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''Clarkson:''' Uuuugh! This, really- this is bad!
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-->''[Clarkson talks about a day on the farm]''
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-->''[Clarkson talks about a day on the farm]''farm]''\\
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[[folder:Season 1]]
!!Tractoring
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[[folder:Season 2]]
!!Surviving
!!Cowering
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!!Badgering
!!Council-ing
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!!Climaxing
!!Surviving
!!Cowering
!!Schmoozing
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!!Climaxing
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!!Surviving
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[[folder:Surviving]]
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[[folder:Other media]]
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!![=YouTube=]-exclusive videos
[[folder:Cowering]]
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[[folder:Schmoozing]]
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[[folder:Badgering]]
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[[folder:Council-ing]]
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[[folder:Counselling]]
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[[folder:Scheming]]
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!Other media
[[folder:[=YouTube=]-exclusive videos]]
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-->''[Clarkson talks about a day on the farm]''
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' It's peak summer, and a normal day on the farm now looks like this: I get up at 6:30 and after a hit of coffee set off to let the hens out of their houses.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Morning.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' On the way back I pick some mushrooms for my lunch, and then it's off to feed the fish. Back at home, I start work on the tomato sauce recipe I'm working on for the farm shop. I add a few chilis and some fresh coriander and leave it on a low heat to simmer, while I mend a fence that the hunt says it didn't knock over back in the winter. I then mow the wildflowers I sowed because that's what all gardeners do: wait till the plants are looking at their best and then prune them, so they don't look so good anymore. After this, I pick some vegetables for Lisa to sell to some customers we have in Atlanta, and I've even found a patch of rhubarb, so I pick that too. And I rush it to the shop...\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is the rhubarb that needs washing.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' ...where I throw away all the stuff I'd picked the day before because it doesn't sell because no one likes vegetables these days.\\
''[Clarkson waves to Gerald]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I then stir the tomato sauce before heading out to check on the bees.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Come on, off you go.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' And the sheep. And the lambs. And then I begin the big job of the day; there's always one. Today, I've gotta clear all the straw and the sheep feces out of the barn, but as I don't have a bucket for the front of the tractor, I have to ask Kaleb to get the snowplow out of the other barn.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Why can't you do it?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Because... the Lamborghini won't fit in here!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Right away I could tell he wasn't happy because he thinks my tractor's too complicated.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Your tractor's crap!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' And then when I'm having the mushrooms which I'd picked earlier and cooked in a cream sauce and served on sourdough toast, with some parsley from the garden, I get a call from my associates who say that the sheep have escaped and are on the road. So, I drive over there to find the sheep haven't escaped. But at least the plow is now fitted to the front of the tractor, so I head to the lambing barn and straight away I discovered it wouldn't fit in there either.\\
''[Clarkson's tractor hits the lambing barn's roof]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh shit!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I then fit an eighty-year-old deathtrap to the back of Lisa's tractor and use that instead. It's getting late now, so I rush home to add some seasoning to the tomato sauce, before heading out to feed the fish again... and collect the eggs. And then I hit the sack, knowing that soon... things are gonna get really busy.
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' It's peak summer, and a normal day on the farm now looks like this: I get up at 6:30 and after a hit of coffee set off to let the hens out of their houses.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Morning.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' On the way back I pick some mushrooms for my lunch, and then it's off to feed the fish. Back at home, I start work on the tomato sauce recipe I'm working on for the farm shop. I add a few chilis and some fresh coriander and leave it on a low heat to simmer, while I mend a fence that the hunt says it didn't knock over back in the winter. I then mow the wildflowers I sowed because that's what all gardeners do: wait till the plants are looking at their best and then prune them, so they don't look so good anymore. After this, I pick some vegetables for Lisa to sell to some customers we have in Atlanta, and I've even found a patch of rhubarb, so I pick that too. And I rush it to the shop...\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is the rhubarb that needs washing.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' ...where I throw away all the stuff I'd picked the day before because it doesn't sell because no one likes vegetables these days.\\
''[Clarkson waves to Gerald]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I then stir the tomato sauce before heading out to check on the bees.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Come on, off you go.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' And the sheep. And the lambs. And then I begin the big job of the day; there's always one. Today, I've gotta clear all the straw and the sheep feces out of the barn, but as I don't have a bucket for the front of the tractor, I have to ask Kaleb to get the snowplow out of the other barn.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Why can't you do it?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Because... the Lamborghini won't fit in here!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Right away I could tell he wasn't happy because he thinks my tractor's too complicated.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Your tractor's crap!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' And then when I'm having the mushrooms which I'd picked earlier and cooked in a cream sauce and served on sourdough toast, with some parsley from the garden, I get a call from my associates who say that the sheep have escaped and are on the road. So, I drive over there to find the sheep haven't escaped. But at least the plow is now fitted to the front of the tractor, so I head to the lambing barn and straight away I discovered it wouldn't fit in there either.\\
''[Clarkson's tractor hits the lambing barn's roof]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh shit!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I then fit an eighty-year-old deathtrap to the back of Lisa's tractor and use that instead. It's getting late now, so I rush home to add some seasoning to the tomato sauce, before heading out to feed the fish again... and collect the eggs. And then I hit the sack, knowing that soon... things are gonna get really busy.
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-->''[Clarkson works on his bottling plant]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' With the all-hands-on-deck harvest frenzy nearly upon us, I had to work fast to complete all the other projects I'd started earlier in the farming year. And so with the sun continuing to blaze down from a cloudless sky, I decided to begin with what I thought would be the [[{{Pun}} coolest]] job of them all.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Seven hundred glass bottles.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Helping to set up our newly-finished water bottling plant.
-->''[Clarkson drives his telehandler]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is a speed Creator/JamesMay would call "supersonic".
-->''[Clarkson moans about the heat]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I then discovered that housing the bottling plant in a metal shipping container hadn't been my best idea.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's too hot for words.\\
'''Lisa:''' Okay, hang on. Let me just show you how it finishes off.\\
'''Clarkson:''' 48.6° at that, at head height.\\
'''Lisa:''' Okay, and then...\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''48.6°.'''
-->''[Clarkson continues moaning about the heat]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' 49.7°.\\
'''Lisa:''' It's really hot!\\
'''Clarkson:''' If it reaches 50° we're allow to go on strike. Holy shit!
-->''[Clarkson is relieved]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Finally, though, England reverted to type.\\
''[thunder cracking, followed by montage of area]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The end of the drought was all anyone in the area could talk about... I think.
-->''[Lisa complains about Clarkon's perceived inaction]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So. Apart from those eggs, 'kay, there's nothing in here that I can see which is from our farm.\\
'''Lisa:''' Well, meet me halfway. Give me anything. Grow something. Make something.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I am growing things!\\
'''Lisa:''' Do something. I've nothing in here from you.
-->''[Clarkson uses a smoking machine]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Burn baby burn. ''(coughs)''
-->''[Clarkson gets stung]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I just thought... heh heh heh. I'm going to be driving back and all the loose bees are going to go in the car. Yeah, not much I can do about that... oh shit.\\
''[Clarkson is stung]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ow, Christ! I've got one in my suit! How the fucking hell's that happened- argh! It's stung me right in the arsecheeks!\\
''[Clarkson writhes in pain]''\\
''Clarkson:''' Uuuugh! This, really- this is bad!
-->''[Clarkson asks an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' How can it be legal to drive with a beehive in the back of your car? Argh, I can feel that buttock growing a third buttock.
-->''[Clarkson alleviates his wounds]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Talk among yourselves.\\
''[Clarkson drops his pants]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I am just applying Wasp-Eze to my own arsecrack 'cause the crew won't do it. I just don't believe this! A lot of bees there!
-->''[Clarkson complains about a pricing model]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' A lady's just come in, she's said "Well I'll give you £6.50 for it." and Lisa said "Fine."! ''(scoffs)'' She just happened to capitalize on an argument and now she's getting that honey for £6.50!\\
'''Lisa:''' ''(to customer)'' Yeah, it just arrived this morning.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's just- this isn't how Asda is run. They don't ask the customers how much they'd like to pay!
-->''[Kaleb shows off his new car]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Whilst I was having a sulk, Kaleb arrived in his [[CoolCar new toy]].\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, look at this!\\
''[Kaleb drives in in his Nissan 350Z]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' That's actually very cool, and I just heard you go by earlier.
-->''[Kaleb shares an anecdote about his Nissan]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' So basically, when I bought it, two days after having it, driving out of Long Com 60 miles an hour, this comes up like that, folds over that. That bit there was bent in.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What, the roof?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, the roof was about that far from my head in the cab.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What, just from the bonnet?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, the bonnet.
-->''[Clarkson makes comments on Kaleb's new car]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' My only slight concern is... this is a GT car, a grand tourer.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' A long-distance car. But since you never go further than three miles from where we're standing now...\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Where's the furthest you've been in it?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Um, Banbury?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ooh, twelve miles.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Twelve miles, that's it.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What, then you got scared?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Then come home.
-->''[Clarkson comments on Kaleb's hair]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Also, are you wearing a hairband?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, a hairband to keep my hair out of my face.
-->''[Clarkson sees his wasabi plants]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' After Vidal Sassoon had left, I went into the woods to see my wasabi plants, which I'd decided were now ready to be turned into cash. Sadly, though, the recent heatwave... had taken its toll.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Um, as you can see, everything I've planted at this end of the bed has not just died, but totally disappeared. It's got 27 plants, which means... 73 have died. This end, where there's still quite a lot of water coming through, things aren't too bad though.
-->''[Clarkson has an idea]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Good thing is all the restaurants recently reopened and the chancellor is even paying people to go and eat in them. So, I can get that down to London, get it into some Japanese restaurant and they'll be amazed!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Because I was so busy, obviously I couldn't spare the time to go to London. But luckily, I knew just the man for the job.\\
''[Kaleb stares into nothing]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' He'd only been to the capital once on a school art trip, and he'd been so scared he hadn't dared get off the coach. But he's all grown up now and at the very least, I figured the trip would give him an opportunity to drive his new car. But no.
-->''[Kaleb makes a comment to Clarkson about his assignment]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I think we've got the job a little bit wrong today.
-->''[Clarkson and Charlie meet to fill paperwork]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've been looking forward to today [[BlatantLies 'cause I love form filling]]!\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah, yeah, it's quite a useful few hours because, um...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hours?
-->''[Clarkson flips through a form]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So this form...\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah...\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...which is hundreds of pages long...\\
'''Charlie:''' It's 22 pages long.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've got better things to do with my time than this!
-->''[Clarkson attempts to get out of form filling]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' How much do they pay?\\
'''Charlie:''' Uh...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Because whatever it is, I'd rather pay it myself than fill in a form.\\
'''Charlie:''' Really? 360 hectares you have...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.\\
'''Charlie:''' ...and they'll pay you £220. So that's £82,000.\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[OhCrap Right, I'll fill in the form.]]
-->''[Clarkson complains about form filling]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Have you ever been to a really sort of, let's say developing world country and they give you a massively complicated immigration form? Burma for example.\\
'''Charlie:''' No.\\
'''Clarkson:''' And you know when you fill this in, which takes an hour, or Cambodia, they put it in the bin. That's what's going- we are- this is developing world nonsense, this is.
-->''[Kaleb finds the first restaurant]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I am looking for a restaurant called ''Nero''. ''Nero'', ''Naro'', ''Nero'', ''Noro'', ''Naro''...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Eventually, Kaleb found the restaurant he was looking for.\\
''[cuts to restaurant sign, showing "Nobu"]''
-->''[Kaleb returns to find a parking violation]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Oh no!\\
''[Kaleb picks up a parking violation]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Sixty-five quid?! Full charge 130 quid?! Oh...!
-->''[Clarkson reconsiders vegetable planting]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' With Kaleb already losing the profit he hadn't made, I was busy regretting planting so many different vegetables.\\
'''Charlie:''' Broad beans, beetroots, chard, peas, swede[[note]]Rutabaga[[/note]], kohlrabi, turnip, cabbage, leeks, pak choi[[note]]Bok choy[[/note]], rhubarb, broccoli, cauliflower, kale and marrow.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah. Now the government wants- has a code, obviously, for all of those.\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Broad beans has got a code?\\
'''Charlie:''' Broad beans has a code.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I have to look those codes up...\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah, look them up.\\
'''Clarkson:''' And then tell them exactly how much- what do they want it in, centimeters?\\
'''Charlie:''' Square meters will be fine.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Square meters.\\
'''Charlie:''' You've got to do it to four decimal places. If you see, we've got four decimal places.
-->''[Clarkson comments on satellite images of his farm]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Are you telling me the British government is photographing my farm from space to see what I'm growing and doing with it?\\
'''Charlie:''' Absolutely.
-->''[Kaleb attempts to sell his wasabi a second time]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I've been told, come away from my boss, £300 a kg.\\
'''Chef:''' £300 a kg? You're dreaming, mate.
-->''[Kaleb attempts to haggle the cost of the wasabi]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I reckon we do a deal. Go £15.\\
'''Chef:''' I'll give you 10, mate.\\
'''Kaleb:''' 12.\\
'''Chef:''' 10 it is.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Okay, deal. It just cost me £10 to park.\\
'''Chef:''' There you go, you pay your parking for free!
-->''[Kaleb is exasperated]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Uh, we're off to the Shard now, something called the Shard. I want to get in there, get it sold, get out of there, go home. I've had enough.
-->''[Kaleb's fear of heights is revealed]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is probably a good time to reveal that the only thing Kaleb hates more than cities... is heights.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Oh, don't tell me that's the Shard. You are winding me up!\\
''[Kaleb sees the Shard]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' [[OhCrap Oh Jesus! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!]]
-->''[Kaleb ascends the Shard]''\\
'''Elevator:''' Thirty-second floor.\\
'''Kaleb:''' That's horrible!
-->''[Kaleb attempts to sell wasabi a final time]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Still, at least the trip was completely pointless.\\
'''Kaleb:''' £25, 100 grams.\\
'''Staff:''' Let me digest that and I'll...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah?\\
'''Staff:''' Yeah, I'll give you a call.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You sure you don't want to buy it now?\\
'''Staff:''' Unfortunately, not now, no.\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(under his breath)'' Shit! Okey-dokey, cheers.
-->''[Kaleb counts his profits]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Today, I have made... nothing.
-->''[Clarkson talks about continued bad news]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' After Kaleb's failure to sell the wasabi in London, we put it in the farm shop... where it rotted. And that wasn't the end of the bad news.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under his breath)'' God above!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Because Lisa's definition of local produce had come to the attention of the authorities.
-->''[Clarkson rants about the enforcement case]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've had an annoying email from the council which says that, um, the stuff we sell in the farm shop has to be from a producer based solely within West Oxfordshire's district boundaries and they're saying that some of the pâté and cheese and what-have-you is from Gloucestershire. I mean, there's a pandemic going on! Millions of people are unemployed! We have a little business that now has five people on the payroll, we're supporting local farms and local businesses and now we have to have an enforcement case opened on us! I mean, God, give me strength!
-->''[Lisa sees Clarkson's candles]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' At the shop, Lisa was delighted with the results.\\
'''Lisa:''' You '''cannot''' label that "This smells like my bollocks". You just can't!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Creator/GwynethPaltrow has made a fortune from her candles that smell like her... ''(mouthing)'' vagina.\\
'''Lisa:''' Do you think these will sell more because it smells like your bollocks?
-->''[Clarkson catches fish to sell]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' A week later, my local pub agreed to put our trouts on its menu. So, I went down to the pond with a net, feeling weirdly conflicted.\\
'''Clarkson:''' The reason this fence is here...\\
'''Lisa:''' Mhm...\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...is to stop the otter eating the fish so we can sell them to rich people in the pub. The whole point of this was wilding.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I then decided I didn't really care about that, so we got to work.
-->''[Clarkson reminisces past events]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Delivered fish before in, of course, [[Series/TopGearUK Mozambique]]. That went well.
-->''[Charlie tells Clarkson he's going on vacation]''\\
'''Charlie:''' I said you say...\\
'''Clarkson:''' You say?\\
'''Charlie:''' I won't be here.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Can you imagine- can you- what do you mean you won't be here?\\
'''Charlie:''' I'm going on holiday.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?!\\
'''Charlie:''' Well, you'll be fine! You don't need me by then! You'll be fine!\\
'''Clarkson:''' I do need you! All this and then it comes to harvest...\\
'''Charlie:''' I'm no use! Like, what do you want me to for?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, how am I gonna be able to tell whether that's got 3% moisture or 17%?\\
'''Charlie:''' Well, you need to put it in your moisture meter!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is there a moisture-o-meter for that?\\
'''Charlie:''' Have you not got a moisture meter?\\
'''Clarkson:''' No!\\
'''Charlie:''' Ah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh God...
