Line #129 Funny/DrunkHistory


1	'''Moments pages are Administrivia/SpoilersOff. Administrivia/YouHaveBeenWarned.'''
2	----
3	* Seth Weitberg telling the story of [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Sumner Charles Sumner]]. And proceeding to go full blown HamAndCheese. While manhandling Waters on a couch.
4	* [[CoolOldGuy Phil Hendrie]] describing Daniel Inouye's [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction annoyed response to being told his right arm is gone]]: "Oh, jeez, this guy with the fuckin' arm, y' love him? I dunno, you wanna go up there and look for it, Billy?"
5	* Jen Kirkman launching into a [[http://youtu.be/PtseW4Dm_Zo?t=2m40s rambling tangent]] during her summation of Edith Wilson.
6	** "Excuse me, it's me, Congress." "Get out of here, Congress."
7	** "Congress is like 'Alright... what... ...what... ...''what'' is going on?'."
8	** "Can we come in and see the true condition?"
9	* David Wain, in a very subtle CMOF, apparently gets [[CantHoldHisLiquor ragingly drunk from a single martini.]]
10	* From "Oklahoma":
11	** [[ThisIsGonnaSuck The immediate first sign the Bass Reeves segment is going to be rough?]] Mark Gagliardi drops his shotglass mid-introduction, [[NoSell and he doesn't even react]].
12	** When Bass Reeves is telling James Fagan his skills and qualifications, he says that he's 390 pounds... prompting Reeves to [[AsideGlance look confused]].
13	*** And then, there's the capper:
14	---->'''Bass Reeves''': The only thing I can say to you, is... ({{Beat}}; [[FromBadToWorse while going to the ground]]) I'm gonna tape a- take a nap, [bleep] you.\
15	(cut to Mark Gagliardi collapsing to the ground)\
16	'''Derek Waters''': (sings) ''There he goes... On the floor...''
17	*** He spends the rest of the segment on the floor.
18	** Mark Gagliardi [[CaptainObvious gets kinda fucked up]]...
19	--->'''Creator/MarkGagliardi''': He says, "The Bash w-", hold on... "I'm gonna corner their dumb asses while they're sleepin'! I'll sleep you- I will sleep-clack you into my handcuffs, bitches! And I'm gonna grag you- I'm gonna grag you-," hold on. "I'm gonna drag your asses in jail, where I gathered up ''all'' the criminals!"\
20	'''Derek''': That's pretty badass.\
21	'''Mark''': Listen, mother[bleep], I'll tell you this whole story. [[RuleOfThree Hold on...]]
22	** Right before the commercial break, Derek goes to the floor to talk to Mark... prompting Mark to do this:
23	--->'''Mark''': ...[[HoYay I love you!]] (grabs Derek's head to try and kiss him) I love you. I'ma kiss you on the lips.
24	* From "New Mexico":
25	** While hanging out outside of her house, Fortune Feimster, she points out that, [[ThrowItIn as they were filming]], someone drove up to her house and put something in her trashcan. Derek checks it out... and discovers a Wendy's bag containing some... ''[[{{Squick}} used]]'' Wet Ones. ''How'' exactly were they used?
26	--->'''Fortune Feimster''': No respect. (to the neighborhood) This is a family neighborhood. You can't just eat Wendy's and masturbate.
27	** The fact that Derek [[http://www.avclub.com/tvclub/drunk-history-makes-you-feel-drunk-even-if-youre-n-227825 dressed himself up]] in a ''wolf suit'' in the story about Lobo and he goes all out LargeHam to play the wolf.
28	* From "Inventors":
29	** "So this inventor Alexander Graham Bell is like, 'Oh, [bleep], invent the telephone? Yes, please.'"
30	** Apparently, [[strike:JD Ryznar]] Alexander Graham Bell hocked up a loogie.
31	--->'''Derek Waters''': [[{{Squick}} And then he swallowed it.]]\
32	'''JD Ryznar''': Of course I swallow. [[JerkassHasAPoint What do you want me to do? Spit it on the floor?]]
33	** At one point, JD Ryznar ''forgets Alexander Graham Bell's name''.
34	--->'''JD Ryznar''': Anyway, what's his name, um... I don't remember his name... Ugh. What's his name? What's the other guy's na- Wilbur? No. Walt Disney? No. ({{Beat}}) Telephone.
35	** "Who uses the Alexander Graham Bell telephone anymore? Nobody! [[EverythingExceptMostThings Except old people... And poor people...]]"
36	** After Mary Phelps Jacob got married to Harry Crosby, he tried to get her to change her name to something like "C. Crosby"...
