History Quotes / MortonsFork

'''Turkish:''' I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID, TOMMY!! [[LampshadeHanging It ain't like we've got a choice, is it?]] You show me how to control a [[RoguishRomani wild fuckin' gypsy,]] and I'll show ''you'' how to control an [[AxCrazy unhinged]] pig-feedin' gangster! [[ScrewThisImOutOfHere Fuck me, I'm going for a walk!]]

->''"If we stay, the charges we face may carry long prison sentences, and I believe [[KangarooCourt the prosecution has an axe to grind]]. If we run, though, we'll be running from one of the largest militaries in the Western Spiral Arm, and they'll be ''swinging'' the axe."''
-->-- '''Captain Tagon''', ''Webcomic/SchlockMercenary''

->'''Zuko:''' If the Earth Kingdom finds us, they'll have us killed!\\
'''Iroh:''' But if the Fire Nation finds us, we'll be turned over to ''[[TheDreaded Azula]].''\\
''({{beat}})''\\
'''Zuko:''' Earth Kingdom it is.
-->-- ''WesternAnimation/AvatarTheLastAirbender''

->'''Del Boy:''' If you think I'm staying in a lead-lined nissen hut with you and Grandad, and a chemical bloody khazi, you've got another thing coming!\\
'''Rodney Trotter:''' Yeah, but if we leave the shelter before two years, we'll die of radiation poisoning.\\
'''Del Boy:''' And if we stay ''inside'' the shelter for two years, we'll die of bloody lead poisoning!
-->-- ''Series/OnlyFoolsAndHorses'', "[[Recap/OnlyFoolsAndHorsesS1E06TheRussiansAreComing The Russians are Coming]]"

->'''Captain Harris:''' We can't reach the bomb, we can't land. And if we stay up here, we get radiation poisoning. Whichever way you look at it, we don't stand a chance.\\
'''Commander Norman:''' They haven't got a chance. We've just got to sit here and wait for them to die.
-->-- ''Series/{{Thunderbirds}}'', "[[Recap/ThunderbirdsS1E1TrappedInTheSky Trapped In The Sky]]"

->"A spy emerged from a consumer focus test, revealing that Harmonix is considering a hundred and fifty to ''two'' hundred dollar price tag for the software, one guitar, a microphone, and the fanciful drum apparatus. People seemed to like this better [than ''VideoGame/RockBand'' costing three hundred dollars], but only marginally so - the way one might prefer to be stabbed than shot. Optimally, one isn't stabbed ''or'' shot. Optimally, one eats some cake! But there are times when cake is not available, and instead we are destroyed. This is the deep poetry of the universe."
-->-- ''Webcomic/PennyArcade'', [[https://www.penny-arcade.com/news/post/2007/05/21/the-rising-cost-of-rock "The Rising Cost of Rock" news post]]

->'''Cadet:''' What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?\\
'''Lisa:''' Is there any answer I can give that won't result in you making me do more push-ups?\\
''(Cadets talk amongst themselves for a few seconds)''\\
'''Cadet:''' No.
-->-- ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'', "[[Recap/TheSimpsonsS8E25TheSecretWarOfLisaSimpson The Secret War of Lisa Simpson]]"

->''"Damned if you do, damned if you don't."''
-->-- '''Unknown'''

->"Heads, I win; tails, you lose."
-->-- '''Unknown'''

->'''Sissel:''' All right, then. Four minutes from now... this chair will short out and explode, and you'll die.\\
'''Jowd:''' Very sad.\\
'''Sissel:''' If I stop the explosion, you'll still be executed, and you'll still die.\\
'''Jowd:''' Sorry I was ever born.\\
'''Sissel:''' I have to [[TakeAThirdOption protect you from the explosion and stop the execution]]... (the key to the whole thing must be this chair.)\\
'''Jowd:''' I apologize for all your trouble.\\
'''Sissel:''' Uh, could you stop with the insincere comments?
-->-- ''VideoGame/GhostTrick''

->''Victim of collision on the open sea\\
Nobody ever said life was free\\
Sink, swim, go down with the ship\\
But use your freedom of choice''
-->-- ''Music/{{Devo}}'', "Freedom of Choice"