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' With the all-hands-on-deck harvest frenzy nearly upon us, I had to work fast to complete all the other projects I'd started earlier in the farming year. And so with the sun continuing to blaze down from a cloudless sky, I decided to begin with what I thought would be the [[{{Pun}} coolest]] job of them all.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Seven hundred glass bottles.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Helping to set up our newly-finished water bottling plant.
-->''[Clarkson drives his telehandler]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is a speed Creator/JamesMay would call "supersonic".
-->''[Clarkson moans about the heat]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I then discovered that housing the bottling plant in a metal shipping container hadn't been my best idea.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's too hot for words.\\
'''Lisa:''' Okay, hang on. Let me just show you how it finishes off.\\
'''Clarkson:''' 48.6° at that, at head height.\\
'''Lisa:''' Okay, and then...\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''48.6°.'''
-->''[Clarkson continues moaning about the heat]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' 49.7°.\\
'''Lisa:''' It's really hot!\\
'''Clarkson:''' If it reaches 50° we're allow to go on strike. Holy shit!
-->''[Clarkson is relieved]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Finally, though, England reverted to type.\\
''[thunder cracking, followed by montage of area]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The end of the drought was all anyone in the area could talk about... I think.
-->''[Lisa complains about Clarkon's perceived inaction]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So. Apart from those eggs, 'kay, there's nothing in here that I can see which is from our farm.\\
'''Lisa:''' Well, meet me halfway. Give me anything. Grow something. Make something.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I am growing things!\\
'''Lisa:''' Do something. I've nothing in here from you.
-->''[Clarkson uses a smoking machine]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Burn baby burn. ''(coughs)''
-->''[Clarkson gets stung]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I just thought... heh heh heh. I'm going to be driving back and all the loose bees are going to go in the car. Yeah, not much I can do about that... oh shit.\\
''[Clarkson is stung]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ow, Christ! I've got one in my suit! How the fucking hell's that happened- argh! It's stung me right in the arsecheeks!\\
''[Clarkson writhes in pain]''\\
''Clarkson:''' Uuuugh! This, really- this is bad!
-->''[Clarkson asks an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' How can it be legal to drive with a beehive in the back of your car? Argh, I can feel that buttock growing a third buttock.
-->''[Clarkson alleviates his wounds]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Talk among yourselves.\\
''[Clarkson drops his pants]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I am just applying Wasp-Eze to my own arsecrack 'cause the crew won't do it. I just don't believe this! A lot of bees there!
-->''[Clarkson complains about a pricing model]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' A lady's just come in, she's said "Well I'll give you £6.50 for it." and Lisa said "Fine."! ''(scoffs)'' She just happened to capitalize on an argument and now she's getting that honey for £6.50!\\
'''Lisa:''' ''(to customer)'' Yeah, it just arrived this morning.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's just- this isn't how Asda is run. They don't ask the customers how much they'd like to pay!
-->''[Kaleb shows off his new car]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Whilst I was having a sulk, Kaleb arrived in his [[CoolCar new toy]].\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, look at this!\\
''[Kaleb drives in in his Nissan 350Z]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' That's actually very cool, and I just heard you go by earlier.
-->''[Kaleb shares an anecdote about his Nissan]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' So basically, when I bought it, two days after having it, driving out of Long Com 60 miles an hour, this comes up like that, folds over that. That bit there was bent in.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What, the roof?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, the roof was about that far from my head in the cab.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What, just from the bonnet?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, the bonnet.
-->''[Clarkson makes comments on Kaleb's new car]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' My only slight concern is... this is a GT car, a grand tourer.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' A long-distance car. But since you never go further than three miles from where we're standing now...\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(laughs)'' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Where's the furthest you've been in it?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Um, Banbury?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ooh, twelve miles.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Twelve miles, that's it.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What, then you got scared?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Then come home.
-->''[Clarkson comments on Kaleb's hair]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Also, are you wearing a hairband?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, a hairband to keep my hair out of my face.
-->''[Clarkson sees his wasabi plants]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' After Vidal Sassoon had left, I went into the woods to see my wasabi plants, which I'd decided were now ready to be turned into cash. Sadly, though, the recent heatwave... had taken its toll.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Um, as you can see, everything I've planted at this end of the bed has not just died, but totally disappeared. It's got 27 plants, which means... 73 have died. This end, where there's still quite a lot of water coming through, things aren't too bad though.
-->''[Clarkson has an idea]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Good thing is all the restaurants recently reopened and the chancellor is even paying people to go and eat in them. So, I can get that down to London, get it into some Japanese restaurant and they'll be amazed!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Because I was so busy, obviously I couldn't spare the time to go to London. But luckily, I knew just the man for the job.\\
''[Kaleb stares into nothing]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' He'd only been to the capital once on a school art trip, and he'd been so scared he hadn't dared get off the coach. But he's all grown up now and at the very least, I figured the trip would give him an opportunity to drive his new car. But no.
-->''[Kaleb makes a comment to Clarkson about his assignment]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I think we've got the job a little bit wrong today.
-->''[Clarkson and Charlie meet to fill paperwork]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've been looking forward to today [[BlatantLies 'cause I love form filling]]!\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah, yeah, it's quite a useful few hours because, um...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hours?
-->''[Clarkson flips through a form]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So this form...\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah...\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...which is hundreds of pages long...\\
'''Charlie:''' It's 22 pages long.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've got better things to do with my time than this!
-->''[Clarkson attempts to get out of form filling]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' How much do they pay?\\
'''Charlie:''' Uh...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Because whatever it is, I'd rather pay it myself than fill in a form.\\
'''Charlie:''' Really? 360 hectares you have...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.\\
'''Charlie:''' ...and they'll pay you £220. So that's £82,000.\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[OhCrap Right, I'll fill in the form.]]
-->''[Clarkson complains about form filling]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Have you ever been to a really sort of, let's say developing world country and they give you a massively complicated immigration form? Burma for example.\\
'''Charlie:''' No.\\
'''Clarkson:''' And you know when you fill this in, which takes an hour, or Cambodia, they put it in the bin. That's what's going- we are- this is developing world nonsense, this is.
-->''[Kaleb finds the first restaurant]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I am looking for a restaurant called ''Nero''. ''Nero'', ''Naro'', ''Nero'', ''Noro'', ''Naro''...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Eventually, Kaleb found the restaurant he was looking for.\\
''[cuts to restaurant sign, showing "Nobu"]''
-->''[Kaleb returns to find a parking violation]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Oh no!\\
''[Kaleb picks up a parking violation]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Sixty-five quid?! Full charge 130 quid?! Oh...!
-->''[Clarkson reconsiders vegetable planting]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' With Kaleb already losing the profit he hadn't made, I was busy regretting planting so many different vegetables.\\
'''Charlie:''' Broad beans, beetroots, chard, peas, swede[[note]]Rutabaga[[/note]], kohlrabi, turnip, cabbage, leeks, pak choi[[note]]Bok choy[[/note]], rhubarb, broccoli, cauliflower, kale and marrow.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah. Now the government wants- has a code, obviously, for all of those.\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Broad beans has got a code?\\
'''Charlie:''' Broad beans has a code.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I have to look those codes up...\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah, look them up.\\
'''Clarkson:''' And then tell them exactly how much- what do they want it in, centimeters?\\
'''Charlie:''' Square meters will be fine.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Square meters.\\
'''Charlie:''' You've got to do it to four decimal places. If you see, we've got four decimal places.
-->''[Clarkson comments on satellite images of his farm]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Are you telling me the British government is photographing my farm from space to see what I'm growing and doing with it?\\
'''Charlie:''' Absolutely.
-->''[Kaleb attempts to sell his wasabi a second time]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I've been told, come away from my boss, £300 a kg.\\
'''Chef:''' £300 a kg? You're dreaming, mate.
-->''[Kaleb attempts to haggle the cost of the wasabi]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' I reckon we do a deal. Go £15.\\
'''Chef:''' I'll give you 10, mate.\\
'''Kaleb:''' 12.\\
'''Chef:''' 10 it is.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Okay, deal. It just cost me £10 to park.\\
'''Chef:''' There you go, you pay your parking for free!
-->''[Kaleb is exasperated]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Uh, we're off to the Shard now, something called the Shard. I want to get in there, get it sold, get out of there, go home. I've had enough.
-->''[Kaleb's fear of heights is revealed]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is probably a good time to reveal that the only thing Kaleb hates more than cities... is heights.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Oh, don't tell me that's the Shard. You are winding me up!\\
''[Kaleb sees the Shard]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' [[OhCrap Oh Jesus! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!]]
-->''[Kaleb ascends the Shard]''\\
'''Elevator:''' Thirty-second floor.\\
'''Kaleb:''' That's horrible!
-->''[Kaleb attempts to sell wasabi a final time]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Still, at least the trip was completely pointless.\\
'''Kaleb:''' £25, 100 grams.\\
'''Staff:''' Let me digest that and I'll...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah?\\
'''Staff:''' Yeah, I'll give you a call.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You sure you don't want to buy it now?\\
'''Staff:''' Unfortunately, not now, no.\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(under his breath)'' Shit! Okey-dokey, cheers.
-->''[Kaleb counts his profits]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Today, I have made... nothing.
-->''[Clarkson talks about continued bad news]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' After Kaleb's failure to sell the wasabi in London, we put it in the farm shop... where it rotted. And that wasn't the end of the bad news.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under his breath)'' God above!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Because Lisa's definition of local produce had come to the attention of the authorities.
-->''[Clarkson rants about the enforcement case]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've had an annoying email from the council which says that, um, the stuff we sell in the farm shop has to be from a producer based solely within West Oxfordshire's district boundaries and they're saying that some of the pâté and cheese and what-have-you is from Gloucestershire. I mean, there's a pandemic going on! Millions of people are unemployed! We have a little business that now has five people on the payroll, we're supporting local farms and local businesses and now we have to have an enforcement case opened on us! I mean, God, give me strength!
-->''[Lisa sees Clarkson's candles]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' At the shop, Lisa was delighted with the results.\\
'''Lisa:''' You '''cannot''' label that "This smells like my bollocks". You just can't!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Creator/GwynethPaltrow has made a fortune from her candles that smell like her... ''(mouthing)'' vagina.\\
'''Lisa:''' Do you think these will sell more because it smells like your bollocks?
-->''[Clarkson catches fish to sell]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' A week later, my local pub agreed to put our trouts on its menu. So, I went down to the pond with a net, feeling weirdly conflicted.\\
'''Clarkson:''' The reason this fence is here...\\
'''Lisa:''' Mhm...\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...is to stop the otter eating the fish so we can sell them to rich people in the pub. The whole point of this was wilding.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I then decided I didn't really care about that, so we got to work.
-->''[Clarkson reminisces past events]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Delivered fish before in, of course, [[Series/TopGearUK Mozambique]]. That went well.
-->''[Charlie tells Clarkson he's going on vacation]''\\
'''Charlie:''' I said you say...\\
'''Clarkson:''' You say?\\
'''Charlie:''' I won't be here.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Can you imagine- can you- what do you mean you won't be here?\\
'''Charlie:''' I'm going on holiday.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?!\\
'''Charlie:''' Well, you'll be fine! You don't need me by then! You'll be fine!\\
'''Clarkson:''' I do need you! All this and then it comes to harvest...\\
'''Charlie:''' I'm no use! Like, what do you want me to for?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, how am I gonna be able to tell whether that's got 3% moisture or 17%?\\
'''Charlie:''' Well, you need to put it in your moisture meter!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is there a moisture-o-meter for that?\\
'''Charlie:''' Have you not got a moisture meter?\\
'''Clarkson:''' No!\\
'''Charlie:''' Ah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh God...
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Changed line(s) 815,816 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' So, the newly-trimmed sheep were now equipped to deal with the heat, which is more than could be said of my new trees. Even though we were watering them constantly, they were all shedding there leaves... and dying. And it was the same story everywhere. I'd be harvesting the crops in six weeks time, and the big question was: would they all be just shriveled husks by then?
to:
'''Clarkson:''' So, the newly-trimmed sheep were now equipped to deal with the heat, which is more than could be said of my new trees. Even though we were watering them constantly, they were all shedding there their leaves... and dying. And it was the same story everywhere. I'd be harvesting the crops in six weeks time, and the big question was: would they all be just shriveled husks by then?
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Changed line(s) 322,323 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' I'm not gonna have somebody with an O level in biology coming along telling me "Oh, well you've ruined the habitat.". It's only a few anthills got knocked over.
to:
'''Clarkson:''' I'm not gonna have somebody with an O level in biology coming along telling me "Oh, well you've ruined the habitat.". " It's only a few anthills got knocked over.
Changed line(s) 353 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' Built the dam with all this clay along the front of it, but God has looked at my endeavors and said "Yes, but I've made this hole here.". You can see the whirlpool, look. "And all the water shall go through that and go under your dam."\\
to:
'''Clarkson:''' Built the dam with all this clay along the front of it, but God has looked at my endeavors and said "Yes, but I've made this hole here.". " You can see the whirlpool, look. "And all the water shall go through that and go under your dam."\\
Changed line(s) 431,432 (click to see context) from:
'''Kaleb:''' Y'know, sheep, I just don't get on well with them. Jeremy's got this to come; y'know, it's summer, it's really hot, he's really busy on the tractor try'na get the corn in, all of a sudden, he sees in the distance there's one sheep twitchin'. So he goes "I'll have a look at that.", all of sudden there's maggots dropping out of it, you know, or its got its head stuck in a fence and killed itself, 'cause you know for a damn fact it's gonna happen. It's all good when they're lambin'. "Oh, look at that cute lamb!" You wait! Come summer, and they're all getting out and running around the place, he's gonna go "Fucking sheep!".
to:
'''Kaleb:''' Y'know, sheep, I just don't get on well with them. Jeremy's got this to come; y'know, it's summer, it's really hot, he's really busy on the tractor try'na get the corn in, all of a sudden, he sees in the distance there's one sheep twitchin'. So he goes "I'll have a look at that.", all of sudden there's maggots dropping out of it, you know, or its got its head stuck in a fence and killed itself, 'cause you know for a damn fact it's gonna happen. It's all good when they're lambin'. "Oh, look at that cute lamb!" You wait! Come summer, and they're all getting out and running around the place, he's gonna go "Fucking sheep!".
sheep!"
Changed line(s) 501,502 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' No, cause I didn't trim that hedge! Ha ha! Look, here comes a van, right, watch, here comes the van behind the rape, he's going "Oh that's good rape, that's good rape.", gets to this field, and he's thinking "Oh I wonder how he's done there- and I can't see, can't see.". Look, he can't see it, his window's below the hedge! Come on! That's how you solve problems!
to:
'''Clarkson:''' No, cause I didn't trim that hedge! Ha ha! Look, here comes a van, right, watch, here comes the van behind the rape, he's going "Oh that's good rape, that's good rape.", gets to this field, and he's thinking "Oh I wonder how he's done there- and I can't see, can't see.". " Look, he can't see it, his window's below the hedge! Come on! That's how you solve problems!
Changed line(s) 733,734 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' There you go. Come on, clear off. Look, they rub themselves against the catches, so the door opens and the hens can get out. I wonder why they do- I mean, the only reason I can think is that they're bored and they just think "Hey girls, let's just go and let some hens out and see how far they get before they're eaten by the fox.". I mean the foxes live in a hole - I can see it actually from here - in that hedge; basically they're living opposite a branch of [[UsefulNotes/KentuckyFriedChicken KFC]]. The sheep know the foxes are there, they know the hens are here, it's just a game to them!
to:
'''Clarkson:''' There you go. Come on, clear off. Look, they rub themselves against the catches, so the door opens and the hens can get out. I wonder why they do- I mean, the only reason I can think is that they're bored and they just think "Hey girls, let's just go and let some hens out and see how far they get before they're eaten by the fox.". " I mean the foxes live in a hole - I can see it actually from here - in that hedge; basically they're living opposite a branch of [[UsefulNotes/KentuckyFriedChicken KFC]]. The sheep know the foxes are there, they know the hens are here, it's just a game to them!
Changed line(s) 843,844 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' Here's the funny thing about bees, as we discovered. This is a bee suit; it's got zip-up down here and you're in one suit, it comes up, round here there's a hat with a mesh on it. But the bee, looks at that and goes "There is a way in."; it's like they're in that in ''Film/TheGreatEscape''. And one of them found a way into the bottom of my trousers, went all the way up on the outside of my jeans, then found the... gap between the jean-trouser and my t-shirt, crawled along there, thought "Ah, here's a crack.", down the crack, and then thought "Ready, and... go!". Killed itself, but knew as it died how much pain it had brought me. It was funny.
to:
'''Clarkson:''' Here's the funny thing about bees, as we discovered. This is a bee suit; it's got zip-up down here and you're in one suit, it comes up, round here there's a hat with a mesh on it. But the bee, looks at that and goes "There is a way in."; it's like they're in that in ''Film/TheGreatEscape''. And one of them found a way into the bottom of my trousers, went all the way up on the outside of my jeans, then found the... gap between the jean-trouser and my t-shirt, crawled along there, thought "Ah, here's a crack.", down the crack, and then thought "Ready, and... go!". go!" Killed itself, but knew as it died how much pain it had brought me. It was funny.
