History JustForFun / HowToInvadeAnAlienPlanet

# If you want to wipe the natives out [[Literature/HowToSurviveAHorrorMovie just to be a dick]] and you have faster than light travel or good automation, consider simply launching something at high enough speed at their planet. A [[InterstellarWeapon Relativistic Kill Vehicle]], [[ColonyDrop nudging a large enough meteor at ramming speed towards the planet]] or [[GreyGoo self-replicating probe]] could wipe out life on their planet without you even having to get out of your chair.

# If you want to wipe the natives out [[Literature/HowToSurviveAHorrorMovie just to be a dick]] and you have faster than light travel or good automation, consider simply launching something at high enough speed at their planet. A [[InterstellarWeapon Relativistic Kill Vehicle]] or [[GreyGoo self-replicating probe]] could wipe out life on their planet without you even having to get out of your chair.

# Once you have a clear idea of the life forms you intend to subsume and of their culture, now is the time to do some ''very'' intense politicking. No truly sapient race, [[AliensAreBastards no matter how inherently violent,]] is composed entirely of ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. [[KlingonScientistsGetNoRespect Someone has to do the bookkeeping and keep the libraries running.]] Even your [[WesternAnimation/StevenUniverse best and highest ranking soldiers]] might have qualms about exterminating all life on the target planet, and some, should the invasion take place, [[Film/{{Avatar}} might even go native]]. Before you begin your expedition therefore, it is absolutely vital that you get your entire population on side. [[PropagandaMachine Propaganda]] is the best method of achieving this, particularly portraying your targets as ravaging, bloodthirsty monsters. If they are [[HumansAreTheRealMonsters anything like ourselves]], that shouldn't be too hard.
# If your plan is to {{terraform}} the world into a climate or environment more suitable for your own kind, once ''again,'' step one is to see if some uninhabited rock will do. If you're ''sure'' it won't, then exterminate the aboriginals before commencing operations - you'll be destroying their civilization regardless, and aboriginals are often shockingly adaptable and determined to survive terraformation.

# If you are biologically compatible to any degree with the aboriginals, even if it's just being able to consume one another's flesh for nutrients, then make sure not to ignore the issue of germ warfare. Send robotic or [[WeHaveReserves expendable scouts]] in first to collect samples (see the abduction recommendations in the Meeting the Locals section for details), and run a thorough vaccination program on anyone who will come into contact with the natives.

# If your civilization is trying to recover a piece of LostTechnology last seen in this sector of space, always, ''always'', '''''always''''' assume that the natives have found it, reverse-engineered it, or know how to use it, and plan accordingly. If you believe that your invasion will be utterly destroyed if the natives use this technology, just don't bother.

# Before you start planning for the invasion, study the history and lore of your target planet. You shouldn't even need to make contact for this, as any planet technologically advanced enough to be a threat to you is going to be broadcasting information like crazy. If they've got a history of thwarting invasions and bringing unstoppable galactic juggernauts of destruction to heel, you'd better be damned sure you know a few tricks the other saps didn't. If not, and [[HumansAreDiplomats you have sufficiently skilled diplomats]], consider just asking for whatever it is you want. Maybe you can even offer the natives a big enough bribe and [[HumansAreWarriors point them at your enemies]].

# Similarly, keep a constant watch for: [[Series/DoctorWho a small, innocent-looking blue box]], [[Franchise/StargateVerse covert military units with "SG" in the name]], [[Franchise/StarTrek saucer-shaped cruisers]], [[Franchise/SuperSentai giant]] [[Franchise/PowerRangers robots]] in general, especially if [[Anime/TengenToppaGurrenLagann they sport]] CoolShades, [[Film/MenInBlack well-dressed men in sunglasses]], [[Franchise/UltraSeries fin-headed humanoid giants]],[[VideoGame/SwordOfTheStars starships with ring-shaped FTL systems]], [[SuperHero vigilantes in colorful costumes who casually defy the laws of physics]], and anyone in powered armor, whether [[Franchise/{{Halo}} plain camoflauge green]] or [[Franchise/{{Metroid}} gold-orange with huge spherical shoulders]], whether they're trained military or [[VideoGame/HalfLife bespectacled physicists]] with [[WeaponOfChoice crowbars]]. Spot any of these, and you're better off staying home.