->''"Like choosing between plague or cholera."''
-->-- '''Swedish proverb'''

->'''Grant:''' OW! Why do ''I'' get hit whenever ''he'' says something?!\\
'''[=Girem6=]:''' Semantics. [[IWillPunishYourFriendForYourFailure Hitting the partner of the offender encourages discipline.]]\\
'''Grant:''' Oh... well in that case, those boots make you look fat.\\
''*Grant gets body slammed by another mook*''\\
'''Grant:''' OW! Why'd I get hit that time?!\\
'''[=Girem6=]:''' Because I blame your friend for that comment.
-->-- ''WebAnimation/{{Smashtasm}}''

->''"Do you stand? Do you duck? Either way, you're fucked!! The decisions you make in this game are like... say you're standing in a pool full of piss, all the way up to your neck. Then suddenly a guy comes in with a bucket full of shit to dump on your head. So, what do you do? Do you duck down under the piss, or do you stay up and take on the shit?"''
-->-- '''WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd''' on ''VideoGame/DragonsLair [[PortingDisaster (NES)]]''

->'''Gordy:''' You see, Ned, fighting against a girl is a lose-lose situation.\\
'''Ned:''' What do you mean?\\
'''Gordy:''' Well, if you lose, ''*singsong*'' then you got beat up by a girl! But if you win, ''*sounds horrified*'' then, dude, you just beat up a ''girl!''
-->-- ''Series/NedsDeclassifiedSchoolSurvivalGuide''

->'''Hiccup:''' Okay, so, the Thorston challenge. When is Ruffnut going to pay up?\\
'''Tuffnut:''' She already has. Can't you tell? I mean, look at her. She lost, so, she had to swap clothes with me!\\
'''Hiccup:''' ...Right. And if you had lost?\\
'''Tuffnut:''' Ugh. I'd have to swap clothes with ''her''.
-->--''[[Recap/DragonsRidersOfBerkS3E4WhenDarknessFalls Dragons: Race to the Edge S3 E4]]''

->''Attention. All honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.''
-->--'''Principal Skinner''', ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons''

->''"I feel like this sums up Creator/TelltaleGames in a nutshell: '''In the end, despite not picking her to live, she died anyway.'''"''
-->--'''WebVideo/{{Jacksepticeye}}''', on the ending of ''VideoGame/TheWalkingDead: A New Frontier''

->''"Did you know that in the 18th century, the English tested witches by throwing them into the river? If they drowned, they were innocent; if they floated, they were guilty. Some test! Even if you didn't sink, [[{{Pun}} you were sunk]]."''
-->--'''Phyllis Diller''', ''Series/TheMouseFactory''

->''"Never! You must choose, Sheriff Woody! How shall [Bo Peep] die? [[ThreateningShark Shark?]] Or...[[ManiacMonkeys death by monkeys?]]"''
-->-- '''Evil Dr. Porkchop''', in one of Andy's playtime scenarios, ''WesternAnimation/ToyStory2''

->"''When the fighting in the North is over, ''someone wins'', you understand that, don't you? If the dead win, they march South, and kill us all. If the ''living'' win, and we've betrayed them... '''they march South and kill us all'''!''"
-->--'''Jaime Lannister''', ''Series/GameOfThrones''

->'''Tommy:''' [''on a [[ThrowingTheMatch rigged boxing match]]''] What happens if the gypsy [[OffTheRails knocks the other man out?]] I mean, he's done it before, hasn't he?\\
'''Turkish:''' [[YouHaveFailedMe We get murdered before we leave the building]] and I imagine we get [[FedToPigs fed to the pigs]].\\
'''Tommy:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Well, I'm glad to see]] ''[[DeadpanSnarker you're]]'' [[DeadpanSnarker climbing the walls in fuckin' anxiety.]] Pardon my cynicism, but I don't exactly trust the pikey.\\
'''Turkish:''' Don't think I haven't thunk about that one, Tommy. It's his mum's funeral tonight, God bless her. [[DrowningMySorrows You know those gypsies like a drink at a wake]]: I'm not worried about whether Mickey knocks the other man out... I'm worried about whether Mickey makes it to the fourth fuckin' round.\\
'''Tommy:''' What if he ''doesn't'' make it to the fourth round?\\
'''Turkish:''' [[BrutalHonesty We get murdered before we leave the building and I imagine we get fed to the pigs]].\\
'''Tommy:''' So why are you so calm? I just said-\\
'''Turkish:''' I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID, TOMMY!! [[LampshadeHanging It ain't like we've got a choice, is it?]] You show me how to control a [[RoguishRomani wild fuckin' gypsy,]] and I'll show ''you'' how to control an [[AxCrazy unhinged]] pig-feedin' gangster! [[ScrewThisImOutOfHere Fuck me, I'm going for a walk!]]
-->--''Film/{{Snatch}}''