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Changed line(s) 719 (click to see context) from:
-->''[Clarkson asks Charlie an important question]''\
to:
-->''[Clarkson asks Charlie an important question]''\question]''\\
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Changed line(s) 416 (click to see context) from:
''(Clarkson begins laughing)''\\
to:
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Changed line(s) 413 (click to see context) from:
'''Kaleb:''' The only thing I'm pissed off about is I haven't had my perm done.\\
to:
'''Kaleb:''' [[SkewedPriorities The only thing I'm pissed off about is I haven't had my perm done.\\]]\\
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Changed line(s) 455,456 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' It does slightly worry me that I'm gonna get this virus. I read the other day that 90% of the worlds 570 million farms are run by either one man or one family, so if that man or family gets the virus, the farm dies. Farmers are actually being urged to keep diaries so that if somebody is able to come and take over from them they know what to do, but I mean, what do I write in a diary? Who do I tell? Everybody's sitting at home watching Joe Wicks, wiping their arse on their lavatory paper!
to:
'''Clarkson:''' It does slightly worry me that I'm gonna get this virus. I read the other day that 90% of the worlds world's 570 million farms are run by either one man or one family, so if that man or family gets the virus, the farm dies. Farmers are actually being urged to keep diaries so that if somebody is able to come and take over from them they know what to do, but I mean, what do I write in a diary? Who do I tell? Everybody's sitting at home watching Joe Wicks, wiping their arse on their lavatory paper!
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Changed line(s) 431,432 (click to see context) from:
'''Kaleb:''' Y'know, sheep, I just don't get on well with them. Jeremy's got this to come; y'know, it's summer, it's really hot, he's really busy on the tractor try'na get the corn in, all of a sudden, he sees in the distance there's one sheep twitchin'. So he goes "I'll have a look at that.", all of sudden there's maggots dropping out of it, you know, or it's got its head stuck in a fence and killed itself, 'cause you know for a damn fact it's gonna happen. It's all good when they're lambin'. "Oh, look at that cute lamb!" You wait! Come summer, and they're all getting out and running around the place, he's gonna go "Fucking sheep!".
to:
'''Kaleb:''' Y'know, sheep, I just don't get on well with them. Jeremy's got this to come; y'know, it's summer, it's really hot, he's really busy on the tractor try'na get the corn in, all of a sudden, he sees in the distance there's one sheep twitchin'. So he goes "I'll have a look at that.", all of sudden there's maggots dropping out of it, you know, or it's its got its head stuck in a fence and killed itself, 'cause you know for a damn fact it's gonna happen. It's all good when they're lambin'. "Oh, look at that cute lamb!" You wait! Come summer, and they're all getting out and running around the place, he's gonna go "Fucking sheep!".
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Changed line(s) 708,709 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' Right, as I've always said: speed and power doesn't work. Solar power's the answer.
to:
'''Clarkson:''' Right, as I've always said: [[{{Irony}} speed and power doesn't work. Solar power's the answer.
answer.]]
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Changed line(s) 646 (click to see context) from:
''[Clarkson opens the container to reveal an Alfa Romeo GTV6]''\\
to:
''[Clarkson opens the container to reveal an Alfa Romeo GTV6]''\\[=GTV6=]]''\\
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Added DiffLines:
-->''[Clarkson tries his hand at fleece rolling]''\\
'''Kevin:''' Right. You're looking for a job, I assume.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Kevin then set me to work rolling up the fleeces.\\
'''Kevin:''' Alright, throw it out.\\
''[Kevin throws the fleece]''\\
'''Kevin:''' Can you tell which was the back end from the neck?\\
'''Clarkson:''' I reckon that's the back.\\
'''Kevin:''' No, that's the neck.\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BlatantLies Yeah, I knew that.]]\\
'''Kevin:''' A bit of poo there, look.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, that's shit, yeah.\\
'''Kevin:''' Need to take any poo off like that, roll it up tight, bring the neck round... and stuff it in there.
-->''[Clarkson reconsiders his job]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This one was crapping- how's it got crap at the back and the front?! Look, its- its crapped everywhere! Its got it on its feet!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I immediately decided rolling wasn't for me.
-->''[Clarkson attempts to shear a sheep]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right. First of all, I gotta be calm, give them no sense that I'm gonna roll them on their back in a moment. Just talking to you, sheep psychology. Here we go.\\
'''Kevin:''' She already knows you're after her.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Of course she does! Stay calm Kev, stay calm. Let's have no panicking from you two.\\
'''Kevin:''' Put your hand on her chin.\\
''[Clarkson wrangles the sheep]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've done a thing!\\
''[Clarkson gets wrangled to the ground]''\\
'''Ellen:''' We got her.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, yeah, but she's on me.\\
'''Kevin:''' The next move is head.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm gonna get kicked! Argh, it's got me in the testes! Oh, that's it! Right...\\
''[Clarkson, Kevin and Ellen laugh]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I CAN'T wrestle sheep.
-->''[Clarkson attempts to shear a second time]''\\
'''Ellen:''' Her head stays forward.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That side.\\
''[sheep begins to flail]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh God! I'll just- look, I'll settle her down. Where are you going on your holidays this year? There you go, see, now we've got a relaxed relationship going on.\\
''[sheep kicks Clarkson]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Woooh! In the inner thigh!\\
''[Clarkson pants]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Fucking hell, that's impossible!
-->''[Clarkson talks to Ellen and Kevin]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I couldn't believe the idea of holding a sheep down, already you need to be an octopus to do that. Already you need eight legs and you need to be strong.\\
'''Ellen:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Then it's lying there, thrashing its head around and looking for a weak spot in you, while you're operating a thing that would have your hand off...\\
'''Ellen:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...as quick as anything. I mean the old dog I thought was impressive and now you're more impressive than your dog!
-->''[Clarkson is reassigned to rolling]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' After the sheep debacle, I was put back on rolling duties.\\
'''Clarkson:''' "And how did you spend the day, Jeremy?" "Well, ripping dingleberries out of shaved sheeps's coats!"
-->''[Clarkson has a proposal]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Why do people wear tracksuits? Why don't we make tracksuits illegal? And football shirts illegal? Illegal! You can only wear woolen clothing.\\
'''Kevin:''' We're right behind you!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, no more track suits.\\
'''Kevin:''' Woolly underpants.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Woolly underpants.
-->''[Clarkson makes a statement]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well you didn't tell me about the need to bring beer to a sheep shearing, and you didn't tell me sheep have two holes at the back.
-->''[Clarkson reflects on owning sheep]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is the very field where I first had the idea to keep sheep; I thought they'd be a cheap and easy way of keeping the grass down, ecologically. ''(scoffs)'' But seriously, I could have done this field, mown it completely in the tractor in... an hour, would have cost me a tenner in diesel. But no! Jeremy knows best! I shall keep sheep! ''(bursts into laughter)'' What was I thinking of?! I quite enjoyed having them though.
-->''[Clarkson on the heatwave's effects]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So, the newly-trimmed sheep were now equipped to deal with the heat, which is more than could be said of my new trees. Even though we were watering them constantly, they were all shedding there leaves... and dying. And it was the same story everywhere. I'd be harvesting the crops in six weeks time, and the big question was: would they all be just shriveled husks by then?
'''Kevin:''' Right. You're looking for a job, I assume.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Kevin then set me to work rolling up the fleeces.\\
'''Kevin:''' Alright, throw it out.\\
''[Kevin throws the fleece]''\\
'''Kevin:''' Can you tell which was the back end from the neck?\\
'''Clarkson:''' I reckon that's the back.\\
'''Kevin:''' No, that's the neck.\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BlatantLies Yeah, I knew that.]]\\
'''Kevin:''' A bit of poo there, look.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, that's shit, yeah.\\
'''Kevin:''' Need to take any poo off like that, roll it up tight, bring the neck round... and stuff it in there.
-->''[Clarkson reconsiders his job]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This one was crapping- how's it got crap at the back and the front?! Look, its- its crapped everywhere! Its got it on its feet!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I immediately decided rolling wasn't for me.
-->''[Clarkson attempts to shear a sheep]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right. First of all, I gotta be calm, give them no sense that I'm gonna roll them on their back in a moment. Just talking to you, sheep psychology. Here we go.\\
'''Kevin:''' She already knows you're after her.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Of course she does! Stay calm Kev, stay calm. Let's have no panicking from you two.\\
'''Kevin:''' Put your hand on her chin.\\
''[Clarkson wrangles the sheep]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've done a thing!\\
''[Clarkson gets wrangled to the ground]''\\
'''Ellen:''' We got her.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, yeah, but she's on me.\\
'''Kevin:''' The next move is head.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm gonna get kicked! Argh, it's got me in the testes! Oh, that's it! Right...\\
''[Clarkson, Kevin and Ellen laugh]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I CAN'T wrestle sheep.
-->''[Clarkson attempts to shear a second time]''\\
'''Ellen:''' Her head stays forward.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That side.\\
''[sheep begins to flail]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh God! I'll just- look, I'll settle her down. Where are you going on your holidays this year? There you go, see, now we've got a relaxed relationship going on.\\
''[sheep kicks Clarkson]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Woooh! In the inner thigh!\\
''[Clarkson pants]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Fucking hell, that's impossible!
-->''[Clarkson talks to Ellen and Kevin]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I couldn't believe the idea of holding a sheep down, already you need to be an octopus to do that. Already you need eight legs and you need to be strong.\\
'''Ellen:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Then it's lying there, thrashing its head around and looking for a weak spot in you, while you're operating a thing that would have your hand off...\\
'''Ellen:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...as quick as anything. I mean the old dog I thought was impressive and now you're more impressive than your dog!
-->''[Clarkson is reassigned to rolling]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' After the sheep debacle, I was put back on rolling duties.\\
'''Clarkson:''' "And how did you spend the day, Jeremy?" "Well, ripping dingleberries out of shaved sheeps's coats!"
-->''[Clarkson has a proposal]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Why do people wear tracksuits? Why don't we make tracksuits illegal? And football shirts illegal? Illegal! You can only wear woolen clothing.\\
'''Kevin:''' We're right behind you!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, no more track suits.\\
'''Kevin:''' Woolly underpants.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Woolly underpants.
-->''[Clarkson makes a statement]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well you didn't tell me about the need to bring beer to a sheep shearing, and you didn't tell me sheep have two holes at the back.
-->''[Clarkson reflects on owning sheep]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is the very field where I first had the idea to keep sheep; I thought they'd be a cheap and easy way of keeping the grass down, ecologically. ''(scoffs)'' But seriously, I could have done this field, mown it completely in the tractor in... an hour, would have cost me a tenner in diesel. But no! Jeremy knows best! I shall keep sheep! ''(bursts into laughter)'' What was I thinking of?! I quite enjoyed having them though.
-->''[Clarkson on the heatwave's effects]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So, the newly-trimmed sheep were now equipped to deal with the heat, which is more than could be said of my new trees. Even though we were watering them constantly, they were all shedding there leaves... and dying. And it was the same story everywhere. I'd be harvesting the crops in six weeks time, and the big question was: would they all be just shriveled husks by then?
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-->''[Clarkson on his hardships as a farmer]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It turns out there's a good reason why farmers always moan about the weather, because it never does what they want it to do. Back in the autumn, when I needed a dry spell to plant my crops, I got this.\\
''[flashback scenes of torrential rain]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It rained non-stop for eight weeks. And then in May when I needed rain to keep those crops alive...\\
''[cut to scorching sun]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...I got this: the driest spring ever recorded. The drought was certainly not helping in this field; the previous year I had planted it with rapeseed... but that had all been eaten by beetles.
-->''[Clarkson has an idea]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' So rather than let the field sit there doing nothing, I'd come up with one of my brilliant lockdown brainwaves.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've planted pumpkins for Halloween...\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...sweetcorn 'cause I like it...\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...and sunflowers 'cause socialists like to eat their seeds apparently.
-->''[Charlie asks Clarkson about the water source for the plants]''\\
'''Charlie:''' The problem is, Jeremy...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yes?\\
'''Charlie:''' ...we need to try and get some water on them. How are we gonna water it?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, now you see, I'm way ahead of you again. I have bought an vacuum slurry tanker.\\
'''Charlie:''' So you're gonna... spray it on?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.
-->''[Clarkson tries to navigate his tractor through brambles]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' If he says my tractor is too big, I'm going to kill him.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Tractor's too bloody big! Look at it, you're catching on the tree! It's gonna take the beacon off!
-->''[Kaleb rants about pumpkins]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' God! The things we'll do for fucking pumpkins!
-->''[Kaleb pushes a wrong button, spraying Clarkson in the process]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' You fucking- '''YOU RURAL HALFWIT!'''\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(laughter)'' I pressed the wrong button!
-->''[Kaleb gives Clarkson a suggestion]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Eventually, Kaleb came up with a suggestion that was, in fairness, long overdue.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You gonna let me do it?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yes!
-->''[Clarkson learns a lesson]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' If at first you don't succeed, [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere sod it.]] Give it to a teenager.
-->''[Kaleb prods the tractor]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Come on, you piece of shit!\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's NOT a piece of shit!
-->''[Kaleb seeks praise]''\\
''[Kaleb slams tractor door]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Well, well, well, well-\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well done, Kaleb.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Thank you very much.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That's very good.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You're very welcome.
-->''[Clarkson returns from the stream]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The trip to and from the stream had taken five hours, but now with 1,000 gallons of water onboard, I was back at the field... and ready to give the whole thing a damn good soaking!
-->''[Clarkson runs out of water]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Soon there will be pumpkins growing in my wake and sweetcorn!\\
''[the tanker runs out of water]''\\
'''Charlie:''' He's run out.\\
'''Kaleb:''' He's out.\\
'''Charlie:''' He's run out of water.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, hang on, where's the water gone?
-->''[Clarkson asks about the weather forecast]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, yeah. When's the next rain?\\
'''Charlie:''' Well, there's nothing in the forecast for another fortnight.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under his breath)'' Fucking hell...
-->''[Clarkson has a solution]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' That meant there was only one thing I could do: give Kaleb a hosepipe...\\
'''Kaleb:''' His stupid ideas, all the time!\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...and get an early night.
-->''[Clarkson attempts to take the Red Tractor Accreditation virtually]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Soon, the Red Tractor examiner called and I began my first ever [[VideoPhone Face... Zoom... Time... meeting]].
-->''[Clarkson told to get back on topic]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Dave politely pointed out that he wanted to see farm equipment, not old ''[[Series/TheGrandTour Grand Tour]]'' props.
-->''[Clarkson attempts to find his chemical store]''\\
'''Dave:''' Whereabouts is your chemical store, and where are the chemicals currently?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ah, they're over here in a- in a, uh, shipping container. We thought shipping containers are watertight and secure. Ready?\\
'''Dave:''' Yeah.\\
''[Clarkson opens the container to reveal an Alfa Romeo GTV6]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ta da! Oh! Oh sorry, that might be an Alfa Romeo.\\
'''Dave:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's...
-->''[Clarkson gets his accreditation]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Eventually, with my phone battery on 2%, I had to cut to the chase.\\
'''Clarkson:''' David, what I really want to know- I appreciate there are two things that we've got wrong, the sand pit and the, um, muddy trailer.\\
'''Dave:''' Yes.\\
'''Clarkson:''' But is- are we gonna be okay?\\
'''Dave:''' Yes.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' This made me very proud.\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''I'VE DONE A THING!'''
-->''[Kaleb proves to Clarkson that sheep were a bad investment]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Grass is worth a lot of money at the minute.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is it?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Mhm, hay.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is it?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Mhm. Cut some hay, bale it, put it in the shed, guarantee, 'cause no one's had a very good cut.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well the sheeps's had most of the hay away.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Which you don't like, again.\\
'''Kaleb:''' No. I mean, if you'd have not had the sheep, cut that for hay, you'd have made more money on the hay than you would have the sheep.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well I haven't made any money on the sheep.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Exactly; you've lost loads.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under his breath)'' Yeah.\\
'''Kaleb:''' But what would you have lost if you'd cut it for hay?\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under his breath)'' Nothing.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Exactly. And there's my point again: fuck the sheep.
-->''[Clarkson shows off his solar-powered water pump]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Solar-powered water pump.\\
'''Kaleb:''' That's not gonna work, is it? Be realistic.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I don't think it is either, but I'm going to give nature a chance.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Okay.\\
'''Clarkson:''' God has provided us with this power station in the sky and we're going to try and use it.
-->''[Clarkson and Kaleb have second thoughts]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' You could piss faster than that.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That is just... lamentable. You know what the solution is, mate?\\
'''Kaleb:''' What's that?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Internal combustion. It's the solution to everything: speed and power.
