History Quotes / TheAllegedCar

-->-- The opening to ''[[VideoGame/{{Skylanders}} Skylanders: Giants]]''

-->-- '''Music/{{Madness}}''', "Driving In My Car"

->''Oh P-76\\
Leyland P-76\\
You are the very pits and I dislike you.\\
Your ugliness is legendary,\\
Your existence is a joke.\\
You never ever should have been built at all.\\
Oh, uglier, much uglier than an old Toyota Crown.\\
Even more of a tank than a Charger.\\
More horrible to contemplate than a panel van with beach scenes\\
With an engine like a sick 120Y.\\
Just the very sight of you makes people want to spew.\\
You haven't got a friend in the world.\\
You're a dud, you're a shocker\\
on a par with an Austin Tasman\\
And the folks who designed you should take a good hard look at themselves.\\
Completely more offensive than a four-cylinder Torana\\
Even less class than a rusty Hillman Hunter.\\
Nowhere near as good as a Combi with the wheels off.\\
You are the very terriblest car of all.''
-->-- '''Greg Champion''', to the tune of "[[Music/{{Donovan}} Universal Soldier]]"

Piece of fucked-with shit with the fuckin' yellow plates, you are going to start for me!

I'm gonna start the ignition, I'm gonna point you in one direction,

->Satan's on my engine, Beelzebub's in my trunk \\
Mephistopheles at the wheel because I'm too gosh darn drunk \\
Baal's my passenger and Lucifer's beside him \\
I got demons in the coolant, I got bats in the transmission\\
This Escort needs an exorcism, Pan is to blame \\
Got a car full of pain!
-->-- '''Music/TheArrogantWorms''', "Car Full of Pain"

->I can't take this kind of pressure\\
I must confess one more dusty road would be just a road too long

->'''What do we like about this car?''' The fact that it's so unreliable, it keeps you from driving too far. We think that's a good thing, and far too uncommon with today's cars. The MG encourages you to walk, and you won't waste gas either, because you're not going to take this car anywhere you don't positively, absolutely have to go.\\
\\
'''Who should buy an MG?''' Anyone with a death wish and too much time on his hands.
-->-- The ''Radio/CarTalk'' website, reviewing Tommy's [[http://www.cartalk.com/content/tommys-mg-td-1952 MG TD Roadster]]

->''"You're going to blow a tire. It's a given. Any mechanical part that moves is going to break. U-joints, suspension parts, air conditioners - everything breaks. You start to wonder: Was it ever truly working? Is its natural state what we call "working," or perhaps ''[[{{Koan}} was it always meant to be broken?]]'' It's downright goddamn philosophical. Wait, no - annoying. That's what it is."''
-->-- '''Website/{{Cracked}}''', [[http://www.cracked.com/article_20823_6-things-you-learn-detonating-roadside-bombs-living.html "6 Things You Learn Detonating Roadside Bombs For A Living"]]

->''"It was a bucket, but fuck it, it had to do!"''
-->-- '''Music/IceT''', "Midnight"

->''"I'd rather be a [[MemeticMutation bus wanker]] than drive that piece of yellow shit."''
-->-- '''Bus Wanker''', ''Series/TheInbetweeners''

->''"Newt’s car was a Wasabi. He called it Dick Turpin, in the hope that one day someone would ask him why.''[[note]]Dick Turpin was an 18th century highwayman, Newt's joke is "[[PunnyName because everywhere I go, I hold up traffic]]"[[/note]]
->''It would be a very accurate historian who could pinpoint the precise day when the Japanese changed from being [[ShoddyKnockoffProduct fiendish automatons who copied everything from the West]], to becoming [[JapanTakesOverTheWorld skilled and cunning engineers who would leave the West standing]]. But the Wasabi had been designed on that one confused day, and combined the traditional bad points of most Western cars with a host of innovative disasters the avoidance of which had made firms like Honda and Toyota what they were today.''
->''Newt had never actually seen another one on the road, despite his best efforts. For years, and without much conviction, he’d enthused to his friends about its economy and efficiency in the desperate hope that one of them might buy one, because misery loves company.''
->''In vain did he point out its [[OurProductSucks 823cc engine, its three-speed gearbox]], [[NoProductSafetyStandards its incredible safety devices]] like the balloons which inflated on dangerous occasions such as when you were doing 45 mph on a straight dry road but were about to crash because a huge safety balloon had just obscured the view. He’d also wax slightly lyrical about the Korean-made radio, which picked up Radio Pyongyang incredibly well, and the simulated electronic voice [[DelayedSafetyFeature which warned you about not wearing a seatbelt even when you were]]; it had been programmed by [[BlindIdiotTranslation someone who not only didn’t understand English, but didn’t understand Japanese either.]] It was [[BlatantLies state of the art]], he said.''
->''The art in this case was probably pottery.''
->''His friends nodded and agreed and privately decided that [[WouldRatherSuffer if ever it came to buying a Wasabi or walking, they’d invest in a pair of shoes]]; it came to the same thing anyway, since one reason for the Wasabi’s [[NeverNeedsSharpening incredible m.p.g. was that fact that it spent a lot of time waiting in garages]] while crankshafts and things were in the post from the world’s only surviving Wasabi agent in Nigirizushi, Japan."''
-->-- ''Literature/GoodOmens''


