Line #29 Fanfic/AvoidingStupidDeathsInThe41stMillennium


1	In the grim dark future of the 41st millennium, a guardsman writes, with just a small amount of frustration, of the many foolish deaths that have claimed others, in the hopes that future generations will avoid the same downfalls. He isn't holding his breath.
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3	A ''TabletopGame/Warhammer40000'' fanfic by errtheking. Can be read on [[https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/avoiding-stupid-deaths-in-the-41st-millennium-40k-humor.512056/ Space Battles]] and [[https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11122882/1/Avoiding-Stupid-Deaths-in-the-41st-Millennium FanFiction.net]].
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5	----
6	!!Examples:
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8	* AccidentalSuicide: Considering that the whole premise is about characters being TooDumbToLive, there's ''at least'' one example on every page, on average.
9	* AcquiredPoisonImmunity: Entry 18 has someone die of poisonous meat [[DeconstructedTrope due to the lack of this]], when [[PlanetOfHats others around]] take such immunity for granted.
10	* AlcoholInducedIdiocy: Many entries are a result of this.
11	** Exaggerated in Entry 13, due to [[SuperSoldier Astartes]]-strength [[RecycledInSpace Space]] [[HornyVikings Wolves]] brew.
12	* AnArmAndALeg: The narrator himself loses a foot to a Necron gauss flayer, part of his nose to a melta bomb that someone was juggling, an eye when he beat a Catachan jungle fighter at cards, and a testicle from when he insulted an Ork warboss and [[GroinAttack got kicked where it hurts the most.]]
13	* AntiHero: The narrator isn't the nicest of people, having committed several acts of fragging and maintains quite a few of the Imperium's more xenophobic attitudes without question. But he can generally be trusted to keep those mindsets in check when the situation calls for it and tends to do the right thing.
14	* AssholeVictim: Several entries involve horrible people suffering horrible deaths.
15	* AssShove: Implied to be what the Imperial Fists will do to people who make fun of their chapter's name.
16	* BadassFamily: The narrator is a veteran in the Imperial Guard. His wife, an IG heavy weapons expert, has several cybernetic implants which, among other things, make her strong enough to break a human spine with only two fingers. His sister is a Sister of Battle. His daughter is a psyker. And his daughter-in-law is a gunslinger from Gunmetal City.
17	* BaitAndSwitchComment: Used multiple times, but at least one standout example is when the narrator unexpectedly steps in to stop a lynching, but only because:
18	-->"They were using utterly shit rope, and I wasn't doing this twice."
19	* BetterToDieThanBeKilled: This is often true in the 40k 'verse, with many factions and enemies all too willing and eager to inflict a FateWorseThanDeath on their victims - and several entries admit as much, but entry 238 points out why it's important not to jump the gun to this.
20	* BerserkButton: The author's buttons include, but are not limited to: Threatening his family, implying his relationship with his sister is not so platonic, sexual slavery, and bad-mouthing the Lamenters.
21	* {{BFG}}: It's Warhammer 40K, of course there's gonna be big guns.
22	** A more specific example being the [[WaveMotionGun Volcano Cannon]] on the Shadowsword super-heavy mech-hunter, capable of severing a [[HumongousMecha Titan's]] limbs in a single shot.
23	* BittersweetEnding: [[spoiler: The protagonist takes out the Chaos Lord and a good chunk of her forces in an epic trap... with himself as the living bait, setting it off in person. He doesn't make it out, but he makes damn sure his family does.]]
24	* BlackComedy: A good bit of the premise.
25	* BlingOfWar: Generally discouraged by the narrator because it makes you stand out on the battlefield, thus making you a more appealing target... plus, it's a real pain in the butt to remove those encrusted gems so no one would suspect the weapon was looted.
