | \ |
| 2704 | '''Input:''' One note reading "How exactly do you function, 914?", 1 pencil\ |
| 2705 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2706 | '''Output:''' A note with a diagram of an apple going into a booth and an orange coming out.\ |
| 2707 | ''Note: From what I've heard, [[MathematiciansAnswer that statement is completely accurate and completely useless]]. - GJTW Bradley'' |
| 2708 | * Fun with rubber balls, and 914's vendetta against Darby continues. |
| 2709 | -->'''Test 914-1069'''\ |
| 2710 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren\ |
| 2711 | '''Date:''' 03/10/2019\ |
| 2712 | '''Total Items:''' Five 13g rubber balls\ |
| 2713 | \ |
| 2714 | '''Input:''' A ball.\ |
| 2715 | '''Setting:''' Rough\ |
| 2716 | '''Output:''' 13g of shredded rubber.\ |
| 2717 | \ |
| 2718 | '''Input:''' A ball.\ |
| 2719 | '''Setting:''' Coarse\ |
| 2720 | '''Output:''' The same ball, unchanged.\ |
| 2721 | ''Note: Huh. Well, I guess it's already about as sorted as it could get, so…okay? -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2722 | \ |
| 2723 | '''Input:''' A rubber ball.\ |
| 2724 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2725 | '''Output:''' A rubber ball with near-zero elasticity; impact with anything more viscous than air causes it to come to a complete halt and drop to the ground.\ |
| 2726 | ''Note: Brought in a second D-class for a quick test, had the first one whip this at the second one as hard as he could. Apparently even arm hairs can bring it to a dead stop; second D-class never even noticed it touch him. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2727 | \ |
| 2728 | '''Input:''' A ball.\ |
| 2729 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2730 | '''Output:''' 13 1g rubber balls. Each ball has improved collision elasticity to where they retain over 99.999% of their kinetic force when bouncing off of a surface other than each other. Contact between any of the balls causes them to lose all kinetic energy within them, accompanied by a loud "pop."\ |
| 2731 | \ |
| 2732 | '''Input:''' A ball.\ |
| 2733 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2734 | '''Output:''' A rubber ball. Upon the output booth opening, the ball flew through the air and struck a nearby wall. Object continued to bounce lightly off the same spot on the wall, maintaining constant elevation off the floor, for 7 minutes before moving in a bouncing path along the wall. Attempts to contain the object beyond closing the test chamber have failed.\ |
| 2735 | ''Note: We spent 45 minutes trying to figure out why this thing was moving the way it was, to no avail. Then I looked into where certain other personnel were at the time and I found the answer. It was bouncing off the wall directly between it and Researcher Darby, and has been locked onto his location ever since. Given the elevation it's maintaining, and Darby's luck with 914 in general, there's a good chance [[GroinAttack this thing's going for a crotch-shot]]. Whether it'll stop at one hit or just keep pelting him in the groin until the heat-death of the cosmos, however, is anyone's guess. -Prof. Wren\ |
| 2736 | Note: While I’m sure Darby deserved it somehow, there should be an effort to contain the ball before we find out. - Dr. Zavalosa\ |
| 2737 | Note: My money is on that thing being as relentless as [[WebVideo/TheHorriblySlowMurdererWithTheExtremelyInefficientWeapon the Ginosaji]]. May I suggest locking it in a steel box and bolting that to the floor? - GJTW Bradley\ |
| 2738 | Note: It’s good at avoiding being contained, perhaps trying to destroy the ball would do. - Dr. Zavalosa\ |
| 2739 | Note: Maybe we should test if the effect ends eventually? See what happens? Ah, fine, let me get Sedna. - Veritas\ |
| 2740 | Note: Researcher Darby was sent outside the facility to the parking lot. All doors in-between SCP-914's testing chamber and the main exit were opened and the ball sped towards him via the shortest route possible. Destroyed by Security Agent Sedna by .50 caliber anti-material rifle.'' |
| 2741 | * [[labelnote:Test #]]1072[[/labelnote]] Assistant Researcher King ends up being turned into a facsimile of a helicopter parent: |
| 2742 | -->'''Input:''' One mindfulness brochure\ |
| 2743 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2744 | '''Output:''' A mindfulness brochure with a memetic symbol on it. Whenever a person looks at the symbol, they suddenly become very conscious of the mental state of those around them.\ |
| 2745 | ''Note: Are you sure that you’re okay? There are a lot of strange things happening in this place. Tell me if you need help, okay? - AR King\ |
| 2746 | Note: Go away. - Veritas'' |
| 2747 | * Enhancing a first-aid kit doesn't go as planned: |
| 2748 | -->'''Test 914-1073'''\ |
| 2749 | '''Name:''' Researcher Miniwa\ |
| 2750 | '''Date:''' 02/10/2019\ |
| 2751 | '''Total items:''' One 914 first aid kit, from test 914-1040. 3 kilograms of Phosphorus sesquisulfide ([=P4S3=]), in an airtight container with no oxygen (to prevent ignition). Ten-kilogram canister with the first 5 noble gasses (Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon).\ |