-->''[Clarkson buys a gasoline generator]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I therefore went shopping, and soon we had some meaty hoses and a generator that ran on the amber nectar that is petrol.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Solar power my arse!
-->''[Kaleb's boot is stuck in the mud]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Uh...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Problem.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ba ha ha!\\
'''Kaleb:''' Could you go and get it for me?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, of course.\\
''[Clarkson "attempts" to get Kaleb's boot unstuck]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BlatantLies No, that's stuck fast mate, sorry, nothing I can do about that.]]\\
''[Kaleb attempts to get his boot unstuck, whereupon he gets doused by the solar-powered pump by Clarkson]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(squeals)'' You bastard!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well you got me in the tractor the other day, that is payback.
-->''[Clarkson realizes that his generator is too powerful]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, as I've always said: speed and power doesn't work. Solar power's the answer.
-->''[Clarkson attempts to plant some trees]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' With the wetlands sorted, I plunged into my next project: planting some trees for the government, which in the driest May on record is not the sort of job your right leg will thank you for.
-->''[Clarkson comments on the trees]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' You know what I just thought of? If I plant a tree, by the time it's an actual tree, I'll be dead. So I'm doing all this work for... a bunch of ingrates and millennials. I need to speed this up.
-->''[Clarkson comments on the trees]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And this is what I've ended up with: twenty new trees. Good for insects, good for birds which will nest in them. I don't normally like trees, but I like these ones 'cause they've all got exhaust pipes.
-->''[Clarkson asks Charlie an important question]''\
'''Clarkson:''' I appreciate it, we're doing it for all the right reasons: feed the world, keep the crops healthy. Long term though, some people are saying - I mean they're probably scaremongers, but nevertheless - they're saying that in this country we only have 90 or 100 harvests left before the topsoil is dead. Am I allowed to be a bit worried?\\
'''Charlie:''' It's only right to be worried.
-->''[Clarkson comments on the state of his chickens]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Once Charlie and I had finished the crop walk, I turned my attention to a murder mystery. Normally, my hens look like this.\\
''[footage of Clarkson's hens is shown]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' But, in the last couple of days, they'd started to look like this.\\
''[footage of a dead hen is shown]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And I just worked out what was going on.
-->''[Clarkson gives his reasoning as to why the chickens are being killed]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is a pastoral scene, you would agree. All the sheep rubbing up against the henhouses; there's nothing pastoral about it though, because what they do is they open the henhouse doors. Not making it up, they rub against the catches until- oh, the blue one, they've opened it. Come on.\\
''[Clarkson beckons the camera crew to follow]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' There you go. Come on, clear off. Look, they rub themselves against the catches, so the door opens and the hens can get out. I wonder why they do- I mean, the only reason I can think is that they're bored and they just think "Hey girls, let's just go and let some hens out and see how far they get before they're eaten by the fox.". I mean the foxes live in a hole - I can see it actually from here - in that hedge; basically they're living opposite a branch of [[UsefulNotes/KentuckyFriedChicken KFC]]. The sheep know the foxes are there, they know the hens are here, it's just a game to them!
-->''[Clarkson contacts Kevin and Ellen for shearing]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Kaleb however, dismissed my theory. As we built a fence to stop the problem, he said the sheep were rubbing themselves on the henhouses because they were hot and itchy, which meant it was time to shear them.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, they- basically they live in this field.\\
'''Kevin:''' Yeah, well, there's a story to tell there, isn't there? That's green and that isn't.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' So I gave Kevin from the NSA a call and he was keen to hear how I'd got on with the lambing.
-->''[Kevin finds out how Clarkson did with the lambing]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Overall, all the lambs have survived, except one.\\
'''Kevin:''' That's good.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I did put my hand up one's bottom, by mistake. Bet you've done that.\\
'''Kevin:''' ...no.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It was a honest mistake! I didn't do it on purpose!
'''Clarkson:''' It turns out there's a good reason why farmers always moan about the weather, because it never does what they want it to do. Back in the autumn, when I needed a dry spell to plant my crops, I got this.\\
''[flashback scenes of torrential rain]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It rained non-stop for eight weeks. And then in May when I needed rain to keep those crops alive...\\
''[cut to scorching sun]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...I got this: the driest spring ever recorded. The drought was certainly not helping in this field; the previous year I had planted it with rapeseed... but that had all been eaten by beetles.
-->''[Clarkson has an idea]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' So rather than let the field sit there doing nothing, I'd come up with one of my brilliant lockdown brainwaves.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've planted pumpkins for Halloween...\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...sweetcorn 'cause I like it...\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...and sunflowers 'cause socialists like to eat their seeds apparently.
-->''[Charlie asks Clarkson about the water source for the plants]''\\
'''Charlie:''' The problem is, Jeremy...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yes?\\
'''Charlie:''' ...we need to try and get some water on them. How are we gonna water it?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, now you see, I'm way ahead of you again. I have bought an vacuum slurry tanker.\\
'''Charlie:''' So you're gonna... spray it on?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.
-->''[Clarkson tries to navigate his tractor through brambles]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' If he says my tractor is too big, I'm going to kill him.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Tractor's too bloody big! Look at it, you're catching on the tree! It's gonna take the beacon off!
-->''[Kaleb rants about pumpkins]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' God! The things we'll do for fucking pumpkins!
-->''[Kaleb pushes a wrong button, spraying Clarkson in the process]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' You fucking- '''YOU RURAL HALFWIT!'''\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(laughter)'' I pressed the wrong button!
-->''[Kaleb gives Clarkson a suggestion]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Eventually, Kaleb came up with a suggestion that was, in fairness, long overdue.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You gonna let me do it?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yes!
-->''[Clarkson learns a lesson]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' If at first you don't succeed, [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere sod it.]] Give it to a teenager.
-->''[Kaleb prods the tractor]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Come on, you piece of shit!\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's NOT a piece of shit!
-->''[Kaleb seeks praise]''\\
''[Kaleb slams tractor door]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Well, well, well, well-\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well done, Kaleb.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Thank you very much.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That's very good.\\
'''Kaleb:''' You're very welcome.
-->''[Clarkson returns from the stream]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The trip to and from the stream had taken five hours, but now with 1,000 gallons of water onboard, I was back at the field... and ready to give the whole thing a damn good soaking!
-->''[Clarkson runs out of water]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Soon there will be pumpkins growing in my wake and sweetcorn!\\
''[the tanker runs out of water]''\\
'''Charlie:''' He's run out.\\
'''Kaleb:''' He's out.\\
'''Charlie:''' He's run out of water.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, hang on, where's the water gone?
-->''[Clarkson asks about the weather forecast]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, yeah. When's the next rain?\\
'''Charlie:''' Well, there's nothing in the forecast for another fortnight.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under his breath)'' Fucking hell...
-->''[Clarkson has a solution]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' That meant there was only one thing I could do: give Kaleb a hosepipe...\\
'''Kaleb:''' His stupid ideas, all the time!\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...and get an early night.
-->''[Clarkson attempts to take the Red Tractor Accreditation virtually]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Soon, the Red Tractor examiner called and I began my first ever [[VideoPhone Face... Zoom... Time... meeting]].
-->''[Clarkson told to get back on topic]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Dave politely pointed out that he wanted to see farm equipment, not old ''[[Series/TheGrandTour Grand Tour]]'' props.
-->''[Clarkson attempts to find his chemical store]''\\
'''Dave:''' Whereabouts is your chemical store, and where are the chemicals currently?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ah, they're over here in a- in a, uh, shipping container. We thought shipping containers are watertight and secure. Ready?\\
'''Dave:''' Yeah.\\
''[Clarkson opens the container to reveal an Alfa Romeo GTV6]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ta da! Oh! Oh sorry, that might be an Alfa Romeo.\\
'''Dave:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's...
-->''[Clarkson gets his accreditation]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Eventually, with my phone battery on 2%, I had to cut to the chase.\\
'''Clarkson:''' David, what I really want to know- I appreciate there are two things that we've got wrong, the sand pit and the, um, muddy trailer.\\
'''Dave:''' Yes.\\
'''Clarkson:''' But is- are we gonna be okay?\\
'''Dave:''' Yes.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' This made me very proud.\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''I'VE DONE A THING!'''
-->''[Kaleb proves to Clarkson that sheep were a bad investment]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Grass is worth a lot of money at the minute.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is it?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Mhm, hay.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is it?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Mhm. Cut some hay, bale it, put it in the shed, guarantee, 'cause no one's had a very good cut.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well the sheeps's had most of the hay away.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Which you don't like, again.\\
'''Kaleb:''' No. I mean, if you'd have not had the sheep, cut that for hay, you'd have made more money on the hay than you would have the sheep.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well I haven't made any money on the sheep.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Exactly; you've lost loads.\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under his breath)'' Yeah.\\
'''Kaleb:''' But what would you have lost if you'd cut it for hay?\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(under his breath)'' Nothing.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Exactly. And there's my point again: fuck the sheep.
-->''[Clarkson shows off his solar-powered water pump]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Solar-powered water pump.\\
'''Kaleb:''' That's not gonna work, is it? Be realistic.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I don't think it is either, but I'm going to give nature a chance.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Okay.\\
'''Clarkson:''' God has provided us with this power station in the sky and we're going to try and use it.
-->''[Clarkson and Kaleb have second thoughts]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' You could piss faster than that.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That is just... lamentable. You know what the solution is, mate?\\
'''Kaleb:''' What's that?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Internal combustion. It's the solution to everything: speed and power.
-->''[Clarkson buys a gasoline generator]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I therefore went shopping, and soon we had some meaty hoses and a generator that ran on the amber nectar that is petrol.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Solar power my arse!
-->''[Kaleb's boot is stuck in the mud]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Uh...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Problem.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ba ha ha!\\
'''Kaleb:''' Could you go and get it for me?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, of course.\\
''[Clarkson "attempts" to get Kaleb's boot unstuck]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BlatantLies No, that's stuck fast mate, sorry, nothing I can do about that.]]\\
''[Kaleb attempts to get his boot unstuck, whereupon he gets doused by the solar-powered pump by Clarkson]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(squeals)'' You bastard!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well you got me in the tractor the other day, that is payback.
-->''[Clarkson realizes that his generator is too powerful]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, as I've always said: speed and power doesn't work. Solar power's the answer.
-->''[Clarkson attempts to plant some trees]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' With the wetlands sorted, I plunged into my next project: planting some trees for the government, which in the driest May on record is not the sort of job your right leg will thank you for.
-->''[Clarkson comments on the trees]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' You know what I just thought of? If I plant a tree, by the time it's an actual tree, I'll be dead. So I'm doing all this work for... a bunch of ingrates and millennials. I need to speed this up.
-->''[Clarkson comments on the trees]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And this is what I've ended up with: twenty new trees. Good for insects, good for birds which will nest in them. I don't normally like trees, but I like these ones 'cause they've all got exhaust pipes.
-->''[Clarkson asks Charlie an important question]''\
'''Clarkson:''' I appreciate it, we're doing it for all the right reasons: feed the world, keep the crops healthy. Long term though, some people are saying - I mean they're probably scaremongers, but nevertheless - they're saying that in this country we only have 90 or 100 harvests left before the topsoil is dead. Am I allowed to be a bit worried?\\
'''Charlie:''' It's only right to be worried.
-->''[Clarkson comments on the state of his chickens]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Once Charlie and I had finished the crop walk, I turned my attention to a murder mystery. Normally, my hens look like this.\\
''[footage of Clarkson's hens is shown]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' But, in the last couple of days, they'd started to look like this.\\
''[footage of a dead hen is shown]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And I just worked out what was going on.
-->''[Clarkson gives his reasoning as to why the chickens are being killed]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is a pastoral scene, you would agree. All the sheep rubbing up against the henhouses; there's nothing pastoral about it though, because what they do is they open the henhouse doors. Not making it up, they rub against the catches until- oh, the blue one, they've opened it. Come on.\\
''[Clarkson beckons the camera crew to follow]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' There you go. Come on, clear off. Look, they rub themselves against the catches, so the door opens and the hens can get out. I wonder why they do- I mean, the only reason I can think is that they're bored and they just think "Hey girls, let's just go and let some hens out and see how far they get before they're eaten by the fox.". I mean the foxes live in a hole - I can see it actually from here - in that hedge; basically they're living opposite a branch of [[UsefulNotes/KentuckyFriedChicken KFC]]. The sheep know the foxes are there, they know the hens are here, it's just a game to them!
-->''[Clarkson contacts Kevin and Ellen for shearing]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Kaleb however, dismissed my theory. As we built a fence to stop the problem, he said the sheep were rubbing themselves on the henhouses because they were hot and itchy, which meant it was time to shear them.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, they- basically they live in this field.\\
'''Kevin:''' Yeah, well, there's a story to tell there, isn't there? That's green and that isn't.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' So I gave Kevin from the NSA a call and he was keen to hear how I'd got on with the lambing.
-->''[Kevin finds out how Clarkson did with the lambing]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Overall, all the lambs have survived, except one.\\
'''Kevin:''' That's good.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I did put my hand up one's bottom, by mistake. Bet you've done that.\\
'''Kevin:''' ...no.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It was a honest mistake! I didn't do it on purpose!
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
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Added DiffLines:
-->''[Kaleb airs his grievances]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' The only thing I'm pissed off about is I haven't had my perm done.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
'''Kaleb:''' I haven't had my perm done.\\
''(Clarkson begins laughing)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yesterday, I was gonna have my perm done, but it got canceled.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What, by the hairdresser?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, because of the coronavirus.\\
'''Clarkson:''' This was gonna be your big new hairstyle?\\
'''Kaleb:''' It was, yeah, the next step of the new Kaleb.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, well, I'm not sure that's gonna make the news.
-->''[Clarkson takes pot shots]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I mean, it's so funny. The government said three weeks ago "We think that the idea that British farmers make food for British people is old-fashioned and ridiculous. Buy your food from abroad and we'll just turn the countryside into a big nature park." Now, listen; watch 'em.
-->''[Clarkson's thoughts on lamb birthing]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' At the front, every Easter card made real. At the back, I mean, not even Creator/JohnCarpenter has thought of anything that revolting.
-->''[Kaleb's disinterest in sheep]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Y'know, sheep, I just don't get on well with them. Jeremy's got this to come; y'know, it's summer, it's really hot, he's really busy on the tractor try'na get the corn in, all of a sudden, he sees in the distance there's one sheep twitchin'. So he goes "I'll have a look at that.", all of sudden there's maggots dropping out of it, you know, or it's got its head stuck in a fence and killed itself, 'cause you know for a damn fact it's gonna happen. It's all good when they're lambin'. "Oh, look at that cute lamb!" You wait! Come summer, and they're all getting out and running around the place, he's gonna go "Fucking sheep!".
-->''[Clarkson's comments on castrating lambs]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' He's just been born, "I'm a man, I've got everything I need- oh no, she's put a rubber band 'round them."
-->''[Clarkson asks an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So, you know Leo and Wayne then, now they're in the field, will they be having a go on each other when we're not looking?\\
'''Ellen:''' They won't all the time but every now and again they might. But they still know what to do when it comes to the girls.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Are the ladies- do they do it as well?\\
'''Ellen:''' Not as much, no.\\
'''Clarkson:''' So there's very few lesbian action then?\\
'''Ellen:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' So it's not like the Internet.
-->''[Clarkson gets ready to plant vegetables]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Eager to escape from Little Bo-Peep's torture chamber, I went out into the fields and fired up something called the "roller": the most Series/{{Thunderbirds}}-y farm machine in my entire arsenal.
-->''[Clarkson admires his roller]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, I want- ah, I was gonna say I want one of these. I've actually got one of these. I like it! Why haven't I used that before?!
-->''[Clarkson's rationale for planting vegetables]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So. Despite warnings from Kaleb and Cheerful Charlie that my thinking was idiotic, I was going to plant four acres of vegetables on the basis that in a lockdown world, veg from abroad would soon be in short supply.
-->''[Clarkson's thoughts on farming during lockdown]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It does slightly worry me that I'm gonna get this virus. I read the other day that 90% of the worlds 570 million farms are run by either one man or one family, so if that man or family gets the virus, the farm dies. Farmers are actually being urged to keep diaries so that if somebody is able to come and take over from them they know what to do, but I mean, what do I write in a diary? Who do I tell? Everybody's sitting at home watching Joe Wicks, wiping their arse on their lavatory paper!
-->''[Clarkson's vegetables arrive]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Eventually the preparatory work was done and a couple of days later, the vegetable sets arrived, along with Music/JethroTull's old planting machine.