# If your goal is to [[PuppeteerParasite take over the natives' bodies]] [[Literature/{{Animorphs}} to use as your own]], be it as part of your species life cycle or just ForTheEvulz, then your ''entire'' invading force is [[TheMole Moles]]. You shouldn't even have to test your soldiers on how good they can pull a {{Masquerade}} for if your species evolved from parasites, it's extremely likely that they learned how to take over another creature's body around the time our species [[AlphabetSong starts learning their ABCs]], if not sooner. You are in the perfect position to conquer without anyone even knowing you're there until it's too late; overt acts of conquest, however, ''[[Literature/{{Animorphs}} Esplin 9466-alpha]]'', will just alert the natives to your presence and get them to mount a defense/resistance. On the other hand, you're in an ideal situation to use a [[HumansAreWarriors sufficiently xenophobic and violent]] host species to do the dirty work of eliminating your interstellar enemies for you.

** Corollary: [[VideoGame/{Warframe} If you are sending your robots capable of adjusting themselves to these new planets]] to do the terraforming for you, make absolutely certain they won’t just [[TurnedAgainstTheirMasters decide that these worlds would be better off without you inhabiting them]].

# While brutal dictatorship is the most obvious and well-tested method of governing an occupied planet, have you considered [[Literature/BraveNewWorld unlimited freedom to indulge]] in [[WesternAnimation/WallE consumption]], booze, [[GovernmentDrugEnforcement drugs]], [[EternalSexualFreedom sex]], food, gewgaws, games, [[SillyLoveSongs idiotic music]], and [[BreadAndCircuses other forms of entertainment]]? ([[JustForFun/TVTropesWillRuinYourLife Internet access is particularly good for this purpose]].) Even if it doesn't turn out to be cheaper than your SecretPolice, it will pay off by ''utterly pacifying'' the populace, who will be so busy buying, eating, drinking, playing, and [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] that the few people who might have the will to stand up against your regime will be a couple of scattered, self-righteous, egghead intellectuals. If you play your cards right, [[Literature/BraveNewWorld even they will be at a loss at how to overthrow you, consoling themselves with simply being unhappy as a small act of rebellion]].

# If the heavier elements of your invasion fleet [[VideoGame/XCom have to arrive later due to logistical problems]], '''Wait'''. Do not waste precious troops sending down your scout forces to be annihilated and give the locals opportunities to study your race.

# If your objective is to conquer the planet and KillAllHumans, just ''do it''. Don't beat around the bush -- if you've traveled across light-years to get here, you've gotta have some pretty decent weaponry. The longer you wait under the [[WeComeInPeaceShootToKill pretense of being friendly]], the longer the natives have to organize a resistance and find your weaknesses... or [[SummonBiggerFish call for help]].
** Corollary: If you are going to KillAllHumans, damn well finish the job. Those scattered bands of pitiful survivors may look pathetic and harmless ''now'', but give them a few generations to build up their numbers and you have a bunch of [[Literature/BattlefieldEarth determined]], bitter opponents who are very good at not dying.

** Third Corollary: If your foe has weaponry that can menace your ships and/or you've come ''too'' late and they've expanded across their star system, use if you can the comparatively low-cost approach of [[Literature/TheKillingStar accelerate a good bunch of robot-controlled asteroids and/or obsolete ships at relativistic speeds and smash them against their worlds]]. They'll have very little or no time of warning.

** Corollary: Make sure the enemy is not skilled in HollywoodHacking first. Nothing quite compares to your invasion force dramatically exploding moments from final victory.

