Line #23 Quotes/EmoPhillips

Context Quotes / EmoPhillips

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1	->''Friday afternoon, I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men build a new house. And the guy hammering on the roof calls me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.''
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3	->''When I went off to college, my father said, "I'm going to miss you." I said, "Sure you will, now that I filed the sights off your rifle."''
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5	->''I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.''
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7	->''I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.... They don't know I'm only using blanks.''
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9	->''At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.''
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11	->''You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.''
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13	->''New York's such a wonderful city, but at the library the guy was very rude. I said I'd like a card. He said, 'You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.' So I stabbed him.''
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15	->''I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"''
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17	->''And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"''
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19	->''Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.''
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21	->''My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.''
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23	->''The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.''
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25	->''A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."''
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27	->''My sister is dating a German man, and we went to a bagel shop, and he said "I tell ya, Emo, it sure is hard to get a good bagel like this back home in Germany", and I said "Well, whose fault is '''that'''?"''
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29	-> ''I bought my girlfriend a ring. She said, "I don't like this ring." I said, "Well, you picked it out. It's not my fault you couldn't operate the little crane better."''

Context Quotes / EmoPhillips