-->''[Kaleb, Lisa and Clarkson cannot decide who drives]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Oh, I'm planting in the back, I'm not driving?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, I'm- I'm driving.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Are you?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, yeah.\\
'''Lisa:''' Oh, have you decided already?\\
'''Kaleb:''' I have; I'm the tractor driver.\\
'''Lisa:''' Well, let's have a vote. I'll drive.\\
'''Kaleb:''' I'll drive.\\
'''Clarkson:''' But I'm... famous for driving.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah...\\
''[Kaleb dismisses Clarkson]''
-->''[the trio use the planting machine]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Having hitched Mr. Tull's veg machine to Lisa's 60-year old tractor, and wheelied it to the field, we were ready for an afternoon of quiet farming... the old-fashioned way.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Here we go.\\
''[cacophony of squeaking noises from the machine]''
-->''[the trio finish planting]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' After we had been rendered completely deaf by the endless squeaking, it was a blessed relief to get back to the maternity ward. Unfortunately though, I was there on my own.
-->''[Clarkson births a sheep on his own]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' OH, YOU'RE ALIVE! '''I DID A THING!'''
-->''[Clarkson watches a lamb learning how to walk]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's like watching a Ford Cortina start in the 1960s. ''(imitates car starting noises)'' God, in normal times, I'd go and celebrate this in the pub. But all the pubs are shut.
-->''[Clarkson talks about Kaleb's work schedule]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Whilst my life was being run by the sheep, key worker Kaleb was spending every waking hour in the fields. This meant he was able to spot all the mistakes I'd made when I planted the crops four months earlier, including what appeared to be a massive Brazilian.
-->''[Clarkson boasts about his ingenuity]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, there's a bit- ah, I'll admit there's a bit of space there. Oh no, wait. It's here, isn't it?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah. What's that? 40? Was that 40?\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's about 34, 35 meters, this one. But, I did solve the problem!\\
'''Kaleb:''' Go on.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, you know you were worried that people on the main road would see these tramlines all in the wrong place?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Which they did.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Which they did.\\
'''Clarkson:''' No.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yes.\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, cause I didn't trim that hedge! Ha ha! Look, here comes a van, right, watch, here comes the van behind the rape, he's going "Oh that's good rape, that's good rape.", gets to this field, and he's thinking "Oh I wonder how he's done there- and I can't see, can't see.". Look, he can't see it, his window's below the hedge! Come on! That's how you solve problems!
-->''[Clarkson explains his rationale behind opening the shop despite not having planning permission]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Situation is, there's massive panic buying going on- that's fallen over. There's massive panic buying going on of food and bog roll everywhere, huge queues at the supermarkets, so I thought I'd open the shop; I know I'm not supposed to 'cause of planning permission issues, but we've got more important things to think about right now to be brutally honest.
-->''[Clarkson and Lisa total up their earnings]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So, potatoes, how many have we sold?\\
'''Lisa:''' Today?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.\\
'''Lisa:''' Er, £12.50?\\
'''Clarkson:''' I used to get paid a bit more than that on ''Series/WhoWantsToBeAMillionaire'', you know.
-->''[Clarkson spots a stray bottle of beer]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh no, look what I've just found in this puddle!\\
'''Lisa:''' Ah!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Some lady petrol! THIS is about £12.50!\\
''[Lisa laughs]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Which I've chilled.
-->''[Clarkson reflects on recent events]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Life's shit but I'm loving it.
-->''[Clarkson chats with Gerald's wife]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is Gerald alright?\\
'''Gerald's wife:''' Yes, but I think he's gone off.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, I just haven't seen him for a couple of weeks. I thought, no pubs and no [[UsefulNotes/EnglishPremierLeague Manchester United]], he might be having withdrawal symptoms.\\
'''Gerald's wife:''' Well, he has gone a bit mad, but...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, he can cook himself some potatoes, but as long as he's alright.
-->''[Clarkson discovers he has been the target of an arson attempt]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' However, it wasn't all peace and love between me and the locals.\\
''[cut to shot of burning hay bales]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' These were some old hay bales that we made into a silo so we could stop grain and stop kids joyriding on this, um, this old airfield. I'm not a detective, but on the ground here, there are some Rizlas, so what I'm thinking is a group of teenagers decided to ignore the lockdown and, um, set my hay on fire. And we know it is arson 'cause they've set fire to that one as well.
-->''[Kaleb puts out the fire]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Kaleb then had to stop crop spraying to come and put the fire out. This made him very happy.\\
''[Kaleb begins coughing]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(in the distance)'' [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Fuck that!]]\\
'''Kaleb:''' I've started pushin' it off the concrete but my head feels like it's gonna explode and I feel really sick 'cause the smoke is blowin' straight into the cab. It's just fucking annoying! Some idiot come along and goes "Oh you know what'd be funny? You know, I'll go and start the bales over there with a lighter." And then they would've walked off and went home. 'cause they're twats!
-->''[Clarkson's further thoughts on lambing]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Besides learning that there isn't much dignity in a lamb funeral...\\
''[Clarkson disposes of the lamb's corpse]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...I discovered that out in the fields some of the mothers... weren't always very motherly, which meant calling in a neighboring sheep farmer.
-->''[Clarkson views the lambs]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Slightly scary to think the field is now littered with little testicles that have fallen off.
-->''[Clarkson reflects on his lambing experiences]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Despite the discarded testes though, these lambs had turned my farm into a springtime picture postcard of what Britain can and perhaps should look like. I loved having them around, here in this weird little lockdown Diddly Squat commune.
-->''[Clarkson finds an air raid shelter]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' A [[UsefulNotes/WorldWarII Second World War]] underground air raid shelter.\\
''[Clarkson sits in shelter]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' If COVID-19 gets too much, this is where I'll come then.
-->''[Clarkson foreshadows future events]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' But once again, it was all about to go horribly wrong.
'''Kaleb:''' The only thing I'm pissed off about is I haven't had my perm done.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
'''Kaleb:''' I haven't had my perm done.\\
''(Clarkson begins laughing)''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yesterday, I was gonna have my perm done, but it got canceled.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What, by the hairdresser?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, because of the coronavirus.\\
'''Clarkson:''' This was gonna be your big new hairstyle?\\
'''Kaleb:''' It was, yeah, the next step of the new Kaleb.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, well, I'm not sure that's gonna make the news.
-->''[Clarkson takes pot shots]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I mean, it's so funny. The government said three weeks ago "We think that the idea that British farmers make food for British people is old-fashioned and ridiculous. Buy your food from abroad and we'll just turn the countryside into a big nature park." Now, listen; watch 'em.
-->''[Clarkson's thoughts on lamb birthing]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' At the front, every Easter card made real. At the back, I mean, not even Creator/JohnCarpenter has thought of anything that revolting.
-->''[Kaleb's disinterest in sheep]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Y'know, sheep, I just don't get on well with them. Jeremy's got this to come; y'know, it's summer, it's really hot, he's really busy on the tractor try'na get the corn in, all of a sudden, he sees in the distance there's one sheep twitchin'. So he goes "I'll have a look at that.", all of sudden there's maggots dropping out of it, you know, or it's got its head stuck in a fence and killed itself, 'cause you know for a damn fact it's gonna happen. It's all good when they're lambin'. "Oh, look at that cute lamb!" You wait! Come summer, and they're all getting out and running around the place, he's gonna go "Fucking sheep!".
-->''[Clarkson's comments on castrating lambs]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' He's just been born, "I'm a man, I've got everything I need- oh no, she's put a rubber band 'round them."
-->''[Clarkson asks an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So, you know Leo and Wayne then, now they're in the field, will they be having a go on each other when we're not looking?\\
'''Ellen:''' They won't all the time but every now and again they might. But they still know what to do when it comes to the girls.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Are the ladies- do they do it as well?\\
'''Ellen:''' Not as much, no.\\
'''Clarkson:''' So there's very few lesbian action then?\\
'''Ellen:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' So it's not like the Internet.
-->''[Clarkson gets ready to plant vegetables]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Eager to escape from Little Bo-Peep's torture chamber, I went out into the fields and fired up something called the "roller": the most Series/{{Thunderbirds}}-y farm machine in my entire arsenal.
-->''[Clarkson admires his roller]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, I want- ah, I was gonna say I want one of these. I've actually got one of these. I like it! Why haven't I used that before?!
-->''[Clarkson's rationale for planting vegetables]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So. Despite warnings from Kaleb and Cheerful Charlie that my thinking was idiotic, I was going to plant four acres of vegetables on the basis that in a lockdown world, veg from abroad would soon be in short supply.
-->''[Clarkson's thoughts on farming during lockdown]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It does slightly worry me that I'm gonna get this virus. I read the other day that 90% of the worlds 570 million farms are run by either one man or one family, so if that man or family gets the virus, the farm dies. Farmers are actually being urged to keep diaries so that if somebody is able to come and take over from them they know what to do, but I mean, what do I write in a diary? Who do I tell? Everybody's sitting at home watching Joe Wicks, wiping their arse on their lavatory paper!
-->''[Clarkson's vegetables arrive]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Eventually the preparatory work was done and a couple of days later, the vegetable sets arrived, along with Music/JethroTull's old planting machine.
-->''[Kaleb, Lisa and Clarkson cannot decide who drives]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Oh, I'm planting in the back, I'm not driving?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, I'm- I'm driving.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Are you?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, yeah.\\
'''Lisa:''' Oh, have you decided already?\\
'''Kaleb:''' I have; I'm the tractor driver.\\
'''Lisa:''' Well, let's have a vote. I'll drive.\\
'''Kaleb:''' I'll drive.\\
'''Clarkson:''' But I'm... famous for driving.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah...\\
''[Kaleb dismisses Clarkson]''
-->''[the trio use the planting machine]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Having hitched Mr. Tull's veg machine to Lisa's 60-year old tractor, and wheelied it to the field, we were ready for an afternoon of quiet farming... the old-fashioned way.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Here we go.\\
''[cacophony of squeaking noises from the machine]''
-->''[the trio finish planting]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' After we had been rendered completely deaf by the endless squeaking, it was a blessed relief to get back to the maternity ward. Unfortunately though, I was there on my own.
-->''[Clarkson births a sheep on his own]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' OH, YOU'RE ALIVE! '''I DID A THING!'''
-->''[Clarkson watches a lamb learning how to walk]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's like watching a Ford Cortina start in the 1960s. ''(imitates car starting noises)'' God, in normal times, I'd go and celebrate this in the pub. But all the pubs are shut.
-->''[Clarkson talks about Kaleb's work schedule]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Whilst my life was being run by the sheep, key worker Kaleb was spending every waking hour in the fields. This meant he was able to spot all the mistakes I'd made when I planted the crops four months earlier, including what appeared to be a massive Brazilian.
-->''[Clarkson boasts about his ingenuity]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Right, there's a bit- ah, I'll admit there's a bit of space there. Oh no, wait. It's here, isn't it?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah. What's that? 40? Was that 40?\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's about 34, 35 meters, this one. But, I did solve the problem!\\
'''Kaleb:''' Go on.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, you know you were worried that people on the main road would see these tramlines all in the wrong place?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Which they did.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?\\
'''Kaleb:''' Which they did.\\
'''Clarkson:''' No.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yes.\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, cause I didn't trim that hedge! Ha ha! Look, here comes a van, right, watch, here comes the van behind the rape, he's going "Oh that's good rape, that's good rape.", gets to this field, and he's thinking "Oh I wonder how he's done there- and I can't see, can't see.". Look, he can't see it, his window's below the hedge! Come on! That's how you solve problems!
-->''[Clarkson explains his rationale behind opening the shop despite not having planning permission]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Situation is, there's massive panic buying going on- that's fallen over. There's massive panic buying going on of food and bog roll everywhere, huge queues at the supermarkets, so I thought I'd open the shop; I know I'm not supposed to 'cause of planning permission issues, but we've got more important things to think about right now to be brutally honest.
-->''[Clarkson and Lisa total up their earnings]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So, potatoes, how many have we sold?\\
'''Lisa:''' Today?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah.\\
'''Lisa:''' Er, £12.50?\\
'''Clarkson:''' I used to get paid a bit more than that on ''Series/WhoWantsToBeAMillionaire'', you know.
-->''[Clarkson spots a stray bottle of beer]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh no, look what I've just found in this puddle!\\
'''Lisa:''' Ah!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Some lady petrol! THIS is about £12.50!\\
''[Lisa laughs]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Which I've chilled.
-->''[Clarkson reflects on recent events]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Life's shit but I'm loving it.
-->''[Clarkson chats with Gerald's wife]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is Gerald alright?\\
'''Gerald's wife:''' Yes, but I think he's gone off.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, I just haven't seen him for a couple of weeks. I thought, no pubs and no [[UsefulNotes/EnglishPremierLeague Manchester United]], he might be having withdrawal symptoms.\\
'''Gerald's wife:''' Well, he has gone a bit mad, but...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, he can cook himself some potatoes, but as long as he's alright.
-->''[Clarkson discovers he has been the target of an arson attempt]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' However, it wasn't all peace and love between me and the locals.\\
''[cut to shot of burning hay bales]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' These were some old hay bales that we made into a silo so we could stop grain and stop kids joyriding on this, um, this old airfield. I'm not a detective, but on the ground here, there are some Rizlas, so what I'm thinking is a group of teenagers decided to ignore the lockdown and, um, set my hay on fire. And we know it is arson 'cause they've set fire to that one as well.
-->''[Kaleb puts out the fire]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Kaleb then had to stop crop spraying to come and put the fire out. This made him very happy.\\
''[Kaleb begins coughing]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' ''(in the distance)'' [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Fuck that!]]\\
'''Kaleb:''' I've started pushin' it off the concrete but my head feels like it's gonna explode and I feel really sick 'cause the smoke is blowin' straight into the cab. It's just fucking annoying! Some idiot come along and goes "Oh you know what'd be funny? You know, I'll go and start the bales over there with a lighter." And then they would've walked off and went home. 'cause they're twats!
-->''[Clarkson's further thoughts on lambing]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Besides learning that there isn't much dignity in a lamb funeral...\\
''[Clarkson disposes of the lamb's corpse]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...I discovered that out in the fields some of the mothers... weren't always very motherly, which meant calling in a neighboring sheep farmer.
-->''[Clarkson views the lambs]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Slightly scary to think the field is now littered with little testicles that have fallen off.
-->''[Clarkson reflects on his lambing experiences]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Despite the discarded testes though, these lambs had turned my farm into a springtime picture postcard of what Britain can and perhaps should look like. I loved having them around, here in this weird little lockdown Diddly Squat commune.
-->''[Clarkson finds an air raid shelter]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' A [[UsefulNotes/WorldWarII Second World War]] underground air raid shelter.\\
''[Clarkson sits in shelter]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' If COVID-19 gets too much, this is where I'll come then.
-->''[Clarkson foreshadows future events]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' But once again, it was all about to go horribly wrong.
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Changed line(s) 394 (click to see context) from:
to:
-->''[Clarkson talking about his lambs]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' There are very, very few pleasures in life as great as opening the fridge door and finding a surprise piece of cold lamb in there. Slice it up, white bread, thin layer of butter.\\
'''Kevin:''' And chutney?\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, 'cause then you don't taste the lamb.
-->''[Clarkson's thoughts on the situation]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' As February gave way to March, I figured there was really only one thing to worry about: the impending birth of my lambs. But then, out of nowhere, there was [[UsefulNotes/COVID19Pandemic a second thing]] to worry about.
-->''[Clarkson's thoughts on COVID-19]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' How are you?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, scared shitless.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Are you?\\
'''Clarkson:''' You're... 22.\\
'''Kaleb:''' 21.\\
'''Clarkson:''' 21. I'm pushing 60, I've smoked three-quarters of a million cigarettes, I've had pneumonia so my lungs are scarred. If I get it...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, there's not a lot of hope.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's a worry, this.
'''Clarkson:''' There are very, very few pleasures in life as great as opening the fridge door and finding a surprise piece of cold lamb in there. Slice it up, white bread, thin layer of butter.\\
'''Kevin:''' And chutney?\\
'''Clarkson:''' No, 'cause then you don't taste the lamb.
-->''[Clarkson's thoughts on the situation]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' As February gave way to March, I figured there was really only one thing to worry about: the impending birth of my lambs. But then, out of nowhere, there was [[UsefulNotes/COVID19Pandemic a second thing]] to worry about.
-->''[Clarkson's thoughts on COVID-19]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' How are you?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well, scared shitless.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Are you?\\
'''Clarkson:''' You're... 22.\\
'''Kaleb:''' 21.\\
'''Clarkson:''' 21. I'm pushing 60, I've smoked three-quarters of a million cigarettes, I've had pneumonia so my lungs are scarred. If I get it...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah, there's not a lot of hope.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's a worry, this.
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
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Added DiffLines:
-->''[Clarkson on his dam]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Finally, some good news on the dam front. It's holding water. It's taken me... three weeks? I've ruined two shirts, four pairs of jeans snd broken two of Kaleb's battery-operated power drills, but I've done it. Look at this!\\
''[Clarkson sees the dam leaking water]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''[[TheScream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!]]'''