| 2752 | ''Note: Random stuff. How does the 914-health pack change? - Researcher Miniwa''\ |
| 2753 | \ |
| 2754 | '''Input:''' Above items.\ |
| 2755 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2756 | '''Output:''' Health pack, labelled "Fire Lord's 914th health pack". Placed in anomalous storage, encased in fireproof material in case it detonates.\ |
| 2757 | ''Note: Phosphorus sesquisulfide was picked for its commercial use. Further research shows it's used for matches, aka used for fire. Noble gasses. Noble. Like "one step below royal", like "Lord". [[LamePunReaction Bad puns, 914. Bad puns.]] - Researcher Miniwa'' |
| 2758 | * An attempt at TimeTravel leads to MindScrew: |
| 2759 | -->'''Test 914-1074'''\ |
| 2760 | '''Name:''' Senior Researcher Vivic\ |
| 2761 | '''Date:''' 01410/2019\ |
| 2762 | '''Total Items:''' One Kant counter, one HTC Vive, 1kg of beryllium bronze\ |
| 2763 | ''Note: I'm hoping to get a device that will allow me to travel back in time to slap myself for an embarrassing action I made previously. - SR Vivic''\ |
| 2764 | \ |
| 2765 | '''Input:''' Above items\ |
| 2766 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2767 | '''Output:''' A device with a simplistic design. It appears to be a head-mounted device, similar to the VR headset inputted. It also possesses multiple additional physical features, but the object is subject to an antimemetic effect and cannot be described further. When the device is worn, the wearer's consciousness is transported approximately 30 seconds into the past, inhabiting their past body. Actions taken during this period overwrite contradictory past actions. Those who have previously worn the device are made aware of changes, but not their nature or extent. After removal, subjects report a temporary feeling of nausea. Object lost during transport to incinerator.\ |
| 2768 | ''Note: Apparently, no one remembers the existence of this object except for me because of my natural resistance to antimemetics. However, I underestimated how strong its effects were and lost it after I dropped it on the way to the incinerator. If anyone kicks something so weird that you just can't seem to describe it on the floor, tell me immediately. This presents a serious continuity problem because a lot can happen in 30 seconds. - Junior Researcher Kai'' |
| 2769 | * 914 is a PungeonMaster. |
| 2770 | -->'''Test 914-1082'''\ |
| 2771 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren\ |
| 2772 | '''Date:''' 05/10/2019\ |
| 2773 | '''Total Items:''' Four saxophones of varying ranges/sizes (one each soprano, alto, tenor, and baritone).\ |
| 2774 | ''Note: As much as I love the sound of a good sax, this is one instrument I actually can't play. Kind of embarrassing, given how easily I've picked up some of 914's musical creations in the past. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2775 | \ |
| 2776 | '''Input:''' The soprano sax.\ |
| 2777 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2778 | '''Output:''' A brass figurine of a man at a diner-style table. When looked at, the viewer hears the song "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey played for roughly 40 seconds before it abruptly cuts off.\ |
| 2779 | ''Note: I was halfway into getting the next test going when I realized this was a reference to the ending of that show, Series/TheSopranos. Very cute, 914. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2780 | \ |
| 2781 | '''Input:''' The alto sax.\ |
| 2782 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2783 | '''Output:''' A large brass abacus. The abacus has 12 rows of brass beads with 6 beads per row. The outer frame has wood inlay decorating it, presumably formed from the saxophone's reed.\ |
| 2784 | ''Note: Beautiful, but unless we suddenly have to calculate stuff in base-7, this is kinda useless. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2785 | \ |
| 2786 | '''Input:''' The tenor sax.\ |
| 2787 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2788 | '''Output:''' Ten small brass-fiber bags with handles formed from the reed, each containing one small brass boating paddle.\ |
| 2789 | ''Note: Okay, this just makes no sense. Moving on. -Prof. Wren\ |
| 2790 | Note: Final test was temporarily suspended when Prof. Wren [[LamePunReaction let out a loud groan]].\ |
| 2791 | Note: Oh, for the love of God… It turned the "tenor sax" into "ten oar sacks." '''Uuuugh!''' -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2792 | \ |
| 2793 | '''Input:''' The baritone sax.\ |
| 2794 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2795 | '''Output:''' A long, narrow brass halberd. The entire weapon is hollow with an opening at the bottom. The upper portion of the handle is lined with a series of holes. The back of the halberd head consists of the reed and mouthpiece. The remaining portions of the halberd head have been confirmed not to be sharp, rendering it useless as an actual weapon.\ |
