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* Later, Uhtred and Alfred discuss the untimely death of Eadred.
-->'''Alfred''': You killed the abbot Eadred.
-->'''Uhtred''': He was a weasel, lord.
-->'''Alfred''': He was a weasel without a sword. A holy weasel.
-->'''Alfred''': You killed the abbot Eadred.
-->'''Uhtred''': He was a weasel, lord.
-->'''Alfred''': He was a weasel without a sword. A holy weasel.
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-->'''Alfred''': You stand as everything that is precious. You are Wessex, England, always to be cherished, never to be violated. Only to be loved. Vigorously.
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* When Sable tells Uhtred when the two monks sent by Aethelred will arrive at Bebbanburg to get the heart of St.Osberth from Aelfric, Sable tells him Christian holidays as the date, of which Uhtred doesn't know any.
-->'''Sable:''' They shall arrive at the Day of Ascension.
-->'''Uhtred''' ''(having no idea what that is)'':...
-->'''Sable:''' Ten days before Pentecost.
-->'''Uhtred''' ''(still having no idea)'':...
-->'''Sable''' ''(irritated)'': Two weeks from now, lord.
-->'''Sable:''' They shall arrive at the Day of Ascension.
-->'''Uhtred''' ''(having no idea what that is)'':...
-->'''Sable:''' Ten days before Pentecost.
-->'''Uhtred''' ''(still having no idea)'':...
-->'''Sable''' ''(irritated)'': Two weeks from now, lord.
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!!Season One
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!!Season Two
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[[folder: Season Two]]
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!!Season Three
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[[folder: Season Three]]
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!!Season Four
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[[folder: Season Four]]
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!!Season 5
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[[folder: Season Five]]
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[[/folder]]
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-->'''Brida''': [[spoiler: We can't go back. [[NothingIsTheSameAnymore Everything good we ever had is destroyed. There's nothing left, Uhtred]]. [[CallBack You're talking out of your arse]].
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-->'''Brida''': [[spoiler: We can't go back. [[NothingIsTheSameAnymore Everything good we ever had is destroyed. There's nothing left, Uhtred]]. [[CallBack You're talking out of your arse]].]]
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* Although it happens in a dark moment, and quickly goes into Tearjerker territory, [[spoiler: Uhtred and Brida, during their final confrontation, have a moment that is both Funny and Heartwarming as they realise how much they still care about each other]].
-->'''Brida''': [[spoiler: We can't go back. [[NothingIsTheSameAnymore Everything good we ever had is destroyed. There's nothing left, Uhtred]]. [[CallBack You're talking out of your arse]].
-->'''Uhtred''': ''[smiles wistfully]'' [[spoiler: Now you sound like the girl who I chased through these woods and humped amongst these trees]]. ''([[spoiler: [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Brida chuckles at this]].]])''
-->'''Brida''': [[spoiler: We can't go back. [[NothingIsTheSameAnymore Everything good we ever had is destroyed. There's nothing left, Uhtred]]. [[CallBack You're talking out of your arse]].
-->'''Uhtred''': ''[smiles wistfully]'' [[spoiler: Now you sound like the girl who I chased through these woods and humped amongst these trees]]. ''([[spoiler: [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Brida chuckles at this]].]])''
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* From Season 2: When Uhtred, Ragnar, Steapa and Hild storm in on Eadred trying to force Gisela into an ArrangedMarriage by proxy with Aelfric. When Eadred gleefully remarks that in the eyes of God, Gisela and Aelfric are now man and wife and there is nothing Uhtred can do about it, Ragnar cheerfully snarks from by the door "Make her a widow". Cue a MassOhCrap from Eadred and all his lackies present, particularly the underling of Aelfric's who stood in for him at the wedding.
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* From Season 2: Having been told by her parents they're arranging a marriage for her to [[AltarDiplomacy strengthen ties with the neighbouring kingdom of Mercia]], Aethelflaed is deeply disconcerted when the elderly Lord Ceowulf, ruler of Mercia arrives at Winchester.