# If you're sending scouts down to the planet, make sure none of them are the type to [[Film/{{Avatar}} sympathize with the natives]] and either [[DefectorFromDecadence defect]] or [[WesternAnimation/BattleForTerra sabotage your plans]]. I.E. if a spy candidate believes RousseauWasRight can be applied to them, insta-rejected. If RousseauWasWrong or HobbesWasRight instead, approved on the spot!
** Corollary: don't mistreat or kill your own workers. They will defect and they will tell the natives exactly how to crush you.
** Exception: if your civilization is congenitally racist and even the lowest peons regard themselves as better than all other species, you might have a bit of leeway. But be warned, sometimes they can go soft on you and start empathizing with the native animals and in turn, develop a BigotryException.

# If normally objective scientists suddenly claim an ostensibly supernatural phenomenon, such as [[Film/{{Avatar}} the natives' version of God]], is both real and scientifically verifiable, do not dismiss them out of hand, no matter how much easier ignoring it would be. Halt all operations that might be affected, have their results verified by independent scientists, and tested by another group of scientists, with full procedures observed as much as possible. If they are correct, modify operations accordingly or just cancel them altogether. Unless you're feeling confident that your death rays work on deities.

# If you wish to [[PlayingWithSyringes "learn"]] about the anatomy/biology of the locals before destroying them (and still wish to remain hidden), make sure you abduct specimens who either won't be missed or won't be reported missing, i.e. a homeless local or someone who lives in the middle of nowhere.
** Corollary: if this is not possible or deemed too risky for one reason or another, simply asking some of the locals who specialize in medical care to give you a crash course on human biology is also an option; with the right approach you may be even fortunate enough to have the locals willingly provide you with cadavers for which to carry out dissections or even live specimens to examine. Keep in mind that going this route means you have to ensure that you don't so much as HINT that this is for the purpose of discovering weaknesses within the species in order to better facilitate the invasion, humans can be surprisingly perceptive, instead make claims that this is for the sake of learning about the species in order to better strengthen your culture's bonds.

Are you an alien civilization with a go-getter attitude, looking for some ripe planet to [[AlienInvasion invade]] and [[PlanetLooters loot]]? Here are some tips to ensure you don't end up like all the others out there who've [[EasilyThwartedAlienInvasion tried and failed]]. All we request for giving you this information is, should you successfully invade a planet, that you give us some of the fruits of your labor and possibly positions of power in your glorious dominion. Preferably far away from the planet we helped you invade.

# Before you start planning for the invasion, study the history and lore of your target planet - you shouldn't even need to make contact for this as any planet technologically advanced enough to be a threat to you is going to be broadcasting information like crazy. If they've got a history of thwarting invasions and bringing unstoppable galactic juggernauts of destruction to heel, you'd better be damned sure you know a few tricks the other saps didn't. If not, and you have sufficiently skilled diplomats, consider just asking for whatever it is you want. Maybe you can even offer the natives a big enough bribe and [[HumansAreWarriors point them at your enemies]].
** Caveat 1: if the inhabitants of your target planet appear to possess [[RuleOfCool implausible levels of martial prowess]], be sure that the information you're observing [[AliensStealCable is non-fiction]].
** Caveat 2: if the inhabitants of your target planet are technologically advanced enough to pose a threat to you and also apex predators, expect anything and everything to be something they can figure out how use as a weapon against you.
** Caveat 3: don't feel like you're going to have an easy time just because you have a species of pacifists or at least very peaceful people on your hands. If they have a pretty warlike history, you can be sure that at least some of the old fire is still burning and they are probably only restrained by their luxuries. If you are unlucky, they all turn into Klingons as soon as you take their luxuries away from them and give you hell.

** Corollary: ''Never'' underestimate the enemy's ability to [[Franchise/StarWars improvise]].
** Second Corollary: Analyze their technology from every possible angle. Is there anything seemingly harmless that [[SuperweaponSurprise could be used as a powerful weapon]]? Be sure not to overlook [[WeaponizedExhaust easily-weaponized non-weapons technology]] when making a threat assessment! (See those [[Literature/KnownSpace big cats]] over there? Ask them about this one; will ''they'' have stories to tell). Keep in mind that [[ProudWarriorRaceGuy depending on]] [[HumansAreWarriors the species]], an effective LotusEaterMachine and an [[IKnowMortalKombat advanced military training simulator]] may turn out to be [[WarriorHeaven the same thing]].