37	--->'''Harry Crosby''': I would really like it if you change your name to "Clitoris"[[note]]"Clytoris", actually[[/note]].\
38	'''Derek Waters''': (starts laughing)\
39	'''Paget Brewster''': [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer It's [bleep]ing true.]]
40	** "Wait, I have to fast forward. I also have to pee."
41	--->'''Derek''': Which one you done do first?\
42	'''Paget''': No, I have to pee.\
43	'''Derek''': Okay, well, then pee.\
44	'''Paget''': (aggressively) I'm gonna.\
45	'''Derek''': (snickers)
46	* From "Space":
47	** "If there's any lasting legacy of Wernher Von Braun, it's that he has these amazing ideas, but then he straight up [bleep] up and becomes a Nazi. (chuckles) Like, he's a complicated mother[bleep]."
48	*** Complemented with the screen briefly turning red and Creator/NathanFillion (playing Von Braun) giving the camera a evil face.
49	** Derek sneezing during a big monologue turns into a routine.
50	** "Imagine what it's like to be floating around in the '80s, except this is the '60s."
51	** "[Alexey Leonov]'s the first human being to do something."
52	** "If we land, and if we land in China, that'll be [bleep] up, because of... something that Wikipedia tells us."
53	** At one point, Kyle Kinane just straight up grabs the boom mike.
54	--->'''Derek Waters''': Oh, don't do that. Don't do that.
55	--->'''Kyle Kinane''': I know. I know how TV works.
56	*** [[BrickJoke He later yanks the cover off of it to]] [[InsaneTrollLogic talk directly into it.]]
57	** Kyle Kinane describes Siberia:
58	--->'''Kyle Kinane''': All right, they land 2000 kilometers off their mark, in Siberia, [[CaptainObvious which is a real place]]... In the middle of mating season for wolves and bears. It's below-zero temperatures, wolves, bears, all with just boners...
59	--->'''Derek''': Jesus...
60	--->'''Kyle''': (singing) ''Looking to [bleep]...'' (Derek laughs)
61	* Only on this show can you have UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler be played by Music/WeirdAlYankovic.
62	-->[[http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2014/07/drunk-history-review-montgomery.html If you're unfamiliar with Drunk History]] and are wondering just what this show is all about, the phrase "'Weird Al' Yankovic as Adolf Hitler" oughta catch you up pretty fast.
63	** And then he comes back three seasons later to play Adolf Eichmann. While pretending to be from Argentina. And pastiching ''Film/WeekendAtBernies'' in the process.
64	* Lin-Manuel Miranda is interrupted during his story by a [=FaceTime=] call from Questlove. We then cut to the historical reenactment, and see Alexander Hamilton, James Monroe, and Aaron Burr taking the same call.
65	** "So... ...trying to find the straightest line through this story... ... ... ...so, Hamilton has an affair."
66	** The first shot of Aaron Burr in his family's graveyard has a couple of gravestones that read "Aaron Burr's 2nd Grade Piano Teacher" and "Aaron Burr's Math Teacher".
67	* Ever wanted to hear [[Series/BetterCallSaul Jimmy]] [[Series/BreakingBad "Saul Goodman"]] [[Series/BetterCallSaul McGill]] educate you on "Disco Demolition Night"? [[http://www.cc.com/video-clips/wn3ynw/drunk-history-steve-dahl-s-disco-demolition Now you can.]]
68	-->'''Bob Odenkirk''': Well, I guess our story ''really'' begins in 1977, with the ''massive'' success of "[bleep]ing Disco", which is [[BrutalHonesty a terrible form of music]].
69	** After Derek tries comparing Steve Dahl to Imus, Bob Odenkirk [[{{Corpsing}} just breaks down in laughter]]. Dahl himself looks offended.
70	** "Just got back from the 'Nam about five years ago."
71	** "[[AskAStupidQuestion What do you mean, 'What happens after it explodes'?]] It's a [bleep]ing disaster."
72	** So, what was Harry Caray doing during this, up in the announcer's booth?
73	--->'''Harry Caray''': (into the mike) Hey, it's a good time, everybody, let's sing a song together! ''Take me out to the''- you know this, sing along! Okay, [[StepfordSmiler let's all get off the field now, how about it?]]
74	--->'''Bob Odenkirk''': (laughs) And the kids are like, "Well, no, not that."
75	** "Man, I'll teach you to be a teenager! [[DisproportionateRetribution A whack in the head!]]"
