History WarpThatAesop / Theater

* ''SouthPacific'': Selling your daughter into marriage to a foreigner she's never met before is perfectly acceptable, especially if she can be used to teach said foreigner a lesson about racism.

* ''SpringAwakening'': Go ahead, rape that girl in a hayloft. She's only saying "no", fighting back violently and sobbing because of the oppressive climate of prudishness in your quaint German village! Remember, you're ''liberating'' her! Even though you impregnate her and she has no idea what's happening to her barely-pubescent body, and her mother forces her to take abortifacent pills that end up causing a fatal hemorrhage, she'll always remember you as her faithful, adoring sweetheart! She'll come back as a ghost! You'll sing a song!

** Nothing bad will happen to you if you steal your SpoiledSweet best friend's boyfriend and destroy her reputation in the process.

* MissSaigon: Hang in there, baby.
* ''NextToNormal'': When your mother is undergoing dangerous treatment for severe mental illness, use the distraction to blatantly abuse prescription drugs and mistreat your boyfriend. Everyone will come to see you as the REAL hero in the end.

* ''ThePhantomOfTheOpera'': You may be an incredibly talented artistic genius, but if you are not physically perfect, you are ''completely unlovable''.

* ''The Adding Machine'': You're damned not because of anything you did or didn't do, but because of what you are and always were. Even literally starting your life over will only make it worse.

* ''Theatre/TheBookOfMormon'': Sometimes you have to lie to black people.

'''''[[IncomingHam WELCOME]]''''', '''[[LadiesAndGerms ladies, gentlemen, and tropers]], to DarthWiki's Favorite GameShow'''...

* ''[[{{Oklahoma}} Oklahoma!]]'': Is the girl you love going with somebody else to the box-social? You know what would be the perfect way to win her over? Finding that other dude and talking him into ''killing himself.'' Especially if he's the desperately lonely, unstable type who might actually go for it.
* ''OnceOnThisIsland'': If you fall in love with someone richer or whiter than you, don't follow your heart; the status quo will prove more important to him than his feelings for you.

* ''SevenBridesForSevenBrothers'' - Kidnapping women and forcing them to live on your property for several months will cause them to stay with you and bear your children when rescue comes.

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* ''Theatre/{{Wicked}}'': It's okay to steal your best friend's man, he loves you and is only with her for the resources to find you. And damn it if you don't fake the death of both yourself and him and run off together, your best friend will make everything better here while mourning you.
** Also, if you ask out a handicapped girl, she will subjugate your people and turn you into a heartless golem.
** If you palm an unwanted hat off on someone, she will steal your boyfriend.

