History Quotes / TranquilTirades

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Mr. Digger says, 'I've been captivated by you since the minute I saw you.' Yeah, I tell you, the way she just stares off into space and reads those cue cards..."''

-->'''James:''' ''"This character fits into the tone and genre of this movie as well as Immortal Technique would at the Republican National Convention."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"I just played ''Just Cause 3'' and with all the cheats on and shot directly at this Coke machine, and they're all unfazed, because the power of thirst-quenching cola has protected us from napalm!"''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Yeah, just, 'Thanks for driving me half or a couple kilometers, see ya'. And then he just goes, 'Glad to have helped thy lady. Be on your way. Thank you for sampling my fine steed! As you were!' And then he just kisses her hand and leaves? WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE???"''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Yeah, just, 'Thanks for driving me half or a couple kilometers, see ya'. And then he just goes, 'Glad to have helped thy lady. Be on your way. Thank you for sampling my fine steed! As you were!' And then he just kisses her hand a leaves, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE???"''

-->'''James:''' I got nothin'.

-->'''James:''' ''"The lip-synching here can best be described as an afterthought. This is PAINFULLY bad."''

* Episode 53 - ''Main/Deadfall''
-->'''James:''' This character fits into the tone and genre of this movie as well as Immortal Technique would at the Republican National Convention.

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Never before has there been a buddy movie where the two people in the film had any less reason to be buddies. You could make a movie starring Morgan Freeman and the guy that played McLovin', and they would have more common ground. You could make a movie with Samuel L. Jackson and Stanley Tucci and they would have more common ground. You could make a movie with Christopher Walken and a bag of baby carrots...and they would have more on-screen chemistry than these two."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"So, then it's a montage...with honky-tonk piano..."'' James: ''"It's like royalty-free Billy Joel Casio keyboard preset."'' Damien: ''"...of a horse running around confused. This movie has more padding than a fucking Tempur-pedic store."''

-->'''James:''' ''"The green contact lenses she's wearing are so obvious, they make her look like Reptile [from Mortal Kombat]."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"This high school science class is learning about solar eclipses... Is this Science -101?"'' '''James:''' ''"Remedial astronomy?"''

-->'''James:''' ''"My only note for this is: Mark Wahlberg asks permission from a plastic plant to be able to use the bathroom in a model house where nothing is real."'' '''Damien:''' ''"That should be the IMDb synopsis for this movie."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"There is something that happens in this movie. A lot. Flashbacks...premonitions...dream sequences..."'' '''James:''' ''"And I'll give you three guesses as to how many of them make even the slightest iota of sense."'' '''Damien:''' ''"If you say 'one', you've overshot your target."''

-->'''Damien:''' ''"This high school science class is learning about solar eclipses... Is this Science -101?"''
-->James: ''"Remedial astronomy?"''

-->'''James:''' (imitating a random kid on the beach, and then Santa) ''"Santa, what does the merry-go-round and stuff have to do with having faith that everything will turn out alright?" "Ho, ho, ho! Shut the f-ck up, you little sh-t!"''

-->'''James:''' ''"The lip-synching here can best be described as an afterthought. This is PAINFULLY bad."''

-->'''James:''' ''"I don't think I've ever seen so many black guys in the presence of a Monster Magnet show in my life."''

-->'''James:''' ''"My only note for this is: Mark Wahlberg asks permission from a plastic plant to be able to use the bathroom in a model house where nothing is real."'' Damien: ''"That should be the IMDb synopsis for this movie."''

* Episode 4 - ''{{FilBallisticEcksVsSever'':

-->'''Damien:''' ''"Our cop character, Agent MacPherson, who looks like David Tennant's uglier brother, if that uglier brother had some sort of mutant baby with Billie Joe Armstrong, along with his partner, Agent Henderson, who looks like an extra from ''{{Film/The Matrix}}''. Okay, I have never tried out to be an FBI person, but I imagine it takes a lot of fucking time. They probably don't just hand out jobs to 25-year-olds. This guy looks like he's 25!!! Like, he wrote his thesis on his favorite Death Cab for Cutie album. He's wearing a fucking jacket...the stupidest fucking haircut, some shitty band shirt of a band I can't even see. And like...sneakers! THIS is our tough cop character???"''