-->'''Aethelflaed''': Mother, please tell me he's not here as a suitor.
* When Uhtred, Ragnar, Steapa and Hild storm in on Eadred trying to force Gisela into an ArrangedMarriage by proxy with Aelfric. When Eadred gleefully remarks that in the eyes of God, Gisela and Aelfric are now man and wife and there is nothing Uhtred can do about it, Ragnar cheerfully snarks from by the door "Make her a widow". Cue a MassOhCrap from Eadred and all his lackies present, particularly the underling of Aelfric's who stood in for him at the wedding.
-->'''Aethelflaed''': Mother, please tell me he's not here as a suitor.
* When Uhtred, Ragnar, Steapa and Hild storm in on Eadred trying to force Gisela into an ArrangedMarriage by proxy with Aelfric. When Eadred gleefully remarks that in the eyes of God, Gisela and Aelfric are now man and wife and there is nothing Uhtred can do about it, Ragnar cheerfully snarks from by the door "Make her a widow". Cue a MassOhCrap from Eadred and all his lackies present, particularly the underling of Aelfric's who stood in for him at the wedding.
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* Uhtred's [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe reaction]] to finding the "priest" he, Leofric and Iseult just saved from Danish raiders is in fact a [[KingIncognito disguised Alfred]].
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* While residing in Eoforwic, Edward and his new wife Eadgifu are woken in the dead of night by a messenger. Edward hastily gets up and gets dressed.
-->'''Eadgifu''': My king, whatever's the matter?
-->'''Edward''': Prepare for a new attack.
-->'''Eadgifu''': The Danes? Or Aethelhelm?
-->'''Edward''': Neither. Shorter and more vicious. ''[cue an AnswerCut to [[MyBelovedSmother Aelswith]] standing in the hallway]''
-->'''Eadgifu''': My king, whatever's the matter?
-->'''Edward''': Prepare for a new attack.
-->'''Eadgifu''': The Danes? Or Aethelhelm?
-->'''Edward''': Neither. Shorter and more vicious. ''[cue an AnswerCut to [[MyBelovedSmother Aelswith]] standing in the hallway]''
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Changed line(s) 151,152 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Hild''': Well, we still have the advantage. They do not know you are here.
-->'''Wihtgar''': Uhtred! Uhtred!
-->'''Wihtgar''': Uhtred! Uhtred!
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-->'''Wihtgar''': [[InstantlyProvenWrong Uhtred!
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* Having been sent into Wales to get an army to support Aethelflaed, during the negotiations, Father Pyrlig keeps giving nervous glances to King Hywel's pet wolfhound...
-->'''Hywel''': Do not fear the beast, he's been fed.
-->'''Pyrlig''': Does he like strangers?
-->'''Hywel''': Only when cooked.
-->'''Hywel''': Do not fear the beast, he's been fed.
-->'''Pyrlig''': Does he like strangers?
-->'''Hywel''': Only when cooked.
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* After Uhtred gives up the throne of Mercia to Aethelflaed and has to tell his men they're not getting land or silver as they hoped...
-->'''Uhtred:''' I know you think we lost out on wealth and power, but we have something greater than that-
-->'''Finan:''' ''(face buried in his hands)'' Please do not say our friendship.
-->'''Uhtred:''' I know you think we lost out on wealth and power, but we have something greater than that-
-->'''Finan:''' ''(face buried in his hands)'' Please do not say our friendship.
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* Ahead of the Battle of Tettenhall, Aethelflaed asks her Welsh allies where her Mercian soldiers are.
-->'''Rhodrhi''': I put them under the command of the little bald priest.
-->'''Father Pyrlig''': ''[storming into view]'' I am ''not'' bald! And [[ITakeOffenseToThatLastOne I'm certainly not little!]]
-->'''Rhodrhi''': I put them under the command of the little bald priest.
-->'''Father Pyrlig''': ''[storming into view]'' I am ''not'' bald! And [[ITakeOffenseToThatLastOne I'm certainly not little!]]