76	* Ashley Nicole Black relates the fateful meeting of Nichelle Nichols and Martin Luther King Jr., wherein King tells Nichols that what she's doing is important, and she shouldn't quit:
77	-->'''Ashley Nicole Black''': And she's all, "Oh fuck. That's a lot. That's a ''lot.'' That's, like, a ''lot'' on my shoulders. Can you chill?" And he's like, "No. I'm Martin Luther King. I have ''no'' chill."
78	* From the UK version, Joe Lycett, on the wrong side of a large quantity of prosecco, champagne, and sambuca, tells the story of how notorious {{London Gangster}}s Ronnie and Reggie Kray were brought down in an operation spearheaded by Leonard "Nipper" Read. The operation suffers an early setback when the Kray twins invite Read into a party he is observing, and his reputation is immediately tarnished by his association with them. According to Joe Lycett, they celebrated their victory with another party. Cut to Ronnie (Dustin Demri-Burns) and Reggie (Seb Cardinal) dancing the twist to a suitably early '60s-sounding instrumental with [[TheComicallySerious very serious expressions]]; Joe mimics this by flailing his arms and legs in his chair. Eventually, Ronnie looks slightly embarrassed and walks out of shot. Reggie lingers for a moment, then begins doing the twist again (complete with the music starting up again), before finally getting a "Yeah, that's probably enough" look and walking off.
79	* Anytime [[Series/TheMightyBoosh Rich]] [[Series/SnuffBox Fulcher]] is narrating.
80	** On Abraham Lincoln being mocked by his fellow attorneys:
81	--->'''Rich Fulcher:''' Stanton saw Lincoln coming eya- coming up, and Stanton went to Harding "Oh my god, this guy is a lanky, gawky, awkward, ape-legged...ape l- armed...man. This guy is weird. This guy's like an ape. He's got ape arms. He's got like ape-awkward arms. THIS GUY IS LIKE AN APE awkward guy. THIS GUY...IS AN APE...AWK...AWKT...AWKS-WARD! HE'S LIKE AN APE MAN! THIS GUY IS LIKE AN APE-AWKWARD MAN!"
82	** The biggest takeaway from the story of Abe Lincoln's time as a lawyer.
83	--->'''Derek Waters:''' What's the biggest lesson to learn in this story?
84	--->'''Rich Fulcher:''' My...uh...''balls'', are big.
85	** On the 1972 Chess Championship with Bobby Fischer, "King of the Chess People":
86	--->'''Rich Fulcher:''' In America, it was shown on bars throughout the country, so you would go into a bar, you'd see chess, and not the New York Mets, not the K...Klondike...Bars.
87	--->'''Derek Waters:''' But what would you do for a Klondike?
88	--->'''Rich Fulcher:''' I would do anything for a Klondike Bar, except ''Wikipedia my dingus''.
89	** He spends nearly the entirety of his Lord Gordon Gordon segment with the [[AlcoholHic hiccups]].
90	** On Mary Shelley coming up with the idea for ''Frankenstein'':
91	--->'''Rich Fulcher:''' That night, Mary falls asleep, and has a terrible nightmare. She wakes up with a start and goes, Oh! I have my story! You ''amazing puppet shits!''
92	** His inability to say Mary Shelley's pre-marital name. He ends up putting Derek Waters and Kirby Howell-Baptiste in hysterics as the producer keeps trying to get him to say her name right.
93	--->'''Rich Fulcher:''' Mary's lover, Percy Shelley, one of the premiere poets-\
94	'''Derek Waters:''' Wait, Percy Shelley? She was in love with someone that had her last name?\
95	'''Rich:''' Two names. Shelley Percy?\
96	'''Producer:''' Uh, Rich, her name is not Mary Shelley before she marries Percy.\
97	'''Kirby Howell-Baptiste:''' ''(Laughs)'' Duh!\
98	'''Producer:''' Her name is Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin.\
99	'''Derek:''' ''(Laughs)'' Good luck.\
100	'''Kirb:''' Nope! He is ''not'' gonna say it!\
101	'''Rich:''' Mary Golonsw-\
102	'''Producer:''' Wollstonecraft Godwin.\
103	'''Rich:''' Okay. Her name is Mary Gollonswogoft.\
104	'''Derek and Kirby:''' ''(Laughs)''\
105	'''Producer:''' Wollstonecraft Godwin.\
106	'''Rich:''' Her name is Mary Wollingodstroft Codwin. And she. Is. Bizarre.\
107	'''Derek:''' ''(Laughs, gets up and walks away)''\
108	'''Producer:''' So, one more time, Mary Wollstonecraft Godwin.\
109	'''Derek:''' ''(Laughing)'' There is no...fucking way!\
110	'''Kirby:''' ''(Laughs)''\
111	'''Rich:''' ''(Laughs)'' I'll get it! I'm gonna get it!\
112	'''Kirby:''' Why don't you throw in some more consonants, Greg! Okay, we got it, we got it, we got it.\
113	'''Derek:''' What was her name?\
114	'''Rich:''' Okay. Her name...is Wollingonstroft-\
115	'''Derek:''' Mary.\
116	'''Rich:''' Her name is Mary...Wollinstonecroft Godwin. Okay?\
117	'''Derek:''' Gotcha.
