History Literature / SqueezeMe

* NoCelebritiesWereHarmed: The novel is centered around a "soulless imbecile" President of the United States and his ex-supermodel wife.
* NoHeroToHisValet: Paul Ryscamp, the Special Agent in charge of the Secret Service's Palm Beach office, doesn't bother to flatter the First Lady or pamper her self-importance during their conversation:

** Katherine "Kiki" Pew ''"of the aerosol Pews"'', married Huff Cornbright ''"of the anti-freeze and real estate Cornbrights"'' and later Mott [=FitzSimmons=] ''"of the asbestos and textile [=FitzSimmonses=];

* OldMoney: Katherine [=FitzSimmons=], and every one of the Potussies, inherited their wealth, which is ''"beyond the need for calculation."''

* DumbMuscle: Uric Burns and Prince Paladin.

''From the jacket description'':
"At the height of Palm Beach’s charity ball season, Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons, a prominent member of geriatric high society, suddenly vanishes during a swank gala. Kiki Pew was a founding member of the Potussies, a group of women dedicated to supporting the President, who spends half the year at the "Winter White House" just down the road. Meanwhile, Angie Armstrong, wildlife wrangler extraordinaire, is called to the island to deal with a monster-sized Burmese python that has taken residency in a tree. But the President is focused on the disappearance of Kiki Pew. Never one to miss an opportunity to play to his base, he immediately declares her a victim of rampaging immigrant hordes. This, it turns out, is far from the truth, which now lies in the middle of the road, where a bizarre discovery brings the First Lady’s motorcade to a grinding halt."

-->''It was Kiki Pew's commiserative coddling that got him through the Obama years, though at times she feared her excitable spouse might physically succumb from the day-to-day stress of having a black man in the Oval Office... Kiki Pew was consoled by the fact that her husband lived long enough to relish the election of a new President, who was reliably white, old, and scornful of social reforms.''

** It's ambiguous whether Fay Alex Riptoad and the other "Potussies" honestly believe they are being targeted by "terrorist immigrants" or whether they are just [[AttentionWhore milking the spotlight for prestige points]]; it's even ambiguous whether they know themselves;

* BrokenPedestal: In the updated epilogue, the Potussies, Mastodon's most fervent admirers, can't actually stomach having him at Casa Bellicosa full time, since his low taste in cuisine has ruined the restaurant's fare, and when he appears on a balcony without bothering to belt his bathrobe, even they can't pretend he cuts any kind of magisterial figure.

* DodgyToupee: Mastodon wears a toupee carefully anchored by Velcro hooks to a skullcap. His personal tanning bed's "test dummy", The Knob, has to wear a wig made from Mastodon's actual hair as part of the testing procedure (the author doesn't say where exactly the hair was taken from).

** The President loves his Secret Service codename, "Mastodon", thinking it implies, "fearless, smart and tough!" - not knowing the name is a portmanteau of the Latin words "breast" and "tooth" - and to the First Lady it only implies, ''"f**king enormous."''

** "The Knob" - the "test dummy" for the President's personal tanning bed, who is required, for testing purposes, to avoid natural sunlight and gain (and occasionally lose) weight to mimic the President's physique;

* HawaiianShirtedTourist: USSS Special Agent Paul Ryscamp, attempting to appear as a ''"carefree island dude who doesn't get noticed"'' usually appears in board shorts, flip-flops and tropical print shirts. Angie points out that if he really wants to look like a Florida tourist, he needs to gain about 20 pounds, adding ''"That's a compliment, sir."''

** The Potussies "bas[k] in the prestige" of being assigned Secret Service bodyguards, but quickly fall into jealous feuds over which one of them has the agent who is most handsome, attentive, etc. Fay Alex Riptoad expects her agent "William something," to ''"obey orders as unquestioningly as all her employees"'', and sulks when he declines to ride next to her in the backseat of her limousine, especially when another member says her agent does that every time;

--->'''Fay Alex''': It's the Diego Border Cartel!

--->'''Fay Alex''': How the hell should I know? It's probably gang code!

--->'''Fay Alex''': For his political loyalties! Same reason they killed Kiki Pew [=FitzSimmons=]: for standing loudly and proudly with POTUS!

** in private conversation with Ryscamp, Ahmet/Keith defends his affair with the First Lady, insisting that in private "she's funny, really smart, warm...", that he is willing to give up his career for her, and he honestly believes she will divorce her husband after he leaves office. [[spoiler:When this doesn't happen, he dumps her in disgust and transfers out of Florida.]]