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-->'''Beocca''': Say one more word about the Lady Aethelflaed, and I'll shove that food so far down your throat, you'll be shitting it out seconds later!
-->'''Uhtred''': It's true, I've seen him do it. It's a small miracle.
-->'''Uhtred''': It's true, I've seen him do it. It's a small miracle.
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-->'''Beocca''': Say one more word about against the Lady Aethelflaed, King's daughter, and I'll shove that food so far down your throat, you'll be shitting it out seconds later!
-->'''Uhtred''':It's true, I've seen him do it. It's a small miracle.miracle.
** After Haesten leaves, Beocca snarks to Uhtred, "May God forgive me, but I'd like to [[OffWithHisHead remove that man's head]] [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon with a blunt axe]]."
-->'''Uhtred''':
** After Haesten leaves, Beocca snarks to Uhtred, "May God forgive me, but I'd like to [[OffWithHisHead remove that man's head]] [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon with a blunt axe]]."
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-->'''Haesten''': I only want Uhtred! Give him up and the rest of you will go free!
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-->'''Haesten''': I only want Uhtred! Give him up Uhtred and the rest of you will go free!live! All I want is the Dane Slayer!
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* Beocca and Alfred are discussing Uhtred, where Beocca makes a humourous, and accurate point about how Uhtred will never embrace Christianity.
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* Beocca and Alfred are discussing Uhtred, where Beocca makes a humourous, humorous, and accurate point about how Uhtred will never embrace Christianity.
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--> And your mother should have kept her legs together!
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-->'''Beocca''': Did your mother tell you she should have kept her legs
-->'''Skorpa''': ''([[DeathGlare seething]])'' I will look for you first across the battlefield!
-->'''Beocca''': I will be there and I will not be hard to find!
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* After a [[DrowningMySorrows drunken bender]] in the taverns of Winchester out of disappointment at [[IgnoredExpert Alfred's unwillingness to heed his advice]], Odda the Elder is [[WhatDidIDoLastNight somewhat perturbed]] to wake up the next morning and find himself sleeping between Osferth and Clapa.
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-->'''Leofric''': I see it's working.
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-->'''Leofric''': [[SarcasmMode I see it's working.working]].
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-->'''Alfred''': [[OhCrap Oh dear]]. Well, I've never cooked before and I fear I never shall again. ''[Iseult dumps a tray of cakes burnt black on the table]'' [[AskAStupidQuestion Are they ruined]]?
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-->'''Alfred''': [[OhCrap Oh dear]]. Well, I've never cooked before and I fear I never shall again. ''[Iseult dumps a tray of cakes burnt black on the table]'' table and [[DeathGlare scowls at Alfred]] ]'' [[AskAStupidQuestion Are they ruined]]?
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-->'''Hild''': Well, we still have the advantage. They do not know you are here.
-->'''Wihtgar''': Uhtred! Uhtred!
-->'''Hild''': Is that you or some other Uhtred?
-->'''Wihtgar''': Uhtred! Uhtred!
-->'''Hild''': Is that you or some other Uhtred?
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* This exchange between a youthful Brida and Uhtred.
-->'''Brida''': You're talking out of your arse.
-->'''Uhtred''': I'm sitting on my arse.
-->'''Brida''': So your arse is cleverer than you, it can do two things at once!
-->'''Brida''': You're talking out of your arse.
-->'''Uhtred''': I'm sitting on my arse.
-->'''Brida''': So your arse is cleverer than you, it can do two things at once!
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* This retort from Beocca to Lord Sigebriht (at Aethelwold's behest) spreading [[MaliciousSlander rumours Uhtred is in league with the Danes and plans to assassinate Alfred]]...
-->'''Beocca''': You should not be talking out of your arse, so from now on, Lord, buttocks clenched!
-->'''Beocca''': You should not be talking out of your arse, so from now on, Lord, buttocks clenched!
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** This exchange before the Battle of Ethandun:
-->'''Aethelwold''': Uhtred, I do like you but I am growing tired of [[HolierThanThou your preaching]]. You ever thought of becoming a priest?