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Changed line(s) 267,268 (click to see context) from:
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' But no matter: the shop was now on the map and there was always tomorrow. Except, as it turned out, there wasn't.//
''[shot shows the shop locked up]''//
''[shot shows the shop locked up]''//
to:
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' But no matter: the shop was now on the map and there was always tomorrow. Except, as it turned out, there wasn't.//
\\
''[shot shows the shop lockedup]''//up]''\\
''[shot shows the shop locked
Changed line(s) 272 (click to see context) from:
to:
-->''[Clarkson explains his rationale for wilding]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The problem is that as farm equipment has got bigger and more efficient, fields have had to get bigger and more efficient, which means that since [[UsefulNotes/WorldWarII the war]], Britain has lost 140,000 miles of hedgerows. It's lost 40% of its ancient woodlands. It's lost 97% of all its wildflower meadows. Everywhere where insects like to live is disappearing. And I've decided to do something about that.
-->''[Clarkson views the trap camera footage for presence of water voles]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've seen more wildlife in Music/PaulMcCartney's fridge.
-->''[Clarkson drives an excavator]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The speed!
-->''[Clarkson loses control of his excavator]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's movi- I'm not touching anything and I'm just moving down. Oh shit. I'm just skidding, I'm just skidding! Shit, shit!
-->''[Clarkson finds a trench he dug has inadvertently filled with water]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's filled up with water! A lot of water! And that's happened in... an hour! Shit!
-->''[Lisa gives Clarkson a lecture]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' That piece of string is the dam.\\
'''Lisa:''' What?!\\
''[Lisa inspects the dam]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Sorry, where is our pond?! This is not what we discussed!\\
'''Clarkson:''' The pond's down there! It's already a pond, but it shouldn't be just yet! So I can't work on that, so I'm working on this wetland now.\\
'''Lisa:''' I have no idea what this means! What the fuck are you doing up here? This is just a-\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's a wetland area! It'll flood onto this bit and create a wetland area for insects.\\
''[Lisa inspects Clarkson's work]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Holy shit, Jeremy! What are you gonna do with all this soil?! Nothing's gonna come and live here!\\
''[Lisa sees more damage that Clarkson caused]''\\
'''Lisa:''' ''(gasp)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well you know the movie ''Film/NineteenSeventeen''? They wanted to see if this would do as a follow-up.\\
'''Lisa:''' Is that not good enough for you, that mess you've done there and you had to do another mess up there?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, Creator/SamMendes called, he's thinking of doing ''1918''.\\
'''Lisa:''' What was wrong with that mess? Why did you have to do a new mess?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Why does everyone shout at me all the time?! Literally, I get up in the morning and people shout at me. Kaleb shouts at me, Charlie shouts at me...
-->''[Kaleb goes on a rant about Clarkson]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Fucking idiot. If you didn't get the fucking thing stuck, I wouldn't have come down here to get you unstuck. Now I think I'm going to fucking fall over... fucking hell...
-->''[Kaleb and Clarkson communicate to get their tractors unstuck]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Really slowly, that's it, keep that tight, okay?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, I've never driven anything before so keep the advice coming.\\
''[Clarkson realizes something]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh shit, I'm not in four-wheel drive. He's gonna kill me.
-->''[Clarkson attempting to describe the finished form of his wilding project to Charlie]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' But imagine this. Come down here and use your imagination, okay? What you're seeing now is just the Somme. Yeah?\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah, no, no, I can see that. That's- that's- \\
'''Clarkson:''' But now, thin your eyes. A kingfisher on that branch there, a family of otters gamboling here, down there, perhaps a heron waiting for a tasty morsel. This all banked, grass, wildflowers. I mean, ecoists get their cocks out for this kind of thing, don't they?
-->''[Clarkson justifying his actions]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm doing it for the sake of nature, which I like.\\
'''Charlie:''' Correct.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm not gonna have somebody with an O level in biology coming along telling me "Oh, well you've ruined the habitat.". It's only a few anthills got knocked over.
-->''[Clarkson admits fault]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The truth is, though, that I had made a mess. So there was only one thing for it: get Kaleb to tidy everything up.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Jesus.
-->''[Clarkson describes his John Deere wheeled tree harvester]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It is an eight-wheel drive articulated half-million pound maths machine.
-->''[Clarkson chats with Roy Dennis]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Can I just say, Roy, two things. One, I thought [[UsefulNotes/FormulaOne Ron Dennis]] was coming, and he's a very different sort of man.\\
''[Roy laughs]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And secondly I'm very jealous of your binoculars. I had a pair identical to that. [[Series/TopGearUK They're in a Porsche at a police station in Argentina.]]
-->''[Clarkson has a plan]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' To attract more owls, I decided that I should carpet bomb the whole farm with owl boxes where they could live.
-->''[Clarkson assembles an owl box wrongly]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh for-
-->''[Clarkson counts the items for this project]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Cement, rope, power drill and some owl boxes that I made. [[BlatantLies That I didn't order from Amazon at all, not at all.]]
-->''[Clarkson notices that he did something wrong]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh no, wait a minute. Mate...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That is nowhere near straight.\\
'''Kaleb:''' It's really not!\\
'''Clarkson:''' But, on the upside, we did forget to put the owl box on the top of it. Shit!
-->''[Clarkson talks about his dam]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Built the dam with all this clay along the front of it, but God has looked at my endeavors and said "Yes, but I've made this hole here.". You can see the whirlpool, look. "And all the water shall go through that and go under your dam."\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' That night, God did a full Guy Gibson number, which meant that I had to forget about the owls and do some repair work.
-->''[Clarkson asks an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So if a man bee stings you it dies, and if a man bee has sex, its penis comes off. Is that true?\\
'''Viktor:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That would be annoying.
-->''[Clarkson gets stung]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So as soon as the big burly Ukrainian has turned his back, I'm going to roll around on the ground going "I'VE BEEN STUNG!"
-->''[Clarkson's monologue on badgers]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(whispering)'' I HATE badgers. Apart from the fact they've eaten just about every hedgehog in Britain, they're like teenagers. They lie in bed all day, get up at night, transmit diseases, knock walls over and then when the sun comes up, they go back to bed again.\\
''(switches back to normal voice)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Today, however... they wouldn't be getting any sleep at all.
-->''[Kevin comments on Clarkson's gloves]''\\
'''Kevin:''' They your driving gloves?\\
'''Clarkson:''' No!\\
'''Kevin:''' I've never seen a sheep farmer wearing gloves like that.
-->''[Clarkson gets back to his wilding project]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Today's the day when I create a channel, let's call it the Suez, between the stream and the open-cast mine that I've dug, using nothing more than Kaleb's miserable little digger.
-->''[Clarkson brags about his accomplishments to Kaleb]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Behold what I have created! I am- I am [[Literature/BookOfExodus Moses]]!\\
'''Kaleb:''' [[PopCulturalOsmosisFailure Who's Moses?]]
-->''[Clarkson gets ready to add trout to his wilding project]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Are they gonna be alright falling from that height?\\
'''Tim:''' That's the way to do it. I'm sure you've seen the photos of the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lockheed_C-130_Hercules Herculeses]] dropping trout into the Great Lakes in Canada - which they do from aeroplanes.\\
'''Clarkson:''' No.\\
'''Tim:''' The splash of them going in there is absolutely fine, and that wakes them up and we'll let them go away. If you just gently net them in, the fish will lie on the side and drown at the bottom.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?! So they're like sheep, but with fins?\\
'''Tim:''' Yes.
'''Clarkson:''' The problem is that as farm equipment has got bigger and more efficient, fields have had to get bigger and more efficient, which means that since [[UsefulNotes/WorldWarII the war]], Britain has lost 140,000 miles of hedgerows. It's lost 40% of its ancient woodlands. It's lost 97% of all its wildflower meadows. Everywhere where insects like to live is disappearing. And I've decided to do something about that.
-->''[Clarkson views the trap camera footage for presence of water voles]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I've seen more wildlife in Music/PaulMcCartney's fridge.
-->''[Clarkson drives an excavator]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The speed!
-->''[Clarkson loses control of his excavator]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's movi- I'm not touching anything and I'm just moving down. Oh shit. I'm just skidding, I'm just skidding! Shit, shit!
-->''[Clarkson finds a trench he dug has inadvertently filled with water]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's filled up with water! A lot of water! And that's happened in... an hour! Shit!
-->''[Lisa gives Clarkson a lecture]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' That piece of string is the dam.\\
'''Lisa:''' What?!\\
''[Lisa inspects the dam]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Sorry, where is our pond?! This is not what we discussed!\\
'''Clarkson:''' The pond's down there! It's already a pond, but it shouldn't be just yet! So I can't work on that, so I'm working on this wetland now.\\
'''Lisa:''' I have no idea what this means! What the fuck are you doing up here? This is just a-\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's a wetland area! It'll flood onto this bit and create a wetland area for insects.\\
''[Lisa inspects Clarkson's work]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Holy shit, Jeremy! What are you gonna do with all this soil?! Nothing's gonna come and live here!\\
''[Lisa sees more damage that Clarkson caused]''\\
'''Lisa:''' ''(gasp)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Well you know the movie ''Film/NineteenSeventeen''? They wanted to see if this would do as a follow-up.\\
'''Lisa:''' Is that not good enough for you, that mess you've done there and you had to do another mess up there?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, Creator/SamMendes called, he's thinking of doing ''1918''.\\
'''Lisa:''' What was wrong with that mess? Why did you have to do a new mess?!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Why does everyone shout at me all the time?! Literally, I get up in the morning and people shout at me. Kaleb shouts at me, Charlie shouts at me...
-->''[Kaleb goes on a rant about Clarkson]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Fucking idiot. If you didn't get the fucking thing stuck, I wouldn't have come down here to get you unstuck. Now I think I'm going to fucking fall over... fucking hell...
-->''[Kaleb and Clarkson communicate to get their tractors unstuck]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Really slowly, that's it, keep that tight, okay?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, I've never driven anything before so keep the advice coming.\\
''[Clarkson realizes something]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh shit, I'm not in four-wheel drive. He's gonna kill me.
-->''[Clarkson attempting to describe the finished form of his wilding project to Charlie]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' But imagine this. Come down here and use your imagination, okay? What you're seeing now is just the Somme. Yeah?\\
'''Charlie:''' Yeah, no, no, I can see that. That's- that's- \\
'''Clarkson:''' But now, thin your eyes. A kingfisher on that branch there, a family of otters gamboling here, down there, perhaps a heron waiting for a tasty morsel. This all banked, grass, wildflowers. I mean, ecoists get their cocks out for this kind of thing, don't they?
-->''[Clarkson justifying his actions]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm doing it for the sake of nature, which I like.\\
'''Charlie:''' Correct.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm not gonna have somebody with an O level in biology coming along telling me "Oh, well you've ruined the habitat.". It's only a few anthills got knocked over.
-->''[Clarkson admits fault]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The truth is, though, that I had made a mess. So there was only one thing for it: get Kaleb to tidy everything up.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Jesus.
-->''[Clarkson describes his John Deere wheeled tree harvester]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It is an eight-wheel drive articulated half-million pound maths machine.
-->''[Clarkson chats with Roy Dennis]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Can I just say, Roy, two things. One, I thought [[UsefulNotes/FormulaOne Ron Dennis]] was coming, and he's a very different sort of man.\\
''[Roy laughs]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And secondly I'm very jealous of your binoculars. I had a pair identical to that. [[Series/TopGearUK They're in a Porsche at a police station in Argentina.]]
-->''[Clarkson has a plan]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' To attract more owls, I decided that I should carpet bomb the whole farm with owl boxes where they could live.
-->''[Clarkson assembles an owl box wrongly]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh for-
-->''[Clarkson counts the items for this project]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Cement, rope, power drill and some owl boxes that I made. [[BlatantLies That I didn't order from Amazon at all, not at all.]]
-->''[Clarkson notices that he did something wrong]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh no, wait a minute. Mate...\\
'''Kaleb:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That is nowhere near straight.\\
'''Kaleb:''' It's really not!\\
'''Clarkson:''' But, on the upside, we did forget to put the owl box on the top of it. Shit!
-->''[Clarkson talks about his dam]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Built the dam with all this clay along the front of it, but God has looked at my endeavors and said "Yes, but I've made this hole here.". You can see the whirlpool, look. "And all the water shall go through that and go under your dam."\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' That night, God did a full Guy Gibson number, which meant that I had to forget about the owls and do some repair work.
-->''[Clarkson asks an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So if a man bee stings you it dies, and if a man bee has sex, its penis comes off. Is that true?\\
'''Viktor:''' Yeah.\\
'''Clarkson:''' That would be annoying.
-->''[Clarkson gets stung]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So as soon as the big burly Ukrainian has turned his back, I'm going to roll around on the ground going "I'VE BEEN STUNG!"
-->''[Clarkson's monologue on badgers]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ''(whispering)'' I HATE badgers. Apart from the fact they've eaten just about every hedgehog in Britain, they're like teenagers. They lie in bed all day, get up at night, transmit diseases, knock walls over and then when the sun comes up, they go back to bed again.\\
''(switches back to normal voice)''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Today, however... they wouldn't be getting any sleep at all.
-->''[Kevin comments on Clarkson's gloves]''\\
'''Kevin:''' They your driving gloves?\\
'''Clarkson:''' No!\\
'''Kevin:''' I've never seen a sheep farmer wearing gloves like that.
-->''[Clarkson gets back to his wilding project]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Today's the day when I create a channel, let's call it the Suez, between the stream and the open-cast mine that I've dug, using nothing more than Kaleb's miserable little digger.
-->''[Clarkson brags about his accomplishments to Kaleb]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Behold what I have created! I am- I am [[Literature/BookOfExodus Moses]]!\\
'''Kaleb:''' [[PopCulturalOsmosisFailure Who's Moses?]]
-->''[Clarkson gets ready to add trout to his wilding project]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Are they gonna be alright falling from that height?\\
'''Tim:''' That's the way to do it. I'm sure you've seen the photos of the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lockheed_C-130_Hercules Herculeses]] dropping trout into the Great Lakes in Canada - which they do from aeroplanes.\\
'''Clarkson:''' No.\\
'''Tim:''' The splash of them going in there is absolutely fine, and that wakes them up and we'll let them go away. If you just gently net them in, the fish will lie on the side and drown at the bottom.\\
'''Clarkson:''' What?! So they're like sheep, but with fins?\\
'''Tim:''' Yes.
Changed line(s) 302,304 (click to see context) from:
-->''[Clarkson talks about a bee suit]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Here's the funny thing about bees, as we discovered. This is a bee suit; it's got zip-up down here and you're in one suit, it comes up, round here there's a hat with a mesh on it. But the bee, looks at that and goes "There is a way in."; it's like they're in that in ''Film/TheGreatEscape''. And one of them found a way into the bottom of my trousers, went all the way up on the outside of my jeans, then found the... gap between the jean-trouser and my t-shirt, crawled along there, thought "Ah, here's a crack.", down the crack, and then thought "Ready, and... go!". Killed itself, but knew as it died, how much pain it had brought me. It was funny.
'''Clarkson:''' Here's the funny thing about bees, as we discovered. This is a bee suit; it's got zip-up down here and you're in one suit, it comes up, round here there's a hat with a mesh on it. But the bee, looks at that and goes "There is a way in."; it's like they're in that in ''Film/TheGreatEscape''. And one of them found a way into the bottom of my trousers, went all the way up on the outside of my jeans, then found the... gap between the jean-trouser and my t-shirt, crawled along there, thought "Ah, here's a crack.", down the crack, and then thought "Ready, and... go!". Killed itself, but knew as it died, how much pain it had brought me. It was funny.
to:
-->''[Clarkson talks gives an anecdote about a bee suit]''\\
bees]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Here's the funny thing about bees, as we discovered. This is a bee suit; it's got zip-up down here and you're in one suit, it comes up, round here there's a hat with a mesh on it. But the bee, looks at that and goes "There is a way in."; it's like they're in that in ''Film/TheGreatEscape''. And one of them found a way into the bottom of my trousers, went all the way up on the outside of my jeans, then found the... gap between the jean-trouser and my t-shirt, crawled along there, thought "Ah, here's a crack.", down the crack, and then thought "Ready, and... go!". Killed itself, but knew as itdied, died how much pain it had brought me. It was funny.
'''Clarkson:''' Here's the funny thing about bees, as we discovered. This is a bee suit; it's got zip-up down here and you're in one suit, it comes up, round here there's a hat with a mesh on it. But the bee, looks at that and goes "There is a way in."; it's like they're in that in ''Film/TheGreatEscape''. And one of them found a way into the bottom of my trousers, went all the way up on the outside of my jeans, then found the... gap between the jean-trouser and my t-shirt, crawled along there, thought "Ah, here's a crack.", down the crack, and then thought "Ready, and... go!". Killed itself, but knew as it
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
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Changed line(s) 302 (click to see context) from:
-->''[Clarkson talks about a bee suit]''//
to:
-->''[Clarkson talks about a bee suit]''//suit]''\\
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
None
Changed line(s) 302 (click to see context) from:
to:
-->''[Clarkson talks about a bee suit]''//
'''Clarkson:''' Here's the funny thing about bees, as we discovered. This is a bee suit; it's got zip-up down here and you're in one suit, it comes up, round here there's a hat with a mesh on it. But the bee, looks at that and goes "There is a way in."; it's like they're in that in ''Film/TheGreatEscape''. And one of them found a way into the bottom of my trousers, went all the way up on the outside of my jeans, then found the... gap between the jean-trouser and my t-shirt, crawled along there, thought "Ah, here's a crack.", down the crack, and then thought "Ready, and... go!". Killed itself, but knew as it died, how much pain it had brought me. It was funny.