* Episode 4 - ''{{Film/Ballistic Ecks vs Sever}}'':

* Episode 19 - ''{{Film/Alone in the Dark}}'':

* Episode 51 - ''{{Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny}}''

** Damien: ''"Well, [Sever] failed the mission already. She's nowhere near the Paint N' Spray, and she's got God Mode turned on, and five stars. So, you know what that means--lots more explosions."''

** James: ''"One does not simply bike into Mordor."''

** Damien: ''"A million monkeys with a million hammers, standing in a line, hitting each other in the head repeatedly, then forced with their fingers to use the brain fluid and blood to draw on a piece of paper could not come up with a script that makes less sense than this movie."''

** Damien: ''"He needed to go into a trance three times to find out it would be a good idea to throw water at the fire people?!"''

** James: ''"I don't think I've ever seen so many black guys in the presence of a Monster Magnet show in my life."''
** Damien: ''"ONE gang member died...California LOSES ITS SHIT."''
** Damien: ''"Our cop character, Agent MacPherson, who looks like David Tennant's uglier brother, if that uglier brother had some sort of mutant baby with Billie Joe Armstrong, along with his partner, Agent Henderson, who looks like an extra from ''{{Film/The Matrix}}''. Okay, I have never tried out to be an FBI person, but I imagine it takes a lot of fucking time. They probably don't just hand out jobs to 25-year-olds. This guy looks like he's 25!!! Like, he wrote his thesis on his favorite Death Cab for Cutie album. He's wearing a fucking jacket...the stupidest fucking haircut, some shitty band shirt of a band I can't even see. And like...sneakers! THIS is our tough cop character???"''
** James: ''"Do these guys just ride bikes and drink Budweisers for a living??"''

** Damien: ''"Lola says they have to sacrifice a virgin before sun-up. This is a complicated spell. You have to cut out the eyes...then you have to turn a heart into a dust...and then you have to sacrifice a virgin...and then you have to find the secret key and the warp whistle somewhere, I guess?"''
** James: ''I swear, it's like the costume and makeup designers Google'd "Robert Smith cosplayer" and based their design on that."''
** Damien: ''"Lilly's blood is in the shape of a heart. I'm begging SOMETHING in this movie to be subtle. ONE THING."''
** Damien: ''"The problem here is the guy playing Pestilence has clearly had martial arts training...and EdwardFurlong is Edward Furlong."''

** James: ''"Has there ever in the history of humanity been a more asinine cause-and-effect sentence ever constructed?"'' (In response to the line, ''"If you don't make more cheese puffs, you're grounded!!!"'')
** James: ''"She says to Trent, 'The investor meeting isn't going well, and I don't have cheese puffs!' What in the name of {{Film/Zardoz}} do those two halves of that sentence have to do with each other??? That's like saying, 'The basketball game I was watching was boring, and I have a pumpkin pie to eat!'"''

** Damien: ''"How did [Piccolo] escape? Where was he hiding this sweet airship? Where was this assistant girl of his while he was trapped? Did she help him escape? Did he recruit her after he escaped? How does no one notice the airship up there?"''
** Damien: ''"This high school science class is learning about solar eclipses... Is this Science -101?"'' James: ''"Remedial astronomy?"''
** Damien: ''"'Alright, next scene, let's move on, woo!' Actual excerpt from every page of this script."''
** Damien: ''"It's a movie high school party, so of course it's at a goddamned mansion with studio lighting."''
** James: ''"A fight where the "protagonist" throws not a single punch...is the best fight...in a ''Dragonball'' movie. Wowsers."''
** Damien: ''"You know what this extremely rushed, lazily adapted movie full of underdeveloped characters needed?"'' James: ''"Would that be more characters?"'' Damien: ''"Another character! Yamcha, you know everyone's favorite character if no other ''Dragonball'' character ever existed?"''

** James: ''"This is the very be--...well, the sec--...okay, the 38th best in 1997 computer-generated effects."''
** James: ''"Apparently, being trapped in a lightning bubble just causes you to look befuddled and move in slow-motion."''

** James: ''"This backwoods-ass family consisting of Robo-Hick, Leatherdrag, Tone-Deaf Woman, and'' Bartlett's Familiar Quotations ''Subscriber of the Month has a working fire extinguisher?!"''

