History Funny / TheMagicOfTorchwood

* In chapter 56, Jack and Ianto are playing around with the [[spoiler: Room of Requirement]] and Jack wishes for [[spoiler: Umbridge's]] clothes, letting her keep her underwear. Cut to:

* [[spoiler: John Hart]] using his extensive magical abilities to cause varying degrees of mayhem around Death Eater controlled Hogwarts - among other things, setting Snape on fire (Snape isn't actually harmed... it just looks spectacular), magically cloning Mrs Norris several dozen times over and convincing all of them that every statue is a student that needs to be territorially marked, stealing all the underwear from the 6th and 7th year dorms, stringing the Carrows up from in the Great Hall after turning them bright pink, and perhaps best of all, making multiple pureblood prefects singing perfectly in harmonised 18th century French 'about how their underwear was missing and their parents were siblings.' It then shifts to Latin, and the subject matter continues to describe incest and 'something about House Elves that made [[spoiler: Salazar]] eternally grateful that Latin was a dead language' - WordOfGod also later reveals that it [[BestialityIsDepraved included]] [[{{Literature/Discworld}} The Hedgehog Song]]. It's less malevolent than [[spoiler: Salazar]] expected, and is mostly the product of pure boredom on [[spoiler: Hart's]] part.
** [[spoiler: John Hart]] and a long-suffering [[spoiler: Salazar Slytherin]] wind up as a StraightManAndWiseGuy combo, to the horror of more or less everyone who realises it.

** First, Dumbledore [[{{Troll}} trolling]] Jack from beyond the grave in his bequest - Jack doesn't have a middle name, so Dumbledore invents one: "To Jack Dorian Harkness..." As in, ''Literature/ThePictureOfDorianGrey.'' Jack is not amused.

** First, Dumbledore [[{{Troll}} trolling]] Jack from beyond the grave in his bequest - Jack doesn't have a middle name, so Dumbledore invents one: "To Jack Dorian Harkness..." As in, ''Literature/ThePortraitOfDorianGrey.'' Jack is not amused.

* [[spoiler: John Hart]] using his extensive magical abilities to cause varying degrees of mayhem around Death Eater controlled Hogwarts - among other things, setting Snape on fire (Snape isn't actually harmed... it just looks spectacular), magically cloning Mrs Norris several dozen times over and convincing all of them that every statue is a student that needs to be territorially marked, stealing all the underwear from the 6th and 7th year dorms, stringing the Carrows up from in the Great Hall after turning them bright pink, and perhaps best of all, making multiple pureblood prefects singing perfectly in harmonised 18th century French 'about how their underwear was missing and their parents were siblings.' It then shifts to Latin, and the subject matter continues to describe incest and 'something about House Elves that made [[spoiler: Salazar]] eternally grateful that Latin was a dead language'. It's less malevolent than [[spoiler: Salazar]] expected, and is mostly the product of pure boredom on [[spoiler: Hart's]] part.

** First, Dumbledore [[{{Troll}} trolling]] Jack from beyond the grave in his bequest - Jack doesn't have a middle name, so Dumbledore invents one: "To Jack Dorian Harkness..." As in, ''Literature/ThePortraitOfDorianGray.'' Jack is not amused.

*** His suggestion to train a house elf to talk like Sméagol.

-->'''Ianto''': Since I inherited the Slytherin Mafia from Draco and Jack.

-->'''Harry's POV''': He only noticed Tosh turn and whisper something to Owen, because Owen was a dangerous creature you don't take your eyes off if you know what's good for you.

* This exchange in chapter 80 :
-->'''Jack''': Yes, but they're my muggles. They're not allowed to die for another four years.
-->'''Draco''':...you have a timetable ?
* Torchwood logic VS everybody.
-->'''Ron''': why does Owen call you "Tea-Boy" anyway ?
-->'''Ianto''': Because I make coffee.

* The Will scene:

--> "Jack stood in the kitchen, looking a bit too toughtful for someone holding a spatula."

-->'''Ianto''': Because I make coffee.

* Harry as a woman, trying not to stare at his own breasts.

*** His suggestion to train a house elf to talk like Smeagol.

-->'''Harry's POV''': He only noticed Tosh turn and whisper something to Owen, because Owen was a dangerous creature you don't take your eyes off if you know what's good for you.

*** His suggestion to train a house elf to talk like Smeagol.

* Jack (on seeing Ron play with the deluminator.
--> I want a lightsaber.

-->'''Ron''': No. No no no no no!

* The first half of Chapter 94. Particularly the Polyjuice section and Jack's smirking.

* Owen's methods of psychological torture.

-->'''Snape''': You've been spending far too much time with that Harkness boy.

-->'''Jack''': Come on, then. Let's dance!

-->'''Zabini''': That understanding being that she's crazy and in three months' time you'll technically be a paedophile?

* Ianto snarking:

-->'''Owen''': And on the Slytherin side, we've got Ogden, Stroulger, Urquhart, Travers, Crabbe, Goyle and Harper. So... that's five and a half mountain trolls, and a name-thief.

-->Dinner in the Great Hall had suddenly become a great deal more interesting.

-->'''Ianto''': You just described their entire Quidditch team.

* Jack and Gwen manipulating Skeeter into being fired by talking about a lot of false gossip such as Harry and Snape getting together and other hilarious things.

* Jack complaining to Draco and Harry that they're acting like a pair of jealous girlfriends about him. Also his various insinuations of UST between the two.

* Ianto constantly snarking, and when he finally learns the Silencio spell, much to Owen's discomfort.