| 2796 | ''Note: The whole thing plays a bit like an oversized flute. It's a bit odd to hold, but I have to admit, the sound quality is pretty nice. Permission to add this to my music collection, Dr. Veritas? -Prof. Wren\ |
| 2797 | Note: [[{{Pun}} Just be sure to practice safe sax]]. - R.A. Walker\ |
| 2798 | Note: Walker, any more puns and you're on cleanup duty, out of the testing area now. Keep the instrument, Wren. - Veritas'' |
| 2799 | [[/folder]] |
| 2800 | |
| 2801 | [[folder:Experiment Logs 1100-1199]] |
| 2802 | ->'''Test 914-1119'''\ |
| 2803 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren\ |
| 2804 | '''Input:''' One box set, full series of Game of Thrones.\ |
| 2805 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2806 | '''Output:''' One box set, full series of Game of Thrones (Family Friendly Edition). Analysis of the discs shows each episode has been altered to remove all instances of violence, nudity, vulgarity, and sexual acts; entirety of contents located on first disc. Remaining discs and 94% of first disc are devoid of data. Total run time clocked at 43 minutes, 19 seconds.\ |
| 2807 | ''Note: Frankly, I'm surprised there was that much PG-rated content. -Prof. Wren'' |
| 2808 | * Fun with tarot cards: |
| 2809 | -->'''Test 914-1124'''\ |
| 2810 | '''Name:''' Prof. Wren\ |
| 2811 | '''Date:''' 18/10/2019\ |
| 2812 | '''Total Items:''' Three decks of tarot cards\ |
| 2813 | ''Note: Partially for fun, partially to see if 914's skill at reading the future through tarot is any more accurate than a human's. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2814 | '''Input:''' One deck.\ |
| 2815 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2816 | '''Output:''' A deck of SCP-themed tarot cards, with 4 cards laid out in a row as follows:\ |
| 2817 | -The Hanged Man, inverted (represented by SCP-173)\ |
| 2818 | -The Tower (represented by a view of Site-24)\ |
| 2819 | -Death (represented by SCP-682)\ |
| 2820 | -The Three of Cups, inverted (represented by [[RunningGag Dr. King surrounded by three cups filled with apple seeds]])\ |
| 2821 | ''Note: This is a somewhat ominous forecast, pertaining to someone making a decision that results in death and destruction. I place good odds on it being Darby's next test. -Prof. Wren''\ |
| 2822 | \ |
| 2823 | '''Input:''' One deck.\ |
| 2824 | '''Setting:''' Fine\ |
| 2825 | '''Output:''' A 40-card deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards themed around the "Arcana Force" archetype, including 13 monster cards and 9 spell cards that do not presently exist in the card game or anime series. Effects of the new cards appear to be based on the abilities of their corresponding "Stands" from the anime series Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Stardust Crusaders.\ |
| 2826 | ''Note: Did some playtesting with it after it cleared anomaly screening. Despite the new additions and the potential one-turn-kill through Arcana Force XVII - THE STAR's multiple-attack ability, the deck's still garbage. 2/10 would not play again. -Prof. Wren\ |
| 2827 | Addendum: Also, a bit of trivia for everyone. This is one [=JoJo=] reference that actually makes sense: in the Japanese version of the Yu-Gi-Oh GX anime, the character who used the Arcana Force cards was voiced by the same guy who voiced Dio, and one of his best monsters, Arcana Force XXI - THE WORLD, has an ability that skips your opponent's next turn. -Prof. Wren\ |
| 2828 | Note: Thanks for the seeing insight, Wren. [[SarcasmMode Don't know how I could get by before knowing this.]] - Veritas''\ |
| 2829 | \ |
| 2830 | '''Input:''' One deck.\ |
| 2831 | '''Setting:''' Very Fine\ |
| 2832 | '''Output:''' A tablet made out of compressed paper stock. Atop the tablet is a translucent sphere made out of the laminate used on the cards. An anomalous property has been found where holding the tablet and asking a question will cause them to see a vision pertaining to the answer within the sphere. Answers given have been determined to be 100% accurate, [[LiteralGenie although the vagueness of the answer is proportional to the vagueness of the question.]]\ |
| 2833 | ''Note: While the potential for answering things like how we can kill 682 is promising, I must insist we restrict use of this. And not just because it gave a perfectly clear answer when I asked it what I look like naked. Side note: I catch anyone else asking that question, [[GroinAttack I will be giving a lesson in the meaning of the word "eunuch."]] -Prof. Wren'' |
| 2834 | * Another test with cards: |
| 2835 | -->'''Test 914-1167'''\ |
| 2836 | '''Name:''' Assistant Researcher King\ |
| 2837 | '''Date:''' 29/10/2019\ |
| 2838 | '''Input:''' 1 set of ''Cards Against Humanity''\ |
| 2839 | '''Setting:''' 1:1\ |
| 2840 | '''Output:''' A set of cards labelled ''Cards Against Anomalies''.\ |
| 2841 | ''Note: The set includes iconic cards like: "the Foundation is _", "173's massive stool", "096's beautiful face", "The only known way to terminate SCP-682 is ___" and “what caused the containment break this time?” - AR King'' |
| 2842 | [[/folder]] |
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