->''[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere If we run]], they will claw us into the dirt and their hounds will gnaw the gristle from our bones.\\
[[WhiteFlag If we surrender]], they will bind and bleed us, and Minotaurs will feast on our flesh.\\
[[DefiantToTheEnd If we fight]], they will hack and rip and bight and butcher, and they will swallow our still-beating hearts.\\
So many deaths. Which will we choose?''
-->--'''Blind Nowl, the Seer of Parravon,''' ''TabletopGame/{{Warhammer}}: Beastmen Army Book (8th edition)''

->''Aimy particularly took grim delight in asking every Acolyte she saw if they thought her hair looked funny, then doing mean things to anyone who gave the wrong answer. There wasn't a right one.
-->-- ''Fanfic/AllGuardsmenParty'', "Tyranid Acquisition Experts"''

->The royal guard was armed and mounted without delay; Arneth rode to meet the lines of men in the yard, two dozen guards armed from helmet to metal bootheel, waiting for his order. He surveyed them a moment, thinking. Against [[MasterOfIllusion a very clever and annoying yet harmless trickster]], they were overpowering: the king's mailed fist hammering down to [[PoliceBrutality crush an ephemeral pleasure]]. Set against a great magical power, they would be helpless; [[RedshirtArmy they would be destroyed]]. Either way, as a threat or weapon, they were useless.
-->--''Literature/OdMagic'', by Patricia A. [=MacKillip=]

->''"...This is another one of those moments where it really doesn't matter what I have to say, isn't it?"''
-->--'''The Warrior of Light''', ''VideoGame/FinalFantasyXIV''

->'''Kendra:''' Let's go over this one more time.\\
'''Lucy:''' Okay.\\
'''Kendra:''' If he does it and I let him...\\
'''Lucy:''' [[SlutShaming You're a slut]].\\
'''Kendra:''' Right. And if he wants to and I stop him...\\
'''Lucy:''' You're a tease.\\
'''Kendra:''' God! And if I let him and I like it...\\
'''Lucy:''' You're a skank!\\
'''Kendra:''' ''Wow''.
-->-- ''Theatre/{{Thirteen}}''

->''"Hey, look friend, let's just cut the shit. Now we both know why I was transferred. Everybody thinks I'm suicidal, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm fucked and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm fucked."''
-->--'''Martin Riggs''', ''Film/LethalWeapon1987''

->''Either we complete a government project, [[TheMillstone which is abhorrent to me]], or we bring a new person into the department, which [[StrawmanPolitical repulses me to my core]]. Reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my sixth birthday. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them... and they were delicious.''
-->-- '''Ron Swanson''', ''Series/ParksAndRecreation''

->'''Bart:''' Lisa, I gotta tell somebody. I was at the Quimby compound yesterday when that frog waiter get whacked. I know that Freddy Quimby is innocent.\\

-->--''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'', "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"

->''"This is an actual, salient criticism of liberal democracy. Say what you will about fascist autocracy, but at least it means a bunch of ignorant people can't accidentally vote in a moron and completely destroy their society. Instead, you have one strong, charismatic leader destroying your society."''
-->-- '''WebVideo/HBomberguy''', "Fallout New Vegas is Genius and Here's Why"

->''Just the kind of duplicity I'd expect from Luthor. Both doors spell disaster-- And either way, I lose... unless I go back the way I came--''
-->-- '''ComicBook/{{Supergirl}}''', ''ComicBook/TheStrangeRevengeOfLenaLuthor''