'''Clarkson:''' Here's the funny thing about bees, as we discovered. This is a bee suit; it's got zip-up down here and you're in one suit, it comes up, round here there's a hat with a mesh on it. But the bee, looks at that and goes "There is a way in."; it's like they're in that in ''Film/TheGreatEscape''. And one of them found a way into the bottom of my trousers, went all the way up on the outside of my jeans, then found the... gap between the jean-trouser and my t-shirt, crawled along there, thought "Ah, here's a crack.", down the crack, and then thought "Ready, and... go!". Killed itself, but knew as it died, how much pain it had brought me. It was funny.
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
None
Changed line(s) 151 (click to see context) from:
''[Clarkson is perplexed at the existence of an accident book]''\\
to:
Changed line(s) 154 (click to see context) from:
''[Clarkson gloats about his tractor]''\\
to:
Changed line(s) 158 (click to see context) from:
to:
-->''[Clarkson buying ingredients for a ploughman's lunch]''\\
'''Cashier:''' Would you like a receipt?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Uh, yeah, because nobody will believe me otherwise.
-->''[Clarkson has an idea]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' This however turned out to be a wise investment, because on the way home, a five-million watt lightbulb went on in my head.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Farm shop! Why would I not do that?! If I put up a little barn somewhere, fill it with all the produce that comes off the farm... that's not a bad idea!\\
'''Clarkson:''' In fact, it was a brilliant idea. And I even had a location in mind.
-->''[Clarkson talks about the proposed site]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This isn't used for farming; it's just waste ground. There's a road there, gate there, so there's good access, but best of all, behind these trees, come and look.\\
''[Clarkson walks towards the gate]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Through this little gate here, caravan site. Endlessly changing customers. And they'll never be able to tell the people the following week how bad my shop is, if it is bad! No bad word of mouth!
-->''[Clarkson checks on his potatoes]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So, after Alan suggested I go and do something else, I went on to check on the small patch of experimental potatoes I planted on spec a few months earlier.
-->''[Clarkson sees his potatoes]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''[[{{Catchphrase}} I'VE GROWN A THING!]]'''\\
''[Clarkson finds more potatoes]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Another one! There's millions of them! There's like, five! Look at that!
-->''[Clarkson attempts to use a topping machine]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Jeremy, can you hear me? It's Kaleb.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, got you.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Might want to drop the topper down. It might help a little bit.\\
''[Clarkson realizes]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Rookie error.\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BlatantLies Yeah, yeah, I knew that.]] I'm just gonna go back to the start now and actually do that it with the topper lowered. Because I think that will make a huge difference.
-->''[Clarkson talks about Chris Tarrant]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So he beat me to the Chadlington water story, and then he beat me to ''Series/WhoWantsToBeAMillionaire''. I just live in the man's shadow.
-->''[Clarkson describes his Lumag mini-dumper]''\\
'''Clarkson:'' Single-cylinder engine, 0.16 liters, top speed: 3. I'm gonna call it the Creator/JamesMay.
-->''[Clarkson writes a business plan]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Having typed in every phrase I've ever heard on ''Series/TheApprentice'', I submitted a business plan, and amazingly, it worked! Because shortly after, planning permission was granted.
-->''[Clarkson names his chickens]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So we're gonna call them- not Free Range Chickens, but "Good Exercise Chickens".
-->''[Clarkson and Kaleb build a fence]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And so, the next day, we reconvened to build the fence.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Hold it from the bottom of the post. Square it up.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Using a machine Kaleb called...\\
''[fence post driver hits fence]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' His "man-killer".
-->''[Clarkson slogs the entire day building fences]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And so the day continued under the lash of the rural Ant Middleton.
-->''[Clarkson asks an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Does a chicken... lay eggs out of its arse... or its va-gina?
-->''[Clarkson is informed about particles in the drinking water feeding his house]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' "A positive coliform sample should be considered an indication of feces in your source." The pond that feeds the house where I live... is riddled with literally everything in such vast quantities, that... well, it explains why [[{{Pun}} I'm so full of shit]], because that's what I've been living on these last few years. It's just a torrent of turds.
-->''[Clarkson checks on the contents of his honesty box]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' As it turned out, the honesty box attracted people who were honest. Mostly.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Somebody has left me this bottle top... because they are [[CountryMatters cunts]].[[note]]Bleeped out in show[[/note]] But some people... have left actual money!
-->''[Clarkson's honesty box scheme works]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' OH, I'M JUST SO RICH!
-->''[Clarkson records a commercial for the trailer park]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hi, I'm Jeremy Clarkson, and as I've always said, you can't beat a caravan holiday!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' A site like this offers Camping and Caravan Club members access to the great outdoors for as little as £41 a year.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I think it's brightening up.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' And it's a great place to enjoy some al fresco dining, or maybe a bit of sport, with people from all walks of life.\\
'''Clarkson:''' So come on, beat those Brexit blues and take your holiday this year in a good old British field. You won't regret it! Cheers!
-->''[Clarkson describes the farm shop]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's like Fortnum & Mason's, in my mind.\\
'''Alan:''' It's what?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, don't say you don't know what Fortnum & Mason's is.\\
'''Alan:''' Not a clue.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's a big shop in Piccadilly.\\
'''Alan:''' You've done that- you've done that fucking deliberate.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Harrods. It's like Harrods.\\
'''Alan:''' Alright, we know what Harrods is.
-->''[Alan lectures Clarkson on global warming]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Alright, I'm gonna go find something to sell. It's just never gonna stop raining, isn't it?\\
'''Alan:''' Stop raining?! It hasn't stopped for eight weeks! Let me tell you summa'; [[RealityEnsues this is global warming]]. You racing about all your life in vehicles!\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm sorry, what car is that over there?\\
''[Clarkson points to Alan's van]''\\
'''Alan:''' No, mine is electric, that van! Thirty years of you boutin' about in them, and [[Series/TopGearUK other]] [[Series/TheGrandTour people]], ruined our fuckin' world for next generation!\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BerserkButton Just unbelievable horse shit!]]
-->''[Clarkson shares his opinions on Twitter]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Twitter now is just an opportunity for very left-wing people to express increasingly left-wing views to other left-wing people.
-->''[Kaleb gives Clarkson a suggestion about what could be done with unsold potatoes]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' There's a thing that you can actually go and have a potato fight with people. Get there, get drunk and you can chuck potatoes with each other!
-->''[Clarkson complains about the council's lack of availability]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is it 1974? Have I been asleep and woken up in the '70s? Come on!
-->''[Clarkson sees the crowd gathering in front of his shop]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Holy cow! Oh my giddy aunt. No, seriously, look down there. Look down there: it is quite literally as far as the eye can see. Oh my God, what have I done?!
-->''[Clarkson hears the earnings call for the day]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm a human tripod!
-->''[Lisa puts the potato issue into sharp focus]''\\
'''Lisa:''' We have sold so many potatoes. And we have so many left, Jeremy.
-->''[Clarkson talks about the next day]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' But no matter: the shop was now on the map and there was always tomorrow. Except, as it turned out, there wasn't.//
''[shot shows the shop locked up]''//
'''Clarkson:''' I've been closed down. I have in my hand a piece of paper from the council; they're unhappy with the tin roof, they say they want it to be made of slate. And obviously, if they're not happy, I don't have planning permission and if I don't have planning permission I can't be open. Which means this is the shortest farm shop business in history. Something will go right one day, it has to. It has to.
'''Cashier:''' Would you like a receipt?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Uh, yeah, because nobody will believe me otherwise.
-->''[Clarkson has an idea]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' This however turned out to be a wise investment, because on the way home, a five-million watt lightbulb went on in my head.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Farm shop! Why would I not do that?! If I put up a little barn somewhere, fill it with all the produce that comes off the farm... that's not a bad idea!\\
'''Clarkson:''' In fact, it was a brilliant idea. And I even had a location in mind.
-->''[Clarkson talks about the proposed site]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This isn't used for farming; it's just waste ground. There's a road there, gate there, so there's good access, but best of all, behind these trees, come and look.\\
''[Clarkson walks towards the gate]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Through this little gate here, caravan site. Endlessly changing customers. And they'll never be able to tell the people the following week how bad my shop is, if it is bad! No bad word of mouth!
-->''[Clarkson checks on his potatoes]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So, after Alan suggested I go and do something else, I went on to check on the small patch of experimental potatoes I planted on spec a few months earlier.
-->''[Clarkson sees his potatoes]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' '''[[{{Catchphrase}} I'VE GROWN A THING!]]'''\\
''[Clarkson finds more potatoes]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Another one! There's millions of them! There's like, five! Look at that!
-->''[Clarkson attempts to use a topping machine]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Jeremy, can you hear me? It's Kaleb.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Yeah, got you.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Might want to drop the topper down. It might help a little bit.\\
''[Clarkson realizes]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' Rookie error.\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BlatantLies Yeah, yeah, I knew that.]] I'm just gonna go back to the start now and actually do that it with the topper lowered. Because I think that will make a huge difference.
-->''[Clarkson talks about Chris Tarrant]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So he beat me to the Chadlington water story, and then he beat me to ''Series/WhoWantsToBeAMillionaire''. I just live in the man's shadow.
-->''[Clarkson describes his Lumag mini-dumper]''\\
'''Clarkson:'' Single-cylinder engine, 0.16 liters, top speed: 3. I'm gonna call it the Creator/JamesMay.
-->''[Clarkson writes a business plan]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Having typed in every phrase I've ever heard on ''Series/TheApprentice'', I submitted a business plan, and amazingly, it worked! Because shortly after, planning permission was granted.
-->''[Clarkson names his chickens]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So we're gonna call them- not Free Range Chickens, but "Good Exercise Chickens".
-->''[Clarkson and Kaleb build a fence]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And so, the next day, we reconvened to build the fence.\\
'''Kaleb:''' Hold it from the bottom of the post. Square it up.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Using a machine Kaleb called...\\
''[fence post driver hits fence]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' His "man-killer".
-->''[Clarkson slogs the entire day building fences]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And so the day continued under the lash of the rural Ant Middleton.
-->''[Clarkson asks an important question]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Does a chicken... lay eggs out of its arse... or its va-gina?
-->''[Clarkson is informed about particles in the drinking water feeding his house]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' "A positive coliform sample should be considered an indication of feces in your source." The pond that feeds the house where I live... is riddled with literally everything in such vast quantities, that... well, it explains why [[{{Pun}} I'm so full of shit]], because that's what I've been living on these last few years. It's just a torrent of turds.
-->''[Clarkson checks on the contents of his honesty box]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' As it turned out, the honesty box attracted people who were honest. Mostly.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Somebody has left me this bottle top... because they are [[CountryMatters cunts]].[[note]]Bleeped out in show[[/note]] But some people... have left actual money!
-->''[Clarkson's honesty box scheme works]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' OH, I'M JUST SO RICH!
-->''[Clarkson records a commercial for the trailer park]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hi, I'm Jeremy Clarkson, and as I've always said, you can't beat a caravan holiday!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' A site like this offers Camping and Caravan Club members access to the great outdoors for as little as £41 a year.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I think it's brightening up.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' And it's a great place to enjoy some al fresco dining, or maybe a bit of sport, with people from all walks of life.\\
'''Clarkson:''' So come on, beat those Brexit blues and take your holiday this year in a good old British field. You won't regret it! Cheers!
-->''[Clarkson describes the farm shop]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's like Fortnum & Mason's, in my mind.\\
'''Alan:''' It's what?\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh, don't say you don't know what Fortnum & Mason's is.\\
'''Alan:''' Not a clue.\\
'''Clarkson:''' It's a big shop in Piccadilly.\\
'''Alan:''' You've done that- you've done that fucking deliberate.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Harrods. It's like Harrods.\\
'''Alan:''' Alright, we know what Harrods is.
-->''[Alan lectures Clarkson on global warming]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Alright, I'm gonna go find something to sell. It's just never gonna stop raining, isn't it?\\
'''Alan:''' Stop raining?! It hasn't stopped for eight weeks! Let me tell you summa'; [[RealityEnsues this is global warming]]. You racing about all your life in vehicles!\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm sorry, what car is that over there?\\
''[Clarkson points to Alan's van]''\\
'''Alan:''' No, mine is electric, that van! Thirty years of you boutin' about in them, and [[Series/TopGearUK other]] [[Series/TheGrandTour people]], ruined our fuckin' world for next generation!\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[BerserkButton Just unbelievable horse shit!]]
-->''[Clarkson shares his opinions on Twitter]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Twitter now is just an opportunity for very left-wing people to express increasingly left-wing views to other left-wing people.
-->''[Kaleb gives Clarkson a suggestion about what could be done with unsold potatoes]''\\
'''Kaleb:''' There's a thing that you can actually go and have a potato fight with people. Get there, get drunk and you can chuck potatoes with each other!
-->''[Clarkson complains about the council's lack of availability]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is it 1974? Have I been asleep and woken up in the '70s? Come on!
-->''[Clarkson sees the crowd gathering in front of his shop]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Holy cow! Oh my giddy aunt. No, seriously, look down there. Look down there: it is quite literally as far as the eye can see. Oh my God, what have I done?!
-->''[Clarkson hears the earnings call for the day]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm a human tripod!
-->''[Lisa puts the potato issue into sharp focus]''\\
'''Lisa:''' We have sold so many potatoes. And we have so many left, Jeremy.
-->''[Clarkson talks about the next day]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' But no matter: the shop was now on the map and there was always tomorrow. Except, as it turned out, there wasn't.//
''[shot shows the shop locked up]''//
'''Clarkson:''' I've been closed down. I have in my hand a piece of paper from the council; they're unhappy with the tin roof, they say they want it to be made of slate. And obviously, if they're not happy, I don't have planning permission and if I don't have planning permission I can't be open. Which means this is the shortest farm shop business in history. Something will go right one day, it has to. It has to.
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''[Clarkson is perplexed at the existence of an accident book]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' So it's a woke accident book?
''[Clarkson gloats about his tractor]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ha ha! Too big my arse!
'''Clarkson:''' So it's a woke accident book?
''[Clarkson gloats about his tractor]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ha ha! Too big my arse!
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-->''[Clarkson using his "innovation" to set up an electric fence]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Now what they want me to do is walk around the field with this. Three times.\\
''[Clarkson uses his Range Rover to fix up the fence]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' God, I am clever.
-->''[Clarkson tests out his electric fence and gets shocked in the process]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Argh! You bastard!
-->''[Clarkson and his barking drone]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' In just 25 minutes, I've completely mastered sheeping.\\
''[sheep begin rampaging into the village]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Jeremy, you're going too fast! I can't stop them going into the village!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh no, shit! For heavens... please stop!
-->''[Clarkson is exhausted]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Phew. I'm going to have a coronary...\\
'''Lisa:''' How fast do they move?! I mean, this thing is good!\\
'''Clarkson:''' I mean, as you know, [[BlatantLies I am an incredible athlete and can run at phenomenal speeds]], but I can't keep up with the sheep!
-->''[Clarkson's barking drone no longer works]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' A few days later, having eaten everything in their new field, the sheeps needed to be moved again.\\
''[barking drone flies into action]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And this time, I discovered that sheep are not only the most sickly animals in the world, they're also... the most disobedient.
-->''[Clarkson gives up]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Fuck it. Go live in that field. Get run over. See if I care!\\
''[cuts to close-up camera]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I fucking hate sheep. I fucking hate them! I cannot wait to eat them. I cannot wait!
-->''[Clarkson introduces Gerald]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Along with the gum-chewing insolence, the sheep were also extremely destructive.\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is stupid!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Still, this relentless vandalism does provide work for a wonderful local chap called Gerald.\\
''[Clarkson waves to Gerald from his car]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hi, Gerald.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I love chatting with him, [[BunnyEarsLawyer even though most of the time]], [[TheUnintelligible I'm never entirely sure what we're chatting about.]]
-->''[Clarkson investigates the problem with water sources]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Feeling like [[Film/ManonDesSources Jean de Florette]], I set about investigating the problem.
-->''[Clarkson tries water divining]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' To humor him, I said I'd wander about with his coat hangers, but, when I passed a trough full of rain water...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Look at that. That is bizarre! Look at- look at that! Ha ha! That's astonishing!
-->''[Clarkson deduces there is a tank nearby]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Having used witchcraft to establish the pipes still exist, I reckoned that somewhere, there must be a tank that fed them all, and that logically, it would be located on high ground.