26	* ButtMonkey: The in-universe author likes to shit on anyone and everyone he thinks is stupid, but he explicitly particularly enjoys picking on nobles - calling them his "favorite whipping boys" at one point, for doing "so much dumb shit" - and also seems to particularly like taking shots at the Dark Eldar and inept Chaos cultists (though he has a healthy fear of and respect for the power of ''actual daemons'', to say nothing of his petrifying fear of the Chaos Lord).
27	-->'''Narrator''': Don't be a Dark Eldar, guys.
28	* CombatPragmatist: The main character definitely counts, and many entries tacitly encourage this attitude, but it's the explicit theme of entry 402, Fuck Fighting Fair.
29	* CreatorBreakdown: [[spoiler: Happens in-universe, over his fears of confronting the Chaos Lord again, leading to the later-redacted Entry 420, where he basically calls the whole universe a ShaggyDogStory. He recovers enough to go out in a blaze of glory.]]
30	* ChronicBackstabbingDisorder: The narrator is a firm believer that all Eldar (with exceptions for the Harlequins) are this and that any alliance with them is doomed to fall apart the second interests no longer align. [[DownplayedTrope That said]] he also insists that just because any Eldar alliance is doomed to fail, that doesn't mean the guard should go ahead and be the ones to break it while a mutual threat is still out there.
31	* DeathSeeker: The Death Korps of Krieg are repeatedly cited as examples of this by the narrator. They're known for marching fearlessly into battle, heedless of their own survival, (brainwashed into) seeking to "atone" for past rebellion and "heresy". Ironically, soldiers of the Death Korps tend not to die stupidly, as they prioritize making their lives (and deaths) count for something.
32	* DickDastardlyStopsToCheat: Many, many entries have hints of this; a lampshadedly edgy version is how a Dark Eldar dies in Entry 391 (attempting to engage in some BestialityIsDepraved while being surrounded by soldiers rather than making any practical attempt to escape).
33	* DoWrongRight: Plenty of this
34	** Entry #142 details this. If you '''must''' do a revenge killing, don't cover it up stupidly. Several guardsmen were executed for their revenge murders because they couldn't forge credible suicide notes, couldn't make the victim look like she fell off a cliff (due to said "cliff" being a mere 5-foot drop), or attempted assassination via [[OurGoblinsAreDifferent grot]].
35	** Entry #341: Don't frag officers in the middle of a raging firefight against orks, or if there are too many witnesses, or if the officer really doesn't deserve to get fragged in the first place.
36	* DopeSlap: After the guy in 181 got a bayonet in his balls after trying to pull a GetAHoldOfYourselfMan on a grieving widow, the narrator attempts to do the same to the guy. The narrator wasn't expecting it to work, he just wanted to hit the guy.
37	* DrugsAreBad: Well, Dark Eldar drugs at least. The narrator himself is a smoker.
38	* TheEnemyWeaponsAreBetter: Played straight with T'au and Eldar weapons, though getting caught with them will result in summary execution, and ammo is hard to find unless you're fighting those specific enemies. Averted with Chaos and Ork weaponry. The former due to usually being possessed by a daemon, which will then attempted to possess, corrupt, and/or kill the user. The latter because they're stupidly heavy, don't work as well in the hands of non-Orks, and make the user a more appealing target for Orks.
39	** Also averted with Necron weaponry. It is incredibly powerful, but good luck figuring out how to use it. One case the narrator mentions ends with the user's brains on the ceiling, their large intestine all over the floor, and their gallbladder in the narrator's good eye.
40	* EntertaininglyWrong: The narrator discussing Literature/CiaphasCain, defending his reputation against the "rumors" of his cowardice and implying Amberley Vail might kill people over them.
41	-->"Ha! Ha! Hahahaha! I'd drop this one if I were you, guys. His girlfriend is an Inquisitor."
42	* FaustianRebellion: Advised against in Entry 6, which points out that if the highly superhuman Primarchs couldn't successfully accomplish this, the odds of an arrogant ordinary human successfully doing so are impossibly unlikely.