->'''Scrooge:''' Would you rather I'd let you pass or made you immortal?\\
'''Fergus:''' Neither is satisfactory. A thoughtful son would know that.
-->-- ''WesternAnimation/DuckTales2017''

->''"Come on out, Morphix! There's only two ways this can end, and in both of them, ''you die''!"''
-->-- '''Duke Nukem''', ''VideoGame/DukeNukemManhattanProject''

->'''Olga:''' I am damned either way, so why even give me a choice?\\
'''Kyril:''' We all have a choice. Even if the choices are bad and worse, it is still your decision to make. Some find it liberating, others do not.''
-->-- ''Fanfic/TheNightUnfurls''

->'''Jonathan:''' Do you make it a habit of having private conversations with my high school-age daughter, ''sir''?\\
'''Thomas:''' I assure you, this is the first time she's called me. Your daughter has impeccable manners, and is well aware of how easily she could damage her own reputation by spending too much time in the company of an unmarried man. Nothing untoward is happening between us.\\
'''Jonathan:''' So you admit that poor behavior is the first thing your mind goes to when my daughter is involved?\\
'''Thomas:''' Is there any route out of this conversation which fails to permit you to paint me as a monster?
-->-- ''Literature/InCryptid'', "Halfway through the Wood"

->"Will that be cash or cash?"
-->-- '''Eddy''', ''WesternAnimation/EdEddNEddy''

->''"You present me with a two pronged road! One leads to hell, and the other also leads to hell!"''
-->-- '''Kevin the Mighty''', ''WebAnimation/HunterTheParenting'', "Big D's guide to avoiding arrest"

->'''Dreyfus:''' You're saying I am guilty because the handwriting is mine.\\
'''Bertillon:''' Yes.\\
'''Dreyfus:''' But I'm equally guilty if the handwriting isn't mine.\\
'''Bertillon:''' Yes.
-->-- ''Film/AnOfficerAndASpy''

->"Alright you arachnid asshole, this can end in one of two ways, and in both of them, you die. So you wanna do this the easy way, or the hard way?"
-->-- '''Asuka''', ''Fanfic/RiseOfTheMinisukas''

->''If you're expecting me now to explain what I think about [[[ShockingDefeatLegacy Russia's retreat from the Ukrainian city of Kherson]]], I'm not going to tell you anything. But I'll explain why. If I support the decision, and say the Ministry of Defense is acting correctly by leaving Kherson, then I'm "publicly calling for Russia's territorial integrity to be violated." In our criminal code that's Article 280 Part 1. I specially checked this morning. Several years in prison. And if I ''don't'' support the decision and think the Ministry of Defense has done the wrong thing by leaving Kherson, then I'm "publicly discrediting the Armed Forces," which is also Article 280, but Part 3. With approximately the same jail term. I don't ''want'' to go to prison. So now [[TakeAThirdOption we'll watch a report and then I'll hand over to our dear experts]].''
-->--'''Russian TV host Andrei Norkin''', doing all he can to avoid commenting on the retreat from Kherson during the invasion of Ukraine

->''It was several nights after that when the cry came from the Regent's room. The sorrowful wail shook through the entire building, waking everyone from their sleep. Some contemplated going to investigate, but none could summon the courage. Outside the locked door, the two soldiers guarding the Regent came to an unspoken understanding: The door would remain closed. They refused to contemplate what had occurred, for if the Regent had died that meant that the charade was over, and if he lived they would be punished for intruding on him. The only option was to do as they had been told, and guard the door.''
-->-- ''VideoGame/TheNewOrderLastDaysOfEurope''

->'''Banion:''' You realize that you have just admitted to all your guests that you and I are having an affair.\\
'''Elodie:''' What?\\
'''Banion:''' If you don't marry me now, your virtue will be stained.\\
'''Elodie:''' I am already engaged!\\
'''Banion:''' Then your honor is compromised no matter what you do. You should have been more careful.
-->-- ''VisualNovel/LongLiveTheQueen'', if Elodie is duped into dancing with Banion while she is already engaged to Talarist

->''"It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like we always have to be extraordinary. But somehow, we're always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin, and you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood but always stand out. And always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged, so find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard, it's too contradictory, and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you. And it turns out, in fact, that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault. I'm just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing a woman...then I don't even know."''
-->-- '''Gloria''', ''Film/{{Barbie|2023}}''