118	** His Christmas Tale of Theodore Roosevelt is chock-full of hysterical gems
119	--->'''Rich:''' It was 1901, Teddy Roosevelt was just elected the Prize-ident of the United ''Status''! His motto was "Speak softly, and carry a big dick"... And Theodore Roosevelt is a ''huge'' conservationist. You don't wanna know!
120	--->'''Derek:''' Actually I do.
121	--->'''Rich:''' Okay!
122	** After the Roosevelt kids set up their own Christmas tree in the White House against Roosevelt's wishes, the dialogue that the kids are given by Rich is so nonsensical that it causes the actress playing the White House electrician to start {{corpsing}}.
123	--->'''Archie Roosevelt:''' We're gonna make Papa believe in the trees.
124	--->'''Quinten Roosevelt:''' ''(whispering)'' The trees make you believes.
125	--->'''Archie Roosevelt:''' ''(whispering)'' The trees make you sneeze below the knees.
126	** At the end, where Roosevelt lifts his ban on Christmas trees.
127	--->'''Archie:''' Daddy, so this mean we can have Christmas trees?
128	--->'''Roosevelt:''' ''(menacingly)'' We're gonna have Christmas trees... every year... for eternity...
129	* Derek tried tricking Paul F. Thompkins [[RefugeInAudacity into drinking to Jim Crow]].
130	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75cWpzc8Uv8&t=2m32s Apparently]], Edgar Allen Poe hated Rufus Griswold so much, he called him a holographic piece-of-shit [[AnachronismStew despite acknowledging that holograms don't exist yet]].
131	* During the story of Stetson Kennedy, narrator Mark Gagliardi starts to have a sneezing fit. Cue the actors including it into the scene, with the Ku Klux Klan members [[ShamedByAMob getting increasingly annoyed.]]
132	* BJ Porter slightly mispronounces William Jennings Bryan's name as "Williams Jenning Bryan," notes that it feels like he's saying it wrong...and then keeps saying it that way anyway for the rest of the Scopes Monkey Trial.
133	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cD9mAtyj1RM Bradley Walsh as Sir Arthur Conan Doyle]] - his lip-syncing of "Who writes Sherlock Holmes? ''This'' motherfucker!" is glorious, as are his ''moonwalking'' and doing a full body ripple from his feet upwards.
134	-->'''Policeman:''' ''[blocking Doyle from entering the room]'' You can't go through here, mate, it's a crime scene.
135	-->'''Arthur Conan Doyle:''' Oh, ''can't'' I? A) I'm a ''sir''. B) I'm a ''doctor''. C) My name is Conan - as in the ''Barbariaaaaaaan''!
136	** Bonus points for Tom Parry's absolutely ''dreadful'' [[WhatTheHellIsThatAccent attempts at accents]]. His Scottish one could be considered as in the same hemisphere, but his German one somehow comes across as more Rastafarian. Even Julian Rhind-Tutt grimaces a bit after his last line of "Bear in mind, I'm German!"
137	* Derek’s dog starts barking with perfect timing to sound like it’s how Nellie Bly is pretending to be insane.
138	* In the UK version, Creator/CharlotteRitchie tells the tale of the Cottingley Fairies, but [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wfr7l_WyYsU has a bit of trouble]] with the words "theosophical" and "theosophist":
139	-->'''Charlotte:''' The exhibition is seen by a man called Edward Gardner, who is a theoso... theosologshist... theodrama...\
140	''[Gardner, who has been looking at the photographs, gives a bemused glance to the camera: cut to Charlotte]''\
141	'''Charlotte:''' Theogolosist... theosolophist...\
142	''[Cut back to Gardner, who is looking increasingly annoyed and impatient; back to Charlotte]''\
143	'''Charlotte:''' A theatre... ''[begins giggling]''\
144	''[Cut back to Gardner, who's by now absolutely fed up]''\
145	'''Charlotte:''' A thea... a theas... ''[Cut back to Charlotte]'' A guy who believes in fairies. ''[Cut back to Gardner, who shrugs impatiently in a "Fine, that'll do." fashion]''

Context Funny / DrunkHistory