* {{Marriage of Convenience}}: It's the world's worst-kept secret that Mastodon and Mockingbird sleep in separate rooms and have not exchanged so much as a "handie" in years. In their few private conversations, she makes no attempt to hide that she finds him repulsive on all levels, and he has given up asking her for any ''"favors"'' beyond the occasional public appearance with his campaign contributors or business associates.

-->''She asked the agent to wait outside; his Arctic nod suggested he'd rather be waxing his nut sack than trailing Fay Alex around.''

-->'''Ryscamp''': [[ArmorPiercingResponse No, you're not.]]

* RacistGrandma: the POTUS Pussies social club; subverted in that there is nothing funny about their racism, as they fully embrace the President's "fake populist narrative" about illegal immigrants "stampeding across the border like rabid wolverines", and enthusiastically support his social media campaign to denounce Diego Beltran as not only the murderer of their recently deceased friend, but also the leader of a "border cartel" targeting all of the President's most loyal supporters.

* {{Screw the Rules I Have Connections}}: Averted. Fay Alex Riptoad and the other Potussies assume the President is ''"very fond"'' of them, and that Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons' death will immediately capture his attention. They remain unaware, or else can't admit, that the President counts on their financial support, but has never bothered to distinguish them, by name or on sight, from the hundreds of other ''"weekend warriors"'' who ''"applaud on cue every time he appears."''

* SubParSupremacist: One of the inmates who tries to kill Diego Beltran in jail is flattered to be approached by a representative from a white supremacist gang and offered a bounty, on which he offers an "Aryan discount". Having never actually killed anyone before, he makes the mistake of thinking his improvised shiv will compensate for his poor planning and lack of foresight (including that Diego was trained as a boxer in college).

* WeAreEverywhere: By an accident of circumstance, Diego Beltran, an innocent Honduran college student, is accused by the President of killing Kiki Pew [=FitzSimmons=], and linked in some nebulous way with "hordes" of illegal Hispanic immigrants ''"stampeding across the border like rabid wolverines."'' Before long, Diego has mutated in the public's eye into the leader of a ''"ruthless border cartel"'' dubbed "DBC-88" (or "77" or "69"); it is deliberately ambiguous which of these ideas originate with the President, the right-wing media, or the Potussies, but all of them are embraced by all three as established fact.

* WomenAreDelicate: Subverted; most of Angie's clients are surprised to learn she's a professional wildlife wrangler, being "female, five foot three, and barely a hundred pounds" but she quickly demonstrates that what's required for her job is not muscular strength but rather straightforward action and a lack of fear; Angie herself points out that, in her experience, the larger a man is, the more likely he is to be terrified of snakes.

* DownerEnding: Mastodon is still President, and although Diego is formally exonerated by a public statement, he is still required to be disguised and smuggled out when he is released from jail, and the President quickly switches his attention to a new scapegoat.

--->'''Fay Alex''': Surely they've got a ranking system! What, you're telling me that some retired shoe salesman who wanders away from a retirement home could knock someone like Kiki Pew off the top of the list?

** The President loves his Secret Service codename, "Mastodon", thinking it implies, "fearless, smart and tough" - not knowing the name is a portmanteau of the Latin words "breast" and "tooth"

* IronicEcho: Burmese pythons are repeatedly referenced as an invasive species; one of their actions is attributed to imaginary "hordes" of illegal immigrants "invading" the country.

* TheCult: the Potussies.

** The President loves his Secret Service codename, "Mastodon", thinking it implies, "fearless, smart and tough" - not knowing the name is a pastiche of the Latin words "breast" and "tooth"

* BeleagueredAssistant: Paul Ryscamp, the head of the U.S. Secret Service's regional office in West Palm Beach, is acutely conscious that his official job is to protect the President and his family from harm, while "keeping them safe from scandal [is] supposed to be somebody else's job", yet he is demoralized by having to perform other duties, including:
** assigning agents to the Potussies after the President claims they are being threatened by "terrorist immigrants"; **visiting the President's latest mistress in order to quash her upcoming tell-all book about their affair;

** Hiaasen does not mince words in his description of his fictional President: ''"a soulless imbecile who hate[s] the outdoors", with a ''"gerbil-like attention span"'' who ''"look[s]... as if someone had put a fire hose up his ass and inflated him with meringue."''

* OnlyinFlorida: Can you think of ''any'' other state where a novel could begin with an elderly widow being swallowed by an eighteen-foot python during a charity ball?