# Learn your TechnologyLevels! Even in with all the {{Alternate Techline}}s out there, knowing in general what stage of development a planet is in will be essential for a successful invasion; especially when identifying technology that has been supplied by rival stellar civilizations. Natives of a planet that's on the verge of [[FasterThanLightTravel FTL travel]] and those who have just discovered flint knapping will each have [[NoSuchThingAsSpaceJesus very different reactions]] to your presence.

# ''Secure your damn computers.'' This gets brought up in other phases, but it cannot be emphasized enough. Don't leave your home planet until your MasterComputer is good and protected [[Film/IndependenceDay against any intrusion attempt (no matter how unlikely)]] and your mothership is staffed with competent IT personnel among your underlings to make sure it stays that way. And treat them with as much respect as you would your emperor, General, because they'll be what keeps you and your invasion fleet alive and intact to finish your conquest.

# If you are biologically compatible to any degree with the aboriginals, even if it's just being able to consume one another's flesh for nutrients, then make sure not to ignore the issue of germ warfare. Send robotic or [[WeHaveReserves expendable]] scouts in first to collect samples (see the abduction recommendations in the Meeting the Locals section for details), and run a thorough vaccination program on anyone who will come into contact with the natives.
** Corollary: try infecting the local population with a disease that your own people are either mostly immune to or only mildly inconvenienced by, preferably after inoculating your own troops against the indigenous pathogens to avoid a massive backfire. If you're lucky, their population will be devastated and their civilization in utter chaos, making conquering quite easy and leaving large swaths totally undefended and easy pickings for your colonization efforts.

# Similarly, keep a constant watch for: [[Series/DoctorWho a small, innocent-looking blue box]], [[Franchise/StargateVerse covert military units with "SG" in the name]], [[Franchise/StarTrek saucer-shaped cruisers]], [[Franchise/SuperSentai giant]] [[Franchise/PowerRangers robots]] in general, especially if [[Anime/TengenToppaGurrenLagann they sport]] CoolShades, [[Film/MenInBlack well-dressed men in sunglasses]], [[Franchise/UltraSeries fin-headed humanoid giants]],[[VideoGame/SwordOfTheStars starships with ring-shaped FTL systems]], [[SuperHero vigilantes in colorful costumes who casually defy the laws of physics]], and anyone in powered armor, whether [[Franchise/{{Halo}} plain camoflauge green]] or [[Franchise/{{Metroid}} gold-orange with huge spherical shoulders]], whether they're trained military or [[VideoGame/HalfLife bespectacled physicists]] with [[WeaponOfChoice crowbars]]. Spot any of these and you're better off staying home.

# If it's a life-bearing planet you're after, keep in mind that ours didn't evolve a sapient species until the most recent 0.004% of its existence. Given those odds, chances are pretty good that there's another life-bearing planet a similar distance away that you could easily colonise without conquering. In other words, if the most dangerous species on your target planet is still very much in the creature stage of intelligence, you've pretty much already won the war before it even began.

** Corollary: If any of the above melt down into black goo and [[Franchise/{{Metroid}} floating gelatinous masses]] during your sample collecting, kill the crew doing the collecting - [[CruelToBeKind before they board your ships]] - and [[EarthShatteringKaboom destroy the planet]]. '''[[TheAssimilator Trust]] [[KillAndReplace us]] [[VoluntaryShapeshifter on]] [[TheEndOfTheWorldAsWeKnowIt this.]]'''

** Exception: if your civilization is congenitally racist and even the lowest peons regard themselves as better than all other species, you might have a bit of leeway. But be warned, sometimes they can go soft on you and start empathizing with the native animals.

# If you're sending scouts down to the planet, make sure none of them are the type to [[Film/{{Avatar}} sympathize with the natives]] and either [[DefectorFromDecadence defect]] or [[WesternAnimation/BattleForTerra sabotage your plans]].

