History JustForFun / HeardAnyGoodJokesLately

* How do you know you're being prank-called by a [[CanadaEh Canadian]]?
** The first thing they say is, "I'm sorry, is this a bad time?"

* So the stud rooster at a poultry farm is getting old, so the farmer brings in a new one. Once he's arrived, the new rooster walks up to the old one and says' Listen here Gramps! This whole farm is mine now!" The old rooster says "C'mon buddy? At least let me stick around with the old hens? We'll stay in the back?" The new rooster is adamant "No way! All the hens are mine!". The old rooster sighs, and offers a proposition: that the two of them race around the farmhouse and if the old rooster wins he can stay on the farm, if he loses then he'll leave and let the new rooster take over. The only catch is that since the old rooster isn't in very good shape, he needs a head start. So the rooster's line up, the old one has his head start, and the new rooster takes off. As he comes round the front of the house, the old rooster is ''just'' in front of him. He is ''so'' close to beating him. He stretches out his neck and leaps forward, desperate to close the gap between them.

* Did you hear about the guy who was into BDSM, necrophilia, ''and'' bestiality? Yeah...he gave it up when he realized he was just beating a dead horse.

* '''Doctor:''' What you need is a psychiatrist. I'm a dentist; I can't help you.
* '''Man:''' Oh, I know. But your light was on.

* '''Doctor:''' How long has this been going on?
* '''Woman:''' Six months.
* '''Doctor:''' Six months! Why did you wait so long?
* '''Woman:''' [[Film/AnnieHall We needed the eggs]].

* It was autumn, and the [[BraidsBeadsAndBuckskins Indians]] on the [[InjunCountry reservation]] asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. [[NobleSavage Raised in the ways of the modern world]], the chief had never been taught the old secrets and has no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter. A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he contacted the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood. A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the weather service. "Does it still look like a cold winter?" asked the chief. "It sure does," replied the meteorologist. "It looks like a very cold winter." The chief advised the tribe to gather every scrap of wood they could find. [[RuleOfThree A couple of weeks later]], the chief called the Weather Service again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The meteorologist said "We're now forecasting that it will be one of the coldest winters on record!" "Really!?" said the chief. "How can you be so sure?" The meteorologist replied "[[MagicalNativeAmerican The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!]]"

* While discussing colors with her first-grade class, a teacher points out to them that it's common to associate colors with flavors thanks to artificially dyed candy, such as instantly think "cherry" for red, or "lime" for green. To illustrate this, she hands out colorless, honey-flavored hard candy to the class and invites them to guess what they're supposed to taste like. When none of the kids are able to identify the flavor, the teacher says, "I'll give you a hint: It's something your mommy may call your daddy sometimes." At this, little girl in the back of the class yells "Oh my God!", then stands up, spits her candy clear across the room, and screams, "Spit 'em out, you guys! They're ''assholes!''"

* As you all know, children tend to associate colors with flavors, thanks to artificially flavored candy. A first grade teacher brought a bag of colorless honey-flavored candies to school, and no child could figure out what the flavor was. Teachers says, "I'll give you a hint, it's something your mommy may call your daddy sometimes." A little girl looks shocked and screams, "My God, they're assholes!"