-->'''Uhtred''': [[BlatantLies Ever since I was a boy]].
-->'''Beocca''': [[ServileSnarker That's a lie. I've baptised him twice, he's still not a Christian]].
* Aethelwold's [[ThisIsGonnaSuck reaction]] at Ethandun when Uhtred snarks he's [[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor first in the battle line like he asked for]].
-->'''Aethelwold''': Uhtred, I do like you but I am growing tired of [[HolierThanThou your preaching]]. You ever thought of becoming a priest?
-->'''Uhtred''': [[BlatantLies Ever since I was a boy]].
-->'''Beocca''': [[ServileSnarker That's a lie. I've baptised him twice, he's still not a Christian]].
* Aethelwold's [[ThisIsGonnaSuck reaction]] at Ethandun when Uhtred snarks he's [[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor first in the battle line like he asked for]].
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** Shortly after, the mortally wounded man starts gasping from the ground and Aethelred [[WhyWontYouDie complains to the guy about why he isn't dead yet]].
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* Aethelred's [[ComicalOverreacting theatrical gasp of horror]]when Aethelflaed snipes that he doesn't seem too concerned Haesten tried to kill her.
-->'''Aethelred''': Is ''that'' to your liking?
-->'''Aethelred''': Is ''that'' to your liking?
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* Beocca and Alfred are discussing Uhtred, where Beocca makes a humourous, and accurate point about how Uhtred will never embrace Christianity.
-->'''Beocca''': Lord, I could baptise Uhtred a hundred times and he would find not God, only fish.
-->'''Beocca''': Lord, I could baptise Uhtred a hundred times and he would find not God, only fish.
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* Uhtred's [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe reaction]] when Aelswith declares she's decided to stay at Bebbanburg for her health, and insists she have a room with a sea view.
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-->'''[[FunnyBackgroundEven Man in crowd]]''': Lucky bugger!
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* Cynlaef's [[OhCrap reaction]] to [[MamaBear Aethelflaed catching him kissing her daughter]]. [[ThisIsGonnaSuck It gets worse]] when she threatens to send him on a [[UriahGambit attack against Danish raiders]].
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** Also before that, following Aelfwynn's kidnapping, Aelswith refuses to hire mercenaries to rescue her granddaughter, but Eadith protests her reluctance, arguing what men are going to risk their lives simply for the honour of [[SaveThePrincess rescuing a princess]]...whereupon [[ChronicHeroSyndrome Uhtred, Finan and Sihtric]] walk into view.
-->'''Aelswith''': And the good Lord provides.
* While infiltrating Bebbanburg, Hild notes that [[HeroicSacrifice although they've lost Haesten]], [[TemptingFate their enemies don't know they're inside the fortress]]...at which point Wihtgar, somewhat enraged by Uhtred trying to kill him moments before, angrily [[SayMyName starts screaming for Uhtred]] to come out and face him.
-->'''Aelswith''': And the good Lord provides.
* While infiltrating Bebbanburg, Hild notes that [[HeroicSacrifice although they've lost Haesten]], [[TemptingFate their enemies don't know they're inside the fortress]]...at which point Wihtgar, somewhat enraged by Uhtred trying to kill him moments before, angrily [[SayMyName starts screaming for Uhtred]] to come out and face him.
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-->'''Aethelwold''': [[IncomingHam Oh, Lord, I am a sinner]]! I am a sinner, Lord, as big a sinner as you will ever see! I have known women, Lord, lots and lots of women!
-->'''[[FunnyBackgroundEven Man in crowd]]''': Lucky bugger!
-->'''Aethelwold''': Women of all sizes. The big tits, the small tits. I have squeezed and kissed them all. I have rested my head on the bosoms of beautiful, but bad, bad women, Lord. Forgive me! I have lost count of the number of women I have had, but I know it is exactly half the number of tits I have caressed. Oh, God, I love tits! Send me an angel, Lord!
-->'''Man in crowd''': What, so you can hump her?! ''[the crowd laughes]''
-->'''Aethelwold''': [[VerbalBackspace A... A titless angel to guide me!]]