43	* FlingALightIntoTheFuture: [[spoiler: The last chapter of the in-universe book ends up as this, as it's left in the keeping of his family, who are able to escape his [[StuffBlowingUp epic last act]].]]
44	* GetAHoldOfYourselfMan: Violently and painfully deconstructed in Entry 181 by both the narrator and the anecdote, as the idiot of the entry is the proud recipient of a [[ImpaledWithExtremePrejudice sharp]] GroinAttack for attempting this on a grieving widow. The narrator then gives the technique a second chance... on said GroinAttack victim. It doesn't work any better for calming them down.
45	* GeneralFailure: The narrator is firmly of the opinion [[WeHaveReserves Chenkov]] is this, calling him out by name multiple times and lamenting being unable to write his entry due to his continued survival, and calls out several more people over the course of his list.
46	* GroinAttack: Pretty much implied to have happened to a guardsman when, as payback for his slain brothers-in-arms, he decided to urinate on a downed Necron whose self-repair systems soon kicked in.
47	** "89: Never accuse a Warboss of having no balls:...I was young. Very young. He kicked me...one of them popped. I was one of the lucky ones too."
48	** A guardsman tried calming down a fellow guardsman who just saw their husband get disintegrated by slapping them... got a bayonet in their balls as a result.
49	* HeroicSacrifice: [[spoiler: How the narrator finally dies, and ends up writing his own entry as predicted, as entry 500 (though the actual ''stupid'' death is [[TakingYouWithMe the Chaos Lord]]).]] Aside from this climactic one, several other entries discuss how to do them right, and failed attempts at them, such as:
50	** 136: Using anti-plant grenades against Tyranids is... less than effective.
51	** 156: An aircraft's ordnance is also generally more effective than said aircraft's use as a battering ram, especially when it's fully loaded - and even more so if you ''can't even get it on target''.
52	** 385: Blowing yourself up to end a Chaos Space Marine is the right way to do it. Misestimating your grenades' fuses and not making it to the enemy lines in the first place? Not so much.
53	* HopeSpringsEternal: [[spoiler: In the form of the Indomitus Crusade as well as the Chaos Lord's death, and on a more personal level, the protagonist's daughter beginning to write a new in-universe book, explicitly named as a new beginning: "Surviving in the Hell of the 42nd Millennium".]]
54	* HumanResources: The practice of the Imperium converting the recently deceased into rations is often referenced, with fasting being recommended as a way of avoiding them.
55	* IJustShotMarvinInTheFace: Never spin loaded guns around your fingers. One guardsman and his girlfriend die because the former spun their pistols round his fingers by the pistols' trigger guards. Not surprisingly, this ended with the two lovers getting shot in the face, as it appears the safety catches were off.
56	* ImpracticallyFancyOutfit: Heavily discouraged by the narrator, after an experience with a regiment with collars so high they managed to get outflanked by Orks. Orks that weren't Kommandos.
57	* IncrediblyObviousBomb: The explosive used in Entry 10 is apparently an example, at least enough so to beep loudly before detonation. One wonders why the [[ManipulativeBastard Eldar]] would use such a bomb, unless the narrator is embellishing here...
58	* JugglingDangerously: The very first entry is about how juggling grenades is a bad idea, not just for the juggler but for any one near him. The narrator himself lost part of his nose because a drunken Catachan tried this with a melta bomb.
59	* KickTheDog: The varyingly direct cause of many mentioned idiots' deaths, such as, again, the Dark Eldar from 391.
60	* KillItWithFire: Very much a thing for dealing with plenty of problems (especially tyranids and haunted houses), but only if done correctly. Plus, the narrator states that you shouldn't stay within a building you've just set on fire, as quite a few too many zealous people (including a Sister of Battle) stuck around, screaming "The emperor will protect me" as the burning building collapsed.
61	* KnightOfCerebus: The Chaos Lord. Nothing about her is played for laughs, the narrator experiences nothing but sheer dread at her presence, and chapters where she personally makes an appearance focus heavily on suspense.