** James: ''"The taller brother is wearing the exact hat from the 'Scumbag' Internet meme."''
** Damien: ''"This scene is only here to show us that she's smarter than her stepbrothers. She pulls a money-switch trick that anyone working retail for more than two hours would roll their eyes at."''
** Damien: ''"So, then it's a montage...with honky-tonk piano..."'' James: ''"It's like royalty-free Billy Joel Casio keyboard preset."'' Damien: ''"...of a horse running around confused. This movie has more padding than a fucking Tempur-pedic store."''

** James: ''There are more EXTREME CLOSEUPS in this movie than retcons in the'' Highlander '' franchise.''
** Damien: (imitating the insane old woman at the end of the movie) '' 'You're here to steal my magic beans! Begone, foul demon!!!' Her acting performance is STELLAR."''
** James: ''"My only note for this is: Mark Wahlberg asks permission from a plastic plant to be able to use the bathroom in a model house where nothing is real."'' Damien: ''"That should be the IMDb synopsis for this movie."''

** Damien: ''"Joe Marshall is what you would get if you somehow combined Rod from'' {{Film/Birdemic}} ''and [[YorTheHunterfromtheFuture Yor]]. He somehow manages to be a complete black hole of charisma, whilst at the same time soaking the undergarments of every single fucking female he comes in contact with and killing everything in sight."''
** Damien: ''"Then a lawyer shows up, then Joe and Frank show up, then the editor shows up and realizes he still hasn't gotten paid, so he leaves again."''
** Damien: (speaking about the bizarre gay host at the restaurant) ''"To call this man a gay stereotype seems like an insult to the tactful and subdued gay stereotypes found in any other media."'''

** Damien: '' "Santa then goes, 'Man, we've tried everything!' .......yep. All the things that exist. In the world. A gorilla, a donkey, a pig and a sheep. This is everything. That is the...Anti-Life Equation. The amount of effort that is expended to actually try to get these things to work here is about the same amount of effort I expend when a customer tells me to check in the back for something I know we don't have."''
** Damien: ''"Mr. Digger says, 'I've been captivated by you since the minute I saw you.' Yeah, I tell you, the way she just stares off into space and reads those cue cards..."''
** James: (imitating a random kid on the beach, and then Santa) ''"Santa, what does the merry-go-round and stuff have to do with having faith that everything will turn out alright?" "Ho, ho, ho! Shut the f-ck up, you little sh-t!"''
** James: ''"The lip-synching here can best be described as an afterthought. This is PAINFULLY bad."''

** Damien: ''"ONE gang member died...California LOSES ITS SH-T."''
** Damien: ''"Our cop character, Agent MacPherson, who looks like David Tennant's uglier brother, if that uglier brother had some sort of mutant baby with Billie Joe Armstrong, along with his partner, Agent Henderson, who looks like an extra from ''{{Film/The Matrix}}''. Okay, I have never tried out to be an FBI person, but I imagine it takes a lot of f-cking time. They probably don't just hand out jobs to 25-year-olds. This guy looks like he's 25!!! Like, he wrote his thesis on his favorite Death Cab for Cutie album. He's wearing a f-cking jacket...the stupidest f-cking haircut, some sh-tty band shirt of a band I can't even see. And like...sneakers! THIS is our tough cop character???"''

** Damien: ''"So, then it's a montage...with honky-tonk piano..."'' James: ''"It's like royalty-free Billy Joel Casio keyboard preset."'' Damien: ''"...of a horse running around confused. This movie has more padding than a f-cking Tempur-pedic store."''

** Damien: ''"Joe Marshall is what you would get if you somehow combined Rod from'' {{Film/Birdemic}} ''and [[YorTheHunterfromtheFuture Yor]]. He somehow manages to be a complete black hole of charisma, whilst at the same time soaking the undergarments of every single f--ing female he comes in contact with and killing everything in sight."''

** Damien: ''"How did [Piccolo] escape? Where was he hiding this sweet airship? Where was this assistant girl of his while he was trapped? Did she help him escape? Did he recruit her after he escaped? How does no notice the airship up there?"''

** James: (imitating a random kid on the beach, and then Santa) ''"Santa, what does the merry-go-round and stuff have to do with having faith that everything will turn out alright?" "Ho, ho, ho! Shut the f-ck up, you little sh-t!"''