** Beforehand, when Wulfhere explains to Uhtred why Uhtred is doing penance with Aethelwold:
-->'''Wulfhere''': What Alfred's wife would like is for me to [[GuttedLikeAFish pull your guts out through your smelly arse]]!
-->'''Aethelwold''': [[DeadpanSnarker Aelswith is forever inventive]].
-->'''[[FunnyBackgroundEven Man in crowd]]''': Lucky bugger!
-->'''Aethelwold''': Women of all sizes. The big tits, the small tits. I have squeezed and kissed them all. I have rested my head on the bosoms of beautiful, but bad, bad women, Lord. Forgive me! I have lost count of the number of women I have had, but I know it is exactly half the number of tits I have caressed. Oh, God, I love tits! Send me an angel, Lord!
-->'''Man in crowd''': What, so you can hump her?! ''[the crowd laughes]''
-->'''Aethelwold''': [[VerbalBackspace A... A titless angel to guide me!]]
** Beforehand, when Wulfhere explains to Uhtred why Uhtred is doing penance with Aethelwold:
-->'''Wulfhere''': What Alfred's wife would like is for me to [[GuttedLikeAFish pull your guts out through your smelly arse]]!
-->'''Aethelwold''': [[DeadpanSnarker Aelswith is forever inventive]].
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* During their escape from Bebbanburg, after killing one of Wihtgar's guards, Hild and Aelfwynn are confronted by more of Wihtgar's men charging towards them. Hild pushes Aelfwynn behind her and raises her sword to fight as the guards...completely ignore both women, running around them in their haste to [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere escape Bebbanburg before Edward's army raze it to the ground. Once the guards are gone, Hild and Aelfwynn are left standing in the corridor with "WTF?" expressions.
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* During their escape from Bebbanburg, after killing one of Wihtgar's guards, Hild and Aelfwynn are confronted by more of Wihtgar's men charging towards them. Hild pushes Aelfwynn behind her and raises her sword to fight as the guards...completely ignore both women, running around them in their haste to [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere escape Bebbanburg before Edward's army raze it to the ground.ground]]. Once the guards are gone, Hild and Aelfwynn are left standing in the corridor with "WTF?" expressions.
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* There is something funny about Uhtred barely paying any attention to Aldhelm and Benedict discussing Aethelhelm plotting with several of Edward's enemies to start a war against England...until Benedict mentions said enemies are all gathered at [[TheCallKnowsWhereYouLive Bebbanburg]], whereupon Uhtred's eyes light up and he becomes a ''lot'' more interested in the conversation.
* During their escape from Bebbanburg, after killing one of Wihtgar's guards, Hild and Aelfwynn are confronted by more of Wihtgar's men charging towards them. Hild pushes Aelfwynn behind her and raises her sword to fight as the guards...completely ignore both women, running around them in their haste to [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere escape Bebbanburg before Edward's army raze it to the ground. Once the guards are gone, Hild and Aelfwynn are left standing in the corridor with "WTF?" expressions.
* During their escape from Bebbanburg, after killing one of Wihtgar's guards, Hild and Aelfwynn are confronted by more of Wihtgar's men charging towards them. Hild pushes Aelfwynn behind her and raises her sword to fight as the guards...completely ignore both women, running around them in their haste to [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere escape Bebbanburg before Edward's army raze it to the ground. Once the guards are gone, Hild and Aelfwynn are left standing in the corridor with "WTF?" expressions.
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* This exchange when Odda the Elder informs Aethelwold he's being LockedAwayInAMonastery to prevent a SuccessionCrisis after his father's death and Alfred's ascension to the throne of Wessex.
-->'''Odda the Elder''': Out of respect for your father, Alfred wants not one hair on your ugly head harmed, but Wessex cannot afford division, certainly not from an idiot child like you!
-->'''Aethelwold''': ''[petulantly]'' [[ITakeOffenseToThatLastOne My head is not ugly]]!
** Immediately afterwards, when Odda tells Leofric to take Aethelwold away:
-->'''Leofric''': Shall I make him docile, lord?