62	* LastWords: Defied by the narrator refusing to allow this in Entry 304, then further deconstructed when another enemy in another incident uses it as HoldingTheFloor to set off a powerful explosive charge and inflict seventeen casualties.
63	* LeaningOnTheFourthWall: A couple of the entries lean into this kind of humor, such as [[UnPerson the fate of the Squats]] and the stagnant timeline.
64	* LethalChef: Entry 18 discusses the possibility of a deadly serious version of this due to AcquiredPoisonImmunity, although the actual death of the entry also (as with many) also falls in LethallyStupid territory. [[LemonyNarrator At least, according to the narrator, who may or may not be embellishing.]]
65	* MamaBear:
66	** The Chaos Lord, to the narrator's horror.
67	** The narrator's wife as well, as one commissar found out when he pulled a gun on her daughter.
68	* MercyKill: The narrator has given out several, especially where the [[TortureTechnician Dark Eldar]] and [[EldritchAbomination Chaos]] {{Cult}}s are concerned.
69	-->"You are ''so'' lucky [[PlausibleDeniability that Dark Eldar]] [[MakeItLookLikeAnAccident accidentally]] shot you in the head..."
70	* NoodleIncident: Many entries, such as Entry 13, which only shows the aftermath of the Exaggerated AlcoholInducedIdiocy.
71	* PapaWolf: Don't pull a gun on the narrator's daughter, it won't end well for you.
72	* PyrrhicVictory: It's the 40k, they abound. If you end up an Entry, this is about the ''best'' you can hope for. Unless you ''caused'' the entry.
73	* RapeIsASpecialKindOfEvil: The narrator DOES NOT support sexual slavery of any sort!
74	* RecklessGunUsage: Just about every firearm safety rule gets broken. Not surprisingly, everyone who breaks the rules ends up dead.
75	* RedshirtArmy: The Imperial Guard often falls into this trope, much to the narrator's annoyance, but he also provides an unintentional example with his wife. Originally, his wife was part of an elite force put together by the Iron Hands with extensive augmentation meant to enhance their combat abilities. But these forces all had zero combat experience, meaning they still suffered heavy casualties when they were first deployed. The narrator gripes about how it would've been more effective to give said augmentations to more seasoned veterans of the guard.
76	* SelfMadeOrphan: The protagonist and his sister, thanks to a Molotov cocktail his sister made. He's still of the opinion that their father had it coming.
77	* SergeantRock: The protagonist, though a little less caring about the lives of his men than most. Still, he has good reason to believe you can't save 'em all at this point.
78	* SexIsEvil: Pointedly defied. The protagonist frequently discusses the dangers of sex and erotic interaction with genuinely dangerous and malicious people and beings (as well as the [[TooDumbToLive risks]] of doing reckless things in pursuit of the attention or affection of your preferred genders), but also openly advocates for and explicitly okays mutually negotiated consensual sex and kinks.
79	* SexSlave: The protagonist explicitly isn't a fan of enslaving people for sexual activities. He includes multiple entries threatening any guardsman who would attempt to take such "prisoners".
80	* ShootTheShaggyDog: Yep, these entries definitely appear. In Entry 420, an InUniverse CreatorBreakdown leads to an entry about how the entire 40k galaxy is this. Thankfully, in-universe, that entry is redacted before it can be published and lead to suicide pacts if not mass suicides, and the protagonist's earlier and later experiences arguably disprove it, or at least provide counterarguments.
81	* SomebodySetUpUsTheBomb: In a big way [[spoiler: in the climax, though it's a dead-man's-switch activated suicide detonation. Double revenge boners]] don't end well, and tend to make one's movements and strategic decisions rather predictable, as the narrator is all too eager to point out.
82	* TakeOurWordForIt: "11. Don't make fun of the Imperial Fists' name: They will actually do it. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. DON'T DO IT!"
