Line #67 Funny/KingdomOfLoathing


1	Being an AffectionateParody of MMORPGS in general, VideoGame/KingdomOfLoathing is bound to have some of these.
2	* The [[JokeItem Defective Skull]], a parody of the EnemyScan item called the Detective Skull, has numerous useless "deductions" that are nonetheless quite entertaining. Some of them include:
3	** "I deduce that [[Webcomic/PennyArcade candy is delicious.]]"
4	** "I deduce that this monster has approximately [[EleventyZillion eleventy-seven hojillion]] hit points."
5	** "I deduce that [[IBangedYourMom I satisfied your mother last night.]]"
6	** "I deduce that if you bet all of your Meat at the [[BettingMiniGame MMG]] right now, you will totally win. Seriously."
7	** "I deduce that this monster is a much better dancer than you."
8	** "I deduce that this monster is left-handed."
9	** "I deduce that this monster is much more attractive than you."
10	** "I deduce that this monster is much smarter than you."
11	** "I deduce that this monster is one jive turkey."
12	** "I deduce that this monster is totally going to kick your ass."
13	** "I deduce that [[ExpospeakGag this monster's dilemmas number four score and nineteen]], [[Music/JayZ yet none is feminine in origin.]]"
14	** "I deduce that this monster's name is [[Film/TheRockyHorrorPictureShow Frank, or possibly Brad.]]"
15	** "I deduce that I make [[SelfImposedChallenge hardcore]] easier."
16	* The fight against Ed The Undying gets funnier and funnier as you continue fighting him. By the end, your PlayerCharacter has ''severed his torso'' and he is ''[[{{Determinator}} still crawling at you with one arm left.]]'' The whole thing is reminiscent of The Black Knight scene from Film/MontyPythonAndTheHolyGrail.
17	--> "You're making me feel guilty, Ed. Knock it off!"\
18	"UNDYING!"\
19	''sigh''
20	* During the Pastamancer Nemesis quest, there's [[Website/FourChan a guy in a]] [[ComicBook/VForVendetta V for Vivala mask]] holding up a sign saying [[ShapedLikeItself "The Spaghetti Cult is a Cult!"]]
21	** "And it sucks!"
22	* Beyond the Looking Glass is a zone full of references to ''Literature/AliceInWonderland''. At the Tea Party, it has the foods with "Eat Me" written on them, and the following quote takes it to the extreme: ''"He pulls out a plate of pastries, each with a familiar type of masochistic command written on it. A few say "Eat Me," some say "Drink Me," and one particularly off-putting one says '[[BreadEggsMilkSquick Call Me a Dirty Slut]].'"''
23	** There are also some cupcakes that say "eat me" on them as items. This leads to hilarious snark in their item descriptions, like wondering if it's okay to take orders from suicidal cupcakes, and reason that, without the instructions, someone would shove the cupcake up their nose.
24	* The entire game is filled with strange, quirky, and above all else, hilarious humor, but the Bad Moon adventures take the cake for the sheer punishment your character goes through. [[http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/index.php/This_Doesn%27t_Look_Like_Candy_Mountain One of the more notable ones]] is basically one big WebAnimation/CharlieTheUnicorn ShoutOut, complete with [[http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/index.php/Missing_Kidney getting your kidney stolen]] (don't worry, [[http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/index.php/Spare_kidney you can buy a "new" one later]]).
25	* There are also plenty of hilarious miss messages, including this gem from the monsters in the Slime Tube:
26	--> It tries to ooze under your toenails, but is repulsed by the smell of your feet. Congratulations, you just disgusted a living booger.
27	* Amid the barrage of pop culture references, there's also room for pure surreal humor, such as this message when you use a certain accessory as a combat item:
28	-->You look at the unicycle, and it fills you with rage.\
29	\
30	"I hate unicycles! I hate them!" you scream, as you slam it into the ground, again and again, breaking it into tiny pieces.\
31	\
32	Your opponent looks at you, taking 5905-9051 damage from the pure bewilderment of it all.
33	** ...And yes, ItMakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext.
34	* [[http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/index.php/Monster_Manuel Monster Manuel's]] enormous library of factoids includes some real gems.
35	** "Hippy jewelry makers don't use precious stones, because calling a certain type of stone precious makes the other stones feel bad."
36	** "Anemones are stationary but technically sentient, [[TakeThatUs much like most of the people who write this game.]]"
37	** "So a priest, a rabbi, and a stripper walk into a [[http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/index.php/Bar bar]], and [[ItMakesSenseInContext it eats all of them.]]"
38	** "If you grind up a beanbat and pour boiling water over it, you probably have some mental problems."
39	** "Many necromancers have been dismayed to find that they've acquired a chalkdust wraith, when what they had wanted was a cocaine wraith."
40	** "Knob Goblin Alchemists can turn any potable liquid into urine, [[ToiletHumor given enough time]]."
41	** "Male dolphins have a penis that is two feet long and curved like an S. Female dolphins don't have a penis."
42	** "The urchin urchin's mouth is located on the underside of his body, [[TakeThat like most politicians]]."
