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History Quotes / EmoPhillips

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-> ''I bought my girlfriend a ring. She said, "I don't like this ring." I said, "Well, you picked it out. It's not my fault you couldn't operate the little crane better."''

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->''My sister is dating a German man, and we went to a bagel shop, and he said "Oh, Emo, I can't get a good bagel like this back home in Germany", and I said "Well, whose fault is '''that'''?"''

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->''A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."''


->''The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.''

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->''The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.''''
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->''Friday afternoon, I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men build a new house. And the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.''

->''When I went off to college, my father said, "I'm going to miss you." I said, "Sure you will, now that I filed the sights off your rifle."''

->''I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.''

->''I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.... They don't know I'm only using blanks.''

->''At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.''

->''You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.''

->''New York's such a wonderful city, but at the library the guy was very rude. I said I'd like a card. He said, 'You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.' So I stabbed him.''

->''I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"''

->''And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"''

->''Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.''

->''My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.''

->''The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.''

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