83	* TakeThat: Entry 40 "Do not attempt to make an [[TheArchmage Eldar Farseer]] your sex slave" was written in response to a now deleted fic that featured exactly that, while several other subsequent entries poked fun at (and [[DeconstructedTrope Deconstructed]]) various other... ''implausible'' plot points in that author's works, along with other works.
84	* TakingYouWithMe: 385 - an ordinary lieutenant manages to use a pair of Melta Bombs to [[DidYouJustPunchOutCthulhu end a Chaos Space Marine]] that had [[PyrrhicVictory just slaughtered most of the base]]. And in the final entry, entry 500, [[spoiler: the narrator]] does basically the exact same thing at a much larger scale, [[spoiler: exploiting his enemy's revenge lust]] to [[spoiler: blow up an ''entire continent'' and take ''their entire army'']] with him to [[{{Hell}} The Warp]].
85	* TalkingDownTheSuicidal: Encouraged in 403, especially as a much preferable option to "helping" them die. Since, among other things, survivors and loved ones don't tend to take kindly to the latter.
86	* TooDumbToLive: Pretty much 90% of the entries are because of this.
87	* TooKinkyToTorture: Slaaneshi cultists. It's pointed out how trying to get violent revenge on them is an exercise in futility, on top of being quite dangerous as the cultists can still cause harm.
88	* TroublingUnchildlikeBehavior: When recounting his childhood, the narrator makes several references that painted his sister as having pyromania as early as when she was a young child. Though she at least had enough sense to have her brother on standby with a bucket of water.
89	* SarcasmMode: "Oh, why yes Corporal, you DID introduce me to Henry the Gaunt. What's that? He just ripped your throat out? Well, color me very UNSURPRISED!"
90	* SheIsTheKing: The narrator's most dangerous enemy, and primary nemesis in the later, more plot-driven portions of the story, is a female Chaos Lord who is referred to as such.
91	* TheSmurfettePrinciple: Inverted. The narrator is the only male in his family, which consists of himself, his wife, his sister, his daughter, and the daughter's girlfriend/wife.
92	* SuicideAttack: Discussed. The narrator says he's not against the concept, but remarks that if you're throwing your life away, it should be in a way where the enemy is paying a high price for it.
93	* UnfriendlyFire: Multiple rules demonstrate what happens to Commissars who get too trigger-happy about executing their own troops. Or commanders who like to lean too hard into WeHaveReserves. Oh, and if a guardsman mutinies by holding you at gunpoint, '''DO NOT INSULT HIM OR THREATEN HIS FAMILY''', because this will make him resort to covering up the murder after he's done shooting you.
94	* UpperClassTwit: Several entries involve Imperial nobility suffering the fatal consequences of their own arrogance and/or ignorance.
95	* WeHaveReserves: Several entries call out this attitude, and detail the ways it can fail and backfire, from getting [[UnfriendlyFire Fragged]] by your own men in response, to the higher-ups being unimpressed with the "strategy", to quite simply ''not having'' enough men for the strategy to work, or being up against something that pure numbers ''can't'' defeat.
96	* WeHaveToGetTheBulletOut: No. "Your attempts at heroics are probably going to kill the guy faster because your serrated combat knife tearing his chest apart isn't good for him. Who would've thought?" Though exceptions are made for yet-unexploded explosive rounds.
97	* WhyAmITicking: Apparently the end result of a casual sexual encounter with an [[ManipulativeBastard Eldar]] in Entry 10.
98	* WilliamTelling:
99	** Entry 3 is a variant, where the idiot of the entry attempts to shoot an unwitting officer's pipe. He gets his own head blown off for his trouble (while being forced to smoke the same pipe).
100	** Another entry involves some [[AlcoholInducedIdiocy drunk Guardsmen trying to shoot a bottle off of another's head,]] which ends with one of the Guardsmen getting shot in the head. They survived, albeit with severe brain damage.
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Context Fanfic / AvoidingStupidDeathsInThe41stMillennium