->I like driving in my car.\\
It's not quite a Jaguar.\\
I bought it at Primose Hill.\\
From a bloke from Brazil.
-->-- '''Music/{{Madness}}''', "Driving In My Car"

->'''Mark''': How could you run out of gas?\\
'''Andy''': The gauge is busted. When I fill up, I zero out the trip odometer so I know how many miles before I need to fill up again.\\
'''Mark''': So what happened?\\
'''Andy''': The trip odometer's busted too. Piece of garbage car.

->'''STUPID CAR!'''\\
You never get me very far, when\\
You decide driving to the store is a mortal sin.\\
'''PIECE OF CRAP!'''\\
I guess you want a piece of me,\\
Since you're leaving all your pieces in the middle of the street,\\
You '''HEAP OF JUNK!'''\\
I don't know what I'm gonna do;\\
I just hope that I don't have to take another day of driving '''YOU...!'''
-->-- '''Music/{{Psychostick}}''', "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwOWNxb6viU&list=FLM2CFpnQLwo2DUJ6zebbNmA&index=15 Two Ton Paperweight]]"

->Piece-of-shit car, I got a piece-of-shit car\\
The fucking pile of shit never gets me very far\\
My car's a big piece of shit cuz the shocks are fucking shot\\
And the seatbelt's fucking broken; I got to tie it in a knot (It's a piece of shit!)\\
I can't see through the windshield, cuz it's got a big fucking crack\\
And the interior smells real bad cuz my friend puked in the back (It's a piece of shit!)
-->-- '''Creator/AdamSandler''', "Ode to My Car"

->''"The problem, as it turns out, is that a spring has busted on a switch (which is conveniently labeled. In Sharpie.) and it's stayed on. Which is, in many ways, the full establishment of the [[Series/DoctorWho TARDIS]] - on the one hand, it is a magical box that can think and communicate with its inhabitants. On the other hand, it can accidentally have a spring get stuck and proceed to nearly explode. Which is, shall we say, a bit of a design flaw."''
-->-- '''El Sandifer''', "[[{{Recap/DoctorWhoS1E3TheEdgeOfDestruction}} The Edge of Destruction]]"

->'''Tracy''': It's very... rustic.\\
'''Paul''': More rust than ic, I'm afraid.

->'''Dr. Possible:''' Ah, they don't make them like this anymore!\\
'''Ron Stoppable:''' Not since the recall!
-->-- ''WesternAnimation/KimPossible''

-->-- '''Jimmy [=McGill=]''', ''Series/BetterCallSaul'', "Uno"

->'''Crazy Vaclav''': She'll do 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene.\\
'''Homer''': (''fiddling with Cyrillic gear display'') What country is this car from?\\
'''Vaclav''': [[BalkanizeMe It no longer exists.]]
-->-- ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'', "[[http://www.videobash.com/video_show/crazy-vaclav-s-place-of-automobiles-652217 Mr. Plow]]".

->'''Peter:''' I can't believe you bought another Granada Mark II.\\
'''Gary:''' What do you mean?\\
'''Peter:''' This looks exactly like the car I sold you in 1989.\\
'''Gary:''' This ''is'' the car you sold me in 1989. Best 300 quid I ever spent.\\
'''Steven:''' This is ''The Beast''?\\
'''Gary:''' Yeah. Pretty much. I mean, she's had a bit of work done. I had to replace the brakes, suspension, exhaust, seats, wheel, panelling, carburettor, manifold, the whole engine, really, mirrors, headlamps - other than that, [[TheseusShipParadox she's the same old motor]].
-->--''Film/TheWorldsEnd''