-->''[Clarkson gets back to sheeping]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Sadly, that job would have to wait, because it was time for the girl sheep to make some babies, and the man with the boy sheep had arrived.
-->''[Kevin suggests to Clarkson to hire a shepherd]''\\
'''Kevin:''' You ever thought about getting a bloody shepherd or something that will do it for you? Better than you ringing me up all the time!
-->''[Clarkson in awe of Ellen's shepherding abilities]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Look at how she's doing that, just whistling.
-->''[Clarkson and Ellen separate the two rams]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Next we had to separate Wayne and Leo from their woolly harem.
-->''[Clarkson talking about Ellen's skillsets]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' There was absolutely no doubting about Ellen's shepherding skills; I just wish I could say the same... about her driving.
-->''[Clarkson takes pot shots at Ellen]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' We ought to get these rams out then before it goes dark.\\
'''Ellen:''' Yep. We'll put them in the trailer and then move them.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Shall I- shall I bring it around, because... I have just reversed that in a tight spot and didn't hit anything.\\
'''Ellen:''' Well done.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Unlike some people.\\
''[Ellen bursts into laughter]''
-->''[Clarkson admits to Charlie that buying sheep was probably a bad idea]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' That was a bad business choice.\\
''[Charlie nods]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Thanks for dropping by.\\
'''Charlie:''' You're very welcome.\\
'''Clarkson:''' With your gloominess.\\
'''Charlie:''' [[RealityEnsues Reality.]]
'''Clarkson:''' Now what they want me to do is walk around the field with this. Three times.\\
''[Clarkson uses his Range Rover to fix up the fence]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' God, I am clever.
-->''[Clarkson tests out his electric fence and gets shocked in the process]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Argh! You bastard!
-->''[Clarkson and his barking drone]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' In just 25 minutes, I've completely mastered sheeping.\\
''[sheep begin rampaging into the village]''\\
'''Lisa:''' Jeremy, you're going too fast! I can't stop them going into the village!\\
'''Clarkson:''' Oh no, shit! For heavens... please stop!
-->''[Clarkson is exhausted]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Phew. I'm going to have a coronary...\\
'''Lisa:''' How fast do they move?! I mean, this thing is good!\\
'''Clarkson:''' I mean, as you know, [[BlatantLies I am an incredible athlete and can run at phenomenal speeds]], but I can't keep up with the sheep!
-->''[Clarkson's barking drone no longer works]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' A few days later, having eaten everything in their new field, the sheeps needed to be moved again.\\
''[barking drone flies into action]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' And this time, I discovered that sheep are not only the most sickly animals in the world, they're also... the most disobedient.
-->''[Clarkson gives up]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Fuck it. Go live in that field. Get run over. See if I care!\\
''[cuts to close-up camera]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' I fucking hate sheep. I fucking hate them! I cannot wait to eat them. I cannot wait!
-->''[Clarkson introduces Gerald]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Along with the gum-chewing insolence, the sheep were also extremely destructive.\\
'''Clarkson:''' This is stupid!\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' Still, this relentless vandalism does provide work for a wonderful local chap called Gerald.\\
''[Clarkson waves to Gerald from his car]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Hi, Gerald.\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' I love chatting with him, [[BunnyEarsLawyer even though most of the time]], [[TheUnintelligible I'm never entirely sure what we're chatting about.]]
-->''[Clarkson investigates the problem with water sources]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Feeling like [[Film/ManonDesSources Jean de Florette]], I set about investigating the problem.
-->''[Clarkson tries water divining]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' To humor him, I said I'd wander about with his coat hangers, but, when I passed a trough full of rain water...\\
'''Clarkson:''' Look at that. That is bizarre! Look at- look at that! Ha ha! That's astonishing!
-->''[Clarkson deduces there is a tank nearby]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Having used witchcraft to establish the pipes still exist, I reckoned that somewhere, there must be a tank that fed them all, and that logically, it would be located on high ground.
-->''[Clarkson gets back to sheeping]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Sadly, that job would have to wait, because it was time for the girl sheep to make some babies, and the man with the boy sheep had arrived.
-->''[Kevin suggests to Clarkson to hire a shepherd]''\\
'''Kevin:''' You ever thought about getting a bloody shepherd or something that will do it for you? Better than you ringing me up all the time!
-->''[Clarkson in awe of Ellen's shepherding abilities]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Look at how she's doing that, just whistling.
-->''[Clarkson and Ellen separate the two rams]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Next we had to separate Wayne and Leo from their woolly harem.
-->''[Clarkson talking about Ellen's skillsets]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' There was absolutely no doubting about Ellen's shepherding skills; I just wish I could say the same... about her driving.
-->''[Clarkson takes pot shots at Ellen]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' We ought to get these rams out then before it goes dark.\\
'''Ellen:''' Yep. We'll put them in the trailer and then move them.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Shall I- shall I bring it around, because... I have just reversed that in a tight spot and didn't hit anything.\\
'''Ellen:''' Well done.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Unlike some people.\\
''[Ellen bursts into laughter]''
-->''[Clarkson admits to Charlie that buying sheep was probably a bad idea]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' That was a bad business choice.\\
''[Charlie nods]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Thanks for dropping by.\\
'''Charlie:''' You're very welcome.\\
'''Clarkson:''' With your gloominess.\\
'''Charlie:''' [[RealityEnsues Reality.]]
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Changed line(s) 57,58 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse, that DEFRA,[[note]]Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs[[/note]] which is the Department of... something, Food and Rural Affairs gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it; all I have to do in return is mow it once a year, and that gave me an idea. Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil and I can sell their babies for a profit! [[TemptingFate It's a genius business plan. I'm basically [[Series/TheApprentice Alan Sugar]] in wellies!
to:
'''Clarkson:''' This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse, that DEFRA,[[note]]Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs[[/note]] which is the Department of... something, Food and Rural Affairs gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it; all I have to do in return is mow it once a year, and that gave me an idea. Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil and I can sell their babies for a profit! [[TemptingFate It's a genius business plan. plan!]] I'm basically [[Series/TheApprentice Alan Sugar]] in wellies!
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Changed line(s) 57,58 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse, that DEFRA,[[note]]Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs[[/note]] which is the Department of... something, Food and Rural Affairs gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it; all I have to do in return is mow it once a year, and that gave me an idea. Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil and I can sell their babies for a profit! [[TemptingFate It's a genius business plan.]] I'm basically Alan Sugar in wellies!
to:
'''Clarkson:''' This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse, that DEFRA,[[note]]Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs[[/note]] which is the Department of... something, Food and Rural Affairs gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it; all I have to do in return is mow it once a year, and that gave me an idea. Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil and I can sell their babies for a profit! [[TemptingFate It's a genius business plan.]] I'm basically [[Series/TheApprentice Alan Sugar Sugar]] in wellies!
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Changed line(s) 57,58 (click to see context) from:
'''Clarkson:''' This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse, that DEFRA, which is the Department of... something, Food and Rural Affairs gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it; all I have to do in return is mow it once a year, and that gave me an idea. Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil and I can sell their babies for a profit! [[TemptingFate It's a genius business plan.]] I'm basically Alan Sugar in wellies!
to:
'''Clarkson:''' This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse, that DEFRA, DEFRA,[[note]]Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs[[/note]] which is the Department of... something, Food and Rural Affairs gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it; all I have to do in return is mow it once a year, and that gave me an idea. Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil and I can sell their babies for a profit! [[TemptingFate It's a genius business plan.]] I'm basically Alan Sugar in wellies!
Is there an issue? Send a MessageReason:
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-->''[introduction voiceover]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' All that is to come, but right now, it's time to start my first job: the biggest, most important job of them all - planting wheat and barley in all the big fields like this one. And how do you do that? No idea. Literally, honestly, I have absolutely no clue! All I do know is... it's going to involve some tractoring.
-->''[Clarkson selecting a tractor]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' As I am familiar with stuff that has four wheels and an engine, I should have been at home here. But I wasn't. So, I sought advice from the dealership's owner: Patrick Edwards.
-->''[Patrick touting his capabilities]''\\
'''Patrick:''' There's nothing to go wrong that we can't mend.
-->''[Clarkson buys a tractor]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Having finished my test drive, I made a decision... and bought this.\\
''[cuts to shot with tractor]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This... is a Lamborghini R8!
-->''[Clarkson heads to a farm auction]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Charlie had provided me a list of what to buy, but it might as well have been in Arabic.
-->''[Clarkson finishes purchasing his equipment]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Having spent £82,000 on equipment, and £2 on office furniture, my next job, according to Charlie, was to go through the timetable for getting the crops in the ground.
-->''[Charlie recites an old saying]''\\
'''Charlie:''' "Well sown is half grown."
-->''[Clarkson sees the amount of seed and fertilizer he has to unload]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe You're kidding!]]
-->''[Clarkson openly defies Georgia's instructions]''\\
'''Georgia:''' Turn the engine off and we'll do it from out here.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm going to operate from in here. I don't care what she says.\\
''[Clarkson hitches his trailer in an unconventional way]''\\
'''Georgia:''' No! [[PrecisionFStrike Oh shit!]]\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ha ha! Yes! I did it! I just couldn't be bothered to come down the ladder again!
-->''[Clarkson attempts to tell Kaleb about what type of crop drill he has]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...a red one.
-->''[Clarkson narrates Kaleb teaching him how to use a crop drill]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' First though, I had to get to grips with the fearsomely complicated seed drill, which turned out to be neither red nor orange.
-->''[Kaleb discovers Clarkson's plans to innovate]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' What have you been doing?!
-->''[Clarkson discovers that his field of rapeseed has failed]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The whole bloody lot?!
'''Clarkson:''' All that is to come, but right now, it's time to start my first job: the biggest, most important job of them all - planting wheat and barley in all the big fields like this one. And how do you do that? No idea. Literally, honestly, I have absolutely no clue! All I do know is... it's going to involve some tractoring.
-->''[Clarkson selecting a tractor]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' As I am familiar with stuff that has four wheels and an engine, I should have been at home here. But I wasn't. So, I sought advice from the dealership's owner: Patrick Edwards.
-->''[Patrick touting his capabilities]''\\
'''Patrick:''' There's nothing to go wrong that we can't mend.
-->''[Clarkson buys a tractor]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Having finished my test drive, I made a decision... and bought this.\\
''[cuts to shot with tractor]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This... is a Lamborghini R8!
-->''[Clarkson heads to a farm auction]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Charlie had provided me a list of what to buy, but it might as well have been in Arabic.
-->''[Clarkson finishes purchasing his equipment]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Having spent £82,000 on equipment, and £2 on office furniture, my next job, according to Charlie, was to go through the timetable for getting the crops in the ground.
-->''[Charlie recites an old saying]''\\
'''Charlie:''' "Well sown is half grown."
-->''[Clarkson sees the amount of seed and fertilizer he has to unload]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe You're kidding!]]
-->''[Clarkson openly defies Georgia's instructions]''\\
'''Georgia:''' Turn the engine off and we'll do it from out here.\\
'''Clarkson:''' I'm going to operate from in here. I don't care what she says.\\
''[Clarkson hitches his trailer in an unconventional way]''\\
'''Georgia:''' No! [[PrecisionFStrike Oh shit!]]\\
'''Clarkson:''' Ha ha! Yes! I did it! I just couldn't be bothered to come down the ladder again!
-->''[Clarkson attempts to tell Kaleb about what type of crop drill he has]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' ...a red one.
-->''[Clarkson narrates Kaleb teaching him how to use a crop drill]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' First though, I had to get to grips with the fearsomely complicated seed drill, which turned out to be neither red nor orange.
-->''[Kaleb discovers Clarkson's plans to innovate]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' What have you been doing?!
-->''[Clarkson discovers that his field of rapeseed has failed]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' The whole bloody lot?!
Changed line(s) 11 (click to see context) from:
to:
-->''[Clarkson talks the viewers through his rationale for buying sheep]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse, that DEFRA, which is the Department of... something, Food and Rural Affairs gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it; all I have to do in return is mow it once a year, and that gave me an idea. Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil and I can sell their babies for a profit! [[TemptingFate It's a genius business plan.]] I'm basically Alan Sugar in wellies!
-->''[Clarkson's initial conversation with Kevin]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' To guide me through this woolly labyrinth, I spoke to Kevin from the National Sheep Association, which hilariously, is known as the UsefulNotes/{{NSA}}.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is there like a Friesian Bull Institute? Like [[UsefulNotes/AmericanLawEnforcement FBI]] and UsefulNotes/{{CIA}} and NSA?\\
'''Kevin:''' I can't say too much about that.
-->''[Clarkson talks about his wall height]''\\
'''Kevin:''' Well it's hardly [[TheGreatWall Mexico]], is it?
-->''[Clarkson's observations about the North Country Mules]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Kevin had assured me that North Country Mules are very calm sheep. But when they came into the auction ring, there was some evidence to suggest... they're not.
-->''[Clarkson's auction experiences]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' By nodding occasionally, I seemed to be buying stuff. And I was! At the end of the sale, I had spent a whopping £11,000. But on the upside, I was now a sheep farmer.
'''Clarkson:''' This part of the farm is so ecological and diverse, that DEFRA, which is the Department of... something, Food and Rural Affairs gives me actual cash money to not grow crops on it; all I have to do in return is mow it once a year, and that gave me an idea. Instead of using a machine to mow it, why not use sheep? Sheep keep everything nice and tidy, and they fertilize the soil and I can sell their babies for a profit! [[TemptingFate It's a genius business plan.]] I'm basically Alan Sugar in wellies!
-->''[Clarkson's initial conversation with Kevin]''\\
'''Voiceover Clarkson:''' To guide me through this woolly labyrinth, I spoke to Kevin from the National Sheep Association, which hilariously, is known as the UsefulNotes/{{NSA}}.\\
'''Clarkson:''' Is there like a Friesian Bull Institute? Like [[UsefulNotes/AmericanLawEnforcement FBI]] and UsefulNotes/{{CIA}} and NSA?\\
'''Kevin:''' I can't say too much about that.
-->''[Clarkson talks about his wall height]''\\
'''Kevin:''' Well it's hardly [[TheGreatWall Mexico]], is it?
-->''[Clarkson's observations about the North Country Mules]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' Kevin had assured me that North Country Mules are very calm sheep. But when they came into the auction ring, there was some evidence to suggest... they're not.
-->''[Clarkson's auction experiences]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' By nodding occasionally, I seemed to be buying stuff. And I was! At the end of the sale, I had spent a whopping £11,000. But on the upside, I was now a sheep farmer.
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Added DiffLines:
''Series/ClarksonsFarm'' is a British TVDocumentary about automotive journalist Jeremy Clarkson's escapades at farming. This page concerns notable quotes made by the cast of the show.
[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder:Season 1]]
!!Tractoring
-->''[first voiceover intro]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' For many years, [[Series/TopGearUK this has been]] [[Series/TheGrandTour my day job]]. But, when the important work was over, I came home... to this. It's my farm in the Cotswolds. Nestling amongst the ancient stone villages, it's a peaceful, 1,000 acre haven of wide open fields, brooks, waterfalls, woods and wild flower meadows. It stretches from those trees over there on the far horizon, then it goes behind that big wood, down into the valley and then up past here to a point a couple of miles over there. And ever since I bought it back in 2008, it's been run by a chap from the village. However, he told me a couple of months ago that he's retiring, so, I've come up with a plan: I shall farm it myself.
!!Sheeping
!!Shopping
!!Wilding
!!Pan (dem) icking
!!Melting
!!Fluffing
!!Harvesting
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Season 2]]
!!Surviving
!!Cowering
!!Schmoozing
!!Badgering
!!Council-ing
!!Counselling
!!Scheming
!!Climaxing
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Other media]]
!![=YouTube=]-exclusive videos
[[/folder]]
[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder:Season 1]]
!!Tractoring
-->''[first voiceover intro]''\\
'''Clarkson:''' For many years, [[Series/TopGearUK this has been]] [[Series/TheGrandTour my day job]]. But, when the important work was over, I came home... to this. It's my farm in the Cotswolds. Nestling amongst the ancient stone villages, it's a peaceful, 1,000 acre haven of wide open fields, brooks, waterfalls, woods and wild flower meadows. It stretches from those trees over there on the far horizon, then it goes behind that big wood, down into the valley and then up past here to a point a couple of miles over there. And ever since I bought it back in 2008, it's been run by a chap from the village. However, he told me a couple of months ago that he's retiring, so, I've come up with a plan: I shall farm it myself.
!!Sheeping
!!Shopping
!!Wilding
!!Pan (dem) icking
!!Melting
!!Fluffing
!!Harvesting
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Season 2]]
!!Surviving
!!Cowering
!!Schmoozing
!!Badgering
!!Council-ing
!!Counselling
!!Scheming
!!Climaxing
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Other media]]
!![=YouTube=]-exclusive videos
[[/folder]]