43	** "Undead hoboes are much less likely to steal a pie from your windowsill, unless it's a brain pie, in which case what the hell is wrong with you?"
44	** "Kirby dance! <(o.o<) (>o.o)> <( o.o )> (>o.o<) ^( o.o )^ v( o.o )v <( o.o )>"
45	** "The alphabet giant's favorite letters are F and U."
46	** "You shouldn't blame an axe handle for being angry. It's just trying to get ahead."
47	** It's important to note that every monster has three factoids associated with it, which leads to gems like these three from the "Black Crayon Demon"
48	*** "Black crayons in the Kingdom are dyed with squid ink. Just thought you should know."
49	*** [[SchmuckBait "Just kidding. They're actually dyed with blackberries, so they're the most delicious crayon in the box."]]
50	*** "Please tell me that you just ate a crayon. It'll make my day."
51	* Don't worry if you get too banish-happy with monsters in an area- the game still will have something for you to fight. [[http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/index.php/Tumbleweed It doesn't hesitate to mock you for it, though]].
52	* The fight against the [[http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/index.php/Golden_ring_(monster) golden ring]], from an old Crimbo event. What makes it funny is that most of damage done is self-inflicted.
53	--> You bend over to inspect the ring and stand up too fast. You get dizzy and run into a wall. \
54	You kick the gold ring across the room. It rebounds off a wall and hits you in the eye. \
55	You pick up the ring and toss it in the air. It lands in your mouth and gets lodged in your windpipe. What are the odds?
56	** That, and the miss messages involving it just lying there.
57	-->You stare at the gold ring. It lies there, doing nothing in particular. \
58	The ring attacks the crap out of you. Nah, just kidding. \
59	The ring doesn't attack you. That isn't particularly surprising.
60	** For much the same reason, the [[http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/index.php/Dense_liana Dense Liana]].
61	* Attempting to pickpocket The Guy Made of Bees rewards you with... A handful of bees. Apparently the bees were so amazed you tried something so stupid that they forgot to attack you and ended up in your inventory.
62	* Even the basics can inspire some choice giggles. ''Meat'' is the in-game currency, and the game takes the rigmarole of justifications contradicting themselves. Yes, Meat is the currency, but you don't kill any of the monsters. You just beat them up and take their stuff! But where did you get the yeti skin? The yeti was carrying it, of course!
63	** The meat currency is perfectly lampshaded by the description of a huge gold coin from a faux-video game dungeon
64	--->A gold coin the size of your face is probably the most impractical form of currency you've ever encountered. [[SelfDeprecation Oh, wait -- meat. Right.]]
65	* The "[[Music/MCHammer too legit potion]]" item, which doubles the defensive power of your pants.
66	-->Stop. Your pants are too big. Just stop.
67	* The Copperhead Club subquest (part of the ridiculously huge and circuitous MacGuffin Quest) brings a whole new meaning to jackassery. The proprietor of the club poisons you no less than ''three'' times. Not even one right after the other. He gives you an antidote each time you complete a leg of the subquest, and then tricks you into drinking poison ''again'' each time. When you switch champagne glasses to not get poisoned a second time, he reveals he poisoned his own glass. The third time, you refuse to drink from his [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial "Totally Not Poisoned"]] champagne bottle and take a drink from your personal flask instead, only for him to reveal he anticipated this and paid a pickpocket to swap your flask for a poisoned flask! The sheer ludicrousness of the guy's [[{{Troll}} jovial]] [[{{Jerkass}} asshattery]] is matched only by your character's mounting fury, culminating in you [[NoHoldsBarredBeatdown beating nine circles of hell]] out of him until he finally gives you the item you need.
68	* One optional quest has you playing the role of the WickedStepmother during Literature/{{Cinderella}}'s ball, determined to find ways to humiliate her without it looking bad on yourself. You can...
69	** Spread malicious rumours about her
70	** Frame her for stealing
71	** Drug her with booze or laudanum
72	** Trigger her allergies with carnations, and taint the soap she uses to wash up with.
73	** Make her trip while dancing
74	** Drug her with ipecac and cause her to throw up, either in her purse, a punchbowl, or right on PrinceCharming
75	** Catch a mouse, feed it soap, slip it into her purse when she's not looking, then ask to borrow a handkerchief, and when she goes to open her purse, out jumps a mouse that's ''foaming at the mouth'', causing her to freak out spectacularly
76	** Or any combination of the above. BlackComedy at its finest.
77	* The "Roll of Toilet Paper" item can be used to TP another player's campsite. If they don't have a dwelling set up at their campsite, you get this message
78	--> [Playername] hasn't got a tent or house, so you just start randomly tossing your toilet paper all over the ground where you think [they] sleeps. That was mean -- you shouldn't make fun of poor people.
79	** The "Brick" is used in the same way, thrown through a player's window to deliver a message. If they don't have a window...
80	---> [Playername] hasn't got a tent or house, so you just throw the brick at [them] when [they] aren't looking. It hits [them] in the face. That was mean -- you shouldn't make fun of poor people.