* ''Theatre/{{Macbeth}}'': Ambitious women are evil. Also, trying to make your wife happy is a bad idea.
** If you feel pricking, you should consider wicked any person coming to you.
* ''{{Hamlet}}'': Never hesitate too much before killing people.
* ''Theatre/LittleShopOfHorrors'', stage only: YouSuck, and any attempt to change that will [[DownerEnding end disastrously.]]
** [[Film/LittleShopOfHorrors Movie version]]: Being present when someone dies, even if you could have helped them and didn't, isn't the same as murder - and it's morally acceptable if it brings you fame and fortune.
** Also from the movie version: It doesn't matter how many people you kill or how it backfires on you, because it will always turn out right in the end.
* ''The Drowsy Chaperone'': "Lovely is Always Lovely in the End", even without a good reason.
* ''Aspects of Love'' It's just fine to break into your uncle's house and rifle through his stuff as long as you bring a nymphomaniacal actress with you.
** Two years in the army and you can't even aim.
* ''Evita'': It's fine to make your way to the top by whatever means necessary and embezzle money and generally be corrupt as long as that was how everyone else did it before you.
** (Meta) A story is much more interesting if the female is the scheming one, Real Life be damned.
* ''The Last Five Years'': You can cheat on your wife for wanting to be close to you and share your success instead of playing second fiddle as long as do while singing the best song in the show.
* ''Parade'': You can fight an unjust court system for as long as you like, but it doesn't really matter, because even if you get them to listen, you'll still end up being lynched.
** Also the aesop of ''Ragtime''.
* MissSaigon: Hang in there, baby.
* ''[[RockyHorrorPictureShow The Rocky Horror Show]]'': If you find your fiancee has slept with the '''same''' guy you slept with only moments earlier, the best thing to do is to have sex with the nearest (literal) BrainlessBeauty you can find for revenge....ya know...instead of confronting said fiancee and the guy you and him both slept with.
** Also, if you don't agree with the lifestyle of your employer, the best thing to do is to shoot him.
*** Oh, and it's OK to kill someone just because they didn't like you.
** If your car breaks down, the best thing to do is to find the nearest creepy castle you can find and ask the [[PsychoForHire clearly insane]] {{Transvestite}} MadScientist alien if you can use his phone.
*** [[AudienceParticipation "Castles don't have phones,]] [[FanNickname Asshole!"]]
** Theoretically chaste spouses can easily be turned into sex-craved adulterous sluts with a little cajoling.
** Transvestites are really space aliens who want to [[strike:take over the planet]] [[AnythingThatMoves have sex with every living being on the planet.]]
** Wanna have sex with someone you just met? Just promise said person you won't tell his/her fiance and it'll be A-OK!
** If your story is strange enough, it'll be told by a man with no neck.
** Secretly, ''everyone'' wishes they could dress in drag.
** The best way to regain control of everyone as the world falls apart around you is to brainwash them and force them to perform a floorshow in an otherwise empty castle.
* ''[[{{Oklahoma}} Oklahoma!]]'': Is the girl you love going with somebody else to the box-social? You know what would be the perfect way to win her over? Finding that other dude and talking him into ''killing himself.'' Especially if he's the desperately lonely, unstable type who might actually go for it.
* ''SouthPacific'': Selling your daughter into marriage to a foreigner she's never met before is perfectly acceptable, especially if she can be used to teach said foreigner a lesson about racism.
** Cheating on your girlfriend is acceptable behavior, so long as the girl you cheat with is beautiful, wears little clothing and can teach you lessons about racism.
** Girls from the Solomon Islands are ''way'' cooler then girls from New England. Believing otherwise is racism.
* ''{{Hairspray}}'': A proper education is for losers. Break the rules, because detention is where the party is. Your high school romance, which is built solely on good times and bragging rights, will last forever. So forget about your education, find a partner, and have a blast. Life is just one big dance party.
** "Who cares about sleep when you can snooze in school, you'll never get to college but you'll sure look cool..."
* ''Theatre/{{Chicago}}'': Murder is a good way to launch a successful career in show business.
** Murderesses make ideal heroines of musicals, but {{Nice Guy}}s don't really belong in them.
* ''SevenBridesForSevenBrothers'' - Kidnapping women and forcing them to live on your property for several months will cause them to stay with you and bear your children when rescue comes.

* ''TheWizardOfOz'': Murdering friendless old ladies is the way to public acclaim.
** Don't stay in the magical land of wonder where everybody now loves you, good girls will go back to the farm to languish in poverty and let their beloved dog put to sleep.
** If you tell someone to JustEatGilligan, they won't believe you; you're much better off [[ManipulativeBastard sending them on a suicide mission to kill your worst enemy]] so that they can learn AnAesop and gain some perspective.
* ''{{Pippin}}'': The ultimate ambition of theatre people is for ''you'' to willingly die for their art.

* ''Sorry, Wrong Number'': The authorities are completely powerless to prevent a murder from occurring, no matter how much evidence is gathered ahead of time. So if anyone wants to murder you, you're screwed.