->Running the program around the clock is causing problems, which just proves how awesome [[Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine Quark's holosuite]] is, given that Vicks ran for months without problems, while [[Recap/StarTrekVoyagerS6E11FairHaven Fair Haven]] has run for less than two - and is causing no end of issues. Now sure there's a size discrepancy at work here, but the brand-new state-of-the-art starship is having trouble keeping up with ''' ''a small-time bar.'' ''' The more we learn about ''Voyager'', the more I think this ship was built solely to get somebody re-elected. You know how it works: the gel-packs are made on Betazed, the plasma manifolds are made on Earth, the consoles are made on Andoria, and this unneeded piece of junk was just rushed through to ensure the mid-terms went well and that they could ''' ''say'' ''' that they were developing state-of-the-art ships even though their [[HolodeckMalfunction holodecks are inferior]] to one that was patched with a spatula!
-->--'''Website/SFDebris''' on ''Series/StarTrekVoyager,'' "[[Recap/StarTrekVoyagerS6E17SpiritFolk Spirit Folk]]"

->''"I tried to put the top up, for privacy, but something was wrong with the motor. The generator light had been on, fiery red, ever since I'd driven the thing into Lake Mead on a water test. A quick run along the the dashboard disclosed that every circuit in the car was totally fucked. Nothing worked. Not even the headlights — and when I hit the air conditioner button I heard a nasty explosion under the hood."''
-->-- The final condition of the formerly CoolCar called the White Whale, ''Literature/FearAndLoathingInLasVegas''

->Oh P-76\\
Leyland P-76\\
You are the very pits and I dislike you.\\
Your ugliness is legendary,\\
Your existence is a joke.\\
You never ever should have been built at all.\\
Oh, uglier, much uglier than an old Toyota Crown.\\
Even more of a tank than a Charger.\\
More horrible to contemplate than a panel van with beach scenes\\
With an engine like a sick 120Y.\\
Just the very sight of you makes people want to spew.\\
You haven't got a friend in the world.\\
You're a dud, you're a shocker\\
on a par with an Austin Tasman\\
And the folks who designed you should take a good hard look at themselves.\\
Completely more offensive than a four-cylinder Torana\\
Even less class than a rusty Hillman Hunter.\\
Nowhere near as good as a Combi with the wheels off.\\
You are the very terriblest car of all.
-->--'''Greg Champion''', to the tune of "[[Music/{{Donovan}} Universal Soldier]]"

->Four door nightmare, trunk locks' stuck\\
Big dice on the mirror, grill like a truck\\
Lifters tickin', accelerator's stickin'\\
Somethin' on my left front wheel keeps clickin'\\
Picked up the girlies, now we're eight deep\\
Cars barely movin', but now we got heat
-->-- '''Music/SirMixALot''', "My Hooptie"

->"Hello, I'm [[CaptainErsatz Jackie Stupid]]! Today I'm being taken for a ride, just like you were when you bought this new Recall!"\\
''It's the new Recall, the sub-standard compact from Kamikaze Motors.''\\
"And this is no ordinary drive! We're headed to the edge of the Grand Canyon to test the new plastic brake system, with the look of real metal, that's raised so many eyebrows among surviving, American consumers!"\\
''This is the Kamikaze Recall, voted the Most Advertised Car by Road and Hearse Magazine''\\
"Here comes the edge, time to hit the brakes! [[OhCrap Oh I already have.]] It's time for me to get out!"\\
''[[GagEcho Get out]] and get going... to your Kamikaze dealer!''\\
"True to form the door is hopelessly jammed, but this seat belt is broken so I can use it to smash through the window that never opens!" [glass smashes] "[[SoLongSuckers So long laddie!]]"\\
''[[{{Foreshadowing}} The Kamikaze Recall is a proud sponsor of this game.]]''
-->--'''Creator/TheFiresignTheater''', "Eat or Be Eaten - Getting In (Kamikaze Motors)"

->You got a great car\\
Yeah, what's wrong with it today?
-->-- '''Music/TheDandyWarhols''', "Bohemian Like You"

->Now the headlight was another sight\\

But when we pulled out the switch all three of 'em come on\\
\\

Well, that's when we noticed that we only had one tail-fin
-->-- One Piece at a Time, '''Music/JohnnyCash'''

'''Flynn''': Seemed kinda desperate to get rid of it actually.

->''[Mortadelo and Filemón are about to come aboard a rickety freighter]''\\
'''Filemón:''' Well, at least these metal sheets look resistant... ''[taps one of them with his fingers, which promptly falls off the hull and onto him]''\\
'''Mortadelo:''' "Resistant..." Heh! We better not crash into a sardine.
-->-- ''ComicBook/MortadeloYFilemon'', "El carguero Chatárrez"

->''"The only way that's a five-hundred dollar car is if there's a three-hundred dollar hooker inside of it!"''