81	* The Sea Monkees quest has you rescuing members of the eponymous family from various dangers under the sea. Grandpa Sea Monkee is in a different pickle depending on your class:
82	** Muscle classes (Seal Clubbers and Turtle Tamers) find Grandpa hunting an enormous fish-beast in Anemone Mine. He manages to kill the beast, and it turns out... it ate his newspaper, which he hastily retrieves from the beast's belly.
83	** Accordion Thieves find him tinkering with a jukebox in a [[{{Pun}} Dive Bar]], which he tries to repair ala [[Series/HappyDays The Fonz]]. Unfortunately he misses and hits the glass casing, shattering it and causing the whole thing to implode. The crowd of angry patrons that starts to approach ''finally'' convinces him it's time to go home.
84	* Grandpa Sea Monkee in general is a fountain of gags. His purpose in the game is to give [[RamblingOldManMonologue lengthy stories]] that unlock content when asked about key words. When asked about "Grandma", he replies:
85	-->'''Grandpa''' No, whippersnapper, I'm ''Grandpa'' Sea Monkee. Look, if you can't tell the difference, I certainly ain't the one to teach you. Don't you have parents? Or pornography?
86	** Also on the subject of Grandma:
87	--->'''Grandpa''': Before too long, we got ourselves [[UnusualEuphemism half nelsoned]]. Wait, what do you kids call it these days? Going steady? Right. Back then, when you loved a girl, you would get down on one knee, [[BaitAndSwitch and she would get down on all fours]], [[WrestlerInAllOfUs and then you'd put her in a headlock]], and if she couldn't get out of the headlock in thirty seconds, then you were half nelsoned.
88	* The hobo selling combat items in Hobopolis plays it reasonably cool on the topic of his wares being [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial for self-defense purposes only]]...until he gets to his last item.
89	-->"And I've saved the best for last: I call it The Six-Pack of Pain."\
90	"This appears to be [[RunningGag eight]] empty beer bottles tied together on the end of a rope."\
91	"That's right. Ever [[GrievousBottleyHarm smash someone in the face with a beer bottle]]? Concussion, little bits of glass in the eyes, bleeds like crazy! Well with this, you get [[RunningGag eight times]] the bang for your buck, and the rope lets you swing it from a short distance away, so you don't have to get too close to [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial the person that's threatening your life]]."\
92	"That's pretty clever," you say, impressed.\
93	"BAM!" he says, smacking his fist into his palm for emphasis. "Right in the head! And they go down like a sack of potatoes! [[{{Dissimile}} A sack of potatoes with shards of glass in its skull and blood spraying...]]"\
94	"And this is for self-defense?"\
95	"...and they're all like [[Franchise/TheDarkTower 'Eee! My eyes! Eeee!']] What? Oh! Oh, yes, naturally, strictly for self-defense purposes only."
96	* The Spring 2015 special challenge path faced a conundrum of there being no more potential Avatars. The solution? Making it Actually Ed the Undying, as in you are playing as the EnsembleDarkhorse boss himself trying to retrieve the Holy MacGuffin. He does ''not'' disappoint.
97	* A revamp of the Naughty Sorceress Quest on New Years' 2015 seriously tweaked a quest that had previously been a serious source of GuideDangIt. It also provided some amusing new content to the game:
98	** The final boss of the Sleaziest Adventurer Contest is a polite and completely ordinary guy named Leonard... who somehow manages to completely skeeve your character out.
99	* The description for the Flamin' Whatshisname cocktail.
100	--> If you're having trouble naming something, set it on fire. That rule has never served me wrong, with the single exception of getting me thrown out of that maternity ward.
101	* The text from using the Stuffing fluffer (which can be used to bomb the battlefield durring the hippy/frat boy war) outside of wartime.
102	--> You consider pushing the button, but this thing looks like it could blow up a lot of people, and you don't really have any reason to kill a whole lot of people at once right now. Boy, what kind of a life do you have, that I had to say "right now"?
103	* During the invasion by Sssshhsssblllrrggghsssssggggrrgglsssshhssslblgl in 2017, players had to have a particular effect active in order to damage it. Many of these had at least some kind of justification, like using the game's ElementalRockPaperScissors. At one point the required effect was Crappily Disguised As A Waiter, which worked because the EldritchAbomination ''couldn't see through your disguise.''
104	* The fantasy bandit encounters are delightfully silly. He tries to put on a convincing medieval brigand act, but he keeps messing up and breaking character in amusing ways.
105	** In one encounter, the player character manages to get the jump on him and turn his bandit spiel on him.
106	--->"Your money or your life!" you yell.\
107	"Hey, that's my thing! You can't bandit me!"\
108	"Forsooth, sucker!"\
109	"Oh it's on now!"
110	** At one point, he suddenly breaks into a pirate voice, of all things.
111	--->"Avast!" the bandit teenager yells. "Prepare for a keelhauling, ye lily-livered scallywag! ...Oh nuts, that's not right."\

Context Funny / KingdomOfLoathing