* ''Theatre/{{Thirteen}}'': Don't try to make friends outside of your normal group of friends, because they will turn out to be fake and you'll alienate your real friends.
** Nothing bad will happen to you if you steal your SpoiledSweet best friend's boyfriend and destroy her reputation in the process.
* ''NextToNormal'': When your mother is undergoing dangerous treatment for severe mental illness, use the distraction to blatantly abuse prescription drugs and mistreat your boyfriend. Everyone will come to see you as the REAL hero in the end.
* ''OnceOnThisIsland'': If you fall in love with someone richer or whiter than you, don't follow your heart; the status quo will prove more important to him than his feelings for you.
* ''SpringAwakening'': Go ahead, rape that girl in a hayloft. She's only saying "no", fighting back violently and sobbing because of the oppressive climate of prudishness in your quaint German village! Remember, you're ''liberating'' her! Even though you impregnate her and she has no idea what's happening to her barely-pubescent body, and her mother forces her to take abortifacent pills that end up causing a fatal hemorrhage, she'll always remember you as her faithful, adoring sweetheart! She'll come back as a ghost! You'll sing a song!
** Adults are all the same. They are ''literally'' all the same.
** If you are gay, you will vanish before act's end. If you are black (provided this is the Original Broadway Cast), your parents beat and sexually abuse you.
** [[NippleAndDimed Never show the audience more than one boob.]] (Alternately: It's okay to squeal about seeing Lea Michele's breast if she's playing a 14 year old girl.)
* ''Theatre/TheBookOfMormon'': Sometimes you have to lie to black people.
* ''Theatre/TheMerchantOfVenice''...okay, I'm done now.
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* ''{{Rent}}'': No matter what, you will find love. That love will also conveniently have HIV if you have HIV. Unless you're a white, striaght, middle-class guy with no diseases or obvious sexual eccentricies. Then you'll have to be content being the voyeur for your more interesting friends.

Also, if you ask out a handicapped girl, she will subjugate your people and turn you into a heartless golem.

* ''Theatre/{{Wicked}}'': It's okay to steal your best friend's man, he loves you and is only with her for the resources to find you. And damn it if you don't fake the death of both yourself and him and run off together, your best friend will make everything better here while mourning you

* ''LittleShopOfHorrors'', stage only: YouSuck, and any attempt to change that will [[DownerEnding end disastrously.]]
** Movie version: Being present when someone dies, even if you could have helped them and didn't, isn't the same as murder - and it's morally acceptable if it brings you fame and fortune.

** Only a fool tries to fool Mr. T.

* ''WestSideStory'': Interracial relationships lead to tragedy and bloodshed

** Love means never having to say you're sorry for cheating on someone.

* ''{{Macbeth}}'': Ambitious women are evil. Also, trying to make your wife happy is a bad idea.

** Cheating on your girlfriend is acceptable behavior, so long as the girl you cheat with is beautiful, wears little clothing and can teach you lessons about racism.

** If you tell someone to JustEatGilligan, they won't believe you; you're much better off [[{{ManipulativeBastard}} sending them on a suicide mission to kill your worst enemy]] so that they can learn AnAesop and gain some perspective.

** If you are gay, you will vanish before act's end. If you are black (provided this is the Original Broadway Cast), your parents beat and sexually abuse you.

* ''Theatre/TheBookOfMormon'': Sometimes you have to lie to black people.

* ''[[{{ptitlefiwg8rim}} 13]]'': Don't try to make friends outside of your normal group of friends, because they will turn out to be fake and you'll alienate your real friends.

* ''TheMerchantOfVenice''...okay, I'm done now.

* ''{{Chicago}}'': Murder is a good way to launch a successful career in show business.

** You cannot be an artist and hold down a job at the same time. Getting a job means you're serving the Man

** Always go to a reputable barber.

** If you feel pricking, the approaching person is surely evil.

* ''Waiting for Godot'': Never give up hope, just keep waiting.

* ''{{Wicked}}'': It's okay to steal your best friend's man, he loves you and is only with her for the resources to find you. And damn it if you don't fake the death of both yourself and him and run off together, your best friend will make everything better here while mourning you

** You cannot be an artist and hold down a job at the same time. Getting a job means you're serving the Man.