->'''Stinky Diver:''' Hey, Master Pu! How's it hanging?\\
'''Master Pu:''' Stinkhopper! Have you forgotten all your training? When addressing one's master, one must always bow!\\
'''Stinky Diver:''' ''(bowing)'' Uh, yeah... Right... Sorry, Master Pu!\\
''(Master Pu kicks him in the face)''\\
'''Master Pu:''' Also: never take your eyes off your opponent!
-->--''WesternAnimation/ActionLeagueNow'', "Flippers of Fury"

->''Which one should I own? I'm still not sold\\
I got these console trolls at my throat\\
They're gonna crucify me either way I go\\
[[TakeAThirdOption So screw you all, I'm gonna buy 'em both!]]''
-->--- '''Music/JTMusic''', "The Next Console War"

->'''Paul Kirby:''' What're you doing? [[RaptorAttack Those things]] are after us because of those!\\
'''Dr. Grant:''' ''Those things'' know we have the eggs. We drop them in the river, they would still be after us.\\
'''Paul Kirby:''' What if they catch us with them?\\
'''Dr. Grant:''' What if they catch us ''without'' them?
-->--''Film/JurassicParkIII''

->'''Producer''': So now Set is going to run everything?\\
'''Screenwriter''': He is, so he tells the people of Egypt, "[[KneelBeforeZod Either bow to me]], or [[MadeASlave become slaves]]."\\
'''Producer''': So what happens to the people that bow to him?\\
'''Screenwriter''': He makes them into slaves.\\
'''Producer''': Oh, sneaky!
-->--''WebVideo/ScreenRantPitchMeetings'', ''Film/GodsOfEgypt''

->''I've uncovered part of Emily's scheme with this party. It seems that if I participate in activities, my mind regresses. However, the more that I decline to participate, the more the magic of the party would 'encourage' me to play along. Until I figure out a clever workaround, I'm stuck either behaving like a little girl now, or being forced into it later. [[SarcasmMode Delightful.]]''
-->-- '''John''', ''Sleepover Makeover''

->'''[[YourTerroristsAreOurFreedomFighters Mistress Coyle]]''': If [The Spackle/The Land] overrun the Mayor's army, they'll just keep coming and kill the rest of us.\\
'''[[SixthRanger Bradley]]''': And if he beats them?\\
'''Mistress Coyle''': If he beats them, then his control over this planet will be absolute and that's not a place you'd ever want to live.\\
'''Bradley''': And what if ''you'' had absolute control over this planet? [[NotSoDifferentRemark What kind of place would that be]]?
-->--''Literature/ChaosWalking: Monsters of Men''

->'''Packie [=McReary=]:''' Give us that fucking ice, you're trapped. We'll let you go if you give 'em up.\\
'''Unnamed Bulgarin Henchman:''' I'm screwed either way. If I ''don't'' give you the diamonds, you kill me here and you take 'em. I ''do'' give you the diamonds, Mr. Bulgarin kills me later. Don't nobody having them. Screw ''all'' of you!\\
[''the henchman throws the diamonds off the walkway, where they land in the back of a dump truck'']
-->--''VideoGame/GrandTheftAutoIV'', "''Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend''"

->''If the enemy survives your charge swing [with the Half-Zatoichi] and they back up beyond your melee range,​ ​​you might have to make a difficult choice: Either you [[AttackAttackAttack hold W at them with your sword]] and probably die before you close the distance, or you take damage from Honorbound [to switch weapons] and probably die. [[TakeAThirdOption Or you do neither of those things]] and just run away and... probably die.''
-->-- '''[=SolarLight=]''' on ''VideoGame/TeamFortress2'', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbnNCD0Bzi0 Demoknight's Best Sword]]

'''Bradley''': And what if ''you'' had absolute control over this planet? What kind of place would that be?

->''"Which one should I own? I'm still not sold\\

[[TakeAThirdOption So screw you all, I'm gonna buy 'em both!]]"''

-->--'''LetsPlay/JackSepticEye''', on the ending of ''VideoGame/TheWalkingDead: A New Frontier''

'''Mr. Wallace:''' Considered him slimed.