** The President's latest mistress, a stripper [[StageName named]] Suzie Spooner, defends her actions to Ryscamp by challenging him, ''you know how many women out there would trade places? For the chance to bone a President, any President?"'' Ryscamp responds with evidence that she's already in negotiations to sell her story to a New York publisher.

"At the height of Palm Beach’s charity ball season, Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons, a prominent member of geriatric high society, suddenly vanishes during a swank gala. Kiki Pew was a founding member of the Potussies, a group of women dedicated to supporting the President, who spends half the year at the “Winter White House” just down the road. Meanwhile, Angie Armstrong, wildlife wrangler extraordinaire, is called to the island to deal with a monster-sized Burmese python that has taken residency in a tree. But the President is focused on the disappearance of Kiki Pew. Never one to miss an opportunity to play to his base, he immediately declares her a victim of rampaging immigrant hordes. This, it turns out, is far from the truth, which now lies in the middle of the road, where a bizarre discovery brings the First Lady’s motorcade to a grinding halt."

* AmusingInjuries: Mastodon, who maintains an expensive tanning bed at both the White House and his Florida mansion, suffers third degree burns to his face, and his hair nearly catches fire, when the bed malfunctions;

** Played with in the character of Katherine "Kiki" Pew Fitzsimmons; the readers never actually "meet" Kiki Pew before her death, but the author's description of her husband, plus the fact of her membership in the "POTUS Pussies", and the conduct of the surviving members, clearly imply that she wasn't very likable: ''It was Kiki Pew's commiserative coddling that got him through the Obama years, though at times she feared her excitable spouse might physically succumb from the day-to-day stress of having a black man in the Oval Office... Kiki Pew was consoled by the fact that her husband lived long enough to relish the election of a new President, who was reliably white, old, and scornful of social reforms.''

* BeleagueredAssistant: Paul Ryscamp, the head of the U.S. Secret Service's regional office in West Palm Beach, is acutely conscious that his official job is to protect the President and his family from harm, while "keeping them safe from scandal [is] supposed to be somebody else's job", yet he is demoralized by having to perform other duties, including: (1) assigning agents to a group of rich widows who the President claims are being threatened by "terrorist immigrants"; (2) visiting the President's latest mistress in order to quash her upcoming tell-all book about their affair; (3) bribing a wealthy contributor with a counterfeit illegal erectile dysfunction antidote in order to convince him not to bring a known spy as his date to the President's residence; and (4) ensuring that the First Lady's torrid affair with one of his own agents remains secret.

* BerserkButton: As a wildlife officer, Angie witnessed a poacher run over a fawn with his airboat, then circle back to finish it off and butcher it for dinner. She arrested him, but also offered his knife hand to an alligator as a snack. She later admits that ''"it was a poor decision"'', though she regrets the loss of her job and her brief stint in prison more than the injury to the poacher.

* BleedEmandWeep: Angie cries after decapitating the second python.
* Bookends:

* DriventoSuicide: [[Spoiler: Averted, [[Happilyfailedsuicide barely]].]]

* "The Knob" - the "test dummy" for the President's personal tanning bed, who is required, for testing purposes, to avoid natural sunlight and gain (and occasionally lose) weight to mimic the President's physique;

* GoldDigger: Mockingbird. The main novel suggests that she genuinely found Mastodon attractive when she first married him, but since then has stayed in the marriage for purely mercenary reasons. The updated epilogue is unambiguous: she tries to explain to her Secret Service boyfriend that she can't afford to divorce her husband, simply because she gets paid $10,000 just for touching his hand in public, and twice as much for actually holding it. Said boyfriend is unmoved, and dumps her.

* HawaiianShirtedTourist: USSS Special Agent Paul Ryscamp, attempting to appear as a ''"carefree island dude who doesn't get noticed" usually appears in board shorts, flip-flops and tropical print shirts. Angie points out that if he really wants to look like a Florida tourist, he needs to gain about 20 pounds, adding ''"That's a compliment, sir."''

* Skink points out that the Burmese pythons abundant in South Florida are gradually spreading northwards even to climes that were previously too cold for them to survive, ''"thanks to geniuses such as our Climate-Denier-in-Chief"''.

** Diego Beltran, an innocent Honduran immigrant, becomes the "poster villain" for the President's latest social media "crusade";

** When Fay Alex Riptoad impatiently demands an update on the investigation into Kiki FitzSimmons' death, she snaps, ''"I haven't got all day."'' Chief Crosby suppresses the urge to retort that Fay Alex ''"has all day, every day."''
** Mockingbird, watching her husband's press conference about Katherine FitzSimmons's death and his scapegoating of Diego Beltran, is only interested in the description of the exotic pearl earrings the dead woman was wearing, and immediately sets out to find a pair for herself.