# Check out the enemy planet for signs of an [[JustForFun/IfIAmEverHeadOfAnAlienMonitoringAgency Alien Monitoring Agency]] '''BEFORE''' you invade. If they have a GenreSavvy [[JustForFun/IfIAmEverHeadOfAnAlienMonitoringAgency one]], don't bother. If however the agency is non-existent or is AHalfDozenGuysInABasement, you may be okay. If one of its agents is a certain [[Series/TheXFiles Fox Mulder]], your chances are about 50/50: although [[AgentMulder he knows exactly]] ''exactly'' what you're doing, there's a good chance [[CassandraTruth nobody will believe him anyway]].

** Collary: If your overarching goal is to breed with the natives to rebuild your numbers, ensure your follow-on orders don’t go against any [[PapaWolf Paternal]]/[[MamaBear Maternal]] feelings your soldiers may develop. [[Comicbook/{{Invincible}} No matter how bloodthirsty or superior you may consider yourselves, it’s going to suck when you soldiers start defying your orders en masse]] [[LoveRedeems because they’ve actual fallen in love with their selected mates.]]

** In the same vein, you cannot hope to invade a planet with five (or god forbid, ''one'') FlyingSaucers. No matter how many cities a single one can take or how much a single one of your troops outmatches the locals, you have no hope of occupying the planet.

# If your goal is to [[PuppeteerParasite take over the natives' bodies]] [[Literature/{{Animorphs}} to use as your own]], then your ''entire'' invading force is [[TheMole Moles]]. You are in the perfect position to conquer without anyone even knowing you're there until it's too late; overt acts of conquest, however, ''[[Literature/{{Animorphs}} Esplin 9466-alpha]]'', will just alert the natives to your presence and get them to mount a defense/resistance. On the other hand, you're in an ideal situation to use a [[HumansAreWarriors sufficiently xenophobic and violent]] host species to do the dirty work of eliminating your interstellar enemies for you.

# Even if your technology can cover the entire planet [[SciFiWritersHaveNoSenseOfScale (a dubious proposition in of itself)]], don't erect just one of anything that could be important to maintaining your control of the planet. Revolutionaries might be able to disable ''a'' [[EarthShatteringKaboom planetary bomb]] or MindControl device, but taking out three hundred and twenty-one of them worldwide requires much more effort and gives you fair warning if the apes can actually pull it off.

# If it's a life-bearing planet you're after, keep in mind that ours didn't evolve a sapient species until the most recent 0.004% of its existence. Given those odds, chances are pretty good that there's another life-bearing planet a similar distance away that you could easily colonise without conquering. In other words, if the most dangerous species on your target planet is still very much in the creature stage of intelligence, you've pretty

# If it's a life-bearing planet you're after, keep in mind that ours didn't evolve a sapient species until the most recent 0.004% of its existence. Given those odds, chances are pretty good that there's another life-bearing planet a similar distance away that you could easily colonise without conquering.

** Corollary: if this is not possible or deemed too risky for one reason or another. Simply asking some of the locals who specialize in medical care to give you a crash course on human biology is also an option; with the right approach you may be even fortunate enough to have the locals willingly provide you with cadavers for which to carry out dissections or even live specimens to examine. Keep in mind that going this route means you have to ensure that you don't so much as HINT that this is for the purpose of discovering weaknesses within the species in order to better facilitate the invasion, humans can be surprisingly perceptive, instead make claims that this is for the sake of learning about the species in order to better strengthen your culture's bonds.

# In case of complete rout and really serious worst case scenarios, make sure you have a [[StarWars Death Star]] on hand or have [[VideoGame/{{Spore}} bought a planet buster from a friendly empire]]. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses, accept that you can never conquer Earth, and [[EarthShatteringKaboom just blow it up]]. Of course, watch out for [[RagtagBunchOfMisfits small groups of plucky heroes]] in or out of spaceships - because those guys will always manage to blow up your Big Death Thing.

# If you want to wipe the natives out [[HowToSurviveAHorrorMovie just to be a dick]] and you have faster than light travel or good automation, consider simply launching something at high enough speed at their planet. A [[InterstellarWeapon Relativistic Kill Vehicle]] or [[GreyGoo self-replicating probe]] could wipe out life on their planet without you even having to get out of your chair.