-->'''Odda''': [[DeadpanSnarker I wish you would]]. ''[Leofric knocks Aethelwold out]''
-->'''Odda the Elder''': Out of respect for your father, Alfred wants not one hair on your ugly head harmed, but Wessex cannot afford division, certainly not from an idiot child like you!
-->'''Aethelwold''': ''[petulantly]'' [[ITakeOffenseToThatLastOne My head is not ugly]]!
** Immediately afterwards, when Odda tells Leofric to take Aethelwold away:
-->'''Leofric''': Shall I make him docile, lord?
-->'''Odda''': [[DeadpanSnarker I wish you would]]. ''[Leofric knocks Aethelwold out]''
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* Some of Father Pyrlig's snark as a DefiantCaptive of Siegfried and Erik is hilarious, particularly after Pyrlig explains to the brothers the mechanics of crucifixion ([[NightmareFetishist Sigefried keeps nailing up priests to try and understand how it kills]]):
-->'''Erik''': There, you have your answer. Now take his head off.
-->'''Pyrlig''': Agreed, lord. And may I ask you use your sharpest axe and your strongest man?
-->'''Siegfried''': [[YouTalkTooMuch You talk too much, priest]].
-->'''Pyrlig''': I do. You should kill me quickly.
-->'''Erik''': There, you have your answer. Now take his head off.
-->'''Pyrlig''': Agreed, lord. And may I ask you use your sharpest axe and your strongest man?
-->'''Siegfried''': [[YouTalkTooMuch You talk too much, priest]].
-->'''Pyrlig''': I do. You should kill me quickly.
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* During the negotiations for Aethelflaed's ransom, Uhtred gets to make a fine snarky comment when Siegfried [[RefugeInAudacity demands an outrageous price for the Wessex princess's safe return]].
-->'''Uhtred''': What price do you want?
-->'''Siegfried''': Ten thousand pounds' weight of silver, one thousand pounds' weight of gold, to be delivered by Alfred himself.
-->'''Uhtred''': [[SarcasmMode Of course]]. [[CueTheFlyingPigs And he shall arrive with a stoat upon his head and an apple in his mouth]].
-->'''Uhtred''': What price do you want?
-->'''Siegfried''': Ten thousand pounds' weight of silver, one thousand pounds' weight of gold, to be delivered by Alfred himself.
-->'''Uhtred''': [[SarcasmMode Of course]]. [[CueTheFlyingPigs And he shall arrive with a stoat upon his head and an apple in his mouth]].
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Changed line(s) 33 (click to see context) from:
-->'''Iseult''': ''[irritated]'' [[YouHadOneJob You had one job, lord!]] ''[reaches into a smoking oven]''
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-->'''Iseult''': ''[irritated]'' [[YouHadOneJob You had one job, lord!]] lord! ''[reaches into a smoking oven]''
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Changed line(s) 32 (click to see context) from:
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* The way the show incorporates the legend of Alfred burning the cakes into it is quite funny:
-->'''Iseult''': ''[irritated]'' [[YouHadOneJob You had one job, lord!]] ''[reaches into a smoking oven]''
-->'''Alfred''': [[OhCrap Oh dear]]. Well, I've never cooked before and I fear I never shall again. ''[Iseult dumps a tray of cakes burnt black on the table]'' [[AskAStupidQuestion Are they ruined]]?
-->'''Leofric''': [[ServileSnarker They're done well, lord]]. [[LethalChef A challenge for the teeth and stomach]].
-->'''Iseult''': ''[irritated]'' [[YouHadOneJob You had one job, lord!]] ''[reaches into a smoking oven]''
-->'''Alfred''': [[OhCrap Oh dear]]. Well, I've never cooked before and I fear I never shall again. ''[Iseult dumps a tray of cakes burnt black on the table]'' [[AskAStupidQuestion Are they ruined]]?
-->'''Leofric''': [[ServileSnarker They're done well, lord]]. [[LethalChef A challenge for the teeth and stomach]].