--->'''Fay Alex''': For his political loyalties! Same reason they killed Kiki Pew FitzSimmons: for standing loudly and proudly with POTUS!

** A lesser example is the First Lady: she is fully aware of her husband's social media campaign to scapegoat Diego Beltran for the murder of Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons, but doesn't say a word in protest, or bother to confront him, until Angie threatens to reveal her affair with Ahmet/Keith.
* KnightinSourArmor: Palm Beach Police Chief Jerry Crosby is genuinely sickened by the President's scapegoating of Diego Beltran, but is helpless to do anything.

* LooselyBasedonaTrueStory: In one memorable passage, the POTUS Pussies reflect that they have stayed steadfastly loyal to Mastodon through all of the ''"phony"'' scandals, including the ''"fraudulent impeachment trials"''; at the time the novel was published, in August 2020, the current president of the United States had only been impeached once, and Hiaasen admitted on Goodreads that he did not expect it to happen again;
* LovingaShadow:

* Malaproper: Mastodon, to the Nth degree.

* MamaBear: Angie is used to shrugging off Pruitt's death threats as harmless, but when he extends his threats to her stepson and his girlfriend? [[BerserkButton ''Big'' mistake.]]
* MarriageofConvenience: It's the world's worst-kept secret that Mastodon and Mockingbird sleep in separate rooms and have not exchanged so much as a "handie" in years. In their few private conversations, she makes no attempt to hide that she finds him repulsive on all levels, and he has given up asking her for any ''"favors"'' beyond the occasional public appearance with his campaign contributors or business associates.

** Ahmet Youssef, the First Lady's lead Secret Service Agent, had his name changed to "Keith Josephson" just before being assigned, to avoid her husband's ''festering distrust of Muslims''; after transferring off her detail, he discards the alias and reverts to his birth name;
* MistakenforRacist: When rhapsodizing about his recently-deceased "close personal friend", Katherine "Kiki" Pew Fitzsimmons, Mastodon repeatedly pronounces her nickname, "Kikey". Ryscamp has to cover his ears.
* NatureIsNotNice: Despite the proliferation of Burmese pythons in South Florida, Angie, a professional wildlife wrangler, is surprised to find one as far north as Palm Beach, which is normally too cold for them to survive. Although the proliferation of such pythons in South Florida has been widely publicized, none of Palm Beach's residents are prepared when they actually see one.
* NicetotheWaiter:
** Fay Alex Riptoad fails to charm the Secret Service Agent assigned to protect her: ''"She asked the agent to wait outside; his Arctic nod suggested he'd rather be waxing his nut sack than trailing Fay Alex around."''

-->'''Mockingbird''': ''[M]y husband doesn't trust anyone with an Islamic name, or Jews, or blacks, or Asians, or Hispanics, or Mormons, or whatever. God, it's exhausting to keep track. With my accent, I'm amazed he married me.''//
'''Ryscamp''': [[ArmorPiercingResponse No, you're not.]]
* NotSoHarmlessVillain: The President of the United States does not bother to take any official action to indict or convict Diego Beltran for Katherine Fitzsimmons' murder, settling instead for scapegoating him in front of the media and on social media; nor does he take any official action against the "terrorist immigrants" that Diego supposedly represents; yet what little he does is more than enough to cause lynch mobs to assemble outside the jail, several racist inmates inside the prison to attempt to kill Diego, to force his defense lawyers to withdraw after receiving multiple death threats, and [[spoiler:finally for Diego himself to attempt suicide]].

-->''"You think he could be right about this Diego kid being involved in the old lady's death?"''

* OldMoney: Katherine FitzSimmons, and every one of the Potussies, inherited their wealth, which is ''"beyond the need for calculation."''

** In the updated epilogue, the ex-President propositions Angie in private, but has ''"no backup lines prepared"'' when she politely responds, ''"No offense, but I'd rather put my head in a wood chipper"''.

* RealLifeWritesthePlot: ''Squeeze Me'' was released in August 2020, taking place in a hypothetical aftermath of the COVID-19 pandemic, when Mastodon was still the President of the United States. Hiaasen wrote an updated epilogue for the novel's paperback release in May 2021, taking account of the "bizarre real-life incidents" following the November 2020 election. Among other changes, Mastodon is no longer President, and his [[RacistGrandma socialite fan club]] have been blacklisted from the Palm Beach charity event circuit after the Capitol riots. Also, Mastodon's wife is much less sympathetically portrayed in the updated epilogue than she was in the main novel ([[spoiler:her Secret Service lover dumps her after she admits she has no plans to divorce her husband, simply because she is getting paid too well for appearing with him in public]]).

* RichinDollarsPoorinSense: Stanleigh Kobo, the brother of one of the Potussies, is so desperate for a ''"presentable erection"'' that he agrees to bring a known Chinese intelligence agent as his date to the President's ball, in exchange for ''"five grams of powdered narwhal tusk"''. Ryscamp manages to persuade him to dump his date by offering him a baggie of the same substance - which is actually ''"an improvised blend of baking soda and cupcake mix, cut with jock-itch talc". Naturally, Kobo doesn't bother to test the powder before eagerly inhaling it.

* SafetyinIndifference: Averted when Jim Tile pleads with his old friend, Skink:

* StatingtheSimpleSolution: Angie is called to remove a python from a tree on the grounds of a charity gala, quietly and discreetly. She points out that this is impossible unless the snake is euthanized first (removing it while it is still alive, she explains, will take ''six of your strongest security guys"'' all of whom will need changes of clothes since ''"a python that size shits like a fire hose."'')

** Hiaasen never misses an opportunity to jab at Disney. In this novel, a Russian stripper has Jiminy Cricket tattooed on each buttock, declaring herself a huge fan of all the animated movies;
** Hiaasen does not mince words in his description of his [[Trumplica fictional President]]: ''"a soulless imbecile who hate[s] the outdoors", with a ''"gerbil-like attention span"'' who ''"look[s]... as if someone had put a fire hose up his ass and inflated him with meringue."''

--->''...However, the proliferation of Burmese pythons throughout South Florida-and their indiscriminate feeding habits-are accurately represented.''

* {{Trumplica}}
* TwistEnding: [[spoiler:Angie (and the reader) are naturally [[RedHerring led to believe]] that Skink was responsible for releasing the python that killed Katherine FitzSimmons and set the novel's events in motion. She is stunned when he says that the python was not one of his, instead the incident inspired Skink's idea to breed and release additional pythons.]]

* WeAreEverywhere: By an accident of circumstance, Diego Beltran, an innocent Honduran college student, is accused by the President of killing Kiki Pew Fitzsimmons, and linked in some nebulous way with "hordes" of illegal Hispanic immigrants ''"stampeding across the border like rabid wolverines."'' Before long, Diego has mutated in the public's eye into the leader of a ''"ruthless border cartel"'' dubbed "DBC-88" (or "77" or "69"); it is deliberately ambiguous which of these ideas originate with the President, the right-wing media, or the Potussies, but all of them are embraced by all three as established fact.

* WhyDidItHaveToBeSnakes: Averted, since Angie is not afraid of snakes and finds them beautiful. Chief
* WomenAreDelicate: Subverted; most of Angie's clients are surprised to learn she's a professional wildlife wrangler, being "five foot three, female, and barely a hundred pounds" but she quickly demonstrates that what's required for her job is not muscular strength but rather straightforward action and a lack of fear; Angie herself points out that, in her experience, the larger a man is, the more likely he is to be terrified of snakes.

* YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness: Uric Burns strangles his partner, "Prince Paladin" to death, once he worries that they will get caught, and the Prince confesses that he "grassed" on his previous partners;
* DownerEnding: Mastodon is still President, and although Diego is formally exonerated by a public statement, he is still required to be disguised and smuggled out when he is released from jail, and the President quickly switches his attention to a new scapegoat.
* SpoiledBrat:
** Kiki Pew FitzSimmons' two sons, Chase and Chance Cornbright; after their mother's death, they immediately buy a yacht and a pair of supercharged Jetskis; their maiden ride on them leaves them with multiple broken bones;
** Mastodon has a shipment of Key Lime Pies brought to Casa Bellicosa from a bakery in Marathon, Florida every day (when he's in Washington, D.C. a U.S. Navy plane ferries them there from Key West); when a giant Burmese python is slipped into his latest shipment, the kitchen staff are so terrified of his reaction that one of them decides to sneak past the python to grab the one intact pie.
* OnlySaneMan: Angie, Ryscamp, and Crosby.

* AnonymousRinger: "Mastodon" and "Mockingbird", the fictional President and First Lady of the United States, share many characteristics (several of them unflattering) with UsefulNotes/DonaldTrump and UsefulNotes/Melania Trump but are not explicitly identified and their Secret Service codenames are different.